Wednesday, February 25, 2015

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want too!

Dear Journal -

I feel like I write my best when shit is all over the place, which right now it is! I mean yeah, it could be so much worse as my ex-husband was all to happy to point out, but I feel like shit! and if I want to throw myself a pitty party then I should be able to because I feel like it! why can't I? why do I always have to keep it together, have it all figured out and be on top of it all? I am human too and I deserve to be sad, cry, feel like shit, and whatever else I choose too as long as I get back on track at some point!

I'm not happy lately, mostly because I was laid off from work.  But getting laid off from work is not what has me so sad, getting laid off from work is just the initiation of why I'm feeling down.  I am down because not working gives me time to think about my life and realize how I am not happy with the fact that I am not doing what I truly love.  What do I truly love? I love Psychology! I want to help others with what I have learned, I want to be in a field where I am making a difference, and unfortunately I cannot be in it.  Yes there are many reasons why I can't, for starters I don't have experience and therefore even to get a job as a case manager is a huge deal, of course I won't get a job like that, I don't have the slightest idea of how I would manage someone's case because I have never done that and I can't get into the field because I need to work to make a living and take care of my children so let's say I did get lucky and got a job as a case manager so that I could get into the field, well then I would be getting paid crumbs and I would make more money doing what I was doing before which is HR stuff, except I'm not up there in the HR ranks because well, I couldn't move up in the HR ranks before because I didn't have a degree and now that I do, I have to be around for a while in order to make it up in the ranks but I don't care to make it up in the ranks because that's not what I really want! I need a masters degree to go anywhere, but who has the money for a masters degree now? also, I have to worry about my kids and their future first before I can go looking for mine, which should have been determined years ago.

I know that I am rambling on, so for now I want to say this.  I felt really alone today for the very first time since I've been in Colorado and for a moment I wanted to go back home to NYC.  Then, I was driving and took a look at the mountains and for some reason they made me feel better.  All of a sudden I felt like I was right where I needed to be, I felt at home.  So it isn't Colorado that is doing anything, is me and my wants/needs that are making me feel the way I do.  I came here with a plan that I am not following and for the first time in a really long time I don't have a 5 year plan and I ALWAYS have a 5 year plan so I feel a bit out of place, out of myself out of  control with my life.  I understand that I need to get myself together, that I can't help others if I am all over the place myself.  So I just wanted to come on here my beautiful ever so faithful journal and cry to you because I want to, because I can, and because I have the right too!

ps. I cut off all my hair....... I wish Benjamin was still my friend, he would be most pleased with my new hair cut... I miss him so!

Monday, February 16, 2015

A Valentine's Day Story

Dear Journal -

I'm not gonna lie that for the first time in many many years, this yearsValentine's day made me feel a bit down! I felt for some reason a bit down a bit lonely.  I thought that this year for the first time in many years I was going to have a Valentine, and although I don't usually allow myself to succumb to the social pressures of all these holidays that we have that are so commercialized, this year I just felt it really bad.  Maybe it had to do with the fact that I just had a really awesome time with someone I genuinely liked and I was sort of hoping we would be spending Valentine's day together.  I feel like that is probably the most logical reason for my feelings being all over the place.  Anyway, Valentine's day has come and gone, but yesterday while I was searching for something to make me feel better, I remembered a Valentine's day many moons ago, that was truly special.  It goes a little something like this....

I was in my senior year of High School.  I went to a HS called Lower East Side prep.  it was an alternative HS and what that basically means, is that I was kicked out of regular HS for fighting (that's another blog post) and I dropped out of HS initially but then decided I wanted to go back to HS and get a HS diploma, so I found out about these small HS that were tailored to accommodate older HS students that wanted to graduate but had behavioral issues etc.  My school was really small and everyone knew each other.  It was pretty awesome! I really liked it there.  I was there for a little over 2 years.  

One Valentine's day they had this thing were you could buy a rose and send it to someone.  You could do so anonymously or if you wanted, you could put your name on it.  The way they did it as I recall is they would put the rose in your locker or maybe deliver it to your locker while you were standing there between periods.  I remember that I was standing by my locker and someone came over to me to deliver a rose that a boy had bought for me.  Along with the rose was a teddy bear.  I don't remember what the card said, but I do remember the card saying a name of someone I did not recognize.  You can imagine my surprise when I saw this! I was like, who in the world? In that school there was a "cool" group or a group of teenagers that were like the 'in" crowd, and I was part of the "in" crowd, so I thought I new anyone who was anyone! when I got to one of my classes later on that afternoon, with the rose that someone I didn't know had sent me, a boy came up to me and asked me if I liked the rose he had sent me! I could not believe it! I was so taken aback, and flattered and in awe that someone had this huge crush on me and I was non the wiser! it was a pretty awesome feeling.

Needless to say Anthony (that was his name) won me over and I began to date him.  In a nut shell, he and I were together for a little less than a year I think.  I took his virginity which I thought was pretty cool! and I think he loved me very much! I do not believe my feelings for him were as strong and I do not remember why we broke up, but it was a sweet relationship that I had with him.  During our relationship I do recall there being a girl who was really jealous of our relationship, I do remember that she liked him very much and I also recall that after we broke up she managed to get him, get herself pregnant from him and hopefully lived with him happily ever after! I graduated and never heard from him again.  I only have a picture of the two of us, to remind me of a boy that made one Valentine's day very special.

I hope his life is amazing, because he was an amazing guy that I once knew!

This is my journal, these are my memories..... I hope if you come across this post, you will enjoy it!

I leave you with:
Naked Eyes
Always Something There

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

You don't love love the idea of him....

Dear Journal -

As much as I like to pretend that my life is like a romantic soap opera and that one day, he and by he I mean someone, is going to come running back to me like the way it happens in romantic comedies, the truth is that it's never like that in real life.  At least not in my life, not anymore.  Maybe when I was younger I had those moments when someone would come back to me to tell me what a big mistake they had made by letting me go, or maybe we broke up by we I mean whom ever came back to me at some point which I can recall that one day someone did, a long time ago.  I pretty sure my oldest sons dad, came back a few times and we would make up and it would be amazing for a little while but then it would go back to the same thing, that thing when you know in the deepest of your heart that no matter how much you love this person so deeply, it's not gonna work, for whatever reason.  Well, that's sort of how my European romance ended.

Once we got back to America reality hit and all the romance slowly faded and reality kicked in and everyone was back to playing their respective roles.  I am me and he is he and nothing is gonna change that.  So I initially let him stay with me and that only lasted about almost a week, but on day eight I had to let him go, he had to leave.  Am I sad? yes very! am I devastated, not really.  I understand that somethings are just not meant to be.  I understand that very well, so I have learned that it's best to end things before they get out of control, or rather, before I start building ideas in my mind that are not true otherwise known as allowing my heart to cloud my thoughts.  Logic! one thing I never knew how to use when I was young and naive and believed in fairy tales or didn't really but believed in my heart, in what it told me to do.  Sometimes I feel like my eyes are un masked and that is awesome! others I sort of wish they still were, because then I could love again.

This past Saturday night I wrote Benjamin Nunez an email for the first time in almost a year.  I wonder why my old friend still till this day does not speak to me.  Yea to some I'm some psycho, but those who truly know me, know that I am just someone who wishes to get through to someone, to understand them, to comprehend their actions and so I don't give up.  Obviously I don't expect a response, but it would be nice if one day out of nowhere, I would find a response and that out of all the people who have left my life, he would be the one coming back for me, yes! it's still him! 

But I was building in my mind a little fantasy that maybe I could fall in love again, with this cool man that I had spent time with in Europe, that maybe he would change the things that I asked because I am worth it, but the reality is that I am worth it, it's just that he doesn't realize it because he isn't worthy.  So I had to set him free so he could fly.

Life is good! I know that one day Benjamin will come back.  And when I say Benjamin I don't mean the man who inspired me to write this blog, the man that I loved for so many years in silence, the man that stopped talking to me and never spoke to me again, the man that will soon be married.  Benjamin has become sort of a metaphor, the thing that I use to explain what I want to feel again one day.  As Benjamin himself told me one day, Jazzy it isn't him you miss, it's the idea of him.  That is correct.

Good luck DJ Bass.......

Monday, February 2, 2015

European Romance

Dear Journal -

I'm on my flight from Frankfurt to Washington, D.C. a flight I had to end up taking because my original flight which was Frankfurt to NJ was changed due to a severe snow storm that has caused all the flights leaving NY/NJ area tonight to be cancelled, I was supposed to fly to Denver from NJ!

Anyway, almost every night for this past week I've been thinking about you because I have a lot on my mind, and I feel like you are the one I like to go to, so that I can express and think as I write, which serves as a sort of therapy.  You help me feel better and have even helped me make some decisions.

I left to Europe thinking that I was just going to have a good time with a friend who happens to be my ex-boyfriend who's company I happen to enjoy.  Someone who has always been nothing but nice to me, the one guy I can honestly say has always treated me like a princes.  Respect and honesty and everything I could always hope for in someone.   I thought I could go there and handle it and not allow myself to get emotional about it, but here I am sitting on this flight thinking that something happened while I was there, something I'm having a hard time with.  How can I turn around now and walk away and pretend I don't feel anything? We had such an amazing time.  And yes I know you are thinking that I'm feeling this way because it was Europe and it was romantic, but it isn't that.   I have always felt this way about him, maybe now more than before, but definitely I have always been bummed about the fact that we can't be together.

When we were in Amsterdam, my good friend said that we made a great couple and asked us why we weren't together? and he couldn't answer it, he just looked at me and I had to say that he wasn't ready, and his response was like....ok.... which translates to, I guess I'll accept that.  Later that night I asked him why and he couldn't answer the question of why weren't we together? and that's when I broke down! I told him that since I had gotten to Europe I couldn't help but to randomly think of Benjamin and how when I had first met Benjamin, I had told him that I had this dream that I would one day go to Paris with the man I loved, and how one of my really good friends had told me that he never thought of Paris as romance but rather he thought of Paris as fashion and so that's how I had started thinking about it.  And how I felt so hurt that Benjamin was engaged to another woman, and how I had loved Benjamin all those years and felt like I had loved him more than anyone else I had ever loved.  And how my feelings for him had always been based on who I thought him to be, because I never really had known him any other way.

And then I said that I wanted it all, I deserved it all and how I was always so afraid because he was real and in my life and how I didn't know or understood what I felt cause I was really scared.   So he listened and stood quiet and then I cried a little and after we changed the conversation, and he never told me how he felt about us, nor did he answer my question... Why aren't we together?

So now what happens? I have to get back home he's going to be staying with me initially and I have to try to pretend that I don't feel all these things, that I don't feel closer to him than ever before.   But I also have to keep things in perspective and not allow my heart to control me, but rather let logic kick in.   Let logic control the situation.   I know he has strong feelings for me as well, I know it's hard for him as well.   I don't want to pressure him, I want him to make it right for us on his own.  I hope he does, but if he doesn't and this doesn't work out, I have to say that maybe my dream of going to Paris with the man I loved didn't come true, but I sure did go to Paris with the nicest most awesome guy I have ever had the opportunity of being around.   I surely do hope that if it isn't me that he's searching for that he finds it with someone who truly deserves him!

My second trip to Europe was amazing! I know there will be others.   Last night he told me that he had my back, and the whole time we were in Europe together, we were together! I even met his mom!

Only time will tell what will happen next...

Stay tuned!

Friday, January 16, 2015

Just in Case

Dear Journal -

I feel like I keep apologizing every single time I come on this my sweet space on the internet! I have to apologize! because I keep neglecting you, I think of you all the time, I really do! what will I write? what will I call the post? should I talk about xyz? and then I get wrapped up in my lazy ways and just sort of loose the momentum.  I wanted to write to you at midnight tonight, because in a few hours I will be heading to the airport for my second trip to Europe! I am super excited and yet I feel like it's just another trip! what has happened to me journal? have I lost myself some way? why is it that sometimes I don't find a trill in anything at all almost? I have no idea, I can honestly say that I do not but still I want to share this with you because it will be fun I am sure of it.

So how come I'm going to Europe you may be asking? well, the story goes something like this! when I first moved to Colorado almost a year ago next month, I met a really wonderful person and for purposes of this post I will call him DJ Bass or actually that is his DJ name hehe... anyway, him and I met at a techno/house warehouse rave in Denver and it turned out that we lived literally a mile away from each other in Fort Collins that's my town! anyway, I am positive that I wrote about him before but I am too sleepy to look for the post to link it to this one which is why I'm giving this short description of our story.  DJ Bass turned out to be my very first boyfriend in almost 7 years! YES HE DID! he and I were an official couple and everyone knew about us, including our parents! THAT'S HUGE! for me.  Anyway, things didn't work out between us (more on that another day) but DJ B and I stayed good friends.  DJ B's mom lives in Germany because that is where she is originally from, DJ B visits his mom every year for the holidays, like every year, he left to spend time with his mom back in November and when he arrived I got a txt message from him telling me that he was in Germany and wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving! when I saw his message I was a bit annoyed (more on that another time) but I wrote back because as annoyed as I was, I was also happy to hear from him.  We began chatting and I told him I wanted to visit him and his answers was.... COME ON! he knows me well enough to know that my word is my bond, so when he said come on, I was like "I'm serious" and he was like "so am I" so a few weeks later I purchased my ticket and here I am the night before my trip telling you this story.

It will be very nice to see DJ Bass, I have not seen him since October, so it will be great to get some hugs and kisses and well...  you know! I love spending time with him because he is really smart and funny and treats me like a princes! he does whatever he can to make me feel happy and of course I reciprocate.  I would like to write about how much fun we are going to have together, but I am really sleepy, so instead I will take my laptop with me and write some more about my plans once I arrive and see him and my trip actually begins.

But before I go to bed, there is just one thing that I want to write.  Many years ago, someone who meant a great deal to me, sent me a message from the airport and in the message it said that every time he was going to get on a plane, he always thought about what he wanted to tell people "just in case" I was so nervous to ask him what he wanted to tell me, that I just simply said that I knew nothing was going to happen to him, but the nature of his message led me to believe that there was something he wished to tell me and maybe I didn't give him the opportunity to say it.  Tonight, I can't help but to think of him and wonder what it was that he wanted to tell me "just in case" but there is something that I do want to write to him "just in case" I want him to know that there is still almost not one day that doesn't go by that I don't wonder how he is doing, and that I don't wish we could be friends.  It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that he is engaged, It makes me angry when I think about it.  One night, I allowed myself to hate him, to curse him out, to hate her, to be angry with my thoughts and with my words and then I cried and then after I let out all that anger, I allowed love to enter my heart and clean all those terrible sentiments away and in that moment I felt peace, and with all my love I wished him happiness.  So.... "just in case" there is someone who still thinks of you fondly, who will always love you in some sort of way and who wishes you all the best in your new life with the woman you chose.  I'm going to Germany tomorrow, to hang out with someone super special and one of the reasons why I dated him was because he resembled you so much, how crazy am I?

So journal.... "just in case" I love you!

ps. "just in case" I miss my friend AJ very much!

Monday, December 22, 2014

Dear AJ:

Dear Journal -

I wanted to write I really did, but I've been lazy! that's the only excuse I have! but last night I was thinking about AJ, whom I sent a message to the other day after not talking to him for nearly 3 months and he responded, but I almost regretted the initial message, because I don't know if I wanted to talk to him, or just reach out to him to make sure he is alive and well.  I almost feel like at this point, just knowing he is ok, is enough for me.  Anyway, last night I felt like I had a lot to say to him, so I wrote him a letter.  Initially I thought about letting him know about it, but then I decided that I would just give it to you instead, my faithful journal.  I think sometimes it's good to express what you want to, but when you feel that it won't make a big difference, there is no point in sharing it with the individual.  So I basically wrote the letter below and saved it to put it on the world wide web and share it with whomever crosses this page and feels like reading it.  Because this is my journal. 

Dear AJ - 

You blamed me for ruining your relationships.  But what you should really blame is your feelings. Yourself for never allowing us to just be.  Giving your feelings an opportunity may have made us everything, or nothing at all.  But at the very least we would have had a chance.  Instead you let your judgements about our age difference dictate what could or couldn't happen.

When I met you, you convinced me to allow myself to see you romantically, I only did so because I thought you were a rebel, I thought you would fight for what you wanted and cared about.  After knowing you for three years I've learned that you are just scared.  You are the same scared man that I talked through  a rough night at a roommates apt. Who you thought was going to beat you up.  You said you hated the fact that you were always afraid, and with my love I gave you the opportunity to change fear into happiness, but you were to scared to be even that, happy.

I don't want anything at all from you anymore, not even your friendship would matter, because that was definitely not real.  It took me a long time and new friends to realize it, but now I do, I realize that everything was just ideas I made up in my mind.  The only thing I truly regret is that I believed you, I believed in your honesty and even your love.  That last night we shared, when sitting in your back porch you said that the reason why you had contacted me again was because you had realized that you were all I really had here in Colorado, and you did not want to leave me alone.  Those words were the most amazing words anyone has ever said to me, they meant a lot to me and I believed them, and if I would have had nothing else but your sincere genuine friendship and that alone, I would have been so happy, because you were all I really had here.  But not anymore, I now have true friendships, honest and caring friends mostly male, one who is even younger than you are.  So age really doesn't matter when friendship is concerned, so why did it matter so much to you? at this point it doesn't matter anymore, all I know is that your words were insincere, or maybe you meant them and that's what you really wanted, but again your fear took control.

Regardless of all that has transgressed, I will always be here if you ever need me, because I got one great thing from you that I will forever cherish and always be thankful for.  And that is this new wonderful life that I am living now.  You telling me to consider moving here and me doing it.  Everyone has a purpose in our lives, I hope the purpose of me in yours was to teach you lessons.

I sent you your movie.  We no longer have any ties.  I hope with all my love that you are truly happy.  Because love is not selfish, and because I love you, I have let you go.

Love Always
Your friend Jaz.


The last time I saw you and said I would always be here, I meant it.  My word is my bond......

Safe and sound:
By: Rebelution

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Thanksgiving 2014

Dear Journal:

As I lay on my bed writing this post I can't seem to help getting a little melancholic about so many painful Thanksgiving days in my past.  But there were also some amazing ones.  In 2005 on Thanksgiving day my ex husband arrived in America ready to start his new life in the land where dreams can become a reality, he was ready to start a new life with his wife and son.  I remember that I picked him up from the airport and we went straight to the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade, that was one of the few times I went to the parade, because as nice as that parade is, it's always so crowded and usually so cold, it isn't something I enjoyed doing much.  We had a few Thanksgivings together after that, but our marriage ended in 2007 and I have been having single Thanksgivings ever since.

I want to write about the bad things for some reason, or the sad things.  Maybe today will be the first day of my future always happy Thanksgivings and I have to write about the bad ones so that I can let them go.  I want to first write about the Thanksgiving in 2008 when I told he who must not be named on my blog anymore, that I was in love with him.  It was the day before Thanksgiving and he's response broke my heart.  Yes that was a really long time ago, but it still makes me sad that after that time, we were never ever friends again.  Yes, after that we exchanged a  few words, took some classes together and even shared one last good bye hug, yet every Thanksgiving after that I always recall that day before Thanksgiving when through an email I told him that I was in love with him and his response was that his feelings for me where only of friendship, except he wasn't such a good friend after all because soon after that I found out he had a girlfriend he had failed to mention to me for months.  I will never ever understand what that whole lying thing was about, but I do know in my heart that I made a huge difference in his life and that in his own way, he loved me back just as much as I loved him.   He is currently engaged and there is no part of me that regrets that pure love I felt in my heart for him.  I am also happy that I can write this without not one tear.  I do feel sad as I share this story, but not as sad as I felt on that Thanksgiving day when he sent me a text message the day after I had told him how I felt, to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving! how could it be happy, when I wasn't sharing that day with the person I loved.

In 2012, I really liked my neighbor back in Brooklyn.  That day I told him I was going to be making potato salad for my family gathering and he wished me luck because he knew I didn't like cooking much.  Later that morning, we bumped into each other right outside our building.  I remember being ever so grateful that I had just done my hair and that I looked all dolled up.  I could tell he was pleased with the sight before him.  The way we exchanged looks always felt deep.  That evening he sent me a message when he got back from his parents house inviting me over to his apartment for some left over desert he had brought back with him.  As badly as I wanted to go, I said no because I was already in my pajamas and I had to work the day after.  Til this day I regret that decision! I know that had I gone to his apartment that evening, we would have made love, or at the very least we would have made "like a lot" because by this point my feelings for him were so strong, that I wanted nothing more than to be with him.  But I said no, and that was the very last time I had the opportunity to be in his arms.  This morning when I woke up I thought about him and I missed him, as I am writing this paragraph tears are rolling down my cheek! I miss my neighbor.

Today is a day when you are thankful for so many things, and although I have sad memories about Thanksgiving past, I am still truly grateful for all the wonderful things that are going on in my life currently.  I have made so many wonderful new friends in my new home in Colorado, that today I am making my first full Thanksgiving dinner in more that 8 years I believe.  My second turkey ever in my life.  Why am I cooking? I am cooking because I have some really sweet friends coming over this afternoon to share with me my first Thanksgiving in Colorado.  My friend JC will be here along with his roommate and my other two male friends.  No I don't really have female friends, but that is ok. I am glad that I have nice people in my life that are truly special to me.  

I leave you journal with one last thing.  I am so truly thankful that three years ago I met a young man named AJ who invited me to move to Colorado.  The last time I saw him, he told me that he had asked me to move here for a reason, yet he wasn't sure what the reason was.  I know what the reason was, the reason was that he was leading me down a path of new and happy times in my life.  He was the angel sent to me from heaven to guide me to a new beginning.  Although he and I are no longer friends, I most grateful today for having met him, because without that piece of my life, there wouldn't be today, a new Happy Thanksgiving filled with love and good friendships.  I love my new home! I love Colorado! I love my new job! and I love that I can write this post and feel happy in my heart!