Dear Journal -
Jazzy is going through a whole lot right now, but I can't bring myself to write any of it because I don't even know where to start. This morning, I was looking through some notes and found this post that I had written but don't think I ever posted. So, here it is a post from May of 2016, when I was definitely in a different place than I am today. I think then, I was way happier.
I will be back, for there is much to tell..... till then wish me love.....
Also, good to note that I have not spoken to AJ for about a year now, he's probably the strangest friend I've ever had, I almost feel like I did something to him that makes him recent me or something, either way, I'm ok with that, I feel like I have all the people that I need in my life.
May 13, 2016
How are thou? I always say this and it's true, I often think of you, but I can't get myself to put the words in here anymore, is almost as if I left you behind in NYC with all my pain that there remains. Sometimes I wonder if this is my place of solace, a place where I came to leave it all behind, my past my hurt my old self. The mountains console me, I never feel down anymore, and while I miss my beautiful sky line, I no longer feel the yearn of being there again. I am content, though I might be alone without a person to love in a romantic way, I have so much love from so many great new friends that I don't miss it, I don't feel the need for it, yet sometimes I fear to end up alone, if that is even possible.
I have forgotten what a romantic connection feels like, yet I remember what it meant to me once upon a time. I can honestly say that in CO there is only but one person that sort of reminds me of what a connection feels like and it brings me a bit of comfort knowing that with him although I don't feel it still, I know we had one a long time ago. AJ, who is almost the reason why I ended up here, I grabbed on to him for a reason, and though I still don't know what that reason is, I believe it was part of the journey that I had to go on.
I had not seen AJ in a year maybe more, and the other day we had coffee, and for the first time since I've known him, I felt that we were finally in a good place, yet seeing him reminded me of what I felt when I did have connections, but I know in my heart that our connection can only stay as friendship, and I'm truly ok with that.
Today however something strange happened, I went to a training for work, and I met a man, who I instantly felt attracted too, I don't ever feel attracted to anyone anymore, but of course just my luck he is married and journal you know how much I respect another woman's man. Still I could tell the feeling was mutual, and while there was no flirting, something told me that he felt it also, and it reminded me of a book I read that talks about soul mates, how we can have so many in this world, but once you pick one and
they pick you, you must always stay true to that one person. clearly he is with his choice, yet for me, feeling attracted to someone made me feel happy, it reminded me that I can still be one day, so I am alive! I am here! And I'm not a robot!
The crazy thing about this whole story of today is that earlier on my way to the training, a song came on my playlist, that briefly took me back home to Brooklyn! And for a few brief moments I thought about him, the man in B5 and I wondered how he was doing, and sent him well wishes mentally and missed him dearly! I also fantasized how happy we would have been if he would of given me a chance, and how connected I had felt to him, and how not often in life those connections cross your path, and how I could not talk to him became it was best, and how I would of stayed in NYC just for him and would of been ok with that decision, and how much he would like Colorado if he was adventurous like me.
So tonight as I sit here thinking about all of this, it was so easy to make the words flow onto you, because still he inspires me, and still when I think of him the man in B5 it's easy to write, and it reminds me of how he told me to find someone else to inspire me and how it's been nearly 4 years since I last saw him and still the thought of him helps me pour my thoughts into this my journal.
I wish he would have believed in himself the way I did, I wish he could have seen what I did. And so often I also think of Benjamin Nunez, but when I compare the two although I never fell deeply in love with the man from B5 how I loved Benjamin, I know the man in B5 could of become one of my great loves, the connection was out of this world, it was a spiritual one that I know even he felt, or maybe that whole story was all in my creative mind, and maybe it was just meant to be written.
Still, I am glad that today I went down memory lane, that today I was able to put my thoughts and feelings onto you my journal, for it has been to long my lovely! and while I don't know when the words will flow again, I can assure you that once again soon they will! because there is much more to live and write.