Saturday, August 9, 2014

No Poem for you!

Dear Journal -

Some years ago I created you because I always felt like I had a lot to say and I kept saying it to someone who didn't care to listen, his name..... blah blah blah, it isn't even worth mentioning the name anymore since he has long been gone from my life and only barely ever makes it into my thought process anymore.  This sure does make me happy, for I don't love him anymore not that he ever deserved this love of mine.  But from that experience as with most experiences in life, I learned a very valuable lesson, and that lesson was that if someone doesn't want to hear you, to pay attention to what you have to say, if they do not appreciate all that you are, then you should not say anymore, you should write the words down and hope that someone else is reading, that someone else wants to pay attention, that someone else is caring.  And so that is why I am back here talking to you again my lovely journal! because you are ever so faithful to me with your caring, with your listening, with your silence and yet I know that these words will be looked at by someone, somewhere and somehow they will understand me and understand that it is ok to not be loved by or cared about or thought of or missed by or anything by anyone as long as you have good people in your life you can always talk to or even an amazing journal where you can share your life and that is you!

Thank you for reading, I have been missing you so much and yes the thoughts are always there and the will is broken by my tiredness.  All I do is work lately and I am not complaining but I am really tired.  I do miss writing, so the other night I picked up my phone and wrote a simple poem to someone, someone who inspires me even though I have no reason anymore to be inspired by him.  Yet there they were, these simple words that I wanted to share with him and yet I couldn't, because it wouldn't mean to him, what the words meant to me.  In that moment after the very short but what I thought was a sweet poem was finished, I deleted immediately and thought of you and how much better it would be if I would just put those short words here, because at least here, whoever came to see what I had to say, would at the very minimum appreciate it and if they chose not to keep on reading then at least those words would be on the world wide web forever and they would mean something to the void.  So what were those words? I will put them at the end of this post.  But first let me tell you a few things that have been going on in my life.

A few weeks ago right after I wrote my last post, I got a text message from the last person I expected to receive a message from, I looked at my phone and had to do a double take because I had a message from AJ, I cried when I read what he had to say and I got myself together before I could respond, because at first I wasn't even sure if responding was a good idea.  But after about 20 minutes of feeling overwhelmed with joy and confusion, I wrote him back and just like that, he was back in my life and after we spoke and he invited me over his house, I ran there as if the most important thing in the world had happened and I had to run to his bed.  Yes, that is exactly where I ended up and I have to tell you journal, that on that day I made love for the very first time in about 7 years, what happened on that bed was not just sex, it was something deeper, it was greater it was paradise.   I left his house feeling shaken, I felt confused and scared and I was trembling the whole way home.  The worst part, is that I wasn't feeling that way because I had an orgasm or anything of the sort, I did not, what I felt was deeper, it had nothing to do with our bodies becoming one, it had nothing to do with the physical act that had just occurred, it was something else and I don't know how to explain it.  That night I barely slept, I kept twisting and turning and thinking of how deeply connected this human being and I were, how deeply spiritual what we have is and yet we both fight it, because he denies us what we can share.

The next day I got a message from him asking how I was doing and I felt like he was at the starting line and like the gun fired but he refused to run with it, instead he stood at the starting line and stared and held back, because he is still not sure what to do with me, how to deal with me, where to place me in his life.  And yes, ever since that day there has been small talk here and there, but it is the type of talk that you have because you want to make sure everything is cool, you want to make sure that it is ok, but you don't want to say too much because then everything will get messed up, so you just hold your tongue and wait.  I don't know what to do anymore, so I just gave up and just live.  What else can I possibly do? everything I have ever had to say I have said it, everything I have needed from him I have asked for it and I don't know what else is left to do.  So last night when I picked up my phone and wrote this short little tiny poem, I deleted right after, because I felt that he did not deserve my love.

So, without further a do, below are the sweet words that were meant for him, but instead I share with you........

three, the number of weeks since I last saw your lovely face
three, the number of weeks since I felt your warm embrace
three, the number of weeks since I had you near me
three, the number of weeks since I felt so complete
and if three turns into thirteen or thirty five or three hundred I will not care, for I had you and we became one soul and that moment forever I will hold, because in your arms I became a woman and your touch made me feel like no others.  So here I am waiting to hold you again and three weeks have passed and three weeks are gone but the touch of your hands in my memory forever, the tender kisses the deep breaths, the passion, the magic the paradise the moment, the love.

Sunday, July 20, 2014


Dear Journal -

I know that I have been totally and completely neglecting you, but it isn't really my fault.  My life is so totally busy that I barely have time for myself, there has been one event after another and I'm just exhausted at this point.  I have been meaning to write to you since I visited New York about a month ago.  That was the first time since I moved to Colorado, that I had been back and I have to tell you that I was not exactly happy to be there.  The whole time I was there I was running around doing something that wasn't fun, like taking boxes to my storage unit preparing it so the remainder of my possessions could be brought to me.  Can I just say journal that I absolutely love Colorado and that I have never felt so totally and completely satisfied where I live! I mean how can I not be happy with all the blessings that have come my way since I have been here.  Every single day I think of AJ remember him? and miss him so much it hurts, like literally one day I was missing him so much I felt physical pain, I did honestly, I felt pain in my bones and I cried and cried until I felt better (this was about a month and a half ago) I miss him mostly because if it had not been for him, I wouldn't have known about this amazing city I now call home and not being able to share all this joy with him really saddens me, but I know that it is best that I stay away from him as he brings more sadness than joy to my life, I mean he just doesn't know how to be my friend and truth be told I don't know how to be his friend either, because it is difficult when there are so many feelings involved and even when I try just to be a platonic no strings attached friend, he always thinks that I am trying to get something from him that he doesn't want to give me and then it just gets crazy.  So, as much as I miss him with all of my heart and soul and being, I have to be strong and let him be.

Speaking of letting people be, there is also someone else that I had an encounter with when I was in New York that I quite honestly was not expecting, and it is partly or well it is completely my fault actually, because I went looking for him, and maybe that was a bad idea.  This encounter was with my old neighbor, remember him? well, the last time I saw him was a year ago when I helped him move some of the stuff from his apartment and clean it out when he was moving.  That night we said goodbye and in my mind I thought that I would probably talk to him randomly here and there, since he had moved and I was moving to another state.  I thought that we would be like those people that talk once in a blue moon to catch up.  To my surprise, he stopped completely talking to me, and although I still don't completely understand why, I think now I finally know.  Actually, maybe I still don't, but at this point it no longer matters.

During my time in New York, there was only one person I really wanted to see and talk to, and that person was him.  I know that he Dj's at this lounge in NYC so I decided even before I left to NY that I would go by and see him and say hello and catch up.  WELL! I get there and I'm supposed to meet a friend (who never ends up showing up) so I bet he (the ex neighbor) probably thought I was lying.  But anyway I get to the bar and I have to admit I was a bit nervous, but very excited that I was going to get to see my old friend that had stopped talking to me for who knows why, and I go in and there he is looking as handsome as always! in that moment I knew that I would always and forever be completely attracted to that man, and that he is probably one of the only men since I have been single, that I could have seen my whole future with, he and I although so controversial, we had so much in common, so much.  And yes we probably wouldn't have had a perfect relationship, but if he would of given me half an opportunity, I am certain that he would have not regretted the experience.  Instead our whole friendship was controversial and crazy and to a certain extent mean and cruel!

He greeted me respectfully as he always has been and asked me if I had just got into town, and I told him that I had and that I had to see him because I have missed him and why wasn't he talking to me? and of course he avoided that question but what happened next is what really took me by surprise! he began to apologize to me for everything that he ever did to mislead me or to make me think I don't know what and he said he was sorry over and over again and then he played two of the songs I dedicated to him which felt weird to me that he did that, but it also meant a great deal to me because it meant that they made him think.  After being there maybe like half an hour feeling really awkward and out of place, I decided to just leave.  I told him I was going to go and he apologized again and I told him I was sorry also, for anything that I had ever said to cause him to feel as he said "like a bad person" which just to be clear, I NEVER thought he was a bad person, I honestly don't think I would ever say that about anybody.  One thing is writing things about someone that hurt me or that made me feel bad and I am expressing my discontent with the situation and another thing is calling someone a "bad person" but at that point nothing I would say would change the fact that he made up his mind that I was not someone he wanted to have any sort of communication with.  So we said goodbye and I walked away feeling really really lousy! and when I walked outside, I WAS THAT GIRL! the one that is walking down the streets of New York City crying not caring that there are people looking at her.  I cried for like 5 blocks until I got to my car and then I called my friend and started crying to him telling him what had just happened! I cried in my dads car (he let me borrow it while I was in NY) for what seemed like hours, and when I say I cried, I mean I CRIED! like sobbing! I felt so completely sad! because I thought we were going to see each other and feel really happy and give each other a big hug, maybe have a drink or two, catch up on what's going on in life, I don't know just enjoy the moment, and instead I got apologies and things that I did not want to think or talk about, the past is back there, I'm here now in this moment.

So, this is what I get for trying to be ok with people that probably dislike me because I talk to much, I say or write things that hurt them, I express myself freely not considering other peoples feelings, I am probably the bad person and I am truly sorry!

It is important to note that before I left I said to him that I hope we could talk again sometime, and he said that he did not promise me anything because the damage was done! damage? I wish someone would explain to me what damage he is referring to? since we never had a romantic relationship.  I don't understand and at this point it doesn't really matter.  I will never forget my friend though and I will always remember him fondly!

Wilferm..... All I wanted that night, was to ROCK WITH YOU!

Good night journal!

I leave you with... Rock with you By: Michael Jackson.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

A little Philosophy for the night.......

Dear Journal -

Although I have a bunch of things I want to write to you about, I am so tired I don't have the energy to do so right now.

So, for now I will leave you with this bit of philosophy........

"When I asked God for strength
He gave me difficult situations to face.
When I asked God for brain and brawn
He gave me puzzles in life to solve.
When I asked God for happiness
He showed me some unhappy people.
When I asked God for wealth
He showed me how to work hard.
When I asked God for favors
He showed me opportunities to work hard.
When I asked God for peace
He showed me how to help others.
God gave me nothing I wanted
He gave me everything I needed."

Swami Vivekananda
(1863 - 1902)
Indian Philosopher

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Cruel Summer.....

Dear Journal -

I know that I don't write you nearly as much as I should, especially because I have so much time on my hands lately and it feels awesome! I have been doing a lot of hiking, I really love my new environment and hope to continue to discover it.  All those who surround me make me feel special and really happy.  I have been talking to someone lately that I am very attracted to, he is pretty cool but I am taking things really slow and with caution, I do like the attention though, it feels nice.  I met him about a month ago but we didn't really start talking the way we have been about a week ago I guess, although it feels longer even though we do know each other longer.  Nothing has really happened between us but we both have expressed mutual interest and we talk, he's really really handsome, I'm in lust!

Other than that, today I got a call from my friend Nacho, remember him? he and I have not been able to talk for over a year.  He called me and told me that I had forgotten all about him, but I really haven't.  Yes I don't think about him on a daily basis like I once did, but ever so often I will call his mom and find out how he is doing.  When we spoke I got a little chocked up, I know for sure that if there is one man in this world that loves me unconditionally and would probably do anything for me if he could, it would probably be him.  I was really happy to hear his voice.

I am really sleepy right now journal, but I had to go on these pages of you my sweet journal and share with you that life is pretty awesome right now! by the way, the other day I was in Denver, CO which is about a 45 minute drive from where I live, and for some reason I thought about Benjamin Nunez, the one person I have written most about since I started this journal.  Anyway, I had the urge to call him and to my surprise, his number was disconnected.  When I hung up, I was in tears for a few minutes, I felt so sad that the one thing that kept me connected to him in some way, was the fact that I still had his personal phone number, and now I no longer have it.  No we haven't spoken for about three years now, but I always thought that one day we would talk again, and yes I still can send him a message on a social network site (which he probably won't respond) but it isn't the same thing, I had his personal phone number and now I have nothing, no link to the one man I have probably loved most in my whole life.  It was a sad moment, but I cried I took a deep breath, I experienced that feeling and then I let it go and went on my way doing what I do now, enjoying happiness.

Journal, I have to leave you with this song, because I heard it the other day and I truly love reminds me of a girl that I once knew..... ME.... I probably already have it posted on this blog, but I don't care, I'll post it again.

Cruel Summer 
By: Bananarama

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Set You Free

Poem: Set You Free
By: Jazzy
Written: 6-4-2014

I love you, so I will set you free, but I want you to know, that you will always have a little piece of me.  

I'll miss you, when the sun sets over the mountains, and wish you, that all around you there is calmness.  

To love you, was all I ever wanted, but I will set you free, for you will never have to hear from me.  

I'll let you go now, but know that of my heart, you'll always have a hold.  Farewell my darling, may your days be filled with love and your nights be filled with gladness...

Picture - Jazzy
Taken with Iphone on my hike of June 4th 2014 Horsetooth Reservoir, CO

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

IT'S TOO LATE.........

Dear Journal -

Life feels good, I am pretty happy with it lately.  I have gained like 15 pounds I think and I'm a little down about that because I feel so heavy in my skin, but I know that if I work really hard I can loose it.  I can't really run anymore because my achilles tendon hurts every time I try, and I have been working so much I'm always tired, but life all in all is really good!

I miss my friend AJ very much, but I know that I must move on from him even though it hurts me.  Other than that, I don't have much more to tell you.  I feel sad that I don't write to you as much as I once did, but my priorities have changed and writing isn't one of them, I do write for my new job though, and that makes me happy! I promise at some point I will try to write more often......

I'm tired.  Good night Journal.

I leave you with:

Carol King
It's too late....

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Dear Journal....... May 20, 2014

Last night I watched the season finally of the Vampire Diaries (which I love) and at the end of the episode I cried like a baby! at first I was crying because the way the main character was crying for the man she loved felt so real, that I was deeply touched.  Soon after though, the more I cried, the more I realized I wasn't crying over the episode anymore, all of a sudden my tears had turned into tears of sadness for my own reasons.  At first I began to think about AJ and how much I miss talking to him, I miss my friend! I hate that we always fight for the stupidest things that make no sense, yet make so much sense at the same time.  Clearly the feelings we share for one another are very deep, yet he made a decision about me which was not to allow me in his life in a certain capacity, and that decision makes it difficult for him to be my friend.  Yes I know that this fight I was the one that told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore, but I only did that because I was so angry at him, at the things that he does, anyway, I cried last night because I missed him so much and everyday that passes, it's a little bit harder. 

AJ by the way journal, was never my boyfriend, AJ has always been my friend, buy we have had so many crazy fights, you would think we have been a couple for over two years, which is how long we have known each other.  Anyway, the person that I was dating, I broke up with him a few weeks ago also, I have to admit that being single feels good to me, I don't know, I have just gotten so set on my ways and so used to being with myself, that I feel disconnected almost from that life, the life of a pair.  I am happy however that at least I gave it a try and at least I gave it a try with someone super super nice, super special.  I felt really bad to have to break things off with him, but there were just to many factors involved that I don't really want to get into.  I still speak to him and think he is a great person, but I don't see him, I think it's better to keep my distance for a bit. 

Journal I also miss my oldest son so desperately! I have not spoken to him in over a week and that is the longest time I have not communicated with him.  He is now an army soldier, started boot camp last week, I miss my boy! I am so proud of my child! it feels so weird that he is no longer a child and that I can't take care of him, he is a young man, preparing himself to defend our country! I'm honored to call him my son!

I have so much more I want to write but I am so tired! I have been working two jobs to make some extra cash.  I love my new job though and soon I will be quitting my second job which is a lot of fun.  I love Colorado! I wish I would have moved here sooner!

Good night journal!