Monday, August 7, 2017

Does love conquer all?

Dear Journal -  
 
It's been such a long time since I've written you, doing so feels foreign and weird and I'm sorry for that!  I didn't forget you though, I just didn't feel like I had anything worth writing and if I did, it was stuff that I didn't know how to express, I know that all of that is just excuses but I have felt like I have so much going on, that it's hard sometimes to make time for you.  Right now however, I feel like I have a lot to say or at least to work through and when I feel that way I come to you Journal, because I feel like coming to you is sort of therapeutic and helps me feel better.  

So where do I start? I guess I can start by saying that I do not know how to be in a relationship, I don't know how to be one of two people.  Life is so full of surprises, and it's ridiculous to believe that when you enter into something special like a relationship, that everything will be perfect, or that the person you are with is perfect and won't ever do things that you aren't happy with, so that's why I'm here journal, I'm here because something that was done to me within my relationship was not very nice, it was something that's forgivable, but hard to forget easily.  

When things like that happen, it's hard because one side of you is always saying to you, why do you need this person? Why can't you just let this person go? Why do you even bother? What more is there to say or talk about? How many questions can you ask to get the closure you need? And no matter how much logic you put into all these questions, and no matter how much you think that all those questions are valid, there is still that ONE thing that overpowers it all, that thing called LOVE and when that feeling takes control, all of a sudden nor logic nor reality nor anything matters, because that one thing has control of it all and that's why I always wonder, does love conquer all?

Now I'm not on here journal asking you to answer this question for me, like unless by some miracle someone came on this lovely journal entry that is my life and wrote a comment and told me exactly what to do and guaranteed to me that it wouldn't be painful, then maybe that would be a good solution, but in reality, the only solution is to wait it out and hope that the feelings get better.  What feelings you ask? The hurt, the anger, the feeling of vengefulness, the feelings of hate, the feelings of mistrust, the feelings of confusion.  

So what do I do when all these things are going on inside me journal, what do I do? I think to myself, what is the most loving thing that I can do for myself and this other person to make all this better? What do I do to be a good human to myself first and then the other person, how do I know that this too shall pass? So I just wait, I wait because I know that something will give, the universe is kind and loving and when you ask something from it, if you have patience, you get it.  So that's what I will do, I will wait and be patient and hope that sooner rather than later, my answer will be clear and I will no longer be scared and all will be well in my world again.  For now, the important thing to remember is that no one hurts you on purpose, most times it's accidental or without bad intention, and if it is, then that human is not a nice human, but I like to think that if I fell in love with someone, I did so because I saw loving things and therefore what was done was not done to make me feel the way I do now.  So I shall wait, because one day and hopefully soon, this too shall pass and

Thursday, February 16, 2017

I feel it coming

Wow! so long since I've last wrote you journal! and while I can't write much right now because I'm at a loss for words (shocker) I can tell you one thing, I'm feeling emotionally overwhelmed! meanwhile, the topic for my group today (I run a woman's group once a week) is on emotional intelligence.  I need to work on my emotions journal, because lately I'm feeling like I'm almost allowing things outside of myself run them, and I'm too smart for that, I need to take control of them and make them mine, control my own.  I miss you journal, I have thought about you quite often and I have to say that it pleases me that you are still ever so faithful just here waiting for me to say something again.  What would I do without this piece of me that I have neglected? It's just that I'm in a serious relationship and sometimes it makes it difficult to write because I am after all always writing about my personal life, except my life isn't my own anymore, I'm sharing it with someone and therefore I have to be mindful of what I will say so as to not offend or reveal too much. 

I leave you with a song, for some reason this song makes me sad, and I haven't even paid attention to the lyrics, just the beat makes me very melancholic..... I don't know why.

Name: I feel it coming
By: The weekend



 

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Mirrors

Dear Journal - 

I wrote this post yesterday evening at almost 11p.m. sitting on my balcony getting some amazing fresh air! I wrote it on my phone and only now am I having a chance to post it.  Today is Friday the 13th! YIKES!


How are thou? I always say this and it's true, I often think of you, but I can't get myself to put the words in here anymore, it's almost as if I left you behind in NYC with all my pain that there remains.  Sometimes I wonder if this is my place of solace, a place where I came to leave it all behind, my past my hurt my old self.  The mountains console me, I never feel down anymore, and while I miss my beautiful sky line, I no longer feel the yearn of being there again.  I am content, though I might be alone without a person to love in a romantic way, I have so much love from so many great new friends that I don't miss it, I don't feel the need for it, yet sometimes I fear to end up alone, if that is even possible.  

I have forgotten what a romantic connection feels like, yet I remember what it meant to me once upon a time.  I can honestly say that in CO there is only but one person that brings me only a bit of comfort to knowing that with him although I don't feel it still, I know we had one a long time ago.  AJ! he is almost the reason why I ended up here, I grabbed on to him for a reason, and though I still don't know what that reason is, I believe it was part of the journey that I had to go on.   I had not seen AJ in a year maybe more, and the other day we had coffee, and for the first time since I've known him, I felt that we were finally in a good place, yet seeing him reminded me of what I felt when I did have connections, but I know in my heart that our connection can only stay as friendship, but I'm finally truly ok with that.  

Today however something strange happened, I went to a training for work, and I met a man who I instantly felt attracted too, of course just my luck he is marred and journal you know how much I respect another woman's man, but still I could tell the feeling was mutual, and while there was no flirting, something told me that he felt it also, and it reminded me of a book I read that talks about soul mates, how we can have so many in this world, but once you pick one and
they pick you, you must always stay true to that one person, clearly he is with his choice, yet for me, feeling attracted to someone made me feel happy, it reminded me that I can still be one day maybe in love to someone I find that connection with, so I am alive! I am here! and I'm not a robot!

The crazy thing about this whole story of today is that earlier on my way to the training, a song came on my playlist, that briefly took me back home to Brooklyn! and for a few brief moments I thought about him, the man in B5 and I wondered how he was doing, and sent him mental well wishes, and missed him dearly! I also fantasized how happy we would have been if he would of given me a chance, and how connected I had felt to him, and how not often in life those connections cross your path, and how I could not talk to him because it was best, and how I would of stayed in Brooklyn just for him, just to give that whole situation a chance and how I am certain that if it would not have worked out, I would have been ok with it, because CO would still be here for me to come too, if that is what I would of chosen to do had it not worked out between us, and how I would have never regretted it or looked back and then I imagined how much he would like Colorado if he was adventurous like me.  

So tonight as I sit here thinking about all of this, it was so easy to make the words flow onto you, because still he inspires me, and still when I think of him it's easy to write, yet he once told me to find someone else to inspire me and how it's been nearly 4 years since I last saw him and still the thought of him helps me pour my thoughts into this my journal.  

I wish he would have believed in himself the way I did, I wish he could have seen what I did.  And so often I also think of Benjamin Nunez, the man who's name is all over this blog if you do a search, but when I compare the two although I never fell deeply in love with the man from B5, or Wilferm (as he told me to name him on this blog) the way I loved Benjamin, I know the man in B5 would of become one of my great loves, because the connection I felt to him was out of this world, it was a spiritual one that I know even he felt, or maybe that whole story was all in my creative mind, and maybe it was just meant to be written.

Still, I am glad that today I went down memory lane, that today I was able to put my thoughts and feelings onto you my journal, for it has been to long my lovely! and while I don't know  when the words will flow again, I can assure you that once again soon they will! because there is much more to live and write.

Good night.

I leave you with the song that made me go down memory lane..........
Mirrors 
By: Justin Timberlake



Sunday, March 6, 2016

Inspiration

Dear Journal -

How are thou? I've missed you so, and thought of you often! Life has been busy I'm usually to lazy to write, which is horrible.  How can I be lazy to write? I'm just always exhausted after work, because all the my job is not labor intense, it's mentally and emotionally draining.  There are days that I get home and don't want to talk, or listen or read or watch or anything, I just want to be.  

It's really hard to describe what I go through on a daily basis, because it's a different story every day, and I listen to my clients intently and get lost in their world, and try to give them some sort of reason to make them feel a bit better.  Some stories remind me of a life I could of had, and I wonder how I made it out and survived, and made it where I am now, in this place that feel ok.  Sometimes I wonder if I even feel remorse anymore, am I sensitive to others, or have I become cold to people and their stories?

I have decided that I do not want to go back to school to get a masters degree in social work like I thought I wanted to, I just don't want to help anymore than I already can, I don't think I have the patience to do anymore that I have.  I am happy where I am now and I don't want to give more.

I have lost my inspiration to write journal, I have lost the will to say anything because I feel that I say so much everyday that when I get home, I don't want to say anymore.  Somedays are easier than others, and I am surrounded by awesome people and that makes it a little easier, but still I wonder, am I in the right place? is this good for me? or am I just settling? all in all though I feel a sense of pride and joy for what I do each and every day, I feel content in my life at the moment, and that is always a good thing.

I am writing tonight because I was reading some poetry and all of a sudden, I felt inspired, inspired by the thought of someone I miss so much, when someone tells me that my friend can't talk to me because someone is making it difficult for him to do so, I feel so angry at myself because I made some choices that sort of led to that happening.  I don't want to get into this huge thing where I will tell you the whole story journal, but the fact that this person makes me feel inspired, is an awesome thing! I need some inspiration in my life, I need that thing that makes me want to write, thinking of my friend made me feel that way, I can't wait until one day he can read this post.

I am tired journal, I will go now, but I'll leave you with my little poem! I guess I can call it, I still wait....


I still wait
By: Jazzy

And so I waited, and days went, and days came and years passed and there I stayed, waiting for your love, your touch, your kiss.  And still I wait, for nights to pass and then at last I'll see you again, because at last the wait will end and there you'll be, in front of me and we will share a tendeer moment a moment at last because I waited, waited for you.

Painting by: George Seurat



Sunday, January 3, 2016

How about a round of applause?

Dear Journal -

You would think that at my age I've seen it all! but no, there are still things that awe me! like, for instance, someone you know in their mid 60's still doing things like cheating! and no, nobody cheated on me, I am a single woman, yes AGAIN! I feel ok about it, cause it's better to be alone than with someone you aren't feeling compatible with.  I just have one thing to say about my last short lived relationship.  It wasn't great, it wasn't awful, it was just not right for me.  I was very smitten at first and very happy, but soon I was also very consumed and very sucked in.  I don't need to hear how great I am constantly, or how beautiful I am to someone.  I just need to feel that I am in the same place with that person.  Like are we both getting the same thing out of this or are you consumed in me? do you love yourself before you can love me? I think at this point in my life that is the most important question I can ask.  I don't even think I need love that way anymore to be honest.  I'm numb to most human emotion.  By that I mean that I've heard some stories that have completely broken me.  The women I help each and everyday at work have a sad story that breaks my heart, or does it? can I actually relate cause I've been there but not really? I don't want to get into this topic.  I just feel that I am better off alone right now and that the person I decided not to be with anymore, isn't a bad person, or a mean person, just not the right person for me.

This blog post is about another couple that is very close to me and I see all this domestic violence in and I don't know how to help.  This couple is like 20 years older than I am so in there 50's and 60's and still going through it.  So it makes me think, when does the misery end? when in life do you finally feel satisfied? are we in an ever ending battle of misery til death? what do we as humans need for happiness? I mean some days I am in complete happiness, I am totally satisfied! then others I feel like I need to be doing something more, something greater! Maslows Hierarchy of needs in full affect! like when is it enough? these two people have it all to the normal people.  They have a beautiful big house, money, all their necessities met, nice car, family, goods needed for survival and then some and most of all, health! and yet, they aren't happy! then what gives? what is wrong with this world? why are we always seeking more? what is it about what we have right now that isn't enough? it's pretty sick! I can't even begin to wrap my head around this! am I going to continue to live this life and still want more? why can't I be happy with what I have now? what is it about now that doesn't fulfill me? why do I need more?

I am writing this post while drinking some wine! i'm sitting on my bed and pondering on life and wondering why life is so miserable and why I don't believe in god anymore and why I think it's a big fraud to think that some higher being runs my mother fucking life and supposedly runs me and is doing it to show me some purpose? FUCK all of that! I challenge that thought and all the ignorance that thought holds! I can't even stand the fact that people say that sometimes! like yea OK! you go ahead and believe that some higher being is making you go through this for a reason! NO! you mentally do this to YOU! only YOU have power over that! so yeah, this post is ranting and raving but FUCK all the thoughts of happiness! I AM happy! cause I run MY life! and this year is my chance to write my own story yet again! as they say in the internet, 365 pages full of awesomeness! and I WILL make it awesome cause I evolved from something and I will live my life to the fullest one day at a time till the day I evolve into something else like my owners cat! HA!




Thursday, December 24, 2015

Someone Like You

Dear Journal -

I haven't written you in quite sometime, mainly because I am really busy with life and responsibilities and just always feeling like I don't have enough hours in my day to write about my life.  I've been mainly thinking about work, even when I'm home because I have a new job that I really love and feel so passionate about making a positive difference in.  Whenever I'm home, I'm busy with my kids and spending time with my boyfriend and then next thing you know it's time for bed and I'm too tired to write.  I write at work a whole lot though, which I really enjoy.  I picked up my laptop today to pay some bills and after I paid them I decided to come to this my favorite personal place, to look at you.  Suddenly, I remembered that I first wrote on here this my safe place, sometime around this time 5 years ago! and when I looked to see exactly what day was my very first post, it was yesterday my 5 year anniversary of having you! WOW! and while I don't write to you anywhere as near as I once did, I do want to tell you my sweet journal that I do often think of you and miss sharing so many things that often happen in my life.  5 years! wow, I still can't believe it.  I remember when you were but a simple thought in my mind, you were just a scary idea and then one day I got the nerve to start and once I did, it was so easy to just do it, just share, share my life with you!

So much has changed in my life in these 5 years journal, so many changes but all of them so great! a new home, in a new state, a new job, and most recently a new boyfriend.  I can't even begin to tell you how lucky I am with this new man in my life.  He is so wonderful, it seems as though his main goal in life is making me happy, doing whatever it takes to show me how much I mean to him and how special I am.  The other day I got a dozen roses just cause! he just wants to be with me because he says and I quote "you are worth it" WOW! like when I first started writing this blog I was heart broken, I was torn and I had no idea what I wanted or how I wanted to accomplish it, and now, my life just happy.  Everyday I go to a job that I truly love, I wake up somedays next to a man I genuinely care about, I drive around in a city where I feel completely happy in, and I am surrounded by wonderful people! I don't have much more to write because I don't want to seem like I am bragging, but I am not journal, I'm being sincere!

So, I don't want to go on and on because I am really tired and I have to get to bed.  But I am glad I picked up my laptop to pay my bills and decided to check in with you, because now I have one more thing to be happy about and that is that I have had you now for five years! five! five years sharing my life with you.  I will share more soon journal I promise, for now, I hope that anyone who comes to this my safe space to read what I have to say, has an amazing holiday season and a splendid new year!

smooches!


Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Why you got to be so mean?

Dear journal -

My weekend started out really good! for starters, well I don't really know where to start so let me start from the beginning and try to do it as quickly as possible! So a little over a month ago, I didn't only meet one guy the one I wrote about in a previous post titled the one that could, around the same time I had met someone else.  This second person I barely saw but we talked a lot, but most of the time all he managed to do was piss me off really really bad! mainly, because he was being a little intense and also not true to his word.  Long story short, for the month we started to get to know each other, we mainly argued, it was sort of frustrating and very annoying!  Anyway, about a week back I had a conversation with my I guess for a lack of better term, friend with benefits who I didn't barely talk to, but was being intimate with, with him though it was all a very physical thing but I was starting to get very confused about everything, then I finally decided that I was just going to be done with everyone and just sort of chill out for a while and do my freedom thing that I'm so good at!

So, I first told my quote on quote "friend" how I was feeling and where I was with what he and I had going on, and I was pretty much told that I didn't have a chance in hell with him, which I had never really thought about it past what we were already doing, bt then after leaving his apartment that night I thought to myself....OUCH! well I'm glad I'm at least good for ONE thing in this world! I think a day later or so, I hear from the second person, the one I was not even thinking about talking to again, the one I only argued with.  He all of a sudden, re appeared after like almost a week, and although I had been thinking about him, I was just so done with people, I was sort of bitchy to him because all he had managed to do up until that point was piss me off!

So, bachelor #2 sends me a message and promises he was going to stop doing what he was doing, give him one last chance, yada yada, so I said OK! one last but I swear!!! so that's how this story sort of starts! so I told him he could sleep over my apt. and the minute he gets to my place my daughter has all these questions.  Who is he? and why is he here? and is he going to sleep with you? and so I tell her he is my friend yes he is sleeping over and that night we hung out, watched some television and then we all went to sleep.  Sleeping with him felt very comfortable, after all the fighting we had done this last past month, being with him felt natural, I literally knocked out cold and it felt so nice to have someone to cuddle with! I kept thinking to myself, now see, I can totally get used to this! Honestly speaking I have only brought two maybe three men around my kids since I have been single and I have been single for 8 years now.  I mean yes I had a boyfriend last year, but before him, It was 7 years that my kids only ever met people as my friends.  Saturday we had breakfast and spent the whole day together! my favorite part was all the kissing we snuck in while my daughter wasn't paying attention! yum! KISSING! my favorite!

Fast forward to that evening, I get dressed up as a zombie bride, I'm having a blast, we are out I start having vodka/soda and the next thing I know, I'm pretty much hammered! so, now I'm hammered and I bump into bachelor #1 my for a lack of better term "ex" FWB stupid term right? but yeah, I bump into him, and I had somehow lost bachelor #2 because he had left to do something somewhere! anyway, at this point, I'm drunk and just having fun! so "ex" FWB is dancing, I start dancing close to him, he turns around and says to me.... "I don't really want to dance with anyone!" which I'm pretty sure he really meant, I don't want to dance with you! BASTARD! I was sooooo pissed off when he did that, like dude..... FUCK YOU! it isn't that serious! but now, the logical Jaz, the one that probably wouldn't have even talked to "ex" FWB if I had been sober, turns into the raging, angry, Brooklyn bitch that won't allow some guy to diss her! so now I see him leave and I'm like, I'm going also! I already knew where he was going, since there is literally like 2 bars everyone sort of goes too! so now I'm at that bar, one of his friends shares with me that he and I used to talk on a dating site called Tagged when I still lived in NYC, so now I'm really drunk and confused thinking, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE??? WHAT THE FUCK! how do these random things happen to me? like what are the chances in hell that someone I used to talk to almost 3 years ago maybe even more, one, remembers me and two, turns out to be friends with my "ex" FWB!!!! that shit blew me away! and that is the last I remember of the night until two days later when the dreaded story comes to me from the lips of my cousin! so here goes the story.... BRACE YOURSELF JOURNAL! THIS SHIT GETS UGLY!

Next day I wake up, I have a ton of messages from bachelor #2 who had gone missing, except he didn't really go missing, he was looking for me but I was so busy trying to restore my ego, that I had forgotten about him.  I have a bruise on my face and a swollen eye, and my cousin isn't speaking to me! FUCK MY LIFE! I was so scared to ask what I had done! but I waited a day and asked my cousin and he told me I was a hot mess but also told me that this really really hot tall guy that I was talking to at some point of the night had said to him that I was really beautiful! and I was dressed as a ZOMBIE! so you know I was flattered to hear that! but then he also starts telling me about all the ridiculous shit I did and I was truly mortified, because I know better than to act that way.  So, I send "ex" FWB a message to apologize and then when he finally responds which I honestly wasn't even expecting a response, I get back an almost mean response like..... yeah, your behavior was inappropriate I didn't like how you acted and I don't want to talk about it so have a good day.  OH MY GOD! I was FUMING when I read that message! REALLY ASSHOLE? like I'm so sorry for not making a responsible decision and drinking more than I could handle and I already said I messed up so thank you for re-iterating the obvious! at least I was apologizing, I could of just forgotten about it, but instead I did the adult thing and owned my actions.  So yeah, thanks so much FOR BEING MEAN! 

Journal, I don't get it, like why are men so mean sometimes? like all I ever was with this character was legit and honest! I was friendly to him, I gave him my body! like I wrote something nice about him on my journal! I gave him respect and space! and I make one mistake and all of a sudden I'm this bad person, the stalker? this ALWAYS happens to me for being nice and being honest and being legit! but once again journal, this will not make me change! this was probably pay back for things I have done to people that I am not proud of.  This was karma at it's finest! just comes to show that karma is true! that what you do to others comes back around!

Anyway, I know that this post is a little bit much and there is A LOT of negative anger on here, but anger is just a reaction to hurt so ultimately, I felt really hurt by this person, this person who I had really fond feelings for, this person who I had a really good impression of, this person who for a little over a month, I shared a lot of intimate moments with, who I laughed with, who I shared some conversations with, who I legitimately thought was really cool! but, he is probably going through his own life drama and so I will find it in me to not judge to harsh, to get over this little incident and to always try to remember him fondly, because I only want good feelings in my heart! I will not let situations dirty my soul with anger and or hate or grudges.  It was a day, a mistake a moment in time that has now passed!

I will end this post on a positive note.  What I didn't tell you, is that when bachelor #2 came back to my apt. after I realized all the calls I had received from him.  I told him EVERYTHING! I told him about my "FWB" what had happened the night before, how I felt about the FWB and about him, how I had acted like a fool, I just opened up! and doing that made us closer! he held me and told me he wasn't mad and he was sorry he had left me, he kissed me and thanked me for being honest and then we proceeded to decide that we were going to give this thing a chance! this long month back and forth fighting thing must mean something! and so when my daughter asked us later that day if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, he looked at me and told her to ask me, I looked at him with a smile and said, yeah.... I guess he can be my boyfriend! and that's how due to a drunk crazy night, I ended up with my new boyfriend! BACHELOR #2 turned out to be my number 1 man! so you see journal, sometimes crazy nights end up in a positive note!  I gotta go now, my number one is texting me! yay! my new man!