Monday, January 30, 2012

Dear Journal: 01-30-12 - Can't give all my secrets away!

Dear Journal:


Sometimes I want to call you diary and then I retype the word and change it to journal, I think I need to look up the difference, hold on I will do it now.....OMG!!!! I can't believe it!!!! I did choose the right term! A diary is like a log of the daily events, a journal is about examining your life like a JOURNEY... I LOVE IT!!! from today on I am extremely happy that I used the right term to describe you my wonderful journal!!! OH Gosh! I do get lost in you sometimes and completely forget that there will be eyes set upon you that aren't my own, but I love you, you are a piece of my journey.


Today I wrote a letter, like an actual letter with a pen on a piece of paper.  I cannot tell you were this letter is headed or two whom it is addressed, all I can say is that I wrote it with great pleasure and I am sure that the recipient of such, will be pleased to receive it.  Oh Journal, there is so much to say, yet I feel like I cannot say much at all, but I can not! all I can say is that when the time is right I will tell you.  It drives me crazy not to be able to, because I feel like I'm keeping this big secret from you, but this is one that I shall keep until it is the right time.


I went to my Abnormal Psychology class today, I am soooooo extremely excited about it! I get to do a case study and actually diagnose a make pretend patient.  OMG! how freaking exciting is that??? I sat right at the front of the room as I always do, not because I want to be the teachers pet, but because I get so excited to be in class learning and continuing on my journey to find out new and wonderful things, enrich my mind with new thoughts and ideas, it's so cool! 


I remember a few years ago when I would ride the trains and see people reading their text books, I would feel a sense of jealousy, I would be one of those people that would look over them and try to read what they were learning.  YES! I was one of those annoying individuals! but I would feel jealous, because for many years I wished so bad I could be them.  I often remember that and think to myself, wow,  now I am one of those people and it makes me feel happy.  Sometimes, I catch people looking at my book with curiosity and I often want to ask them if they know something the subject or if they would like to look on.  It makes me happy to share my little bit of knowledge of whatever the book may be.  One day I was actually just reading one of my regular books that I enjoy reading and I caught someone looking over my shoulder and I began telling the person, I am not sure if it was male or female, that they should totally purchase the book, they wrote the name down.  I shared information and felt happy.


Lately I am just really content with everything.  I wonder why? but I am and I often find myself smiling and feeling joy.  I am even paying more attention to my kids my work just everything in general.  


I also started my Greek Literature class yesterday, it was pretty cool, I have to read a book by the name of The Iliad of Homer, which to my surprise when my oldest son saw that I was reading it, he looked at the name and said, oh I already read that! WTF! How come I didn't know this??? he loves to read and this makes me very happy, he is like a walking history box, just knows all this stuff about history and is just fascinated by it.  I like that, why not? 


Ok, well I have to go to bed, I seriously don't have anything more to write, or actually I do but it's a secret!


Good night Journal.


Friday, January 27, 2012

Dear Journal - 1-27-12.. A MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE!

Dear Journal:


The other day I received in the mail a little white box, which contained a small bottle full of sand with a message in it.  In other words, I received a message in a bottle.  When I saw who it was from, I felt a sense of joy in my heart and it brought a great big smile to my face.

Along with the bottle full of sand and the message in it, came an invitation, the invitation is to my younger cousins wedding this summer! I cannot wait to attend this joyous event.

I never as a little girl thought of a wedding or how I would get married or any of that, until I fell madly and deeply in love with this man named Benjamin http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html.  I mean while I was married, I once did ask my husband to marry me by church, just because I felt like it was the right thing to do since we were already married by law, but that day he looked at me as if I was crazy and told me that getting married by church was serious, I take it he didn't feel our marriage was serious??? Anyway, after he disappointed me and I fell madly and deeply in love with Benjamin, Loving him the way I did, I would always imaging that he and I would get married by the beach with just my children and a few other people to witness it.  During my crazy stage of in love with him, I would sometimes send him txt messages and say things like....  MY LOVE! I cannot wait to marry you by the beach, I can almost smell the ocean! of course he would never respond because well, he didn't speak to me and still doesn't.  But I still would ever so often send him those messages, I felt like I could because that's what I sincerely felt, thought of and wanted.  



I absolutely love the beach! I am a beach bunny and hope to some day live somewhere, where I can sit by it and read my books.  I took the small bottle full of sand to work with me and placed it with my collection of little bottles full of sand, I love to collect them because well, I love the beach.  


Anyway journal, I did not mean to get sidetracked as I often do when I write my entries, I really wanted to write about my cousins wedding because I am extremely happy about it.  Also, I will probably never have that little wedding I imagined so many times in my mind that is filled with daydreams.  But this summer, I will have the fortunate opportunity, to witness my beautiful intelligent young cousin, live my dream.  I cannot think of anyone more wonderful to live it for me then her!  I cannot wait for those two awesome people, to share their vows and promise to love each other for the rest of their lives.

To my cousin and her wonderful fiancé, I wish them happiness and a lifetime full of love!






Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Dear Journal: 01-25-12 I saw the sign...

Dear Journal -


Today I had an extremely emotional day.  I hate those days, but I also think that as a woman, I have the right to and should have days when I am an emotional wreck! No today I wasn't a wreck thankfully, but I was extremely emotional.  Yes these emotions had to do with a situation that I encountered and no I am not going to share the details of such.  But I do feel like I need to put these thoughts on here because it was a very important day for me.


I was faced with a situation that I did not know how to handle.  I was confused, emotional about it but mostly I was scared.  Fear, is the biggest impediment to our happiness sometimes.  Due to it, we make all sorts or irrational decisions, we act out of character, we say things we don't mean, we act crazy.  Well, maybe not we, but most certainly me.  When I was faced with this sort of situation in the past, I immediately went into my shell and looked for my shelter.  


The only thing I can tell you about my shelter sweet journal is, that my shelter is a website that I frequented for many years, there, I found some sort of help or maybe just a way out of the situation or a shell that protected me from it all.  I would go there and cry and hope.  Today, as in the past, I did just that, I went to that website, I looked through it and I cried.  But today, something else happened, going on that site didn't feel as sheltering as before, it actually felt foreign, I felt that I did not belong on that site anymore, It did not protect me as it once did.  Journal, you know which website I am referring to, it's a blog.  Journal, I told you that I would not write about that blog again and I have kept my word, but tonight I have to mention it because it is relevant to todays events.  You are my journal and I need to tell you that today I went on that blog and I looked through it and it felt foreign.


Then, on my way home from work, I was reading my book on the train as I often do.  I was reading and all of a sudden, I saw the sign.  THE SIGN! the signs that are everywhere to help guide us through life but we so often pretend not to see.  Right there in black and white as I was reading, the situation I was facing was being explained and not only was the situation being explained, the answer was also there.  I will not say which book it was that I was reading, but I can tell you that the book is a psychological book and self help.  When I got to that part where it was talking about the same exact situation I am going through and additionally giving a solution for it, I could not believe my eyes, right there everything that I didn't know what to do about, was being told to me.  It was a beautiful sign that had I not been aware of, I would of probably missed.  All of a sudden, I understood what I needed to do.  It felt great, but I still felt the fear.  


I have decided that although I am afraid, I am also ready to take chances and although nothing is ever promised, the only thing that we can do as human beings, is to accept the fear, express it take a deep breath and proceed with caution.  Being afraid is ok, letting the fear continue to hold you back is not.  


I also while understanding what I was feeling and needed to do, thought about what my Philosophy teacher Mary, would always say.  She would always say, that we should just let things happen and handle them when they are right in front of us.  I understand now that what she means is that instead of going around and around in our heads trying to find the solution to certain situations, we should just let it be and handle it as it comes.  I thought about this situation all day long and what I should do and all along, I didn't need to do anything, because the answer just came to me when it was time.  The sign was there and by me identifying the sign, I was able to handle the situation the right way.


I am sure that I am not making much sense to you sweet journal, because I am in my emotional state right now and can't really get into to many details.  However, I must say that I sure do miss the School of Practical Philosophy, I will go back once I am done with college.  Attending those classes really opened my eyes to a whole new world that I choose to live in.  I feel good right now, because all of a sudden in this moment things are making sense to me.  I feel happy a bit scared but still happy.


Before I go, I want to share with you dear journal one of my favorite movie quotes....


"a woman's heart, is like a deep ocean of secrets" ~ Rose ~ TITANIC.....


Ace of Base....I saw the sign....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUZwzCxbDXA

Sunday, January 22, 2012

BENJAMIN.....And the "FRIENDS" that took advantage of me!

Last year, I think I learned the most valuable lessons that I should have known for many years already.  At 40, three children and 2 divorces, you would think that I would have it together as far as my life is concerned.

Last year at the beginning of the year I got my tax return and because my income from the year before was fairly low and I am a single mother of three, I got a decent amount of money in my return which helped me tremendously with paying back accumulated debt from the prior year.  Life is a constant struggle and when you have no choice but to live from check to check you often find yourself in really tough situations that require you use that credit card that you keep in case of emergency.  As I have gotten older I have most definitely become more aware of the way I spend every penny I get.  But it wasn't until this very intelligent ver financial savvy man who at one point I used to have secret conversations with,  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/secret-conversations.html made me come up with a budget, that I didn't realize how fucked up financial I really was.  When you put the numbers together and look at them, that is when you really want to cry because your life is a financial disaster or at least mine looks that way.

Regardless of that fact, I was able to put a few dollars away for a "rainy day".  One day, my good friend who I truly believed to be a friend, asked me to help him because he was in a really bad financial situation and so seeing that we were very close and I trusted and believed in him, I found it in my heart to lend him some of the money I had saved for a rainy day, with full faith that my friend would come as it is said in the street "through for me when I needed him as well" after lending him the money, another friend was in a tight situation and again I felt that I could not sleep knowing that I could help this friend in time of need and not do so.  I went to my bank again and with the love and kindness of my heart I took money out of it to give that person and lending hand.  Finally there was a third incident, where yet another person asked for my help and there Jazzy was.  Obviously, my bank balance was lower and lower, but I felt, that I had done a kind and loving act by helping these three "good friends".

The lesson -----

As time started passing I began to notice that these three individuals were not even acknowledging the fact that they owed me money.  My savings account for a "rainy day" was now down to zero, and I felt that these three individuals were having brighter days and so naturally they would give to me what was rightfully mine.  I'm sure by now you will have no doubt in your mind where this story is going and you are probably saying Jazz, everyone in this world with half a brain knows that you can't lend your money out.  



But here is the thing, I have a huge problem saying no, because I feel happy when I can help other people.  You might even say that I help others for my own selfish reasons, that of me becoming happy by helping others.  I will never go around telling anyone what I have done, meaning I won't tell anyone that I lent xyz money or helped xyz with this or that, but in my mind and in my heart, I am happy and proud of myself for having done so.  


So what's my lesson your wondering? Well, these so called friends became annoyed the minute I asked for my money back.  One of them even told me not to worry, he would give me back my money so I could go spend it with my little "boyfriends" I'm assuming he was pissed that I didn't want to spend my money on him instead? The other "friend" had the nerve to tell me after me asking for months and months, that he couldn't because he had bought concert tickets and didn't have it.

One day I sat on my bed and cried really hard, because I was desperately low on cash for my expenses that month and didn't know what to do.  I kept thinking of my "savings for a rainy day" and how due to my love for others, my kind heart and my selfish reasons, I no longer had it and really badly needed it.  One of the three friends completely stopped talking to me, because he was to much of a coward to face me like a man and accept that he didn't have intentions of paying me back and because he already knew that he had exhausted all of my friendship resources and I was no longer use to him.  



The other friend after numerous attempts, gave me some of it back and promised to finish paying, yet whenever I reached out to this person, I was almost afraid to ask for what's rightfully mine and also get ignored.  And my third friend, well, I guess maybe one day when he feels like it and has extra money after having fun with his friends he will decide that I deserve the money back because after all, it is mine.  But, who the he'll knows.

The point is, that while I was sitting on my bed crying about the fact that I had gotten suckered out of my little extra money that I had worked hard for, I had ended up being the bitch that won't stop asking me for her fucking money! "What she doesn't think I'm going to pay her back??? I'm sick of her shit!" 



That night, as I sat on my bed and cried about my situation, I realized one very important lesson which was this..... BENJAMIN FRANKLIN is my only true friend.  He was the only one that could get me out of my tight situation, he was the only one who at the end of the day "got me" got my back would "come through" for me.

I clearly lost three friendships due to my big mistake, and I learned the valuable lesson that is, when your friends are in trouble, maybe just being a good listener or emotionally supportive friend will probably be a better solution then going to the bank and handing them free money because they are not men enough to figure it out on their own.  Yes, I have lost three "friends" who at one point I was inseparable from, but the honest truth is, that with friends like them, who needs enemies! Benjamin Franklin at the end of the day, is my only "true" friend.



BTW, if you think that I was sleeping or dating any of these individuals, I WAS NOT! they were my platonic male friends who I trusted.  For a long time I cried about the fact that I missed them so much because I sincerely love them still, but I am happier without them in my life.


Be wise with your money, don't lend it out! I learned the hard way! TRUST ME!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

That BI$CH! She slept with MY MAN!

Below is a letter that I wrote to someone a few months back.  If you chose to read my blog today then first and foremost thank you! I hope that whatever you read on here helps you to better understand that we are all so alike it’s really scary at times.  Yes, Dr. John Gray says that men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, and I completely agree, especially after reading his books! (God I LOVE THAT MAN!) but in essence, we humans are all alike in that we all want the same fundamental things.   We all want to love and be loved and we all want to be happy.  
I am 40 years old and I have to admit that I wasn’t completely happy until about a year ago or so.  I began a few years ago to really get into Philosophy and Psychology in a way I had never truly done before.  I began to read and study different Philosophical theories to help me understand myself and others better.  I feel that I have been intuitive all of my life, but I was always afraid to explore my intuition and still sort of am.  The reason why I am afraid of it sometimes is because I become to aware, this is really difficult to explain.  But basically when I say too aware, I mean I see things clearly as they are and I can't make excuses or give myself reasons why I should stay in certain situations.  Basically, I just know what I have to do and sometimes we just want to be blind and pretend that we don't know.


We are all born with intuition, but some learn how to explore it better then others and some just ignore it because they are afraid to know the truth.  But deep down, we all know the truth.  What I mean by this is that we all know intuitively, if what we are doing is good, bad or evil.  We all know deep inside, who we love, want, need.  


My daughter is three years old and observing her who does not have any experience of the world, allows me to observe how our (basic self) which is a term that they used in my Philosophy class, they use this word to describe who we truly are in essence or to describe our soul.  We know when we do something that is not right or wrong.  We are not our minds or our bodies, there is something (basic) within us that knows all, that is our (basic self) our soul.


I don't need a bible or a religion to teach me how to be a good human being.  I can, we all can, be good human beings.  We choose religions or theories or philosophies, to help guide us in everyday struggles, but ultimately, we ourselves could deal with our struggles if we looked within ourselves to do so.  If we allowed our basic self to guide us to make the right choices.


I know we all have a basic self, because I can see it even in my daughter who is only three.   When my daughter does something wrong she gives me a look that let's me know that she is aware that what she did was wrong, I don't need to say a word.  Of course, that is when I have to discipline her so that she can learn that when she feels that intuition that she is doing something wrong, she needs to stop. 


I also observe in her other basic self behaviors.  I see when she experiences jealousy, anger, fear and love all of which I have not taught her.  I don't teach her to be jealous or get angry or sad or happy or to love me or her brothers and dad, that is all within her.  That is her basic self.


Ok, now back to what I was initially writing about.  I always seem to go on tangents when I try to write a short post, because my goal is to sort of let the reader understand what I'm trying to say.  Clearly I need to continue to practice my writing, which is why I have this blog and you as my guinea pig YAY! and thank you! You are probably so confused right now.  


I'm sorry, but in order to make sense of why I'm writing this post, I needed to sort of explain that my goal here is not to tell you some sob story, but to show how we are all so alike and how if you ever went through or know someone who went through any of the things I write, then maybe you will learn something or it may help you realize something or you may just come to the conclusion that you are crazy, but it's ok, because I am crazy too!


Happiness like all the other aforementioned feelings I described before going yet on another tangent, I have also observed in my daughter, happiness is within each and everyone of us as well.  As we get older, we start to accumulate all sorts of as my Philosophy teacher would say "dust" and we begin to sort of look for happiness outside of ourselves and as we get older and go through more painful experiences, we just keep accumulating more and more "dust".  Unfortunately for us however, happiness is not what someone can do for us, happiness is what we can do for ourselves.  At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own happiness.


I feel very happy.  No, I don’t mean that I go around with a huge smile always feeling completely happy every second of every day.  What I mean is that when I look at my life as a whole, I am content and feel happy.  I may not be happy about certain specific situations, and I might not be content with every single aspect of my current life, but in my heart, I feel happy.  All in all, I a am a pretty happy camper. 


With that said, 20 years ago when I was madly in love with my oldest son’s dad, I thought that without him I would die and never feel happy! I went as far as trying to trap him by having his child, which clearly didn’t help me in my “trapping” him scheme, because even after having his child, we still broke up.  And what do you know, I am alive and very well, thankfully.  


But I guess I learned as they say “the hard way” that being in love and in a relationship is not really what happiness is all about.  Yes, being in a loving rewarding relationship is important and we all deserve it.  And we all should definitely have that.  But, that is not everything in life.
One day, 20 years ago while in this crazy in love stage of my life, my ex and I broke up for a few months/weeks whatever it was that we would break up for, and during one of those break ups, I decided to go to his apartment and beg him to take me back because without him I would “die” and not be able to survive in this cruel world! Wow! writing that gives me chills! LOVE IS SO POWERFUL AT TIMES!


I get to his apartment and he isn’t there, but his friend is on the phone with him and I ask his friend to please give me the phone because I need to please talk to him.  His friend is hesitating to hand the phone to me, so I grab it off his friends hand and I say to my boyfriend who's on the other end of the line and is not really my boyfriend because we are broken up... where the fuck are you???


Obviously, he is like, why are you asking me where I am and what are you doing in my apartment? and as I am talking to him, I begin to notice in the background a woman's voice, so I ask, "who the fuck is that?" I remember it so well writing this entry, that when I heard a woman in the background, my heart dropped and I felt weak.  I felt a sense of fear and like I couldn't almost stand.  Then, I continued to notice how this woman is in the background laughing and carrying on and the next thing I hear, is a struggle and her getting on the phone and as she is laughing she says to me..."DON’T WORRY SWEETY! when I’m DONE with him I’ll send him back to you! 


Back then, I always thought I was this tough girl.  In my late teens and early 20's, I ran around NYC thinking I was a gangster who didn't fear a thing.  I would fight, I would hang out with all sorts of "tough people" I pretty much didn't give a shit, but in that moment I was this weak young woman in love and I remember being speechless.  I dropped the phone and just started crying until I could not cry anymore! It was horrible.  


That night I stayed in his apartment and cried myself to sleep.  I imagined all sorts of things this woman was doing with the man I loved, It was probably one of the most heartbreaking days of my young adult life.  Later, when my ex and I got back together and I forgave him because I "couldn't live without him" I found out that the woman was about 15 years older then he and I.  Finding that out made me feel even worse!  How could I begin to compete with an older women with sexual experience??? I had no clue! I was only 20.   I remember him telling me that yes he liked her very much, but it was just a sex thing and that I was the one he loved.  Yet years later after we broke up for good, I asked him about it and he told me that he would see her from time to time while we were still together.  How messed up is that?


Well, a few months ago, I became that older woman!  I played the role of the older woman who was in the mix of a love triangle. What I mean by this is, that a few months ago, I was seeing someone younger then I am and I think that I became this horrible older woman bitch to someone else.  The difference though between the older woman that dated my then boyfriend and I now, is that I was neither using anyone for sex and I was most definitely not mean to the young woman that was in love with the person I was seeing.  


I was seeing someone who told me he was single, we liked each other and found common grounds and we began to get to know each other in a way that made what we had really special.  Yet one day, I get a phone call from this young woman claiming that the man I was seeing was "her man" and how they loved each other and were so happy and how I needed to get lost.  When this young woman called me to inform me that I was with “her man” I felt really bad for her because I saw the younger me in her.  She all of a sudden brought me back to that horrible day in the living room of my ex boyfriends apartment where I was the young woman in love.  But unlike that woman who told me that she would send him back to me when she was "DONE" with him, I took a different approach to the situation.  I was neither rude to her or confrontational.  I actually told her that if what she was telling me was indeed true, then she needed to leave him alone, because he wasn't very honest.  


I also realized in that moment that maybe I too needed to leave him alone, because clearly there was something going on, if this young woman felt comfortable enough to call me and tell me that I was seeing "her man" then there was definitely something more then what he would later tell me.  I later learned that she was lying to me about their relationship.  Yet I still saw me or the younger version of Jazzy, in that young woman who had called me and told me lies to break me up with "her man" I couldn't help but feel bad about the whole situation and I became very uncomfortable. 


Part of me sometimes felt like calling her and telling her to leave "my man" alone, but I could not bring myself to say to her any sort of horrible thing to hurt her, even more so then what I imagined she was already hurting.  Still, the whole situation gave me a bad taste in my mouth and I decided to remove myself from it all together even though my feelings for this person had become strong and I saw potential in us.  


Regardless of it all, I am just too old for drama and seriously just don’t like it.  I have done all of that already, and I have learned, that if a man truly cares for you and wants you in his life, the first thing he does to make sure that he won't loose you, is clear all the baggage.  The same goes for a woman, if she truly wants a man in her life, she clears all her baggage to make sure that the man she is with knows that he is her one.  When a man loves a woman, he wants the whole world to know it and vice versa.  That is a fact!


One night I had a few drinks in me and I was really really close to calling her, but I decided to write her the letter below instead.  I never sent it to her because after I sobered up I felt that it wasn’t my place to save anyone from their heartache.  It wasn't my place to say anything at all.  She probably hated me.  But I saw my younger self in her so much, that I seriously felt really bad.  I further realized that she like I, needed these sorts of experiences in order to grow as a woman and individual.  


I just hope that she is the type of person to learn from her mistakes, because there are definitely some people that develop a vicious cycle.  I was one of those people, but slowly I am trying to get out of the terrible cycle which is thinking that it is ok to be cheated on or to be treated with anything less then respect by a man.  Or by a woman, because many men, allow women to step all over them as well and that is also completely unacceptable!


Everything I write on my journal is the truth to the best of my memory.  If she so happened to come across my journal and read this, I sincerely hope nothing but the best for her! I have a daughter and I would never want any man to treat her with anything less then respect.  I also have boys and I never want to see one of my boys being stepped all over by a women.  WE ALL DESERVE LOVE AND RESPECT!


*******************************************************
THIS IS THE LETTER I NEVER SENT HER...


Dear girl:

I'm not here to make your life impossibe.  I told him to be with you, because I can see how much you love him.  He always tells me that you are his friend and that he is not in love with you, he doesn't want to be with you that way.  Life is hard, but I will tell you this, it will get better I promise you that.  I'm sorry if I caused you heart ache and pain.  That was never my intention.  I don't know you, but your actions clearly show, that your love for him is so true, that I have to admire your heart.  I have been where you are.  



One day I know you will find someone who will love and appreciate you for who you are, someone that will be worthy of all that love you are dying to give.  Understand that he needs to live certain things in order for him to grow as a man, yet nothing anyone says or does, will help you with the hurt you feel inside.  Sometimes people know how much we love them and they take advantage of that love.  It isn't right and you are the only one who could identify it in your situation and change it and not allow it.  


There is something you need to do and that is to learn to accept yourself and love yourself more.  Yes, loving someone is the most rewarding thing in the world, but you should only give that love to someone that gives the same love back and shows you respect, because that is what you truly deserve.  


Ps. When I was your age, this woman my age, slept with my then boyfriend and then treated me like shit as if I was the problem in the situation.  The only problem I now clearly see, is that there is all this love that makes us do really crazy things... Love will have you acting out of character and you will loose yourself sometimes.  Keep your head up, I told him to be with you, even if that meant me loosing him.  I did so because I was aware that the love you have for him is way more then what little I can give him.  I can't fight battles that are clearly lost.  I only tell you these things because I lived through this before, seeing myself in this situation again, made me feel like I was having flashbacks at a moment in my life where I felt helpless and unhappy.  I know what you are going through and I can sympathize.  


Letting him go is not easy for me either, but I know what I deserve and need.  So I will wait patiently until the day that I find someone to love me the way that I deserve.  


Good luck young woman.


Sincerely, Jazzy.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Etta James - At Last - RIP

This song was introduced to me by someone who was very significant to me at one point in my life...


Thank you Etta James for sharing your beautiful music with us..... May your soul be in music heaven where you will sing for eternity! 



Etta James - At Last...

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Dear Journal: 01-12-12 - Learning Judaism

Dear Journal-


I wasn't going to write tonight but I got online and I felt I had to! so here I am.


I wish I could tell you the true events of my day but I am going to have to keep this day under wraps! I can only say that I had a very enjoyable evening with someone who is no one but is everything.  I know that, what I am writing really makes no sense, but this is after all my journal and one day when I go back to these pages and read this entry, I will remember exactly what I am talking about.  In order for me to know what I am talking about however, I will use the following key sentence, so when I read it, it will enable me to remember the events of this evening.  The sentence is as follows: Car parked under the Verazzano bridge, white tee learning about judaism.


Last night I wrote a very creative post that got lot's of views, so many in fact that I was really shocked.  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/01/dear-journal-1-11-12what-happens-in.html

 
I am not married or well I am technically married for what will be 11 years on January, 17... Oh wow, in five days is my 11 year wedding anniversary, yet I have not been with that man for four.  Actually, I just spoke to him on the phone a few minutes ago because I have to due to us having children together.  And boy is that just the hardest task of all.  I couldn't hold a conversation with him for more then two minutes because he irritates me so.  


When I think about how I felt on the day we got married 11 years ago, I cannot believe that we are those same two people.  I remember feeling so extremely happy that day, I wore this gold dress that had a sheer see through lace back and was really pretty.  My husband is 10 years younger then I am, but in our wedding pictures we looked ok, you couldn't really tell that I was older and our son wore a little suit that made him look extremely adorable, my son was one then.  We had a white cake and it was the cutest poor civil wedding ever.


One day years later I was talking to him and I said to him that one day I would love to have a real wedding, I wanted to marry him by church in front of God and he looked at me as if I was crazy and said..... Are you crazy! that's serious! I will never forget the heartbreak that I felt in that moment.  I often say that sometimes when I write, it allows me the opportunity to go back to painful times and re-live that moment cry about it and heal, well, writing what I just did brought tears to my eyes, I was his wife but he did not want to marry me.  


No journal I did not get married in Las Vegas, actually, I haven't been to Las Vegas in years and what happens in Vegas, really does stay in Vegas although I do have to say that when I was in Vegas I had an incident with the cops and my husband, that is all I'm going to say because that is a whole other blog post.  But no, there was no marriage I am still as single as they come and I am still loving it.  You see journal, I have come to terms with the way my life is going and I will say this once again, I feel completely happy! YES! I find happiness in my life with my children, I find happiness in my work life, I find happiness in my education and no this does not mean that I don't want to one day fall madly in love, I do and I will, but first I must be completely out of love, and no I am not still in love with my husband, I am still in love with him, the one I must no longer write about the one who I dedicated my blog to.  You can find out about him here...http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html 

 
The other night after I posted on FB that I had gotten married, that night I had this dream and he visited me in it and there in my dream, we shared our first kiss.  Sigmund Freud believed that our dreams are the thoughts of our subconscious mind, well, right before I went to bed that night I remember thinking that if there is anyone at all that I would like to have seen that FB entry, it would be him! no he is not my friend and he has a new girlfriend and he is happy and maybe in love, but I hope he sees it and when he does, it hurts him! I don't know if he saw it or if he will, nor did I put it up for that reason, actually, I put it up because my friend and I were joking telling each other how we are each marriage material, it all started as a joke.  


After I posted it not even thinking that so many people would believe it and congratulate me, I was able to email each of those lovely people to tell them it was a joke and out of that post I got to catch up with a whole bunch of good friends I never get to talk to.  So, no I am not married well technically I am.  But out of that facebook status, I got two things, I got to talk to many good friends that I had not in a while but best of all.......... I got to see him in my dreams and share with him our first kiss....


Good Night!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Dear Journal - 1-11-12..WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS!

Dear Journal -

You know how they say that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? Well, this piece of information is just too damn juicy to keep to myself! brace yourself journal! Do I have a story for you today!

It all started about 3 months ago on a dating website called Tagged.  I had joined that site a few years back when I was not only newly single but also new to the world of online dating, back then when I joined, I met some really great people, two of which are until this very day, my good guy friends.  One, I wrote about before http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/03/who-hell-is-adam.html


The other one, he and I are such good friends, that he once gave me something he wrote (he loves to write also) so that I could post on my blog  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/02/story-below-was-written-by-very-good.html%20.


Needless to say, although my experience then didn't lead me to finding love, I most certainly found sincere friendship.

This time around my experience has been totally different.  Not only do I see the online dating thing in a completely different way, I also don't take offense to peoples comments or take things personal when someone is not interested in me.  I don't have any sort of expectations when I meet someone or talk to them and I feel happy about having the opportunity to meet and talking to all sorts of interesting people.  Me being online is more of a way for me to interact with the opposite sex in a safe environment where I have some fun and interesting conversations when I have a few free minutes as my schedule is so hectic and busy.

One day, I get an email from this good looking guy and I respond as I often do when I can.  We start talking and the first thing I liked about him was that he was extremely respectful.  He never once made any sexual reference or tried to lead our conversation  in a way that would turn it into a conversation of a sexual nature, him and I just started talking about random things and had a great emailing experience.  I could tell he was intelligent, funny and honest and just being himself.  He wasn't pushy or trying too hard, he just simply took interest in talking to me and finding out without asking the usual questions, just who I was.

I have always had a yahoo account, but I never chat, I just don't! I don't have time to sit around and do so, but that evening I had some free time and when he asked me if I had a yahoo account I told him I didn't chat, but I would make the exception, that night I used my yahoo account for like the second time ever, I think I had used it once to talk to a real friend, one I know in person.  I didn't even know how to add people to the account, he had to do it and then I accepted and  we chatted for what felt like minutes, yet it was probably more like hours.  I felt like I knew him for a really long time.

We continued to stay in touch off and on, I began to tell him about my intimate life and he began to tell me his, we became great friends.  One day, after having video chatted with someone else via Facebook video chat (that was the first time I had done that also) I asked him if he would like to video chat with me.  The whole time I had been talking to him, I never really thought of him in a romantic way, I really just saw him as a friend.  The honest truth is that although I did find him attractive, I just didn't feel sexual chemistry when we spoke. Im VERY shallow! I have said this before, I find so many men attractive, but that doesn't mean I find them sexually attractive, I consider myself to be picky in the most annoying way! sometimes I think a guy is a total hottie yet I just won't feel it.  Sometimes it is really frustrating.  



He agreed to video chat and we set a date, I was really excited and had no expectations, at this point I saw him only as a platonic friend that I knew and was really looking forward to talking to him and being able to share with each other all about our new romantic interests and developments.  We got on camera and it felt so weird, I felt like I had seen him before, like we were cool friends forever.  And then I kept looking at him and thinking to myself, damn! he's sooooo cute! all of a sudden, the platonic feeling turned into sexual feeling, I began to see him in a sexually attractive way, I wanted to be able to kiss him.

After that day, he sent me a message and told me that he was going to Vegas and that he would love for me to accompany him, at first I thought he was full of it, it's my experience lately that men LOVE to talk! And to me, actions just speak louder then words.  I told him that I could not because I could not afford it, he told me I didn't have to worry about a thing!

My first thought was wtf! no one ever gives me anything! I've known him for a few months now and I feel that I can trust him, maybe he isn't bullshitting.  He is in the US Navy, he is living abroad and this is my chance to finally meet my wonderful new friend, so I agreed to meet him in Vegas.  



I don't think I need to go into details about our passionate love making and how he made me feel! After all, it had been nearly 5 months since I had been with a man in an intimate situation.  I loved the way he treated me like a lady, how he treated me with respect and when I walked into a room full of people everyone noticed.  He is tall and built, has beautiful full lips and big colored eyes.  He is funny and charming and polite and talks to strangers in a caring way, he has all sorts of stories and is fun to be around.  


The next few hours were a big blur, we were in one of the casinos and I only remember us drinking beer and drinking and drinking and next thing I knew, I was in this little chapel saying I do with Elvis as my witness, when the man asked me if I took this man to be my husband! right there in the little chapel with Elvis Presley looking on, I took the sexy sailor as my lawful wedded husband! I was sooo proud to become a military wife! I am so proud of my sailor for defending our country, for standing up for the rest of us against the enemies, for putting his life on the line so that we can live freely. How could I not be trilled to finally have found a real man that isn't afraid to take care of me the way a woman deserves to be taken care of?  


The next day I woke up and I couldn't believe what had happened.  I had one of those little plastic rings that you get for two quarters in the vending machines, and a splitting headache, next to me sleeping like a king, was my sailor.  I was lucky to have my phone still and to be able to post my new status on Facebook! I had become a military wife the night before and I wanted the whole world to know about it!


Journal, to end this entry I have a confession to make.  I have been feeling a bit creative lately and felt that I needed to write something different, please note that some or all parts of this journal entry may be completely fabricated and only a figment of my active imagination. 


Good Night!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

John Waite - Missing You


I'm not really missing anyone the way this song describes, but this is one of my all time favorite songs...

I was just talking to someone that lives far from NY and talking to him made me think of this song... Yes, I hate the feeling of miss!

John Waite - Missing you

Friday, January 6, 2012

Chris Brown featuring Benny Benassi - Beautiful People

Dear Journal 1-6-12 - KEEP IT MOVING!

DAMMIT JOURNAL!!!! -


I wish sometimes you weren't PG 13, because if you were not, I could tell you so many many more things! but, I must not, because Jazzy can't very well tell you all of her secrets now can she?


I can only say this...... Before Christmas I was talking to someone who I really liked, I had met him online and he lived pretty far, but we hit it off and we would talk like everyday almost, don't really want to get into to many details but while I was talking to him I always kept thinking of someone else that I would of liked to have had something a bit more meaningful with, yet I wanted to stay true to myself and my feelings and didn't want to say things to two different people at the same time, so while I was talking to the one that I had never met in person, I sort of stopped talking to the other.  


Please pay attention because this is tricky.  The main thing to focus on here is that this is all TALK! I'm not seeing these two individuals I'm not doing anything but talking, still, you begin to develop some sort of attachment to I guess your phone? because they sort of become that, they are not a person that you are looking into their eyes or spending time with, but rather they are an individual that you develop an emotional attachment to because you tell each other stuff.


Both these individuals lived in different states, one I had already met in person like I mentioned already and the other I only talked to online.  The one I met in person I already had some sort of history with so with him it was way more emotional, yet the new person that I was starting to get to know, began to sort of over shadow the one I met in person.  There were a few reasons why, but mainly it was that the one I had already seen and spent time with, he and I had a hot cold sort of thing and he wasn't really sure what he wanted.  


Anyway, after the new person and I had been talking for a bit over a month, he started to show signs that I wasn't very happy about, meaning that he and I had quite a bit of amount of communication during the first month, but slowly things began to sort of fade, I began to see patterns which led me to believe that since he didn't even live in the same state, it was very possible that he might have a significant other in his.  I never told him this but I always say actions speak louder then words so although his words said many many things, his actions did not support those words.  


I finally had enough and we had it out and that was the last I heard from him, which led me to the conclusion that maybe I was right and he did in fact have one.  I felt/feel sad, because I had become very close to this person in an emotional way.  With him I was trying really hard to develop my ability to trust again and he kept telling me that I needed to, yet his actions made me feel that I couldn't.  At first, we talked everyday, and as time passed instead of things developing more, it felt as though he wanted to talk to me only when it felt convenient to him, like if it was when he could and had time, my feelings on the matter pretty much didn't count.  I had a horrible experience in the past that has thought me so much that although I still wish I knew how he is doing, I just wrote it off and decided to let that be.


After he and I stopped talking completely, I continued to talk to the one that I had already seen and spent time with.  I was ready to sort of try something more meaningful with this person, so for the third time I made him an offer and asked him to think about it and let me know.  His actions sort of changed and he started to show me that he wanted to try, yet I felt by then that it wasn't the same anymore, because I had had the opportunity to meet someone new who for almost 2 months had sort of reminded me that it could and should be different.  


Then, on New Year's eve, I kissed someone at times square 
http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/01/dear-journal-1-2-12-new-years-kiss.html and having done so sort of woke me up to the reality and that reality was this.


I realized how much I missed kissing and how fun it was.  I had not kissed a man in over 4 months and I was sort of focused on these two individuals who in reality, I could not have anything with but a friendship.  I had sworn years ago that I would never have a long distance relationship again, those are really hard.  Yet because of my crazy schedule, I kept thinking that maybe it could happen, after all when will I see this person if he's in NY anyway? I don't have time.  


On the day after New Year's day, I sent the one that I had made the proposition to and seen already a message, he decided that on that day he wasn't in the mood for me and never responded.  That was not the first time this person had treated me this way, yet I sort of allowed it to go on for so long I think I gave the impression to him that I was ok with that and that I would always be here for him when he felt like answering.  On the next day after not hearing from him, I made the decision that since he didn't feel like talking to me, I didn't feel like talking to him anymore either and that's when it happened.  


I was so pissed at myself for not loving myself enough, that I went onto the new dating site I had joined a few weeks earlier and started going down the list of men that were just dying to talk to me, and what do you know, some lived in NY right here in Brooklyn! so I started talking to one who said he would love to meet me and what did Jazzy do? I said OK! and we met.  The rest is pretty much history.


All I can say is that I am pretty happy with my choice! not only is he in Brooklyn, but he makes sure to say Good Morning, Good Night, how is it going and oh yeah..... I GET TO SEE HIM! it's totally awesome! Does this mean I will fall madly in love with him and be with him forever? probably not although one never knows.  But what it does mean is that in life, if we give ourselves and others a chance, there is no telling what you may find.  For so long I was stuck on trying to get from individuals what they didn't want to give me, I was upset and annoyed at the fact that certain people think that they can come and go from you as they please.  The whole time, there was a list of other names just waiting to talk to Jazzy! i'm not being conceded or saying that I can get whomever I want or that I have a line of people dying to date me, what I'm saying is that most of the time I don't even give other people a chance to get to even talk to me because I'm to busy trying to get attention from the one that could care less.  I know you are probably thinking duh! but the reality is that I am very loyal to my feelings and I try to be real with people and I don't like to play with people's feeling because I try not to do to others, what I do not want to be done to me. 


But, I also have to realize that in order for things in life to happen all you have to do is constantly give new people a chance if that's what you have to do.  YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT MOVING! that is one thing one of my guy friends told me long ago and I didn't want to listen.  He always said, Jazz, keep it moving.  Well, I am doing just that! I am having a great time with someone new who is showing me so much attention I don't even know what to do with it! it's awesome! oh, did I mention I saw him yesterday and he showered me with kisses??? KISSES! LOTS OF THEM! And tomorrow, I will get some more kisses! so, yes ladies, where one wants to play games another is just dying to give you his undivided attention and many many kisses.  Oh did I say ladies? guys too! while there is this girl that you can't let go, I bet there is 3 who would love to have the chance to hang out and get to know you! after all, there are way more women then men, so men have it even better.  So, I guess the secret to letting go is to.... KEEP IT MOVING!


Ok, gotta go, he's sending me a message.....


Night Journal!


There are soooo many! beautiful people! enjoy my link.. DANCE!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2oRqyn7ToQ&ob=av2e

Monday, January 2, 2012

Dear Journal 1-2-12 New Year's Kiss......

Dear Journal....


As I was typing in the date I couldn't help but to notice the numbers 1-2-12 very nice numbers indeed.  God I have so much and nothing to tell you, that is just weird! because all day I kept thinking about you and what my first post of 2012 would be like and now that I'm sitting on my dinning table I'm sort of stuck.  At least I'm not sitting on my bed, could this be the new way of me writing? I'm moving to the table?


I guess I can sort of try to remember what I was thinking to write about on my way home from the movie theatre tonight.  I went to watch the movie New Year's Eve, which I have to say wasn't the best movie in the world but it made me think of different things that often go on in one's life.  There were many small plot's going on, and I can honestly say that I could relate to many of them.  It was an ok movie and the message of the movie was very simple, the message was LOVE! How all we need is LOVE! the thing is that on my way to the movie theatre I kept telling my 12 year old son that as long as we love others, wether it be as in a romantic relationship or just friends and family love, but as long as we love others it's easy to know when we are doing something wrong.  So I'm telling him all of this and he is obviously not paying attention and probably just vaguely paying attention to what I'm saying, but I'm thinking to myself as I'm talking to him, that I hope that if he gets one thing out of my rambling that the thing he gets is that if we love others, we will always know how to live a decent life.  I always say that, love thy neighbor! I didn't even know what the plot of the movie was, I just wanted to see it because so many of my favorite characters were in it.  


The movie ended and on my way home I was thinking about my New Year's Eve kiss in 1992 I think it was, that was a crazy year! I was madly and deeply in love with my oldest sons dad and I didn't have my oldest son yet, so his dad and I and all of our friends went to see the ball drop in Times Square.  I remember that it was about ten of us.  Just a bunch of young New York city kids with no life no direction, no anything.  


I hung out with a bunch of thieves, that were all graffiti artist so they all had spray paint in their back packs and lot's of cisco! typing that word made me want to throw up! GROSS! we used to drink cisco, because it is probably the cheapest wine in the market and one that got you really grossly drunk! I don't even know if they still make it.  Anyway, I was with my man and we were all drunk and him and I got into a huge fight and he was so violent when he would drink,  I don't remember why we were having this huge fight but I do remember, us both being really drunk and his friend having to grab me and take me away from him so he wouldn't hit me and then us separating from each other in the midst of all the madness on 42nd. street and me just staying with (Busta) his friend who would always take care of me, he was this really tall black guy who I wish I would one day bump into, (Busta) that was his name! and Busta grabbed me and I was hugging him crying on his chest telling him how much I loved Dev and look how he treats me and the ball started coming down and as I was crying really hard and then all I remember was Dev grabbing me from behind and taking me and hugging me and kissing me and telling me Happy New Year baby I'm sooo sorry baby I love you so much! and that was that.... I always remember that! always remember that new year's kiss! we made up right at midnight, I have absolutely no idea where that man came out of, but he found me in that crowd and hugged and kissed me and said he was sorry right at midnight! 


This year, I went with my two friends who are visiting from the Netherlands to Times Square to watch the ball drop.  I stood in a pen I guess that's what it's called from 4pm until about 9 and then my bladder started to get the best of me.  If you are lucky enough to get into one of these pens, you can't leave there because if you come out, the NYC cops won't let you back in.  Now I was at the pen that was on 48th street which pretty much took up the whole block and I was ok with standing there doing nothing for all of those hours for a few reasons.  One, I was with my friends and they were happy to be there, two, I got to meet a whole bunch of nice people that were from all over the country and world, I have to honestly say that I swear I felt like the only New Yorker in there which is pretty crazy.  


As I stood there discussing with strangers from all over the country, how messed up the cops were for not letting us out of these stupid pens, I kept making the people I had just met laugh, by telling them that I was going to write my mayor a long letter about how wrong it was to hold people in pens without letting them pee! we kept laughing about it and then at 9pm Jazzy could not take it anymore and I told everyone I was leaving.  They couldn't believe me, they kept saying that I had made it that long why not a few more hours, but all I could think of was my beer in the fridge and how I could go home and just get drunk by myself even, and just watch the ball drop and go to bed.  


I said good bye to my new friends and left with plans on going home, so I go into the Sbarro's pizza to use the ladies room and the line is so long that I'm like great! I'll probably pee my pants on this line, but then it occurred to me that in my bag was a bottle of coke, that we had smuggled into the pens, with Vodka! but we had not drank it because well.... We would need to pee if we would of! so I take it out and as I'm standing on line I'm drinking the liquor and that's when my night became a BLAST!!!! 


I started talking to all these pretty girls from North Carolina that were all dressed up, drunk and pissed, because they had VIP tickets to watch the ball drop from close up and the NYPD would not let them through.  After I made it to the bathroom, they wanted me to leave with them but I just kept thinking that if I hung around the restaurant and killed some time I could still see the damn ball dropping, so I went and got some wine! CHEAP WINE! and now I'm drinking and talking to everyone and everyone is so happy and getting drunk as well, pretty much trying to do the same thing I'm doing and now I'm thinking! HA! NOW I KNOW THE TRICK ON HOW TO GET TO SEE THE BALL AND STILL GET WASTED WOOOO HOOOO!! so now I'm looking outside telling all the guys behind the counter to wave at my friends which are literally in the pen right outside the restaurant and I'm making signs to people standing next to them telling them to tap on their shoulders so that they can see me and the restaurant employees are also trying to get their attention and they finally look and I'm waving at them with a little bottle of cheap wine on my hand going come out of their and come in here all with hand and facial gestures.  And they are standing there looking at me and laughing making gestures of "you're crazy Jazz!" It was hilarious! and now I'm flirting with the cooks and the guys that clean and I'm chatting it up with the girls at the counter and next thing I know, my two friends walk into the restaurant and now I'm really happy and we are now all drinking beer and it's already like 11:30pm and the restaurant employees start telling everyone that the restaurant is so we have to leave! but I'm still right there on Times Square woooo hooooo!!!! So we go outside and start walking just a few blocks more and we find a spot where we can see the ball and next thing I know I'm flirting with some cop telling him how he is NY's finest and he's laughing and he let's us back into one of the pens and the next thing I know, we are counting down to midnight!!! IT WAS SOOOO FREAKING AWESOME!!! I GOT TO SEE THE BALL DROP DRUNK!!!! damn that was fun! 


Now everyone is hugging and wishing each other a Happy New Year and there are some guys standing next to me and they are all hugging me saying happy New Year's and that is when it happened! MY NEW YEAR'S EVE KISS! I turned to one of them we sort of said some words and next thing I knew I was locked in a kiss with him.. HIM Who???? I HAVE NO IDEA! All I know is that he was HOT and he reminded me of one of the guys from the Jersey Shore! and then my friends started walking away from me and I started running away from the Jersey Shore guy and his friends and he's walking after me like "but where are you going" and I just kept on walking almost running away because my guy friends are leaving me..... It was CRAZY!!! 


I kissed a stranger on New Year's Eve.  What he didn't know, was that the woman that he kissed had not kissed a man in over 4 months, he didn't know that for many months I have been doubting if I could even kiss again or how the thought of kissing sometimes made me feel nervous.  He didn't know that I have pretty much given up on love and he didn't know that kissing him reminded me how much I love kissing and how badly I want to kiss again.  So, my New Years started with a strangers kiss! but that stranger reminded me of what I have been missing! I hope someday he comes across my blog and is like "HOLLY SHIT! THIS IS THE STRANGE GIRL THAT I KISSED ON NEW YEAR'S EVE WHO RAN AWAY FROM ME!"


IT WAS A GREAT NEW START TO WHAT WILL DEFINITELY BE A GREAT NEW YEAR!


I wish you much LOVE!


Please enjoy this lovely song from Bon Jovi featured in the movie New Year's Eve......


Bon Jovi - Have a little faith in me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siaq1ar7E0s

What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...