Friday, October 24, 2014


Dear Journal -

The song habits, made me cry the other morning on my way to work and then again a few days later while I was getting ready for work.  The first time it made me cry, was because as I was driving to work and listening to the song, I kept looking at all the beauty that surrounds me during my drive.  Mountains as far as the eye can see.  Beautiful fall colors, amazing animals like brown horses with white patches waging their tails as they enjoy their morning grass.  The fresh air hitting my face and smells of all sorts of nature. I AM SO HAPPY IN COLORADO! I can't even begin to express it.  And I thought of my friend who I met three years ago and told me I should move here and I felt deeply sad that well, It was just an emotional moment.

But the song doesn't really remind me of this me, it more so reminds me of a Jazzy that I once knew.  I young lost confused soul, trying to find happiness in love, trying to find happiness by having someone to give her a reason to live and breath.  So the second time I cried I thought of that Jazzy and of him, my once love Dev and I thought of how he stayed high for years to keep his dad off his mind, the man whom he loved more than life itself, the man he lost when he was only 18 years old.  And like magic we found each other and made a beautiful son who became his new reason, yet not even that could keep that hurt out of his heart and so he had to stay high, high until just recently when he decided that life had more for him and he entered rehab and will come out of their a clean, sober and not afraid man.  Finally he will face reality without anything to take away the pain, he will be ok with everything because he has hurt for so long that, he deserves the happiness that will be coming to him.  I am so proud of the choice he made, the choice of life.

I can go on and on about this but I am really tired and I also don't want to write anything else about him because it's not my place too.  However, I love him immensely and know that he will do this, he will be clean after 20 years.  God I cried so hard with this song!

I don't know how to heal from a broken heart, because I haven't had a true broken heart in many many years.  The last broken heart I had was well.... I don't want to ever write that persons name on my blog ever again, but if you have read my journal you know the name all to well.  That was a really hard broken heart to mend, but here I am alive and well and writing about it.  I guess the only advice I can give at my old age (I'm 43) is, that if you have a broken heart, drugs won't mend it.  Drugs might take away the pain for one, two, three maybe even 20 years, but the only way to truly heal is by facing the hurt, by accepting it and by living day by day like it's your last and hoping that someday somehow, it will be better.  Remember, this too shall pass......

I leave you with......

by: Tove Lo

p.s. this song reminds me of a song that used to make me cry when I broke up with my son's dad....Dev. 

Bad Girl
By: Madonna

Saturday, October 11, 2014

To Sir With Love

Dear Journal:

I woke up this morning thinking about Psychology and how much I love and miss studying it.  It has been 10 months now since I got my Bachelor's degree and it feels great! I finally feel like I am part of something great.  I feel like I did something that makes me feel happy.  I learned so many wonderful things.  

I was going through some old new emails this morning reading articles on Psychology, and I stumbled upon a poem that I wrote last year when I was about to take one of my last finals in order to complete my four year tenure at Brooklyn College.  I am now living in Colorado and I love it here so much, but I do miss my days at the college, they were definitely unforgettable.

I remember that while I was studying for this one final, I kept thinking that through out those four years I had taken the advice of my favorite professor, and followed his advice on how to study for tests. While I was thinking of him, I came up with the poem below. Thinking of him inspired me! I took him for my introduction to Psychology class and after taking his class, I loved Psychology even more! This poem is dedicated to the best professor ever!

To: Professor Matthew Erdelyi with love.
Poem: Test Time

Test time, crunch time, stress time, book time.

I learned nothing but it's all inside.  Short term memory I no longer have, long term memory a little at a time.

I'll remember something, I'll know a few things, I'll think of professor, my great professor Erdelyi....
He said I could do it regardless of age, he told me get to it don't ever regress.  He believed in me when I no longer could, he took time to sit with me and told me I would....

Remember he said, just read it and learn.  Remember he said the page it is on.  Memorize the colors and the site where you saw it, build a mental picture and I'm sure you will know it.

I know you can do it, I know that you can! Remember how magically you will feel in the end! 

I thank you my Erdelyi for teaching me all! I'll do it, I'll do it! I know that I can! I'll remember pictures and words and the meanings, I'll remember moments and jargon and dreaming!

I know that I will, I will make you real proud! 

Thank you Professor Erdelyi for believing in me! I thank you forever, for standing by me!

Saturday, October 4, 2014


Dear Journal -

This song, I love it! it makes me think of something yet I'm not sure who or what.  I feel lost in my heart, and numb and uncaring.  When it comes to romance, my heart is empty and my soul lives because it's eternal.  I had a moment, the moment passed and now it's just the present, and every day I think not of anyone, no one is worth the time to think of them, life is good and all in all I am truly happy.

Maps - Maroon 5

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Black Widow Baby!

I'm gonna love ya Until you hate me (Right) And I'm gonna show ya (show 'em what show 'em what) what's really crazy.

You should've known better than to mess with me, honey (it's all over with now)
I'm gonna love ya, I'm gonna love ya Gonna love ya, gonna love ya like a black widow baby

Black, black widow baby........

Friday, September 12, 2014

Hit the road jack.......

Dear Journal -

Dare I tell all that goes on in my mind without wondering if prying eyes will ever see what my mind has to share with thee? or should I let myself just spill out all that goes on in the deepest of my mind? his name is Mc M! and I have the pleasure of seeing him every single day and I bet he feels that way also! you know, he feels like he has the pleasure of seeing me also! but that is all that ever happens, we simply see one another.......

It all started four months ago when I started working at my new job, he would always walk past my desk and not even look in my direction, the very first time I noticed him I didn't really think much of him, I just thought he was a bit conceded, which he kind of has reason to be, young around 28 years old, handsome, and making bank! yup, I guess if I was young handsome and making a shit load of money I would probably act that way also, well, maybe not because that isn't my nature.  Regardless, I thought he was cute but never really gave it a second thought.  One day though, there was a training going on in the facility where I work (I am currently working for an oil and gas company) totally different industry than I am used to.  Anyway, there was a training going on and I decided that week that I was going to start wearing some eye make up and doing my hair differently.  The training class began and I kept feeling like someone was staring at me, you know that feeling? and sure enough, when I turned to look, it was him! Mr. Mc M! We looked into each others eyes and I believe that is the moment when the lust, mental love affair began! after that day for some reason we just started talking, I can't even remember why, but we did and the next thing I knew, we were texting each other and trying to find ways to talk to each other in the hallways of the company whenever we could.  I went to NYC to visit and the whole time I was there he and I were texting each other, but then something went wrong, somewhere somehow something disconnected and the next thing I knew, we were no longer communicating via text messages.  He was promoted to a new position and I feel as if he was sucked into it so much, he just got absorbed by the whole thing.

It has been six months now, and I will tell you that there were times in the past where he displayed such  acts of jealousy when he saw me talking to the other men in the office, that it almost made me nervous that someone would notice his behavior, but nothing ever happened, it was as if something cut things off for us and it just sucked away all our interest in each other.  I see him everyday though and I do love him so very much (as my friend) but there is nothing in me that makes me desire him like I once did, yet sometimes our eyes meet when we talk and it feels like we missed out on something.  Life at the office has become complicated, and we both are sort of focused on our careers, we now talk to each other on a different level, and things changed, but it was a fun small emotional ride there for a little while.  I do tend to loose interest really fast in the opposite sex lately, I almost feel empty numb, sort of like the tin man, no heart no more, no desire to love.

By the way journal, the other day I found out the once love of mine, the one who inspired me to write again and inspired this journal, is getting married! yup! I am not feeling any sort of way about it, but it bothers me that I can't wish him the best, for the first time in my life I am so hateful that I am seriously disappointed in myself.  I can't honestly say that I am happy for him and wish him the best, so I won't say anything at all.  Deep in my heart I keep thinking that he is living a lie, maybe I like to make up fairy tale stories in my mind to feel better about the fact that he is marrying another woman.  I don't care, I don't care and I don't care.  I have no expression or no sadness about it or no pain, no just a few tears rolling down my cheek as I write this post.  I remember always telling him when I wrote him those 500 letters that he never responded to, that I wished with all my heart that the day he decided to get married, I would no longer love him, because I don't think I would be able to handle it.  Lucky for me my heart is no longer his, and so it wasn't as devastating.....

Journal, I often wonder how Wilferm is doing.... He was my neighbor in Brooklyn.  I miss Brooklyn! not enough to move back, but I do miss it fondly!  Anyway journal, all in all life is good! and I have learned something so amazing in these last few years, and what I learned was that if someone isn't giving you the type of love whether it be friendship love or romantic love the way you give to them, if you are constantly the giver and not receiving anything back........ then that person needs to hit the road! who the fuck needs people who are blood suckers! I believe in give and take! and that's how I am rolling these days!

So yeah........ No love from Mc M! but it's nice to have someone to look at everyday..... if I only had a heart!

Saturday, August 9, 2014

No Poem for you!

Dear Journal -

Some years ago I created you because I always felt like I had a lot to say and I kept saying it to someone who didn't care to listen, his name..... blah blah blah, it isn't even worth mentioning the name anymore since he has long been gone from my life and only barely ever makes it into my thought process anymore.  This sure does make me happy, for I don't love him anymore not that he ever deserved this love of mine.  But from that experience as with most experiences in life, I learned a very valuable lesson, and that lesson was that if someone doesn't want to hear you, to pay attention to what you have to say, if they do not appreciate all that you are, then you should not say anymore, you should write the words down and hope that someone else is reading, that someone else wants to pay attention, that someone else is caring.  And so that is why I am back here talking to you again my lovely journal! because you are ever so faithful to me with your caring, with your listening, with your silence and yet I know that these words will be looked at by someone, somewhere and somehow they will understand me and understand that it is ok to not be loved by or cared about or thought of or missed by or anything by anyone as long as you have good people in your life you can always talk to or even an amazing journal where you can share your life and that is you!

Thank you for reading, I have been missing you so much and yes the thoughts are always there and the will is broken by my tiredness.  All I do is work lately and I am not complaining but I am really tired.  I do miss writing, so the other night I picked up my phone and wrote a simple poem to someone, someone who inspires me even though I have no reason anymore to be inspired by him.  Yet there they were, these simple words that I wanted to share with him and yet I couldn't, because it wouldn't mean to him, what the words meant to me.  In that moment after the very short but what I thought was a sweet poem was finished, I deleted immediately and thought of you and how much better it would be if I would just put those short words here, because at least here, whoever came to see what I had to say, would at the very minimum appreciate it and if they chose not to keep on reading then at least those words would be on the world wide web forever and they would mean something to the void.  So what were those words? I will put them at the end of this post.  But first let me tell you a few things that have been going on in my life.

A few weeks ago right after I wrote my last post, I got a text message from the last person I expected to receive a message from, I looked at my phone and had to do a double take because I had a message from AJ, I cried when I read what he had to say and I got myself together before I could respond, because at first I wasn't even sure if responding was a good idea.  But after about 20 minutes of feeling overwhelmed with joy and confusion, I wrote him back and just like that, he was back in my life and after we spoke and he invited me over his house, I ran there as if the most important thing in the world had happened and I had to run to his bed.  Yes, that is exactly where I ended up and I have to tell you journal, that on that day I made love for the very first time in about 7 years, what happened on that bed was not just sex, it was something deeper, it was greater it was paradise.   I left his house feeling shaken, I felt confused and scared and I was trembling the whole way home.  The worst part, is that I wasn't feeling that way because I had an orgasm or anything of the sort, I did not, what I felt was deeper, it had nothing to do with our bodies becoming one, it had nothing to do with the physical act that had just occurred, it was something else and I don't know how to explain it.  That night I barely slept, I kept twisting and turning and thinking of how deeply connected this human being and I were, how deeply spiritual what we have is and yet we both fight it, because he denies us what we can share.

The next day I got a message from him asking how I was doing and I felt like he was at the starting line and like the gun fired but he refused to run with it, instead he stood at the starting line and stared and held back, because he is still not sure what to do with me, how to deal with me, where to place me in his life.  And yes, ever since that day there has been small talk here and there, but it is the type of talk that you have because you want to make sure everything is cool, you want to make sure that it is ok, but you don't want to say too much because then everything will get messed up, so you just hold your tongue and wait.  I don't know what to do anymore, so I just gave up and just live.  What else can I possibly do? everything I have ever had to say I have said it, everything I have needed from him I have asked for it and I don't know what else is left to do.  So last night when I picked up my phone and wrote this short little tiny poem, I deleted right after, because I felt that he did not deserve my love.

So, without further a do, below are the sweet words that were meant for him, but instead I share with you........

three, the number of weeks since I last saw your lovely face
three, the number of weeks since I felt your warm embrace
three, the number of weeks since I had you near me
three, the number of weeks since I felt so complete
and if three turns into thirteen or thirty five or three hundred I will not care, for I had you and we became one soul and that moment forever I will hold, because in your arms I became a woman and your touch made me feel like no others.  So here I am waiting to hold you again and three weeks have passed and three weeks are gone but the touch of your hands in my memory forever, the tender kisses the deep breaths, the passion, the magic the paradise the moment, the love.

Sunday, July 20, 2014


Dear Journal -

I know that I have been totally and completely neglecting you, but it isn't really my fault.  My life is so totally busy that I barely have time for myself, there has been one event after another and I'm just exhausted at this point.  I have been meaning to write to you since I visited New York about a month ago.  That was the first time since I moved to Colorado, that I had been back and I have to tell you that I was not exactly happy to be there.  The whole time I was there I was running around doing something that wasn't fun, like taking boxes to my storage unit preparing it so the remainder of my possessions could be brought to me.  Can I just say journal that I absolutely love Colorado and that I have never felt so totally and completely satisfied where I live! I mean how can I not be happy with all the blessings that have come my way since I have been here.  Every single day I think of AJ remember him? and miss him so much it hurts, like literally one day I was missing him so much I felt physical pain, I did honestly, I felt pain in my bones and I cried and cried until I felt better (this was about a month and a half ago) I miss him mostly because if it had not been for him, I wouldn't have known about this amazing city I now call home and not being able to share all this joy with him really saddens me, but I know that it is best that I stay away from him as he brings more sadness than joy to my life, I mean he just doesn't know how to be my friend and truth be told I don't know how to be his friend either, because it is difficult when there are so many feelings involved and even when I try just to be a platonic no strings attached friend, he always thinks that I am trying to get something from him that he doesn't want to give me and then it just gets crazy.  So, as much as I miss him with all of my heart and soul and being, I have to be strong and let him be.

Speaking of letting people be, there is also someone else that I had an encounter with when I was in New York that I quite honestly was not expecting, and it is partly or well it is completely my fault actually, because I went looking for him, and maybe that was a bad idea.  This encounter was with my old neighbor, remember him? well, the last time I saw him was a year ago when I helped him move some of the stuff from his apartment and clean it out when he was moving.  That night we said goodbye and in my mind I thought that I would probably talk to him randomly here and there, since he had moved and I was moving to another state.  I thought that we would be like those people that talk once in a blue moon to catch up.  To my surprise, he stopped completely talking to me, and although I still don't completely understand why, I think now I finally know.  Actually, maybe I still don't, but at this point it no longer matters.

During my time in New York, there was only one person I really wanted to see and talk to, and that person was him.  I know that he Dj's at this lounge in NYC so I decided even before I left to NY that I would go by and see him and say hello and catch up.  WELL! I get there and I'm supposed to meet a friend (who never ends up showing up) so I bet he (the ex neighbor) probably thought I was lying.  But anyway I get to the bar and I have to admit I was a bit nervous, but very excited that I was going to get to see my old friend that had stopped talking to me for who knows why, and I go in and there he is looking as handsome as always! in that moment I knew that I would always and forever be completely attracted to that man, and that he is probably one of the only men since I have been single, that I could have seen my whole future with, he and I although so controversial, we had so much in common, so much.  And yes we probably wouldn't have had a perfect relationship, but if he would of given me half an opportunity, I am certain that he would have not regretted the experience.  Instead our whole friendship was controversial and crazy and to a certain extent mean and cruel!

He greeted me respectfully as he always has been and asked me if I had just got into town, and I told him that I had and that I had to see him because I have missed him and why wasn't he talking to me? and of course he avoided that question but what happened next is what really took me by surprise! he began to apologize to me for everything that he ever did to mislead me or to make me think I don't know what and he said he was sorry over and over again and then he played two of the songs I dedicated to him which felt weird to me that he did that, but it also meant a great deal to me because it meant that they made him think.  After being there maybe like half an hour feeling really awkward and out of place, I decided to just leave.  I told him I was going to go and he apologized again and I told him I was sorry also, for anything that I had ever said to cause him to feel as he said "like a bad person" which just to be clear, I NEVER thought he was a bad person, I honestly don't think I would ever say that about anybody.  One thing is writing things about someone that hurt me or that made me feel bad and I am expressing my discontent with the situation and another thing is calling someone a "bad person" but at that point nothing I would say would change the fact that he made up his mind that I was not someone he wanted to have any sort of communication with.  So we said goodbye and I walked away feeling really really lousy! and when I walked outside, I WAS THAT GIRL! the one that is walking down the streets of New York City crying not caring that there are people looking at her.  I cried for like 5 blocks until I got to my car and then I called my friend and started crying to him telling him what had just happened! I cried in my dads car (he let me borrow it while I was in NY) for what seemed like hours, and when I say I cried, I mean I CRIED! like sobbing! I felt so completely sad! because I thought we were going to see each other and feel really happy and give each other a big hug, maybe have a drink or two, catch up on what's going on in life, I don't know just enjoy the moment, and instead I got apologies and things that I did not want to think or talk about, the past is back there, I'm here now in this moment.

So, this is what I get for trying to be ok with people that probably dislike me because I talk to much, I say or write things that hurt them, I express myself freely not considering other peoples feelings, I am probably the bad person and I am truly sorry!

It is important to note that before I left I said to him that I hope we could talk again sometime, and he said that he did not promise me anything because the damage was done! damage? I wish someone would explain to me what damage he is referring to? since we never had a romantic relationship.  I don't understand and at this point it doesn't really matter.  I will never forget my friend though and I will always remember him fondly!

Wilferm..... All I wanted that night, was to ROCK WITH YOU!

Good night journal!

I leave you with... Rock with you By: Michael Jackson.