Thursday, December 30, 2010

That man made me cry!

I ran into the bathroom to cry yet again, because this class was kicking my butt and all I could think of was, why does this man challenge me.  As I was standing there sobbing confused and scared in walked this young woman who asked me if I was ok, I didn’t know her and for some strange reason, her asking me that question just made me sob harder.  I began telling her how my computer professor really hated me and constantly got annoyed at my questions,  how I felt like he challenged me because he didn’t think I was smart enough.  I could tell that she felt my pain, she gave me some tissue and told me that she knew exactly how I felt and how I could go to my academic advisor and find someone I could talk to about my feelings regarding the class and the professor.  I knew deep down inside that I wasn’t only crying about this specific class and about the fact that I thought my professor was being unfair with me.  I knew deep down, that I was crying about everything.  What was I doing there?
Being a student at 39 years old with 3 children is really tough.  I often wonder, what am I doing? I feel like a bad mom because I am not with my children as much as I should be, I wonder if what I’m doing is for my kids, is it to prove a point or is it because it’s my dream that I need to fulfill.  

When I was 20 years old I was accepted into John Jay college of criminal justice, I was supposed to study Forensic Psychology.  I was so excited because I really wanted to go to school and get a degree, I had done it all on my own, no one encouraged me to go to school or backed me up It was all on my own initiative.  I was alone in NYC, my parents had left to my country to live their lives, and I stayed behind taking care of myself, being on my own at 18.  
The day I went to John Jay to register, I went with my then boyfriend, we got into a huge fight because he refused to stand in line with me to register for classes.  It was a hot summer afternoon and the line was really long.  He was so upset, he walked away from me and me, instead of letting him leave, I went after him, walking away from  the line and leaving my dream behind me, I never went back to John Jay college.  So here I am now 19 years later crying in a bathroom because at 20 I didn’t know better, I wasn’t mature enough to make the right choices, I was alone and scared.  I still feel alone and scared sometimes, but the difference now is, i’m not afraid to follow my dream I know I can do it this time, yet there are days that I want to just run away throw down my books and give up.
But then there are the people like the girl in the bathroom and the wonderful people I meet every semester in every class I take that encourage me every step of the way, and the co-workers and friends who tell me that I can do it, and my children that are patient and understanding and my mother who helps me every step of the way.  These are the people that I want to thank, these are the people that make a difference and give me the courage to keep going.  Together they make me strong.  The kind gesture and sympathy of a total stranger gave me the strength that day to keep moving forward.  
I study on my lunch break, on the train, on the weekends, even in my dreams.  I study because I want to, because I feel like I need to, because at the end of every semester I feel a sense of accomplishment and because I owe it to myself and my children to make it happen.  I believe that it is never too late to make one’s dream come true.  However, I could never do it without those people who have held my hand, pushed me and told me that I can do it.
So yes, that professor made me cry and I was loosing my hair from stress and getting really sick.  But at the end I think it wasn’t him that was challenging me, I think I constantly challenge myself.  I was upset because I wasn’t doing as good as I knew I could, I was angry because I don’t handle getting low grades well.  But I learned that semester that I can only do, the best that I can, and that that is ok, because I am fulfilling my dream.  It is never to late to do what we really want to do, and If I can do it, anyone can.  All it takes is the desire to make it happen.  

I have a long way to go still and I will probably cry many more times, and continue to challenge myself.  But I will continue to try my hardest, because I know that with the help and support of those who care about me, I will be able to do it.
Thank you.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Indentify your child’s talent and support it!

Julissa and I, would stand in front of the large mirrors in my living room and choreograph steps to Sugar Hill Gangs brand new hip hop song.  Yes you read it correctly, SUGAR HILL.  Sugar Hill Gang, was the very first rap group, this group opened the doors to a multi million dollar industry that has evolved beyond recognition.  At that time, I was about 9 and so was Julissa my Panamanian best friend.  Her and I loved the group and the song, lover’s delight, we knew every word and made steps up for every beat.  I remember we had bought matching pants, because her and I were going to be dancers.  
When I was about 11 I joined tap dancing in school, I was in the Glee club, then I was in a baton twirling team I learned how to play the guitar briefly, I went to acting classes one summer, joined the cheerleader team in Junior HS and finally in HS I joined the gymnastics team.   As I write this I think, damn I can’t believe I did all of that stuff, but when you are that young you don’t even feel like your doing so many things, and to me, all these things came naturally, I felt the music in my body I wanted to sing dance and do somersaults.  My grandparents use to tell me, that when I was about 4 years old, I would grab a rope and start singing a Spanish song that was really popular and that no matter what song would play on the radio, I would just start dancing.  
I think that any one of these talents could of been further developed, but I strongly believe that the lack of support from my parents, was what discouraged me to want to pursue and further explore my natural talent.  When I think back at any of these activities that I partook in, I don’t really remember that my parents were very supportive of any one of them.  I do remember that they would pay for whatever tools I needed for the schools activities and my mom would take me from Brooklyn all the way to Queens which back then seemed to be in another world, so that I could take my acting lessons, and yes they allowed me to stay after school to be part  of these activities,  but I honestly feel, that they never really encouraged nor did they push me to reach my full potential.
As a parent now, I can definitely see how sometimes we may notice that our children have a certain talent that we can clearly identify, but how we can get caught up in our own everyday challenges and how our lives are sometimes so hectic that we may not really pay attention or support or push our children to their fullest potential.  I myself am guilty of doing these things.  However, I try my best to push and support my children as much as I can.  I want to help them explore the things that they like, as I feel that it is so vital for their own development and personal growth.  
I have never asked my mom why she never pushed me, or why she never went to watch me cheerlead or tap dance, or why she never watched Julissa and I do our Sugar Hill routine in the living room.  But something tells me, that after working in a factory all day long and having to come home to cook and clean, hardly would leave any time to want to watch let alone push or encourage.
I bet that out of all the things that I loved to do, I think dancing would of definitely been the one thing that had my parents pushed me, I would of definitely taken it to a next level.  When I was 18yrs old, I would go to the Tunnel which was a popular house music dance club, just to dance.  I would go there, rain, snow or shine with a cold or a fever, just to lay on the speakers listen to music and dream. I loved dancing, still do.

So, to all you parents out there that push their kids to reach their talents full potential, who take their kids to their games, who take their kids to their piano lessons and who encourage their kids to do what they love, kudos to you! and to those of you, who haven’t noticed or don’t have the time or just don’t care, maybe it’s time you start paying close attention, you never know, your child may have the potential to be the next.....President. :)

Friday, December 24, 2010

My Ghost of Christmas Past

12 Years ago today, I was visiting my family in Colombia for Christmas.  I have a horrible memory due to my condition (oldwomanitis) however there are certain things in life that for whatever reason, we remember them vividly in our minds.  I remember that night as clear as if I was living it right this moment.
It was Christmas Eve, but unlike the American tradition where family gathers together to have a quiet dinner eggnog and pies, I was in Colombia so it was anything but quiet.  In my beautiful city of Pereira, the celebration has already started, like literally while I’m writing this.  But first things first the death of the poor little pig.  The poor pig gets killed in front of a bunch of people (usually a stab in the heart) then cut up and cooked in the street! (brutal I know) but to our defense it is done in the spirit of celebrating the birth of Jesus (or so they say) and therefore it is ok to kill the poor little thing.  But that is not all that happens, EVERYONE is extremely happy on this day in Colombia the neighbors that most of the year spend their time talking about one another, are actually friendly on Christmas Eve and everyone is smiling, wearing their brand new gear and on the hands of every other guy there is a bottle of AGUARDIENTE! Our liquor of choice.
So here I was, at my aunt’s house freshly off the plane wearing my black new outfit feeling good because It had been 4 years since I had last seen my family, we are all partying, eating fried pork chops and all of a sudden in walks the cutest thing I had seen in a really long time.  The very first thing I noticed was his beautiful green eyes.  I immediately asked my aunt who that cute boy was (he was literally a boy, well a teen) She told me that he was my cousins best friend, I will call him Francis.  As the days progressed I got to know Francis but didn't really care about anything other then the fact that his eyes mezmorized me, one thing led to another and the next thing I knew, I was rolling around a bed with the (teen) I had met on Christmas Eve.  It was probably one of if not the best romance I ever experienced.
When I returned to the US after being there for a little over a month, to my surprise, I discovered that I was pregnant with Francis’ baby.  I later married him and also have his daughter.  The reason why I am writing about this, is because last night I was home ill and he came over to see his son; we got to talking and one thing led to the other and the next thing I knew we were both laying in bed…… watching a movie (ha! dirty minded people you thought I was going to say having sex!) Nope, we just hung out and watched a movie.  But  during the movie while discussing what was happening in that movie I realized that this man after all these years doesn’t know me at all and this made me sad.  My husband (we are not legally divorced) never knew me, we are so very different and not in a good way, not in a way that we complement each other, but in a way that we clash, therefore from that eve of Christmas in 1998  when I let my shallowness take control of me and I started seeing someone 10 years my junior and I acted strictly on my sex drive and impulses and I started a crazy romance because it was just great! this relationship was destined to failure.
I guess my point here is, that due to the lack of my bad decisions I now have two children that will not have the opportunity to experience a family the way they should have and tonight we will not sit around a table and celebrate Christmas together as a family because sometimes in life we make a bad call and let our shallowness control us.  But I DO NOT REGRET any of the things that I do, because this is who I am, I live my life fearless going with my feelings and if I had not let my shallow self do what I did on that night when I asked who he was and If I had not started a crazy romance, I would not have my beautiful children.  I DON’T REGRET THEM.
My point also is, that life is so beautiful that even though sometimes we don’t make the right choices, we should always take responsibility for our actions, we should be proud of the choices we make, we shouldn’t be afraid to live and experience life to the fullest.  But most of all, we should learn from our mistakes and take every opportunity and turn it into a learning experience.  My children will still have a great Christmas and my children and I, ARE A FAMILY.
There is no man in my life right now, I am not dating anyone or talking to anyone so what I am about to write is the truth as I have nothing to prove to anyone.  I can hang out with my ex husband every single day, but I know that I would never fall for him, I know that he is not someone I would want to date.  If I hang out with him every so often, it is because he is the father of my children I care for him as a person but if he or I had a significant other, I would never disrespect that person by laying in bed with him watching a movie.  I think that would be violating my significant other.  However, whom ever comes into my life has to know that Francis will always be in my life and that we have a friendship.  If I am ever in a relationship again, my significant other has absolutely nothing to fear as my feelings for my ex are simply…..  I LOVE HIM SO MUCH (in a platonic way) HE IS A GREAT WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING AND A GREAT DAD.   He is not someone I was compatible with and when I look at him now, I can't believe I was with him that long.  Why do we as people sometimes settle when we know things aren't right? I don't get that!
Either way, I now often say to myself, Jazzy did you learn your lesson?....... My response....YES I DID.
MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL!
THANKS FOR READING! :)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

OMG! My first Blog Entry

It is quite pathetic that it took me this long to actually start this blog.  My hope is, that lot's of people will read what I have to say and that hopefully, I will have not only retarded useless rubbish to write, but also informative and important information to share with people (whenever possible).  But most of all, this will be my journal, where I will share my life with reader's and maybe something that I say, will feel close to home and will make people realize that you are not alone in the daily challenges of life, that we are all kind of the same, and that we all go through trials and tribulations in quite the same way.  I am a mother a student a friend and sometimes a lover.  Sometimes a lover (very rarely).


I'm by far not a writer in any way shape or form, as a matter of fact, I probably will have many errors and bad grammar on here, but I do indeed love to write.  I often daydream of things that I want to say and always have all these ideas about how to say it, how to make it interesting.  I talk to myself and write stuff in my head, but to often, by the time I get to the pen and paper I can't quite articulate it in the same way and therefore am unable to write it.  Sometimes, I just don't have the time to actually write it.  When I bought my MacBook Pro, I remember thinking I will use this laptop to write my stories.  I have stories in my mind with different twists, I'm not sure yet what I would write about other then my life.  I guess I would really enjoy writing about love, because love is so simply amazing and scary and real.


I always liked writing, when I was in the 6th grade, I was best writer runner up in my school.  For many many years however, I forgot how much I loved to do it.  For a very long time, I was so deeply lost in my life and in the many challenges I was going through, that I forgot all the things that I was, all the things that I am.  I lost Jazzy....  


One day, I was walking out of my then office on my way to the ladies room and as I was walking out of that door he was walking out of the men's room.  My first thought was OMG WHO IS THAT! we looked at each other and said hello and then I felt like I knew him and I asked him if he lived in Brooklyn we spoke briefly (he later told me that when I spoke to him, he thought, I cannot believe that hot girl is talking to me).  I know that what I am about to say is the biggest cliche, but I swear it did feel that way, it felt like... MAGIC... the kind that you don't experience very often in life, that day, I met the most extraordinary person.  This person changed my life forever.  I will call him, Benjamin Nunez.  This amazing extraordinary person brought out the very best human being in me, he made me want to be better, he made me want to reach for the stars, he reminded me of Jazzy, the girl I knew that was inside of me the girl that was in there somewhere, knowing him helped me become the better woman that I am today, or rather the woman that I want to continue to become.  


We are no longer friends, but I will cherish our friendship forever.  He was actually my inspiration for wanting to write a blog, I kept saying I'll do it one day (for about the last two and a half years) but I wanted to do it when I felt the time was right.  I don't like to do things half assed and therefore I wanted to do it when it felt right to me and when I felt that I would stick to it.  I think the time is now.  I want to dedicate this blog to Benjamin and thank him for changing my life forever.


Thanks for reading :)

What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...