Dear Journal - May 16, 2013

Dear Journal:

For some strange reason, I always write my best while on the train.  For my creative writing class which ended yesterday and I must admit I'm a little sad about that, I had to write a short story and one of the characters I described, was a woman I saw on my way to class one day.  I literally kept staring at her describing her, because I thought she was so beautiful, she seriously needed to be in my story.  It is also easier to describe something or someone you are looking at, then creating a character out of nothing at least for me.   The best part about creating a character out of a stranger, was that I got to make her up, I was able to create someone fake out of someone real, that was really cool!

Speaking of someone fake and someone real, anyone who reads this post must see the movie Ruby Sparks! that movie was freaking cool as hell! I don't want to get into the details of the movie, but it's basically about a writer who writes a character who comes to life.  Ok, I know that's been done before I feel like, but, because I write, I loved the movie, but here is the coolest part about the whole thing and the reason why I'm even bringing it up. 

Last weekend I was in downtown Brooklyn picking my daughter up from her acting class.  My daughter is 5 and she spends most of her time singing, so I decided to sacrifice my Saturday late sleep, so that she could take a kid acting/singing class.  Anywho, I'm walking with her, and since I observe everything around me, I see this guy and I think, where do I know him from? and then as he walks past me, I realize it's the main actor from the movie Ruby Sparks! So I'm like thinking to myself, of course!... Holy shit! that's him, that's him! feeling a little star struck! I felt start struck, but what was most exciting to me, was that before I saw the movie or the reason why I even saw the movie, was because I read an article about it, and in the article they were talking about how the writer of the movie, also played in it and they were interviewing the writer asking him how it felt to act in something he wrote.  So, I was excited to meet the writer of this movie, who also happened to act in it, or so I thought.

So, what did I do you ask Journal??? well! I did anything any normal person would do, I ran after the dude! and when I caught up to him, I was like, hi, staring at him looking a bit out of breath and a bit crazy with a child in a stroller, which is why I think he stopped, he thought I was "safe" so I extend my hand out and say, I'm Jazzy nice to meet you, I saw that movie you wrote and I absolutely loved it... I'm so sorry what's your name? (I NEVER remember names) so there I was asking a famous guy what his name was! So, he tells me his name is Paul and then I looked it up and found out his last name is (Dano) so he shakes my hand and says thank you, and I'm like, I really enjoy writing so it's such a pleasure to meet you! Great story! and he's very modest and is like oh great thank you! and so I tell him to have a great day and begin to walk away, and now I'm like, ok I have to tell someone about this, but I have to google him because I have no idea what his name is.  I google him and guess what journal??? He isn't the actual writer! WHAT THE FUCK! actually, he was just the lead actor! so the whole time as I was shaking his hand he was probably like... what is this woman talking about? and he might of even thought, great, she thinks I'm a writer and I'm actually an actor! Nice! regardless of what he thought, I looked like an idiot! but it was still awesome to meet him I just wish I would of given him the proper credit he deserved, instead of confusing him as someone else.

Journal, I'm sorry I've been neglecting you lately, I write all the time but I have just been so busy because it's the end of the semester, and quite honestly, I'm so stressed out about my statistics final, that writing that word made me nauseous.  It's pretty bad! I have to admit though, it will be a great relief when this episode of my life is finally over and I can talk about how my statistics class was so crazy! My friend always says, don't even say that word around me! YES! It sucks THAT BAD!

In other Jazzy news, I will be going away in a few weeks and I cannot wait! I need a little break, I'm very excited.

That's about it for now journal...

Over and Out!

The Creep

He creeps up on you without any notice, and just when you thought he was gone, you turn and there he is, right next to you, what, huh, it never happened, don't talk to me, no, please stay......

You creep, how can you think it is easy, to come back just like that, to creep up on me like a thief in the night, who comes inside, covers your mouth and looks in your eyes.  And you thief, yes you stole, I feel anger I feel scared, I feel fear I feel desire, I feel burning I feel tired.  I can't fight, please just take me, I'm scared this desire, this burning, this yearning...Creep you repulse me, no I want you, it hurts…

I’m not your friend creep, I’m not your friend.  I’m not your lover, I’m not your neighbor, I’m not the same.  And your presence confuses me and your presence hurts and your presence disturbs me and your presence burns and I want you near me and I want you far and your constantly in me but I want you gone.

This fight, this fight, this fight inside, I hate you creep, I hate you so, I want you creep, please don’t ever go.

Go creep! Disappear! Abra kadabra and your near, go creep don’t come near, you hurt me for so long. Go creep, leave me, stay here please don't go.

 

Go creep just leave me, pretend we never were, go go stay away I just want you really far, no please, please don't go I want you to stay, why can't I just forget.  Stay far hold me close, stay far please don’t go, stay far, please be near, I can’t deal with all this fear.  

 I’m confused, I am scared, stay away, just stay scared.  You’re the creep who hurt me, please forgive me go away, you’re the creep who hurt me, I beg you please lets forget.

Dear Journal: 5-6-13 ~ LOVE

Dear Journal:

When I was catholic, I would read the bible sometimes, as the bible is a beautiful book.  To me, it is a book full of philosophy and teachings of how we should live our lives.  Of course, some of the stuff in the bible is really outdated, I guess that is why different religious leaders, often have to make some adjustments to their religious rules, based on the things that are written on the bible that no longer apply to this generation.  At least that is what I think, but don't take my word for it, I do not study any religion, the only thing I practice is..........LOVE.....I practice love because love is that in your heart that helps you to make the right choices.  I am not referring to romantic love, that love sometimes makes you act all sorts of crazy, or at least it has made me act that way in the past.  I mean, LOVE as in Love yourself and Love others.

When I went to my cousins wedding last year, the priest read a scripture from the bible that I had heard in the past, but did not know it was from the bible, I always thought someone had made it up.  When I heard it at my cousins wedding, I made a mental note that I had to put the verse on my journal because it is absolutely beautiful! my cousin was married nearly a year ago, it took me THAT long to finally put it on here, but the reason why I remembered, was because I had a situation and I needed to make a decision, in order to make the right decision, I looked for the verse and it made my decision very simple.  I'm glad I looked for it, I want to keep it on this journal to remind me that LOVE IS AMAZING! 

1 Corinthians 13: 4-13   

Love is patient 
Love is kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud
It is not rude
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth
It always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres
LOVE NEVER FAILS

Dear Journal: 5-2-13

"Be kind whenever possible it is always possible" ~ Dalai Lama

I wasn't kind with my words, but not only to my niece, but also to my ex.  I guess you can say I had some serious baby daddy drama with the father of my nearly 19 year old son.  I guess "baby daddy drama" never truly goes away, we won't always see eye to eye when it comest to our son, but the one thing I need to always remember is that we both have only but his best interest at heart.  Journal, I am no where near perfect, I have a disgusting temper that I myself hate myself when I see that vicious side of me, it's like the devil himself in my body and I cannot control it, it is horrible and I try.  But, when I bring out the devil in another person, that makes me feel even worse and I did that a whole lot this week, this has not been a good week and I don't feel good about that.  I don't know what else to write, I am a bit down.

I am stressing about my statistics final and I have to write a screen play and another story for my writing class.  I have been writing my screen play on the train on my iphone, I feel like that is the only time where all these ideas flood into my head about the story I am writing.  I got a B on my other story, my professor said that it was too much like a journal... DUH! that's the only way I know how to write, so no I am not happy about the B and I am not happy that I cannot step out of my comfort zone and write something great, something meaningful, and something not real, something made up in my mind, a piece of my imagination on a piece of paper! and what of all the ideas I would write about in my head about Benjamin and I, about how it would be the day when I finally would be next to him and we could both feel like we belonged, I had so many stories about the two of us that I had created in my mind, where are they now? and how come I can't make them get out of my head and on to a paper.

I went to the theatre at my college this week and saw a play, it was ok., it was a bit crazy but I don't mind crazy, I just feel like in life we all want to have a clear explanation about everything that happens, who cares if it isn't a clear explanation, why can't we all just BE! other than that I don't have much more to say.  It hasn't been a good week, but I said I was sorry, many times and if people don't know how to forgive, then they have a problem, I don't, because when I forgive, I mean it and if I am not going to mean it, then I don't say that I am forgiving the person.  One of my friends told me that it isn't good to tell the truth out loud sometimes, well I am sorry, but I don't know how to lie, especially to the people I love and maybe my truth or the way I tell the truth might not be the best way of telling the truth, but at least I am doing it because I am thinking about the best interest of the person who I am telling the truth too.  What else am I supposed to do journal? I don't get it.

It hasn't been a good week, but like my friend told me last night, that is now the past.  He is right, I apologized for my wrong doings and it is now in the past, my past and if people want to dwell and hold grudges, then that is on them.  Tomorrow will be Friday! FRIDAY! YES!

Sweet dreams!

The TRUTH ABOUT SEX

Dear Journal:

I woke up this morning feeling so damn crappy! my chest hurts from coughing and my ears are so clogged I can barely hear, old age perhaps? regardless of my olditis, other than my what appears to be a cold, I am feeling quite good lately.  Honestly, somedays I feel so good in fact, that I have to admit that it has to be due to the fact that I have completely changed my diet.  The last time I ate a piece of steak was on December 19, 2012, since then, I have not eaten any chicken or meat or eggs and I basically just have fish maybe once or twice a week.  My goal is to become completely vegan at some point, but I can't do it cold turkey until I understand how I can get all the nutrients my body needs and until I can make sure that I know how to make delicious foods that will satisfy my cravings for goodness and by goodness I mean sweets!  

I don't really miss chicken as I was never really a chicken lover, but occasionally I do miss eggs, however, I understand that as a 41 year old woman, I need to start taking care of myself because although I am very aware that one day I will die, I don't want to suffer on a death bed due to not taking proper care of myself.  I also don't want to have to take pills for this and pills for that just because I don't have the discipline and self love, to take proper care of my body.  I don't deprive myself though, I must admit that the other day I went to McDonald's and devoured a big mac, so technically I did eat some meat, but that was the only time other than the day I stopped by my friends house and I was starving and he gave me this frozen dinner telling me it was potatoes and when I bit into it, it was lamb or something, so ok, since December I ate meat twice, so that isn't that bad! I was a meat lover all of my life, so this is a huge change, but a change that I have wanted for many many years.

In other Jazzy news, I just registered for my summer courses.  I am SO SCARED! I will be taking a class called behavioral neurobiology and drugs and behavior! THAT NAME FREAKS ME OUT!!! but I know I CAN! I have to do well so that I can keep my grades up, this shit (school) it is SO HARD! (insert sad smiley icon here) but I am happy all in all with the choice I made to go back and pursue my dream, because my dream is becoming a reality and I feel like I am a totally different person, it's so weird, but I really did change in many ways.  I mean fundamentally, I am still the same person, but there are things about me I have changed and I am happy about some of the things that have changed in my life. 

This weekend, I went out with some friends to a bar and at 2am everyone wanted to go home, since I never go out much, I told my friend to drop me off at the bar down the block from my apartment, so he drops me off and I sit at the bar alone to have a beer and these two guys are standing next to me talking to each other, at first I thought they might be a couple, but later on they began talking to me and one of them who was kind of cute and I, got engrossed in this awesome conversation about sex and society and about music and sex and about how sex is just IN OUR FACES at all times.  

He told me he got his BA in Psychology also and the next thing I knew, he was being my therapist! IT WAS AWESOME! we then exchanged numbers and after he left he sent me a text telling me that he really liked my t-shirt, I was wearing my green lantern tee because I LOVE SUPER HEROES! and I have a bunch of different super hero tees, I told him I thought he was really handsome and then he said so was I, I guess pretty not handsome, and that was the end of our texting.  I kind of want to message him, but at the same time I keep thinking that getting involved romantically right now with someone would probably not be a good idea, I mean I have so much on my plate, so I think I will wait and see if he messages me and if he does, I'll go along with whatever, but I am telling you right now journal, if he even as much as once starts to distract me from my studies, that will be the end of the story! I have come to far to allow anything or anyone to distract me from my goal, and I can almost taste my degree, it will probably taste like beef!

So the other day I get home and my son comes up to me and says, oh my god mom! I saw this video on Facebook about this little girl getting raped by this man! and he seemed really really upset about the video.  At first, my oldest son yelled at him because he was coming to me to tell me this, but I was really happy that my 13 year old is open enough about sex with me, that he and I can have a conversation about it in a very normal way.  It is SO VITAL! to be opened and honest about sex with our children, it is EXTREMELY important that we help them understand what sex is, and the pro's and con's of it. Yes, there are no CONS I guess once your a consenting adult who well, likes to have sex like a normal human being, but as a child and as a teen, sex is something that is very confusing and the fact that the media is constantly shoving sex down our throats, truly makes me sad, because these are the images our children are always left with and this is what they think sex is and should be like, but sex could be nothing or sex can be everything.  So, after I saw that my kid was going through an emotional distress after seeing these horrific images in non other than Facebook, which I honestly don't know in what moment, Facebook began to allow all these sexual things on their site.  I told my son to come to my bed and lay down with me, and for us to have a conversation.

My son came to me and I let him put his head on my arm and I made him get into a comfortable position me sheltering him and rubbing his long hair as he is letting his hair grow so that he can cut it and donate it to cancer patients.  And then I started to talk to my baby of THE TRUTH ABOUT SEX! I told him that there were very very sick people in this world, I told him that clearly what that man was doing to that little girl was a horrible horrible criminal thing and that hopefully whomever put this video up would get caught by the cops and pay for his vicious crime.  I told him that sex was a beautiful thing we do when two people love one another, but I told him that it could be something that we do because we have sexual desires and sometimes once we get older and understand it, we could do as consenting adults because we have these desires that most times we can't control, but if we really want to, we can.  I told him that I know that he must watch porn behind my back and that if he does, he needs to understand that women in these videos work at this, that is their job, their job is to allow men to sexually do to them whatever these men want, and that they may or may not like it, but in the video they have to act like it is the best thing in the world.  I told him that most women in the real world, are not ok with half of the things he watches the women on the videos do, but that there are some that are ok with it and that is a personal preference.  I told him that if at one point in his life he has a girlfriend whom he loves and trusts and they decide to do things they see on a porno and she is ok with it, then they can experiment together as two consenting adults and that at that point it is ok to do it because she is ok with it.  I told him that it is important that he respects his body and the body of the person who he is having sexual intercourse with, because at no given time in life does anyone ever belong to you.  I told him that he must ALWAYS use protection once he starts having sex.  I ended with, you can always talk to me baby if you need to, because I understand that there are certain things that are very embarrassing but that he never needs to feel embarrassed talking to me because I understand him and I love him and trust that he will always make the right choices.  After our little talk I kissed him on the forehead and he said.... THANKS MOM! I LOVE THAT I HAVE THIS WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BOYS! I encourage people all the time to talk to their kids about sex, because this is a vicious world that we should not shelter our kids from, but rather we should prepare them for it, how to face it.  There are also really really good people in this world, I know a bunch, so it isn't just bad, it's also good!

My 5 year old daughter is constantly using the word sex, so the other day I had to sit her down and look up a youtube video on child birth and child bearing, I watched it with her and told her that mommy and daddy had sex when they were married because they loved each other and then she came. What I am trying to say is that we have to talk to our children about sex from the moment they start to ask questions, when they are really young, you get all technical about it, as they get older, you start to tell them, THE TRUTH ABOUT SEX.  Oh journal! my work is never done! i'm exhausted!

I will leave you today with a song that I can't stop listening to, it makes me think of someone and I told him it did.  But, it doesn't make me think of him because I'm in love with him, I am not, and I don't have a (love of my life) sometimes I think and the therapist I had before agreed that (I have not experience true love) or a true rewarding relationship with anyone.  But, this song makes me think of him because in the longest time I had not met someone I was so much like in so many different ways, it was weird.  He and I were friends, but we don't have that kind of relationship anymore. He did something to me that really hurt me.  In learning how to love myself, I am also learning that no matter how great someone is, sometimes they are just not someone you should have in your life, especially if they treated you less than kind.  Still, as a person I will always love him and if he talks to me I will always respond, and vice versa.  I don't hold grudges they are bad for our soul and I don't believe in "getting someone back for hurting me" as I am not a vengeful person.   I try to forgive without hostility, I try to love all people regardless of what I felt they did to me that was wrong.  I PRACTICE LOVE.

Mirror - Justin Timberlake  ----- LOVE MY JT!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuZE_IRwLNI

Dear Journal - 4-22-13

At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet ~ Plato

Dear Journal:

You must think that I have forgotten you! but fear not my true love, for you are always present in my thoughts, what will I write next to you I often think.  I’ve been feeling so inspired lately, it’s the Spring that brings this deep joy to my heart and when I feel this way, my mind is going in all kinds of directions and I try to find a place where I can sit still for a moment and remember and cherish and savor a moment a moment in time a moment that is just for me and my thoughts and him, him…… His name? Benjamin Nunez!

Oh YES! How can you think I would never write about him again? For he has been the main character of my novel for nearly six years now.  Yes, this novel, the one I call my life.  I have to write my novel, because if I don't, than how can it ever be real? I have to write my novel on these pages I call my journal, the one that knows all and nothing, so many things I can not share, so many secrets I have to keep from you sometimes, when? when will I be able to tell you all? all the secrets that only I know! but I do think of you each and every day and I wonder where I will take you, I wonder where we will go together in my life and I think of stories I don’t have time to write.  And the moments past and life happens and the words just stay inside, words that need to come out and on to this page.   

Yes of course I still think of him almost daily, for so long he was all the love that I knew, and all the love that I wanted and all the love that I could give.  But I have moved on I think sort of, and there are days that I forget he lives but then there are moments when I remember and in those moments I don’t feel bad about it, but instead I embrace them, I feel them and I let them go.  In this moment, I am writing to you to tell you the following….

The other morning I was on the train.  It was a beautiful beautiful Spring morning and I was wearing a new outfit I bought.  Pink skirt, white tank and a pink cardigan, me Jazzy wearing all that pink, I used to hate pink.  I sat on the train and all of a sudden I looked at my skirt and thought, oh wow! Spring! I sure do love thee! And then the thought of him took control of me, so many mornings had passed that I did not do that, you know, wake up thinking of him and for so long that is all I ever did, so many mornings I woke up thinking of him…I would say that maybe about 1,460 mornings if not more.  WOW! 1,460 mornings, that’s a whole lot of mornings.  Anyway, in that moment when I thought of him, I pulled out my iPhone and I wrote a poem, a poem for him.  I was going to put it on here sooner, but then when I went back to retrieve it, it was gone, I nearly cried because I was so upset that my poem had disappeared and I didn’t remember it all, but I did remember some parts, but it’s never the same, it’s not the same when it just flows through me like magic words, but I wanted to remember that morning, maybe it was last week, so I re-wrote the poem this morning or whatever I remembered of it and I tweaked it and cried a few times while writing it.  So many mornings, about 1,460 of them, that was a whole lot of mornings…. Him…. Benjamin Nunez! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html

I hope you will like my poem journal.

Spring

Maybe in the Spring she said, said she maybe in the Spring.  And Spring sprung and Springs came and Springs gone and his face she never saw, but the memory of it stayed like the lyrics of a song

And one Spring morning as she thought of him, with her eyes closed she saw him there, for his face forever emblazoned in her mind.  His lips the color of Spring cherry blossom flowers.  Those eyes, OH! those eyes, so dark and deep and crisp like a Spring evening, and the time in the Spring when she looked in them, a shimmer of crystal, the sparkle of a galaxy of stars, the eyes that told her nothing, the eyes of a secret on Spring night.

Springs came and Springs left and his cherry blossom lips she never kissed, but in her memory still his face and in her heart still a trace, for he had her for so long or maybe still, for he had not gone, and the Spring would not reveal that it wasn't just in her mind it had all been so real.

And Spring she said, and Springs came and Springs sprung and Springs left and Springs gone.  And a boom of Spring flowers and a tiny bud of her love.  The love she once knew, a love so true, it was magic what they shared and no one would ever care, for only Spring could reveal, that their love had been so real.  

Dear Journal: THANK YOU.....

Dear Journal:

Today was a bad day, or should I say, yesterday was a bad day, it was a really really sad day! 10 years ago yesterday, the one man that I truly loved with every bit of my very being past away.  Ten years, that I do not see his smile, hear his voice, touch his skin, kiss his forehead, tell him my deepest scariest feelings, oh my grand daddy, how much I miss you! My body aches with hurt and I feel like I am living that moment again, when I last saw him there on that bed and then life became surreal and nothing mattered, because my grand daddy was gone.  WHERE ARE YOU NOW? I remember that for days after that, I was in some sort of weird space, the world around me felt so strange and nothing mattered, the pain was so overwhelming that I kept asking if it was true.  I still have the pajama pants he was wearing the day that he died and I can't wear them or do anything with them, just keep them somewhere, somewhere where I know they are.  Ten years, how did they go so fast? where did they go? who am I now?

This morning I went for a run and as I was running I broke down crying, I felt so overwhelmed and emotionally imbalanced, I felt free for the first time in so long, free truly free as if I had been let out of a box and into this world, cruel, scary world and all of a sudden it dawned on me, my fear of commitment and love, where it came from.  While I was married I felt trapped, I felt as if I was in a box as if I had stopped being me, just so I could be the person that my husband wanted me to be, but not because he asked me too, but because I made myself that person just for him, I changed just to be someone I wasn't and then I was trapped in this fake world that I did not know, because I had created that world just for him, to have him and when I started to be me, he did not like me, because I wasn't what he wanted.  I felt horrible that I lied to him and myself all those years for my own selfish reasons and as I ran and cried, I asked God to please forgive me, to please forgive me for what I had done, because I was wrong, yet I had to do what I did so that he could have the life he now has, it was written somewhere else, it was someone else's rule, but who's?

I know that I don't make any sense at this moment, maybe because it is way past midnight, but I have written some magical things, I have been writing journals since I was a teenager and once upon a time, my boyfriend when I was 16 took the journals I had up until that point and threw them down the incinerator of his building, but this is my gift, this is what I have and I don't care if it ever goes anywhere, I don't care if anyone ever reads it, I don't care if it is good or not.  This is my journal and no one will ever again take it away from me, I will not let them.  My journals that I wrote went down a whole full of garbage, I allowed a man to take what I had written and throw it away as if it was trash, it wasn't trash, it was my life in words.  This you my journal, you are my life in words.

Today was a hard day, or should I say yesterday, for today is a new day and it will be better....

THANK YOU GOD, thank you UNIVERSE, thank you ANGELS.....