Saturday, April 30, 2011

Dear Man....SIZE DOES MATTER!

Yes, this is a real straight up talk blog post! Because I just woke up feeling bold and like I need to break some hearts this Saturday morning.  


After this post, I will probably NEVER have sex again.  Why? because if you meet me and you read this blog post and you have low self esteem you will probably think I'm going to judge your "size" and there fore, you will be afraid to approach me to have some sort of "relationship" with me that will ultimately end up sexual in nature.  But, fear not, lucky for you if you have any interest in me at all and I have told you about my blog and you read it because you might be curious about me, I want to make it clear that, I don't judge people or at least try my hardest to catch myself and make sure I don't do so.  I do this, because I have been judged all of my life and I try to live my life with the basic rule of.... Don't do to others what I would not like to be done to me period.  So, for me personally I will never judge a man by his "size" as sex is not the most important thing to me or most women in the world.


I wanted to write this post, more so as to maybe ease men out there, who have this terrible thing that lingers on their mind about their MANHOOD or to please my friend who doesn't like the word manhood PENIS or private part as I used to tell my boys when they were younger.


When I first started having sex, I never even thought about a man's "size" but as I have gotten older and a tad bit wiser and as I have had more then one partner, I have observed the same types of behaviors in many men.  I am no therapist, but if most of my life, I have noticed one thing and that is, that men that are content with their penis size because they think they are "big" and for the most part, have this attitude of....... I can just lay there and you can do all the work cause, I'M LARGE! well, do I have news for you, SIZE DOES MATTER! ALL INCLUSIVE BIG!


Why can I sit here and write about this you ask? I can do so, because I am a woman who talks to many other women and men, about this very topic.  For some reason, people are very comfortable having such conversations with me, maybe it's because to me, sex is a natural part of being a human being we all have urges, including my young children all inclusive my youngest daughter.  I have read up on this topic because it is of great interest to me and actually, when I was 18 years old and working at a bookstore, I was responsible for making sure all the books in the sex section (although they called it something else can't remember) I was responsible for maintaining and knowing titles.  So as the good employee that I was, I used to make sure that I would read the books so that I could better guide my customers.  What can I say, I'm a good hard working employee.  What I found out was that sex is a natural part of life, we all get these feelings and it is OK! if you don't, then clearly something is not right. It's so natural in fact, that even very young children have these sexual feelings as well.  


Now, back to the nitty gritty why I say size DOES matter.  Just like men constantly talk about women among each other, women talk about men among themselves, duh! and we say things like, so....was it big? yes guys, we do say that, maybe not the very young girls (they think it only) but women, the mature woman that know's that it's ok that they have sexual desires they do say things like that.   When I hear that, it is obvious to me that to the majority of the woman out there in the world, this little fact DOES matters, but fear not guys I am beginning to believe or rather, I am convinced, that we just say that to say it.  Yes, just like men say... does she have big boobs? big butt??? do you stop talking to or sleeping with a girl because she doesn't have big boobs??? do you stop sleeping with a woman because she doesn't have a nice butt like the one you always wanted??? EXACTLY! I think that asking another woman was it big? is a response that automatically comes out of our mouths when we discuss a sexual experience among each other.


So why am I saying it matters? I'm saying it matters to the specific situation.   For instance, when you are seeing someone and you have sex with them for the first time and they are not huge, at that point it really doesn't matter, because we already like you, we are already spending time with you and having sex with you at that point is just an added bonus to the fact that now we are an "item" what ever "item" we may have decided to be with you at the point of having sex aka "friends" "friends with benefits" boyfriend girlfriend" "lovers" "in love" whatever, at this point what really matters is how well you kiss us, how well you touch us and how much foreplay there is before the fact! that is really all it is, yes I am dead serious! of course if you are tiny then I don't know what to tell you and if you are too huge then I don't know what to tell you either.  Too small meaning way below average or too large way below average is not good because well if you are too tiny which is highly un likely, then we won't feel anything (but even then there are alternatives) and if you are too large (it's probably more painful then pleasurable) and even then there are alternatives.  


When we have sex with a man, after the fact, trust me when I say that I have heard woman saying things like, it wasn't that big but it was really good because he did xy and z.  I have also heard, it wasn't that big but he is so nice I really like him so I don't really care.  Woman are more concerned with the emotional aspect of the situation, more so then the actual size.  I am sure that there are women out there who size is the only thing that matters to them (I haven't met one yet) but I'm sure there may be some, but I am not talking about those extreme ladies, I am talking about the average woman.  


Also, I have told many of my male friends this.  Don't think because a man is huge that he is any better then you, trust me on this one, men that are too big and think they don't have to do a thing in bed to please us, well guess what? I have news for you.  In talking to various women about this, most often, woman have said to me that these are the men that are usually lousy lovers.  Therefore, leaving you average guys out there with the advantage of showing what you have in the bed, by making sure you take care of your lady via other means aka emotionally and well..... educate yourself about what women enjoy sexually! HELLO!!! there are books about this! Also, it takes two to tango the responsibility of pleasurable sex regardless of size, should not only be placed on the man.  In addition, the longer you are having sex with your partner, the bigger it begins to appear to us.  I won't get into that on this post, but hey, there are other blogs out there about different things men and women can do to please each other physically and how men and women are made to fit each other almost like a puzzle.


In conclusion, ladies, PLEASE I BEG YOU! no matter how small you may think a man is PLEEEEAAAASEEEE don't ever tell a man something so horrible! whole marriages have been ruined by things like that! IT IS A HORRIBLE THING TO DO! DON'T DO IT! We should never go around looking at people's flaws like that, we are all beautiful.  Woman who say that to a man, have low self esteem themselves.  Just because it's small to your opinion, doesn't mean it's small to my opinion and if I meet him after you and you already scarred him, he will probably have mad issues that I don't care to deal with.  I'm serious, don't judge a man by his penis size, big men kind of suck in bed.  And all you handsome men out there who have low self esteem about your size DON'T because that is what ultimately will show, the fact that you have low self esteem, not the fact that you may not be "blessed" with a large useless penis.  Size does matter, but only to the shallow women that are running around sleeping around with everyone.  Why would you want to be with a woman like that?


As a side note, Dr. John Gray talks about how mens' self esteem is so important and how it effects the way they perform in the bed room (regardless of size).  This is an excellent book.

Men, Women and Relationships: Making Peace with the Opposite Sex

Thursday, April 28, 2011

"Gifts and Curses" by Yellowcard

THAT B*TCH WANTS MY BABY!

The other day, I was about to log into my Facebook account on my computer at home, and when I opened the site, my oldest son's page was up.  Now when it comes to my childrens privacy, I have very mixed feelings about it, my children are people too, and I want to show them that by me not going through their stuff or reading their personal messages etc., I am giving them my trust and respecting the privacy they deserve as individuals.  By me respecting them as individual people, I am telling them that we have a great relationship, that I trust them and that we can talk about anything.  I talk to my kids about everything (including sex) I try my best to treat them as individual people and not just someone that is beneath me because they are my children.

So here I am staring at the opened Facebook page and I see that he has an email message from a woman.  When I see it, something tells me to look at it (something aka my nosiness) I thought for a second that maybe I should log off, but then I thought, that he is a teenager and as  teenagers we sometimes do things because we think we know it all or at least when I was 16 I thought I knew everything, so without further hesitation yet feeling guilt, I opened it! 



Jazzy you snooped through your baby's emails??? YES I DID! I felt bad that I was doing so, but I also felt that as a parent, I have the obligation to see who my teenager is talking to and what about on the Internet.  What really made me want to read it was the fact that the picture of the woman my son was exchanging messages with, was clearly of an older woman, who in her profile picture looked less then decent.  Yes, I know I shouldn't judge, I've taken look at me I'm sexy pictures, who hasn't? as women we all want to look good and feel sexy and there is nothing wrong with it.  But when I see a picture like that of an unknown older woman that is emailing back and forth with my baby boy, then I need to know what this older woman wants from him.

I began to read one of their emails, and found out that she was from another country, she was telling him that he should marry her and how he was so HOT etc.  how she loved him and how she was going to make him so happy xyz.  I could not believe my eyes! I was so upset because  as soon as I read this, I knew right away what this B*tches intentions were with MY BABY!  She was looking at my child, as a ticket to the US.  How dare she!

What to do? I have spoken to my son about him and older woman before.  He once told me how he liked a girl that was way older then him and I told him, that although my preference would be for him to stay with girls closer to his age, I didn't really have a problem with him dating someone older.  Who am I to judge an older woman for liking my very handsome son who looks older then he really is?  In addition, I have myself been with younger men or actually I have been with nothing but younger men so how can I sit there and tell him it's not ok?  However, when you are looking at my baby, as a ticket to come to the US, when your intentions are to use him well.....Jazzy is NOT having it!

So now what do I do??? I have NO idea! But I think the first thing I need to do is address it and be honest and tell him I snooped because I love him and just wanted to make sure he isn't involved in anything that isn't proper.  To my snooping defense, he had tons of other emails that he was writing back and forth with other girls his age, and those emails I did not look at.  Hey, I'm not THAT NOSY!

Being a parent is really tough, there is always a challenge, there is no manual, there is no right or wrong, there is always decisions to be made, it is just really really difficult at times and half the time I have no idea what the he'll I'm doing.  But I think however, that as long as I treat my children as intelligent people rather then 
little people beneath me, and I communicate with them effectively and I accept that they are individuals with their own ideas and their own thoughts, then at least I'm trying my best.  I need to always remember that, kids are people too.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I made love to him a million times.

I was filled with emotion, being in the same space with him was so overwhelming, it was hard to describe or articulate in a way that someone else could possibly imagine what It felt like. 


And then it happened, we were standing in every one's way on a crowded train and the moment gave way to the unimaginable, we had to move within the train car from one space to another and I turned to walk further into the train car, and he walked behind me.  The space was so tight between us, that we were forced to be real close to one another, he walked behind me without any malice, and all of a sudden, I felt his manhood brush against my butt.  There in that crowded train I felt his manhood for a mere second, his manhood touching my butt and a feeling of panic took control of me.   


As I felt it for what was probably a second, the only thought that came into my mind was......OMG I just felt it!!! I just felt his manhood on my butt!! it was just but a mere second, but I felt it, I felt it on my butt! and had it been another man I would of wanted to turn around and smack him in the face, or maybe moved away from him really fast and felt grossed out about it, or maybe had the person been someone that I thought was handsome I would of felt a sexual desire because of it.  However, because it was him I felt a sense of panic.  For I had made love to this man in my mind a million times, I had made love to him in every possible position, in every possible situation, in every possible way.  And it had always been made love, made love, because I love him so much.  I could not believe what had just happened.  At one point in my life, I had even thought that he was not even real, that he was a figment of my imagination.  That was not so, because there in that crowded train, I had felt his manhood brush against my butt.  I could feel it still, the shape the girth, I felt it!


And I was overwhelmed to the point that I couldn't listen anymore to what was being said, I didn't hear what happened next, I couldn't explain what I was feeling, I was just overwhelmed with emotion and on the next train stop, I had to run out.  I wanted to run out of that train as far away from him as possible.  And although I felt as if I almost couldn't look at him, when I finally looked up quickly to say goodbye, he looked at me with wonder.  I saw it, or maybe I was imagining the whole thing.  But I ran out as fast as I could and I did not want to look back.  And then I finally found a calm spot in the mist of a crowded train station and I cried and I took deep breaths to control my energy, to get back to a state of serenity because I was overwhelmed.


And there in that moment, I realized what love really was and the only way I could explain it was like this.......


Love is the surge of energy that we feel when the person we love is near, the high plateau that can only be reached when that person is around us.   No words are required, no thoughts, no touch, just pure energy from within our souls, the kind of energy that is too much to control, yet it is not something, not the kind of something you touch but rather the kind of something that nothing needs to be done at all, it is just a natural state of pure elated bliss.  


And the rest of my ride, I was just in my own little world.  I did not need to think, I did not need to act, I just sat there staring into space, as if I had just had the best sexual experience of my life, yet nothing had happened, not the act not the feeling of ecstasy nothing at all.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fxp8a_KmRo&feature=fvsr


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

SPARKS!

I tried hard, hard really hard to say nothing, to pretend as if nothing was wrong.  I cannot hide my emotions because I am not afraid to show what I feel.  I had to try though, because this is not good.


But I couldn't control it any longer and I went to him to talk about Hope and there we stood talking about her life as if she could hear us and speak back to us.  And the moment I spoke, he gave me all his attention and time stopped and smiles lit up the place and the energy was positive and sparks were everywhere.  Laughter is all you heard.  


And then I thought, Oh MY! when did you become the new object of my affection? when did this happen? how can this be? 

WHAT IS LOVE?

LOVE IS....... ACCEPTANCE


LOVE IS...... I DON'T WANT TO CHANGE YOU, BECAUSE YOU ARE PERFECT, YOU ARE PERFECT TO ME!


LOVE IS......ARE YOU SICK? LET ME TAKE CARE OF YOU!


LOVE IS.......BABY I DON'T CARE THAT YOU GAINED/LOST WEIGHT, I WILL HELP YOU WITH YOUR GOALS


LOVE IS......I SUPPORT YOU IN EVERYTHING YOU WANT/NEED TO DO


LOVE IS......DO YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT? I WILL LISTEN


LOVE IS......WHEN YOU GET OVER YOUR ANGER I WILL BE HERE STILL


LOVE IS......YOU CAN IGNORE ME ALL YOU WANT, I STILL LOVE YOU


LOVE IS.......SO YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED? GOD THAT HURTS, BUT I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!


LOVE IS........I KISSED SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT ME, BUT I THOUGHT OF YOU!


LOVE IS........I'M SO GLAD YOU ARE HAPPY! BECAUSE THAT MAKES ME HAPPY


LOVE IS........THE MOST KINDEST PUREST FEELING IN MY HEART


LOVE IS........YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL IN EVERY WAY!


LOVE IS.........PATIENT


LOVE IS.........SINCERE


LOVE IS.........I HAVE NO EGO, WHEN IT COMES TO YOU


LOVE IS.........KIND


LOVE.......HOLDS NO GRUDGE


LOVE IS.....NOT SELFISH


LOVE IS.......NOT JUDGMENTAL 


LOVE IS.......FORGIVING


LOVE IS.......FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE


LOVE IS.......I THINK OF YOUR BEST INTEREST ALWAYS


LOVE IS.......I WILL BE HERE FOR YOU, ALWAYS....WHEN THE WORLD TURNS IT'S BACK ON YOU, HERE I WILL BE.  BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjH0-S3hVOQ

Bobby Darin-Beyond The Sea

Dido - White Flag






Monday, April 25, 2011

The story of the silhouette

What can I say about the silhouette, the one on the picture that you witness when you visit my blog? There is a story behind it, and although I wish really badly that I could share it with you, I can not bring myself to do so.  It is our secret, the one that we share.


I was just finishing up writing my last short post the one before this, and then I looked at it, and things made sense.  I don't make much sense right now, but I will say this, it is really hard for me to tear myself away from that silhouette, it belonged to another blog and I stole it, or rather, I have it on loan, because it does not really belong to me.  The picture is no longer part of that blog but I asked the owner to let me use it, until I find my own.


Although it is just a picture, it has a great significance to me, and I am beginning to feel like I will not be able to let that silhouette go, because she has become me.


Who is she? who was she? what was he thinking when he chose it? Oh lovely silhouette, so pretty and perfect you are.

My Pretty Shell

In my pretty shell where I won't miss you, that's where I'll be.  It's warm and cozy there, and I feel free.

When I come out again one day, I will look around and not remember your face, for you no longer will have a hold on me.

You will of gone away, to a place far away, and no longer in my thoughts will you be.  



In my shell should you need to find me, there I will be.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Meeting Adam

Adam, is someone I had met on line about 3 years ago who I have maintained contact with but never met in person.  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/03/who-hell-is-adam.html 


The reason why I am writing this post, is to update the post about who was Adam.  Yesterday, I decided that if Adam didn't finally meet up with me, I was going to cut all ties with him, so I sent him a message and told him that I wanted to finally meet him.  After a few txt messages and him acting hesitant as he has in the past, I very rudely told him to go to hell, and never ever ever, contact me again.  He then very nicely told me that why was I being so rude to him, and I told him that I was done, talking to a ghost.


I deleted his number from my phone, and headed out to a club with my friends.  A few hours later, Adam sent me a message asking me if I would meet him, so of course I absolutely had to.  I was freaking out of nervousness when I pulled up to the bar where we were supposed to meet, and when I came out of the car and saw him, it felt as if I had been seeing him all along.  Like if this was my friend that I have always known.  It was so extremely comfortable.  We gave each other a big hug and began talking.  Adam is just as handsome if not even more so then his pictures! his eyes are so amazingly beautiful, that I could not stop looking into them, they are like green or I can't even describe the color so nice.  His body? just as his pictures.  He told me that I looked better in person then in pictures and that I was very pretty.  And I told him that I was really happy he was the person that I had always imagined.  While we were at the bar, some girl that he knew asked me if I was Adam's girl because she had never seen him with anyone before, we told her no and she said to me, that I should be because Adam was an awesome guy!


Adam is the true gentleman that he has always been during our conversations via txt messaging.  He is truly a sweet guy.  We talked about my blog and I told him that I hoped he wouldn't mind me writing about our meeting each other, he said he was ok with it.  I am really happy I finally met Adam in person.  I am glad that I finally met my friend from 3 years ago, I now have pictures of us, to prove that he is real.  A story worth telling.


Thank you Adam for being a gentleman! 

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Jazzy will be looking for love on E-Harmoney.com..

Yesterday afternoon I started thinking about my personality and how I love to do little things for the people I care about (or man I'm in a relationship with).  I started thinking about my very loving nature, how I love to give little gifts and how in my marriage, I was the one who always kept things interesting.  I would come up with all kinds of creative games for him and I to play when I felt like our relationship was boring, and I am not referring to sexual games I am referring to silly stupid things that make relationships and life interesting and fun.  


One time, I came up with this silly game in which because we both loved kissing (so much so that I knew our marriage was over when we stopped kissing) I told him that who ever kissed the other first through out that day, would be the looser and I challenged him not to kiss me.  That game was so much fun, the whole day we teased each other and had a blast with it, we would come up with little ways to try and get the other to kiss each other and we would end up laughing so hard because it was really really hard.  Then, one of us would forget, mostly him and I would trick him into kissing me.  I forget, but I feel like we did that more then once.  Of course this is a stupid game, but these are the little things that make relationships so special, the little things that "we do together"  Other times, I would surprise him with breakfast in bed, I would make him whatever his favorite meal was and I would wake him up to a bunch of kisses and his favorite breakfast.  This is only a few of the things I would do, now that I think about it and realize that I was clearly more in love with him then him with me (he never really did anything back) or maybe he wasn't as creative,  I also realize that because I am spanish and was always thought to "take care of my man" I did that as well, I ALWAYS took care of my man, if you know what I mean? 


Then I kept thinking about how I have wasted all these little gestures of love, with all the people that for the last almost four years in October (that's how long I've been single) have been in and quickly out of my life draining me of energy, time, resources and my creative ideas that I can do for someone who truly deserves it.  And then I remembered, the time right after I had broken up with my ex husband and felt like If I didn't have a man in my life, who was I? because I had always been in a relationship since 16 years old and didn't know or understood how it was to be alone.  


So I had signed up to E-Harmoney.com to "find the one" I signed up for it right after "the one" I had just broken up with.  In addition to singing up to E-Harmoney.com I had also signed up to a bunch of other dating sites as that was the "new way" to meet people.  I have to say, that out of all the dating sites that I had visited, E-Harmoney was definitely one of the best one's.  I signed up but quickly realized that all the fine gentlemen on that site, were serious individuals looking for true love and commitment.  I got off because I realized that one, I was not ready for such a thing and two, I was already in love with someone and it would not be fair for me to almost use one person to forget someone else.  In addition, I was asked to pay and Jazzy don't roll like that, I was like hell no! I refuse to pay to find a man! and I just felt overwhelmed by the whole thing and decided that I loved being single.  


I got off all the dating sites and just went on with my life, meeting people in different ways and learning about myself and men in the process.  Yesterday however, I decided that maybe it is time for me to find "the one" and I came up with this whole plan of how I would be off from school this summer and therefore would have time to date and meet "him" because I would have about 4 free months to get to know him and by the time school starts since he will be so awesome and understanding, and not needy of my wonderful love and attention 24/7 then he would be ok with our conflicting schedules and the fact that I would not be able to spend every last minute of my time with him.  I also nearly wrote my action plan on paper on how this whole thing was going to work out for me.  Talk about confidence!  I even imagined how we would be madly in love by the start of the fall semester WTF!.  


After coming up with this master plan I did what any normal person would do and I ran to my wonderful friends with the idea that I would start a blog series on how I will be finding love on E-Harmoney.com and my friends thought it was a cool idea.   They laughed at the fact that I had this whole "mathematical formula in place" for meeting "the one."  I told my friends that for a long time, I didn't want to be with anyone because I was in love with someone, and I just don't think it was fair to love one person and start a relationship with another, how re-bounds don't work and I want to go into something fresh.  Fall in love like I have never been in true love in my life! they thought sometimes it is necessary to be with someone to forget another and I just said that I really felt like I was finally ok with going for it.  So, they did what friends do best, and encouraged me to go for it and how it would be cool for me to blog about it, letting the world go with me on this journey of finding love on the internet.  


So after discussing it with my girls, I got in my car all excited and put some loud music on and started singing my ass off getting all excited about "him" OMG! how will he look? OMG! I can't wait for him to hold me! OMG! KISSESS TONS AND TONS OF UNLIMITED KISSES! it will be sooooo great to have SEX! I CAN'T WAIT! OMG! I'm going to treat him like a KING! I will add happiness to his already happy life, and he will add happiness to my already happy life! and then.... all of a sudden....it happened....... I felt this anxious nerve wrecking feeling, my stomach got tight and I felt like throwing up my hands became really sweaty and I couldn't breath, it was soooo bad in fact, that I had to open up the car window to get some air.  After calming down a bit I realized one very important thing and that was, that Jazzy is really afraid of commitment or rather, I am afraid to go looking for it.  


I know exactly what I want in terms of a man, down to how I want him to look, of course you can never have EXACTLY what you are looking for, but it's good to have an idea of the important things you want from a person you will be in a relationship with.  I know what I want and that is obviously the first step. But, I just can't see it happening by me looking on some website at pictures and people's profiles, I need to feel that feeling, that WOW as I have always liked to call it, that magic that you feel when you see him for the first time, the feeling that you get of nervousness that you start saying stupid things and you can't stay still.  I have felt that before in my life, I felt it with the people that I had long term relationships with and that is why, I know, that that feeling is true genuine and real.  After getting hyped up about the E-Harmoney thing, I decided not to do it, of course I get lonely at times, HELLO! I'M A HUMUN BEING! but I just can't see myself looking for love on line.  I have to say that I think it's definitely a great tool for people to find someone special though, I have heard really great stories and I am not saying that I won't consider it maybe at some other point in my life.  But I just don't think this is the time.


For now however, although I will not be able to share some crazy E-Harmoney stories with you, I promise you this.  I am sure when and if I meet this wonderful man that is out there with a bunch of dumb broads aka TOADS that have not a clue of what they want, where they are going, what they need, or how to take care of their man.  The minute him and I see each other and things flow as smooth as sailing, I will most definitely blog about it.  He will be so awesome in fact and respectful of my blog and my reason for writing it and my future goals and dreams and ideas with it, that he will be more then happy that I am going to write about him and our love story.  I don't know if this will happen this summer, next summer, two or ten years from now, but what I do know is, that I will not get nervous and anxious or scared or wanting to throw up at the thought of him.


Until then though, I plan on having myself a grand fun summer, one filled with new stories to share with you.  This will be my last summer being in my 30's and although I am freaking the hell out about turning 40 in October, I am ready to take on a new challenge that will be my 40's a new wonderful time in my life.  I am blessed to have made it this far in life in terms of my age, there is not one thing I regret about what I have done.  I will enjoy this summer as a single woman, because who know's, maybe "the one" although I don't really believe there is such a thing sometimes, I have to believe that there are definitely souls that come into our lives for a specific purpose, leave quickly but we get to share wonderful experiences with.  Or maybe, there is such a thing as "the one" and I just haven't found mine, obviously, since I am single.


Stay tuned.....

Story of Dev and Jazzy

This reminds me of the story of Dev & Jazzy......


January, 1991 - November 1994










EmineM - Loose Yourself

The realness of EM is what makes me keep wanting to listen to more..... Love you EM!










Jay-Z/Linkin Park - Numb/Encore *lyrics*

Jay-Z - The Entrepreneur from Brooklyn! Riddle Me That!


mike posner - please don`t go (official lyrics video)

I think I heard this song like a million times.... Love it!



Friday, April 22, 2011

Kissing ADAM OMG!

If you have been following my journal, you might remember Adam.  Adam, is someone I met online over three years ago, who I have never met in person.  I wrote a whole blog post about Adam, because I believe him to be seriously awesome.  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/03/who-hell-is-adam.html


The last time I spoke to Adam, was actually the day I wrote the post.  After I wrote it, I sent him a txt message letting him know that I had written the blog post and for him to read it and tell me what he thought.  He ever so faithfully responded to me, telling me he liked it and that I was just too cute! OH MY DEAR ADAM! HOW AWESOME ARE THEE!


The other day,  I was having one of those days, I like to call them Benjamin Nunez days.  Benjamin Nunez, is not really the persons name, however, that is his alias and I don't want to write his real name on my blog, so I will just call him Benjamin Nunez.  


A Benjamin Nunez day as I once described to Benjamin himself, is a day when I wake up love hating him.  One minute I love him, the next I hate him, the next I wish he would disappear from the face of the earth, the next I want to see him, then I hate the way he looks how could I have ever even like that stupid jerk, then the next I wish I could hold him close and kiss him real hard, then the next I want to punch him in the face, step on his foot and knee him on his balls and end it with a punch in the stomach thus hurting him to the point he is breathless! yes, I really do imagine this scenario in my mind!  sometimes when I imagine it, I laugh to myself oh yes, but I do a lot of crying on those days as well.  Needless to say, those days to me are extremely emotional.   I take it, that you get the idea.  A Benjamin Nunez day, is one of those days!  


When I have my BN days, I am more un happy then happy, because honestly all those thoughts leave me exhausted.  Of course I am trying really hard to move on from these stupid thoughts that are a waste of energy, and I must admit that I have not had one of them in a really long time which is great.  But well, like any "normal" human being I guess, I had one of those days of useless energy usage and on my way home from work, into my thoughts came ADAM! My ADAM where are thee my sweet!


So, what did I do? Well I sent him a txt message of course duh! and my ever so faithful Adam responded my message about half hour later.  The thing about Adam, is that since I have never seen him (only in pictures) I don't really have a picture of him in my mind.  To me, he is just this really amazing person that talks to me whenever I feel happy, sad, scared, pissed etc. to me, he is a faceless soul (my angel) but I don't have any sort of friendship with him, it is honestly, the strangest thing I have ever experienced.  


My message to Adam went something like this.... Remember I have not spoken to him in nearly a month and never met him in person.


Me - Will you meet me for a drink tonight? I'll pick you up? I'm feeling really sad today :( please?


Adam - I'm in AC


When I saw that, a sudden fear came over me, I thought OMG! what if Adam found a girl? so I immediately asked him a question I have not asked him, in about a year.  I never ever ask him stuff like the following.


Me - Really? who with? did you find a girlfriend??
Adam - No with my friend John


When I read this, I felt a sense of relief and all of a sudden a smile on my face and a happy feeling in my heart.  And the messages continued as so...


Me - Will you see me when you return please?
Adam - Ok baby, what happened? why are you down?


Me - I have been staying home, studying, working, jogging and I feel a bit lonely.  Just wanted to spend time with someone who I like.  Rather then going out meeting some stranger.


Adam - your so cute!


Me - When do you come back 
Adam - XYZ day


Adam - you have a car?
Me - of course I have a car


Adam - Can you pick me up and we can kiss in your car hehe?

at this point I felt a bit shocked, Adam, has always been such a gentleman with me that him asking me to kiss him, felt both strange and very sweet, so I smiled and shook my head and responded...


Me - Please? promise?
Adam - Yea baby I promise ;) are you a good kisser?


Me - I don't know, you can tell me though ;)
Adam - OK ;)


Me - You didn't promise :(
Adam - I promise


After this, I had a huge smile on my face and I wrote him....


Me - You made my day :) thank you baby!


end of conversation!


Here is the thing, the truth is that I don't think I really ever want to meet Adam.  I am not sure I am ready or will ever be ready to meet him in person.  I have never felt so awkward about any situation before but I don't want to meet him, because If I do, then all the magic will be gone.  I sometimes try to imagine being around him and I try to create a mental image of him.  He is half Italian half Cuban which is to me just the sexiest mix ever! and the pictures I have seen OMG! that six pack, what if it's real? those hazel eyes, what if they are really that color? those full lips what if they really are good to kiss??? It's almost my little fantasy that I don't want to make a reality.  


After talking to him, I felt really happy and I was ready to move on from my bad day and I forgot all about my sad feelings for the day and I also forgot all about my conversation with Adam WTF!  Actually, I didn't think about that until just now when I was thinking if maybe I should see him.  


But then I think, Adam never spoke to me about kissing or any of that, all our conversations have been very non sexual in nature.  They have always been just normal talk about everyday stuff, so for him to reference kissing me, I was really shocked about it.  I have not kissed anyone in my car since like October, so I am just really nervous to kiss in my car or any where else for that matter.  What should I do? should I kiss Adam?








A SHORT DESCRIPTION ABOUT US.

I wrote the following poem in November of 2009.  I was going through my e-mail folder looking for something to post and I wanted to post this poem, because when I wrote it, it was from a feeling that I don't experience every single day.  I never gave the poem a name, so I will name it........


A SHORT DESCRIPTION ABOUT US


His smile can lighten up even the cloudiest of days
His hugs will take away the saddest of moments
His lips could fulfill the deepest desire
His anger can break the toughest of hearts
His name.....

Her smile can lighten up a room full of people
Her laughter can cheer the saddest of moments
Her lips more sweeter then sugar
Her skin as soft as silk
Her heart can forgive the toughest of punishments
Her name........

I Hope you enjoyed my little poem about us.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

THIS IS WHY!

Today, I told a friend that I wasn't feeling to well, I was very emotional.  Then, I read that blog, the one that I have visited a million times, and I read something that just brought tears to my eyes...

How will I ever? please someone tell me? when there are so many thousands of reasons.  I am speechless and all I can think of is...

If I could like it, I would hit the like button.  If I could show how I felt after reading it because I was sooo proud, I would give you a kiss and a hug and tell you how much I love you and how proud I am!  since I cannot do either, I will just write it on my blog.

This is why, what else can I say.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Sleepless in Brooklyn

I watched Sleepless in Seattle this weekend which is one of my favorite movies.  This morning, I was on the train trying to get through the end of my new favorite book, There are no ordinary moments by Dan Millman.  And in it, he says that we live our own movie and that we can choose to play any part that we want to, depending on what situation we are dealing with in the present moment.


This does not mean that you have to live your life as if you are re-enacting a movie, however, movies are made out of someone's ideas and thoughts and when these movies make an impression on many people also known as, they are a hit.  I have to believe that the reason it becomes a hit, is because we the viewers can relate to them in some way.  I believe this happens because we are all so similar.  Men and woman, we all go through trials and tribulations because we are human.  


I often use movie quotes to remind myself of things or to trigger something within me to help me make a decision.  Most of the time, these quotes help me tremendously.  However, I have noticed that more often then not, these quotes come into my mind after I have a gut feeling.  So, I feel like it's almost sort of a sign, like something greater then myself, telling me that whatever doubt I have, just go with the feeling and do it.  Most often then not, when I base my decisions on these feelings, the outcome of my decision is positive. 


Last weekend I was going through a difficult time trying to decide what to do about a specific situation that relates to someone who has been in my life indirectly for a few years now.  I did not know what to do, but something kept telling me that the decision I had made was the right one and all of a sudden, the following quote from Sleepless in Seattle came into my mind.


Meg Ryan - "Beck... Is this crazy?"


Rosie O'Donnell - "No, that's the weirdest part about it" 


Today, the decision I made happened.  I have to say, that I feel so happy about my decision.  Sometimes, the things we think are crazy are really not.  When you think you need to do something because it feels right for you, DO IT! because the outcome might just overwhelm you with happiness.  Sometimes in life, we just "really need to do this." - Movie quote can't remember which one.


I don't know what the end result of my decision will be, nor do I have any expectations or ideas about the ultimate outcome either.  However, I am so happy, because I truly in my heart believe that I made the right choice and "life, is just as it should be" - quote from My best friends wedding.







Tuesday, April 19, 2011

JAZZY THE DYKE!

Since I was about 20 years old or so, I always wanted so badly to shave my hair bald, like Sinead O'Connor or Demi Moore did in that movie GI Jane.  I'm not sure if it's because I didn't like my hair, or because I just like to experiment and I get bored with the same look always or because when I was growing up my mom wore short haircuts and I remember thinking, wow! my mom is so beautiful! No matter what my underlying reason was, I always liked really short hair cuts.  I never went bald yet, nor do I think I would actually do a Britney, but needless to say, I have always had a fascination for women with short hair.  And for different hair looks.

Through out my life, I have had all kinds of 
hair styles and colors, I was blonde at one point for so many years that I actually forgot what my actual hair color was.  Once as a teenager I even had a haircut that on the sides I had lines shaved on my hair like the way men have designs on theirs.  I guess I can say, that I'm lucky that my parents let me experiment with my hair as a teen and even luckier that as an adult, I am not afraid to take chances with it.


Judgements.  Most of my life I have also been stereotyped as some sort of person, I've often have been judged and most times, people think they know "what kind of girl I am." 



Last Friday night I finally came out of my hibernation and went to a Karaoke bar with my brand spanking new really short hair cut.  After having one too many drinks and proceeding to have what was in my opinion my best vocal performance EVER (singing while under the influence is dangerous) I woke up the next morning to listen to my cousin's story of how some girls had asked him if I was a DYKE.  I have to admit, that I found this to be hilarious at first! especially, because on my way to the bar, we had been talking about just that, we were saying how people were going to think I was a dyke because of my cut.  


After listening to his story and both of us laughing about it, we started talking about the time when I had kissed a girl and wanted to throw up from the experience (I had also cried after the fact, because I felt she took advantage of me, but that's a whole other blog post) and I kept shaking my head telling him, damn people always mis judge me, after saying that to him I felt really sad about this and I thought, why do people do this? why do we judge? even me, why do I judge others?

Later on, I started thinking about how we as humans are so judgmental, and how I have always been so judgmental and how it is such a horrible thing to feel that you are being judged wrongly based on a hair cut or the way you choose to dress or whatever.  Then I thought about this guy I went on a date with once, he was one of the nicest men I have ever met and he was filled with tattoo's, he told me that people always thought he was some sort of gang member or something, meanwhile he was an engineer WTF! He told me how sometimes people would talk to him in a condescending way, because they assumed he was dumb and how he really enjoyed their reaction once he would open his mouth and spoke and just knew so much about so many things.  He was awesome yet people misjudged him.


I have to admit that I fit into a very specific stereotype with my new hair cut, I told this to my co-worker and she and I agreed and then we both laughed and later said to each other wow this world can be so harsh.  I have been stereotyped as many things in the past, but here is the latest one that I think fits me perfectly.  Jazzy, heartbroken gave up on men and on love, raising three kids on her own decides that maybe a woman would make her happier.  Of course! No wonder! That's why?

I will not deny that more often then not, I find women extremely beautiful, to me, we are just amazing human beings.  I love the way we can carry a baby in our stomach's but then we can also roll up our sleeves and help at a construction site.  I love that we can wear dresses, but then throw on some jeans and sneakers and still look good! I love that our skins are soft and we can wear make up if we choose to.  Women are just the shit! there is absolutely no doubt about that in my mind, so, how can I NOT love women. I after all am one myself.  


I also have to admit, that throughout my life I have admired other woman.  I have admired women that are bolder then I am.  I admire how some women can be faithful to a man that has hurt them or cheated on them or the way some can have sex with different partners and be ok with it and be confident and still respect themselves or the way they can be good moms and tackle so many things.  I am every woman, but I am not all women and there are definitely things that I could not do myself that I definitely admire in others.  


But, this post is not about me trying to explain to anyone that I am not a dyke.  As hurtful as it feels for people to often judge me, I am not writing this to clarify or give an excuse or explanation about my sexuality or any of that.  I'm writing this, because it's sort of a reminder to myself, that I do not want to judge people based on what stereotype I label them to be and that judging others is wrong and that I try everyday to be better then that.  


I have no problem with people who choose to love another person of their same sex and I most certainly don't really care that people may think I no longer like men because "maybe someone broke her heart really bad."   I didn't feel hurt about what I was judged to be, I felt hurt because I was judged.


So, I ask you to please, before you judge other's, look at yourself first and put a label on yourself that you know you are not but that you fit the stereotype of, then ask yourself if you would like to be thought of as this and how that would make you feel.  Before you judge a book by it's cover, open it up and read it you might just be amazed!







Monday, April 18, 2011

JAZZY THE LIAR!

What can I say other then the fact that I lied through my yellow (well their not really that yellow I hope) teeth.  The worst part is, I didn't even know I was lying until the night before, when all of a sudden a burst of happiness entered my heart and I began to feel anxious with excitement, so excited that soon, I would be seeing him again.  Oh but how could this be true? what was happening?? did I not write a whole blog telling the world that I was not going to be attending a class because of this person? what was going on Jazzy???


At first I was in denial of the truth, the truth being that I was indeed going to attend because of him maybe, or was I? but If I wasn't attending because of him, then why did I feel so happy? and so I began to accept this as the truth.   Then I did what any normal girl would do in this situation, I ran to a friend and told him that I had to admit to someone anyone, that I was so extremely happy because on that day, I was going to see my love! and If I could of yelled it at the top of my lungs as I ran, then I probably would of! MY LOVE! but maybe I should not tell anyone, because me loving him was wrong, it was wrong because he did not love me back.  


But I told my friend and he was awesome enough to tell me that it was ok to love him, however, he felt that I had to accept and be ok with the fact that I could not think of him as someone who I would spend my life with.  After my friend said this to me, I told him that I had accepted this truth long ago, however that did not change the fact, that I was still in love with him and that I would be seeing him and that I could not wait!


The whole day, the excitement kept me going, my smile was one that I could not control, My love and I in the same space, breathing the same air! why how could this happiness even be possible? but why then did I feel a bit guilty? why then, did I feel like I was doing something wrong?


As I was walking to the class, I felt really guilty, I felt as though I had lied to someone else, I felt like I had not only been in complete denial of my own feelings, lying to myself, but also I had lied to someone who was beginning to matter to me and shouldn't.  I had been annoyed at the fact that he had made a comment where he was merely expressing to me, the truth that he believed about why I was really attending this course, yet I was in such denial, that I had refused to acknowledge what was clear to him or maybe I just didn't know that I still felt this way.   I had been struggling with this for so many years, that I just wanted to be over it already, but I am not.  I love him and that is the truth! no I don't love him, I am in love with him.


Now, I had to let him know, because I had also lied to him as well, I had told him on that last night we saw each other, that me attending those classes was not about him.  I wasn't going to lie to my love, because I had never lied to him before, he is probably one of the only people in the world, that I have always been completely honest with about everything.  So I did what I know to do best, I wrote him a letter and told him that he was the reason or at least one of the reasons why I would be attending this course and that I loved him still, and that I had lied to myself, to him and to everyone who had read my blog post.  


In addition, I had also lied to someone else who I wasn't sure I needed to give an explanation to, because it probably didn't really matter to him, however, I almost wished that he would read this and know, that I never intended to lie, that I wasn't sure of my feelings but that I was sorry, and that the thing I was most sorry about, was the fact that he could see what I was to blind to, he knew me already enough to tell me that I would be attending a course "to see some guy" to my defense, he did not know that this guy, had been my love for over three years and that the story was too long, to weird and to complicated to explain and that only my love and I  could ever understand it.  I felt guilty for lying to him about why I would attend this course, but mostly I felt guilty for lying to myself.


It is ok to love someone, I have done nothing wrong by loving him the way I have.  Love is a beautiful thing! I have loved him for my own reasons that I do not wish to share on this blog.  But I have, I do and I am not sure for how long I will.  And as I write this and tears roll down my face, at least I know that right this moment I am being honest to him, to myself and to you.







Sade - Kiss Of Life

I cannot lie to myself, this is exactly how I felt and it is ok, because I am only human and the reason why I know that I am normal, is because I felt this way!


At least I can actually hear the song without crying, that most definitely means something.









Meiko- "Boys With Girlfriends"

Rihanna - Russian Roulette

Edward Maya - Stereo Love (Official Video)

Como Te Hago Entender

Busca por dentro . Grupo Niche

Apuesta por mi................100% Salsa

Saturday, April 16, 2011

SHORT AND SWEET

I stole the phrase that you are about to read below from someone, he wrote it to me once and I never ever forgot it.  It was really short and extremely sweet.  On this beautiful rainy day (I love rainy days) I can't help but to think of it and smile.  When he wrote it, my imagination went running wild.  Funny how some words can stay with us for ever and or touch us deeply.


"If I ever want to be wisked away to a tropical paradise, I will look at it and let my mind wander" he wrote this to me, in reference to a little bottle full of sand.


Oh yes, I have been there with you in my thoughts many times.  There, in that beautiful tropical paradise I like to call my imagination.  So many wonderful places our minds can take us.  There, in that place my mind, there you will always be, there, and no one will know, it is my secret hiding spot where I keep you.





ManĂ¡ Labios Compartidos video original

Vuelbe a mi tu boca y provoca. 



El Muelle de San Blas (Mana)

Love the guitar beats.  I wish I would of really learned to play it well.



Ne Yo - Mad


I am a strong believer, that we should never go to bed without making up with the person we love.  Tomorrow is never promised.



Thursday, April 14, 2011

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

DIARY ENTRY - 4-14-2011

My dearest Journal -

Boy do I love to have you! I once shared my story with only one person who probably deleted all my entries.  Yes, I would write him whole journal entries telling him everything that I did, he was my live diary, but now I have you, ever so faithful here waiting for me to write my next thoughts, and then, opened to the world, for anyone who dares to enter my thoughts and read my dreams, wishes, life challenges and all the other things that I am.  You my sweet journal, are the one who allows my life to be shared with only those who wish to partake in it, in here I write my life and only here, can someone come to read it if they wish, I am not forcing anything, it is my love for writing that brings me to you and it is somone's wonderful curiousity that brings them to you as well, what wonder you are.

Today was an eventful day indeed, why without days like these, I wouldn't know what my life would be like.  It was one of those days, that started out with a red dress.  I felt very happy, I think it was the fact that the sun was bright and the birds were chirping and I woke up with the thought that I would live the moment today, that I wanted to try my hardest to work really hard all day long and be able to earn my pay, with honor.  And so I got to work, to laugh and share with the wonderful human beings I am blessed enough to be around every single day, GOD I love that place and the people that sorround me.  Those people are my family, genuine sincere and true.

I also had the chance to see him, the cute guy I have decided to hang out with.  We sat and had coffee and spoke about running, he is so damn cute! but I will not allow myself to go by looks anymore, I have to learn to be less shallow and try to see the beauty within, it would appear that with such beauty in the outside, there must definitely be beauty in the inside.  After having coffee, he asked me if I would have lunch with him next week, and I agreed.  For the last few months, I have closed myself up in a world of me but I decided yesterday that I would allow people the opportunity to come into my life without having any expectations, I was locked up in a shell almost, afraid for my heart, afraid to talk to the opposite sex because I don't really want anything and even though we only discussed a lunch which really means absolutely nothing, I know that we have some sort of chemistry and I won't know anything unless I give people a chance, if nothing else, I will have found a new friend, someone to learn something from.  After all, everything and everyone in front of us is our teacher.

I have been very sad for the last few days, I have felt like I was in mourning and that I was, well the lost of a friend is very sad but today when I was reading my favorite book no ordinary moments by Dan Millman, I came accross a pasage that spoke directly to me, it said something like....when someone leaves your life because they choose to, you have to accept it and mourn it and then set it free, only by doing this will you allow new experiences in your life, only this will help you to grow.  I love that book! every time I read it, I feel like I am new again.  It also said the following:

Expressing our feelings in the face of these cultural and social pressures takes real courage, the courage of a peaceful warrior..

When I read this, I couldn't help it but to smile, I smiled and said to myself, oh wow I am learning the way of the peaceful warrior, what a wonderful thing!

I wish I would of read that book almost 3 years ago, after I lost him, but If I called him my love again, I would probably be lying.  Today after I walked accross the Brooklyn bridge living in the moment, enjoying the beauty that was all around me, feeling the sun in my face and the wind and watching people as they took pictures and enjoying their time, It felt just wonderful.  I saw a man with a fancy camera and I went up to him and said, hey, did you take a picture of that? and I pointed at the moon and when he saw it he was in awe! and he looked at me and smiled and said "no I did not" and then proceeded to take a photograph, the rest of his family joined him as we were talking and we all smiled and I continued to walk.  I could not allow myself to walk accross that bridge and not let someone else in on my secret, the secret of the moment that was right in front of all those people, yet no one seemed to notice, because everyone was just to busy.  He, that man knew what I meant, he saw what I saw and he appreciated the fact that I pointed it out to him, his smile told me so.  The moon and the sun out together it was breath taking.

There was also him of course, he gave me permission to buy 10 dresses, why do I feel like that man runs my life? yet he does and I feel like I like it.  He helps me with every decision I make, he is the man in my life, without running things by him, I feel like I can't take the next step.  He runs my life in a tactful way, yet he doesn't run it at all, I am able to do as I please, yet he runs my life sort of and I enjoy it, it is the strangest thing.  We often have these disagreements that leave me wondering, what is happening? but we talked about my dresses to the point that he was confused, but he told me I could buy 10, and that I shall do! I am so excited about my new dresses, I love to feel like a lady.

Once I finished crossing the bridge, then and only then, did I allow myself to think of him, but if I call him my love, I will be lying.  The thought came to my mind, that he had introduced me to the concept of the moment and the peaceful warrior way, and then I wondered if he ever did that, did he ever live the moment? was he capable of doing such a thing? all the things he said he wanted to do, I was doing them, I was living them.  There I stood looking at all the beautiful flowers and the thought of him took my breath away and then I thought MY LOVE! but if I would of tried to say the words out loud, my words wouldn't have come out, because I did not believe him to be that anymore and then my eyes became watery and I felt scared, was he gone from my heart? had I finally let him go? was it him, that young man that I missed, the one that had finally saved me from that place I had been stuck in for so long?

Oh dear diary! what crazy moments we experience in life.  Today was a lovely day and now I shall leave you and go back to the most precious things I have, my three true loves!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbYWkegobTU

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

MEANINGFUL KISSES

And while people walked by maybe looking maybe not to the two souls it seemed as if no one else was around them.  In those moments, all that mattered were the tender kisses they shared.  There they stood by the bus stop leaning against the fence embracing one another, they fit together almost like two puzzle pieces that had finally found eachother to connect something great.  There they were, two souls that shared a bond and feelings of mutual understanding and genuine care for one another, the types of feelings that are not thought of or planned or grow in time, but rather, the instant one’s, the one’s that are just true and sincere.  Their kisses were gentle and loving, the kind you see on the big screen and feel in your heart.  There was no sexual desire or malice, no indecency in them, just kisses, simple clean, sweet, tender and meaningful, the one’s that come from the heart.  Well if you would of saw them, you would of thought that they were just two people in love.  A natural connection like that of a fairytale love story, were did they know each other from?

In those moments of gentle kisses, the world didn't exist to them, only what they felt mattered.  It would appear that they were in their own place, a bubble that surrounded them and sheltered them from everything around them.  In this place, nothing mattered.  It was as though in those moments, they were in a perfect world a world were no prejudices existed.  When these moments would pass, they would go back to the reality of life, to the real world, the world were people judge and people criticize and what people say matters because that’s just how it is.  After their moments, back in that real place in the cruel world that people have built, their feelings for each other wouldn’t be allowed almost.  What they were doing was almost wrong, what they felt they shouldn't.

Imagine if you lived in a world, were we all looked the same, where no one knew of age or color or social status a world where all that mattered were the feelings we felt for another soul based on compatible minds, based on compatible thoughts and feelings.  Where we saw another person as they were inside, a world where what really mattered was how we made each other feel when we were together. 

Would the kisses of two people that shouldn’t be kissing be criticized? Would people’s mutual love and sincere genuine feelings for one another be a problem because no one was being prejudice?  Or would it just be two happy souls, glowing with pure sincere bliss.  Two souls that when united just felt that they were just were they should be, two souls that when together time just passed without notice?

She often wonder about a world like that, a world were even her own prejudices of herself wouldn't matter.  A world were, nothing but kindness sincerity and love existed.  That world could exist, that world could exist within her.  She would make that world her own, but only when she could let go of the prejudices of herself, could she begin to let go of her prejudice for others.

She loved that soul standing before her, holding her in his warm embrace on a cold autumn night.  It was as if they had met before in a place where they couldn't remember.  But the place was real.  Maybe it had been in some far away land centuries before or maybe he had been a slave and her a slave owner in some other time or  maybe they were separated by a battle where he fought to defend her, why in his arms did she feel safe?  Maybe they had shared a love so true that only death had separated them.  No matter what had happened.  It had.  There was no other explanation for this natural bond that they felt.  The only explanation that could make sense of this natural connection and feeling of belonging that doesn't happen often in life, was that of two souls who found each other again, two souls that time had managed to rejoin them.   They met before, and there infinite love of another life time had helped them find each other again.  Except in this new world they could not continue their past love.  But deep inside, they both knew it, it was plain and true.  And although they couldn't remember the time, or the place, or the circumstances, the tender meaningful kisses they shared made them feel connected how come it felt like they had done this before? Why was it so natural? Right there by that bus stop, were nothing else existed, were new memories were being made and intimate moments being shared. Right there, were the world was kind and prejudices didn’t matter all that matter was those two loving souls.

What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...