Skater boy.......
Avril Lavigne - Skater boy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIy3n2b7V9k&NR=1&feature=endscreen
Avril Lavigne - Skater boy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIy3n2b7V9k&NR=1&feature=endscreen
Monday, July 30, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
28 Days to overcome my addiction
Dear Journal:
I have missed you, but I have to tell you that lately I feel like I can't write, like the words that are meant for this entry, can't be typed, as I write this I feel physical pain going down my arm muscles all the way down to my fingers. I am in pain, the sort of pain I don't know how to describe other than to say that it is a pain deep in my soul and in my heart and when I accept it and face it, it's really scary and very hurtful.
In October it will be 4 years that I became addicted to someone, no, love may not be your typical addiction, but when you become that persons personal stalker, it definitely can become one. Hi, my name is Jazzy and I am a stalker. As I write this tears are rolling down my cheeks, because this is the sort of thing I don't wish upon anyone, it has been really hard for me, because the love I had for someone was so deep, I felt helpless, I felt like I couldn't control it, I felt like it had the very best of me and as If I needed it for my very existence. I have written his name on my blog a million times and these days, even talking about him, is difficult.
The first thing I have to say is that I am not like those creepy, scary stalkers that follow the person around or wait for him anywhere, or prank call or send weird letters in the mail, without identifying themselves. I am guilty of stalking someone because just to know that he lives, was enough for me to go on with life as normal as possible, my obsession for him is so great, that I made up my own stories in my mind about the day I would finally have him. It is so hard to face these demons and to move on from this, because he is the very reason why I am writing again, he is the very reason why I believe in love, he is the very reason why I believe that we can do whatever we set out to, if we really want to. He made me want to be better and for that I love him! his name......... Benjamin Nunez (that's not his real name) http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
For a really long time, I was doing really well, I wasn't even contacting him, I was moving on with my life trying to let go, I know that AJ had something to do with that, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html because when I started feeling things for him that I haven't felt for anyone else, I began to realize, that I could love again and that it is possible to forget someone no matter how long it may take. Without realizing it, I found someone who also inspired me and made me want to be better, all of a sudden, just knowing AJ, made me want to dance, sing, draw, write. He brought out the best in me and I loved that.
Then, things between he and I didn't work and although there is not one day that doesn't go by that I don't think about him, there was still that other part of me that knew that the one that always had me completely was Benjamin, like he could come to me right now and say the word and I would be his, mind, body and soul. This was evident to me about a month ago, when I went on his facebook page and there were all these pictures of his trip that I am assuming he took with his girlfriend. When I saw them, I broke down and that night cried myself to sleep. I thought I was over those feeling for him, but my reaction to those pictures really demonstrated to me that I still had very strong feeling for him and that I had to do something about it.
Then, the other day, I was talking to my wonderful awesome amazing friend D.B.S, and he told me something that sort of clicked in my head and made me realize something that is so evident to everyone but sometimes so hard to accept. I sent D.B.S a message and told him that I really missed AJ and he told me that he understood and that it was ok, and that I would get over it eventually. Then he said to me, that he missed his ex girlfriend as well and that he was so pathetic, because he would go on her FB page at least once a day, because when we love someone, just knowing they are living, is sometimes enough to calm our hunger for them. I KNOW THAT FEELING ALL TOO WELL! I said to him, because for almost 4 years, there has not been not one day, that I don't go on Benjamin's blog or Facebook or Twitter. As I was saying that to him, it made me realize that it was time that I get rid of this bad habit, a habit that has not allowed me to really move on from Benjamin, I realized that I had to make a real effort. To get rid of that habit, of going on his pages just so that I can satisfy my hunger for him, a habit that sometimes hurts me deeply. I need to realize that knowing things about him don't serve me any purpose, all those things do to me is hurt me, like the day that I saw pictures of his joyous trip with the woman who probably has his thoughts, his love and affection, the woman that now has him, my love.
What about the day I go on one of these pages and I find out that he is getting married? what of me? I can't continue to hurt myself and keep myself from moving forward. I talk about living in the moment and if he's no longer in my life this moment, then why am I holding on to him?
So, that afternoon after talking to my friend, I went on his Facebook page to stalk him as I have done so for the last nearly 4 years and I did something that I have done a few times in these past 4 years. I went into the settings on my phone and I blocked him. I didn't block him for him not to know about me, because for all I know, I no longer exist in this world to him, but because he is very much alive in me, I needed to block him from me, I needed to block him so that anytime I try to go on that page, I can not. I have blocked him in the past and even blocked his website from my computer my phone, he blocked me from his twitter account like three years ago, after our initial fight that ended our friendship. Yet I closed my old account and started a new one and figured out a way to view his tweets. It doesn't help that everything he has is public as is my stuff. It is so easy to just check, even if we are not friends on any social network site. It's really pathetic and embarrassing how I have become this crazy woman in love.
But now I'm done! I am sick of this habit, this sick obsession over someone that does not at all deserve my love my attention my devotion. I can give that to someone who truly deserves me and when the time is right, I will give that to someone else. I have blocked him from me so that I can finally move on and I am writing on my calendar every day that goes by, that another day has passed since I don't know absolutely nothing about him, yet here I am, although in a bit of physical pain in my arms and fingers and in my heart, but I am here, writing this entry, alive and well, full of love for my children, my family and my friends! I CAN OVERCOME THIS CRAZY ADDICTION! and I will! I am making a conscious effort. It only takes 28 days for me to overcome this addiction and I fully intend to overcome it.
Here I am putting this on my live journal, because I want anyone who comes across this page, to know that we can do ANYTHING we set out to do. I PROMISE YOU! I will do this! I once went 9 days without looking and on the 9th day I couldn't do it anymore and I wrote Benjamin a letter and called it 28 Days to overcome and addiction and I told him everything I had done to stop looking, but then I told him I was having a relapse, I felt compelled to look, to send him a message to reach out to him. Not this time! because this time I have you my beautiful journal, you, who I love and want to share my life with and because of you, I no longer need him, no I DO NOT!
I will love again one day! I WILL! and when that day comes, I will not need to stalk anyone or do anything crazy, because he will love me back also. I KNOW, he is out there, I feel it! I don't know who, I don't know how, I don't know when, but I know I WILL!
One Republic - Secrets
http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
I have missed you, but I have to tell you that lately I feel like I can't write, like the words that are meant for this entry, can't be typed, as I write this I feel physical pain going down my arm muscles all the way down to my fingers. I am in pain, the sort of pain I don't know how to describe other than to say that it is a pain deep in my soul and in my heart and when I accept it and face it, it's really scary and very hurtful.
In October it will be 4 years that I became addicted to someone, no, love may not be your typical addiction, but when you become that persons personal stalker, it definitely can become one. Hi, my name is Jazzy and I am a stalker. As I write this tears are rolling down my cheeks, because this is the sort of thing I don't wish upon anyone, it has been really hard for me, because the love I had for someone was so deep, I felt helpless, I felt like I couldn't control it, I felt like it had the very best of me and as If I needed it for my very existence. I have written his name on my blog a million times and these days, even talking about him, is difficult.
The first thing I have to say is that I am not like those creepy, scary stalkers that follow the person around or wait for him anywhere, or prank call or send weird letters in the mail, without identifying themselves. I am guilty of stalking someone because just to know that he lives, was enough for me to go on with life as normal as possible, my obsession for him is so great, that I made up my own stories in my mind about the day I would finally have him. It is so hard to face these demons and to move on from this, because he is the very reason why I am writing again, he is the very reason why I believe in love, he is the very reason why I believe that we can do whatever we set out to, if we really want to. He made me want to be better and for that I love him! his name......... Benjamin Nunez (that's not his real name) http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
For a really long time, I was doing really well, I wasn't even contacting him, I was moving on with my life trying to let go, I know that AJ had something to do with that, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html because when I started feeling things for him that I haven't felt for anyone else, I began to realize, that I could love again and that it is possible to forget someone no matter how long it may take. Without realizing it, I found someone who also inspired me and made me want to be better, all of a sudden, just knowing AJ, made me want to dance, sing, draw, write. He brought out the best in me and I loved that.
Then, things between he and I didn't work and although there is not one day that doesn't go by that I don't think about him, there was still that other part of me that knew that the one that always had me completely was Benjamin, like he could come to me right now and say the word and I would be his, mind, body and soul. This was evident to me about a month ago, when I went on his facebook page and there were all these pictures of his trip that I am assuming he took with his girlfriend. When I saw them, I broke down and that night cried myself to sleep. I thought I was over those feeling for him, but my reaction to those pictures really demonstrated to me that I still had very strong feeling for him and that I had to do something about it.
Then, the other day, I was talking to my wonderful awesome amazing friend D.B.S, and he told me something that sort of clicked in my head and made me realize something that is so evident to everyone but sometimes so hard to accept. I sent D.B.S a message and told him that I really missed AJ and he told me that he understood and that it was ok, and that I would get over it eventually. Then he said to me, that he missed his ex girlfriend as well and that he was so pathetic, because he would go on her FB page at least once a day, because when we love someone, just knowing they are living, is sometimes enough to calm our hunger for them. I KNOW THAT FEELING ALL TOO WELL! I said to him, because for almost 4 years, there has not been not one day, that I don't go on Benjamin's blog or Facebook or Twitter. As I was saying that to him, it made me realize that it was time that I get rid of this bad habit, a habit that has not allowed me to really move on from Benjamin, I realized that I had to make a real effort. To get rid of that habit, of going on his pages just so that I can satisfy my hunger for him, a habit that sometimes hurts me deeply. I need to realize that knowing things about him don't serve me any purpose, all those things do to me is hurt me, like the day that I saw pictures of his joyous trip with the woman who probably has his thoughts, his love and affection, the woman that now has him, my love.
What about the day I go on one of these pages and I find out that he is getting married? what of me? I can't continue to hurt myself and keep myself from moving forward. I talk about living in the moment and if he's no longer in my life this moment, then why am I holding on to him?
So, that afternoon after talking to my friend, I went on his Facebook page to stalk him as I have done so for the last nearly 4 years and I did something that I have done a few times in these past 4 years. I went into the settings on my phone and I blocked him. I didn't block him for him not to know about me, because for all I know, I no longer exist in this world to him, but because he is very much alive in me, I needed to block him from me, I needed to block him so that anytime I try to go on that page, I can not. I have blocked him in the past and even blocked his website from my computer my phone, he blocked me from his twitter account like three years ago, after our initial fight that ended our friendship. Yet I closed my old account and started a new one and figured out a way to view his tweets. It doesn't help that everything he has is public as is my stuff. It is so easy to just check, even if we are not friends on any social network site. It's really pathetic and embarrassing how I have become this crazy woman in love.
But now I'm done! I am sick of this habit, this sick obsession over someone that does not at all deserve my love my attention my devotion. I can give that to someone who truly deserves me and when the time is right, I will give that to someone else. I have blocked him from me so that I can finally move on and I am writing on my calendar every day that goes by, that another day has passed since I don't know absolutely nothing about him, yet here I am, although in a bit of physical pain in my arms and fingers and in my heart, but I am here, writing this entry, alive and well, full of love for my children, my family and my friends! I CAN OVERCOME THIS CRAZY ADDICTION! and I will! I am making a conscious effort. It only takes 28 days for me to overcome this addiction and I fully intend to overcome it.
Here I am putting this on my live journal, because I want anyone who comes across this page, to know that we can do ANYTHING we set out to do. I PROMISE YOU! I will do this! I once went 9 days without looking and on the 9th day I couldn't do it anymore and I wrote Benjamin a letter and called it 28 Days to overcome and addiction and I told him everything I had done to stop looking, but then I told him I was having a relapse, I felt compelled to look, to send him a message to reach out to him. Not this time! because this time I have you my beautiful journal, you, who I love and want to share my life with and because of you, I no longer need him, no I DO NOT!
I will love again one day! I WILL! and when that day comes, I will not need to stalk anyone or do anything crazy, because he will love me back also. I KNOW, he is out there, I feel it! I don't know who, I don't know how, I don't know when, but I know I WILL!
One Republic - Secrets
http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
Monday, July 23, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Ludwig van Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata
Whenever I am doing homework, I listen to classical music as to not get distracted. So, why is it that I still get distracted? I just love it so much! this beautiful amazing music that touches me deep in my heart and soul and sometimes brings tears to my eyes.
Just now, I was doing my homework and this beautiful piano sonata from the great Beethoven comes on my pandora classical music playlist, and I just had to stop and put it on my blog, because well....... This beautiful Piano Sonata is one of my favorites.
I invite you to just close your eyes and listen and feel it in your heart, allow your mind to be still, feel serene and peaceful. Enjoy!
Ludwig Van Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Qqib2eDweE
Just now, I was doing my homework and this beautiful piano sonata from the great Beethoven comes on my pandora classical music playlist, and I just had to stop and put it on my blog, because well....... This beautiful Piano Sonata is one of my favorites.
I invite you to just close your eyes and listen and feel it in your heart, allow your mind to be still, feel serene and peaceful. Enjoy!
Ludwig Van Beethoven - Moonlight Sonata
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Qqib2eDweE
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Dear Journal: 7-21-12
Dear Journal:
Today is a most beautiful day! the number is truly nice also, 7-21-12. It's my best friends birthday and I am going to have some dinner with her tonight, drinks and when I am with her, probably some good old reminiscing.
I feel like I am so focused on the future lately, that I don't ever think of the past, like letting go of some of the past has been good, I don't mean like the past like 5 years or so, I mean like the past 15 maybe. I don't know, I honestly don't remember a lot of it, I feel like I block things off and forget them, because a lot of what I went through, was too painful. It's really sad, because I sometimes forget even really nice wonderful memories, things that happened to my kids even, that people will remember and I don't. Not remembering some of those things really saddens me. But it is true, I really don't have a lot of my old memories, I don't understand why, but I know that I can't remember or maybe I choose not too, I am not sure. Sometimes, I remember things and that's when I feel this strong impulsive to write about it because then I can recall the information and put it on my journal, it's important for me to continue to write on here, because this is my reference tool, this is my past and my present to the best of my recollection.
I feel today like telling you, my sweet journal about my present. In constantly reminding myself to live in the moment, I have had the opportunity to experience so many wonderful joyful moments, that sometimes I become totally overwhelmed. Sometimes, I am so present, that I get scared, because it is in those moments, that life is crystal clear to me and it is frightening, when I experience that, I immediately tell myself, no not yet, I am not ready for this. It is quite creepy at times to be so aware and present. Imagine, seeing everything as clear as it is and knowing, just knowing everything. I can't explain it, but it is an amazing and scary thing, yet it is important because it makes life that much nicer.
Journal, I am afraid that I don't have too much excitement to report, life has been simple lately and I have to admit that I enjoy simplicity. I get up, go to work, school and come home. In between when I have time, I chat with this really handsome guy from Spain, another one from Connecticut, another one from Brooklyn and god only knows how many others I will briefly interact with virtually. I have to say, that although I talk to them all, no one seems to fill the void that my AJ left behind, journal, I think I was falling in love, WOW! I didn't even know I was, but I really think that's what it is. I have all the symptoms. However, I have made a decision that I will not continue to do what I have done in the past which is dwell and shut down. This time, I am not going into my shell as I have done in the past, this time, I am keeping it moving. I really am, like for instance this week I even went on a date and I had a really nice time, he's quite the nice guy, I like him. Well, there weren't sparks flying, everywhere, but he is good looking and really nice and I can definitely see myself kissing him, so that's a good sign. After we left each other, he asked me to meet him again and I intend to.
I think that it is time that Jazzy starts allowing herself to be a bit more open to intimacy, I can't allow other people's actions towards me, change who I am, I won't do that. When I met this individual for lunch this week, we got caught in the rain and had to run for it, it was actually a little romantic and felt really nice, I was happy to know that he liked the rain as much as I do. We did not kiss, because I want to take things slow, I cannot rush myself into feeling things that I don't. I keep thinking about the fact that when I met AJ I didn't even feel romantically attracted to him and yet it began to happen, because I started to see him with different eyes just by being his friend and getting to know him. Of course, it did help that he was sort of my type. He had these amazing green eyes, and the cutest light brown hair and his lips! OH THOSE LIPS! he was very handsome, I mean, I never saw him in person, but I didn't care, I got to know him and that was really awesome, developing feelings for someone based on who he was. We lived far away, so we didn't have the option to have sex, but, I honestly think that sex just ruins the romance and the process of truly getting to know someone and then realizing that you love them for who they are, not for how they make you feel in bed. I think I am at an age where I can differentiate lust and love, yet you get caught up in lust, because lust is SO DAMN GOOD! but, I don't allow myself too, because I did all of that already, it's easy for me to know what is lust and what is not.
Speaking of lust or maybe I should call it crush. The other day, I saw my building crush again. Remember him? he is the guy that I didn't really know I had a crush on but sort of did, then I saw him with his who I thought was girlfriend but wasn't and then I would see him on the train everyday but then after I started to actually talk to him and he formally introduced himself to me I stopped seeing! YES! THAT ONE! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-i-will-start-first-off-by.html goodness what is it with my luck? it's as if he changed jobs or moved away, I would see him everyday, but once we started talking, I don't EVER see him on the train anymore (insert sad smiley icon here) yeah, but the other day, I am leaving my apartment building, and I had been thinking about him off and on through out the day going, DAMN! where is he??? and all of a sudden, I run out of my building to go meet (a guy) and I'm running late so I am literally running to get to my car and as I turn the corner, there he is! I WAS LIKE OH MY GOOOOOODDDDDD it's him it's him!
He was probably about a half a block away from me and thank goodness I am a pretty decent runner, because I ran really fast at first, and then slowed down when I got closer not to be obvious. As I was walking, I kept noticing his walk, which was the goofiest, cutest adorable thing I have EVER seen! OH MY! he is just ADORABLE! the way he kind of wabbled from side to side his head going side to side. He reminded me of Toby McGuire in one of the spiderman movies where he is walking out of his school while that song raindrops keep falling on my head is playing in the background. JUST ADORABLE!
So now I am running a bit slower but for two reasons, one to get to my car and two, to catch up to him acting like it's a coincidence. Except that I was making so much noise, that at one point he started to look back to see who was coming, so he turned his head halfway, but looked across not behind him. When I start getting closer I start running a bit faster to get his attention, trying to make it seem like I was close all along, and this whole time I am thanking god that I run so I am not like dying and I can actually slow down to talk and not look like I just ran half a block but just a few steps. I finally catch up to him and am like hey! and he's like, HEY! with the cutest grin you can ever imagine! and he smiles and says, where are you running off too??? and I'm like oh I have to meet a friend (a guy) which I obviously don't tell him, and then to myself I think, GREAT! every single time I see you, I am utterly grateful that I don't have to use the term (amigo) in Spanish, because if I did, by now you would probably be like OMG, this woman has a boyfriend or something, meanwhile, it's just that I'm single and a bit of a player so I date, am I hurting anyone or doing anything wrong? NO!
So now I talk to him and I'm like yeah I saw you from back there and he's like really? wow you recognized me? (it was dark out) so now I am thinking to myself OH GREAT! I'm such a looser, he probably thinks I was running to see him, which I was but still! I didn't want him to know that. So I start startling like you know when you are trying to think of something quickly to say and I said something ridiculous like oh yeah cause I was running and then you turned and then since I seen you before from the back I kind of figured it was you....... OH BROTHER! what a LOOOOOSSER! I wanted to crawl under one of the cars that were parked, because I could tell he looked confused and could tell I was a bit nervous! NOBODY EVER! MAKES ME NERVOUS! UGH!
So then to top that off, I am like, so where have you been? which clearly demonstrates that I have been thinking about him and wondering, after making that comment I really really really wanted to crawl under something, I was so obvious! and he was like oh, I was in Costa Rica. So I was like Costa Rica? really? I was just there last October, by myself. When I said that he gave me this weird look and was like, BY YOURSELF? and I was so grateful that we both had to go in different directions at that point, which by the way I had also slowed my pace the minute I saw him, which clearly showed him that I slowed down for him. WOW! WHO AM I? and so the answer to his question was yeah, I do things like that! and then said ok my car is this way, and started running again. He must think I am a complete weirdo! which I sort of am, but I don't want him to know these things, not now at least! gosh! I just acted like a damn fool, teenager in lust or something. CRAZY!
After that day I have not seen him, that was last week. I sort of hope I stop seeing him, I don't think I want to. It's just easier to not get involved with people, especially someone that lives so close for comfort. I am not saying that he likes me back and that he will date me or whatever, but I do like him or not like him that is a strong word, I am attracted to him, and that is very rare, I am hardly EVER attracted to anyone. I am so picky, I sometimes just hang out with a guy, because well, why not? but, that doesn't mean I feel that WOW! and that WOW, is what I always look for and that WOW, is what I feel when I am around him. That is too close for comfort and I am good, thank you very much I don't need problems in my life. At least with the guy that I went on the date with, if I decide to not see him anymore, I can stop and I will probably never bump into him again, but this one, he lives right in my building. I was thinking of maybe asking him out next time I see him, I have never asked a man out in my life, so I was thinking of doing that, just as an experiment and to write about it, but then If I do, that will be awkward, especially if he says no. Naa! I'm good! I am not as bold as some may think I am, my lovely journal, not bold at all! and if he says yes and things don't go well, I will bump into him and feel awkward. I think I will pass this time journal, I think I like my simple kind of life.
Ok, gotta go now. Over and out from my bed with my laptop on my lap..... to you!
ps. here is the song with Toby McGuire that I referenced, THAT WALK WAS JUST TOO DAMN CUTE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNxyvTrQgMA
Today is a most beautiful day! the number is truly nice also, 7-21-12. It's my best friends birthday and I am going to have some dinner with her tonight, drinks and when I am with her, probably some good old reminiscing.
I feel like I am so focused on the future lately, that I don't ever think of the past, like letting go of some of the past has been good, I don't mean like the past like 5 years or so, I mean like the past 15 maybe. I don't know, I honestly don't remember a lot of it, I feel like I block things off and forget them, because a lot of what I went through, was too painful. It's really sad, because I sometimes forget even really nice wonderful memories, things that happened to my kids even, that people will remember and I don't. Not remembering some of those things really saddens me. But it is true, I really don't have a lot of my old memories, I don't understand why, but I know that I can't remember or maybe I choose not too, I am not sure. Sometimes, I remember things and that's when I feel this strong impulsive to write about it because then I can recall the information and put it on my journal, it's important for me to continue to write on here, because this is my reference tool, this is my past and my present to the best of my recollection.
I feel today like telling you, my sweet journal about my present. In constantly reminding myself to live in the moment, I have had the opportunity to experience so many wonderful joyful moments, that sometimes I become totally overwhelmed. Sometimes, I am so present, that I get scared, because it is in those moments, that life is crystal clear to me and it is frightening, when I experience that, I immediately tell myself, no not yet, I am not ready for this. It is quite creepy at times to be so aware and present. Imagine, seeing everything as clear as it is and knowing, just knowing everything. I can't explain it, but it is an amazing and scary thing, yet it is important because it makes life that much nicer.
Journal, I am afraid that I don't have too much excitement to report, life has been simple lately and I have to admit that I enjoy simplicity. I get up, go to work, school and come home. In between when I have time, I chat with this really handsome guy from Spain, another one from Connecticut, another one from Brooklyn and god only knows how many others I will briefly interact with virtually. I have to say, that although I talk to them all, no one seems to fill the void that my AJ left behind, journal, I think I was falling in love, WOW! I didn't even know I was, but I really think that's what it is. I have all the symptoms. However, I have made a decision that I will not continue to do what I have done in the past which is dwell and shut down. This time, I am not going into my shell as I have done in the past, this time, I am keeping it moving. I really am, like for instance this week I even went on a date and I had a really nice time, he's quite the nice guy, I like him. Well, there weren't sparks flying, everywhere, but he is good looking and really nice and I can definitely see myself kissing him, so that's a good sign. After we left each other, he asked me to meet him again and I intend to.
I think that it is time that Jazzy starts allowing herself to be a bit more open to intimacy, I can't allow other people's actions towards me, change who I am, I won't do that. When I met this individual for lunch this week, we got caught in the rain and had to run for it, it was actually a little romantic and felt really nice, I was happy to know that he liked the rain as much as I do. We did not kiss, because I want to take things slow, I cannot rush myself into feeling things that I don't. I keep thinking about the fact that when I met AJ I didn't even feel romantically attracted to him and yet it began to happen, because I started to see him with different eyes just by being his friend and getting to know him. Of course, it did help that he was sort of my type. He had these amazing green eyes, and the cutest light brown hair and his lips! OH THOSE LIPS! he was very handsome, I mean, I never saw him in person, but I didn't care, I got to know him and that was really awesome, developing feelings for someone based on who he was. We lived far away, so we didn't have the option to have sex, but, I honestly think that sex just ruins the romance and the process of truly getting to know someone and then realizing that you love them for who they are, not for how they make you feel in bed. I think I am at an age where I can differentiate lust and love, yet you get caught up in lust, because lust is SO DAMN GOOD! but, I don't allow myself too, because I did all of that already, it's easy for me to know what is lust and what is not.
Speaking of lust or maybe I should call it crush. The other day, I saw my building crush again. Remember him? he is the guy that I didn't really know I had a crush on but sort of did, then I saw him with his who I thought was girlfriend but wasn't and then I would see him on the train everyday but then after I started to actually talk to him and he formally introduced himself to me I stopped seeing! YES! THAT ONE! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-i-will-start-first-off-by.html goodness what is it with my luck? it's as if he changed jobs or moved away, I would see him everyday, but once we started talking, I don't EVER see him on the train anymore (insert sad smiley icon here) yeah, but the other day, I am leaving my apartment building, and I had been thinking about him off and on through out the day going, DAMN! where is he??? and all of a sudden, I run out of my building to go meet (a guy) and I'm running late so I am literally running to get to my car and as I turn the corner, there he is! I WAS LIKE OH MY GOOOOOODDDDDD it's him it's him!
He was probably about a half a block away from me and thank goodness I am a pretty decent runner, because I ran really fast at first, and then slowed down when I got closer not to be obvious. As I was walking, I kept noticing his walk, which was the goofiest, cutest adorable thing I have EVER seen! OH MY! he is just ADORABLE! the way he kind of wabbled from side to side his head going side to side. He reminded me of Toby McGuire in one of the spiderman movies where he is walking out of his school while that song raindrops keep falling on my head is playing in the background. JUST ADORABLE!
So now I am running a bit slower but for two reasons, one to get to my car and two, to catch up to him acting like it's a coincidence. Except that I was making so much noise, that at one point he started to look back to see who was coming, so he turned his head halfway, but looked across not behind him. When I start getting closer I start running a bit faster to get his attention, trying to make it seem like I was close all along, and this whole time I am thanking god that I run so I am not like dying and I can actually slow down to talk and not look like I just ran half a block but just a few steps. I finally catch up to him and am like hey! and he's like, HEY! with the cutest grin you can ever imagine! and he smiles and says, where are you running off too??? and I'm like oh I have to meet a friend (a guy) which I obviously don't tell him, and then to myself I think, GREAT! every single time I see you, I am utterly grateful that I don't have to use the term (amigo) in Spanish, because if I did, by now you would probably be like OMG, this woman has a boyfriend or something, meanwhile, it's just that I'm single and a bit of a player so I date, am I hurting anyone or doing anything wrong? NO!
So now I talk to him and I'm like yeah I saw you from back there and he's like really? wow you recognized me? (it was dark out) so now I am thinking to myself OH GREAT! I'm such a looser, he probably thinks I was running to see him, which I was but still! I didn't want him to know that. So I start startling like you know when you are trying to think of something quickly to say and I said something ridiculous like oh yeah cause I was running and then you turned and then since I seen you before from the back I kind of figured it was you....... OH BROTHER! what a LOOOOOSSER! I wanted to crawl under one of the cars that were parked, because I could tell he looked confused and could tell I was a bit nervous! NOBODY EVER! MAKES ME NERVOUS! UGH!
So then to top that off, I am like, so where have you been? which clearly demonstrates that I have been thinking about him and wondering, after making that comment I really really really wanted to crawl under something, I was so obvious! and he was like oh, I was in Costa Rica. So I was like Costa Rica? really? I was just there last October, by myself. When I said that he gave me this weird look and was like, BY YOURSELF? and I was so grateful that we both had to go in different directions at that point, which by the way I had also slowed my pace the minute I saw him, which clearly showed him that I slowed down for him. WOW! WHO AM I? and so the answer to his question was yeah, I do things like that! and then said ok my car is this way, and started running again. He must think I am a complete weirdo! which I sort of am, but I don't want him to know these things, not now at least! gosh! I just acted like a damn fool, teenager in lust or something. CRAZY!
After that day I have not seen him, that was last week. I sort of hope I stop seeing him, I don't think I want to. It's just easier to not get involved with people, especially someone that lives so close for comfort. I am not saying that he likes me back and that he will date me or whatever, but I do like him or not like him that is a strong word, I am attracted to him, and that is very rare, I am hardly EVER attracted to anyone. I am so picky, I sometimes just hang out with a guy, because well, why not? but, that doesn't mean I feel that WOW! and that WOW, is what I always look for and that WOW, is what I feel when I am around him. That is too close for comfort and I am good, thank you very much I don't need problems in my life. At least with the guy that I went on the date with, if I decide to not see him anymore, I can stop and I will probably never bump into him again, but this one, he lives right in my building. I was thinking of maybe asking him out next time I see him, I have never asked a man out in my life, so I was thinking of doing that, just as an experiment and to write about it, but then If I do, that will be awkward, especially if he says no. Naa! I'm good! I am not as bold as some may think I am, my lovely journal, not bold at all! and if he says yes and things don't go well, I will bump into him and feel awkward. I think I will pass this time journal, I think I like my simple kind of life.
Ok, gotta go now. Over and out from my bed with my laptop on my lap..... to you!
ps. here is the song with Toby McGuire that I referenced, THAT WALK WAS JUST TOO DAMN CUTE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNxyvTrQgMA
Happy BDAY to my Best Friend
I want to wish my best friend since HS Jen, a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Since I was a teenager, I have always said, that one day I would write a book. I would always say that to my my best friend Jen, her response was always.... DO IT!
She always gave me advice and stood beside me when I was down and even if we would fight and stop talking to one anther, she was the one that I knew, ALWAYS, had my back! she took me in when I had no place to live and she shared her bed and food with me. I DON'T FORGET FRIEND!
Dear Jen:
I want you to know that even if we don't talk everyday, even if we don't hang out or spend quality time together, you are my best friend that I love always! I don't think that anyone other than you, has really seen me in my worst as you have, you know what I mean.
So, on this your special day, I want to thank you, for believing in me and my abilities! I know when you say your happy for me, you feel that in your heart!
I love you with all of my heart and I wish you have many many many more wonderful amazing years to come. Thank you for being my friend, thank you for being you!
HAPPY BIG DAY BEST FRIEND! I LOVE YOU!
Ps. I love that your just like wine!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVzIGMqRznk
Since I was a teenager, I have always said, that one day I would write a book. I would always say that to my my best friend Jen, her response was always.... DO IT!
She always gave me advice and stood beside me when I was down and even if we would fight and stop talking to one anther, she was the one that I knew, ALWAYS, had my back! she took me in when I had no place to live and she shared her bed and food with me. I DON'T FORGET FRIEND!
Dear Jen:
I want you to know that even if we don't talk everyday, even if we don't hang out or spend quality time together, you are my best friend that I love always! I don't think that anyone other than you, has really seen me in my worst as you have, you know what I mean.
So, on this your special day, I want to thank you, for believing in me and my abilities! I know when you say your happy for me, you feel that in your heart!
I love you with all of my heart and I wish you have many many many more wonderful amazing years to come. Thank you for being my friend, thank you for being you!
HAPPY BIG DAY BEST FRIEND! I LOVE YOU!
Ps. I love that your just like wine!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVzIGMqRznk
Van Morrison - Into The Mystic
Every now and then, there are those that bring music into your life, when it happens to me, I take it and learn from it and be happy that I had it, even if only for a moment in time........
Van Morrison - Into The Mystic
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpPSBzGEklE
Van Morrison - Into The Mystic
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpPSBzGEklE
Friday, July 20, 2012
Seether - Breakdown
I was on myspace listening to someone's play list and I have no idea how this song just came on, but I heard it liked it and I had to share it... LOVE MUSIC!
Seether - Breakdown
Seether - Breakdown
Monday, July 16, 2012
7/16/12 - Is it just a little crush?? cont.
Dear Journal:
I will start first off by telling you that last night I watched Vampire diaries on Netflix and I realized two things. One, I have absolutely no idea what is going on in the world of television and I need to sort of sit and watch something sometimes and two, I absolutely love vampires. Oh wait there is three things actually, I really hate netflix! I have no idea why I feel like this is something significant enough to write on my journal, but I think it has something to do with the fact that the vampire diaries is a show about, well, the diaries of a vampire and since you are my diary, then I just wanted to put it on here because I think diaries are soooo damn awesome!
Tonight I am going to start class, this short summer semester, I will be taking a class called Exploring Robotics, I KNOW! What in the world am I going to get out of learning about robots??? I have absolutely no idea! But, there are certain classes that I have to take in order to graduate and so this was one of the choices that I had and the only one available, so now I am stuck learning about it. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind learning new things, but quite honestly if I could have avoided this particular class I would have, except that due to my procrastinating, the class I really wanted to take was filled and I was left exploring robotics. I am sure I will have much to report about this class in the near future.
Ok, so remember that guy in my building that I didn’t know, I had a crush on but sort of did but was in denial about it?? YES, THAT ONE! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-is-it-just-little-crush.html Well guess what? after I talked to him that one time on my way to the train and he was totally grilling me on my whole life story, I didn’t see him again for DAYS! I was like what the F! I used to see him daily, then after we talked, I barely see him. The other day however, I was all dressed up on my way to meet up with this guy and as I am walking out of the elevator, there he was! I got so nervous! OH MY GOD! He was standing by the mailboxes getting his mail and had not seen me, so I say, HEY YOU! And he looks my way and lit up like a Christmas tree! It was awesome seeing him get that way, I hope it isn’t my imagination, but he stopped what he was doing, turned to me and started talking to me. Oh my god! he’s so cute! in that moment I wished so bad I could ditch the date and just stay with him talking about whatever.
We talked briefly about our week and how he was going to just relax and do nothing and all I could think of was….. Can I PLEASE!! come to your apartment and do nothing with you???? I’m telling you right now journal, had he said you want to hang out, I would of cancelled everything and hung out with him, he’s so damn adorable! when he asked where I was heading, I totally chocked, because I knew I was about to tell a lie and I hate lying, I am so bad at it, I was like. Oh, I’m going to New Jersey to meet my friend. I have to admit that I love the word “friend” because I wasn’t lying really, I was going to meet a “friend” except it was a male friend, had I been speaking to him in Spanish, I would have had to tell him it was a male friend, because in Spanish, you say amiga or amigo the words that refer to a male, always end with the O therefore, by me saying friend, it’s not gender specific and I was going to meet a friend, but a guy friend, so technically, I wasn't lying, yet I felt extremely guilty.
Then, he was like oh really? where are you guys heading? and I kept thinking Oh my GAWD!!! Please no more questions! I don’t want to keep lying to you (insert sad face here) and I was like, oh (and took a quick minute to think up of a lie) and then was like, well just to eat something, nothing big. I had to lie to him because I couldn’t very well tell him I was on my way to hang out with some guy. UGH! lying sucks so bad, but in these circumstances, I don’t want him to know these things, not yet, I swear I feel like he could totally tell I was fibbing. I bet now he thinks I’m some liar! UGH! I hate that.
Then, he was like oh really? where are you guys heading? and I kept thinking Oh my GAWD!!! Please no more questions! I don’t want to keep lying to you (insert sad face here) and I was like, oh (and took a quick minute to think up of a lie) and then was like, well just to eat something, nothing big. I had to lie to him because I couldn’t very well tell him I was on my way to hang out with some guy. UGH! lying sucks so bad, but in these circumstances, I don’t want him to know these things, not yet, I swear I feel like he could totally tell I was fibbing. I bet now he thinks I’m some liar! UGH! I hate that.
After I said good bye, without wanting to, I left the building with a big smile on my face thinking, OH MY GOD! he is soooo damn adorable! I can’t take it! I haven’t been seeing him though on the train anymore. This sucks so bad! maybe it’s better that way, having some sort of romantic something with someone who lives in the same place you do, can’t be a good idea, although it would be sooooo extremely convenient for me, especially because of my time constraint and the fact that I NEVER have enough free time, to actually devote time to a man. Can you imagine journal??? it would be so awesome! I could see him quickly even just to get a good night kiss or I could put my kids to sleep and sneak over to his apartment! OH MY GAWWWDD! FOCUS JAZZY! You are out of CONTROL! but it’s TRUE! it couldn’t be any more perfect than that! I’m just saying.
Alright, got to go now, to much fantasizing going on in my mind right now and it’s all imagination! GOD I LOVE MY IMAGINATION! so awesome and so much fun. Wish me luck that I bump into him again soon!
CHAO!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Hypnotized, Ani DiFranco
My friend Benjamin sent me this song ones. And I was Hypnotized........Listen to that guitar!
Ani DiFranco - Hypnotized
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe9NTSaYCAM
Ani DiFranco - Hypnotized
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe9NTSaYCAM
Dear Journal: 7-15-12 a moment in time....
Dear Journal:
This morning, I jokingly told my ex husband (or my husband as I still haven't divorced him) that we should just date behind everyone's back. I was joking, but, 50% of what we say joking is true. After I said that, he answered me as he always does... What the hell are you talking about? your crazy! YES I AM! then we both began to laugh as we always end up doing when we talk about silly stuff.
I don't really want to get back with my ex husband because I am no longer in love with him, that, and he has a girlfriend. But life sure would be easier if we would of known how to work it out, or at least, if we would of stayed in love. Without love, you can't really fix a relationship, you need that to be the foundation on which to work your problems on. I am a strong believer, that children is not a reason for a couple to stay together. I wouldn't do it, I feel it hurts the children more if you are together and miserable, but that's a whole other blog post.
Anyway, he gave me two wonderful children and got me into loving spanish romantic music. When I met him, he knew every romantic spanish song you can think of, his passion was soccer and spanish romantic songs. Although I am latin and my mom loved that genre of music as well and I grew up listening to some of it, I have to admit, that had it not been for him, I would of probably not learned how to appreciate this genre of music as much as I do. I don't listen to it often anymore, it brings me back too many sad memories, of a love that I once knew, that love being him. But sometimes, a song will come up on one of my play lists, or I will hear one somewhere, and it makes me feel very melancholic. The lyrics to some of these songs are just so beautiful.
This song just came on my grooveshark shark play list and it made me feel sad. Beautiful song.
Cristian Castro - No Hace Falta
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gysA2GD7jX0
This morning, I jokingly told my ex husband (or my husband as I still haven't divorced him) that we should just date behind everyone's back. I was joking, but, 50% of what we say joking is true. After I said that, he answered me as he always does... What the hell are you talking about? your crazy! YES I AM! then we both began to laugh as we always end up doing when we talk about silly stuff.
I don't really want to get back with my ex husband because I am no longer in love with him, that, and he has a girlfriend. But life sure would be easier if we would of known how to work it out, or at least, if we would of stayed in love. Without love, you can't really fix a relationship, you need that to be the foundation on which to work your problems on. I am a strong believer, that children is not a reason for a couple to stay together. I wouldn't do it, I feel it hurts the children more if you are together and miserable, but that's a whole other blog post.
Anyway, he gave me two wonderful children and got me into loving spanish romantic music. When I met him, he knew every romantic spanish song you can think of, his passion was soccer and spanish romantic songs. Although I am latin and my mom loved that genre of music as well and I grew up listening to some of it, I have to admit, that had it not been for him, I would of probably not learned how to appreciate this genre of music as much as I do. I don't listen to it often anymore, it brings me back too many sad memories, of a love that I once knew, that love being him. But sometimes, a song will come up on one of my play lists, or I will hear one somewhere, and it makes me feel very melancholic. The lyrics to some of these songs are just so beautiful.
This song just came on my grooveshark shark play list and it made me feel sad. Beautiful song.
Cristian Castro - No Hace Falta
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gysA2GD7jX0
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Dear Journal - Short little meaningful stories....
Dear Journal:
I feel happy! for absolutely no reason at all, other than I am alive and well and so are my children. For this I am truly grateful! life is so beautiful, I decided to cherish every single moment, whether it a good one or a bad one, with an open heart, compassion and love!
Yesterday on my way out of popeyes, a little old lady in like her 80's held the door for me and my daughter. The old old me, would of probably not noticed such a thing, but since I have opted to be present in the moment as much as possible, I had the pleasure of talking to this lovely old lady who was kind enough to hold the door for my daughter and I. I asked her if she was going to go inside the restaurant and she said she wasn't, she just wanted to hold the door for my little girl, because she was so petty and sweet. My daughter automatically began talking to her, and Aetna, pulled out money from her purse and gave her 2 dollars and told my daughter that she loved her very much. I was so touched, especially when I asked her if she had children of her own and she turned around and said, no, I never had any, the man that I was supposed to marry, died the day before our wedding and I was never able to love again. My heart broke and my eyes became watery, I kept thinking, WOW! I have had the pleasure of not loving once, but many times in my life, I am truly blessed!
Aetna my daughter and I walked together for a few blocks until we reached her building, she turned to my daughter and I and told both of us she loved us and I told my daughter to reply that she loved her too and I said it to her as well. Once she was gone, it dawned on me that God had sent me an angel to let me know that it is ok, it is ok, if we are not always with the person we love, it is ok, if we go through life and don't find one person only to love or be in love with, because we should be loving everyone, we should always have nothing but love for our fellow brothers and sisters and we should forgive and understand, that we are all humans and make mistakes and hurt one another for the most part unintentionally. I was deeply touched by her story, she lost her one true love to faith, yet there she was, telling two perfect strangers that she loved them and wishing them well. It was just a beautiful moment that I needed to share on my blog. Had I not been paying attention, had I been in another world (aka my head) and not in this one, this present moment, I would of missed out on having a conversation with a lovely angel.
Life is good, no matter the challenges or hardships or heartaches, as long as there is health, there is promise there is goodness there is hope and there is most certainly LOVE!
Ok, off to the beach I go.......
I love this song!
DeBarge - Rhythm of the night
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAQSZhazYk8
I feel happy! for absolutely no reason at all, other than I am alive and well and so are my children. For this I am truly grateful! life is so beautiful, I decided to cherish every single moment, whether it a good one or a bad one, with an open heart, compassion and love!
Yesterday on my way out of popeyes, a little old lady in like her 80's held the door for me and my daughter. The old old me, would of probably not noticed such a thing, but since I have opted to be present in the moment as much as possible, I had the pleasure of talking to this lovely old lady who was kind enough to hold the door for my daughter and I. I asked her if she was going to go inside the restaurant and she said she wasn't, she just wanted to hold the door for my little girl, because she was so petty and sweet. My daughter automatically began talking to her, and Aetna, pulled out money from her purse and gave her 2 dollars and told my daughter that she loved her very much. I was so touched, especially when I asked her if she had children of her own and she turned around and said, no, I never had any, the man that I was supposed to marry, died the day before our wedding and I was never able to love again. My heart broke and my eyes became watery, I kept thinking, WOW! I have had the pleasure of not loving once, but many times in my life, I am truly blessed!
Aetna my daughter and I walked together for a few blocks until we reached her building, she turned to my daughter and I and told both of us she loved us and I told my daughter to reply that she loved her too and I said it to her as well. Once she was gone, it dawned on me that God had sent me an angel to let me know that it is ok, it is ok, if we are not always with the person we love, it is ok, if we go through life and don't find one person only to love or be in love with, because we should be loving everyone, we should always have nothing but love for our fellow brothers and sisters and we should forgive and understand, that we are all humans and make mistakes and hurt one another for the most part unintentionally. I was deeply touched by her story, she lost her one true love to faith, yet there she was, telling two perfect strangers that she loved them and wishing them well. It was just a beautiful moment that I needed to share on my blog. Had I not been paying attention, had I been in another world (aka my head) and not in this one, this present moment, I would of missed out on having a conversation with a lovely angel.
Life is good, no matter the challenges or hardships or heartaches, as long as there is health, there is promise there is goodness there is hope and there is most certainly LOVE!
Ok, off to the beach I go.......
I love this song!
DeBarge - Rhythm of the night
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAQSZhazYk8
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Tell Me Lies......
Lies and lies and more lies.... That's all they do, is lie! but why? why oh why do they lie???
I like this song, for the strangest reason, it makes me think of...... AJ..........
Little Lies - Fleetwood Mac
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2j8-_vIplso
I like this song, for the strangest reason, it makes me think of...... AJ..........
Little Lies - Fleetwood Mac
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2j8-_vIplso
Dear Journal: Is it just.... A LITTLE CRUSH?
Dear Journal:
I'm sorry, I have been a bit of a slacker with you lately, I feel like I have so much to tell you, yet I don't know where to begin or what to actually share with you. I mean I can share it all, but it's just a lot and all over the place, so I decided that I was going to share with you the most significant thing that is currently going on in my life. But first things first! the other day when I realized that my summer class starts next week, I kept getting knots in my stomach, because I am so nervous. I always get anxious and excited whenever a new semester is going to start, for a few reasons. One, it means I am getting closer to graduating, two, it means that I will be starting a whole new subject and a whole new lot of things to learn and study and third, I get excited about the fact that I will meet new people a new professor and just get all excited at the thought that maybe there will be some cute guy in my class that I can crush over. It's so much fun!
Speaking of crushes, there is something really important I need to tell you about journal. Well, it's not important, but it's sort of bothering me and I am feeling quite confused but yet have butterflies about it and am feeling weird about it because it is something that has not happened to me since Benjamin, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html meaning, that yes I do like people from time to time and yes every now and then I find someone attractive and all that good stuff, but this one, this one is a bit different. Actually, there is a bit of history behind it so let me start there.
Once upon a time, there lived a princess named Jazzy. Jazzy was super duper awesome! she was smart, funny, cute and really really crazy. Non the less, even with her craziness, she still managed to live her daily life as normal as humanly possible, it was her secret that she was completely insane and therefore, she had to act each day as if she was a sane individual....... Ok ok... I am joking journal, there is no fairytale although I do hope to write my own one day. But seriously, let me tell you what happened. I know that I always tell you how I meet all these awesome people on line and how I will go on dates with some, and how I have developed feelings for a few people, maybe not like IN LOVE like how I felt for Benjamin, remember him? but like people that have been really special and meaningful and have left my life and taught me valuable lessons.
This one, journal, the one I am about to tell you about, this one is 100% REAL! meaning, live and direct and right in my path, like in my home almost literally! I will explain. Nearly 2 years ago, I moved to this awesome apartment that I absolutely love in Brooklyn. When I first moved there, I was either leaving or coming into my building and as I was doing so, THERE HE WAS! this tall, maybe about 5 foot 10 maybe 11 inch guy, thin, with a dark shadow beard a thin nose, short hair and the best set of lips you can ever imagine! When I saw him, the first thing that came to my mind was OH MY GOD! JUST MY TYPE! YUM! I could suck on his............LIPS! oh my goodness journal, did you just think I was thinking something else??? WOW! I would NEVER..... write about that to you! I have another journal for that! ok, so back to me and him and his sexy lips. After I saw him and that thought quickly crossed my mind, I would always see him and I can't remember why, but we would just always say hello. Nothing crazy, nothing for me to write about, just hi. I would barely ever see him and if I would, he never looked at me any certain way and what I mean by that is he never gave me that "look" like the look of attraction, like I could tell he wasn't thinking about sucking my lips. I never thought about it much but then one day, I am walking out and he is walking with this short Asian chick and when I saw that I thought to myself, OH! NO WONDER! UGH! why do they always like the short Asian chicks? and of course I looked at her up and down and decided she had nothing on me and thought to myself, well, now I know why he doesn't pay me any mind, he is happy and in love.
Time passed and I would randomly see him, and then out of no where, it turned out that we would take the train in the morning at the same time, so I started to see him at the same time every morning. When I would see him, he would never see me, it seemed as if he was always in his own world. From a far however on the same platform, I would look at him and think, NOW THAT'S THE KIND OF GUY I LIKE, man, he is soooo damn cute! honestly, to the average person, he is probably just an average guy, but, I am like I have said before, attracted to the weirdest people, I find things attractive that others would be like WHAT THE FUCK! so I don't know, let's just say that in my eyes, since I am crushing over him, he is EXTREMELY HANDSOME!
The other morning, and this is kind of wrong, but I needed to do this, because I just absolutely had to find out, additionally, it was totally random and not malicious at least not on my behalf, but the other morning, as I am about to walk out of my building, I see a shadow coming down the stairs, the funny thing is, that for some reason I just felt like OMG, that's him! yet I just saw a quick shadow, but I looked back and it was him and I got so nervous, which is so unlike me, but I got so nervous that I kept thinking what to do what to do??? like I needed to stall in order to give him enough time to catch up. So I sort of held the door but then realized that, that was way to obvious, so I walked out but walked EXTREMELY slow, making it appear that he was catching up to me just by "ACCIDENT" WELL! he catches up and says hey! good morning how are you? and I'm like hey how are you! I couldn't control the smile on my face that was as they say, from ear to ear, so I say good morning and we start talking and I am like, oh yeah, I saw you last time with your girlfriend and he's like, my girlfriend? I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! and I'm like you don't? OH I saw you with an Asian girl and when I said that, he kind of avoided the whole topic and his expression said it all, and what it basically said was....... that is a soar topic! So I just continued to play it off and the conversation continued and we walked two blocks to the train and of course I get there and realize I had to buy my ticket to get on the train, FUCK! so I tell him to go on without me, so he says good bye, but then check it out what happened next!
I buy my ticket I go through the turnstile at the train station and guess who's standing there waiting for me???? IT WAS HIM! WOOO HOOOO! I was like OMG! he waited hahaha... so he looks at me and says, guess what? your good, you made it. So we both smile and walk down the stairs still much involved in the conversation. So here is what we talked about. He wanted to know EVERYTHING ABOUT ME! he officially introduced himself and shook my hand and asked me about myself, where I worked, what I did, when I mentioned my kids, he asked how old they were, and even said, I wonder if I have ever seen them? we talked about his work, he talked about the building what he liked disliked about it, and of course, I casually mentioned I was single! YES I DID! all I know is that I think I might of seen some sparks at some point, but then again the sparks might have been the excitement and nerves inside of me and my mind in disbelief that I was talking to the guy I have had a crush on unknowingly for over a year probably. Additionally, I couldn't believe how much he wanted to talk to me and know so much about me, I kept thinking wow! you sure do seem interested in knowing stuff about me, for a guy who barely noticed me before (because maybe he was in love) you sure do want to know alot!
I don't know! but this feeling is pretty fun! I feel like a young HS girl who wants to get pretty to go to school everyday, in case she sees the boy she likes! I LOVE THAT FEELING! so much fun! I guess only time will tell......
STAY TUNED JOURNAL! AS THIS STORY DEVELOPS!
I'm sorry, I have been a bit of a slacker with you lately, I feel like I have so much to tell you, yet I don't know where to begin or what to actually share with you. I mean I can share it all, but it's just a lot and all over the place, so I decided that I was going to share with you the most significant thing that is currently going on in my life. But first things first! the other day when I realized that my summer class starts next week, I kept getting knots in my stomach, because I am so nervous. I always get anxious and excited whenever a new semester is going to start, for a few reasons. One, it means I am getting closer to graduating, two, it means that I will be starting a whole new subject and a whole new lot of things to learn and study and third, I get excited about the fact that I will meet new people a new professor and just get all excited at the thought that maybe there will be some cute guy in my class that I can crush over. It's so much fun!
Speaking of crushes, there is something really important I need to tell you about journal. Well, it's not important, but it's sort of bothering me and I am feeling quite confused but yet have butterflies about it and am feeling weird about it because it is something that has not happened to me since Benjamin, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html meaning, that yes I do like people from time to time and yes every now and then I find someone attractive and all that good stuff, but this one, this one is a bit different. Actually, there is a bit of history behind it so let me start there.
Once upon a time, there lived a princess named Jazzy. Jazzy was super duper awesome! she was smart, funny, cute and really really crazy. Non the less, even with her craziness, she still managed to live her daily life as normal as humanly possible, it was her secret that she was completely insane and therefore, she had to act each day as if she was a sane individual....... Ok ok... I am joking journal, there is no fairytale although I do hope to write my own one day. But seriously, let me tell you what happened. I know that I always tell you how I meet all these awesome people on line and how I will go on dates with some, and how I have developed feelings for a few people, maybe not like IN LOVE like how I felt for Benjamin, remember him? but like people that have been really special and meaningful and have left my life and taught me valuable lessons.
This one, journal, the one I am about to tell you about, this one is 100% REAL! meaning, live and direct and right in my path, like in my home almost literally! I will explain. Nearly 2 years ago, I moved to this awesome apartment that I absolutely love in Brooklyn. When I first moved there, I was either leaving or coming into my building and as I was doing so, THERE HE WAS! this tall, maybe about 5 foot 10 maybe 11 inch guy, thin, with a dark shadow beard a thin nose, short hair and the best set of lips you can ever imagine! When I saw him, the first thing that came to my mind was OH MY GOD! JUST MY TYPE! YUM! I could suck on his............LIPS! oh my goodness journal, did you just think I was thinking something else??? WOW! I would NEVER..... write about that to you! I have another journal for that! ok, so back to me and him and his sexy lips. After I saw him and that thought quickly crossed my mind, I would always see him and I can't remember why, but we would just always say hello. Nothing crazy, nothing for me to write about, just hi. I would barely ever see him and if I would, he never looked at me any certain way and what I mean by that is he never gave me that "look" like the look of attraction, like I could tell he wasn't thinking about sucking my lips. I never thought about it much but then one day, I am walking out and he is walking with this short Asian chick and when I saw that I thought to myself, OH! NO WONDER! UGH! why do they always like the short Asian chicks? and of course I looked at her up and down and decided she had nothing on me and thought to myself, well, now I know why he doesn't pay me any mind, he is happy and in love.
Time passed and I would randomly see him, and then out of no where, it turned out that we would take the train in the morning at the same time, so I started to see him at the same time every morning. When I would see him, he would never see me, it seemed as if he was always in his own world. From a far however on the same platform, I would look at him and think, NOW THAT'S THE KIND OF GUY I LIKE, man, he is soooo damn cute! honestly, to the average person, he is probably just an average guy, but, I am like I have said before, attracted to the weirdest people, I find things attractive that others would be like WHAT THE FUCK! so I don't know, let's just say that in my eyes, since I am crushing over him, he is EXTREMELY HANDSOME!
The other morning, and this is kind of wrong, but I needed to do this, because I just absolutely had to find out, additionally, it was totally random and not malicious at least not on my behalf, but the other morning, as I am about to walk out of my building, I see a shadow coming down the stairs, the funny thing is, that for some reason I just felt like OMG, that's him! yet I just saw a quick shadow, but I looked back and it was him and I got so nervous, which is so unlike me, but I got so nervous that I kept thinking what to do what to do??? like I needed to stall in order to give him enough time to catch up. So I sort of held the door but then realized that, that was way to obvious, so I walked out but walked EXTREMELY slow, making it appear that he was catching up to me just by "ACCIDENT" WELL! he catches up and says hey! good morning how are you? and I'm like hey how are you! I couldn't control the smile on my face that was as they say, from ear to ear, so I say good morning and we start talking and I am like, oh yeah, I saw you last time with your girlfriend and he's like, my girlfriend? I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! and I'm like you don't? OH I saw you with an Asian girl and when I said that, he kind of avoided the whole topic and his expression said it all, and what it basically said was....... that is a soar topic! So I just continued to play it off and the conversation continued and we walked two blocks to the train and of course I get there and realize I had to buy my ticket to get on the train, FUCK! so I tell him to go on without me, so he says good bye, but then check it out what happened next!
I buy my ticket I go through the turnstile at the train station and guess who's standing there waiting for me???? IT WAS HIM! WOOO HOOOO! I was like OMG! he waited hahaha... so he looks at me and says, guess what? your good, you made it. So we both smile and walk down the stairs still much involved in the conversation. So here is what we talked about. He wanted to know EVERYTHING ABOUT ME! he officially introduced himself and shook my hand and asked me about myself, where I worked, what I did, when I mentioned my kids, he asked how old they were, and even said, I wonder if I have ever seen them? we talked about his work, he talked about the building what he liked disliked about it, and of course, I casually mentioned I was single! YES I DID! all I know is that I think I might of seen some sparks at some point, but then again the sparks might have been the excitement and nerves inside of me and my mind in disbelief that I was talking to the guy I have had a crush on unknowingly for over a year probably. Additionally, I couldn't believe how much he wanted to talk to me and know so much about me, I kept thinking wow! you sure do seem interested in knowing stuff about me, for a guy who barely noticed me before (because maybe he was in love) you sure do want to know alot!
I don't know! but this feeling is pretty fun! I feel like a young HS girl who wants to get pretty to go to school everyday, in case she sees the boy she likes! I LOVE THAT FEELING! so much fun! I guess only time will tell......
STAY TUNED JOURNAL! AS THIS STORY DEVELOPS!
Saturday, July 7, 2012
My Boyfriend Tim
Ok, so I know that I have said that I have not had a boyfriend in like forever and the other day I wrote about AJ who I was falling in love with http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html and I wrote about how I had never met him in person and how I had this strong emotional bond and strange virtual I guess is the right term for it, relationship with him, but AJ and I although we both had agreed that we wanted to be more then just friends, had not officially called each other a couple because I wasn't comfortable with that term if the person I call my man, is not someone I actually see and have a sexual relationship with.
But, there is someone I have never written about on my blog and the reason why I had not done so, was because I tend to hold off on certain things because their is a sensitivity issue that I always have to keep in mind. Meaning, that my blog all of a sudden has become a journal of real time events things that are currently going on in my life and I don't know how I feel about this. My journal was intended to be about past stories, and at first that is what I was doing, but all of a sudden I found myself writing things that happened to me not long ago or not long enough ago to really post. However, there are still things that I hold back from telling, because I quite honestly have no clue as to who reads my journal and I don't want to write about someone that I am having some sort of virtual or real life relationship with and then, they read it and take it out of context. I notice that people that know that I have written about them, won't say anything to me about it and so I am not sure that it is fair to someone, that I write about him and then they find out and not feel comfortable with it. Although I never write any names, it's still something personal maybe to them, but to me, although it is also very personal, I decided to be true to my journal and write on here, the true events of my past and present and hope that I don't offend or hurt anyone, with what I write.
Back in October of 2011, I didn't only meet AJ, I also met someone else by the name of Tim. Tim sent me an email on Tagged and he and I became really cool friends. When Tim wrote me, I found him very attractive but I didn't feel any sort of romantic anything for him. I thought he was just really cool to talk to and actually, I would often talk to him about AJ and what was going on between us. Tim in turn, would tell me about his then girlfriend, who was someone he was dating where he was stationed in the Navy. Tim was abroad in Asia and getting to know him as an individual was a true pleasure. He would randomly message me and sometimes we would talk on the phone. One day, he asked me if I had Skype, I never video chat with anyone, because although it appears as though I don't have an actual outside of the virtual world a "real life" I do have quite the life, my life entails lots of school work, lots of time with my children and of course my work life which is how I survive. I do go out with friends when I can and yes although I have a few virtual friends that I am in touch with and have never met, I also have some that I have went out on a date with or just hung out with and for whatever reason there is no romantic chemistry and we are just friends. But with Tim, it was a bit different, he asked me once if I had skype and because I didn't, I created an account so that I could meet my friend who was serving our country and I had this tremendous admiration and love for. So I got a skype account and one day, we spoke on there.
When this happened, I was no longer talking to AJ, I had stopped talking to him and I was suffering from a bit of a broken heart, Tim and I got on Skype and my initial thought upon seeing him on camera was. OH WOW! he's really hot! we began to talk about everything, he and I could have conversations about literally any subject at all. We spoke about sex, but in a very technical way, he knew that I did not see him in a romantic way, so he was always very respectful, being his friend and being able to tell him all my dirt was really awesome, likewise, he would tell me all about the girls he would date, who he loved, what he was going through, etc. One day, he told me that he couldn't keep to himself anymore how he felt about me and he expressed to me that he wanted to be my boyfriend. I will admit I was not shocked, because I sort of knew that he had romantic feelings for me, although I used to always tell him that I only saw him as a friend. However, because I had, had the opportunity to get to know him at that point for like 4 months, when he told me finally how he felt and since I was single and no longer talking to AJ, I decided that he was really awesome and that I wanted to give myself a chance to be with someone truly nice that was showing me all the things a man shows a woman when he truly likes her.
He asked me if I would be his girlfriend and I told him I would under one condition, the condition was that we could have an open relationship. We both agreed that because he was in the military in another continent, it wasn't fair for either of us to not be able to I guess take care of our human needs if the need aroused, I told him that I understood that he was a man and he had needs and he told me that he understood that I was a woman in my prime and I also had them, we began to have a relationship and here is what happened.
I felt sick like throwing up, I felt like I was hyperventilating, I would often have to control myself because I would get that feeling like I needed to run away and would control myself from telling him to disappear due to my commitment fear. But I would breath deep and control myself and my anxiety, I had decided that I was ready to be someone's girlfriend and I was going to force myself. We both got this free texting app that we were able to txt each other everyday, we would skype like twice a week and it was going the way a relationship is supposed to go, I guess. I felt awkward though and a bit fake though, because in my heart, this whole thing was not real, in my heart I could not stop thinking about AJ and deep inside I missed being just Tim's friend. I liked him so much because he was so awesome, but I didn't feel it, that romantic feeling that I require in order to truly commit to someone.
To me, commitment is not a chore, commitment is a feeling. When I commit to someone, I don't do it with words, I just begin to feel that way about the person and even if we don't say it, or even if that person isn't giving me the same, I just begin to feel that sense of belonging, that sense that no one else in the world will do. I am afraid that, I did not feel that sense of belonging with Tim, I just felt like he was my friend and someone I had given my word to that I would be his lady and therefore I had to respect him, because he was my boyfriend. I told my family about him and my kids and he we had discussed me going to Asia to visit him and just all sorts of possibilities on how we would be meeting. He is originally from NY so we had discussed what sort of jobs he wanted when he came home and even talked about moving, because he said he would do anything to make me happy, even moving away if that is what I wanted. God he was such an awesome man! as I write this, I feel so sad that I might of hurt him, yet I don't really know if I did.
What happened was that one day he told me, that he know that I probably wanted us to link our FB page and be in a relationship on there, but that he was waiting for the right time because he wanted to tell his parents about me and for me to meet them and go with my kids to his parents house. When he told me this, inside I freaked out even more! I kept feeling like I couldn't breath when that thought would cross my mind. Actually, typing that last phrase made me feel a little sick, it wasn't that he wasn't worth it, it's just that I didn't feel that way in my heart and I didn't feel ready for any of that stuff. I told him I didn't care if our pages were linked and that he could take his time telling his parents. What I did not tell him, was that I didn't have the intention to ever really meet anyone because this whole ordeal seemed fake to me. One day, I went on his page where I met him which was Tagged and I don't know there was something on there that annoyed me and I said something to him about it and that is where our drama began, but it wasn't really any drama, it was me, making a reason to stop talking to him because I wasn't ready to give him what he wanted. I also, had this huge trust issue that I could not let go of, even though I had known him for a few months as a friend and knew all his dirt and vice versa, I couldn't allow myself to completely trust. Also, I knew in my heart who I had true romantic feelings for but I wanted to to forget him and give someone awesome a chance. God I hate that! I hate when the really good ones, the ones you know in your heart are a good catch are the ones we don't want. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM????
Anyway, I went away to my country on vacation while he and I were together and while I was there, I saw someone who I had a romantic tie to in the past and well, he and I you know, were intimate. After doing that, even though Tim and I had said we would have an open relationship, I felt like I had cheated on my boyfriend who did not deserve that and I used the excuse of the social network site to break things off with him. At that point I did not really do it on purpose, meaning I didn't even realize that I was using that as an excuse until just now when I wrote this. Meaning, I had to find a reason to break things off with him, and blame him for my wrong doing although I technically had not done anything wrong because he and I had an agreement to have an open relationship, I just don't feel that I was really capable to have an open relationship and sleep with someone else while you are my boyfriend.
The day I choose to commit to someone, I will be loyal to them with my thoughts, my heart, my body and my soul. That is a true commitment that is real and that is the only way I will do it. I am not a young girl that can call someone my boyfriend but then behind his back talk to other men and sleep with someone else or flirt or any of that. When I love someone, I develop the upmost loyalty for that person, I don't see anyone else as attractive, I don't think of anyone else, I am with that person, mind, body and soul, that's just how I am.
I broke things off with him and told him we could not even be friends. I did that, because I knew that being friends would be difficult for him and I. I wanted to let him go, so that he could be happy with someone who truly deserved him, I did not. He is such an absolute catch! I swear that these things only happen to me! but how can I control my heart when it does whatever it wants to! I cannot force myself to feel what I do not and I will not be unfair to someone based on me being selfish. I did not see him in that way, and therefore I set him free so that someone who is worthy of him, can have that opportunity. I think of him all the time because he was my friend first and I got to know him as such, but we have not spoken since February.
For the first time this morning I went on his Facebook page, to see his picture, I took him off my friends list because I felt that I needed to completely cut him off of my life so that we could both move on. I wasn't able to be his friend because I felt like If I continued to be, it would not be healthy for either of us. I felt pressured by him and I also still had these strong feelings for AJ and just wanted to take time away from people. When I went on his page this morning, I felt sad, because I miss my friend Tim, but I think it's best to let the wounds fully heal before I reach out to him. I do not know if I hurt him or if all the things he told me were lies, but I was always honest with him until I broke things off with the pre-tense of some nonsense on an internet website which was really stupid. I wonder how he is doing, I hope he is well. I hope he didn't go back to his ex girlfriend who completely took advantage of his kindness and generosity. He is such an amazing man, why couldn't my heart feel, what my head thought?
I don't know, I just feel that the time is not now for me to be in a commitment, I have this feeling that one day when I least expect it, when I am done with all the things that I have on my agenda, then and only then, will it be right and so in the meantime, I will not use or lie or pretend that I am capable of giving anyone anything that I cannot. I feel lonely sometimes, of course I do, but I rather feel lonely, than to be with someone and it all be a lie, it all be a lie in my heart. I may be able to go on my blog and make up some story and lie to the world (which I don't ever do) but I cannot and will not lie to myself.
Quote: "I am naked before you, yet you have never seen my naked body"
Author: Jazzy
But, there is someone I have never written about on my blog and the reason why I had not done so, was because I tend to hold off on certain things because their is a sensitivity issue that I always have to keep in mind. Meaning, that my blog all of a sudden has become a journal of real time events things that are currently going on in my life and I don't know how I feel about this. My journal was intended to be about past stories, and at first that is what I was doing, but all of a sudden I found myself writing things that happened to me not long ago or not long enough ago to really post. However, there are still things that I hold back from telling, because I quite honestly have no clue as to who reads my journal and I don't want to write about someone that I am having some sort of virtual or real life relationship with and then, they read it and take it out of context. I notice that people that know that I have written about them, won't say anything to me about it and so I am not sure that it is fair to someone, that I write about him and then they find out and not feel comfortable with it. Although I never write any names, it's still something personal maybe to them, but to me, although it is also very personal, I decided to be true to my journal and write on here, the true events of my past and present and hope that I don't offend or hurt anyone, with what I write.
Back in October of 2011, I didn't only meet AJ, I also met someone else by the name of Tim. Tim sent me an email on Tagged and he and I became really cool friends. When Tim wrote me, I found him very attractive but I didn't feel any sort of romantic anything for him. I thought he was just really cool to talk to and actually, I would often talk to him about AJ and what was going on between us. Tim in turn, would tell me about his then girlfriend, who was someone he was dating where he was stationed in the Navy. Tim was abroad in Asia and getting to know him as an individual was a true pleasure. He would randomly message me and sometimes we would talk on the phone. One day, he asked me if I had Skype, I never video chat with anyone, because although it appears as though I don't have an actual outside of the virtual world a "real life" I do have quite the life, my life entails lots of school work, lots of time with my children and of course my work life which is how I survive. I do go out with friends when I can and yes although I have a few virtual friends that I am in touch with and have never met, I also have some that I have went out on a date with or just hung out with and for whatever reason there is no romantic chemistry and we are just friends. But with Tim, it was a bit different, he asked me once if I had skype and because I didn't, I created an account so that I could meet my friend who was serving our country and I had this tremendous admiration and love for. So I got a skype account and one day, we spoke on there.
When this happened, I was no longer talking to AJ, I had stopped talking to him and I was suffering from a bit of a broken heart, Tim and I got on Skype and my initial thought upon seeing him on camera was. OH WOW! he's really hot! we began to talk about everything, he and I could have conversations about literally any subject at all. We spoke about sex, but in a very technical way, he knew that I did not see him in a romantic way, so he was always very respectful, being his friend and being able to tell him all my dirt was really awesome, likewise, he would tell me all about the girls he would date, who he loved, what he was going through, etc. One day, he told me that he couldn't keep to himself anymore how he felt about me and he expressed to me that he wanted to be my boyfriend. I will admit I was not shocked, because I sort of knew that he had romantic feelings for me, although I used to always tell him that I only saw him as a friend. However, because I had, had the opportunity to get to know him at that point for like 4 months, when he told me finally how he felt and since I was single and no longer talking to AJ, I decided that he was really awesome and that I wanted to give myself a chance to be with someone truly nice that was showing me all the things a man shows a woman when he truly likes her.
He asked me if I would be his girlfriend and I told him I would under one condition, the condition was that we could have an open relationship. We both agreed that because he was in the military in another continent, it wasn't fair for either of us to not be able to I guess take care of our human needs if the need aroused, I told him that I understood that he was a man and he had needs and he told me that he understood that I was a woman in my prime and I also had them, we began to have a relationship and here is what happened.
I felt sick like throwing up, I felt like I was hyperventilating, I would often have to control myself because I would get that feeling like I needed to run away and would control myself from telling him to disappear due to my commitment fear. But I would breath deep and control myself and my anxiety, I had decided that I was ready to be someone's girlfriend and I was going to force myself. We both got this free texting app that we were able to txt each other everyday, we would skype like twice a week and it was going the way a relationship is supposed to go, I guess. I felt awkward though and a bit fake though, because in my heart, this whole thing was not real, in my heart I could not stop thinking about AJ and deep inside I missed being just Tim's friend. I liked him so much because he was so awesome, but I didn't feel it, that romantic feeling that I require in order to truly commit to someone.
To me, commitment is not a chore, commitment is a feeling. When I commit to someone, I don't do it with words, I just begin to feel that way about the person and even if we don't say it, or even if that person isn't giving me the same, I just begin to feel that sense of belonging, that sense that no one else in the world will do. I am afraid that, I did not feel that sense of belonging with Tim, I just felt like he was my friend and someone I had given my word to that I would be his lady and therefore I had to respect him, because he was my boyfriend. I told my family about him and my kids and he we had discussed me going to Asia to visit him and just all sorts of possibilities on how we would be meeting. He is originally from NY so we had discussed what sort of jobs he wanted when he came home and even talked about moving, because he said he would do anything to make me happy, even moving away if that is what I wanted. God he was such an awesome man! as I write this, I feel so sad that I might of hurt him, yet I don't really know if I did.
What happened was that one day he told me, that he know that I probably wanted us to link our FB page and be in a relationship on there, but that he was waiting for the right time because he wanted to tell his parents about me and for me to meet them and go with my kids to his parents house. When he told me this, inside I freaked out even more! I kept feeling like I couldn't breath when that thought would cross my mind. Actually, typing that last phrase made me feel a little sick, it wasn't that he wasn't worth it, it's just that I didn't feel that way in my heart and I didn't feel ready for any of that stuff. I told him I didn't care if our pages were linked and that he could take his time telling his parents. What I did not tell him, was that I didn't have the intention to ever really meet anyone because this whole ordeal seemed fake to me. One day, I went on his page where I met him which was Tagged and I don't know there was something on there that annoyed me and I said something to him about it and that is where our drama began, but it wasn't really any drama, it was me, making a reason to stop talking to him because I wasn't ready to give him what he wanted. I also, had this huge trust issue that I could not let go of, even though I had known him for a few months as a friend and knew all his dirt and vice versa, I couldn't allow myself to completely trust. Also, I knew in my heart who I had true romantic feelings for but I wanted to to forget him and give someone awesome a chance. God I hate that! I hate when the really good ones, the ones you know in your heart are a good catch are the ones we don't want. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM????
Anyway, I went away to my country on vacation while he and I were together and while I was there, I saw someone who I had a romantic tie to in the past and well, he and I you know, were intimate. After doing that, even though Tim and I had said we would have an open relationship, I felt like I had cheated on my boyfriend who did not deserve that and I used the excuse of the social network site to break things off with him. At that point I did not really do it on purpose, meaning I didn't even realize that I was using that as an excuse until just now when I wrote this. Meaning, I had to find a reason to break things off with him, and blame him for my wrong doing although I technically had not done anything wrong because he and I had an agreement to have an open relationship, I just don't feel that I was really capable to have an open relationship and sleep with someone else while you are my boyfriend.
The day I choose to commit to someone, I will be loyal to them with my thoughts, my heart, my body and my soul. That is a true commitment that is real and that is the only way I will do it. I am not a young girl that can call someone my boyfriend but then behind his back talk to other men and sleep with someone else or flirt or any of that. When I love someone, I develop the upmost loyalty for that person, I don't see anyone else as attractive, I don't think of anyone else, I am with that person, mind, body and soul, that's just how I am.
I broke things off with him and told him we could not even be friends. I did that, because I knew that being friends would be difficult for him and I. I wanted to let him go, so that he could be happy with someone who truly deserved him, I did not. He is such an absolute catch! I swear that these things only happen to me! but how can I control my heart when it does whatever it wants to! I cannot force myself to feel what I do not and I will not be unfair to someone based on me being selfish. I did not see him in that way, and therefore I set him free so that someone who is worthy of him, can have that opportunity. I think of him all the time because he was my friend first and I got to know him as such, but we have not spoken since February.
For the first time this morning I went on his Facebook page, to see his picture, I took him off my friends list because I felt that I needed to completely cut him off of my life so that we could both move on. I wasn't able to be his friend because I felt like If I continued to be, it would not be healthy for either of us. I felt pressured by him and I also still had these strong feelings for AJ and just wanted to take time away from people. When I went on his page this morning, I felt sad, because I miss my friend Tim, but I think it's best to let the wounds fully heal before I reach out to him. I do not know if I hurt him or if all the things he told me were lies, but I was always honest with him until I broke things off with the pre-tense of some nonsense on an internet website which was really stupid. I wonder how he is doing, I hope he is well. I hope he didn't go back to his ex girlfriend who completely took advantage of his kindness and generosity. He is such an amazing man, why couldn't my heart feel, what my head thought?
I don't know, I just feel that the time is not now for me to be in a commitment, I have this feeling that one day when I least expect it, when I am done with all the things that I have on my agenda, then and only then, will it be right and so in the meantime, I will not use or lie or pretend that I am capable of giving anyone anything that I cannot. I feel lonely sometimes, of course I do, but I rather feel lonely, than to be with someone and it all be a lie, it all be a lie in my heart. I may be able to go on my blog and make up some story and lie to the world (which I don't ever do) but I cannot and will not lie to myself.
Quote: "I am naked before you, yet you have never seen my naked body"
Author: Jazzy
Thursday, July 5, 2012
PORN....
One of the biggest challenges of my life to date, is being a single mom to two boys. Man, it is tough trying to explain to a boy, that masturbating is perfectly natural, doing it with a straight face and acting like you know what it's like, when you have absolutely no idea what the hell you are talking about! THAT SHIT IS CRAZY! It sure was! but I did it and I think I did ok. I mean, I had to do it, because the last thing I wanted was for my child to go to some one on the street or someone they thought they trusted and had conversations with them about sex. To me, it was important that my boys and in the future girl, is comfortable talking to me about any subject, sex included.
Of course after I had that conversation with my oldest and he looked at me like yeah ok mom whatever you say, I had to call my cousin and ask him what a boy felt the first time he did that. And, his and all my other male friends answer to that question was always the same, they said. That shit felt good and I wanted to keep doing it! THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THAT ANSWER! which helped me very little. It is very important in my opinion, to be honest and open with your kids about things in life that are real and that are hard to hide from them. I have always been one of those parents which other parents probably talk bad about and judge, because I don't shelter my kids from the realities of the world. There is NO such thing as a fairy tale story, and therefore, I am not going to sugar coat the world for them so that they can go around thinking that everything is so wonderful. Life is tough and they need to understand it. There is good and there is bad and they need to know that.
So, the other day when I heard my youngest son saying something absolutely obnoxious about a woman, I could not believe my ears and as I was driving on a highway doing nearly 80 miles an hour feeling a bit grossed out and in disbelief, I had to sit there and not lie, but sort of sugar coat some stuff, because I didn't want my kid to go around thinking that whatever he sees on a porn video, that he shouldn't be watching but probably has behind my back, is not how sex really is. At least not for the most part.
Now I am no sexual expert although I am highly considering making sexology my concentration when I get into my post grad studies, but I have had sex, I have watched porn and I have talked about this topic with hundreds of people. What my son said, which I don't remember exactly what his words were, was something that sounded like something he had seen on a porn clip and I had to tell my son, that the way things seem in a porn movie, is not how it really works with a woman.
Sometimes I get annoyed at the fact that porno, gives women this obligation that we are the ones that are supposed to be doing all these things to "please a man" porno is obviously tailored for men, but it's very upsetting that this is what young boys watch and then they grow up thinking that women really do all these things. I am not saying that some don't and or that they won't, but for the most part, I don't believe that the majority of women will.
I don't want to really get into technicalities here about what I am referring to, because this is not a topic that I want to get into too much detail about, on my PG13 blog. But, I have to admit that porno is highly influential, it has influenced me and I am not a teenager, I 'm a grown woman. So, imagine what it does to a mind of a young man? or young woman? sometimes I have found myself thinking, well, why not do that? and, I don't even watch porn regularly, actually, I didn't watch porn until I was like 37 years old, because before then I felt very uncomfortable about my sexuality and sex and porn and all sex things in general, but once I became interested in the human mind and when I started to try to understand myself and all the different branches of psychology and all the things women go through including myself when it comes to hormones and getting older and feeling a certain way without wanting to, I went on a site and I watched one and then I just randomly have seen some videos and for the most part I am like WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING?? I couldn't do that! WOW! some of these women are like super women in bed, it kind of makes me nervous, to think that men out there in the world have these expectations that are highly unlikely. Most of the time women won't succumb to most of the things on these movies.
Sometimes I get annoyed at the fact that porno, gives women this obligation that we are the ones that are supposed to be doing all these things to "please a man" porno is obviously tailored for men, but it's very upsetting that this is what young boys watch and then they grow up thinking that women really do all these things. I am not saying that some don't and or that they won't, but for the most part, I don't believe that the majority of women will.
I don't want to really get into technicalities here about what I am referring to, because this is not a topic that I want to get into too much detail about, on my PG13 blog. But, I have to admit that porno is highly influential, it has influenced me and I am not a teenager, I 'm a grown woman. So, imagine what it does to a mind of a young man? or young woman? sometimes I have found myself thinking, well, why not do that? and, I don't even watch porn regularly, actually, I didn't watch porn until I was like 37 years old, because before then I felt very uncomfortable about my sexuality and sex and porn and all sex things in general, but once I became interested in the human mind and when I started to try to understand myself and all the different branches of psychology and all the things women go through including myself when it comes to hormones and getting older and feeling a certain way without wanting to, I went on a site and I watched one and then I just randomly have seen some videos and for the most part I am like WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING?? I couldn't do that! WOW! some of these women are like super women in bed, it kind of makes me nervous, to think that men out there in the world have these expectations that are highly unlikely. Most of the time women won't succumb to most of the things on these movies.
Anyway, I am not even sure why I thought to write about this topic when I have absolutely no clue about it other than the fact that I know EVERYONE wants to have sex or feels the need to have sex and that sex is a natural human desire that we have even when we are very small. A fact I know to be true is that girls begin to masturbate when they are about 3 to 4 years old unknowingly, girls touch themselves and feel a certain way and that is a natural thing that they go through without knowing, it is innocent and natural. Likewise, boys go through the same thing, they explore their genitals at a very young age, so we all want sex, it's part of being human. So, I guess I wanted to put this on here to maybe clear my own thoughts and I don't know, open up the topic about it on my blog because if I do decide to go the route of sexology, I want to be able to write about it comfortably.
I just want to ask anyone that comes across my blog and reads this post, that just because someone is promiscuous and or has certain sexual desires that are not the same as your own, it doesn't necessarily give anyone the right to call them names or think badly of them or any of that. Before you go around judging people based on their sexual preferences, look at yourself first and ask yourself if you are a perfect human being, if you say yes, then go ahead judge. Just because someone is a certain way, it doesn't give any one the right to call that person names. Just because I like sex, want to have sex and enjoy talking about sex, doesn't mean that I am comfortable with someone calling me a MILF, because I want to be liked for who I am, not for what my sexual preferences may be. So please, watch your words when referring to a woman.
HAD TO PUT THIS SONG TO ACCOMPANY THIS BLOG POST... LOVE IT!
Madonna - Like a virgin!
Monday, July 2, 2012
Dear Journal: A little hearbreak
Dear Journal:
I have been feeling very sad lately and been doing a lot of crying myself to sleep. I miss AJ, I miss him so desperately and I feel like I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I understand that he is gone and I understand that there is nothing that I can do about it, but I also can't help what I feel. I meet so many awesome people all of the time, but no matter who it is, it's not him so it doesn't fill the emptiness that I feel inside.
I can't wait until I start my classes again, while I am in school, I am too busy to think about anything. I kind of like someone I hung out with the other day, but he is going through his own thing and I just don't feel that neither one of us is in the right frame of mind to start anything. I don't know what to do anymore! part of me wants to just run somewhere to a top of a mountain and just stay there and relax and the other part of me wants to be the cold hearted person that I act to be but am really not. My ex husband told me the other day that I am such a bitch, I don't mean to be. He told me that he didn't understand why I wasn't with anyone? why didn't I have a boyfriend? My response was that I didn't want to go through what I had gone through with him with anyone else. I told him that he had messed me up emotionally followed by Mr. Benjamin Nunez http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html going in for the kill and just ruining me. He looked at me and told me that he couldn't believe that I had allowed myself to fall for Benjamin the way I had and I told him that the reason why that had happened, was because with Benjamin it had been perfect, meaning that in my mind, falling in love with him had been the way I imagine falling in love should be like. But then again, how does one know what's the right way to fall in love? I don't know! And I honestly today just don't give a damn!
But I don't feel that way about Benjamin anymore I don't think, although I did break down a few weeks ago when I saw some pictures online that he had posted of his vacation that he had been to. May I just say dear journal that, that man NEVER EVER since I have known him which will be 5 years in October, NEVER EVER! had posted pictures of scenic views and all of a sudden, there they were, pictures of beautiful mountains and trees and lakes. I WAS FURIOUS! please journal do not judge me for what I am about to say, but I seriously think I am loosing my mind, no really I am, when I saw them, I felt like he was saying to me, IN YOUR FACE! or, look Jazzy, I love nature just as much as you do! I was so devastated and I know that, it is selfish and crazy that I would even think this way, but I cried myself to sleep that night thinking about the fact that this person who I have loved for so long, had finally been on vacation somewhere, where I would of loved to have been with him and proceeded to put the pictures IN MY FACE! And then I kept thinking OMG! what has come over me, I must be really lonely, to think that he has even one free moment to sit around and think of hurting me, when he is actually just having a great time with his new girlfriend and just posting pictures of the beautiful scenery with no girlfriend in them, just pictures of the mountains! that is so strange how all of a sudden someone who has NEVER EVER done that before, is doing the same EXACT thing I have always done. But whatever! I refuse to continue to make up crazy stories in my mind about him. I blame it all on my creative imagination and I should just use my creative juices to write a novel!
I will always and forever probably love him in a very special way, of this I am sure. But I sincerely feel that I was falling in love with AJ and was to blind and to scared and to stupid to just let it happen, well, no point in dwelling on that I guess. He's gone and that's that! but I hate when I feel this lingering sadness over me, it's really annoying and then there are all these other people that want a little piece of me and I am just like OMG! leave me alone! I just want to be left alone. I need some time for healing. I just can't hop from person to person pretending that there is nothing going on inside of me, yet I cannot help but to keep thinking about the guy I went out with the other day, we had a great time, there were so many things about him I liked, most especially his sexy lips that I enjoyed kissing.
I don't know journal, maybe I am just feeling lonely lately and in need of love, I mean I have been single nearly five years now, that's an awefully long time. Maybe it's time that I allow the opportunity to have something more meaningful in my life. But I don't know, I absolutely enjoy being free and single it's soooo much fun! although when I was talking to AJ last, I was so ready to give it all up to be with him. I guess, being with someone is not something you plan, rather, it's something that just happens, it should be normal and in my mind if it doesn't feel normal it can't happen. I also have no sort of life really. I mean I am always so busy doing something, it's so exhausting at times. I need a vacation, like a real vacation, like the vacation I took last October to Costa Rica and just laid around near the beach and watched all the surfers surfing, BUNCH OF HOTTIES WITH THEIR SEXY BODIES! that was CRAZY! and I was such a goodie goodie! I just watched and then went to my room! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING! I was scared though, I was in a different country and I can't go around acting crazy and like a young girl, I have my children to think about. It was awesome though just to be away and think, relax, study and watch hotties in wet suits! damn! I just got a smile on my face!
Good night journal.
I have been feeling very sad lately and been doing a lot of crying myself to sleep. I miss AJ, I miss him so desperately and I feel like I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I understand that he is gone and I understand that there is nothing that I can do about it, but I also can't help what I feel. I meet so many awesome people all of the time, but no matter who it is, it's not him so it doesn't fill the emptiness that I feel inside.
I can't wait until I start my classes again, while I am in school, I am too busy to think about anything. I kind of like someone I hung out with the other day, but he is going through his own thing and I just don't feel that neither one of us is in the right frame of mind to start anything. I don't know what to do anymore! part of me wants to just run somewhere to a top of a mountain and just stay there and relax and the other part of me wants to be the cold hearted person that I act to be but am really not. My ex husband told me the other day that I am such a bitch, I don't mean to be. He told me that he didn't understand why I wasn't with anyone? why didn't I have a boyfriend? My response was that I didn't want to go through what I had gone through with him with anyone else. I told him that he had messed me up emotionally followed by Mr. Benjamin Nunez http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html going in for the kill and just ruining me. He looked at me and told me that he couldn't believe that I had allowed myself to fall for Benjamin the way I had and I told him that the reason why that had happened, was because with Benjamin it had been perfect, meaning that in my mind, falling in love with him had been the way I imagine falling in love should be like. But then again, how does one know what's the right way to fall in love? I don't know! And I honestly today just don't give a damn!
But I don't feel that way about Benjamin anymore I don't think, although I did break down a few weeks ago when I saw some pictures online that he had posted of his vacation that he had been to. May I just say dear journal that, that man NEVER EVER since I have known him which will be 5 years in October, NEVER EVER! had posted pictures of scenic views and all of a sudden, there they were, pictures of beautiful mountains and trees and lakes. I WAS FURIOUS! please journal do not judge me for what I am about to say, but I seriously think I am loosing my mind, no really I am, when I saw them, I felt like he was saying to me, IN YOUR FACE! or, look Jazzy, I love nature just as much as you do! I was so devastated and I know that, it is selfish and crazy that I would even think this way, but I cried myself to sleep that night thinking about the fact that this person who I have loved for so long, had finally been on vacation somewhere, where I would of loved to have been with him and proceeded to put the pictures IN MY FACE! And then I kept thinking OMG! what has come over me, I must be really lonely, to think that he has even one free moment to sit around and think of hurting me, when he is actually just having a great time with his new girlfriend and just posting pictures of the beautiful scenery with no girlfriend in them, just pictures of the mountains! that is so strange how all of a sudden someone who has NEVER EVER done that before, is doing the same EXACT thing I have always done. But whatever! I refuse to continue to make up crazy stories in my mind about him. I blame it all on my creative imagination and I should just use my creative juices to write a novel!
I will always and forever probably love him in a very special way, of this I am sure. But I sincerely feel that I was falling in love with AJ and was to blind and to scared and to stupid to just let it happen, well, no point in dwelling on that I guess. He's gone and that's that! but I hate when I feel this lingering sadness over me, it's really annoying and then there are all these other people that want a little piece of me and I am just like OMG! leave me alone! I just want to be left alone. I need some time for healing. I just can't hop from person to person pretending that there is nothing going on inside of me, yet I cannot help but to keep thinking about the guy I went out with the other day, we had a great time, there were so many things about him I liked, most especially his sexy lips that I enjoyed kissing.
I don't know journal, maybe I am just feeling lonely lately and in need of love, I mean I have been single nearly five years now, that's an awefully long time. Maybe it's time that I allow the opportunity to have something more meaningful in my life. But I don't know, I absolutely enjoy being free and single it's soooo much fun! although when I was talking to AJ last, I was so ready to give it all up to be with him. I guess, being with someone is not something you plan, rather, it's something that just happens, it should be normal and in my mind if it doesn't feel normal it can't happen. I also have no sort of life really. I mean I am always so busy doing something, it's so exhausting at times. I need a vacation, like a real vacation, like the vacation I took last October to Costa Rica and just laid around near the beach and watched all the surfers surfing, BUNCH OF HOTTIES WITH THEIR SEXY BODIES! that was CRAZY! and I was such a goodie goodie! I just watched and then went to my room! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING! I was scared though, I was in a different country and I can't go around acting crazy and like a young girl, I have my children to think about. It was awesome though just to be away and think, relax, study and watch hotties in wet suits! damn! I just got a smile on my face!
Good night journal.
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