Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Why you got to be so mean?

Dear journal -

My weekend started out really good! for starters, well I don't really know where to start so let me start from the beginning and try to do it as quickly as possible! So a little over a month ago, I didn't only meet one guy the one I wrote about in a previous post titled the one that could, around the same time I had met someone else.  This second person I barely saw but we talked a lot, but most of the time all he managed to do was piss me off really really bad! mainly, because he was being a little intense and also not true to his word.  Long story short, for the month we started to get to know each other, we mainly argued, it was sort of frustrating and very annoying!  Anyway, about a week back I had a conversation with my I guess for a lack of better term, friend with benefits who I didn't barely talk to, but was being intimate with, with him though it was all a very physical thing but I was starting to get very confused about everything, then I finally decided that I was just going to be done with everyone and just sort of chill out for a while and do my freedom thing that I'm so good at!

So, I first told my quote on quote "friend" how I was feeling and where I was with what he and I had going on, and I was pretty much told that I didn't have a chance in hell with him, which I had never really thought about it past what we were already doing, bt then after leaving his apartment that night I thought to myself....OUCH! well I'm glad I'm at least good for ONE thing in this world! I think a day later or so, I hear from the second person, the one I was not even thinking about talking to again, the one I only argued with.  He all of a sudden, re appeared after like almost a week, and although I had been thinking about him, I was just so done with people, I was sort of bitchy to him because all he had managed to do up until that point was piss me off!

So, bachelor #2 sends me a message and promises he was going to stop doing what he was doing, give him one last chance, yada yada, so I said OK! one last but I swear!!! so that's how this story sort of starts! so I told him he could sleep over my apt. and the minute he gets to my place my daughter has all these questions.  Who is he? and why is he here? and is he going to sleep with you? and so I tell her he is my friend yes he is sleeping over and that night we hung out, watched some television and then we all went to sleep.  Sleeping with him felt very comfortable, after all the fighting we had done this last past month, being with him felt natural, I literally knocked out cold and it felt so nice to have someone to cuddle with! I kept thinking to myself, now see, I can totally get used to this! Honestly speaking I have only brought two maybe three men around my kids since I have been single and I have been single for 8 years now.  I mean yes I had a boyfriend last year, but before him, It was 7 years that my kids only ever met people as my friends.  Saturday we had breakfast and spent the whole day together! my favorite part was all the kissing we snuck in while my daughter wasn't paying attention! yum! KISSING! my favorite!

Fast forward to that evening, I get dressed up as a zombie bride, I'm having a blast, we are out I start having vodka/soda and the next thing I know, I'm pretty much hammered! so, now I'm hammered and I bump into bachelor #1 my for a lack of better term "ex" FWB stupid term right? but yeah, I bump into him, and I had somehow lost bachelor #2 because he had left to do something somewhere! anyway, at this point, I'm drunk and just having fun! so "ex" FWB is dancing, I start dancing close to him, he turns around and says to me.... "I don't really want to dance with anyone!" which I'm pretty sure he really meant, I don't want to dance with you! BASTARD! I was sooooo pissed off when he did that, like dude..... FUCK YOU! it isn't that serious! but now, the logical Jaz, the one that probably wouldn't have even talked to "ex" FWB if I had been sober, turns into the raging, angry, Brooklyn bitch that won't allow some guy to diss her! so now I see him leave and I'm like, I'm going also! I already knew where he was going, since there is literally like 2 bars everyone sort of goes too! so now I'm at that bar, one of his friends shares with me that he and I used to talk on a dating site called Tagged when I still lived in NYC, so now I'm really drunk and confused thinking, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE??? WHAT THE FUCK! how do these random things happen to me? like what are the chances in hell that someone I used to talk to almost 3 years ago maybe even more, one, remembers me and two, turns out to be friends with my "ex" FWB!!!! that shit blew me away! and that is the last I remember of the night until two days later when the dreaded story comes to me from the lips of my cousin! so here goes the story.... BRACE YOURSELF JOURNAL! THIS SHIT GETS UGLY!

Next day I wake up, I have a ton of messages from bachelor #2 who had gone missing, except he didn't really go missing, he was looking for me but I was so busy trying to restore my ego, that I had forgotten about him.  I have a bruise on my face and a swollen eye, and my cousin isn't speaking to me! FUCK MY LIFE! I was so scared to ask what I had done! but I waited a day and asked my cousin and he told me I was a hot mess but also told me that this really really hot tall guy that I was talking to at some point of the night had said to him that I was really beautiful! and I was dressed as a ZOMBIE! so you know I was flattered to hear that! but then he also starts telling me about all the ridiculous shit I did and I was truly mortified, because I know better than to act that way.  So, I send "ex" FWB a message to apologize and then when he finally responds which I honestly wasn't even expecting a response, I get back an almost mean response like..... yeah, your behavior was inappropriate I didn't like how you acted and I don't want to talk about it so have a good day.  OH MY GOD! I was FUMING when I read that message! REALLY ASSHOLE? like I'm so sorry for not making a responsible decision and drinking more than I could handle and I already said I messed up so thank you for re-iterating the obvious! at least I was apologizing, I could of just forgotten about it, but instead I did the adult thing and owned my actions.  So yeah, thanks so much FOR BEING MEAN! 

Journal, I don't get it, like why are men so mean sometimes? like all I ever was with this character was legit and honest! I was friendly to him, I gave him my body! like I wrote something nice about him on my journal! I gave him respect and space! and I make one mistake and all of a sudden I'm this bad person, the stalker? this ALWAYS happens to me for being nice and being honest and being legit! but once again journal, this will not make me change! this was probably pay back for things I have done to people that I am not proud of.  This was karma at it's finest! just comes to show that karma is true! that what you do to others comes back around!

Anyway, I know that this post is a little bit much and there is A LOT of negative anger on here, but anger is just a reaction to hurt so ultimately, I felt really hurt by this person, this person who I had really fond feelings for, this person who I had a really good impression of, this person who for a little over a month, I shared a lot of intimate moments with, who I laughed with, who I shared some conversations with, who I legitimately thought was really cool! but, he is probably going through his own life drama and so I will find it in me to not judge to harsh, to get over this little incident and to always try to remember him fondly, because I only want good feelings in my heart! I will not let situations dirty my soul with anger and or hate or grudges.  It was a day, a mistake a moment in time that has now passed!

I will end this post on a positive note.  What I didn't tell you, is that when bachelor #2 came back to my apt. after I realized all the calls I had received from him.  I told him EVERYTHING! I told him about my "FWB" what had happened the night before, how I felt about the FWB and about him, how I had acted like a fool, I just opened up! and doing that made us closer! he held me and told me he wasn't mad and he was sorry he had left me, he kissed me and thanked me for being honest and then we proceeded to decide that we were going to give this thing a chance! this long month back and forth fighting thing must mean something! and so when my daughter asked us later that day if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, he looked at me and told her to ask me, I looked at him with a smile and said, yeah.... I guess he can be my boyfriend! and that's how due to a drunk crazy night, I ended up with my new boyfriend! BACHELOR #2 turned out to be my number 1 man! so you see journal, sometimes crazy nights end up in a positive note!  I gotta go now, my number one is texting me! yay! my new man!

Thursday, October 22, 2015

This is why...... I like living in the moment

Dear Journal -

I would say that for about 4 years now, I have somewhat followed a very difficult discipline that I cannot completely grasp, but non the less, understand now, more then ever before in my life.  I have written about this topic before but had a different perspective on it than I do now.  

Dan Millman, author of my two favorite books, There are No Ordinary Moments and The Way of The Peaceful Warrior, says in his book The Way of The Peaceful Warrior, that we have thousands of thoughts a day and that for the most part, most of those thoughts we are having are not serving us with our lives purpose.  By this, I don't think that he means that we shouldn't be thinking, or that we shouldn't be exploring ideas.  I believe that by this he means that when we are stuck in our heads and in our thoughts, we are not living fully the moment we are in.  We are instead looking down at our phones, the floor and everywhere else instead of ahead! instead of enjoying all the beauty that constantly surrounds us! Some moments I know for a fact that we don't want to prolong, but some others, I think are so precious that you want to stay in them forever!

I'm writing about this today, because I truly believe that I am falling back into a pattern that I do not like, I feel as if lately, I have been falling prisoner of my thoughts, and I am not liking this AT ALL! Lately, I have to constantly pull my thoughts back to this moment, back to the task at hand, back to this reality that I am in right this minute.  It does make me happy though, that at the very least I have not lost the reminder to pull myself back, to grasp my thoughts, and to think to myself why I am having them?  It is important to me to try to understand where the thoughts are coming from? what is the root of them? why I am having them?  I have to say that ever since I started trying really hard to live in the moment, my life feels more rewarding, and while living in the moment has nothing to do with being ruthless like some may interpret it, it is rewarding because you are truly aware of your surroundings, however, I feel like I need to focus on doing this more often, of getting myself out of my head and into this world!

Sometimes however, I question if this discipline is truly valuable.  Like yes I am living more frequently in the moment, but is that keeping me from planning ahead? and is it keeping me from exploring or thinking about my wants and needs? the other day I was having a conversation with someone about what I was feeling regarding he and I, and when he asked me the very simple question, what do you want? I couldn't answer it! I genuinely did not know, I was stuck and almost shocked that someone was asking this of me, because quite frankly, I don't ever think about it much. 

Him on the other hand, he had his future planned it almost seemed, I mean while the thought of his future didn't include me, at least he knew it.  At least he had thought it out, meanwhile I felt vulnerable to the fact that I never thought about it that far, I was just kind of enjoying what was happening, until I was no longer comfortable with the situation and decided it was time to move on from it.  I never thought about how long it should last, I just went with what I felt anytime I was around him.  

I am conflicted about this because my friend told me today that maybe because I don't think about things far enough, it's exactly the reason why things were not becoming a reality.  I on the other hand never thought of it that way, I just don't feel like it is necessary to plan my life with another human being that I barely know.  How can I plan what and how our relationship "would have been" or "would be" if there are certain steps that I feel need to happen before even considering a relationship.  For starters, I find it so important to be friends with someone before even considering them as someone I would even think of giving my love too! like I need to get to know a person, to be around them enough to know what they are like.  

Additionally, I never think of my life far ahead enough, to imagine someone in my life that way.  I feel that while I am open now to relationships, something I wouldn't consider before, I still think that I wouldn't go jumping into some crazy roller coaster ride just cause.  I've been on roller coaster relationships and they don't end well.  Regardless of all of this, it is difficult for me to express to someone, WHAT I WANT, because almost everyone, is always thinking so far ahead of everything, making up scenarios in their mind of what "the relationship" will look like, that they never stop to think of what is right in front of them, they never give things a chance because without really knowing a person, they already made up the story in their mind, therefore depriving themselves of enjoying each moment, the "process" of maybe finding out that this person is amazing or that this person is definitely not a compatible partner.  They allow judgments to cloud and impede them of moving forward with even just step one, the initial lets talk and be friends and see if this is something, or nothing at all.  So, when someone makes a decision based on whatever stories they made up in their heads about "what the relationship" that didn't even start will be like, how do I turn around and try to convince that person, to get out of their heads and live the now? like honestly sometimes when I start trying to talk to people about this, they sort of think I'm crazy! 

I personally feel that even though I don't know what I want, I think that at least by not knowing, I am enjoying and being more aware of my feelings without having judgements on the other person or denying myself and them of enjoying something that may turn into nothing or maybe turn into the best thing that ever happened.  I allow myself to go through things without fear of "what if's" and "I can't because" instead I see life as, this is fun, I enjoyed this and do you want to continue to the next step or is this not comfortable anymore should it stop? yes I know I am sort of not making sense, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that when you spend your time thinking about what it will be like, you are loosing out on what's really happening, what you are truly enjoying, you almost limit yourself to life's experiences when you are busy in your head making up scenarios. 

So yes, maybe I don't know what I want, but maybe I won't be here tomorrow either, so what difference would it have made if I did? No I don't anticipate I will die tomorrow (fingers crossed) but if I did, at the very least I feel that I lived my life the best way I could, I enjoyed each moment and each person to the fullest, because instead of thinking about how complicated things may have been, I focused on what it was when I was sharing a moment with whomever! I don't know, I honestly am a happier now than I was when I was busy making up stories in my head about "what I wanted" because most of the time, you want something, you get it and then you realize that's not what really makes you happy! 


Good night journal..........

I Leave you with.... Neyo - Miss Independent....

Monday, October 19, 2015

It's not LITERAL!

Dear Journal -

I cannot tell you, how many times since I've had you, you've gotten me into trouble! I mean yes technically it isn't you who gets me in trouble but rather the things I write to you, but yes, sometimes I feel like I want to say so much and hold back because "what if that person sees it?" however, I think it is fair to say that I never bad mouth or talk bad about anyone on my blog, because my blog is about LOVE.  I LOVE all people regardless of what they do to me, or how they have treated me.  I like to think that I am for the most part tasteful with what I say, but most important, I don't want to put any sort of poison on here because you might catch a virus! no need for negativity on this beautiful blog of mine.

So, without further a do, let me jump right in and tell you a few things about what's been going on in my life.  First, the other morning on 10/17 to be exact.  I came on here to sort out my feelings, to explore, to share.  I then the next day read my post and thought to myself.... WOW! what a HOT mess, I'm seriously all over the place with my emotions these days! but after I had sometime to think about it, I realized that I was just being a woman! it was Dr. John Gray that said it best in his book, men women and relationships, that women go on and on and on saying something to finally come to their own conclusions.  That we women explore our feelings by saying, by talking, by expressing and that is EXACTLY what I did! I ranted and raved and wrote and wrote and I don't think I took a step back to think about what I was writing, but now I came to terms with that post and I'm ok with it, I feel content with the content! HA!

I have written about quite a number of men on this blog and I have to say that a few have taken my words LITERALLY, so I had to come on here today to tell you journal that sometimes I am writing to explore my feelings and ideas and so what I may be feeling in that moment is not what I am always feeling.  To elaborate, I am writing something in that moment and tomorrow it may or may not mean the same! capish? I feel really grateful that I have you and can come on here and express myself freely without judgement, because when I'm writing to you, I don't care who's eyes will come upon you if ever they do! this is MY journal! and I will cry if I want too!

Anyway, I have some news to report that I think is worthy of noting.  Remember Wilford? (that's not his real name, that's the name he told me to use for the purpose of this blog) but remember him? my friend from Brooklyn who lived in B5? well, after him and I having the strangest friendship in the history of my life, I am happy to report that we are again friends and that he speaks to me again!!!! wooo hooo! good God that's so crazy! in a nut shell, I didn't have an iphone for a while, maybe like 8 months or so. Anywho, I got an iphone a few weeks ago which i'm sooooo happy about! I hated the samsung galaxy S5 with a passion! anyway, thanks to the amazing icloud, I'm going through my contacts and his name was on there!! HOLLY SHIT! I had erased it a long time ago so that I wouldn't be tempted to message him.  Anyway, not thinking he would respond, I sent him a message and a few days later he responded!!! HALLELUJAH!  it was the most random response ever but knowing him the way I do, I know for a fact he thought about responding thoroughly and carefully.  

He and I never had a real romantic relationship but I think I would have loved him soooooo deeply and wanted to kill him all at the same time if we had! that man truly is crazy, but I love him so dearly! he's just a good person! so he responded and the conversation was very short and then I told him I would be going to NYC and it would be awesome if I could see him.  He didn't say yes and he didn't say no, but again knowing him the way I do, he is probably still trying to decide! lucky for me I didn't end up going, but will be going soon, which will give him more time to decide if MAYBE he does! JEEZ LOUIS! that man makes things sooo complicated! Honestly, as much as I would love to see him, if he decides not too, I will just have to accept it and I will be ok with it. I am glad that I don't feel about him the way I once did and so I won't be deeply hurt or devastated if he decides he doesn't want to. 

I am really glad though, that we are OK and that on his bday if I send him a bday greeting he will respond with a thank you! it's nice that now it's ok to send him a hello greeting every now and again and that the air is fresh between us!  I just re-read a post that I wrote about him one of the last times I spent time with him and it made me cry, WOW! that's one post that was indeed LITERAL! journal, today I really missed NYC because last night I was hanging out in Denver, and while Denver is nowhere near as big and fun as NYC, it's still fairly cool! I'm so glad that in a few weeks I will be able to visit my family and friends back home! I'm a big city girl!

I'm really tired so I will go now, but I will leave you with Alanis! I added a few of her songs to my playlist the other day, good stuff!

Alanis Morrisette - You Oughta Know

Saturday, October 17, 2015

The one that could

Dear journal -

I don't even know how to start this post! I'm a bit fucked up, which probably makes me a better candidate to write and I wrote a whole post in my mind, but now that I am on here trying to express all that I have to say, I barely know where to start! So maybe let me start honestly.

About a month ago, I did something that I barely ever do.  I came home with my cousin feeling really drunk and on the way home we played regatton on my iphone and sang and reminisced about a place called NYC and how much we missed it.  When we got to my apt. complex my cousin was called over to a group of friends that were hanging out in front of someone's apt. and we walked over to it and we all began to talk and have a drunk night together.   Out of nowhere and I swear journal I really don't know how or in which way I ended up talking to one of the men that where in the group, but next thing I knew I was standing in front of my building talking to one of the gentlemen that were with us and all I recall is kissing him and thinking.... OH MY GOD.... those kisses.... and only based on that, I can remember feeling very connected to this individual.....

The next morning I wake up to a text message stating.... are you as hung over as I am? I opened my eyes, looked at the message and felt grossed out and disgusted in my actions from the night before and thinking.....UGH! I can't even talk or think at this moment, who are you? and.... what did I do? I slept a few hours more and then finally woke up fully and looked at my messages again and looked at that one messaged and all I could remember was the best kisses I had in months...... WOW those tender kisses, wow how nice they felt and how real............. Finally, I was fully awake and aware of what had transpired the evening or morning prior to my sleep.  Those kisses, they were magical, like those kisses that I had not shared in many nights or many days or many months or many maybe years? so I decided to respond to the message of the stranger who took my breath away... who was he? where did he come from? was he even handsome in my eyes? would someone else see his beauty as I did the night before? did I imagine those kisses?

We talked, and both decided that what we shared was mutual sexual attraction, or was it? sometimes I feel that there are people that it just feels comfortable with and so this is where this story really begins....... I thought that it was merely some sexual attraction that would ultimately not matter, just a moment in time, a way to kill time, to pass the time that just is, but if that were the case then why is he always on my mind? why did I feel the need to share things with him? why was it so hard to hold him after we were intimate? is it me? am I still scared? why does he stay in my skin and in my thoughts? why are his kisses so deep and almost sincere? do I imagine this because I feel alone? is it only in my mind? and why do I feel his sadness? why do I understand his pain? why does it almost affect me? why do I feel his presence when he isn't around? and why did I feel the need to be sincere with him as far as where I am in my life? why did I feel the need to say something, anything, just to be around him for a little longer?

Journal, it is hard for me to say or feel things, but it has been a while and he is just special, and I know that in his mind he is not the best thing ever, but in my mind, he just is.... something. and I can't really say what, because I don't know what, but when I am in his arms, I feel so deeply connected to him, like sexually it's amazing but not in a physical sense but deeper.  Like yes the sex is amazing but not because it's physically good, but something deeper, like the kisses are just deep and maybe it's because I don't kiss anyone, but I have kissed and it's hard to describe, it's just a very deep physical connection like I haven't felt in so very long.  So maybe it's nothing or maybe it's something, but I just needed to share because it's been a very long tine since I feel this way and I thought it was worth writing about.  

He has shared some things with me, but since they are personal to him I will just say one thing.  I have realized that monogamy is an individual thing.  And although sometimes I have questioned monogamy, I realized by sleeping with him one very important thing.  That I have only questioned monogamy when I am not completely into someone, when they to me where not someone that I completely felt a strong connection to, because otherwise, when I am completely into someone, I can not imagine sharing them! like when I think of him, I don't want anyone else touching him even though he isn't even mine, only for the moments that I have him, is he truly mine and maybe not even then, because I don't know where his mind is, but I am glad, that in those moments, his kisses are mine.......... and ONLY mine....YES! I HAVE HIM FOR A MOMENT so I'll take it! I guess I'll take at this point, anything that reminds me that I am a woman, that I still feel and that I am alive......

I leave you with -  The Hills.... The weekend....

Friday, September 11, 2015

How time flies.............

Dear Journal -

I have about five minutes for you, so I will probably make this really quick! Time sure does fly by, it seems like only yesterday that I was planning my trip to Colorado, that I was miserable working at a place where I felt like I was not wanted or needed and like people looked down on me as if I was a piece of nothing, just another employee that didn't really contribute much to the overall organizational goal.  Time flies though, and so much has changed!  

In the 6 months that I have been in my current position I look at life in such a different way, things are more meaningful, my life feels fulfilled.  Although in the 6 months I have had challenges where I was not sure if this is truly my calling, the moment I get a hug because I made a difference in someone's life, every single bit of it seems worth it.  I have made many decisions that I will share with you when I have more time.  But the most significant one thus far, has been to stay, to stick it through, to continue to make a positive difference.  I love the people I work with which makes my job that much more rewarding, I can honestly say there is no one there that I have anything at all to complain about.  

In general my life, my health and my spirit feels free, it feels good, I am alive! I often miss my friend AJ who I no longer speak to, it saddens me that he is to a certain extent the reason why I ended up in this wonderful new home.  My heart breaks anytime I have some new development that I cannot share with him.  I wish he would of seen things the way I see them, it never had to be romantic as far as I am concerned, the love I have for him is deeper than romance, and therefore it is greater! 

I have been struggling with my weight because for a while I didn't care, I was reckless in my eating habits, little by little though I am changing that, I am becoming me again as far as food is concerned, I am becoming the healthy eater that I am truly.  I am going to the gym again and feeling amazing about it.  I have stopped using my injury as an excuse and looking for ways to work around it.  I am getting older and realize there will always be changes coming that I will have to accept, not running anymore is probably one of them, but there will be more as time goes by.  I am ok journal, and I promise that as time goes by, I will come back to you more often to share all that I am, and all that I am becoming.

Stay tuned..........

P.s. tomorrow I get to go to my first CSU Rams game! I can't wait, so much fun!

I leave you with..
The Walker - Fitz and Tantrums

Monday, July 27, 2015

Old Flames.........

Dear Journal -

First I want to start by saying that the moment some sort of an emotional thing happens to me, I come running to you, as I feel like that is the most normal thing to do.  Today has been a very weird day and I am about to tell you why.

Many years ago when I started this blog, I was madly in love with someone who I wrote about constantly, I was never with him, I eventually was able to move on from that feeling and blah blah blah.  During all of that time all inclusive now, there was another person in my life that I had some sort of feelings for but with him it was literally impossible for me to be with, or think of him that way, and that is a story that I wrote on this blog in 2011 while I haven't written about this individual often in this blog, I have to tell you that he is a very important part of my life and that back in 2008 I made him a promise that up until now I have kept and for that I am really proud of myself.  Since 2008 he has been in jail in another country and although him and I couldn't write to each other, I was able to go visit him twice during that time and we have found ways to communicate.  

On Friday night going into Sat at about 3 a.m., I got a call and I had my phone on ringer by chance because I NEVER have my ring tone on, on my phone.  That night I had it on because I was on call from work.  Anyway, I answer the phone and half asleep I hear his voice! he said I am free, I don't even know what to do it feels so weird and I am so happy! I was so happy to hear it and half asleep I spoke to him for a few minutes and he told me he would call me the next day.  The next day came and all day long I kept looking at my phone waiting for the call that never came, eventually I called his mom and found out where he was which I sort of knew, but I controlled myself from calling him because I wanted to give him space on his first day out in the world again.  Finally, yesterday I called him and talked to him, and talking to him has me a hot mess! I keep thinking of him and wishing I was there to be with him and feeling anxious and like something is missing in my life! all these years I have always told myself that things between him and I will never happen, I even told his mom that a few months back, yet all of a sudden knowing he is free and that means he has the opportunity to be close to me, I can't control my anxious feeling! so the thing is that he was only let out for a few days but is probably on his way back to jail as I'm writing this, but in a few weeks he will truly be a free man and I can't deal with it! he won't be in the states, but he will be back home in my country, free, free to be with whomever he wants to be and that little fact is stressing me out! I don't know why all of a sudden I feel so possessive over him, or maybe I do.  I feel as he is mine all mine! like I WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE all these years in some sort of way and he belongs to me! and while I always said to him that one's he was out I had kept my promise and I would no longer have ties to him, I feel like that very thing is what makes me feel tied! and I want to just get on a flight and be there once he is finally free, but I don't know why I am feeling this way! it's stressing me out! I want it to go away, this weird anxious feeling! when we talked he told me that once he comes back to the states he wants to move to Colorado and obviously he has to come stay with me, but what does that mean? all these years we have only been friends.  Yes we were intimate at the very beginning, but after we always were friends and we always end our conversations with I love you! but when I say it I mean like friend love! I'm so confused!

Anyway journal, I needed to let out all these feelings because quite honestly I haven't felt anything like this in a really really really long time! I just sort of live my life.  I have been on a few dates here and there but no one ever does anything for me.  I went on a date with this man and he asked me out again and I had to say no because I just wasn't feeling it.  But when I heard my friends voice on the phone, I just wanted to run to him and be part of his freedom! I am so happy for him and I want him to succeed! I love him so very much! he is such a huge part of my life and I just hope that whatever happens between us, it never changes the fact that we are friends first and foremost and that I never want to loose that! and I am positively sure we won't, but what of all these feelings I am feeling now? 

I'm ALIVE! I still feel! I am happy and scared about it, but mostly happy! time will tell.............

Friday, July 10, 2015

Someone like you......

Dear Journal -

This is a pitty post! by that I mean that I was just updating my music library and I came upon a song that doesn't make me cry anymore but years ago made me sob.  How crazy is it how our feelings change and in time, this too should pass! Yes, while I was going through that time in my life I would always tell myself that, but it would still not stop the hurt, it would still hurt so very much, so very much, but it did pass and here I am now, listening to a song that reminds me of a love that I once knew yet I don't cry anymore, but that doesn't mean that I have forgotten that individual completely! on the contrary, I still look at his facebook page just about every few days, just cause.  I often wonder, if he is engaged to be married, why do I see more posts about his dog and countless pictures of his dog, yet I never see any of her? does that mean something? does it mean he isn't crazy about her? maybe she doesn't like her pics all over a social media I get it, but never even a mention of her? I don't know, it's just weird to me that's all.  I know I shouldn't look at his page anymore, but it doesn't matter.  I mean if I were into technology and software engineering I would probably follow him on all social media, so it's not like it's such a personal page that I try to stalk, it's just a habit at this point I guess.

So I went on a date the other night.  He is 50 years old! I'm only writing that on here because I have never been on a date with someone older than I am, so it was pretty cool! I was definitely attracted to him and thought he was really cool, but I haven't heard from him since and I am not about to chase nobody! I mean he did tell me he wanted to see me again and asked if I would hang out with him again, but we did not make any concrete plans, so he might of just asked to be nice.  I honestly don't care, it kind of makes me feel sad that I have come to the point that love no longer matters to me, it's seriously something that I just seriously don't care about.  Still, I won't stop dating because why should I? as long as I'm breathing, I will always force myself to try to feel something romantic for someone, some day.

Well journal, I'm pretty tired.  I work so much, it's always so busy at my job, but I truly am happy doing what I do! It's pretty darn awesome!