Thursday, November 27, 2014

Thanksgiving 2014

Dear Journal:

As I lay on my bed writing this post I can't seem to help getting a little melancholic about so many painful Thanksgiving days in my past.  But there were also some amazing ones.  In 2005 on Thanksgiving day my ex husband arrived in America ready to start his new life in the land where dreams can become a reality, he was ready to start a new life with his wife and son.  I remember that I picked him up from the airport and we went straight to the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade, that was one of the few times I went to the parade, because as nice as that parade is, it's always so crowded and usually so cold, it isn't something I enjoyed doing much.  We had a few Thanksgivings together after that, but our marriage ended in 2007 and I have been having single Thanksgivings ever since.

I want to write about the bad things for some reason, or the sad things.  Maybe today will be the first day of my future always happy Thanksgivings and I have to write about the bad ones so that I can let them go.  I want to first write about the Thanksgiving in 2008 when I told he who must not be named on my blog anymore, that I was in love with him.  It was the day before Thanksgiving and he's response broke my heart.  Yes that was a really long time ago, but it still makes me sad that after that time, we were never ever friends again.  Yes, after that we exchanged a  few words, took some classes together and even shared one last good bye hug, yet every Thanksgiving after that I always recall that day before Thanksgiving when through an email I told him that I was in love with him and his response was that his feelings for me where only of friendship, except he wasn't such a good friend after all because soon after that I found out he had a girlfriend he had failed to mention to me for months.  I will never ever understand what that whole lying thing was about, but I do know in my heart that I made a huge difference in his life and that in his own way, he loved me back just as much as I loved him.   He is currently engaged and there is no part of me that regrets that pure love I felt in my heart for him.  I am also happy that I can write this without not one tear.  I do feel sad as I share this story, but not as sad as I felt on that Thanksgiving day when he sent me a text message the day after I had told him how I felt, to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving! how could it be happy, when I wasn't sharing that day with the person I loved.

In 2012, I really liked my neighbor back in Brooklyn.  That day I told him I was going to be making potato salad for my family gathering and he wished me luck because he knew I didn't like cooking much.  Later that morning, we bumped into each other right outside our building.  I remember being ever so grateful that I had just done my hair and that I looked all dolled up.  I could tell he was pleased with the sight before him.  The way we exchanged looks always felt deep.  That evening he sent me a message when he got back from his parents house inviting me over to his apartment for some left over desert he had brought back with him.  As badly as I wanted to go, I said no because I was already in my pajamas and I had to work the day after.  Til this day I regret that decision! I know that had I gone to his apartment that evening, we would have made love, or at the very least we would have made "like a lot" because by this point my feelings for him were so strong, that I wanted nothing more than to be with him.  But I said no, and that was the very last time I had the opportunity to be in his arms.  This morning when I woke up I thought about him and I missed him, as I am writing this paragraph tears are rolling down my cheek! I miss my neighbor.

Today is a day when you are thankful for so many things, and although I have sad memories about Thanksgiving past, I am still truly grateful for all the wonderful things that are going on in my life currently.  I have made so many wonderful new friends in my new home in Colorado, that today I am making my first full Thanksgiving dinner in more that 8 years I believe.  My second turkey ever in my life.  Why am I cooking? I am cooking because I have some really sweet friends coming over this afternoon to share with me my first Thanksgiving in Colorado.  My friend JC will be here along with his roommate and my other two male friends.  No I don't really have female friends, but that is ok. I am glad that I have nice people in my life that are truly special to me.  

I leave you journal with one last thing.  I am so truly thankful that three years ago I met a young man named AJ who invited me to move to Colorado.  The last time I saw him, he told me that he had asked me to move here for a reason, yet he wasn't sure what the reason was.  I know what the reason was, the reason was that he was leading me down a path of new and happy times in my life.  He was the angel sent to me from heaven to guide me to a new beginning.  Although he and I are no longer friends, I most grateful today for having met him, because without that piece of my life, there wouldn't be today, a new Happy Thanksgiving filled with love and good friendships.  I love my new home! I love Colorado! I love my new job! and I love that I can write this post and feel happy in my heart!

I'M THANKFUL FOR HAVING YOU JOURNAL!


Sunday, November 16, 2014

Survivor........

Dear Journal -

I know, shame on me for neglecting you! It isn't so much that I am neglecting, it's more so that nothing really interesting has been happening in my life for me to sit down and write about it.  Life in Colorado is very relaxing and cool and it's pretty darn sweet I must say! I work and spend time with my kids and do nothing else.  I barely go out anymore, I just feel exhausted like I need to do nothing.  And it isn't that I'm physically tired, I mean yes at work I move around a lot, but not so much that I should come home so tired, but I do.  I went to the doctor for the first time in 8 months last week and I found out that I have gained 20 pounds since I've been in Colorado.  I sort of knew that I had stopped caring about myself but I never realized how much.  

I realized a few days ago that I'm depressed, I keep trying to figure out why I'm depressed, but I can't pin point the reason and then yesterday I felt it really bad and I know now what my deep down reason is and his name is AJ.  Today is his birthday and I can't send him a message to wish him a happy birthday.  I will not, but if he ever comes across this post, I want him to know that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him.  Happy Bday AJ! may you have many many more!  I feel sad that he and I cannot be friends, that we do not know how to, that the feelings between us don't allow it.  About two months ago we had a fight and I told him that I was dead to him, and I am.  As much as I miss him I feel that I am better off without him in my life.  Anytime he starts to like some girl he pushes me aside and accuses me of ruining his relationships.  I don't understand how that can be possible.  I think he uses me as an excuse not to fall in love with anyone because he is afraid or maybe he loves me and can't admit it to himself.  I really don't care what the reason is anymore, I am not going to allow anyone to be my friend only when it is convenient for them to have me in their life.  

I am such a loyal person to the people I care about.  I also love him and it is difficult for me to accept that he is with someone else, so I rather stay as far away from him as possible. But I have been feeling really down and missing him so much.  How is he doing? last year we were also not speaking on his bday and I used that as an excuse to call him, we talked and I told him that since this year I would be here for his bday maybe I could take him out to dinner, well, guess not.  I would love to be able to sit with him and talk the way we do, just hang out eat some good food and talk about life, but that is nearly impossible for us to do.

Anyway, back to my 20 pounds.  I decided last night that I am done with being down and done with not caring about my health, so effective tomorrow I am going back to the gym and starting my healthy eating habits again.  I'm really happy that I have my friend JC in my life, he is so sweet.  We talk everyday all day long and it wasn't until last night that I was out with him and his friend, that I realized how jealous he gets sometimes when I talk about this one guy that I sort of like that JC and I work with.  But then I became jealous too when he kept bragging about his best friend that he's had since they were kids.  I was a bit drunk though so it was more the liquor reaction than anything else, I don't think of JC in  a romantic way at all.  I see him as someone who I love as my good friend, who I can talk to about things and who is just a really great person to have in my life.  Of course when I told AJ about him, AJ accused me of being "after" him.  What the hell does AJ know about my relationships with people since he has never truly let me into his life the way a real friend does? I am just some little treasure he has hidden from the world, that he uses when he feels he needs some love.  And of course knowing myself the way that I do, I bet the day if ever that he feels like walking back into my life, I will probably hold him tight and tell him how much I love him, because I do not know how to be fake.   But I won't be holding my breath waiting for anything like that to happen, because I am dead to him as I stated nearly two months ago.  For as long as I can remember he has been telling me that he wants me gone, so that is exactly what I have done, Jazzy is gone.

So starting tomorrow I will try to be more consistent with my writing.  I will be thinking about different topics to write about as to keep you entertained, I will tell you now it probably won't be much about my current life since there isn't much to say, but I do need you journal to keep track of my health, of my weight loss.  I feel like I need you in order to stick to my plan, I don't want to let you down so you will be my rock.  I am ready to get back on track and to fit into my cloths properly, I am ready to be happy again.  I am ready to get back to the gym and give it my all.  It has been a year now that I don't run, and it is so depressing because that was one thing I truly loved, but I am thinking that maybe I will take up swimming instead.  For now, I leave you with this.........


I vow to  you journal that my life will change effective today, that I will no longer eat sloppy and careless.  That every time I think of letting myself go I will think of this promise I make to you and that in a few weeks I will have some wonderful news about how great I feel because I am back in the gym doing what I love, which is working hard to maintain a healthy weight.


Eye of the tiger
By: Survivor


Friday, October 24, 2014

HIGH ALL THE TIME.........

Dear Journal -

The song habits, made me cry the other morning on my way to work and then again a few days later while I was getting ready for work.  The first time it made me cry, was because as I was driving to work and listening to the song, I kept looking at all the beauty that surrounds me during my drive.  Mountains as far as the eye can see.  Beautiful fall colors, amazing animals like brown horses with white patches waging their tails as they enjoy their morning grass.  The fresh air hitting my face and smells of all sorts of nature. I AM SO HAPPY IN COLORADO! I can't even begin to express it.  And I thought of my friend who I met three years ago and told me I should move here and I felt deeply sad that well, It was just an emotional moment.

But the song doesn't really remind me of this me, it more so reminds me of a Jazzy that I once knew.  I young lost confused soul, trying to find happiness in love, trying to find happiness by having someone to give her a reason to live and breath.  So the second time I cried I thought of that Jazzy and of him, my once love Dev and I thought of how he stayed high for years to keep his dad off his mind, the man whom he loved more than life itself, the man he lost when he was only 18 years old.  And like magic we found each other and made a beautiful son who became his new reason, yet not even that could keep that hurt out of his heart and so he had to stay high, high until just recently when he decided that life had more for him and he entered rehab and will come out of their a clean, sober and not afraid man.  Finally he will face reality without anything to take away the pain, he will be ok with everything because he has hurt for so long that, he deserves the happiness that will be coming to him.  I am so proud of the choice he made, the choice of life.

I can go on and on about this but I am really tired and I also don't want to write anything else about him because it's not my place too.  However, I love him immensely and know that he will do this, he will be clean after 20 years.  God I cried so hard with this song!

I don't know how to heal from a broken heart, because I haven't had a true broken heart in many many years.  The last broken heart I had was well.... I don't want to ever write that persons name on my blog ever again, but if you have read my journal you know the name all to well.  That was a really hard broken heart to mend, but here I am alive and well and writing about it.  I guess the only advice I can give at my old age (I'm 43) is, that if you have a broken heart, drugs won't mend it.  Drugs might take away the pain for one, two, three maybe even 20 years, but the only way to truly heal is by facing the hurt, by accepting it and by living day by day like it's your last and hoping that someday somehow, it will be better.  Remember, this too shall pass......

I leave you with......

Habits
by: Tove Lo

p.s. this song reminds me of a song that used to make me cry when I broke up with my son's dad....Dev. 

Bad Girl
By: Madonna





Saturday, October 11, 2014

To Sir With Love

Dear Journal:

I woke up this morning thinking about Psychology and how much I love and miss studying it.  It has been 10 months now since I got my Bachelor's degree and it feels great! I finally feel like I am part of something great.  I feel like I did something that makes me feel happy.  I learned so many wonderful things.  

I was going through some old new emails this morning reading articles on Psychology, and I stumbled upon a poem that I wrote last year when I was about to take one of my last finals in order to complete my four year tenure at Brooklyn College.  I am now living in Colorado and I love it here so much, but I do miss my days at the college, they were definitely unforgettable.

I remember that while I was studying for this one final, I kept thinking that through out those four years I had taken the advice of my favorite professor, and followed his advice on how to study for tests. While I was thinking of him, I came up with the poem below. Thinking of him inspired me! I took him for my introduction to Psychology class and after taking his class, I loved Psychology even more! This poem is dedicated to the best professor ever!


To: Professor Matthew Erdelyi with love.
Poem: Test Time


Test time, crunch time, stress time, book time.

I learned nothing but it's all inside.  Short term memory I no longer have, long term memory a little at a time.

I'll remember something, I'll know a few things, I'll think of professor, my great professor Erdelyi....
He said I could do it regardless of age, he told me get to it don't ever regress.  He believed in me when I no longer could, he took time to sit with me and told me I would....

Remember he said, just read it and learn.  Remember he said the page it is on.  Memorize the colors and the site where you saw it, build a mental picture and I'm sure you will know it.

I know you can do it, I know that you can! Remember how magically you will feel in the end! 

I thank you my Erdelyi for teaching me all! I'll do it, I'll do it! I know that I can! I'll remember pictures and words and the meanings, I'll remember moments and jargon and dreaming!

I know that I will, I will make you real proud! 

Thank you Professor Erdelyi for believing in me! I thank you forever, for standing by me!



Saturday, October 4, 2014

MAPS

Dear Journal -

This song, I love it! it makes me think of something yet I'm not sure who or what.  I feel lost in my heart, and numb and uncaring.  When it comes to romance, my heart is empty and my soul lives because it's eternal.  I had a moment, the moment passed and now it's just the present, and every day I think not of anyone, no one is worth the time to think of them, life is good and all in all I am truly happy.

Maps - Maroon 5




Sunday, September 14, 2014

Black Widow Baby!



I'm gonna love ya Until you hate me (Right) And I'm gonna show ya (show 'em what show 'em what) what's really crazy.

You should've known better than to mess with me, honey (it's all over with now)
I'm gonna love ya, I'm gonna love ya Gonna love ya, gonna love ya like a black widow baby

Black, black widow baby........





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3u22OYqFGo

Friday, September 12, 2014

Hit the road jack.......

Dear Journal -

Dare I tell all that goes on in my mind without wondering if prying eyes will ever see what my mind has to share with thee? or should I let myself just spill out all that goes on in the deepest of my mind? his name is Mc M! and I have the pleasure of seeing him every single day and I bet he feels that way also! you know, he feels like he has the pleasure of seeing me also! but that is all that ever happens, we simply see one another.......

It all started four months ago when I started working at my new job, he would always walk past my desk and not even look in my direction, the very first time I noticed him I didn't really think much of him, I just thought he was a bit conceded, which he kind of has reason to be, young around 28 years old, handsome, and making bank! yup, I guess if I was young handsome and making a shit load of money I would probably act that way also, well, maybe not because that isn't my nature.  Regardless, I thought he was cute but never really gave it a second thought.  One day though, there was a training going on in the facility where I work (I am currently working for an oil and gas company) totally different industry than I am used to.  Anyway, there was a training going on and I decided that week that I was going to start wearing some eye make up and doing my hair differently.  The training class began and I kept feeling like someone was staring at me, you know that feeling? and sure enough, when I turned to look, it was him! Mr. Mc M! We looked into each others eyes and I believe that is the moment when the lust, mental love affair began! after that day for some reason we just started talking, I can't even remember why, but we did and the next thing I knew, we were texting each other and trying to find ways to talk to each other in the hallways of the company whenever we could.  I went to NYC to visit and the whole time I was there he and I were texting each other, but then something went wrong, somewhere somehow something disconnected and the next thing I knew, we were no longer communicating via text messages.  He was promoted to a new position and I feel as if he was sucked into it so much, he just got absorbed by the whole thing.

It has been six months now, and I will tell you that there were times in the past where he displayed such  acts of jealousy when he saw me talking to the other men in the office, that it almost made me nervous that someone would notice his behavior, but nothing ever happened, it was as if something cut things off for us and it just sucked away all our interest in each other.  I see him everyday though and I do love him so very much (as my friend) but there is nothing in me that makes me desire him like I once did, yet sometimes our eyes meet when we talk and it feels like we missed out on something.  Life at the office has become complicated, and we both are sort of focused on our careers, we now talk to each other on a different level, and things changed, but it was a fun small emotional ride there for a little while.  I do tend to loose interest really fast in the opposite sex lately, I almost feel empty numb, sort of like the tin man, no heart no more, no desire to love.

By the way journal, the other day I found out the once love of mine, the one who inspired me to write again and inspired this journal, is getting married! yup! I am not feeling any sort of way about it, but it bothers me that I can't wish him the best, for the first time in my life I am so hateful that I am seriously disappointed in myself.  I can't honestly say that I am happy for him and wish him the best, so I won't say anything at all.  Deep in my heart I keep thinking that he is living a lie, maybe I like to make up fairy tale stories in my mind to feel better about the fact that he is marrying another woman.  I don't care, I don't care and I don't care.  I have no expression or no sadness about it or no pain, no just a few tears rolling down my cheek as I write this post.  I remember always telling him when I wrote him those 500 letters that he never responded to, that I wished with all my heart that the day he decided to get married, I would no longer love him, because I don't think I would be able to handle it.  Lucky for me my heart is no longer his, and so it wasn't as devastating.....

Journal, I often wonder how Wilferm is doing.... He was my neighbor in Brooklyn.  I miss Brooklyn! not enough to move back, but I do miss it fondly!  Anyway journal, all in all life is good! and I have learned something so amazing in these last few years, and what I learned was that if someone isn't giving you the type of love whether it be friendship love or romantic love the way you give to them, if you are constantly the giver and not receiving anything back........ then that person needs to hit the road! who the fuck needs people who are blood suckers! I believe in give and take! and that's how I am rolling these days!

So yeah........ No love from Mc M! but it's nice to have someone to look at everyday..... if I only had a heart!