Saturday, March 31, 2012

WHY COULDN'T IT BE HIM!

I was going to write about something totally random today, because I felt like it, but then I went on my Facebook page to put up a status wishing my beautiful niece and baby girl a happy birthday and when I did so, I remembered clearly those two very meaningful days.


The day my niece was born, I was hanging out with my sister and I was drinking, when she started her labor, her boyfriend and I took her to the hospital and the whole time, he and I kept laughing because my sister was acting so crazy! I was laughing because I was just drunk and stupid, he was laughing because he was so nervous.  I wasn't allowed to go into the delivery room with her because well one, I was drunk and two I wasn't the father, so I think I got picked up and taken home and woke up a few hours later probably hung over and was told I had a new niece.  My life changed, I have loved that little girl since I first held her in my arms almost as if she is my own, sometimes now when she does things that I am not happy about, they affect me deeply and I feel helpless because I don't know what to do to make it better for her or to make her life perfect so that she never has to endure the things that I went through in my life.  It is difficult because with our children, we want them to be better then we are, we want them to make the least mistakes as possible, yet all we can really do is try to guide them in the right direction.  She is incredibly intelligent and I know that she can go really far in life if she applies herself.  I think of her as my own daughter, I would give anything so that she never had to have heart break or pain yet I know that these are the things that make us learn and grow.  My beautiful niece!


Four years ago today at 6:30 a.m. I gave birth to my own little girl, I went to the hospital at about 12:30am with my husband who I was broken up with, we had been sleeping in separate beds for a few months already and the only reason why he was still living in the same apartment with me, was because I was pregnant and he wanted to make sure I wasn't alone.  He is not a bad man, but he was just not the man for me.  Before I went to bed that evening, I sent my friend Benjamin Nunez (remember him? he's the person I'm in love with for years) http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html anyway, I sent him a txt message that evening and told him that it didn't seem like I would be having the baby anytime soon.  He told me to let him know as soon as I did and he was so excited for me.


When I got to the hospital with severe labor pains I kept thinking to myself, as I would look at my then husband, GOD! WHY COULDN'T YOU BE HIM! and while my ex husband would try to comfort me the only real comfort I had in my thoughts, was him, I kept thinking that although this man who's child I was about to have was in the room with me trying to coach me through my labor pains, one day I would be with Benjamin and if I could, I would have his 100 babies! and the harder the pains got the more I thought of him and the more I wished my ex was him, it was so crazy! here I was in a hospital room about to give birth to a child in severe labor and all I could think about was that man! IF THAT ISN'T TRUE LOVE, THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS! 


I can't even say that all my thoughts were due to medication because I didn't get anything.  Well I did get this thing that they give you to get you ready for an epidural which basically just made me groggy, but by the time I was going to get the actual epidural it was too late because my daughter was about to come out.  It was so bad that I told the doctors that they have better get me ready because my baby was coming and they all ran around to do so because I was not playing, that baby was coming! It was a severely painful labor as most labors are, but when I had her and looked at her, it was all worth it! and then I thought of him and kept thinking, God I wish it could be with you! and once they took my baby girl away and my ex left the room with her and I was all alone, I grabbed my phone and sent him a message to tell him I had just had my baby girl, he was the first person I informed.  Well, 4 years later and he no longer talks to me, he never even met my princess.  Funny, how life goes............


This morning I woke up and thought of him.  I wonder how he is doing? God I miss my friend! now I'm crying.............


Sarah McLaughlin - Possession - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucdnm8iU-5c&ob=av2e

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Dear Journal: 3-27-12

Dear Journal:


So much to tell so little time! I am extremely busy with all the school work on my plate, so much so, that I am seriously getting nervous because I feel like I'm starting to fall behind.  I had promised myself that this semester I would manage my time more effectively and I have been trying to, but I get distracted often with really insignificant things.  I often check my self and my behavior to ensure that I stay on point with my school work, but sometimes, especially when my little girl or one of my kids scream for attention I feel really bad and don't know which way to go.  It gets harder everyday, but it also feels rewarding when I complete a task and see a grade that I am happy with.  So far this semester I have seen only one grade that warranted some serious reaction and considerable concern, so I have been trying to eliminate distractions that are un necessary in order to place more energy and time in the things that really matter.


Love, what can I tell you about that topic other than I have been having serious thoughts on this subject that I seriously want to write about but have no time to.  What I do is, when the idea pops up in my mind I automatically write it down so that I can go back to at some point and write it.  Goodness gracious how will I ever in the world have time for it, when I can barely make time for myself to get my nails done! needless to say, my love life looks like a revolving door of people that come and go.  I like someone for a total of like 3 days and after that, they say/do something that I might not like and they are pretty much history.  Lord have mercy! I have become one of those women! you know which women I'm referring to right? YES! one of those! CRAZY!


I really wanted to write about this one specific scenario that happened to me this past week, but I am really tired and don't have the time to and thinking about it is just almost ridiculous, however, I will write about it sometime soon because I just feel like it's something I want to share with you my lovely journal. It has to do with people and their arrogance and how ridiculous and useless it is and how it can change a great concept of a person into a horrible one, but, like I said, I can't get into it now.... (insert sad face here)


On other Jazzy news, I feel like I almost have to write the following in some sort of code in hopes that if the person I am writing about ever should happen to come across this page, they can know that I am writing about them, but others can't recognize it, so I will make it as interesting as possible to he or she who's eyes may set upon this entry and make it almost mushy to the person I am referring to.


This week I sat with him for a few minutes and in those few minutes I quickly briefed him on what seemed the last year of my life.  In those few minutes, I felt safe and happy and cared about.  I knew that the person sitting in front of me genuinely believed in me and trusted and cared about me in a very special way.  When I left his side I jumped for joy because I asked him if he was upset with me and his answer was "no! not at all, why would I be? I was actually very impressed" when he said he was impressed with what I was telling him, I was overwhelmed with joy.  Him, this man that had played a significant role in my life, this man who I had made a web page for when it was his bday with the code I had learned in my class and was extremely happy and grateful for it, him the one that I had to force myself to not think about because it was wrong.  He sat there and told me that he was impressed and coming from an intelligent great man, it meant a whole lot to me.  I walked away and when he was no longer in sight and I was all alone, I let out a little HS screech and said YES! he was impressed OMG!!! and did a little hop dance thingy and smiled as I walked to my destination.  Additionally, I was happy because after telling him my plans, he agreed with me and said he knew it would happen, in other words, he believed in me! HOW AWESOME IS HE?  


Good night journal! 


For some reason, this song came to my mind just now, so, I have to put in on my blog :) - I don't even know the lyrics so I will read them now....


Believe it or not - Joey Scarbury


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pN12LLe6I4&feature=related

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Dear Journal: Sexual Therapy.....

Dear Journal:


What a lovely day it has been for me today.  I woke up a bit early and started my day with a text message that I sent to someone who I really like.  Yes, there is a new man invading my thoughts! the other day, I was telling one of my class mates about this guy that I sometimes txt with and telling him all these funny things that have been happening to me and both of us started laughing hysterically in my car, because what would appear to be my love life, is like a series of stories that in my mind involve crazy men and their antics and me in the middle of it all.  Additionally, the truth is that I don't have a "real" love life, my whole social life it seems is one big virtual world that I must simply write to you about!


No no no journal, don't think I don't go out and actually meet anyone, I have met many many nice people in person that I initially met online, but for the most part, most of my conversations and socializing is done through the internet and so it is hard for me not to go back in time and in my thoughts and compare myself to him, the one that got away, MY LOVE! yes I know I said I wasn't going to write about him ever again on my journal, but I can because I am not so sensitive about him as I once was, although I did cry all the way to work the other morning thinking of him and wondering why it is that he doesn't speak to me still.  Someday I have this feeling deep in my soul, that we will be friends again, but until that day comes, I shall continue to understand all that is around me and further investigate my thoughts and feelings and share them with the world through you, my little journal vehicle to the world wide web.  


So yes dear journal, the other day my class mate and I laughed really hard and he called me a player and I answered, yes I am! to my defense, in my mind a player is just simply someone who talks to a lot of people of the opposite sex and I believe they do so, because they are trying to find that which they had and lost and cannot find in any one else, or maybe let me rephrase that, I am a player according to "society" because I talk to a lot of men.  The key word in the last sentence is talk.  I talk and that is what I do.  I don't have two relationships at the same time, I don't lie to anyone, I don't run around with married men or men in relationships I don't sleep with everyone that I come across and I most certainly am not cheating on anyone, so, I guess the fact that I talk to a bunch of people that happen to be men, makes me a player, oh well.  


I have however, been thinking about this one guy a bit more then average lately, he continues to pick my interest and that happens to me, but not long enough or often either.  This one I like, he's cool I guess but the sad thing about it is, NO ONE gets me excited so I just sort of go with the flow about things.  So I woke up this morning and did something I never do, I sent him a good morning message because I wanted him to know that I was thinking of him.  I have never seen him yet and he lives literally, 10 minutes away from me.  Will I ever see him? yeah I guess at some point, but there is no rush in my life, I am seriously learning to live in the moment.  HARD AS IT IS!


Lately I have been thinking very much about what I want to get my Masters degree in or actually not what I want to get my degree in because I know I'm getting it in Psychology, but I am not sure what sort of Psychology I want to specialize in.  I have been seriously considering Sex Therapy and the reason for that is that I feel very comfortable talking about sex and really really want to learn about it and be able to help couples and victims of sex crimes to deal with their problems.  The other thing I really like is relationships and helping others cope with different aspects of it.  Imagine me being a counselor to couples, yet I don't even have a man WTF! God I love this stuff! it's so amazing!


Everyday I am so happy that I went back to school to do what I initially set out to do 18 years ago when I walked off the line at John Jay College for Criminal Justice where I was going to study Forensic Psychology, which by the way no longer interest me.  


I don't know but I feel like there was a journey I had to finish first before I could embark on this new one, this new one being my academic career maybe I had to live and learn so that I could maybe understand better and one day help people not only because I understand their thoughts from what I am learning academically, but I could also say things like, I understand because I have been there too! there is something about being able to relate to another person that is really comforting and makes you, no not you reading this silly! I meant people, feel better about what they may be experiencing.  I can go on and on about that, because that is related to Social Psychology which I am currently learning and it is amazing!


There was one interesting thing my friend did say that made me think like hmmm! he said to me, Jazz, you should write about your escapades! but I thought to myself, don't escapades require some sex stories??? well, those sorts of stories I cannot put on a blog like this, my blog is PG13 and those I will keep for my book someday.  Boy do I have some interesting things to tell!


Ok, gotta start reading for my class tomorrow.  Good night journal!


I leave you with the song I cried to on the train this week... It's in Spanish... I hope you will enjoy it if you listen to it or at the very least enjoy the music if you don't understand the lyrics...




Tu - Shakira


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Yu5qeVEKFo&feature=related

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

CRAZY SON OF A B$%CH!

That frog is so crazy! omg what was he thinking seriously? dammit I lost my concentration!!!!! crazy shit just happens left and right what the fuck!!!! those beautiful blue shoes sure do real nice with that green dress.  Wow it must be great to have a good day and be able to eat does tacos that have the nachos on them, you know what I mean right??? yes, that boy is always talking about women behind their back what's his deal anyway? she is beautiful don't you think? I really like the way she wears the pink hat with the ears you know the one's with the feathers and the teeth on the cows? yes! I LOVE CAKE TOO! it's the best tasting thing with soup and peas! golly crazy son of a bitch! did you see that? crazy mother fucker! I love the way he would kiss me softly and touch my body all the time, it felt real nice and we would always talk about sex hehehe... but my cousin would watch us and we could never get to do it damn asshole! OH YES! I just truly like the blue stallion did you see how he swam in the pond? they are awesome with the beautiful blue feet.  


Good evening -


It is March 15, 2012 I am feeling really really really sad today, i'm so sad that I could not get out of bed.  I don't even understand what's wrong with me.  My body really aches and I can't stop crying.  Shower? what shower? I don't want to bathe it hurts just to walk to the bathroom to take my cloths off the mere thought is just disturbing.  I want to just go somewhere and sleep and never wake up again.  I can't go to work anymore, it's to hard.  Please! leave my side I don't want you near me.  Just leave me alone!


March 20, 201


OMG! today is one of the best days EVA! I am going to buy myself a dress because I have to celebrate the first day of Spring wooooo hoooooo!!!! NOTHING BETTER THAN Spring! It's amazing and I am about to get money and all will be great! God life is just PERFECT!!! WOOOO HOOOO!!!!


_______________________________________________________


Dear Reader:


Above is the mind of a person suffering with Bipolar Disorder in the span of a few days/weeks.  That is not even half of what their life remotely looks like, but it is a very serious and very sad disorder to say the least.  Last night I had the opportunity to learn the very basic stuff of what the disorder looks like and I have to say that I was deeply touched by it and felt so extremely overwhelmed because with all that I want, I know now that there is nothing more that I would love to do than to help someone and make their mind well.  


I remember when I was experiencing a lot of depressed feelings and one of my friends used to tell me she thought I was Bipolar, I think that we all use that term to describe friends of ours who act different ways from day to day, but the reality is that to really be diagnosed with the disorder, takes a lot more then just feeling differently everyday.  Actually, it's quite normal that each day we feel different.  


Anyway, I don't have much more to say about the subject because if I start writing anything more, I will be here all night long.  I am tired and don't have anymore time but needed to put this on my journal really soon, because I have been neglecting my journal due to my busy schedule.  So for now I just want to say this.  If you ever notice a friend or a loved one experiencing things that seem like it is more than they can handle, please I beg you, please tell them to seek help.  Psychology is an amazing field with an amazing group of human beings that care so much about humanity.  Amazing individuals trying to make this world a better place by assisting others in dealing with everyday thoughts and feelings.  Don't ever be ashamed to go to someone to help you feel better mentally, it is important that we take care of our minds the same way we take care of our bodies our souls.


Stay well friend and thank you for reading!


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

THE ONE I LOVE!

I felt I needed to clarify something not only to myself, but to whomever reads my blogs and may sometimes feel confused about all the different men that I talk about or mention or tell a story of.  Many people play many roles in our lives, some touch us deeper then others obviously.  Day after day I live my life as best as I can, and like never before for the very first time, I try not to dwell on the past and or predict the future.  It is called trying to live in the moment a very difficult discipline that I may never fully understand or be able to apply to myself.  


However, as hard as it may be it isn't harder than not doing anything at all to try to move on from people who hurt me or were confused about me or were just not compatible or the circumstances didn't allow us to develop anything concrete or serious or special or whatever.


I know exactly who I LOVE though.  I know who I like, who I lust for, who I would run to, who makes me crazy or sad and so forth.  The other day I read an article on Psychology today, that spoke about the fact that it is completely normal to love two people at the same time.  I can honestly say, that now I feel better about the fact that about three years ago I was torn between two loves and I fought myself each day because I couldn't understand how I could feel these strong feelings for these two individuals.  The only thing was, that with one I was having some sort of a physical relationship with but with the other he was only well, my friend.  Three years have passed and I still love one very much as he is my best friend, but three years have also passed and I am fully sure now that I definitely loved one more then the other and that had he loved me back, I would probably be with him right now, because I LOVE HIM STILL! his name is Benjamin Nunez the man who I dedicated this blog too and the man who introduced me to the concept of living in the moment.  The man who made me want to be better! 


So, for anyone who ever comes across my blog who is confused about all these people I claim to care about, I will tell you this.  I have a great big heart and I can care about many many men.  However, I am ALWAYS as honest as I can be, because I will not play with anyones feelings.  In my heart though, there is only one true love that I try not to think of as much, because he has a girlfriend and is living his life and I am aware that by thinking of him I will only hurt myself.  I am learning how to live in this moment and in this moment I am typing on my laptop thinking about a love that never could be.  But that doesn't mean I can't still know in the depths of my heart that he is the one person that with all of my heart if he came right now to me I would run away with.  YES! I would disappear to never be seen again! that's how real it is! 


But, the true reality of my life once again without getting distracted by my active imagination is the fact that the only moment that's real is this one and my reality is he is not in my life and has not been in over three years, so I live and some days I remember him and tears roll down my face as they did this afternoon and I embrace that feeling live it and let it go and move forward.  That is all that I can do.  That is reality!


Sometimes we need to allow our feelings to resurface so that we can slowly heal.  It's important to embrace them, but not dwell on them like I once did.  In my heart there he is tucked away in a place that no one else can touch or take from me.  There he is the man that I love....his name is Benjamin.  Benjamin Nunez......THAT'S NOT HIS REAL NAME...... but if you search my blog, I guarantee you, that's the name you will find over and over again.


If you have never read my blog, then below is the link to the story about Benjamin.... the man I still LOVE!

http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html




ADELE - SOMEONE LIKE YOU...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TysCyqI4kY&feature=related

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Dear Journal: 3-4-12 - Seeing him again.....

Dear Journal:


I am so busy that I have been neglecting you, but I promise that I think of you all the time.  My beautiful journal where I write my story.  I love it! I have been learning so many wonderful things lately that I have to say that everyday more and more I realize how lucky I am.  Studying psychology is so amazing, our minds are so wonderful.  I only hope that one day, I will be able to help people with what I am learning as that is my goal.


The truth is that my life has not been very eventful lately, it pretty much consists of me going to work, school and home.  I don't party I don't go out, but every now and then I will have a coffee date here and there.  I went on one tonight and had a very interesting conversation with a young man, yes, young because thats what I attract and the truth is, I don't care to admit anymore that I like them too.  The other day a man my age approached me and the only thing he did was piss me off real bad, what I have noticed for the most part is that no matter what age a man is, they are pretty much the same thing they all want one thing from me and well, lucky for me, I have the option to do whatever I want with that thing that belongs to me.  I go out and enjoy coffee and decide what I want, if I want and where I want.  I LOVE MY SINGLE LIFE! I have seriously learned to embrace it and honestly believe that being single really gives me the opportunity to meet all sorts of people it's pretty cool.


Something did happen this week that I must mention.  The other day I was on the train reading my book and I looked up and there he was, walking towards my direction.  When I saw him I felt sick like throwing up, I got nervous I blushed I felt butterflies It was a feeling that I couldn't control.  I wanted to laugh hide my face smile I just didn't know what to do.  Part of me wanted to crawl under something and disappear, but the other part of me wanted to go over to him and just catch up with my wonderful friend who I love.  The funny thing about it though was that I never thought that he still had that effect on me, I wasn't sure what to do and that is so unlike me, but whatever decision I would make in the next few minutes would change so many things.  I could walk out of that train and always wonder if he was still angry or confused about me, or I could take a chance talk to him and walk away crying again how I did a few months ago, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/10/journal-entry-10-27-11.html or I could take a chance and get my closure and know that he and I have both moved on and we can still say hello if we bump into each other.  


He didn't see me but ended up standing against the door right across from me, I was facing the door where I was standing but with my back to him, so he couldn't see my face.  For the next 20 minutes or so I decided that I was not going to talk to him so I began reading my book trying to just forget that he was there.  I kept mentally cursing him out telling myself that he was an asshole who hurt my feelings and I refused to talk to a jerk like him, but my heart kept telling me that the right thing to do, was to say hello to my friend that I often think of and miss, so when we finally got to the stop where we both go to college and the train was almost empty, I walked up to him and said hello.  With a smile he greeted me and the next few minutes, felt like the old two of us, I almost felt like he wanted to just sit and talk to me about all the things that have happened in his life the last few months and the truth is that if it wasn't because I had to go to class and so did he, I would of loved nothing more then to have sat with him and talked and talked and talked like we once did.  I had to control myself and tell myself that things had changed and that he was no longer my friend that I once shared so many secrets with.  I told him how I had just been thinking of him a few days before and called him an asshole and we both laughed.  God I love him! I miss my BK so much! but in my mind and in my heart I know that we can't even be friends anymore.  We finally got to the front of the building where my class is held and I had to say goodbye, I felt so sad that I had to say goodbye and walk away as if he were some stranger that I just bumped into and was catching up with.  I walked into the building and pouted all the way up to my class and the whole time I kept thinking...... Life is so unfair!


At the end of the day at least I can say, I LIVED THE EXPERIENCE! I know what it felt like and I have no regrets! He will always hold a special place in my heart and now I know, that if we ever bump into each other again..... WE ARE COOL!


When I wrote that last phrase, I thought of one of my favorite songs ever! Not really related to him and I as we were never in a relationship http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/05/dear-bk.html but I really love this song.....


PLEASE ENJOY!


GWEN STEFANI - COOL
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGwZ7MNtBFU

What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...