THE PRESENT..A POEM BY: KRYSTIN MILLER

Dear Journal:

As promised, below is one of the poems one of my classmates wrote as an assignment for our creative writing class.  I also want to post one more that was written by another classmate, but she left class last night before I could ask her.  Can I just say that being around all these young creative individuals is really awesome! I love the fact that they see the world with fresh eyes.  Most of my classmates are probably half my age, yet I truly respect their opinions, some are really passionate about their ideas.  I truly enjoy being around them and being able to learn from them.  Remember journal, everything and everyone in front of us is our teacher!

The Present
By: Krystina Miller

Future, stop playing hard to get.

if i believed in eternity i'd become a wedding planner
speaking of bullshit,
Flowers shouldn't cost so much money.
Nature shouldn't cost so much money.

there's such little color in the city
if i wanted everlasting dark i'd just turn off my Sun
i feel so bad for the shivering Dogs scraping the concrete after they piss

i never wanted my feet fettered in shoes to protect me from the Earth

nor my Beans to be canned


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The Blocked Call

Dear Journal:

I was on a poem mission trying to write some poems for my creative writing class and I came up with a few, actually more than I needed to.  I want to put them all on here, because they mean something special to me.  I found inspiration to write them, by thinking of specific individuals, not always the same person, but rather, different people.  I really enjoyed writing them.  I randomly write poems, because sometimes I am thinking of some random subject and they just come to me, it's a lot of fun.  I hope someone else will read this poem and feel as if they can relate to what I was feeling when I wrote it.  Enjoy!

THE BLOCKED CALL

The words are meaningless if said from a far, so many questions, trying to live this moment but in my mind always you, the morning the sun beaming, the night the moon shinning.  I love you, how? Why is it your laughter that makes me smile.

Today, yesterday, tomorrow, last month, you, you and only you... You give me little to keep me breathing, just enough food to keep me needy, just enough to have me there, I want to get you back for this I fucking swear!

The blocked number you knew it was me, you had to answer it to make sure and see, it filled you also I have a strong hold, what can I do to make you whole? This passion without you, how can it exist, this craving to touch you, to hold you to make you mine, what a burning sensation you make me feel, what anxious craving you make me ill. 

I knew what you would say because I know you, you knew what I would say because you know me too.  I don't understand it I still don't know how, for I am confused what do I do now? please talk to me tell me all, please come back to me and make me whole.

I took this pic from my bedroom window...2-27-12 with my iphone... I love you moon!

Avril Lavigne - I Love You

He turns my frowns into smiles, a smile so true, took away the blue, I didn't care who knew because in my heart it would always be us two.  After all this time, you've finally returned, I never gave up, because it was you that I yearned.  My love for you will stand the test of time, no distance between us will tear us apart, the things that we share are all built on trust,  I can not believe it, it's like a dream coming true, and all that it took was me believing in you.



Avril Lavigne - I Love You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0-omvd2u1s

Is he REAL?....CATFISH

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together. There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you."  ~ Anonymous

Dear Journal - 

The other day, I was talking to my sister telling her how much I missed AJ http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html and how all my plans have been changed and how I might not meet him in person any time soon, or if I ever even will.  I started telling her how I always wanted to do the right thing by him and how I had tried being an understanding person with him and yet he was not acting right with me.  

Then her and I began to talk about the fact that it is so strange that I feel this strong connection to someone I have never seen in person and after I tell her that, she starts telling me that my story sounds like the stories of a show she had been meaning to tell me about called CATFISH (a show on MTV) and tells me that this show, is about exactly what I am going through, it is about people that meet on line, they establish a connection, they fall in love and then sometimes, one of the two ends up being a fraud.  When she told me about that, (I don't watch television, so I did not know about it) I automatically thought holly molly! What if this is the case with me??? of course, I wouldn’t be surprised because honestly, these things only happen to me! like seriously, all sorts of crazy things happen to me because I am an adventurer who is comfortable just trying all sorts of things! So yeah, why wouldn’t it happen to me?

After she told me that, we both said simultaneously... IMAGINE! and then proceeded to make up stories about who he might really be! What if he is the “roof top killer!” (quote from the movie you’ve got mail) what if he is really really gross! what if he is this and what if he is that??? and then all of a sudden it dawned on me, it dawned on me that sometimes in life we can be in a relationship with someone, and over night, they change! Has that ever happened to you? like you are with someone and one day you look at them and you are like…. Who are you? we are in constant motion and therefore we are in constant change, we change because we are supposed to, it’s that simple.  

Sometimes and this has happened to me, you meet someone, you start seeing them, they tell you one thing about themselves and the next thing you know, you start finding out that the things they told you were lies, that they make up stories, that they are fake and then your like, what the hell! So basically, the point I am trying to make here, is that although many people are really judgmental about on line dating, what people don’t seem to realize, is that people can lie to you to your face, people will flip on you in a second, people change, people are people and we have to understand that nothing is perfect and live knowing that we have to trust only in ourselves and that if we give our trust to others and they betray it, it is their loss, you worry about yourself, if they lie, that is on them.  

So, after thinking about the fact that AJ may be a total fraud, I  decided that I still love him the same way, I fell for the idea of the person he acted like he was, if I do meet him one day and he is not that person, I will feel really sad, but not for me, I will feel really sad for him, because that only means that he isn’t well mentally, that he has low self esteem, maybe it means that he has a personality disorder.  Yes, I would still love him even more, I would love him with compassion, I would maybe be very hurt that he lied, but I would forgive him, I would still be there for him if he needed me, I would still want to stay his friend forever like we said we would.

I have not spoken to him now in 22 days, but who is counting and I am not sure if he reads my blog, he knows I have it, but I am not sure if he reads it, but, if he does, I don’t intend on being part of that show CATFISH, because I would feel really strange, but if he reads my journal and he reads this post, I want him to know that I love him no matter who he is and that if he isn’t who he said he was, then I want to help him.  Let me help you be better, tell me what I need to do to help my friend that I love.  Yes, I may even be  in love with him as well, but that is secondary, that is not as important as the love I have for him as a human being, of the love that I know I am supposed to give to all people.  At this point, it doesn’t matter to me anymore because we don’t speak much and our relationship has not been romantic in nature for a really long time.  Regardless however, we both felt a certain closeness, we both shared very intimate thoughts and feelings, he made me want to be better, he made me want to sing, dance, write, draw.  Not many people make me feel those things.  So, if he is not who he says he is, at the end of the day, it was his loss, because I never lied about who I am and therefore, he looses out.

I know that sometimes it appears as though I am all over the place in terms of what I want, who I want.  I am not, I know who I want, I want him, but the circumstances in our lives never allowed that to happen, so, I am only trying to do what I am supposed to do and that is to move on.  In trying to move on, I had asked someone else if we could start some sort of romantic relationship, he said no, so what else am I supposed to do? I must move on.  I am not going to wait around for people anymore the way I once did, I am determined that I will not allow the same thing that happened to me with Benjamin Nunez http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html I got so stuck on him, that I was alone years and years, pushing people away, disrespecting people, disregarding people, disregarding myself and my needs.  I wanted to get over him completely before being with someone else, but what I have learned is, that although you have to give yourself some space to heal, you also have to give others a chance, because that is the only way you can truly let go.  Without meaning to, I gave AJ a chance, I became his friend and the next thing I knew, we both felt all sorts of things, it was amazing and in my heart I know it is real, even if I never saw him.  

Unfortunately, I am going to do something that I never like to, but I am going to keep it moving.  I don't know who I will begin to date, or when, but I do know that I am really looking forward to giving all my time to one special man and although I do not want to get married anytime soon, I can still love someone and give him all this love I have to give, write him poems, songs, sing to him, draw him pictures, surprise him with little gifts, get sexy underwear to look good for him, do all the fun things I know how to do to keep my relationship interesting.  I cannot wait! because I am certain that I am no longer going to feel afraid, I am no longer going to let fear take control of my life.  No, I will not date just anyone and yes, it may take a few tries, but I am no longer going to wait around for anyone, not like I did for Benjamin, Benjamin, who five years later, never came.

So, I hope that one day, I do meet AJ, I hope that he is who he said he was.  But regardless, I am at least happy that I am not afraid to try, to think outside the box, to open up to others, because if nothing else, getting to know him, helped me to truly and finally move on from Benjamin and although it took spending time with a third person to realize that I am missing out on wonderful things by not being involved with someone, at least now I know that I am ready, and that it won't be over night, but that all these things had to happen, for me to be ready, for me to let go of the fear that I had for so long.  I love where I am right now, I love how I feel, It's not a feeling of, I have to be with the first person that comes along, but more like, wow, the sky is the limit as far as men are concerned, like wow, I can actually imagine things with just one person, like wow, this is going to be fun.  I love how everyone has a shot, a fair shot, not like before that I just didn't care.  And although I am not rushing, I am open to this new adventure, I am looking forward to it as well.

Below is the link to the MTV show, the creator had an experience where he met someone that lied, but he loved her so much as a person, that he forgave her and they are still good friends.  We live and we learn.

http://www.mtv.com/shows/catfish/series.jhtml

Personal Letters to SMD

Dear Journal:

I was really angry earlier, but then as I began to think about the situation and decided to deal with it in a loving way, I became happy again and realized that I would not take it personal.  I am currently listening to an audio book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and without even finishing it, I already found value in this amazing book (thank you Benjamin Nunez) he is the one that read and wrote about the book on his blog and the reason why I wanted to read it.  Anyway, this post isn't about the book, but I hope to share some insight about it, the moment I am done reading it, because so far I love it! 

One of the things the book talks about, is how you should be IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD! I have been trying to be impeccable with my word for a long time even before I began listening to this audio book, I have always said, that our word should be our bond, so, because someone did something to me that I felt was very hurtful and I told him that I was going to share that information on my blog, I am left with no choice but to do so.

Below are two letters that I wrote to that individual, who I thought was my friend for the last seven months, he and I were friends before anything else (or so I thought) and because I got to know him enough were I felt that he was someone I could see myself having something special with and someone I trusted, I wrote him the letters below and instead of him a nearly 36 year old man, sitting down with me and discussing this with me like an adult because we see each other at least once a week, he instead took the letters I wrote to him, showed them to a woman he is currently seeing and sent me a text to let me know that she was not happy about the letters.  

Clearly, I felt very sad, not sad that he didn't feel the same way about me, but sad that someone I truly respected, who I value tremendously, someone who I felt I could trust, turned around and showed something so personal to someone he probably just started seeing, because just last month, he told me he was not seeing nor did he want to date anyone.  So, he either lied about the fact that he wasn't seeing anyone, or he showed my letters to another woman he just met, but either way, I see that as someone who needs to feel important, so he almost did that in my opinion, so this girl could get jealous because "someone wants her man." 

When I met him, he told me his ex girlfriend was "stalking him" when he said that, I felt compassion for his ex girlfriend, I also thought to myself, that, that was a bit arrogant and later spoke to him about that, he apologized for saying that, through out our friendship, I never really asked questions about his past girlfriends, because I don't want to get to know people based on their past relationships, there are so many other ways to get to know someone, there are so many topics to talk about.  Also, as a woman I understand how devastating it can be to loose someone you love, I never once felt any sort of jealousy when this individual mentioned any other woman, maybe I didn't feel that way because I am very confident, I understand finally, that if someone rejects me, it's not because of me, it's because of them.  

Anyway, this is all my fault because he had already said no to me before, but I was thinking so much about him the other night, that I sent him the message to ask him to reconsider, mostly, because a lot of things have changed that I felt might have kept him from wanting to try to have some sort of emotional bond with me, but also, because when I like someone, I am not afraid of sharing that information, what is wrong with people? you should be HONORED! that someone thinks your amazing, just today someone told me he would love to be with me and my response was WOW! I am so flattered and I truly was, this guy thinks that I am awesome and that makes me feel really good, I treated him with the up most love and respect, because he thinks I am amazing and he wanted to be with me.  Instead of treating someone who likes you romantically badly, you should treat them with respect, me liking you means I think your an amazing human being and in my eyes you are worth it, so, why would you treat someone that thinks your worth it, badly? I JUST DON'T GET IT!  

Below are the two letters, they are no longer personal.  They are no longer personal, because they were intended to be for him, but he shared them with someone else, violating my trust, and therefore, these letters are now for all too see.... Dear Journal, I give you me....

Letter Number 1

Dear: SMD

I always find inspiration in what I am feeling.  I wasn't going to send you this, but until I find someone who truly deserves me and someone who will be ever so happy that I am writing him beautiful poems, I might as well give credit where credit is due.  Thinking of you made me feel inspired, so I wrote.  You told me that you felt weird about someone writing about you without you knowing, well now you know that I do, I have done so quite a few times, this one I really like.  I hope you will also.

My mind and heart are conflicted and I am so grateful that I am not true to my heart anymore, I used to believe that we should listen to our hearts, but in my life, my heart has led me to some difficult times and deep heart ache, now, I just try to listen and believe that everyone tells me the truth, that their word is their bond and I do not allow my heart to guide me and see things where there are none.  You looked well rested on Saturday night, I hope your doing really well! 

What I am writing to you and texting you, I would say to your face, I have nothing to hide.  I have always been honest to you so why stop now, whenever I see you and sit with you to chat, I always leave feeling sad, sad that we can't be not even friends, because I don't know how to lie to myself or others, so yes, maybe before I kept thinking that we could start from scratch, but that probably wouldn't work, I would probably get too emotional about it and do impulsive things to push you away because I'm so scared.  

And regardless if you say you don't feel anything, your eyes tell me everything I need to know, because our eyes always give us away.  But regardless of what you may feel, the fact still remains that you said no, for whatever your reasons may be and therefore I have to be respectful of your wishes.  

I feel happy that I am always honest and that when I told you that I was going to move, that was truly my plan, but now, right before my eyes, my plans have been shattered and now I have to make the best of my true situation, lucky that I always have a plan A, B and C your right, maybe I do need to stop being such a dreamer :'(

My impulses get me in trouble in that I say things without thinking them through I throw ideas out there and then the receiver goes.... OMG! WHAT THE HELL! I am impulsive and I told you to give me a chance and you went and over analyzed everything I said and I can only imagine how you created this whole life in your mind of how it would be if you said yes.  Why is it that as we get older we become more and more complicated? I wish you were impulsive, I wish you would impulsively just try, I wish you could see what I have always seen.

I'm not trying to change your mind, I don't ever want someone to give me things they don't want to, I can't wait until I like someone else, it takes me a while but I am sure at some point I will.  Sometimes I wish so bad that the guy I love in that other state,  would tell me he wants to move to NY and be with me, but we don't even talk anymore.  I also have realized that maybe all the things he told me where lies, I never even saw him for gods sake! they have a show called catfish about people that meet people on line and lie about everything! but since I am so honest and caring I can't believe someone would do that, but people do.  You should look up that show on MTV it's crazy! my sister told me about it the other day, and all of a sudden I was like OMG! IMAGINE!.  Imagine he is a total fraud? that would mean that I am a total looser.... I'm so depressed, because he seems so genuine and nice and I didn't even like him at first, he was some random person I ended up talking to without any sort of intentions.   But even in person, people lie, make up stories, say things to get into your pants, and everyone is just all over the place, it's crazy! This is EXACTLY why I don't date! I'm so glad that I don't!

Letter Number 2 - I sent this one a few minutes after because I felt that I had not been completely honest with my intentions

Dear SMD:

Wait, I want to be clear about something so it doesn't leave you wondering.

I do like you so much (romantically)

I do want you to reconsider without being judgmental of yourself and me just letting it be.

I don't want an answer via email or txt or anything like that, I just want you to think about it without over analyzing and over thinking or thinking to much ahead

I would probably want to start from scratch, but a place where we are on the same page, including if that place means just friends but knowing that we like each other and we would have to both know that it would lead to something more (please don't think two years from now!) this is the only true moment we have (keep that in mind)

I can't have sex with you (or anyone else for that matter) so that would not be an option, this isn't about sex or anything physical, although It would obviously be at some point

I don't expect an answer, I don't even think I am asking for one, but I just needed to tell you all of this because I have been thinking about you so much, like  you are truly the only real thing (sort of) that has happened to me in a long time and I did so many things to discourage you, but almost unintentionally, just being honest got me in to so much trouble.  And yes, maybe I could sit with every morning looking beautiful trying to remind you what it is about me that made you want to stop and wait for me that first time we sat and talked (and get you to want me sexually) but I want someone to want me for who I am, not for what I can give (sexually) or for any other reason other than they feel a genuine connection to me, one that is almost spiritual one that it's almost uncontrollable.  I know we both felt some sort of way, It was powerful and never intentional.

If you ever decide (I hope not to late) and you only you know how/ what to do, as I don't know.  I think that we could have some kind of wonderful thing, I don't know where it would take us, but I know that for whatever amount of time we would have it, I would always make sure it will be magical! and believe me SM, you deserve me just as much as I deserve you!

I always try to tell myself you are this horrible stupid man that just wanted to get into my pants because that is what you do, I even tell myself that I am this horrible woman that just wanted to sleep with you, but even if that was all true at first, I don't think you would have tolerated so much, I don't think I would of tolerated so much.  I just can't believe that you are truly that horrible person or that I am that horrible person.   

Maybe you are seeing someone or have someone, but I just needed to tell you all of this.  This is exactly why I try not to see you! except even when I try not too, there you are! almost as if something puts you in my path, it 's truly weird and I don't care if you say it's a coincidence, we NEVER saw each other before, why now, we always run into each other, I don't understand it, maybe you do.

I'm sorry to bother you today.  It might be the rain, I'm leaving to school now.  see you soon probably.... 

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Journal:

When I feel sad, I just want to go somewhere and dance, I will definitely do that tomorrow.... I'll leave you with Michael...

Off the Wall - Michael Jackson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FABG8y58zuQ

THE COCK...

Dear Journal:

Last night I turned in the poem below as one of the poems that were due for an assignment I had in my creative writing class.  My professor asked the class if we wanted to share any one of the five poems we had written, and I volunteered mine as one of them so he read it out loud to the class.  He loved it! I was really pleased that I got my professor to laugh and the rest of the class as well.  

Although I could tell some of my classmates were in a bit of shock! I got some good reviews about it from my class mates and that made me very happy! I am particularly proud of this poem because I have never written a poem that is not about love and having the opportunity to have fun with poetry was really nice.  

Additionally, I wrote a few other poems that I will post on here randomly.  I also really liked two other poems that two of my other  classmates wrote and I intend on asking them if they will give me permission to post them on here, they were just to lovely not to share them with the world, for now, I will leave you with my poem.  I hope you will enjoy.

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The Cock

It parades around with it's head up high, almost like he knows he is big and bad, just wanting to peck on every hen it sees.  

Rooster so full of himself

What a cock!

Yet sometimes it can't stand up straight it's so fragile, I can just ring it's neck and his life will be over

Stupid cock!

All the hens just parade around it, so it can fertilize their eggs

Lucky cock!

Dumb hens, if they could they would do anything for it, its walk makes them crazy, can’t they see the empty look in its eye, no sign of emotion, it’s just big and shallow, but those dumb hens, they just need the cock.  

Lucky rooster!

Stupid rooster finally does his mating dance.  Dumb hen so happy and proud, raises her tail and inverts her colaca, but the cock takes two seconds

Lazy cock!

Time to kill the stupid rooster, dinner time! but when you finally have a taste of it, it’s tasteless, it's boring, no flavor no condiment, it's as selfish dead as it is alive, all he has is strut and pride

Useless cock!

So yes it was meaty and yes it was large and boy was it hard to capture and fry. Now it’s there, on your plate, yet all it had was strut no taste.  You fought to capture it, you fought all the hens, the ones that paraded to have him for them! What in the world were you good for you cock? you were of no use to me

Just a useless big cock!

Dear Journal: a day skiing... and the HOT dad!

Dear Journal:

I have to make this short and sweet! but I simply must report yesterday's developments in Jazzy's usually uneventful life! So I finally went skiing and it was super duper AWESOME! OH MY GOODNESS! such a great fun time!

The first thing I would like to report is that the last time I went skiing was when I was in Junior High School! that was exactly 26 years ago! HOLLY SHIT! that is a long time ago! actually, that is longer than the age of the people I was with.  I was with three lovely ladies and one lovely gentleman from my school, all under 25 and all awesome individuals who I had an absolutely lovely time with! of course, I was the only one who never really made it to an actual slope, I mean I am bold, but not THAT BOLD! I was on the bunny slopes all day meeting all sorts of random people and thinking a lot about pizza and french fries! and not because I was hungry, although thinking about it made me want both of them, but because my mere life depended on me remembering those two key words.  

So basically, when you are going down a slope, in order for you to stop, your legs have to make the shape of a pizza with the front of your skis being the point of the pizza.  Well! the whole time until I was able to get the rhythm of things, I kept going down with my feet making that shape, so that I would not bust my behind.  I fell I think about 4 or five times, the first time I tried going down, I pretty much went down on my butt, the rest of the day, I went down on pizza and at the end, I finally felt comfortable enough to do the french fries! the french fries, is when you go down with your skis pointing straight and you are swerving from side to side, I don't know how else to explain it and don't know the technicalities but that is the just of it.  Anyway, by the end of the night I finally felt comfortable enough so that the next time I go skiing, I can finally go on a slope.  

Skiing is absolutely awesome and a whole lot of fun, I laughed so hard watching everyone fall all day long and listening to everyone talk about pizza and french fries, the bunny slopes are hilarious! most of the people are on the ground and there are skis constantly flying all over the place, I could not stop laughing at myself and others! then there were all these little kids that were just on a mission to conquer! they were so damn cute, tiny little things on skis just doing there thing.  I absolutely loved every moment!

Then, there were the hot dads! wooo hoooo! can I just tell you that skiing is probably one of the best ways to meet a man! like seriously, I don't want to be bothered with people right now, but if I was in the mood, OH MY GOD! I would have milked the damsel in distress role! I cannot tell you how many times a cute guy looked at me while I was on the ground and asked me if I needed help! it was AWESOME! at one point, I fell flat on my face right in front of this man and his little boy, he was so damn handsome I actually felt embarrassed, anyway, the kid was so cute and the dad was trying to explain something to him, telling him to try that he could do it! he kept calling the little boy by his name, so while I was still on the snow trying to get up but also watching the dad, talking to him and the dad trying to help me and his son, I just sat there and also started calling the little boy by his name telling him he COULD DO IT! the dad loved that! gave me a million dollar smile and told me that the little boy was also smiling, because I could not see the little boys face.  

Then, as he was still trying to help his son, he kept getting distracted watching me trying to get up and I could tell he just wanted to keep talking to me, meanwhile, I felt so embarrassed I didn't even want to try! it was hilarious! the whole time I kept thinking to myself, oh my god! he is such a HOT dad! Then, after he watched me attempt like three times and not managing to get up, he was like, do you want me to come help you up? I decided to say no because he was with his son, but I swear, I could almost read his thoughts or maybe it was his eyes that were giving him away, he totally wanted to help this damsel in distress! but I did not want to take him away from his little boy.  I am almost sure he was there alone with his son, because of the way he was sort of being flirty, but then again I could be wrong, maybe his wife was skiing somewhere, regardless, I was just being me and well, I didn't see a woman so nothing wrong with a little flirting as I am on the ground on my butt covered in snow!

I finally was able to get up and finally gathered my composure and decided to stop paying attention to the hot dads and focus on the task at hand, I was able to really get the hang of it and go down the bunny slope without falling a number of times.  I did see the same dad later on,  still alone still with the cute little boy, and I passed him quickly and he gave me a thumbs up and an amazing smile! DAMN! now that I am writing this I'm thinking, I should of just kept talking to the guy! but no, I am trying to stay away from the opposite sex for a while.  Today, I feel great! not in too much pain, I guess because I am so active usually, my body is used to feeling banged up.  I mean my arms hurt a bit, but not to bad.

Yesterday was a pretty awesome day, I did not take my kids as it was a day for me, but I will definitely be taking them next time, because you better believe there will be a next time! I AM HOOKED!

Give Me Tonight

Dear Journal:

I'm trying to write poems, but I can't concentrate, I cannot stop thinking of the way he looked, so calm and well rested and peaceful.  Why can't I feel that way? why can't I look calm and peaceful and well rested? why when I think I forgot about it, all of a sudden this anxious feeling comes over me? this is exactly what I didn't want....


Sweet March month of spring, please come soon to me, with the warm sun will come a calm feeling and the warm nights will comfort me, I haven't felt his kisses since fall, why are they so vivid in me at all, why is it that, that perfect moment is still lingering, why is his essence still on me, why is time still standing, why don't I listen and understand that what he said he truly meant, where or where are you Spring? Sweet March month of spring why can't you hurry, come to me.......

I think I just wrote a poem.....


Shannon - Give me tonight
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXuWh4TrXeE

LOOKING FOR "DISCREET FUN" ;)

Dear Journal:

I was telling my creative writing professor the other day that I do not know what I want to do with my writing, but that I definitely love to write and can't stop writing.  He instructed me to just keep writing.  No problem professor! your wish is my command! Lately my life has not been very exciting, I have been quite focused at the task at hand a class called statistics.  To me it is important to understand how to come up with a study, because at some point I will most definitely be conducting one, I really want to do it on on-line dating, and I have no idea how or what this study will be about, but I will definitely request the assistance of my awesome new stats. professor, professor Martinez-Pons.  There is something about the way he teaches that really eases my anxiety about statistics and I can honestly say that I think I am getting it a little.  Please note, key word in that last sentence was... LITTLE! OUCH! but I am trying really hard, honestly I am, and I intend to try my hardest and do my best.

So, while I have to stay true to both of my professors and obey their guidance so that I may pass their classes, I am trying to write as much as possible, maybe not on my blog, but I definitely have been putting more thoughts on paper or actually on my IPhone notepad.  Since like I said, my life isn't totally exciting, I decided that I would use this post, to add some conversations I had on line this past week.  I mean I do have to try to stay some sort of social right? as I have said before I am on like 4 different dating sites at the moment, I am not on them to meet anyone as I am completely un interested in the male species at the moment, YES, male species! I guess you can say I am going through a bit of withdrawal from some bad experiences in 2012 and I am just staying focused on the fact that this is my last year as an undergraduate student and I have to work really hard to maintain a high enough GPA so that I can get into grad school, so, for the moment I am just on dating sites trying to stay social and trying to network. 

I always meet really nice people I will say that, but there are times when there are men that really, truly, sincerely disgust me and PISS ME THE FUCK OFF! I'm serious! like why are you using the internet to say things to a lady that you wouldn't usually say to their face? additionally, what about me screams... COME TO ME! I NEED TO GET LAID???? Honestly speaking, I do not think that the pictures I post are the sorts of pictures that say, I'm out to be a porn star.  The pictures I post on dating sites are the same pictures that I post on my FB page.  When I first met AJ and I began to get to know him, (AJ is someone that I developed very strong feelings for) one of the first things I told him, was to look at my pictures on the site I had met him (Tagged) and to tell me if he thought that they were sleazy, I wanted to make sure that I wasn't one, being disrespectful to him because we were getting to know each other in a romantic way and I was beginning to develop feelings for him and felt that I had to be respectful to the man I cared about and two, because I don't want to give off the impression that I am a slut.  He told me that my pictures were fine, so, when men send me a dirty message or a disrespectful message, you know JAZZY doesn't take THAT! the BITCH in me automatically comes into play and very nicely I let them have it! it's pretty funny actually.

Right now I think I am one of the most hated dating site women, I became one of those people that send mass emails to a bunch of men who try to pick me up on line, but what can I tell you? on my profile page I am always specific about my intention on these sites, if they don't take the time out to read what I wrote, then that isn't really my problem, additionally, men do that all the time, they have one email which is some poetic thing about how beautiful someone is and they send it to a bunch of women, so, I merely do the same thing, except mine is an invitation to read my journal.  What can I tell you? it's called networking and marketing and getting followers, I am not trying to sell anything or make money from anyone, I merely want people to read what I have to say, I have future plans with my journal and they are not for the purpose of making money, they are for the purpose of giving back for all the great things that I have received from God and the universe, I am very lucky to have all the things that I do and I want to share if nothing else, things I learn with others.  So, with out further a do, below are two conversations that I had on one of the dating sites I am on.  Please note, I don't edit the conversations, so my apologies in advance if you find the conversations inappropriate or offensive.

Him - I am interested in having some discreet fun.  What exactly are you looking for? (me thinking to myself, what exactly is "discreet fun?" ugh! what a douche bag!)

Me - I'm not looking to have discreet fun.  But good luck to you.

Him - You are very sexy make an exception for me and enjoy some incredible sex. (me thinking to myself, ASSHOLE! now very annoyed and my blood boiling because what the hell about my answer gives this person the impression that I am even remotely interested???)

Me -What in the world makes you think I'm not already having incredible sex? Your funny.

Him - I hope you are! Now u should have some incredible sex with a big man like myself. (me thinking to myself UGH! DISGUSTING! after throwing up in my mouth because I was so grossed out by this man)

Me - No thank you! Please do not contact me again. (me to myself, OMG! some men are seriously delusional!).

Next Conversation another man......

Him - YUMMY!!! you look good enough to EAT! 

Me - (thinking to myself - after throwing up in my mouth completely disgusted and totally pissed off!) 

Me to him - Good day, may I just say that you are very disrespectful? I do not like to be thought of as a piece of meat.

Him - I apologize if that rubbed you the wrong way, I did not mean it like that.  You are very attractive, and I do happen to be a chef, in my defense.  

Me - (thinking to myself - wishing I could slap him right across his face! and thinking, YOU ASSHOLE! how else am I supposed to take that??) 

Me to him - May I ask how else I was supposed to take it? If someone refers to you as "YUMMY" What is the first thought that comes to mind? I'm just curious.

Him - Well, I'm not saying you are wrong to feel that way, but... more in a sexual manner, but not trying to be offensive to you or disrespect you.  Many people are here for many different reasons, again, if I offended you, I extend my apology.

Me - (thinking, yes, there are people here for different reasons, but you should be respectful to all women YOU ASSHOLE!) 

Me to him - Agreed, re: people are here for different reasons, however, that is never a way to approach a lady, regardless of what she may or may not be on here for.  I find it unacceptable.  Apology accepted and good luck to you!

Him - Cool, it works with some not all, I'm not on here often just every so often, nor do I sleep with every ho on here.  TY be well. 

Me - Take care

Him - Well after all the chat, and now that you understand me....mmmmm you sure look yummy!... lol night...

I never responded, but I thought to myself, YOU'RE A DISRESPECTFUL ASSHOLE! I wish you would say that to a woman in person! ASSHOLE! Damn I wish you were in front of me, MY FINGERS WOULD OF BEEN IMPRINTED ON YOUR FACE!

Moral of these two conversations? no matter what means of communication you are utilizing to chat with people, you should always be respectful! END OF STORY!

My FIRST True Love......Why women are AMAZING!

"My true love for them will last until the day I take my last breath" ~ Jazzy

Dear Journal:

My abnormal psychology professor, who was not only a professor but also a Therapist, once told the class that marriage was more of a burden for women, than for men.  She explained that the reason why women freak out before their weddings and become bridezilla's, it's because below the surface, below the fact that we women are as men say "drama queens" and supposedly "so emotional" (since men supposedly have no feelings) there are deep fears in women, that becoming wives is an extremely difficult job.  Aside from being a wife, we will be mothers and caregivers and have careers and have to take care of the home, have to make sure that we stay looking young and beautiful so that our man won't want to stray and do all of this trying to stay cool calm and collective! WHAT THE FUCK!! just writing all of that made me sick to my stomach! WOMEN ARE AMAZING!!!!!!

So, yes men can act like marriage is such a big deal and they are giving up their freedom and they won't be able to hang with their boys as much, and of course the really good men will be worried about the new financial responsibility (although usually in marriage the responsibility is on both individuals) but at the end of the day, MARRIAGE IS A BIGGER BURDEN FOR WOMEN! now, please don't think that I am saying that there aren't those few extraordinary men out there that go all out for their women, the ones that help care for the children, the ones that take an active roll in the home, the ones that don't care to change up rolls and be supportive to their career oriented wife or the ones that love their wife unconditionally and won't ever stray because they are true to the woman they decided to commit to for the rest of their lives.  But in general, this is how it really is and I am not saying this just cause, I'm saying this because this is what my professor taught us, her basing all this information on the fact that she is a professional who for a living listens to people who are going through difficulties in their marriages or are about to get married and go to her for advice because they are seeking some guidance.  Therapist are truly awesome! so, there clearly has to be some validity to what she taught us and I can totally and completely relate to what she said, because I have been married and know all to well, that being a wife and a mother was not an easy task.  And yes, I would totally get married again because I think marriage is beautiful and amazing if you are married to the right person.  But, marriage is a whole lot of work for a woman, a good woman that is.

But this post isn't intended at me criticizing marriage or giving my ideas about it or about what it means to be a wife bla bla bla.  Actually, I have no idea when I got sidetracked from what I was going to write.... (there she goes again on a tangent!).... Actually, this post is intended to be about my true loves, my three children, specifically my oldest son.  While I do not like to write about my children much because I don't want them to be upset at me because I'm divulging their private lives, I feel like I need to write about this one specific thing because I think it is important and it is also something that is affecting me very much and I want to put it out there, in case there are others who go through these same sorts of trials and tribulations when it comes to their own kids.  

So my son is already 18 and therefore in the eyes of certain laws he is an adult and therefore he can sign medical papers but can't drink.  Things like that just piss me off! go fight a war! but don't drink! Don't get me started! that's a whole other post.  What I want to write about here and I think that's where the whole marriage woman thing all comes into play, is that out of all the roles that I play in my life, the most difficult most challenging role I play is the role of a mother.

Being a mother is so much fun and so easy when your kids are babies, when your kids are well... little kids, but then one day they all of a sudden have a mind of their own and in that moment you are like WHAT THE FUCK!!! at that point it is so crazy you have no idea what the hell your doing anymore, but mostly, you are hoping and praying that what you did do all along you did it right! because if you didn't do it right, it is going to start to show, because your kids will show it.   But for me it is never about "what will people say" because I quite honestly have never given a damn what people think or thought of me (nobody gives me anything) so they can think whatever they want to.  Actually, if I gave a damn I wouldn't write this journal.  For me it's more about, will my child be ok? did I do a good job? was it good enough so that he can handle this mean cruel world? if I am gone tomorrow, is he/she going to be able to manage? and then, you have to try to do all of this, without having some sort of manual to tell you the steps on how to do it and god knows I wasn't the best teen in the world, nor was I one of the best young adult role models either, so I can't look to my own past to try to teach my children, because I don't want them going through or doing any of the things that I did when I was younger.  So, how do you do this? what do you do? how do you make it happen? did I do ok?

So, last night I am talking to my oldest child who was about to go out and I'm asking him all sorts of questions and he became very irritated with me, he started telling me how he never does this never does that yet here I am complaining and acting as if he is a child, but then, what he said next was really what got me and what I think was one of the most dreaded words I did not want to hear.  He said, mom, DON'T YOU TRUST ME? and in that moment I felt really bad, because I was making him feel as if I did not trust him, when in fact, what I did not trust was myself, I did not trust myself enough in that I didn't know if I did a good enough job, did I raise him right? did I do ok? PLEASE! is my baby ready for this cruel world full of all sorts of things???  He is so kind and loving and amazing, I only want him to go out there and continue to be that, I don' t want anything or anyone to change him, so all my questions weren't intended to sound like a line of questioning or because I didn't trust him, It was just to calm my own insecurities, to calm my own nerves about the fact that my son was going out to party and I am not used to that because he barely does.  I do trust him, I just don't trust me, I don't trust that Jazzy did a good enough job, I only hope I did.

Anyway, the other day I was crying all day because both my boys told me they did not like the fact that I called them "my love" and I went to work that day feeling like crap and told my male co-workers about it and they assured me that it was a phase that boys go through but that they would get over it and come back to me.  Well they better! because I don't know how to live without my babies and them growing up is very hard for me, I feel like I am holding on to them for dear life and I know this isn't a good thing, but I have worked so hard for them, I want them to be happy, I will do anything for them they are my truest loves, they are my definition of pure love.  So, you can imagine how I felt the next day after they saw how sad I was about the fact that I wasn't able to call them "my love" anymore and they both came back to me and said I could go back to calling them that, I WAS SOOOOO HAPPY! YAY! I know! I'm such a drama queen! but hey! these are my boys! they ARE my true loves!

So yeah journal, motherhood has proven to be the hardest job in the world! I can't deny that I am looking forward to the day they both get married and taken care of by their respective wives, because the truth is...... MEN NEED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF LIKE LITTLE BABIES! NO MATTER HOW OLD THEY ARE! and I didn't say this, MY PROFESSOR DID! I JUST AGREED!

I feel bad for my sons future wives, if they are going to look for someone like me to marry, these women better be ready to spoil their man!

The drawing below is by one of my favorite artist, her name was Kathe Kollwitz.  Her work is very dark, as it depicts her sorrow after loosing a child.  I can't even imagine! TRUE LOVE.....

Check out her story if your interested, she was amazing!

http://www.rogallery.com/Kollwitz/Kollwitz-bio.htm