Saturday, June 29, 2013

GO AWAY! I want you out of my memory forever! :'(

Dear Journal:


I was on the train a few days ago listening to my iphone, and on came one of my favorite all time Shakira songs.  In that moment someone popped into my head who the song reminded me of.  My initial thought was to tear up and my next thought was.... OMG! this song once made me think of Benjamin Nunez.... OH BENJAMIN! where are you now? do you remember Benjamin by the way? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html although Benjamin was the theme of my life for nearly five years, I must admit that he no longer holds that role and although I have not found anyone to fulfill his role in the significant way that he did, I feel that someone came into my life nearly a year ago, that under the right circumstances, might have taken his place in my heart and in my life.  The only difference between the two individuals, was that one Benjamin, I never kissed, the other one, I had the pleasure of doing so.  So, here I was on the train listening to this song and I thought of the new man, but also realized that once upon a time, that same song, reminded me of someone else.  

A few years back, I struggled to try to forget Benjamin, I often wished I could erase him from my memory completely, I used to wish that he was gone from my thoughts forever, but now that I have had the opportunity to study the human mind a bit, now that I understand so much about our magnificent brains and know how vital memories can be to us and how useful they can be to us, I realize that I am so glad that I have the capability to have those memories and whenever they resurface, I can embrace them, accept them and then let them go.  For the first time in all these years, that song that once reminded me of one man, now reminded me of a new one, one that I shared some moments of my life and one who I call friend no matter how controversial our friendship has been.  This new man, is not really in my life anymore, I don't see him or hang out with him or barely talk to him, but I care for him very much as a person and a friend and I honestly have to say that I felt really guilty almost to share with him the fact that I had thought of him with a certain song, because It didn't feel fair to me that a song that made me think of one person initially, now made me think of him.  Yet it doesn't really matter, I am not cheating anyone, and they are two totally different individuals, but I couldn't help but to notice that there were things about the way I feel for him, that brought me back to the way I would feel about Benjamin.  At the end of the day, the point is that our minds hold on to information to help us with new thoughts, ideas and that it is ok to allow them to help us, but not to control us.  One person may have reminded me of another, but they were two completely different individuals and I gave the new person a fair chance to get to know him enough that I know in my mind and in my heart, that if I would have ever been with him, it wasn't because I was trying to replace someone else, it was because I liked who he was, he meaning the new man. 

So what does all of this mean you ask? and why is this important for me to log on my journal? well, for starters I am going through constant change and I am constantly growing and learning.  I want this on my journal because I want whomever comes across this entry, to understand that it is very very important to embrace our feelings and to accept them and then let them go.  That a memory is just a memory and that we can allow it to surface, but then let it go and be ok with it.  We have the power to control our thoughts and we can allow our thoughts to make us happy, sad, or whatever else we choose to feel.  Love is in our minds or is it? I was going to put on this entry, a video of the song I am referencing, but instead I decided to share a video that I watched in the fall when I was taking my Cognitive Psychology class.  Please take time out to watch this video and if you are ever going through something (romantic in nature) that is very painful, and you wish you could erase it from your mind, don't wish it anymore, because there are some out there that have to live without memories and it is truly a very very sad thing.  Be grateful that you have the ability to store your memories for whenever you wish to think them again.... OUR MIND IS POWERFUL.

The song will now remind me, of two people who touched me in a meaningful way and that is ok, I'm not doing anything wrong, this is my thoughts, my mind, and I can think whatever I wish too, it is the only part of me that no one will ever know unless I share it.  Come inside my thoughts sometimes and read my journal, share it with your friends and your families and whomever yo think will find something on these pages worth reading.  I encourage you to come into my world, my mind, my thoughts.  They are here on these pages I call my journal.

Please watch the video below, it is about a man who lives without memories, very very sad.

Clive Wearing - The man without memory






Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Dear Journal - 6-19-13 The Mean Man

Dear Journal -

The word neglect can't even describe fully how I have almost abandoned you, so sorry sweet journal, but Jazzy has been so busy living and memorizing words like acetylcholine, yes I barely know how to pronounce it myself! anyway, I've been so busy trying to learn a million things at the speed of light, that writing has been the last thing on my list, writing, something that should always be on the top of the list.

I'm afraid I am lacking inspiration lately, I feel like I am missing something or like I've become almost numb of my emotions, they are just not all there lately.  It's this force I feel, this drive to keep my focus, that's almost made me mechanical.  A lot of times I'm moving in auto pilot and sometimes, I just straight up crash.

What can I tell you dear journal that might be of some sort of profound meaning? Hmm let me see..... Well, there is this one thing I would like to notate on this my sweet journal as a reminder to love thy self.  There was a man that I have written about in the past who I had very strong romantic feelings for, and while my feelings were not those of, OH MY GOSH I love this man so much! They were definitely up there with, man! I could actually picture myself with this person, that of course was a brief picture in my mind all based on "picture perfect" couple stereotypes, does that make sense? What I mean with that is that this man and I should we have taken a picture together and sent it around to people, everyone would say something like.... Wow! What a lovely looking couple! Like we genuinely would have looked really great together! I even think that if for one second, this man would of given me half a chance, he would of probably found a wonderful friend, lover and partner!  but instead, this person judged me from the start and put me in all sorts of stereotypes based on his past experiences with other women, never truly giving me a fair chance.  When I say that, I mean not even a chance to be a friend.

So, what I learned from this experience is that no matter how nice I am genuinely, people always seem to take my kindness for weakness and they do not treat me with respect, they are mean to me.  And when I say they, I'm pretty much referring to men, because obviously there is no reason for a woman to be mean to me, and if a woman is mean to me, then I will just move on from her also.  Relationships no matter what type of relationship it is, requires respect.  I will respect and be honest and treat you kind, if you offer me the same treatment, if you don't, then I no longer know you.

Journal, I leave you with a little poem I wrote after I saw the man who was mean to me.  Tonight on my way home from school, I was writing this entry on the train and right after, i bumped into him.  When I saw him, I had to pretend, I no longer know him, because he has not been very nice to Jazzy, I love all people, but I cannot love right, if I don't love myself first.



Unfair
By: Jazzy

Ignoring hurts me more than it hurts you, because it brings out a part of me that I do not like to see, so I cried because you drove me to bring out this side of me, this side that I do not like to see, a part that I keep deep inside, a part that only mean will make come alive.

So I saw you standing there, and pretended that I had never seen your stare, and acted as if I didn't know you, and walked passed as if nothing had been shared, because all along you had been unfair, and you brought out this part of me, a part that I did not like to see, and I walked by and left you there, because all along you had always been unfair.

So I walked away and never looked back, and I felt happy and then I felt sad, for you brought out a side of me that I did not like to see, because all along you had been mean to me and all along you had misjudged me and all along I tried to be nice and all along I had to pay the price and all I ever wanted was to be nice and all along I had to pay the price, but that day I left you standing there, because all along you had been unfair, I never want to see your face, I never want to share your embrace, I never want to see your smile, I never want to know you for a while, I never knew you before, I never saw you again, I never want to see your smile, I never want to see you around, so I left you standing there, because you were always so unfair.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Sex, Thoughts, Open Relationships!

Dear Journal:

The key word for this post is GUILT.  Lately I have been feeling guilty about a whole bunch of things and I honestly have to say that I am starting to piss my own self off.  Like seriously? how come when people do messed up things to me they don't feel guilty? and why do I have to feel guilty if the things that I do aren't really "that bad" I mean honestly, when I think of my life, I don't really do squat! like I have thoughts of wanting to do certain things that are pornographic in nature, but I don't really do them and furthermore I don't think I would be able to even if I wanted to, because I have this "guilt" factor that I have to carry around at all times, or is it that my up bringing is one of the mentality that if I do xy or z or xxx then I will be in trouble?

Ok, I know that I am not making a lot of sense, but honestly, I miss sex, I miss sex a whole lot and lately I have just being contemplating a whole bunch of crazy scenerios in my mind of these ridiculous fantasies that only happen on porn, but I think it's healthy to allow ourselves to imagine different scenarios.  I honestly think that the bulk of people do just that, they imagine they want this and that and at the end of the day, they don't do squat!

So I was away a few weeks ago and I was able to spend time with someone who I know really likes me, except I like him as a friend, but I don't like him romantically, I told myself that I could think "outside the box" and just go for it, why not! and so I tried my hardest to allow myself the opportunity to be with someone who treated me like a true princess and what happened? I don't like him! I FEEL SOOOO GUILTY! these things happen to me way to often and it is really frustrating, why is it always the ones that are sweet hearts that I reject? so I try to ask myself these questions and the answer is, that if someone really likes me, they are going to be nice to me and treat me like a princess, because the truth is, that it is in a man's nature to want to go above and beyond for the woman they like/love, so, I shouldn't feel guilty because I don't like him, I should feel proud of myself that I won't lead him on even though he gave me royal treatment.  I feel good that I can be honest with him knowing that he will no longer offer me that sort of treatment and I'm OK with it, because I do not want to do to others what I do not want to be done to me, so why in the world would I abuse of his kind gestures? actually, I would offer him the same treatment but can only do so as a friend.  Anyway, I told him this knowing that he would probably back off and not communicate with me as often, and that is exactly what happened, I hope that he finds someone suitable soon, so that he and I can be friends and then I don't have to feel guilty anymore.

In other Jazzy news, I have been seriously considering having an open relationship.  Well, I think first I have to have "A RELATIONSHIP" and then I have to make sure that the person is ok with it being open.  The reason why I think an open relationship would be cool, is that I honestly feel that I can't be with just one person for too long, I honestly thinking back at my past relationships, always get bored after a few years and so why not? but again, these are all just random thoughts that I wish to share on my journal, because I want whomever comes across my journal, to understand that it is OK to have different sorts of thoughts and ideas, it's healthy to keep your mental juices flowing, it's healthy to think, one thing is thinking another is doing! take charge of your thoughts, allow them to come out, discuss them with friends.  I am going to be judged regardless of what I say on my journal, and I honestly don't care, go ahead, judge all you want, half the time people get me all wrong anyway and I love that!

So I met this one guy on line who I am lusting over, except he lives in PA, why is it that the ones I like always live in different states? anyway, he is in an open relationship and I honestly think that he is only in an open relationship because his woman, who happens to be a sex therapist, wanted that.  Do you see what I mean about a man that wants you enough will go above and beyond? I think he is quite the cool guy and we only talk as friends, he doesn't know I'm lusting over him, but still! come see Jazzy! you will forget all about your sex therapist! all jokes aside, I barely ever lust over anyone, so this makes me feel good because at least I know I am still really alive! geesh! for a while there I thought I was a robot! yeah, this guy is quite the nerdy man who is just pretty awesome! who knows, maybe one day he and I will meet and then I will end up in an "open relationship" I mean, I will be with him knowing he is with her and then I can still do whatever I want! that's a win win situation if you ask me!

Ok. Gotta go, to many random thoughts going on in the left right hemisphere of my brain, because remember, the right side of your brain is responsible for spacial, artistic, creative and random thoughts (I added random) so yeah, lot's of stuff going on on that side this morning.  I need to get my logical left side going so I can get some school work done.  Oh and speaking of which, this semester, Jazzy is learning Behavioral Neuroscience... GOD HELP ME! that stuff is CRAZY!

OUR BRAINS ARE SOOOOO AMAZING!

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Dear Journal... meaningful moments....

Dear Journal:

Last weekend at this time I was hiking and let me tell you, it was the best day ever! when I am surrounded by nature, everything seems perfect, it would of been even more perfect if I would have been doing it with the one my heart yearns for, but unfortunately, I always choose crazy people to care about and so no, I wasn't able to hike with him.  Instead however, I was hiking with an amazing awesome guy who I really like a whole lot, except I don't like him the way I feel I need to in order to want to do stuff like that with him often.  Should I explain? sometimes things happen to me and I think to myself... DAMMIT! this is the stuff that I really want to write about... this! life! now! and then when I sit down and try to put it all down, I realize that sometimes some things need to be left unsaid because there are some things that are just not nice to say, or because they are just way to personal and a bit embarrasing, however, I need to share a little bit of me that's way deep because if I do, then this journal is truly personal, it's truly real and it's truly me.

I went to another state last week and while I was there visiting, I had to ask myself a few questions, the reason why I had to ask myself these questions was because I need to make sure that I am being real to the one person that truly matters.....ME.  I went there for two reasons, one, because I absolutely love it there and two, because I wanted to meet AJ, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html so I set out on this trip with no expectations and deep down feeling a bit nervous but ready for the worst, because last year just about the same time, I had went to this same city to meet him and he had been so scared, that he was unable to meet me, last year when that happened, I was really torn, and felt a bit heartbroken.  This year, I was not only going to meet him, but I was going to meet three other people that I have been talking to virtually 2 other men and one woman.  So, I get there and we finally decide where exactly we were going to meet and I drive there to meet him and when I get there, he is standing outside of his car waiting for me.  When I got out of my car and went over to him, I felt as if I had known him always and as if I didn't know him at all, but I knew that the first thing I wanted to do was hug him, so I hugged him and said FINALLY! and we began talking as if we were really old friends that usually meet up every few weeks to have lunch.  During the whole time I was having lunch with him, I did not feel any romantic feelings, nor did I feel nervous, I just felt very comfortable sitting there with him which brings me to my theory.  I have this theory that when you don't have romantic feelings for someone, you are perfectly comfortable around them, but when you do have romantic feelings for someone, you get really nervous, I didn't feel nervous because I almost felt like he is mine and I have nothing to be nervous about, except that the reality is that he isn't and I should be very nervous.

After lunch we went back to my hotel room and I asked him to please just lay down beside me and hold me, and that is exactly what he did, I wrapped my hands around him and held on to him for dear life and then I began to cry, I began to cry, because I realized how magical it can be to hold on to the one you love, I had forgotten how amazing it feels to just be, just be there in the same space same place as the person who makes you feel whole, I felt whole in that moment, but I was also ready to leave when he was ready to do so, because I am not going to hold on to people, I don't feel that I want to, I feel that my freedom is so valuable, that I don't care to let go and that is exactly what happened next.  Before him and I went to the hotel, he told me that he could only stay with me until a certain time, I told him it was fine, so we went there held on to each other and when it was time to go, we left.  I did not have sex with him, I guess unfortunately and fortunately, fortunately, because I don't know what would happen if I made love to him, I'm not sure that I would be as calm and collective about the situation as I am right now, this very moment.  I also feel that the time we spent together was more meaningful, because we love each other, for who we each are and that is truly priceless, except now we are just.....I don't know..... two people that think of each other I guess.

The rest of the time I was there we did not communicate or saw each other and I to his face could not admit that I loved him and now I think I do but still am not completely sure, or maybe I just won't allow myself to love someone I am not with, because I went down that road before and that road led me to heart ache and pain.  So, I will leave the future of AJ and I up in the air, may the energies that brought us together and the spirit of love bring us back together if that is the will of the mighty creator, if it is not, then I know that we shared a very meaningful special moment, the sorts of moments that have deep meaning, the sorts of moments that you carry inside forever.  I will be living there sometime soon and I am sure that when that time comes, I will have much more to tell about AJ and I, because the one thing I am sure about, is that it isn't over, it hasn't even began.

The rest of the time that I was there I spent it with my other male friend, with him it felt natural to hang out, get drunk, cuddle and well..... have a great time! I cannot unfortunately say that It was the most meaningful moments of my life because with him I do not share a deep connection, I think that when I write about connections, anyone that comes across this post can understand.  There are people that cross our paths that we just feel deeply connected to, it's almost as if they were there all along, as if you had been with them somewhere before and then there are others that although you feel very comfortable with, you just can't seem to feel that deep closeness.  I loved hanging out with my other friend, but I was honest with him about how I felt and I was honest to the most important person that truly matters, ME.  I cannot lead someone on to beleive that just because I was finally able to cuddle, that means something, I feel like I reached a whole new level of me, that level being me being able to be a man, yes go ahead hold me tight if you wish, but there is nothing going on inside me.  Does this make me feel really sad? yes it does, I do not quite know at which point I became almost robotic.  But, I have had moments of truly giving myself to another, and that moment was when I was laying on a bed with AJ holding him tight, he didn't have my body, but in that moment he had all of me and that is more meaningful than any other thing in this world.  So journal, at least I know now that I am able to cuddle, will I go around and do it? probably not.... shallow Jazz.... you can call me that from no on.

 
OH.... I wanted to put this song on my journal because apparently, there are people in this world that get annoyed at the fact that I can cuddle now and not give a damn, I never understand men... the Alpha male... I don't want you, but I hate for anyone else to have you!... FUCK YOU!

Give me the night - George Benson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imYJpr09IgQ
 


 

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Dear Journal: A Gift from Lily

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone.  Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone" ~ Orson Welles

Dear Journal: 
A bunch of things have been happening in my life that I for many reasons don't really want to write to you about at the moment, the reason why I don't want to write about them, is because sometimes I get this strange feeling like others eyes fall upon you and pry on my thoughts and therefore I sometimes feel hesitant to share.  Imagine......... someone else reading you, the trill that I feel at that thought makes me want to cry, laugh, run, scream! how lovely is it to know that somewhere out there someone reads you and shares my life with me in some sort of wonderful way! thank you!

Journal, lately I have been thinking about God quite a lot, I feel like I am goint through some sort of spiritual transformation that I don't quite know how to describe, but I must say that what I have read is true, there are signs in the universe that we must pay attention to and when we do so, we discover amazing things and amazing people, love is amazing.

Below is a poem that I wrote for someone in my buidling that past away.  She was an elderly woman that I don't believe I ever had the pleasure of meeting or speaking to, yet she touched my life in a special way and it's too long to write, but I just need to say that wishes do come true, that what you ask for you really do get and that all it takes is a lot of faith and a lot of love, tis that simple.
One last thought, I did not know her name, but I found something with the name Lily, so I decided to give my little poem that name.

A gift from Lily

Lily so lovely are thou, and now you lay in Lily pads with lily flowers, the color blue would not describe you, oh lily where or where are you, and lily are you feeling blue?
And lily where can you be? And Lily I have your bed, and Lily you were so brave, and Lily if you only knew how much in this moment I so love you,
and thank you Lily for your gift and thank you Lily you'll be missed and oh Ms. Lily don't forget, because of you we have a bed, and thank you Lily you are so kind, and oh Ms. Lily you are divine.
Rest in peace lily.
This pic was taken on 5/13




What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...