Sunday, September 20, 2020

Little Wonders

 Dear Journal -

When I opened up my laptop and saw the date, the first thing I thought was..... I think today is Ben's bday! (Benjamin Nunez) that's not his name! so I was like, well I'm too lazy to grab my phone and look on FB to see if it is, and I never remember my FB password so can't do that either, so I googled him and of course he popped up everywhere as he has been blogging for years and has many followers and actually gets comments on his blog, not like me I get zero! but I did see that my page view had gone up, which always makes me happy cause it's nice to know that people (hopefully strangers) are curious to read something or that my blog came up on a search or something.  I can't tell who reads my posts but I can tell that there were hits to my blog.  So on the web I found out that he also has a YouTube page and I started to listen to one of his videos and 2 seconds later I was like, well, I don't care and I went onto this blog to start writing this post.  It so weird to me how he doesn't matter to me now but once upon a time he was all I could think about and now he is just another person to me.  He was meaningful though, without him I would not have this blog, he inspired me and that's why here I am still writing! I often get mad at myself because I feel that if I would of stuck to my writing, I would likely have more followers or readers by now and also that I could of thought of so many interesting things to write other than my probably boring life to the masses.

Tonight I'm going to write about my very first experience in my current role, because this story has to be told as it is pretty sad and happens way to often in this world.  My current role is working as a social caseworker, working with justice involved youth.  I am really excited about this role because when I was in my teens, I feel that my HS counselor changed my life and while I cannot at this time say why she changed my life, I can say that the impact she had on my life was pretty meaningful, so I believe that working with youth is meaningful and can be life changing and I only hope that 20 years from now someone can say, this woman Jazzy who was my social worker changed my life! that would be awesome!

So I get my first case and I'm supposed to meet the family so I call the family and talk to the dad and he tells me that he's grateful to get any support he can with his son, who suffers from mental health issues and that he is really out of control and ran away and they have no idea where he is (this is all I can say about the story) I had a long conversation with dad that morning and we agreed that I would meet the family once son was found and back home.  Well, when I reached out to the family the next time, I find out an hour after I message the family to touch base, that the child had passed away presumably from an overdose.  

My reaction to this news was to start to cry really hard! (I didn't get the news from the family, I got it from my boss over an instant message) I was so devastated that a child had just lost his life to drugs! anytime someone dies of a drug overdose it reminds me of the huge problem we have in this country and all over this world with drugs.  It also reminds me of all the people in my personal life I have lost to this horrible disease! I was so sad for this family and felt really weird because this was my first experience in my current role.  That day was rough for me, I kept thinking that I don't know if this is the type of work I want to continue doing, yet I feel that if I left this kind of work, I would probably miss it.  I am not sure but sometimes I just feel that this is what I'm supposed to be doing and that life's journey has brought me here to this moment to this role.

I'm going through many different things right now, so I really like to listen to the song I will post at the end of this post.  I like it so much because it takes me back to my room in my apt. in Brooklyn, where I first started writing this my journal.  This song reminds me that I overcame so much stuff in my life time and that I'm sure that I will overcome so much more.  Some days when I'm really down, I think of those who have taken their own lives and I think to myself, I can understand how sometimes life can be so hard and so challenging and so sad and I can understand almost why you would want to just leave it.  But, do we really know if death will be better than this what we go through here? I hope and pray that if anyone ever feels that way especially a youth that I'm working with, that they can talk to me about it, who knows, I might just direct them to my blog and say...... You want to read about sad shit, check out this blog! sure I mainly post my sob stories, but I assure you I have had so many happy moments as well.  Life is like a wave and you just have to know how to ride it and if you fall, you have to get up and try riding the wave again and again and while you will probably never master it, you will at least learn how to cope.

While I was in my car crying the other day and the song came on, I thought to myself, why am I crying? it could be worse, I could of just lost my 16 year old son! and that made me cry even harder because I will never know what that poor family must be going through and how they must be blaming themselves about what happened.  I only hope that they will not break apart and that they will find comfort in each other.  I hope that this angel is resting somewhere beautiful and that maybe there is a better place that we go to when our time is here.

I leave you with.................

Friday, September 18, 2020

The School of Practical Philosophy take II!

 Dear Journal -

On Wednesday I started a new virtual class at the School of Practical Philosophy! I'm so excited that I'm able to take this 10 week class again after all these years 9 to be exact.  That seems so long ago yet not really.  During the first class, we talked about a few topics but the one that I remembered most was the practice of saying "what would a wise person do?" listening to that brought me back to 9 years ago and I broke down in tears.  

When I attended the school back then, I mainly did so because I knew Benjamin (that's not his real name) would be attending the classes, at that point I had not seen him in a few years and when I did, I remember I had to run out to central park during my break to cry.  I feel that my life has been filled with so much sadness when it comes to love, it almost makes you want to give up on it, but then I remember that not everyone is the same and that sometimes you have to experience great hurt, to appreciate great love when it does come to your life.

I did cry during the first session reminiscing on a love that I once knew.  The love that was so great that it took me years to overcome, but here I am writing about it once again and feeling ok, and knowing that I did in fact move on from that heart ache.  The other day or maybe a few months ago, I was looking at Ben's FB page (we are not friends but he's sort of a public figure so he writes about technology and posts on FB, Twitter etc.) anyway, I had not done that in a really long time but every now and then I like to check to see how he's doing, in a very weird way he was a very significant part of my life and some days I wonder if our paths will ever cross again.  So I'm looking at his posts and he had posted a song that he had posted way back when we played our virtual mind games and for a brief moment I thought, is this for me? and I was so tempted to post something back almost to say hey I'm still watching or hey, I see what you did or hey look, I still think of you from time to time, but then I decided that those games we played were more hurtful than great.  

I wonder if other people have played the game he and I did, I know he was playing it with me, because when we were both attending the School of Practical Philosophy we were having a conversation where I referenced something I had posted on FB and his response to that almost automatically without thinking it through was "oh I saw that!" he and I were not friends on FB so for him to say that meant he did look at my stuff he saw my responses and he played the game with me.  Another day he said to me, it was SO HARD not responding to your text sometimes and I thought, then why didn't you? The best thing that came out of all those games was this journal, this journal means so much to me and I'm happy to be back sitting with my laptop and writing, I feel inspired and motivated and think that I want to take another writing class or join a writing group or something that will keep me doing this what I love to do!

When I think back about why I left NYC, I know now that I left because I felt defeated, I've been feeling defeated again lately, luckily I have this journal, great people in my life and a bunch of coping strategies to help me through my difficult times, but sometimes I definitely see how life can really be hard when you don't have any of those things or none.  I see how our minds can be so manipulative and how we can tell ourselves things that aren't even true because we are our worst critiques.  

Journal, going back to the School of Practical Philosophy has made me miss home so badly! if I could go back tomorrow I would.  I wish I could even just go for a long visit, I just miss my Brooklyn so much! I am looking forward to reminding myself before I act, "what would a wise person do" and hopefully figure out ways to cope with the things that life throws at us everyday!

Here are the posts I wrote about the school before:

Wednesday, September 16, 2020

The man from B5 still haunts me!

 Dear journal -

I feel like it's safe to say that we all FB stalk every now and then, I had been off from FB for a really long time and then I got back on and sometimes I enjoy it but I don't feel that I go on it as much as I did years ago because I just like Twitter better. But yesterday I was having a really rough day and for some reason I thought about the man in B5 Wilferm! (that's not his real name) but he did tell me once that I could use that name as his alias for my blog.  Anyway, he doesn't have a FB page or maybe he does I feel like I found something weird that he would do so it might be his, but either way, I know names of people in his family so I looked up someone's name hoping that maybe they had posted a picture of my old friend and that maybe I could see him.  

WELL, to my surprise the person I looked up had posted pictures of their wedding, which I recall the wedding because the wedding was when he and I were friends and him and I had talked about it and he had told me he was part of the wedding party.  When I looked at the pictures and saw him in one of those old wedding pictures I thought to myself....... WOW! He was truly the man I would of never left NYC for! I swear that the connection I felt with him was so unreal and I wish he would of seen what I did, but such is life! 

I once told him I did that, you know looked up his family on FB and he got annoyed at me, I'm not sure why he was annoyed, I wasn't stalking them I simply missed my friend and wanted to see if I could know something about him, we are human that is what we do sometimes.  I don't talk to him anymore but there are SO MANY TIMES when I want to message him so badly and say hello, but I'm afraid he won't respond and I just don't feel like feeling like shit.  I saved the picture that I saw of him on my phone because the next person I fall in love with, is going to look just like him and is going to have similar traits.  He is tall thin and has dark hair dark brown eyes and the most amazing lips that I got to kiss and that was fun! He has a pretty cool family, they just all seem so chill.  I remember him telling me that his mom was a hippie and she seems like she is and that's pretty darn cool!

No matter how many heart breaks you go through journal, there is always that memory of the people that you've met that should set the standard for what you want.  I lost myself in a world of lies and deceit and heartache and pain, but I always come back better! I KNOW that my one is out there with all the wrong girls, and one day we will meet.  Who knows, maybe one day Wilferm will come to his senses and contact me again! IMAGINE? I would move back to Brooklyn in a NYC minute if that ever happened! one can wish and dream and hope, this is my journal and I'll wish if I want to!

Ps. tomorrow I start virtual School of Practical Philosophy and I cannot wait!!! so exciting!

Sunday, June 7, 2020

So Hard To Say Goodbye to Yesterday

Dear Journal -

It's been so long, I don't even know where to start.  I guess I can start by saying that life has been so complicated and different for me in the past few years, that I sort of lost myself in a way that I don't know how to explain and that so much has happened that I don't even know where I would start.  

I lived in Oregon for two years or 1 year and 11 months to be exact, for the most part I was pretty happy there, my oldest son who is in the military was stationed in Washington about 2 hours from me, so I was seeing him about once a month and it was so great! I loved being close to him because we had been living apart for 4 years since I had moved from NYC to CO and being close to him made me feel really happy, but then in December of 2019 he left to Europe on a military assignment and after he was gone, things just didn't seem the same.  The day that he left, I couldn't get up from bed because I was so extremely depressed, I had to call out from work because I literally couldn't get up, so after that day I began to think of life and try and figure out what was next for me.  

While I was there in Oregon, I was in a relationship with the same person I had been in a relationship with since I lived in CO, he went with me to OR because that is where he also wanted to be, so at the time it was a win win situation for me, my partner was happy to go to OR and I was happy to go also because I would be close to my son.  However, my relationship was less than perfect and while I was in OR my partner lost his best friend.  I have never had to experience someone loosing someone and loosing themselves in the process and I can't even get into it right now because I have a pretty bad headache, but I will say this, in my mind I could not grasp why he was taking out on me the fact that he had lost his friend, I had not done anything to him or at least I didn't think I had.  Nonetheless, I tried to be supportive in anyway that I could knowing that nothing I did or would do would change the way he felt or the way he was treating me.

In January of 2020 I visited my granddaughter in CO during my visit, I also lost my grandmother. Loosing her was pretty hard but I was expecting it so it wasn't a shock to my system it was sort of a relief to know that she would finally stop her suffering.  My grandma, she remembered us all until her dying day.  After that happened, I decided that I needed to move back because I just felt that I needed to be closer to my granddaughter and younger son.  

I went back to OR and told my partner that I had made this decision and he let me know he would not be going back with me.  So much has happened but I don't really want to get into the details.  The reason why I'm writing this post is because I need to get all this out of my system.  I'm writing this post because my partner started off by saying he wouldn't go back with me and then he said he would and then not and then yes and I lived with this uncertainty for 4 months.  Finally right as I had everything ready, I was proposed to and assured that he would go with me because he loved me and didn't want to loose me.  Fast forward to now, 3 weeks into being back in CO and the hesitation of him coming started again, so what did I do? I let him go.  

Dear journal, if you love someone you let them go, if you believe that they will be happy somewhere and that somewhere is not next to you then it's ok, you accept.  I'm writing because I'm numb, one moment I'm hurt the next I try to use logic to understand why this is all ok, and the next I'm completely heart broken because someone asked me to trust him, someone asked me to marry him and that same someone couldn't make it out to me because after he lost his friend he lost himself and hasn't been able to get back to a place of inner happiness and inner peace and to be honest I'm done trying as I cannot make anyone that isn't happy be happy just by being there, or doing what he needs so that he can be happy.  Being someone's significant other doesn't mean making that person happy, or being the reason they are happy; it means making their happy life happier.  I'm sorry I couldn't make his life happier, I'm sorry he hurt me and I'm sorry that I won't have him in my life anymore,  but I'm not sorry that I'm back in CO and that I did what I needed to do for me.  Life is hard, life is just hard!

Friday, February 22, 2019

I'm way to good at goodbye's

Dear Journal -

If I'm good at goodbye's, then why is this goodbye so hard? I don't think I have struggled with anything in such a long time as I have struggled with my most recent break up, last night I had some friends over my apartment and we were talking about my struggles, the funny thing is that one of the friends that were there was my ex boyfriend of two years ago, who I had a very good relationship with and who I truly care about as a person and a friend, and we were saying how him and I had such a cool relationship and how I always trusted him and how unfortunately things didn't work out because we didn't want the same things but how it's so cool that we can still be friends.

Life changes journal.  This post was originally written on Dec. 2017. 

Sunday, September 23, 2018

Hippie Hill 2017-FB the devil

Hell! I don't even know how to start journal! but I've been given permission by my current love that I can share our story! YAY while it's been hard, painful, complicated, it's definitely been a story that shouldn't be kept a secret, yet I've tried to keep it a secret because I didn't want the world to know what I've been going through.  But when I look back and see all the trials and tribulations that have bought us here, I feel that it's only fair to share with you my ever so faithful journal, because these are the true events of my true life story and one day when I'm gone I want someone anyone to look back at these pages and feel a sense of comfort that with my words I will always and forever live :) like Freud! (lol, wishful thinking journal). Anyway, although I don't post I still write so here is my journal from April, 2017 when I went with my current boyfriend to hippie hill in fabulous, San Francisco, California!

Whenever  I get really angry and emotional, it's probably the only time I should not say a thing to my love and wait till I cool off; but I just don't know how to do that. I blew up on him while in the airport and wanted to cry and all sorts of things, because that's how hurt I felt. Now I'm a bit more calm but still feeling really hurt by him and the fact that he first went on FB before checking up on me.  I get that we are all addicted to Facebook! the fascination of feeling close to people virtually is uncontrollable, the feeling of acceptance by how many likes you get, the sense of community and being liked, all on your phone, right there for immediate gratification, I understand all that. What I don't understand, is how you say you love someone and the minute you are up you aren't wondering if the person you love is ok, on their way, what is going on with this person who I can actually touch, kiss, hug and makes me feel loved. I constantly feel with my love  as if I'm competing for him. I feel like I have to compete with other women, his family, his friends, everything! I know he loves me and I don't question that, but I also know that I'm not his number one. When you are number one, you are first in someone's mind first thing in the morning, you let family down for them, you turn away from your friends if that's what it takes to be with this person.

 I recognize also that it's not healthy nor cool for me to ask someone to do all those things for me, I don't want him to turn his back on family, I don't want him to turn away from his friends. All I wanted on this trip was a little time with the person I love, a little time away from the norm, some quality time somewhere different. Instead, I'm getting nothing but heart ache and anxiety, is that fair to me? What lengths would I go through for him? What lengths would he go through, for me? There is an unevenness that I don't like. But all this to me is a learning experience, I'm learning that I need to not give so much but only what I get. I need to make friends, go out, I need to stop making him my world, because I'm going to end up hurt.

I don't know what will happen when I get off this plane, I will take it one step at a time, and while I said that being alone for a day was a good thing, I realize now that I only said that to make myself feel better because the man I love couldn't make time for just me. It hurts my heart that I'm not in the same category as everyone else in his life. What then, do I do moving forward? Is it time to start moving on emotionally and slowly letting go? Because my heart hurts and my stomach hurts and I'm anxious and this all does not feel good, it's not cool at all.

End of entry.................
Since this happened a year ago journal, I can tell you the end of this particular story...........

My love and I met after me breaking up with him and him insisting that I was his number one priority.  I love him so much! I was so mad and I didn't tell him where I was in San Francisco and then after numerous messages I finally told him and he came to meet up with me with his child hood friends! which to me, meant that he wanted me to be in his life so much so, that he wanted me to meet the most important people in his life! his childhood friends!...... stay tuned journal so much more to come..... My love and I have been through so much! BUT....... we love each other! and this is just the beginning of this story!.... 

Thursday, December 14, 2017

If only I still believed

Dear journal -

It is with deep sadness in my heart that I report to you that my relationship of a year and three months has come to an end, and while it's been now over for a while, it is only now that I can bring myself to type those words, it is definitely over.  I once asked Chino (that's not his real name and he isn't Chinese or Hispanic) if he would be ok with me writing about him or our relationship, and he said that would be ok, however, I never did because a part of me had become lazy and comfortable and always felt like there wasn't much to say about it and if we were going through difficulties, I didn't want others to know about it. 

Now that it is over, I have nothing to say but so much to say all at once.  I guess I can start by telling you journal that I'm deeply hurt, and while this break up is amicable and almost a mutual agreement, I also feel that he didn't give us a fair chance, that when things got tough for him (he had some family issues) he almost took out those issues on our relationship and found anything bad that he could to give up on us.  I have to admit that I had my part in it obviously, and I am in no way blaming him for it all, but I do feel like I got a little bit of the shitty end of the stick.  The hardest part about it all is that we are broken up still sleeping in the same bed, and this is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my whole life! not because I yearn to touch him or kiss him, because I focus so much on this is over, that I don't feel like I want to do any of that, but because he is still there right next to me and I can no longer call him mine.  What did that ever even mean? is anyone truly ever ours? is the simple fact that we share a mutual feeling for one another the sole reason to believe that the person is yours?

I always ask questions that I neither am going to have answers for nor am I going to probably get answers for, but isn't that what life is all about? asking questions and trying to find answers? I guess that's the philosophy side of me that asks, I wish I could of met Plato, he was so amazing! anyway, I started to write this post 2 months ago and couldn't finish it, it was really hard to write about all that I have been going through, but now I feel like I need to write, because writing will be what will make me feel more like me again.  I think the reason why I initially started to write this post was because back then when I was going through all these emotions as I laid in bed with someone who turned out to be a lying cheating fake, I used to so badly wish that I was still religious, I kept feeling like I had no one to ask to help me take the pain away, I kept wishing that I still believed that there is something so powerful out there that it takes it all away, that it helps you through it, I remember when I had a faith, I remember I was taught to give the ever so powerful lord all my problems and he would take them all away, I used to say here are my problems lord, but nothing ever happened, the problems would still be there, but it felt good to put them out there to this great spiritual being that would take them away.  I don't beat anyone for their beliefs as I feel that having faith in anything is better than being like me, I guess an atheist? not really sure what I am or believe in anymore.  But I'm finishing up this post today because I have a few drafts on my blog that I have neglected, and it's time to start putting my life out there again, because nothing matters anymore, I've given up on hope, love, hurt, sadness and every sort of emotion I can think of.  Why? because life is sometimes better when you believe that there's nothing other than an empty space inside of you.

I'll end this post by saying that when you loose someone you love, you also loose your memories of all the good, and only the bad things stay inside and that really sucks............


Little Wonders

 Dear Journal - When I opened up my laptop and saw the date, the first thing I thought was..... I think today is Ben's bday! (Benjamin N...