THANK YOU DISILLUSIONMENT!

Dearest Journal-

I have been doing well! On Friday night I went to a gay bar for the first time in many many years and while I was there, I remembered why it was that I loved going to them so much in the past and I had such an amazing time that I shall frequent them more often!

Why do you ask I had a blast? Well... For one, I was able to just dance without worrying about some guy trying to buy me a drink regardless of me not paying him any mind.  I was able to dress whichever way I felt comfortable, which was in my Fallen Angel costume (which was awesome!) and not feel uncomfortable or that anyone was going to think that I was wearing it to try to get picked up because I KNEW I wouldn't be getting picked up! And thirdly, there was enough eye candy in that place to fulfill my sweetest of all fantasies! OH! and did I mention that I was hanging out with one of my favorite fiends in the whole wide world??? It was just an awesome night!

I must admit however that towards the end of the night once the few drinks I had were starting to hit me, I did realize that I was in a sea of men that would NEVER want me! at this point I was very aware that the liquor was doing all the talking in my head, but I also realized that I want to like someone, because I haven't liked someone in a really really long time! It's almost as though I am numb to the male race, as if they almost don't exist in my world anymore, I'm just sort of over men.

While I was at the bar though, there was this beautiful young woman checking me out, I noticed that she kept looking at me and talking to her friend and turning around and looking at me again and again and I was really trying to avoid looking back at her but she was beautiful! I kept thinking to myself... WOW! That hot girl thinks I'm hot! That's awesome! And when I told my friend about it he told me that I should give women a try, I explained to him that although years ago I did kiss a girl, I was positively sure that I wasn't attracted to them and that at my age (42) I wasn't about to start "experimenting."

I think that one of the best things about being in my 40's is, that I'm pretty sure about the things I like and the things I don't.  The things I will tolerate and the things I won't, the things I can be without and the things I absolutely can't! That right there is pretty amazing! You know, to sort of know your "wants" and "needs" YES journal it took me 40 damn years to know all these things! But hey! Don't judge, at least I'm living and learning and THAT is always an awesome way to go about life.  I think it's vital in ones life to learn from our mistakes because without them, there is no personal growth and personal growth is an absolute must!

So yeah, life is pretty decent journal, I feel content in my life right now, and no I'm not saying that I don't go through difficult days or that I don't feel down sometimes, but I must say that all in all, I'm pretty outstanding!

THANK YOU UNIVERSE!

I leave you with one of my all time fav. songs....
Thank you
By: Alanis Morissette
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOgpT5rEKIU

 

This too shall pass, it will not last!

Dear Journal -

Hi... I am really tired that is all I really have to report these days! I really am! but life is going and days are passing and goals seem more attainable than ever and if feels great! I have been thinking about AJ so much lately, actually I don't remember a day in the last two years that I haven't thought of him at the very least once a day.  I am not sure why out of so many that cross my path, he sort of lingers in my thoughts.  I haven't spoken to him now in a few weeks, I'm trying really hard to let people go, especially people that don't make an effort to be my friends the way I make an effort to be theirs.  I have learned in these past few years some very valuable truths about friendships, one truth is that a true friend talks to you instead of getting upset with you for no reason.  A friend tells you if they miss you a friend gets excited to hang out a friend knows how to separate romance from friendship or rather, they don't see you as anything other than a friend and therefore it is easy for them to be just that.

Many and I am talking about males, have claimed to be my "friends" only a handful I truly believe are.  Yes AJ was one of them for a while and then he was something more and now he is just nothing.  Yes, it hurts, yes I miss him, yes I don't know how to act about it and yes I wish things weren't this way.  But, I have to accept that friendship means something different to everyone, so that's just life and I have to move on and know that this too shall pass.

So.... I will leave you with a poem inspired by him.  I wrote it on the train ride home the other night while I was thinking of him, as I wrote it, tears also rolled down my cheeks.  I thank him for being the source of my inspiration still.  I hope one day soon I can show him this post.

Enjoy my poem, it's called.....

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

This too shall pass, for it will at last.  And I won't remember his face nor will I remember his embrace, and there will be no memory of kisses, and there won't be feelings of missing, and it will feel like we never met and the site where it happened I will surely erase, and the pics I kept they will all be deleted and the words we spoke will never be repeated.  I will not remember his singing voice no I will not recall his high notes. I will not recall his laughter, I will soon erase his chapter, of the part when he was in my life, when we talked we laughed we agreed we tried.  To be friends just friends we said, but to be with me he would need to know me more he claimed.  But he knew me like no other, and I wanted him more than others. But this too shall pass, this will not forever last, and I will forget his singing voice, and I wont recall his highest tone. And I won't even remember his laughter and there won't be a memory there after.... Yes this too shall pass.

FU@K YOUUUUUUUU!!!!

CAUTION!!!! THERE IS A LOT OF PROFANITY ON THIS POST @$%**())&^%%$

please note: I wrote this a few days ago when I was feeling EXTREMELY emotional and overwhelmed, however, as of today when this post is actually being published, I am feeling quite dandy! a little stressed due to school work, but emotionally stable! that is ALWAYS a good thing to be! 

Dearest Journal -

I remember once when I had this dream that there were prying eyes that looked down on me from the sky, big red shot eyes the color of blood with a dark oval outline that made them look really scary, I felt the heavy stare on me.  I think I relate them to the eyes that appear in my all time favorite movie, Bran Stokers Dracula.

Yes, maybe it wasn't a dream journal, maybe it was a memory.  I will tell you what else I wish would be a memory, I wish that giving him a thousand kisses would be a memory, yet I could not recall a memory that wasn't recorded because it never happened, and yet I see a picture of him and his love of two years, and I still wonder what the fuck was wrong with me? What about me made him not want me? I'm going to be very mean with my words right now journal so please forgive me, but I think I have the right to be mean and pissed at times! I mean really journal? What the fuck does she have that made him pick her? Like all those years that I was in love with him i had all these theories of why maybe he didn't want to be with me, I kept thinking that maybe he wanted someone younger that he could start a family with, and then I see this picture of him with a blonde that looks older than me! What the fuck is that??? No wonder they got a dog together! She's not what he always wanted! And yes maybe she is a great person a sweet person a good woman, but why journal why didn't he pick me??? I was all the things he ever said he always wanted! Like he literally would describe me in subtle ways, I like brunettes and I love short hair and the way he looked at me! Those few times when I caught him staring! So why the fuck does that woman have the man that I loved for so long??? What is it about me that he couldn't tell me? And yet I have no idea why after all these years I'm asking these questions that will forever go unanswered, and then I don't want to hear from anyone that he had a choice and that he made it... I FUCKING KNOW that! And I'm not happy with his choice! Because his choice should have been ME! mother fucker!!!! ME ME ME!!! and so I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter, yet I'm writing about it because seeing that picture made everything so FUCKING real! and in my FUCKING FACE! And the worst part is that maybe I'm just jealous because I don't have anyone to take that sort of picture with, maybe I'm just jealous that he is in love with someone and I AM NOT! and that I still feel some certain way about him and it fucking pisses me THE FUCK off!

Why journal why is it still any of my concern and why is it that I saw this picture Saturday night and Monday evening I'm still wondering all these fucking things! But I asked him, I begged him so many times! "Pick me! Marry me! Let me make you happy!" (Quote from my best friends wedding) And instead he went and picked Ms. BLAH! Ok so maybe to some people she is beautiful who the fuck knows! But he likes brunettes!!! So why the fuck is he with a blonde???? I'm sorry! I am so angry at myself for feeling this way! And if this journal is anything to be proud of, I'm proud that on here I can be me!  I can express exactly how I feel! And if there is some doubt as to whom I'm talking about, I'm talking about Benjamin!
The one Asshole who I loved for too long for no reason at all! The one person I want to see again just to see, the ONLY person that I can't completely just let go of and the one person that makes me want to go and find someone to be in love with just so that finally he can be a distant memory!

I'm so over myself and the fact that seeing that picture made me feel this way!!!! UGH!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I want so badly to scream! I mean he is 8 years younger than I so if I would of seen a pic of him and some really young woman, then I might not be feeling this competitive feeling I have right now! but when the woman in the pic looks even older than me, that sincerely pisses me the FUCK off! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? That's all I could say! I was so angry at I don't know what! I was in shock! Ok so maybe she's a good person and I'm sure she loves him, BUT I am nice too! And I would of made him happy also! Fuck you Benjamin!

Leo Dan - Ay amor divino pronto tienes que volver a mi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoo99LhmW9k