Tuesday, April 22, 2014

My boyfriend trusts me!

"To let go of someone you love, does not mean you stop loving them, it simply means setting them free, so they can fly" ~ Jazzy
 
 
Dear journal ~
 
Today I went to get a burger because I have not eaten a burger in a really long time and decided that although my diet is mostly vegetarian, if I ever get the urge to eat some meat or chicken, I will, without feeling guilty.  Anyway, I went to a place at 11:00 a.m. because I thought today was the buy one burger get the other for a penny, and I had read the sign wrong and the deal is actually on Friday nights! DARN! we decided we would wait until Friday and on the way out of the restaurant/bar, he said to me that we needed to get some food in me soon because I was really cranky! I guess he is really getting to know me! he, or the person I am referring to, is my boyfriend! YES! I have a boyfriend and for purposes of my blog, I will call him.....DJ BASS!
 
I have known him for two months now, and while I can sit here and go on and on about him, I have decided to wait it out a bit before I start ranting and raving about my cool man! he is indeed one cool guy! and there is nothing he will not do to make me happy! I don't even know how to act sometimes because he spoils me! I am finally being treated the way I deserve and I won't complain about it! my guy is sweet, loving, generous, kind, funny, silly and simple! oh and TOTALLY BRAINY! I watch him do all sorts of stuff and can't help to feel amazed at all the things he can do! it's pretty darn cool!
 
So, after he and I walked out of the burger joint, we went and got some food at the supermarket and had a picnic! I am always with him, it's strange that I don't get tired of it, but I really don't, it feels comfortable and like I'm doing the right thing.  This relationship is not one of those relationships where I can say that I am head over heels, but more like a relationship that is starting slow, one that we are just so cool with each other and can talk about anything.  I always feel like I'm hanging out with my new friend who I get to tell all my stuff too and as an added bonus I can kiss whenever I feel like it! that's the best part about it, I get as many kisses as I feel like it! and let me tell you journal, I am fully taking advantage of the situation! I am kissing as if I was a HS girl who only sees her boyfriend during school hours! woooo hoooo!!! kisses kisses, LOTS OF THEM!
 
I met him a week after I arrived in Colorado at a warehouse rave, basically it was a house music party at a warehouse in Denver.  I had bought tickets for the event before I even arrived in Colorado.  I saw him and noticed he was looking at me, and thought he was handsome but kept on enjoying the music not really paying him any mind.  A few hours later, I had walked away from where I first saw him and ended up standing right near him without realizing it, when I noticed him, we looked at one another and smiled, but at that moment I felt like I had to go to the bathroom so I began to walk away from him, as I started to walk away and he realized that I was leaving, he ran after me, like literally ran a little so he could grab my arm and introduce himself to me, I shook his hand and told him that I was on my way to the bathroom and would be back (we always laugh at the fact that he ran after me! awe!).
 
When I returned from the rest room, he asked me if I knew of a town named Fort Collins, turns out that is the town he lived in and what do you know..... so do I! we later also found out that he knew all of the people I was with, so he was a friend of my new friends here in Colorado which was pretty cool.  Anywho, that was two months ago and I have been hanging out with him ever since.  I guess we have been seriously dating officially though for about a week now, although we have been together almost every day for the last two months, it wasn't until the other day that I felt comfortable with the fact that I am now in a relationship.  Six years it took me, SIX!.... to feel ok with this thing called being with just one person, I am still adjusting.  Journal, his patience has been what got us here, I cannot begin to tell you how much patience he has had with me, he is truly a great guy! I feel lucky!
 
So, today after the picnic, I cut his hair and with a straight razor shaved his beard, the best part about the whole thing was that he told me that he trusts me, it felt so good to know that I am with someone who trusts me, like literally trusts me with a straight razor on his throat! that man must really like me! HOLLY SHIT!!! but I made sure I was careful and made sure I was gentle and made sure I wouldn't cut my man's face with the straight razor, I gave him a nice clean shave and a cool new hair cut! YUP! I bet you didn't know I could cut hair and shave a man's face??....BUT JAZZY CAN DO VERY MANY THINGS! wooo hoooo!!! Well, technically it was the first time I shaved a man face with a straight razor, but he knew this and still said he trusted me! now that is TRUST! I think I did a really good job and he said as long as I liked it, he did also! as I was shaving his beard off I kept kissing his lips because they are so awesome! we kept saying that if I opened my own barbershop I would probably get lots of tips if I would shave and kiss my clients! YUK! So yeah, we always have fun and always talk all sorts of things and well, we both love music! music pretty much brought us together, good times!
 
Journal, life in Colorado is truly peaceful, I love it here, and I feel great! hopefully on Friday when I have that burger finally; I won't feel guilty!
 
Stay tuned............
 
peace and love..........

 
 
 
 


Sunday, April 13, 2014

Please be patient with me.......

So many wonderful kisses that I get from your sweet lips... They are soft, tender and loving! after one of them, I can barely recover...

Since you came into my world you have filled my days with laughter, and when I'm in your arms there can be no disaster.  For some strange reason I feel safe, all I need is to feel your embrace.

But what if I gave you my heart, would you betray it like all the others? and if I made you truly mine, could I trust you like no other? this fear inside of me does not let you in, I use any excuse that I can, to keep you far from within.

Yet you lay next to me each and everyday with patience, I hope inside of you, you already know, that your patience with me will conquer it all...

So please stay patient please stay kind, please stay near, have no fear! 


I know that with me you will one day find, a love so true a one of a kind! just give me some time I want to let you uncover, all the deep sides of me that I want to recover, so just be patience wait and see, I know I can! just stay with me! just be patient I'm so deeply afraid! I want you to know, that I want you to stay!

Please please just stay, be patient with my heart, please promise me you will not take your kisses afar, please be patient and you will have my heart like no other, we will have something special we will care for each other, your patience will keep us together I bet, we will have the time of our lives we will never forget!

Thank you my darling for your everyday kisses, I didn't even realize how badly I had been missing,

a tender touch;
a soft kiss;
a genuine smile;
a true heart;
a sincere feeling of miss

So just be patient my dear, and you will one day see, that when I give my love, it will be worth it to thee.  So please oh please don't take away your kisses...

And I beg thee to be patient with me, for when I give my love, you will surely see, that the wait was well worth it, because you will find in me...

A genuine heart,
A true faithful lover
A kind woman,
An adventurous lover....

I thank the day you ran after me, in that room filled with music that we both enjoyed, for that music brought us together and filled us with joy!


So I beg you be patient, be patient with me, you will not regret it, just you wait and see...



Art by: Vik Muniz


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Magical!

Dear Journal -

So much has happened since I moved to Colorado, that I truly don't know where to start! I guess the best way to start is to probably tell you that all the events that have led me to today, have been extremely wonderful and I am definitely happy! the events that have led me here are all very interesting to say the least.

I want to tell you first about a magical moment that I will never forget, it is magical, not because of the events that took place on that day, but because of the feelings involved and because of the closure the moment allowed.  There were genuine sincere feelings involved in the moment but also fear and nervousness and there was definitely a lot of holding back.  I think the biggest fear we both felt, was the fear of allowing all that was deep inside of us to come to surface, because if that would of happened, it would of been almost impossible to ever let go.  I cannot go into details about the actual events that took place on the second of April, not only because I feel that I want to cherish the event in my memory instead of on a journal, but also because the acts don't always necessarily make a moment special.  I can however tell you about the feelings and the person involved.  

I will start by telling you that on that morning, I received a txt message that I was not expecting, the message was from AJ remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html well, he and I the day before, had talked about how we both felt about one another and he told me that if I were younger, he would probably be in love with me, because in his eyes I was perfect! while I do not believe that I am perfect in any way shape or form, I do understand what he meant, and I also believe, that he himself is perfect as well, in other words, under different circumstances, we would be perfect for one another.  The sad thing is, that while we agree that we are perfect for one another, we both agree that we cannot be together for many reasons and although it hurts me deeply, I am at a point in my life that I have learned how to love with logic.  I have to understand that you cannot force anyone to want to fight for what they feel and that no matter how much you may want something, you have to allow the other person the freedom to do what is best for them.  For AJ, it is best for him not to be with me, for me, it is best to understand and accept that.

Journal, for the past over two years of my life, AJ has occupied my thoughts daily, he is the person I can honestly say I feel that I am in love with, however, when I think about it logically, I also think that I am more "in love" with the idea of being in love, because I have not felt that for anyone since Benjamin, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html The best part about what I feel for AJ, is that he and I are such great friends, that I was able to talk to him about all of this, and told him that he was my reason, my reason not to allow anyone else in.  Holding on to him, sheltered me from letting anyone in and allowing anyone to hurt me.  Loving him has felt safe, because I know, that even if he isn't in love with me, he truly loves me as he told me he does.  However, under the right circumstances, I know for a fact that I would have allowed myself to be completely completely in love with him, with all my heart, mind, body and soul! and the only reason why I never allowed myself to feel that way for him completely, and the only reason why he never allowed himself to feel that way for me completely, was because of our age difference, because of the fear of the judgments of others towards what we shared.  It saddens me, that we both allowed judgments to be the reason for us not allowing ourselves to feel what deep down we both wanted, it isn't fair, but that is life and no matter what age I am or what age he is, the fact is that he did not allow us to to share in each other.  I say this,  because I would of fought for what I wanted to allow myself to feel for him, I would of done so, if he for one moment would of showed me that he was willing to fight for it also! 

I have always been a rebel and always will be and therefore, I will never allow what society thinks to be "normal" to be a factor in my life.  I will always do what I want to do, because life is meant to be lived and for that reason I would of fought for us, but only if he would of been ok with it.  He is not and therefore, I have to be understanding.  I know that he is learning and growing as an individual and that he and only he knows what is best for him.

On the second of the month, we were able to talk about everything we both felt, about how special we are to one another, about how we will always be great amazing friends! and that makes me happy! I know that soon, he will probably be with someone else, I told him that I hope that she takes care of him the way I would of loved too, I also told him that I hope she will love him as much as I do, and while I don't think she will, because the way I love him is really unique and special and different and not only romantic in nature, I understand that sometimes in life,  you can't have everything that you want and that you have to be realistic and you have to accept and you have to move on.  

I am really glad that when it comes to him, it is not necessarily moving on, it's more about letting go of that romantic feeling and going back to that feeling that I felt the very first time I met him back in October of 2011 when I started to talk to this young man about life and all of a sudden, we were both engrossed in a feeling of bliss a feeling of oneness, a feeling of magic and genuine care.  I now have to learn how to stop thinking about him daily and allowing someone new into my thoughts.  It is time, that I make my way back into love, without fear.  

Journal, the magic is not in the events of a moment, the magic is in the feeling of true and genuine care, in true and genuine honesty, in true and genuine love and that is why on April first, I had a magical time.  I was with someone that knows me inside and out, someone that knows that I will be here for him forever, through good and bad times.  We thanked each other because with each other, we learned to trust, because with each other, we learned so many lessons.  How many people can say they have someone special that way? how many people can say that there is someone they know, that will always understand them, always be there no judgements? I think he and I are truly lucky!

Thank you my special friend! I LOVE YOU TO DEATH!

Safe and Sound - Rebelution 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WTcc3XuLEM




Monday, April 7, 2014

I Feel Love - Donna Summer

Dear Journal:



So much to tell so little time! So I will just tell you, that life is amazing! and I feel really happy! There is a lot of music in my life these days and it is awesome! Insert smiley face here!

I will leave you with.... Ms. Summer and Picasso!


I feel love - Donna Summer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8TBmeK9Abg&feature=kp


Les-Demoiselles - Pablo Picasso





I feel Love - Donna Summer


Thursday, March 20, 2014

My Phantom!

Dear Journal -

One day my life will be totally dull and I anticipate that I will be OK with that! indeed I will! because when life is dull you can just be, be in yourself and enjoy the stillness of being.  Right now however, or today and yesterday at least, my life was an emotional roller coaster that I can't deal with!

It all started when I got home and checked my email and saw Benjamin Nunez's name all over my inbox! Ok.... so he has a blog and I have made comments to many of his posts in the past, and well, obviously there will be a time when someone will go on his blog make a comment to something he has written and then there will be that message that I get because the comment was made, but these emails, these emails they were different and I am writing this on my journal because I am tired of thinking that I am crazy and that I make up stories in my mind that are totally crazy and that maybe, just maybe, I should instead be writing a triller! and not just blogging about my boring life that is not full of "racy" moments, as someone suggested I might have.

Racy! now there is a word that doesn't describe my life AT ALL! have I had sexual moments in my life that I may not be totally proud of? of course I have, haven't we all? Have I done something sexual in my life that is totally bizare or weird or out of the ordinary? what does that even mean? but I am not sitting in my new room in Colorado to tell you about any bizarre sexual moments, I am sitting here writing to you to tell you about one specific moment, a moment that turned this week into an emotional roller coaster! yes..... maybe I am also feeling this way because it's that time of the month, that time of the month where I feel fat and want to eat all the sweets that cross my path! and yes, maybe it's just that I am in a new city and I am surrounded by new people and maybe it's an adjustment thing I am going through, I mean the only one here that I know for over 2 years is AJ and well, he and I, that's a whole other story, although I did realize yesterday that I am in love with him very much so! it's hard, it's hard to feel this way for someone and know that you shouldn't and that you can't and that you won't, but I won't, because love is not what it seems, I don't think it is, not anymore.  

To me love is becoming a four letter word that I sometimes think does more harm then good, especially when it comes to romantic love, but maybe I am just feeling all this sadness inside because the other day I came home after spending the night with someone I am really starting to get to know, to appreciate and to like, and there they were, those emails that made me cry! and I cried and cried and cried and then I wrote a poem, because that's all I could do, just write a poem, a poem about this one man that still haunts me, the one I have been writing about since day one.... Benjamin Nunez! yes the one who's name isn't Benjamin Nunez...remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html but why in the fucking world, would you cry simply because you saw some guys name in your inbox simply because you made a comment on a post that was written in 2008 and then someone made a comment to it? I know journal that, that is what you are asking me, but I will tell you why I cried.  I cried because after all this time, he still controls my mind.  It reminds me of the Phantom of the Opera, she had his voice in her head, no matter where her heart was, there he was, in some way a significant person who had changed something inside of her forever.

I saw the name and then I started to review the comments and the comments where all his comments to the blog post, he was apparently testing something on his site which ok, it's legit, he is a software engineer so of course he would do that right? of course! but then, one of the emails read..... THIS IS A TEST FOR YOU..... and when I saw that email, that is when I broke down.  OH MY BENJAMIN! how will I ever erase you from the depths of my memory? and why still, as I write these words, do tears roll down my cheek? 

I know that to anyone else, that seems normal maybe, but I knew that what he was doing, was on purpose, I knew he was looking for a reaction and that's exactly what I gave him, I hope that made him happy.  I wrote him an email being pissed but being nice, but being me, except I don't know which me he loves more! 

Before I left NY, I contemplated briefly on trying to see him, like stopping by his office and just saying hello, but then I thought about the pain I might feel if I actually did get to see him, it's been over 2 years since I last saw his face, and I didn't think I wanted to see it again, but all of a sudden, these last few days, I want to get on a flight to NYC and just watch him from a far, just see him once, I miss my Benjamin!

So yes, I had a relapse of love perhaps? or of sadness because I am feeling home sick maybe? or maybe It's because it's that time of the month, or maybe it's because I have been spending time with someone who so closely resembles him.  Or maybe it's that he wanted to know something about me, and didn't have the guts to just say hi, like a normal human being should.  So instead he decided to haunt me with his emails, how clever he is! maybe that's why I loved him so desperately! 

I just want this week to go away and that way, this sadness looming over me will go away with it and new days will come so that I can feel normal again, or at least as normal as normal can be.  Benjamin ruined my week! THANKS ALOT B!


Phantom of the Opera - Theme Song



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKsoF8wdEVE



Sunday, March 16, 2014

Doppelganger........

My heart belongs to me, for once I'm finally free! 

I do not care for thee, for you thought you would have my heart for an eternity! 

and days past you held my heart, and days past you held my soul! and days past you had me all!

but now I'm totally free, I do not care for thee and even if your emails come into my box, it's just more junk mail a piece of trash!

For you are no longer living in me!

You will never have the love again that I so badly wanted to share with thee, and yet I cried when I saw your name, because so deep in me your name may still remain,

and I came to this page to write a poem, because from deep inside me, the words were just flowing.

I do not know, why still the tears, but I know that free of you for ever me,  because you will never come for me, and if you did someone else has me!

to bad for you, a kiss from my soft lips you will never get!

And forever you will always regret!

And my name you will never forget!

so I leave you now to run to another!

He keeps warm, he holds my hand and showers me with kisses, the ones you will always be missing..... so leave me be, stay away from me, I am happy you see, your name is no longer important to me and you in his shadow will always be.....

Your doppelganger!

Bendita tu luz - Mana
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0t-Do4aLBZc