Friday, January 16, 2015

Just in Case

Dear Journal -

I feel like I keep apologizing every single time I come on this my sweet space on the internet! I have to apologize! because I keep neglecting you, I think of you all the time, I really do! what will I write? what will I call the post? should I talk about xyz? and then I get wrapped up in my lazy ways and just sort of loose the momentum.  I wanted to write to you at midnight tonight, because in a few hours I will be heading to the airport for my second trip to Europe! I am super excited and yet I feel like it's just another trip! what has happened to me journal? have I lost myself some way? why is it that sometimes I don't find a trill in anything at all almost? I have no idea, I can honestly say that I do not but still I want to share this with you because it will be fun I am sure of it.

So how come I'm going to Europe you may be asking? well, the story goes something like this! when I first moved to Colorado almost a year ago next month, I met a really wonderful person and for purposes of this post I will call him DJ Bass or actually that is his DJ name hehe... anyway, him and I met at a techno/house warehouse rave in Denver and it turned out that we lived literally a mile away from each other in Fort Collins that's my town! anyway, I am positive that I wrote about him before but I am too sleepy to look for the post to link it to this one which is why I'm giving this short description of our story.  DJ Bass turned out to be my very first boyfriend in almost 7 years! YES HE DID! he and I were an official couple and everyone knew about us, including our parents! THAT'S HUGE! for me.  Anyway, things didn't work out between us (more on that another day) but DJ B and I stayed good friends.  DJ B's mom lives in Germany because that is where she is originally from, DJ B visits his mom every year for the holidays, like every year, he left to spend time with his mom back in November and when he arrived I got a txt message from him telling me that he was in Germany and wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving! when I saw his message I was a bit annoyed (more on that another time) but I wrote back because as annoyed as I was, I was also happy to hear from him.  We began chatting and I told him I wanted to visit him and his answers was.... COME ON! he knows me well enough to know that my word is my bond, so when he said come on, I was like "I'm serious" and he was like "so am I" so a few weeks later I purchased my ticket and here I am the night before my trip telling you this story.

It will be very nice to see DJ Bass, I have not seen him since October, so it will be great to get some hugs and kisses and well...  you know! I love spending time with him because he is really smart and funny and treats me like a princes! he does whatever he can to make me feel happy and of course I reciprocate.  I would like to write about how much fun we are going to have together, but I am really sleepy, so instead I will take my laptop with me and write some more about my plans once I arrive and see him and my trip actually begins.

But before I go to bed, there is just one thing that I want to write.  Many years ago, someone who meant a great deal to me, sent me a message from the airport and in the message it said that every time he was going to get on a plane, he always thought about what he wanted to tell people "just in case" I was so nervous to ask him what he wanted to tell me, that I just simply said that I knew nothing was going to happen to him, but the nature of his message led me to believe that there was something he wished to tell me and maybe I didn't give him the opportunity to say it.  Tonight, I can't help but to think of him and wonder what it was that he wanted to tell me "just in case" but there is something that I do want to write to him "just in case" I want him to know that there is still almost not one day that doesn't go by that I don't wonder how he is doing, and that I don't wish we could be friends.  It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that he is engaged, It makes me angry when I think about it.  One night, I allowed myself to hate him, to curse him out, to hate her, to be angry with my thoughts and with my words and then I cried and then after I let out all that anger, I allowed love to enter my heart and clean all those terrible sentiments away and in that moment I felt peace, and with all my love I wished him happiness.  So.... "just in case" there is someone who still thinks of you fondly, who will always love you in some sort of way and who wishes you all the best in your new life with the woman you chose.  I'm going to Germany tomorrow, to hang out with someone super special and one of the reasons why I dated him was because he resembled you so much, how crazy am I?

So journal.... "just in case" I love you!

ps. "just in case" I miss my friend AJ very much!

Monday, December 22, 2014

Dear AJ:

Dear Journal -

I wanted to write I really did, but I've been lazy! that's the only excuse I have! but last night I was thinking about AJ, whom I sent a message to the other day after not talking to him for nearly 3 months and he responded, but I almost regretted the initial message, because I don't know if I wanted to talk to him, or just reach out to him to make sure he is alive and well.  I almost feel like at this point, just knowing he is ok, is enough for me.  Anyway, last night I felt like I had a lot to say to him, so I wrote him a letter.  Initially I thought about letting him know about it, but then I decided that I would just give it to you instead, my faithful journal.  I think sometimes it's good to express what you want to, but when you feel that it won't make a big difference, there is no point in sharing it with the individual.  So I basically wrote the letter below and saved it to put it on the world wide web and share it with whomever crosses this page and feels like reading it.  Because this is my journal. 

Dear AJ - 

You blamed me for ruining your relationships.  But what you should really blame is your feelings. Yourself for never allowing us to just be.  Giving your feelings an opportunity may have made us everything, or nothing at all.  But at the very least we would have had a chance.  Instead you let your judgements about our age difference dictate what could or couldn't happen.

When I met you, you convinced me to allow myself to see you romantically, I only did so because I thought you were a rebel, I thought you would fight for what you wanted and cared about.  After knowing you for three years I've learned that you are just scared.  You are the same scared man that I talked through  a rough night at a roommates apt. Who you thought was going to beat you up.  You said you hated the fact that you were always afraid, and with my love I gave you the opportunity to change fear into happiness, but you were to scared to be even that, happy.

I don't want anything at all from you anymore, not even your friendship would matter, because that was definitely not real.  It took me a long time and new friends to realize it, but now I do, I realize that everything was just ideas I made up in my mind.  The only thing I truly regret is that I believed you, I believed in your honesty and even your love.  That last night we shared, when sitting in your back porch you said that the reason why you had contacted me again was because you had realized that you were all I really had here in Colorado, and you did not want to leave me alone.  Those words were the most amazing words anyone has ever said to me, they meant a lot to me and I believed them, and if I would have had nothing else but your sincere genuine friendship and that alone, I would have been so happy, because you were all I really had here.  But not anymore, I now have true friendships, honest and caring friends mostly male, one who is even younger than you are.  So age really doesn't matter when friendship is concerned, so why did it matter so much to you? at this point it doesn't matter anymore, all I know is that your words were insincere, or maybe you meant them and that's what you really wanted, but again your fear took control.

Regardless of all that has transgressed, I will always be here if you ever need me, because I got one great thing from you that I will forever cherish and always be thankful for.  And that is this new wonderful life that I am living now.  You telling me to consider moving here and me doing it.  Everyone has a purpose in our lives, I hope the purpose of me in yours was to teach you lessons.

I sent you your movie.  We no longer have any ties.  I hope with all my love that you are truly happy.  Because love is not selfish, and because I love you, I have let you go.

Love Always
Your friend Jaz.

P.S.


The last time I saw you and said I would always be here, I meant it.  My word is my bond......




Safe and sound:
By: Rebelution



Thursday, November 27, 2014

Thanksgiving 2014

Dear Journal:

As I lay on my bed writing this post I can't seem to help getting a little melancholic about so many painful Thanksgiving days in my past.  But there were also some amazing ones.  In 2005 on Thanksgiving day my ex husband arrived in America ready to start his new life in the land where dreams can become a reality, he was ready to start a new life with his wife and son.  I remember that I picked him up from the airport and we went straight to the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade, that was one of the few times I went to the parade, because as nice as that parade is, it's always so crowded and usually so cold, it isn't something I enjoyed doing much.  We had a few Thanksgivings together after that, but our marriage ended in 2007 and I have been having single Thanksgivings ever since.

I want to write about the bad things for some reason, or the sad things.  Maybe today will be the first day of my future always happy Thanksgivings and I have to write about the bad ones so that I can let them go.  I want to first write about the Thanksgiving in 2008 when I told he who must not be named on my blog anymore, that I was in love with him.  It was the day before Thanksgiving and he's response broke my heart.  Yes that was a really long time ago, but it still makes me sad that after that time, we were never ever friends again.  Yes, after that we exchanged a  few words, took some classes together and even shared one last good bye hug, yet every Thanksgiving after that I always recall that day before Thanksgiving when through an email I told him that I was in love with him and his response was that his feelings for me where only of friendship, except he wasn't such a good friend after all because soon after that I found out he had a girlfriend he had failed to mention to me for months.  I will never ever understand what that whole lying thing was about, but I do know in my heart that I made a huge difference in his life and that in his own way, he loved me back just as much as I loved him.   He is currently engaged and there is no part of me that regrets that pure love I felt in my heart for him.  I am also happy that I can write this without not one tear.  I do feel sad as I share this story, but not as sad as I felt on that Thanksgiving day when he sent me a text message the day after I had told him how I felt, to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving! how could it be happy, when I wasn't sharing that day with the person I loved.

In 2012, I really liked my neighbor back in Brooklyn.  That day I told him I was going to be making potato salad for my family gathering and he wished me luck because he knew I didn't like cooking much.  Later that morning, we bumped into each other right outside our building.  I remember being ever so grateful that I had just done my hair and that I looked all dolled up.  I could tell he was pleased with the sight before him.  The way we exchanged looks always felt deep.  That evening he sent me a message when he got back from his parents house inviting me over to his apartment for some left over desert he had brought back with him.  As badly as I wanted to go, I said no because I was already in my pajamas and I had to work the day after.  Til this day I regret that decision! I know that had I gone to his apartment that evening, we would have made love, or at the very least we would have made "like a lot" because by this point my feelings for him were so strong, that I wanted nothing more than to be with him.  But I said no, and that was the very last time I had the opportunity to be in his arms.  This morning when I woke up I thought about him and I missed him, as I am writing this paragraph tears are rolling down my cheek! I miss my neighbor.

Today is a day when you are thankful for so many things, and although I have sad memories about Thanksgiving past, I am still truly grateful for all the wonderful things that are going on in my life currently.  I have made so many wonderful new friends in my new home in Colorado, that today I am making my first full Thanksgiving dinner in more that 8 years I believe.  My second turkey ever in my life.  Why am I cooking? I am cooking because I have some really sweet friends coming over this afternoon to share with me my first Thanksgiving in Colorado.  My friend JC will be here along with his roommate and my other two male friends.  No I don't really have female friends, but that is ok. I am glad that I have nice people in my life that are truly special to me.  

I leave you journal with one last thing.  I am so truly thankful that three years ago I met a young man named AJ who invited me to move to Colorado.  The last time I saw him, he told me that he had asked me to move here for a reason, yet he wasn't sure what the reason was.  I know what the reason was, the reason was that he was leading me down a path of new and happy times in my life.  He was the angel sent to me from heaven to guide me to a new beginning.  Although he and I are no longer friends, I most grateful today for having met him, because without that piece of my life, there wouldn't be today, a new Happy Thanksgiving filled with love and good friendships.  I love my new home! I love Colorado! I love my new job! and I love that I can write this post and feel happy in my heart!

I'M THANKFUL FOR HAVING YOU JOURNAL!


Sunday, November 16, 2014

Survivor........

Dear Journal -

I know, shame on me for neglecting you! It isn't so much that I am neglecting, it's more so that nothing really interesting has been happening in my life for me to sit down and write about it.  Life in Colorado is very relaxing and cool and it's pretty darn sweet I must say! I work and spend time with my kids and do nothing else.  I barely go out anymore, I just feel exhausted like I need to do nothing.  And it isn't that I'm physically tired, I mean yes at work I move around a lot, but not so much that I should come home so tired, but I do.  I went to the doctor for the first time in 8 months last week and I found out that I have gained 20 pounds since I've been in Colorado.  I sort of knew that I had stopped caring about myself but I never realized how much.  

I realized a few days ago that I'm depressed, I keep trying to figure out why I'm depressed, but I can't pin point the reason and then yesterday I felt it really bad and I know now what my deep down reason is and his name is AJ.  Today is his birthday and I can't send him a message to wish him a happy birthday.  I will not, but if he ever comes across this post, I want him to know that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him.  Happy Bday AJ! may you have many many more!  I feel sad that he and I cannot be friends, that we do not know how to, that the feelings between us don't allow it.  About two months ago we had a fight and I told him that I was dead to him, and I am.  As much as I miss him I feel that I am better off without him in my life.  Anytime he starts to like some girl he pushes me aside and accuses me of ruining his relationships.  I don't understand how that can be possible.  I think he uses me as an excuse not to fall in love with anyone because he is afraid or maybe he loves me and can't admit it to himself.  I really don't care what the reason is anymore, I am not going to allow anyone to be my friend only when it is convenient for them to have me in their life.  

I am such a loyal person to the people I care about.  I also love him and it is difficult for me to accept that he is with someone else, so I rather stay as far away from him as possible. But I have been feeling really down and missing him so much.  How is he doing? last year we were also not speaking on his bday and I used that as an excuse to call him, we talked and I told him that since this year I would be here for his bday maybe I could take him out to dinner, well, guess not.  I would love to be able to sit with him and talk the way we do, just hang out eat some good food and talk about life, but that is nearly impossible for us to do.

Anyway, back to my 20 pounds.  I decided last night that I am done with being down and done with not caring about my health, so effective tomorrow I am going back to the gym and starting my healthy eating habits again.  I'm really happy that I have my friend JC in my life, he is so sweet.  We talk everyday all day long and it wasn't until last night that I was out with him and his friend, that I realized how jealous he gets sometimes when I talk about this one guy that I sort of like that JC and I work with.  But then I became jealous too when he kept bragging about his best friend that he's had since they were kids.  I was a bit drunk though so it was more the liquor reaction than anything else, I don't think of JC in  a romantic way at all.  I see him as someone who I love as my good friend, who I can talk to about things and who is just a really great person to have in my life.  Of course when I told AJ about him, AJ accused me of being "after" him.  What the hell does AJ know about my relationships with people since he has never truly let me into his life the way a real friend does? I am just some little treasure he has hidden from the world, that he uses when he feels he needs some love.  And of course knowing myself the way that I do, I bet the day if ever that he feels like walking back into my life, I will probably hold him tight and tell him how much I love him, because I do not know how to be fake.   But I won't be holding my breath waiting for anything like that to happen, because I am dead to him as I stated nearly two months ago.  For as long as I can remember he has been telling me that he wants me gone, so that is exactly what I have done, Jazzy is gone.

So starting tomorrow I will try to be more consistent with my writing.  I will be thinking about different topics to write about as to keep you entertained, I will tell you now it probably won't be much about my current life since there isn't much to say, but I do need you journal to keep track of my health, of my weight loss.  I feel like I need you in order to stick to my plan, I don't want to let you down so you will be my rock.  I am ready to get back on track and to fit into my cloths properly, I am ready to be happy again.  I am ready to get back to the gym and give it my all.  It has been a year now that I don't run, and it is so depressing because that was one thing I truly loved, but I am thinking that maybe I will take up swimming instead.  For now, I leave you with this.........


I vow to  you journal that my life will change effective today, that I will no longer eat sloppy and careless.  That every time I think of letting myself go I will think of this promise I make to you and that in a few weeks I will have some wonderful news about how great I feel because I am back in the gym doing what I love, which is working hard to maintain a healthy weight.


Eye of the tiger
By: Survivor


Friday, October 24, 2014

HIGH ALL THE TIME.........

Dear Journal -

The song habits, made me cry the other morning on my way to work and then again a few days later while I was getting ready for work.  The first time it made me cry, was because as I was driving to work and listening to the song, I kept looking at all the beauty that surrounds me during my drive.  Mountains as far as the eye can see.  Beautiful fall colors, amazing animals like brown horses with white patches waging their tails as they enjoy their morning grass.  The fresh air hitting my face and smells of all sorts of nature. I AM SO HAPPY IN COLORADO! I can't even begin to express it.  And I thought of my friend who I met three years ago and told me I should move here and I felt deeply sad that well, It was just an emotional moment.

But the song doesn't really remind me of this me, it more so reminds me of a Jazzy that I once knew.  I young lost confused soul, trying to find happiness in love, trying to find happiness by having someone to give her a reason to live and breath.  So the second time I cried I thought of that Jazzy and of him, my once love Dev and I thought of how he stayed high for years to keep his dad off his mind, the man whom he loved more than life itself, the man he lost when he was only 18 years old.  And like magic we found each other and made a beautiful son who became his new reason, yet not even that could keep that hurt out of his heart and so he had to stay high, high until just recently when he decided that life had more for him and he entered rehab and will come out of their a clean, sober and not afraid man.  Finally he will face reality without anything to take away the pain, he will be ok with everything because he has hurt for so long that, he deserves the happiness that will be coming to him.  I am so proud of the choice he made, the choice of life.

I can go on and on about this but I am really tired and I also don't want to write anything else about him because it's not my place too.  However, I love him immensely and know that he will do this, he will be clean after 20 years.  God I cried so hard with this song!

I don't know how to heal from a broken heart, because I haven't had a true broken heart in many many years.  The last broken heart I had was well.... I don't want to ever write that persons name on my blog ever again, but if you have read my journal you know the name all to well.  That was a really hard broken heart to mend, but here I am alive and well and writing about it.  I guess the only advice I can give at my old age (I'm 43) is, that if you have a broken heart, drugs won't mend it.  Drugs might take away the pain for one, two, three maybe even 20 years, but the only way to truly heal is by facing the hurt, by accepting it and by living day by day like it's your last and hoping that someday somehow, it will be better.  Remember, this too shall pass......

I leave you with......

Habits
by: Tove Lo

p.s. this song reminds me of a song that used to make me cry when I broke up with my son's dad....Dev. 

Bad Girl
By: Madonna





Saturday, October 11, 2014

To Sir With Love

Dear Journal:

I woke up this morning thinking about Psychology and how much I love and miss studying it.  It has been 10 months now since I got my Bachelor's degree and it feels great! I finally feel like I am part of something great.  I feel like I did something that makes me feel happy.  I learned so many wonderful things.  

I was going through some old new emails this morning reading articles on Psychology, and I stumbled upon a poem that I wrote last year when I was about to take one of my last finals in order to complete my four year tenure at Brooklyn College.  I am now living in Colorado and I love it here so much, but I do miss my days at the college, they were definitely unforgettable.

I remember that while I was studying for this one final, I kept thinking that through out those four years I had taken the advice of my favorite professor, and followed his advice on how to study for tests. While I was thinking of him, I came up with the poem below. Thinking of him inspired me! I took him for my introduction to Psychology class and after taking his class, I loved Psychology even more! This poem is dedicated to the best professor ever!


To: Professor Matthew Erdelyi with love.
Poem: Test Time


Test time, crunch time, stress time, book time.

I learned nothing but it's all inside.  Short term memory I no longer have, long term memory a little at a time.

I'll remember something, I'll know a few things, I'll think of professor, my great professor Erdelyi....
He said I could do it regardless of age, he told me get to it don't ever regress.  He believed in me when I no longer could, he took time to sit with me and told me I would....

Remember he said, just read it and learn.  Remember he said the page it is on.  Memorize the colors and the site where you saw it, build a mental picture and I'm sure you will know it.

I know you can do it, I know that you can! Remember how magically you will feel in the end! 

I thank you my Erdelyi for teaching me all! I'll do it, I'll do it! I know that I can! I'll remember pictures and words and the meanings, I'll remember moments and jargon and dreaming!

I know that I will, I will make you real proud! 

Thank you Professor Erdelyi for believing in me! I thank you forever, for standing by me!



Saturday, October 4, 2014

MAPS

Dear Journal -

This song, I love it! it makes me think of something yet I'm not sure who or what.  I feel lost in my heart, and numb and uncaring.  When it comes to romance, my heart is empty and my soul lives because it's eternal.  I had a moment, the moment passed and now it's just the present, and every day I think not of anyone, no one is worth the time to think of them, life is good and all in all I am truly happy.

Maps - Maroon 5