Dear Journal -
Some years ago I created you because I always felt like I had a lot to say and I kept saying it to someone who didn't care to listen, his name..... blah blah blah, it isn't even worth mentioning the name anymore since he has long been gone from my life and only barely ever makes it into my thought process anymore. This sure does make me happy, for I don't love him anymore not that he ever deserved this love of mine. But from that experience as with most experiences in life, I learned a very valuable lesson, and that lesson was that if someone doesn't want to hear you, to pay attention to what you have to say, if they do not appreciate all that you are, then you should not say anymore, you should write the words down and hope that someone else is reading, that someone else wants to pay attention, that someone else is caring. And so that is why I am back here talking to you again my lovely journal! because you are ever so faithful to me with your caring, with your listening, with your silence and yet I know that these words will be looked at by someone, somewhere and somehow they will understand me and understand that it is ok to not be loved by or cared about or thought of or missed by or anything by anyone as long as you have good people in your life you can always talk to or even an amazing journal where you can share your life and that is you!
Thank you for reading, I have been missing you so much and yes the thoughts are always there and the will is broken by my tiredness. All I do is work lately and I am not complaining but I am really tired. I do miss writing, so the other night I picked up my phone and wrote a simple poem to someone, someone who inspires me even though I have no reason anymore to be inspired by him. Yet there they were, these simple words that I wanted to share with him and yet I couldn't, because it wouldn't mean to him, what the words meant to me. In that moment after the very short but what I thought was a sweet poem was finished, I deleted immediately and thought of you and how much better it would be if I would just put those short words here, because at least here, whoever came to see what I had to say, would at the very minimum appreciate it and if they chose not to keep on reading then at least those words would be on the world wide web forever and they would mean something to the void. So what were those words? I will put them at the end of this post. But first let me tell you a few things that have been going on in my life.
A few weeks ago right after I wrote my last post, I got a text message from the last person I expected to receive a message from, I looked at my phone and had to do a double take because I had a message from AJ, I cried when I read what he had to say and I got myself together before I could respond, because at first I wasn't even sure if responding was a good idea. But after about 20 minutes of feeling overwhelmed with joy and confusion, I wrote him back and just like that, he was back in my life and after we spoke and he invited me over his house, I ran there as if the most important thing in the world had happened and I had to run to his bed. Yes, that is exactly where I ended up and I have to tell you journal, that on that day I made love for the very first time in about 7 years, what happened on that bed was not just sex, it was something deeper, it was greater it was paradise. I left his house feeling shaken, I felt confused and scared and I was trembling the whole way home. The worst part, is that I wasn't feeling that way because I had an orgasm or anything of the sort, I did not, what I felt was deeper, it had nothing to do with our bodies becoming one, it had nothing to do with the physical act that had just occurred, it was something else and I don't know how to explain it. That night I barely slept, I kept twisting and turning and thinking of how deeply connected this human being and I were, how deeply spiritual what we have is and yet we both fight it, because he denies us what we can share.
The next day I got a message from him asking how I was doing and I felt like he was at the starting line and like the gun fired but he refused to run with it, instead he stood at the starting line and stared and held back, because he is still not sure what to do with me, how to deal with me, where to place me in his life. And yes, ever since that day there has been small talk here and there, but it is the type of talk that you have because you want to make sure everything is cool, you want to make sure that it is ok, but you don't want to say too much because then everything will get messed up, so you just hold your tongue and wait. I don't know what to do anymore, so I just gave up and just live. What else can I possibly do? everything I have ever had to say I have said it, everything I have needed from him I have asked for it and I don't know what else is left to do. So last night when I picked up my phone and wrote this short little tiny poem, I deleted right after, because I felt that he did not deserve my love.
So, without further a do, below are the sweet words that were meant for him, but instead I share with you........
three, the number of weeks since I last saw your lovely face
three, the number of weeks since I felt your warm embrace
three, the number of weeks since I had you near me
three, the number of weeks since I felt so complete
and if three turns into thirteen or thirty five or three hundred I will not care, for I had you and we became one soul and that moment forever I will hold, because in your arms I became a woman and your touch made me feel like no others. So here I am waiting to hold you again and three weeks have passed and three weeks are gone but the touch of your hands in my memory forever, the tender kisses the deep breaths, the passion, the magic the paradise the moment, the love.