Friday, September 11, 2015

How time flies.............

Dear Journal -

I have about five minutes for you, so I will probably make this really quick! Time sure does fly by, it seems like only yesterday that I was planning my trip to Colorado, that I was miserable working at a place where I felt like I was not wanted or needed and like people looked down on me as if I was a piece of nothing, just another employee that didn't really contribute much to the overall organizational goal.  Time flies though, and so much has changed!  

In the 6 months that I have been in my current position I look at life in such a different way, things are more meaningful, my life feels fulfilled.  Although in the 6 months I have had challenges where I was not sure if this is truly my calling, the moment I get a hug because I made a difference in someone's life, every single bit of it seems worth it.  I have made many decisions that I will share with you when I have more time.  But the most significant one thus far, has been to stay, to stick it through, to continue to make a positive difference.  I love the people I work with which makes my job that much more rewarding, I can honestly say there is no one there that I have anything at all to complain about.  

In general my life, my health and my spirit feels free, it feels good, I am alive! I often miss my friend AJ who I no longer speak to, it saddens me that he is to a certain extent the reason why I ended up in this wonderful new home.  My heart breaks anytime I have some new development that I cannot share with him.  I wish he would of seen things the way I see them, it never had to be romantic as far as I am concerned, the love I have for him is deeper than romance, and therefore it is greater! 

I have been struggling with my weight because for a while I didn't care, I was reckless in my eating habits, little by little though I am changing that, I am becoming me again as far as food is concerned, I am becoming the healthy eater that I am truly.  I am going to the gym again and feeling amazing about it.  I have stopped using my injury as an excuse and looking for ways to work around it.  I am getting older and realize there will always be changes coming that I will have to accept, not running anymore is probably one of them, but there will be more as time goes by.  I am ok journal, and I promise that as time goes by, I will come back to you more often to share all that I am, and all that I am becoming.

Stay tuned..........

P.s. tomorrow I get to go to my first CSU Rams game! I can't wait, so much fun!

I leave you with..
The Walker - Fitz and Tantrums

Monday, July 27, 2015

Old Flames.........

Dear Journal -

First I want to start by saying that the moment some sort of an emotional thing happens to me, I come running to you, as I feel like that is the most normal thing to do.  Today has been a very weird day and I am about to tell you why.

Many years ago when I started this blog, I was madly in love with someone who I wrote about constantly, I was never with him, I eventually was able to move on from that feeling and blah blah blah.  During all of that time all inclusive now, there was another person in my life that I had some sort of feelings for but with him it was literally impossible for me to be with, or think of him that way, and that is a story that I wrote on this blog in 2011 while I haven't written about this individual often in this blog, I have to tell you that he is a very important part of my life and that back in 2008 I made him a promise that up until now I have kept and for that I am really proud of myself.  Since 2008 he has been in jail in another country and although him and I couldn't write to each other, I was able to go visit him twice during that time and we have found ways to communicate.  

On Friday night going into Sat at about 3 a.m., I got a call and I had my phone on ringer by chance because I NEVER have my ring tone on, on my phone.  That night I had it on because I was on call from work.  Anyway, I answer the phone and half asleep I hear his voice! he said I am free, I don't even know what to do it feels so weird and I am so happy! I was so happy to hear it and half asleep I spoke to him for a few minutes and he told me he would call me the next day.  The next day came and all day long I kept looking at my phone waiting for the call that never came, eventually I called his mom and found out where he was which I sort of knew, but I controlled myself from calling him because I wanted to give him space on his first day out in the world again.  Finally, yesterday I called him and talked to him, and talking to him has me a hot mess! I keep thinking of him and wishing I was there to be with him and feeling anxious and like something is missing in my life! all these years I have always told myself that things between him and I will never happen, I even told his mom that a few months back, yet all of a sudden knowing he is free and that means he has the opportunity to be close to me, I can't control my anxious feeling! so the thing is that he was only let out for a few days but is probably on his way back to jail as I'm writing this, but in a few weeks he will truly be a free man and I can't deal with it! he won't be in the states, but he will be back home in my country, free, free to be with whomever he wants to be and that little fact is stressing me out! I don't know why all of a sudden I feel so possessive over him, or maybe I do.  I feel as he is mine all mine! like I WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE all these years in some sort of way and he belongs to me! and while I always said to him that one's he was out I had kept my promise and I would no longer have ties to him, I feel like that very thing is what makes me feel tied! and I want to just get on a flight and be there once he is finally free, but I don't know why I am feeling this way! it's stressing me out! I want it to go away, this weird anxious feeling! when we talked he told me that once he comes back to the states he wants to move to Colorado and obviously he has to come stay with me, but what does that mean? all these years we have only been friends.  Yes we were intimate at the very beginning, but after we always were friends and we always end our conversations with I love you! but when I say it I mean like friend love! I'm so confused!

Anyway journal, I needed to let out all these feelings because quite honestly I haven't felt anything like this in a really really really long time! I just sort of live my life.  I have been on a few dates here and there but no one ever does anything for me.  I went on a date with this man and he asked me out again and I had to say no because I just wasn't feeling it.  But when I heard my friends voice on the phone, I just wanted to run to him and be part of his freedom! I am so happy for him and I want him to succeed! I love him so very much! he is such a huge part of my life and I just hope that whatever happens between us, it never changes the fact that we are friends first and foremost and that I never want to loose that! and I am positively sure we won't, but what of all these feelings I am feeling now? 

I'm ALIVE! I still feel! I am happy and scared about it, but mostly happy! time will tell.............

Friday, July 10, 2015

Someone like you......

Dear Journal -

This is a pitty post! by that I mean that I was just updating my music library and I came upon a song that doesn't make me cry anymore but years ago made me sob.  How crazy is it how our feelings change and in time, this too should pass! Yes, while I was going through that time in my life I would always tell myself that, but it would still not stop the hurt, it would still hurt so very much, so very much, but it did pass and here I am now, listening to a song that reminds me of a love that I once knew yet I don't cry anymore, but that doesn't mean that I have forgotten that individual completely! on the contrary, I still look at his facebook page just about every few days, just cause.  I often wonder, if he is engaged to be married, why do I see more posts about his dog and countless pictures of his dog, yet I never see any of her? does that mean something? does it mean he isn't crazy about her? maybe she doesn't like her pics all over a social media I get it, but never even a mention of her? I don't know, it's just weird to me that's all.  I know I shouldn't look at his page anymore, but it doesn't matter.  I mean if I were into technology and software engineering I would probably follow him on all social media, so it's not like it's such a personal page that I try to stalk, it's just a habit at this point I guess.

So I went on a date the other night.  He is 50 years old! I'm only writing that on here because I have never been on a date with someone older than I am, so it was pretty cool! I was definitely attracted to him and thought he was really cool, but I haven't heard from him since and I am not about to chase nobody! I mean he did tell me he wanted to see me again and asked if I would hang out with him again, but we did not make any concrete plans, so he might of just asked to be nice.  I honestly don't care, it kind of makes me feel sad that I have come to the point that love no longer matters to me, it's seriously something that I just seriously don't care about.  Still, I won't stop dating because why should I? as long as I'm breathing, I will always force myself to try to feel something romantic for someone, some day.

Well journal, I'm pretty tired.  I work so much, it's always so busy at my job, but I truly am happy doing what I do! It's pretty darn awesome!

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Something New........

Dear Journal

I mainly don't write to yo because I am too lazy to use my on-screen keyboard, since I wet my key pad on my mac and messed up the letter u.  Ugh! it's so annoying, but I guess I will make the best of it until I get it fixed.  I have been writing a lot of material for work, so I definitely write, just not here anymore the way I once did.  I feel sad, like I have almost abandoned you, but lately, my life isn't very exciting, I guess I don't have much to tell you because I'm living a pretty non interesting life.  No new love, no new love adventure, no drama, no excitement! I have been struggling to loose weight, and it's very frustrating, but partly I struggle because I start to do really well and then I just sort of loose interest in trying and stop, and what I mean by that is that my eating habits have been very bad.  I mean for the most part I try my very best to be healthy, but every other week I like go on this sweet kick and I almost can't get off it.  I have been riding my bike to work as often as I can which is pretty awesome, but other than that, I don't exercise much.  I have realized that I don't like the gym much, and since I can't run anymore, I just don't care to do anything.  So I ride my bike since I truly enjoy doing so that is what keeps me semi staying in my current weight, which is 25 pounds over what I used to be.  Some of my cloths no longer fits me, others just barely do and I just don't care to go above and beyond to loose it, I just feel tired of struggling, yet I can't give up completely because that's just not who I am.  I will figure it out eventually I guess!

I have been thinking about AJ very much, I mean I never fully stop wondering how he may be doing, but I deleted his number from my phone and decided that I cannot reach out to him because the last time I had any sort of interaction with him, I said things that were really messed up, and I just don't know how to say anything that will repair what was said.  As I wrote in a previous post, I don't regret what I said because I needed to get it off my chest, but I wish I would of said it to his face in a manner that he would understand where I was coming from with it, and why I thought it, and why I felt I needed to express it, but since he never gives me the opportunity to sit with him and talk, I lashed out one night when I was drinking and said more than I should have and now it's just too late to go back and try to explain why I said it.  I know all of this sounds complicated to you sweet journal, but it really wouldn't be if he and I just sat down for coffee like two old friends and just discussed it.  Sometimes I'm concerned about him, I wonder if he is happy, and wish I could be friends with him the way I am with JC or my other friends, where we can sit and chat about anything with no past drama.  The other night I was sitting with my friend JC watching an episode of supernatural and while we were there sitting together watching it, I thought to myself, why can't I do this with AJ, why can't I share special friendship moments with the person who is responsible for me haven found this wonderful home?  and for a brief moment I felt so sad, that out of everyone in this state, the one person that I wish I could share cool moments with because he was the one who introduced me to this amazing town, I couldn't share it with him.  I felt sad.....

There is nothing else for me to say at the moment journal.  I love/hate my job, it's so difficult sometimes to work in an environment where there is so much sorrow from people, where you see and hear so many sad stories, maybe that is why my life feels so rewarding right now, because compared to so many, I am so truly blessed.  

I leave you with this, the newest thing in my life is that I love it, I can't complain because there is nothing to complain about, and for this, I am truly grateful!

By: Madonna

Monday, May 4, 2015

So Emotional

Dear Journal:

Lately, I've been super duper lazy.  When I say super duper I mean like completely lazy! I have let myself go, I don't exercise, I don't go out, I don't watch what I eat, I am just uncaring.  However, I still am thinking about the future, my 5 year plan that I always have.  I'm not really sure why I am feeling this way, part of me feels that I'm like this because I've come to a point where I feel somewhat stuck, unable to make good decision.  The only thing that's keeping me happy is the fact that I have a new job where I am learning so many new things that it makes my life exciting, but other than that, I do realize that there is something missing.  I really believe that my oldest son leaving the nest has affected me more than I thought.  I miss him so very much even though we talk almost every day, however, I still feel this empty feeling in my home, things are not the same and while I realize that this is all part of life, I hate to have to accept it.  Lately, I have also been missing NYC.  I miss my friends most of all.  I miss it not to an extent that I feel like I want to go back, but to an extent that I really need to visit soon, because I miss my friends, I really do.

The other morning, I woke up to a txt message from the last person who I thought I would be hearing from, it only said what's up what's new, but the moment I opened my eyes looked at my phone to see the time and saw that I had a message from him, my day lit up! what an affect this young man still has on me, if only it was ok for us to love one another, if only it were ok for it to be real.  His name, is BK and through out this journal you will find many times since I've started writing this journal that his name is written on it.  I was so happy to hear from him, for him to be reaching out to me to ask how I was.  The whole day we exchanged messages and I almost didn't want the day to end because I knew that once it did, our conversation would be over for who knows how long, when will we talk again? when would we see one another again?  Talking to him always reminds me how much I love Brooklyn! how much I love my Brooklyn boys, how much I miss Brooklyn, how much I miss him and I just got all sorts of emotional through out the day.  In a perfect world I would have two homes, one in Fort Collins, CO one in Brooklyn, NYC! but this my world isn't perfect, so I shall stay here close to my beautiful mountains, because I love them and so do my children.

I had to come on here my sweet journal to tell you about a very emotional day last week that I had because I had the pleasure of talking to my BK, the one guy who time, nor distance has allowed me to forget him! and yes, we are but friends, really good friends, but in my heart he sure does hold a very special place.  Why wouldn't he? we watched the sunset at Coney Island beach the last time we saw one another, and while we didn't even share a kiss that night, we shared something that not too many people in this world can, we shared an intimate moment of true friendship and genuine love and maybe not even romantic love, but the kind of love that two people that respect and look up to each other share.  He is so awesome! he's so much like me in so many ways.  So hard working and career oriented, so smart and funny and genuine, so intelligent and kind and so very handsome.  Maybe like I wrote in a previous post a few years ago he is a love that I once knew in another life time, maybe, just maybe.........

I leave you with:
So Emotional
By: Whitney Houston

Sunday, April 19, 2015

My home my happiness!

Dear Journal -

It's been a few weeks maybe that I haven't blogged and I have to admit that this time it hasn't been like before, when I think of you all the time and have intentions to write but then never do.  This time, I've been very distracted and really busy with my new job.  I have to admit that I have mixed feelings about it, no it isn't that I don't like the work that I do, but it's just that the money I make isn't where I want to be.  Before I took the position I talked about it with my parents and my really good friends those who I love and trust.  They all told me it was a good idea to take the position, because for one I wasn't working, and some money is better than no money.   So yes, I understood what I was doing when I accepted the position, but now I am bummed because I really love this job, I really love the work that I do, and I really really like that I have my own office! It's so cool to have my own space that I don't have to share with anyone, I am slowly making it my own and the process is slow but coming along! However in the back of my mind it annoys me tremendously that not only me, but many many people in my field aren't fairly compensated for the work that we do, we are people trying to make other people's lives a little better! 

Everyone I work with really truly cares and that makes it such a nice place to be daily, knowing that I am with individuals that truly love what they do! I feel like I'm where I was meant to be.  But the most rewarding part of the job is when I am able to give one person hope, someone who had to sneak out of her home with her 4 children because the man that she married was beating her and her kids and she's found it in herself to get the courage to leave, to run and to change her life for her and her children.  She came into the shelter with absolutely nothing, fleeing from a man that doesn't know how to appreciate his family, someone who treats her bad and controls her because of his own issues.  On Friday before I left the office, she said thank you to me with a huge smile, and in that moment I knew that the money didn't matter, because the gratitude from the people I help, filled my life with joy! and that is what is truly important! I am making enough money to take care of the things that I need so it will do for now, I know eventually I will be in a better place financially.

Nothing else has been going on in my life worthy of me talking about, although I did join weight watchers online.  I have gained 20 pounds since I've been in Colorado and I am not very happy about it.  I understand that I have to age and that I can't control crows feet and wrinkles nor can I control getting grey's which I'm starting to get, but the one thing I can most certainly control is my weight, so that is what I'm trying to do.  I am trying to loose weight because in my life it has always been a constant struggle, however it is something that I can control and therefore I am working on controlling it.  I have to admit that I have been lazy with going to the gym, but I did get a bike and I started riding my bike to work last week, I am hoping that will help me with my goals.

I haven't dated or met or talked to anyone in a really long time, I've sort of being focused on me and my goals getting my life where I wanted to be.  I have however been spending a lot of time with good friends, I feel like I have made some really good friends here that I feel are my family in Colorado and that makes me really happy! I have to say that all in all life is pretty darn good and I am pretty darn happy.  I really love my new home Colorado! 


Sunday, April 12, 2015

Love me like you do.........

Dear Journal -

I was just out with some friends and I got home and I don't feel well.  I did not have not one drink, not one! the last time I drank too much I sent someone a message that was not mean because it was true, but kind of mean because it was too true.  Anyway, I didn't only send that individual a message, I also sent someone else a message, his name is BK and the song that I just attached to this post for the strangest reason makes me think of him.  BK and I met at Brooklyn College him and I had 3 classes together and we became really good friends, long story short we had a brief romance but it was very intense.  He is way younger than I am which is probably the only reason why we are not married right now.   Anyway, that's a brief description of who he was to me in my life.   About a month ago we talked on the phone for about 2 hours, we almost didn't want to get off I feel like it isn't only hard for me to accept that we can't be together, I think he feels the same way so I always try to keep my distance.  I am so proud of him though, he is about the get his MBA from a great University, he is just everything I want in a man, just fucking awesome as hell! I miss him all the time and think of him more than I should, but thinking of him makes me miss NY so I try to stop myself from indulging in my thoughts of him.

I think the song I've attached to this blog makes me think of him because we once took a drive in Brooklyn in my old car which was rather small and he took me to this park in Brooklyn that I did not even know existed, we got there parked in a parking spot and we had sex in the front of the car.  It was pretty crazy because the parking lot of that park was pretty well lit, but he didn't care we just did it and it was amazing! having sex in a car in NY is illegal, you can get arrested, but we didn't care, we felt it and we did it.  I guess I think of him with this song because him and I were both very adventurous, we once planned to do it in a class room at the college, so we waited until the class was dismissed and plotted on how to sneak into a class and get it on, we figured out a way and did it.  It was scary but awesome, the risk was getting kicked out of school, but I guess we didn't care about the consequences, we just wanted to enjoy a crazy moment.  I miss him all the time.

What we felt for one another was real...........