Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Dear Journal - 8-31-11

Dear Journal -


I am soo extremely exhausted, that coming on here to write to you further proves, my love and commitment to you and my writing.  I feel as though I can not let you go that easily and that I simply must share with you certain things.




Yesterday was quite an eventful day, I bumped into someone who I I have been having a sort of love hate relationship now for nearly a year.  The other night, I had told this person, that if I bumped into him on campus, I was going to smack him right across his face.  Well, yesterday, I bumped into him and when I saw him, I figured I would go up to him to say hello, after all, I love him more then I hate him, or actually, I do not hate him at all.  To make a long story extremely short, when he saw me, he got up from where he was sitting and walked away from me, shying away thinking I was indeed going to smack him in the face WTF!.  I felt extremely sad, that he doesn't know me at all and that he actually thought I would indeed hit him.  




I do not hit anyone, that Jazzy no longer exists.  I am not violent anymore as I once was.  I have changed much in the last few years and when I said I was going to smack him, I said it out of being upset with his behavior towards me.  As he walked away from me not saying a single word, I did not know how to react, so I simply walked away towards the other direction.  I would be lying if I say, that I wasn't extremely hurt by him.  I walked to my class, as my eyes got watery and I wondered, what it was that I ever did to this person, for him to feel this anger towards me.  As of yesterday, he is dead to me, a good friend who I shared many laughs with.  Sometimes I guess it's better to allow people to just be and so I will most certainly avoid him at all cost.  Yes, I know that I threatened him, but I also later said I would not do anything to him, he knew this.  I remember him once walking down a set of stairs with me in school and him fearing I was going to harm him on the stairwell, really???? do I come across as that much of a crazy bitch?? Judgments!! this is what happens.  Don't get me wrong though, if I have to defend myself, I would, but I don't go around slapping or cutting anyone.  I guess it is what it is, I only hope one day, he will realize he had me all wrong.




Aside from that little very sad episode, I also came home to find my child with a huge cut on his finger and a broken wrist, he got hit by a car.  It was a hit an run, I keep wondering who hit my child with his car and just drove away as if my child was some piece of nothing.  At first I was extremely angry at this, later, as I thought about it, I felt sorry for this coward that did not have the guts to go back and check on my child.  This person, would definitely get slapped by me or rather, there is no telling what I would do to this bastard, who left my child on a street without checking to see what he did to him.  Luckily my baby is ok, and I will not even write anything about what if this or that, it serves no purpose to continue to think about the many possibilities.  


I have sent this stranger, much love, because clearly that is what this person needs in their life, because if this person had just a bit of love in his heart, he would of came back to check on my baby.  Life will take care of that for me and there is nothing that I need to do further, regarding this incident.  Obviously, I made a police report about the incident, but I have a feeling that this case is closed.  None the less, my heart is broken, that there can be people out there, that have no regard for another human life.  God, what is happening to this world?




On a happier note, I absolutely love my two classes! both my professors are absolutely amazing and I am so excited about both topics.  I still have to attend my third class which will be this Sunday and once I do so, I shall come back to you dear journal and tell you all about that as well.  




Today I learned, that Psychology comes from a greek word which means Psyche = Soul or spirit and Logia - Study of science so basically Psychology is the science of the soul.  Now, HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT! I have to say, that after today, I fell deeper in love with my field of study, and I look forward to coming back to you my dear journal, and reporting many wonderful new things that I shall uncover this semester.  Good night Journal!




Oh yeah one more thing, last night I learned that South Dakota, was under the ocean, 75 million years ago before the earth was struck by the Asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs.  WOW! how cool is it to know random facts! I SIMPLY LOVE IT!

Monday, August 29, 2011

SEXUAL DREAM WOOO HOOO!!!!

Man this past weekend was crazy to say the least.  The whole weekend, I felt like I was sitting in a movie theatre watching a horror movie and at the edge of my seat waiting for something to happen.  Luckily nothing serious occurred.  Last night however, almost as if to end the horror weekend streak, something happened to me, that I felt I needed to put on my blog.  I had the strangest dream that was straight up CRAZY!

I will start by saying that I have written in my blog in the past, that I hardly ever dream, which I find really sucks! It is a fact, that we all dream every single day, however, I NEVER remember my dreams.  Every now and then when I do remember my dreams, I get all excited because that is a rarity in my life.  The dream I had last night was really weird, sexual in nature and really creepy.   It left me wondering what the hell was that all about??? I woke up and I could still feel my heart beating really fast and I was sort of stuck like I couldn’t get up from my bed because I wasn’t sure if I was still in the dream or if I was fully awake! Has that ever happened to you???

My dream was about a man, a man that I actually know.  This man, who is a good friend, is someone that I admire, find to be extremely intelligent, very handsome, very cool, and just someone who has grown on me tremendously in the last few months.  However, this gentleman is not someone I have any sort of romantic ties to what’s so ever.  I see him like my go to person, someone that I can talk to and he is always there to give me advice.  We talk about all sorts of things, but mostly I go to him to complain about the men that have entered my life since I known him.  Him and I share a special platonic friendship that I truly have began to value.  To me, he is just this great guy!

So, it was really weird to me, when I woke up realizing that I had, had a dream about him.  Not only because the dream was sexual in nature, but also because I don’t ever remember my dreams.  So what was my dream you are dying to know??? Ok, here it goes...........

 JAZZY'S CRAZY DREAM! RATED R...... SOME WORDS MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ANYONE UNDER 13!!!
I dreamt that I was in the shower and my body was covered with soap suds, I was taking my time in my shower and in comes my friend, I remember not seeing him through the curtain, but rather, feeling very aroused by his prescense in the room.  I could feel his heavy breathing on the opposite side of the curtain.  Although I could feel his heavy breathing was that of a man, I could tell that the breathing was not that of a normal man, it was deep breaths like those of a beast.  I felt like I wanted him to come into the shower with me and for some reason I could tell that he was naked  I finally opened up the curtain slowly and looked at him.  When I saw him, I immediately recognized him, but he was not as he really is.  He was really hairy and had fangs and looked scary but very sexy all at the same time.  I wanted him to come into the shower and touch me.  I remember saying, come in, I want you.  I felt both fear and sexual desire at the same time.  My heart was racing really fast. 

When he came into the shower, I looked down and he had no genitals.  When I saw that, I freaked out and he looked at me and said, don’t worry, I have them.  He then showed me two holes at the bottome of his stomach and from one he squeezed out his penis, when it came out, it was like this long snake like horrifying but desirable looking thing.  Then, he said hold on a second, and handed me his scrotum sack.  I held it in my hand in and looked at it in shock, I remember just staring at it admiring them.  I was so horrified yet I still wanted this beast to make love to me.  Then, when he came closer to me as to begin to kiss me, I woke up! FUCK MY LIFE!
 *******************************************************************************
That was crazy as all hell and I kind of figured I dreamt it because I was nervous all weekend long and I had sent him a message to check on him and then he had asked me how I was doing and then he was sort of the last person that I thought of before I went to sleep.  I thought of him, because I was on FB and I read something he wrote, liked it put my phone down and immediately knocked out.

But, as paranoid as I am, I kept thinking all morning long, what does this mean??? I am a big believer that dreams have a deep meaning.  In reading up on becoming a warrior (a spiritual person) I have learned that a true warrior is capable of controlling their dreams HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT???? Seriously, I have always been fascinated with the dream world, so of course I had to look up my dream.  I kept thinking it might have something to do with my friendship with him or my feelings or something crazy.

I finally had a chance to go on different sites and research my dream.  After reading many different things trying to figure out what the hell this dream meant, it turns out that the most significant part of my dream was not that he was my friend or that I know this person, it actually has nothing to do with im at all.  The most significant thing in the dream was that of the weird genitals, which basically means, that my life lacks sexual activity.  Thanks dream, you just told me something I know! THANK YOU FOR YOUR REVALATION and further confirming! FUCK  MY LIFE!


Sunday, August 28, 2011

IRENE AFTERMATH!!!! Hurricane Love Story!

Ok, so I have to start by telling you all that I am still blogging! WOOOOO HOOOOO! this means I am alive and well! YES! I know that there were many people making a big deal about this hurricane business, and there were many drama queens saying all sorts of things about it and at the end, it wasn't that bad.  Well, I have to say, that I am very thankful to God for that.  I am far from being a drama queen, I don't really like drama and I try my hardest to stay away from it.  So, I just went through this quietly and only expressing to a very few, how nervous I was about it.  I don't usually pay attention to all the hype, because I know that many times, mayor's and authorities sort of over do things in order to maybe look good, or maybe they are just doing their job as they should do.




I have to say, that I am in disagreement, with all of those who were bad mouthing my mayor for "over doing" and "hyping things up."  It annoys me that people are so ungrateful in this beautiful country.  When you come from a country such as mine, that does not prepare nearly as much for catastrophe's, you sort of see life and things in a very different way.  I believe that it is better to be safe than sorry and I for one, am proud to say that I am a New Yorker, because my Mayor, cares about my safety.   I think that instead of going around bad mouthing him and continuing to complain, people should use that negative energy they are using to bitch and complain and use it for something positive like finding out if there is anything that needs to be done to ensure that tomorrow, we can have a safe commute back to work and move on with our lives.  


For all of those who are not aware, any sort of catastrophe that hits NYC, will impact the entire world.  If the financial district would of flooded or if something really bad would of happened to it, EVERYONE would suffer.  So, imagine the pressure that the mayor of NYC has.




I am happy to say that I live in the greatest city in the world, a place that has a little bit of everything.  I am happy that I am looking out of my window and all I see is a few branches on the streets.  I was really nervous, because I live near the ocean.  I think we all know, what mother nature is capable of doing and I never under estimate the power of the world.  So, yes maybe I am a bit of a drama queen when it comes to things like these, but I was once in an earthquake that scared me half to death.  Nothing that mother nature does, is a laughing matter.




The other day when I wrote about the hurricane, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/08/irene-you-biatch.html I also mentioned that I had asked my ex husband to stay with us.  I would love to say that I had a romantic evening with my ex and that we decided to get back together and have a family due to the stress of the dramatic events that were soon to unfold WTF!.  My life is not a soap opera with lots of twist and happy endings.  Nor did I ever intend to use this as an excuse to "get my man back" although if I would of been in love with him still, this would of been a really good way to do so.  Women know how to milk their damsel in distress skills when the need arises.  Anyway, I regret to disappoint  that this is not really a "hurricane love story."


The truth is, that I felt really awkward having him in my home, I cannot believe that this is a person I once loved and would do anything for.  He slept in one room, I in another just as we did at the end of my marriage.  Actually we barely talked, it was a bit annoying to be in the same place with him as there have been many times that this man makes my blood boil.  


Just comes to show that everything in life has an end, and that people do recover from love and that people can be friends for their children's sake.  My baby girl was soooo happy to be with her daddy.  I felt that I acted in a mature responsible way, by asking him to stay with us.   At one point this morning, he said something that annoyed me so immensely, that I kept wondering, how did I ever love this person??? he is not a bad person and I am not bad mouthing him, but it's just weird to me how human feelings change and how sometimes in life, we think omg! I can't live without this person, but then when you are over it, you are like OMG! how did I ever tolerate this person?


He actually told me about girls he dates and said to me that I was getting old, when I mentioned that people annoy me and I have issues when it comes to romantic relationships.  We laughed and I agreed that I am getting old and that I was ok with it.  After, he went on his merry way.  It was pretty cool being able to talk like two adults and feel ok about it.  Anyway, just thought I would share that bit of experience with whom ever should come across my blog and might be going through a difficult love experience.  Trust me when I tell you that,   EVERYTHING IN LIFE PASSES, EVEN A HURRICANE!......

Friday, August 26, 2011

IRENE YOU BIATCH!

Ok, so I'm sure that if you live on planet earth, you probably heard of Hurricane Irene by now, and if you haven't, then that makes me really happy cause you are hearing it right here on Jazzy's journal first! woooo hoooo!!! I'm writing about something significant FINALLY!!! about time Jazz!


I needed to write something because all day long, all down my newsfeed on FB everyone had something to complain and bitch about regarding their feelings about this hurricane.  Some had some really funny things like, I survived and earthquake a blizzard and now I'm ready for the hurricane.  Other's were bitching because they couldn't fly somewhere, other's were annoyed that they couldn't go to the beach or couldn't get drunk their last weekend before school starts and other's were just annoyed that other's were bitching.  What can I tell you, we are NYer's and we are good at bitching, that's how we roll.


But the truth that I believe is that there is a sense of anxiety and stress that we all feel in some sort of way.  Since this is my blog and I am a selfish bitch, I really don't care about other's, because it's all about Jazzy! so, I will tell you the truth about how I feel about this hurricane.  


I feel a sense of anxiety, because honestly, although I know that people are saying that it isn't that big of a deal and I too agree because that's how things usually go down in NYC, something deep down is telling me that this isn't a laughing matter and that the fact that they are shutting down our transit system, definitely gives me the creeps.  I don't know, I keep visualizing all the movies they ever made about how NY goes down under because of a wave.  YES! I know I am totally exaggerating here, but hey, this is my blog and I can cry if I want to!  But seriously, I feel anxious, I feel as if I am waiting for someone and I don't know how to wait for it, as if there is something I need to do but don't know what it is.  


I asked my ex husband earlier today, if he could come stay with us, because I felt that if anything needed to be done and I couldn't do it, then at least he would be here with us and I won't feel so helpless. I sort of feel like a damsel in distress and I need to feel safe in some young guys arms, what can I tell you, my ex husband is 10 years younger and he is a hotty! so, why not right???


Honestly, I don't know if I'm annoyed or happy that he will be around for a whole day, this will be an interesting experience to say the least, since being around him usually annoys me tremendously.  But I just felt like it is the right thing to do, he lives alone and for something crazy like this, he should be with his kids.  I don't think anything will happen between us, since him an I have a strictly platonic relationship, but I know that his lil girl and boy, will be extremely happy, that daddy will be around for a whole day.  That makes me happy.


Have I prepared at all for this hurricane you ask??? UM my name is Jazzy and if you know me at all, you will know that I am a procrastinator, so no, I have not done a thing, but I promise that tomorrow morning I will go out and get some bread, eggs, milk and cereal.  Oh yeah, and some ice cream so I can lock myself up in my room, read, write watch some movies and hopefully watch as nothing happens.


I think I want to tape my windows up, because I live on the 6th floor and on regular rainy days, my windows look like they are going to crack or something, so maybe it's time that I take things a bit serious and do something like and adult and make sure I do what needs to be done to protect my children.


Who ever comes across this blog and is feeling anxious or nervous or scared, then I am proud of you, because that means you are not an alien, it means you are human just like me.  I feel all those things, because all this talk about this hurricane, is driving me crazy!


ps. I read this short blog that I thought I would share.......it's philosophical and I thought it made so much sense.  It's really short and I think everyone in NYC who is feeling any sort of anything, should check it out.




http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/philosophical-readings-to-help-you-cope-with-hurricane-irene/2011/08/26/gIQAtz9AhJ_story.html?wprss=



Good Luck NYC! you will be ok!


Oh, and my mom keeps texting me, this really nice things.  Why can't she just show them to me on her phone, she is literally sitting in the next room... OMG! technology, what have you done to my family :)




Thursday, August 25, 2011

SECRET CONVERSATIONS WITH A MAN 2

I once wrote about a man that I used to have "secret conversations with" http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/secret-conversations.html the reason why these conversations were secret, wasn't because he or I were married or because either one of us had anyone special in our lives, but because of other circumstances that are very complicated and therefore I cannot really write them on my blog.  One day, I hope to write about this story in my book, because it is definitely something that I am sure many women will be able to relate too.  For now, I want to write about some thoughts that made me really sad today.


This man, who I developed a huge crush for, or I am almost afraid to admit that it was probably way more then just a crush, I developed strong feelings for him, but it was not love.  It was really hard not to feel the things I did for him, because when I think of the man that I deserve in my life, he comes to my mind.  The conversations we use to share, were so broad and our chemistry was so strong, that even a blind person would of felt what we would feel when we were around each other.  I am sure that this man had many reservations as to why he would not date me and I have to admit that so did I, but never the less, we both had to hold back our feelings and pretend that there was nothing there.


Today, I missed him.  I especially missed him, because he was the person who helped me to make the decision to change my major in college and go after what I really wanted to do, he was my mentor, I had this huge admiration for him.  Without being asked to, I automatically wanted to do things for him, I wanted to take care of him.  When a woman begins to develop feelings for a man, I feel that it is almost instinctual, to want to take care of them, woman are naturally nurturer's and therefore the moment I felt like I wanted to "take care of him" further confirmed to me that the feelings that I had for this man, were real.  I don't see him often anymore, and I am glad that I don't, because it's difficult to see the one you can sort of see yourself with and have to pretend that you don't care.  


Today however, I wanted so badly to tell him that I would be starting my major courses this semester, I wanted so badly to go to him and ask him how he was doing, but I knew that this would not be a good idea.


One day, I asked him what he thought about a woman asking a man out, I have never in my life asked a man out and well, I don't think I would be capable of doing so (I would be to scared).  When I say ask a man out, I mean like say to him, XYZ, I would really like it if you would accompany me to dinner.  I don't ever really date, I don't like to go out to dinner with people because I don't want to waste my time or that of others, I'm very picky when it comes to whom I spend my short valuable time with, so I don't really go out on "dates" much, when I think of spending over an hour with any given person at a table somewhere, it has to be someone that I already know and like and so forth, other than that, I just don't have the patience for the whole "dating" thing.  Anyway (yes I know I'm strange) but anyway, I asked him that and he told me that he felt that there was absolutely nothing wrong with a woman asking a man out, and that his last three girlfriends, had actually asked him out.  After he told me that, he looked at me almost annoyed and said, "you better not ask out xyz out!"  I looked at him surprised because he was clearly showing me jealousy and then I thought to myself, God, if you only knew that it is you I want to ask.  After that conversation, I never said anything to him about it again.


Today, when I thought of him and about all those conversations that we shared, I wanted so badly to have the balls to go to him and say, XYZ, I would really like it if you would accompany me to dinner.  But, I know I can't, I don't know how.  Additionally, if he turned me down, I don't know how I would feel, it would probably be really bad.  Also, I am not sure that I would want to go out with him anymore.  I think it was just a thought that I had, a quick thought that I had because I missed our conversations, I missed his advice, I missed him genuinley caring about me, because I know that he did.  




Sometimes in life, it is better to leave things un said then to make a fool out of yourself asking someone who thinks they are better then you, out to dinner.  He has many things that I don't have, but I never cared about his material things, I cared about him, I saw him, I got to know him and he knew that. 


I wanted to put this on my blog because since I don't speak to him anymore, and he doesn't even know the URL to my blog, I needed to let that out, I find that when I write my thoughts, then I can just forget about it.  So, I'm writing it, and now I can forget about it.  People come and go out of my life, no biggie it's life.  I do hope though, that one day, when "the one" comes into my life, he sort of resembles him, minus the "she's not good enough for me" thing.  WOW don't people know that we all rot in our graves the same way? Bitter much Jazzy??? Yes, I believe I am.  Maybe one day, I will forget that he treated me less than and that it really hurt me.  These were all just thoughts, I'm random that way.  






Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Promise (Music Video) - When in Rome

I'll always be here, if ever you need me.


JOURNAL ENTRY 8-24-11

Dear Journal:

I must begin this entry by telling you that I am really really happy, the reason for my happiness, is that I was at my school yesterday finishing up some paper work so that I can start classes on Sunday.  I bet when I sound excited about studying, there are probably some that think I’m weird, Journal, I am as weird as they come, but I like it.  In addition to being weird, I am very slow about things at times, but I am ok with all of this, because I am human and being human, means, not being perfect!

Yes, tis true, I cannot wait to enter that classroom on Sunday, because that means that I am one step closer to making my dream become a reality.  It is happening right before my eyes, my dream of having my degree, the dream that I have waited for, for over 10 years.  As I write this, I get anxious and excited, because I have never wanted anything so badly in my life. 

What else can I report dear journal, well, I told my friend last night, that I have decided to become celibate, yes, I am.  I made this decision because finding a suitable sexual partner has become such a dramatic experience, that I just sort of gave up.  Yes, I can go out meet people and sleep around, but I don’t feel comfortable doing such things.  My body is my temple and I have to respect it as such.  I try really hard to treat people with love and respect, and I must admit that I treated someone with very little of that, and he did not deserve such treatment and I will try to see him soon and tell him that I am sorry. 

Having sex for revenge never leaves you feeling good and I am not that person, the one that does things because she is angry at someone else, or at least, I did not think to be that person, but I allowed myself to do it and now I feel that I have not behaved well, not only did I treat someone with disrespect, but I cheated myself and my feelings.  No, I do not have a boyfriend to be faithful too, but I do have myself to be faithful to, I have my feelings to be faithful too and I cheated myself.

So, because having sex is this huge dramatical dilemma in my life, I decided not to have sex and this way, it is one less thing that I have to worry about.  I am sure I will miss it and I am not sure how long I will be able to do this for, but I have gone for long periods of times before without planning it, so I figured as long as I don’t think about it (which I’m sure I will) then I won’t miss it much. 

I was running and studying and attending my philosophy classes and just enjoying life and I felt really happy, then I began to think about sex and it sort of made things difficult, sex is not suppose to be that hard, sex is just a thing we do because we are human, but, along with sex comes all these other things that sometimes we don’t anticipate to happen and all of a sudden, your caught up in all sorts of things.  Is it really worth it? I am not sure.

What else can I tell you journal? Well, the other day, I did something that I could not believe I was doing, I deleted someone from my FB friends.  I have a public page so it doesn’t matter if I delete people or not, but I did it, because I no longer wanted to know things about this person, the reason for that was, that there were things being said about this person that I could not handle, it hurt me and because it is difficult for me to not express my thoughts to people, I decided that what I did not know would not hurt me, so I rather just not know.  Strangely enough, I never thought I would be capable of doing such a thing, like I hear people saying that they delete people off all of the time, but to me, FB is not that serious so I never “clean it out” as people put it, but this one person, I could no longer stand to watch as people said things that in my heart I could not believe and so I just decided that it would be best for me to detach myself from that sort of bad energy that does not serve me or that person any good purpose. 

Sometimes I wish they saw what I did.  I do not like to be part of gossip or anger or these sorts of sentiments that clearly serve no good purpose in my life, sometimes it is best to just take a step back and allow the people that are in those sorts of situations to realize themselves that they are way better then all of that and that they can rise above all that which serves no good purpose to them, but again, that is something we each need to do for ourselves, no one can do it for us.

I live and learn every single day, and I hope that whomever comes across this my journal, can take something from it, something positive and good.  Life is so beautiful and it can be so simple if we really want it that way.  We are the kings/Queens of our lives, I am the Queen of Jazzy!
I am Jazzy and this is my journal, thank you for coming into my world……



Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Sexual Positions

The other day I was talking to someone, and he was telling me how he was really good at writing things of a sexual nature.  He told me that he could probably write a blog about it and it would be really good.  I told him he should do it.  I always encourage people to do the things they want to do.  I myself have been thinking about writing a sex blog, however, if I decide to do so, I don't think I will advertise it the way I do this one, it will probably be anonymous, although I will share it with people that are open minded and not judgmental.  


As I said to this person who I was talking to, I told him that sex is just a thing, but it isn't everything.  Sex is not everything, or at least it isn't everything to me.  When it comes to relationships, sex is but a piece of a great big puzzle.  Anywho, this post isn't about my future blog ideas.


This blog post, is about a sexual in nature email that Benjamin (the man I was in love with) and I once wrote to each other.  Now, the thing that made this email so exciting to me, was that Benjamin being the clever extremely intelligent nerd that he is, he did not once use a dirty word because he did not need to.  Him and I corresponded with each other for over a year and he was always extremely respectful.  The emails we wrote to each other on this one occasion, we wrote them in such a way, that it made both our imaginations run wild with excitement.  


I went into my archives today trying to find the email string, and I could not find them, but below is what I remember of it.  Again, Benjamin and I corresponded with each other for a year and not once, did him and I ever wrote to each other about sex or "what we would do to each other in bed" Benjamin, was very respectful and a gentleman to me, maybe that is why I fell madly in love.  But this one time, I wrote him an email just to test him and see if he would go there, of course, I was also very tasteful in the way I wrote my email to him, the last thing I wanted him to think, was that I was some sleezy chick, because that I am not, however, I wanted to see what he would say or do.  


Being the creative person that I am, I used my job, to lure him into "going there" meaning, I rolled played using the fact that I was at that time a technical recruiter and he was in the IT industry.  So I sent him an email, pretending I was trying to recruit him for a position.  Obviously, he knew what I was doing.  At first, I didn't get a response, but finally, I guess he also enjoyed my creativity, and responded.  After we wrote those emails to each other, we never talked about them.  It was as if those emails did not exist, we rolled played and that was the end of the story.  When I tried bringing it up in a regular email, he did not want to talk about it.  I wonder why Benjamin was so weird.  Somedays, like today, when I am writing all these things about him, I really miss my friend.


All I have to say is, that I was never so turned on by a man, as I was with those few emails.  Of course I loved him so anything he said turned me on, but still, he was just so clever and tasteful that I was just simply in awe.  I sure wish I would of at least had had the opportunity to have at the very least shared a kiss with my love, but well, it didn't happen.  I hope he is well....


Below are the emails as I remember them, that's how good they were, at least in my opinion.......


Dear Mr. Nunez(that is not really his name)


My name is Jazzy and I am a technical recruiter for a small IT staffing firm in Midtown Manhattan.  I have a few positions I feel that you are suitable for.  If you are available, I would be very interested in showing them to you.  Please respond to this email with your contact information and let me know when you are available for me.


Sincerely,
Jazzy
Recruiter


Dear Ms. Jazzy:


Thank you for your interest in me.  I would be very interested in seeing these positions you are contacting me about.  I am available for you at your leisure.  I am very excited to have you flesh them out to me.


I look forward to meeting you.


Sincerely, 
Benjamin


Dear Benjamin:


Before we meet to discuss these very exciting positions, I need to let you know, that these positions will require the following:


Careful planning
flexibility
attention to detail
discretion


Overtime is required.  Please let me know when you are free, the sooner I am able to show them to you the better.


Sincerely, 
Jazzy
Recruiter


Dear Ms. Jazzy:


These positions are exciting me.  You are making me want to know more.  Please let me know how deep you would like to engage in the conversation about them.  I am sure you have a really tight schedule, but I can find a way to squeeze in some time in there.  


Please advise asap.


Sincerely,
Benjamin


Dear Benjamin:


Although my schedule is extremely tight, you will have in depth details once I squeeze you in.  I assure you, you will not regret the time you spend with me.


Have a great afternoon.


Sincerely,
Jazzy
Recruiter


Dear Jazzy:


I look forward to seeing you.


Sincerely, 
Benjamin

MARILYN MONROE- I ' M THROUGH WITH LOVE

I love this song, it reminds me of when I was bitter about Benjamin.  Now, I believe again, because love is the most wonderful thing in the world! Yes, I can smile again and I'm through with him.... YAY!!! Please note: it took me years, but the point is that it does go away..... hahahaha.....


MOVING ON IS DIFFICULT, BUT NEVER IMPOSSIBLE!





Second tiny little story


Once upon a time:

There was an email account that had e-mails from a beautiful name, and everytime the owner opened her email, there it was "the one" she was looking for, the only name that mattered.
 
One day, the name was there no more, and she cried and cried and a year passed and she still cried and hoped and dreamed, that one day, she would open that email and see the name again.
 
The End.

Tiny story


Once Upon a time:

There lived a boy who loved a girl who loved him back.  They were so scared they didn't dare, admit to that.
 
They tried with others and tried and tried, but all the while, as life was passing, why was she missing him? why was he missing her? who's fault was that?
 
But then one day, they found the courage, they found the strength to get his girl and her, her boy. 
 
She gave up fighting, he gave up fear and that's the story for now my dear.
 
The End.

I'M SCARED

I was looking through my old archived emails that I wrote to Benjamin (the man I was in love with for over 3 years who was a friend and stopped talking to me and I wrote him over 500 letters trying to make up with him, and he never wrote back) I want to put some stuff up on here, because soon, I will be sort of deserting my blog.  This makes me really sad, but I know that I will be so busy that I will probably not have much time for writing anything other then papers for school.  Anyway, I found this little poem I had sent him once, and I remembered when I wrote it and how I felt.  I thought it was sweet and I wanted to put it on my blog, because well, this is my life.......


Thank you for allowing me to share my life with you, you, whomever you are that chose to read my crazy thoughts, my dreams, my stories, my life.  I should of wrote this poem to you my sweet readers, because he surely did not deserve my poems or my love....


A short poem for Benjamin Nunez (that is not his real name)  I wrote this on - July, 23 2009
**************************************************

I'm scared, when I wake up every morning and my first thought is you.

Im scared, that I never got to feel your lips softly pressed against mine, afraid that your fingers never felt my soft curls, for your touch would have been the sweetest touch.

Im scared that what I feel isnt real its just a thought that wont go away.

Im scared for I do not know for the first time in my life how to move on.  Afraid to let go and loose you from my mind.

I'm scared, said aideu to love.

WINTER CUDDLE BUDDY APPLICATION

This morning I told my friend, that my summer had been so overwhelming in the matters of romance, that I had decided that for the next few months, I pretty much did not want to date.  I told him that every fall, I go into this sort of hybernation thing, where I focus so hard on school, that I am seriously left with no time for love or romance.  He told me he doesn't think this is healthy, because I should be out there dating and that I should not be denying myself the possibility of love.  I had to disagree with him on that one, I think that when you are focused on your goals you are not really denying yourself of anything, because you are doing what you want.  Besides, if it happens it happens, but I'm just not really thinking about that right now, I can't allow anything to distract me from the things I need to do.  In addition, working, studying and taking care of your children, is really hard, so, I pretty much have no time.

I guess this sort of explains why when the spring hits, I become like a wild woman, that wants to just go out into the world and explore new romantic possibilities.  I guess when the warm weather hits me, I start thinking about love all over again, although during the winter "cuddle season" I ever so often think to myself, "damn, today is a nice day to cuddle."  In those occasions, I grab one of my kids and completely annoy them by forcing them to sleep with me.  Not the same obviously, but well, that is unconditional love so I will take it!

I don't really have a plan when it comes to love, I am a strong believer that what is meant to be, will be, no matter what circumstances surround the situation.  In life, we need not really do much other then let things come the way they should. 

Anyhow, when I told my friend all of this, he was like, Jazz, you have kids I have none, I need me a "cuddle buddy" so we started to laugh really hard and I told him I was going to create an application for him, so he could get some candidates.  I came up with the application below in about 10minutes.  He was laughing so hard that I thought I would share it with you all.  PLEASE FEEL FREE TO USE MY APPLICATION......
Please note: this application was created for a man, if you are a woman and want to change certain things, please feel free to do so........ ps. this is meant to be funny and fun........
CAUTION: DON'T REALLY GIVE THIS TO A WOMAN, YOU WILL PROBABLY GET SLAPPED!

Winter cuddle buddy application

Please fill out all questions.  You will only be considered for the cuddle buddy position, if you answer ALL questions.
1.      How many times a day do you brush your teeth?

2.      Do you shower regularly?

3.      What kind of body lotions do you like to utilize?

4.      Can you come over on short notice?

5.      What have you done for yourself lately?

6.      Are you willing to cook, in the event that we are cuddling     and get hungry?
7.      If the answer to number 6 is no, do you have your own money to order some food?

8.      Are you willing and able to discuss different subject matters other then the daily drama’s about life?

9.      What is your highest educational level?

10.  Do you have good credit? (please note, this questions is relevant in the event that during our cuddling sessions, we fall in love, I need to know that we can build together)

11.  What is your 5 year plan? (Please note, this question is also relevant should we fall for one another, I want a woman that has plans and goals in life)

12.  Are you open to watching all sorts of movies? (I like romantic comedies every now and then, but don’t think I will cuddle with you if that is all you want to watch)

13.  How many times a week are you available for cuddling?

All applications will be screened thoroughly for consideration.  You will hear from my assistant Jazzy in 3-5 days.


Monday, August 22, 2011

A SEASON A REASON A MOMENT IN TIME.

He became my new reason, I wasn't sure if only for a season, my project my new found object of affection.  I cannot find the words to describe it really, the feelings are strange, almost new to me it seems.  Confused and lost in thoughts of how, why, when? we constantly fought it, but it was hard to deny it, that there was something there.

He made up a word and I loved it, because that meant that he was original.  Luingisist was it? Not  sure, but clever non the less so much laughter never pain.  Great memories we built together, so glad I made him happy.

People come in to our lives for a reason, for a season, or for a life time.  Which ever it may be, my purpose I can see.  He was thankful to me, I showed him a new world. I was thankful to him, he kept me company, and I learned something from him.  I would be lying if I said that he made me feel nothing.  Because life, is filled with somethings. And he was something else! 



People always come into our lives for a reason, so you take what you can, get what you can, learn what you can and thank that they came...........


Memorable moments will forever remain in my heart........ Summer days, summer nights, summer loves, summer gone.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

SO SPECIAL!

I like to be expressive, I can be so in a nice way, or sometimes in a very bad way also.  I am not perfect nor do I pretend to be.  It is with my constant mistakes, that I can learn and grow from them.  I often feel as if I don't try hard enough, emotions are a constant struggle.  I only hope I am not the only abnormal person in this world, that has a roller coaster of emotions and struggles to control words, thoughts and feelings.......


I was looking for FB statuses, and decided that I no longer really need to put anything on there, because I usually erase whatever I put up.  Instead, when I find one that means something to me or that I read it and it makes me think of something or someone, that I will put it on my blog, so one day later on, I can always reference it and think, that was the time when I was XYZ.  


I saw this one and it made me think of something that I have been looking forward to, so I wanted to share it with anyone who wanders into my blog or maybe someone who wants to know what I'm up to, or just the really cool people that like to follow my blog....... THANK YOU! YOU ARE EVER SO DAMN FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!


AGAIN, THANK YOU FOR WANDERING INTO MY MIND! PEACE AND LOVE... 


Below is what I wanted to share, I found it relevant.


***************************************************************
This didn't have a title so I will call it crossing out the calendar days.  It's short, but oh so sweet!
****************************************************************

I love crossing off the days on my calendar because each day that passes, is a day closer to being in your arms.

The end....

Monday, August 15, 2011

Dear Journal - 9-15-11

Dear Journal:


I feel like I have been neglecting you as of late.  Need I say sorry? I am feeling a bit down, because soon, I will probably be neglecting you even more.  Today, I received the email that I have been waiting for, telling me that my application for financial aid had been processed, this makes me EXTREMELY happy.


I have to say that I am really excited about starting my classes again.  Every time it's time for a new semester, I get all sorts of excited, I love to learn!  It's so awesome when you can have a conversation with people about random things other than life and all the drama that comes with it.  


The other day, I was having lunch with my friend Rui and him and I started talking about silly facts, he told me something that completely grossed me out, he said that in our life time we will eat about 50 spiders! 50 YUK! Rui is such an intelligent young man, I got really happy when he told me to have lunch with him, he told me about his trip to China and then told me that he loved to hear my stories.  I of course had a good one for him as I usually do.  He started to laugh and tell me that he couldn't wait until the day I wrote my book, because he knew that it was going to be good.  My response to him was, Rui, that is still a long way coming and thank you so very much for believing in me.  He's truly awesome, he always encourages me and believes in my goals.  I need to remind myself often that people like him are the people I really want to be around and that there are some pretty cool people in my life.  Rui just graduated college and already he got himself and awesome job, he's so smart, I LOVE THAT!


What else can I report to you dear journal, I'm afraid my life has taken a toll of the boring lately, but I am perfectly ok with that.  The other day, I sent Adam a txt, remember Adam? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/04/meeting-adam.html Anyway, I sent him a message and we began talking about the winter, I told him that my goal for this winter was to find a boyfriend and once I said that, he was very concerned about the fact that we had not seen each other since we met.  God men are weird! I lied to the world when I posted the blog about him, I didn't mention that the day I met Adam, we kissed for hours, I enjoyed kissing him very much, but unfortunately for me, I wasn't really into him! OF COURSE! this is pretty much the story of my life.  Who is Jazzy ever really into? God I suck!


Sometimes I feel like my love life is a revolving door and every single end of summer for the last maybe 2 years, I have this same conversation with my cousin about "wifing someone" and we laugh about it, and I tell myself I'm going for it and then, I begin to think about it so deeply, that I get that nauseas feeling in my stomach and all of a sudden I just want to throw up and I change my mind.  


When did I become this woman who is afraid of commitment and love? It sort of depresses me.  I'm so faithful to my single hood, why? it get's so damn lonely sometimes, or when I have some free time at least.  I think during each month I go through feeling lonely maybe about 3 times.  Mostly when I am pre-menstrual, maybe that's why? Anyway, I told Adam that we definitely need to hang out, but the truth is we probably won't, Adam lacks something, but I don't know what?  They always lack something.  


Maybe I'm the one lacking lots of things, like being affectionate and sweet, I try my hardest to be that way, but I feel like I have to force it.  My nature is to be really sweet, I love giving my love and being affectionate, but I just can't seem to be able to do it to anyone in a really long time.  The minute I catch myself being affectionate in some sort of way, I immediately stop.  Wow, I almost feel like I'm becoming this robot who just doesn't really care about men anymore.  So I always end up doing the same thing every time, I push people away so they can disappear from my life quickly and I can focus on the things that I am really interested in doing, studying.  Or maybe I do that because I don't trust and the minute I want to try to trust, I refuse to do so.  Who the hell knows, maybe once I start my Psychology class I can psycho analyze myself, that should be very interesting.  Sometimes people think they know me, except that is close to impossible since I sometimes barely know myself WTF!


I am sooooo excited about this semester, my favorite thing about starting new classes is the new cute guys that I hope to have in my class, I'm such a damn flirt! When I start my classes I always make friends with the boys, I'm not really fond of female friendships, I have made some really good guy friends in my school.  There are well over 3000 thousand students, so I am sure there will be at least one eye candy to look at for the semester, so MUCH FUN! 


I went to the Hamptons the other day and I was supposed to go and party like a rock star and when I got there I was so tired from driving, that I fell asleep, that was the highlight of my trip there.  I went to visit my family and had a blast just being around them.  Partying doesn't always interest me as much, some times I get in this crazy rock star mood, but for the most part, I kind of don't really enjoy it anymore.  I guess this is what they call growing old? but then again, my mom is 62 and party's like a rock star she tells me I am just an unhappy boring person lately.  That is not true, it's just that I feel perfectly happy just chilling.  


Anyway, on my way back from the Hamptons, I gave this guy a friend of my cousin, a ride back to NY.  He was really cool, he told me a bunch of stories about his drug dealing days.  The whole time as he was telling me these things, I couldn't help but to keep thinking, damn that's a good story to write.  So at some point, I shall.  He came back to NY so he could leave to Florida, when I dropped him off he asked to take me out to diner and I declined, I am just not one to lead people on in anyway, I could tell that he was interested in me so I did not want to go anywhere with him and waste his or my time, he was really cool though, I have to admit that I enjoyed my ride to NY with the almost stranger (not really cause he was my cousin's friend, but he was a stranger to me).


I have decided that once class starts, I will be going back into what I like to call my shell.  When I'm in my "shell" mode, I feel like I concentrate better and get a lot accomplished.  I guess if I'm bored one night or something I can call Adam and go get a beer with him or something, with Adam, I know that he genuinely likes me as a person, we have known each other for over 3 years now, an almost purely texting relationship, it is just the strangest thing ever.  But Adam, is ALWAYS there when I need him, I can text him at 7:00 am or 4:00 am and my ever so faithful friend will respond, so strange.  The weirdest thing too is that I won't ever think of him or want to talk to him, it will just be some random thing that he will come to my mind and I will send him a message.  The other day though, he sent me a message, this is before I sent him the one when we talked about the winter, when I saw his name on my phone I couldn't believe my eyes! Adam NEVER sends me messages, as I said, we talk randomly ever few months.  Anyway, I asked him why he was single and he didn't answer my question.  I know why though, he is single for the same reason I am, both our hearts were broken pretty bad.


Journal, I am having a hard time trusting, what will I ever do about that? there will eventually be a time where I have to trust someone right? I do not trust and I am afraid that the person that I was hoping would trust me, does not trust me either, this makes me sad.  If someone makes you feel sad, I fear that that person has a bit more of your heart that you may have thought? I don't know why, but when this person expressed there distrust to me, it hurt me.  Maybe I need to concentrate more on the things that are important like staying focused and not worry about the fact that there are people that will not trust me.  


But again, yesterday, after that person showed me that they did not trust in me, and I initially blew off the whole thought, I could not help but continue to think about it today, it was like this little lingering annoying feeling inside of me that I felt I needed to address.  It shouldn't have mattered, but it did, more then I thought it should.  So I was walking across the Brooklyn Bridge (God I love that bridge) and I expressed my discontent to this person and instead of me getting an, apology as I thought I should have, I got something completely different.  For so many people it is so hard to apologize, why is that so? anyway, after not getting the apology I thought I was owed, I stopped somewhere close to the end of the bridge and I looked out into the city, and I began to cry.  I started to think about the fact that when I was married, the whole time, I was constantly being accused of things I did not do.  Being accused of things you don't do, really sucks and sort of makes you just do them, just cause.


When there is no trust, there pretty much isn't anything.  I feel really sad about this, but well, life is life and we just have to accept, try to understand and know that as long as we trust in ourselves, it really doesn't matter what other's opinions of us are.  I trust in myself and what I know to be true about me and at the end of the day, I guess that's the important thing.


Good night journal, I am really tired.

Friday, August 12, 2011

They found their one! YAY!

When loneliness starts to hit you, you begin to make up stories in your mind about all the different people in your life, and you begin to almost fantasize and make up scenarios about how this or that person is "the one" at almost 40, I have come to one sad realization that I have accepted and am ok with.  That realization is, that I have never met him, "the one" I never even used to think about the "the one" theory, until after I met Benjamin, before him, everyone who I was ever with, was never really good enough.  I know that seems like a horrible thing to say, but the reality is, that at some point in my relationships, I always began to feel like there was something missing, like I needed and wanted more and that the individual I was with, did not fill that which I needed completely. 

Obviously, as I have gotten older and experienced different things in life, I have also realized that no one can make you happy, unless you are already happy and that the only way you can truly be fulfilled is to already be happy and then when that special person comes into your life, they just add to your already happy life.  That at least is my theory that in my mind is the right scenario.  It’s like wow, I’m happy a bit lonely yes, but for the most part pretty happy, then along comes this person, blows my mind and makes me even happier! WOW! That’s awesome.  For the most part, I find that most people look to others for happiness and when that occurs, you always end up feeling un happy.  That’s what I did all of my life. 

My longest relationship has been of 3 years.  I did not even believe in "the one" theory at all to be honest.  I used to always say, that there is only “the one” for that moment in your life, but then, I think of one of my best friends, and all of a sudden, that idea, of “the one” becomes a reality!

On May 6, 2011 I was lucky enough to witness the wedding of the year at a hotel in Omaha, Nebraska.   I witnessed, as one my closest friends, married her one.  As I watched my friend walking down the stairs in her beautiful white long tailed gown, accompanied by her brother, I couldn't help but to think, that maybe there is such a thing, and that I was just bitter about love.  There, alongside 150 other guest, I watched as she marched down slowly step by step, the sun so bright behind her, it almost appeared as if an angel was descending down from heaven, her flawless beauty in her white gown just took all our breaths away.  We all watched in awe.  And the day, could not of been more perfect, the air was crisp and warm and I could feel the warmth of the sun on my face.  The atmosphere was full of love and peace.
I had to at one point look at the groom, because in my mind, I still could not absorb all this beauty before me, I needed to know, that my best girl, was about to join, the best man in the world.  Who was this stranger from Nebraska? And, did he really love my girl? I still needed peace of mind, because I don’t believe in “the one” but then,  when I turned to look at him, it didn't take me long for me to realize, that before us all, stood a real man a man in love.  This stranger that we all had also come to love, was waiting for his woman.  When looking at him, it almost appeared as if him and the sun had become one, that is how happy he looked.  He’s demeanor was calm and ready.  He was ready to take on this new challenge in his life, that of being a husband, he was ready to take care of my girl for the rest of his life. 

Finally the two came together and stared into each other’s eyes, as they looked at one another in complete happiness and love and said their vows with a smile on their face, I realized, that there was such a thing as “the one” and that these two lucky people, have found that in each other.
Last night, I was talking to my friend telling her how lucky she was, I have spent time with them at their home and have witnessed their love so true for one another.  There is trust, there is commitment, there is communication and there is so much love.  He treats her with love and respect and vice versa, they complete each other, it’s just a pleasure to be around so much love.

When a man loves a woman, there is nothing he will not do for her, this is a fact, and I see this in him for my girl.  When a man loves a woman, he wants to flaunt her to the world and that he always does.  When a man loves a woman, he will go out of his way to make her happy and that is what he does for my friend.  When a man loves a woman, he takes her to the alter and makes her his bride.  That man, my new friend Rob, loves Maria and vice versa, my friend makes her man happy this I know for sure.

I WANT TO DEDICATE THIS BLOG POST TO MY TWO FRIENDS WHO I LOVE!
I WISH YOU BOTH, A LIFE TIME OF LOVE AND HAPPINESS!
I didn’t give you a wedding gift, so this is my gift to you!
ROB AND MARIA – LOVE SO TRUE 5-6-11

Ps. Thank you for helping me believe in love again!

What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...