Monday, December 30, 2013

No more kissing frogs.........



Dear Journal –


I am starting to think that it isn’t kissing that I love, It’s kissing someone I really like or love that I really love.  I hung out with my kissing buddy again last week remember that? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2013/12/kissing-marathon.html and I don’t like him.  I mean he is handsome and really nice, but I didn’t really enjoy kissing him this time, actually, I was a little grossed out.  That man wanted to devour me it seemed like! and I quite honestly don’t want to be devoured by someone I don’t really like, I’m only pushing myself to like him because I don’t want to be back in that place I was a few years ago where I loved someone sooooo desperately, that no one else would do and I would force myself to like people just so that I could feel normal.  I am not going to see my kissing buddy again, I don’t want to, I won’t force myself to feel that which I don’t.  Kissing was all we did, it felt like a HS kissing marathon and I don't really enjoy those unless I really like someone, or at least that's what I think.  I feel bad, I think I was a little rude to him when I was saying good night, or maybe a bit to honest.  I always get myself in trouble because of my honesty, but someone has to be.


Journal, I miss him so much, I really really do! And I am not referring to the kissing buddy, I am referring to someone else.  I get so upset to think that I miss someone who is always fighting with me for no good reason.  How can someone be upset because you care about them, or because you show them they are special to you, even when you aren’t asking for anything in return? I just don’t get it, how scary is it to some to be happy, to be appreciated by someone.  I feel so bad for him that he doesn’t know how to appreciate someone who only wants the best for him.  I won’t reach out to him again though, no matter how badly it makes me sad that we don’t talk.   

Eventually, I will forget him almost the way I forget my Benjamin… remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html I did say almost, because he has this little tiny piece of me that no one would ever know how to get to, it would be like an adventure to explore, trying to get to that piece of my heart that he still has a hold on, it saddens me that till this day, we can’t sit and have some tea and talk about movies.  How I miss my old friend!


Journal, I am feeling a bit sad today.  But this too shall pass!

Thursday, December 26, 2013

KISSING MARATHON! :)





Dear Journal -


I feel happy today! tonight I have a date with that guy I went out with over a month ago and couldn't see him again because I have been so busy! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2013/11/dear-journal-date-night.html well..... Mr. handsome waited for me all this time just so he could take me out again! I'm so lucky! we don't talk often, we have communicated in this past month that I have not seen him, but not so much that I could say I know him well or anything like that, it's not like talking everyday type of thing, but it's been just enough for me to want to hang out with him and.......... KISS HIM FOR HOURS! OH M...GEEE!!!!!!! can I just tell you that I can't wait to lock lips with him again??? 

Earlier today he told me that he could kiss me for hours because I'm such a great kisser! THANK YOU HANDSOME! then, I was walking down the street with this stupid grin on my face because of the thought that in a few hours I will be in his arms again getting a bunch of kisses out in public! I LOVE IT! I feel like this school girl! and he is only five years younger than I am, so it isn't like I'm doing this with some young guy and that's why I feel like a school girl! I think the fact that he is close in age to me is what makes me even more excited! I never usually like anyone, and honestly I had to convince myself to like him, I mean yes I think he is attractive, but that alone doesn't make me like someone.  However, I told myself that I am going to keep an open mind and give people a fair chance and that if someone wants to offer me attention, than I am going to take it! why not? why do I have to be loyal to my feelings if my feelings steer me wrong? my feelings are usually always for the wrong person, so why be faithful to them? 

NOPE! not anymore! I am going to allow myself to enjoy dating and life the right way! so kiss and kiss I shall! besides, he is really sweet and great to be around! I'm really excited about later and I am even a little nervous! (guys don't EVER make me nervous!) unless I actually like them! maybe I really do! YAY!

Journal, I have much more to say but I am sort of on a time constraint at the moment.  I just wanted to write you because Jazzy never wants you to feel neglected! I have a few entries I shall put on here as soon as I'm done with my kissing marathon! YAY! 


Saturday, December 14, 2013

I can't handle you!!! you're too crazy!!!!!!!!!

"I want you to know that I will forget you after this moment and never think of you again" ~ Danielle, Ever After

Dear Journal -

It isn't often that I like someone in a romantic way, so whenever the rare case does happen, I think I get a bit stuck on it, and it takes me a bit longer than usual to get over it.  Maybe though, I am indeed normal and unlike most people that pretend they are over something by moving on to the next person and using that person to forget the person they are trying to get over, I instead embrace what I feel and deal with it, in order not to drag someone into a situation, where they might develop feelings for me yet to me they are just a rebound.  While I did that in the past, I find that growing as a person and as and individual, has taught me that being honest to myself is the best policy.  Yes it is true that I sometimes have feelings for two people simultaneously, and psychologically wise I did find out that it is possible to love two people at the same time, and while I didn't love two people at the same time, I did have romantic feelings for them both yet no one was saying what I wanted to hear, and maybe my honesty was my true enemy, in that by me telling the truth, I unintentionally pushed people away.

So I sat across from him the last time we spoke and he was having a slice of pizza, and although bringing myself back to that moment breaks my heart and tears are now rolling down my cheek, it is important for me to write about that day in order to move on for good.  Yes I am human and things hurt me often, and I walk around being strong because I have no choice but too, but that doesn't mean that it isn't hard.  So we sat there and he told me that he was sure I would find someone new to inspire me, and while I believe his statement to be true, I cannot deny that it isn't that easy for me to find it, and it isn't because I don't have opportunities sometimes, it's more because I am not open to it and I am not anxious for it and I have gotten used to this lonely life, yet not really lonely because I am always surrounded by so many wonderful friends who fulfill me in so many ways.  So he says that to me and I explain to him that you have to be open to it, and that now I think I am.

Before that conversation started however walking to the pizzeria, he expresses to me that he does not want me to write about him anymore, "why can't you write about other things" he says.  So I try explain that no one knows it's him and then he continues by giving me a name to call him in my next post about him, which clearly contradicts what he is telling me he wishes me to do.  Am I to think that he was conflicted about who I was to him, as much as I was about who he was to me? I can only hope that if nothing else, I was someone kind, genuine and sincere with my thoughts and feelings for him and that anything that I ever said whether or not he found it upsetting, I only said it with a caring heart, never to hurt, or upset, or revenge whatever I couldn't get from him.

But it isn't that exact moment which brings me to write today this post, it isn't that at all.  It is the last few exchanged words that stayed on my mind for the last 5 months, the last few words that he said to me, that really keep me wondering, what exactly about me was so scary? after a tight hug, he looked at me and told me that I had potential, that he saw it, but that I was "too crazy" and he "couldn't handle me" upon hearing those words, I was speechless, imagine someone telling you, that you are great, sort of, but that you are something to "be handled" and that handling you is difficult at best.  As quick as I usually am, sometimes it takes a while for things to really dawn on me (5 months to be exact) and after thinking about it not everyday, but often enough, I couldn't help but to come up with a conclusion of my own interpretation of what that meant.  And while to him it might of just been some words and after that day he has never thought about me again, to me those few words hurt me deeply.

What am I? am I just a thing to be handled? was I just a situation? just a person who is "crazy?" but is crazy not just a term people use to describe that which they do not understand? is it not a term to describe difference? because sometimes some people are not what you think they are supposed to be? and you can't find a category in which you can place them? so many things that you can't quite grasp them? and why is it that because someone is different, does someone feel they need to "handle them." What ever happened to giving someone the opportunity to just be? what about giving yourself the opportunity to think outside the box, to give yourself a chance to explore something different and new.  And what happened to people being honest and saying maybe what they really think? he could of said so many other things like,  You are too old for me (6 years to be exact) you are to different for me, you are not what I am looking for, I want children and marriage and you don't, you're too fat/skinny, you aren't smart enough, you like things that I don't and it would never work, I have things that I have to deal with because I am not well, I realized that I am in love with someone else.  I don't know, there are so many things you can tell someone you led to believe that they were a friend, someone who treated you neighborly, someone who was always honest.  So many things that sound better than... "I can't handle you, you are too crazy for me." 

The worst part about this whole thing is that I have been told that by others in the past, my whole marriage I had to hear how I was too crazy and he couldn't "handle me" so it leads me to believe that maybe I am the problem, maybe I should allow men to "handle me" because it will make them feel more comfortable, maybe I should mold myself into this ideal of what a woman "should be" and suppress who I truly am because then maybe people will be happier and feel like they have some control.  I have felt like I couldn't handle someone in the past and when I realized that I couldn't handle them, I realized that what that meant is that I didn't want to deal with who they were and that I had a choice of dealing with it or not and then I decided to deal with it but it was too late.  

So maybe by writing this post I just revealed to myself what he really meant and what he meant was that he didn't want to deal with me because I wasn't worth it and that is why after that last day we saw each other and gave each other a goodbye hug, he never again acknowledged my existence.  Which leads me to believe that the one with the problem is not me, it's him.  Yes I said very many things, but I said them trying to be helpful, and maybe sometimes people don't like to be told about themselves because it's scary, because we don't want to accept what we fail to see about ourselves.  I never once in what I said ever ever said anything to i intentionally make him feel bad about himself, nor did I do it to hurt his feelings.  If I ever said things it was because I truly cared for him, more so than what I thought that I did, more than I wanted to accept, more than I could almost handle.  But if he would of given me a chance to be truly his friend and to truly exchange ideas about what we saw in each other as people, even he couldn't deny that we had potential, potential to have something wonderful, something real and awesome.  It doesn't matter anymore, I have moved on with my life and am not sitting around waiting for anything or anyone, so after this post, I will finally leave it all behind me because a new year will be here soon and great things are coming my way.  I also want to continue to try to be respectful of that which he asked of me without probably meaning it, and that was, for me to never write about him again......

As you wished.....

This post is related to... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-is-it-just-little-crush.html

I leave you with... New Order - Bizarre Love Triangle

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uEBuqkkQRk






Saturday, December 7, 2013

DON'T COME NEAR ME!

Dear Journal -

Sometimes I think.... I don't really want to write everything everything everything that goes on in my mind, but then I think, I need to write it all! Someone ones told me that sometimes the way I wrote left her wondering exactly what it was that I was talking about, it was almost as if I was writing a subliminal message, almost if I am writing a "secret" message for the person who it is intended for, to be the only to understand it.  Anyone else, would have to try to decipher through it to know what I am talking about.  I told her that there were times that I wrote this way on purpose, because deep down I didn't want anyone else but that person to know, because if I wrote it so obvious that everyone could see it, then how would this be a personal thing to us, or to the person that I was sending the secret message to and that if she couldn't understand sometimes my entries, then I was doing a good job at trying to hide the truth and that made me feel happy.

He used to send me subliminal messages, I know that he did.... remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html Benjamin.  AW! did you think I had forgotten my old friend? never that.  No I don't sit around and cry about him anymore or miss him the way I once did, but sure I remember him with warm loving thoughts, never hate, never anger, never that. This message isn't for him though, this message is actually for someone that I keep deep in my heart, very close to it, so close it sometimes hurts a whole lot.  I am not really sure if he ever visits this journal, nor do I know if he will ever read this entry, but if he did, then this is what he would find out.....

The last time we spoke with actual words and sounds it was on the day he celebrated his birth.  After that things felt strange and we stopped speaking yet again.  Today I went on his little piece of the world wide web and I stared at a picture of him, and my eyes got watery and I felt really sad.  What is it about him that makes me feel this way? that is what I thought.  Why is it you that makes me sad? and I stared and wondered why is it that he used to bad mouth the same space on the world wide web he now frequents? or is it that it is me he did not want to have a connection on there with? and if so, why would it ever even matter? for so long I was pushed away to the point that now I am shut down, buried deep in a sadness that I will not allow myself to feel and not even he would make me happy even, because I gave up on him.  But I do not think I ever even tried, all I wanted was to know him, to partake in some way in his life, to be the friend that once upon a time we had been, to share ideas and words and laughter.   What is it about me that he can't handle? or is it I the one with the problem and I don't want to accept it?  So I continued to stare at the picture and only sad thoughts filled my head.  But I wanted to keep looking, because seeing that made me feel sad and a little better all at once, to know that for a moment on the same day he was there too in that same piece of the artificially created world and that meant that he was alive, somewhere in this real world, the one we all walk around in.

I am starting a new chapter of this thing called my life really soon, and everything from the past there I will leave it.


Don't come near me
By: Jazzy

Don't come near me I will kill you with my anger, don't come near me I will kill you with my pain, don't come near me I will stab you with my dirty looks, don't come near me I will take you back again.......







Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Key Keeper

Key Keeper
By: Jazzy

The Keeper of the key, is no longer with me.

I pulled I tugged, I tried but failed! I even tried to cast a spell!

But all is well, I will excel! 

I'll let him keep the key, because forever he, will have a very special piece of me.  

I will keep him in my memory, and send him much mental love and positive energy, and grant him what he's been wishing, for so long the same words he said but I didn't listen.

But the time has finally come, so I'll leave it all behind and I'll leave him with the key for all eternity, because forever he, will have a little piece of me.  

Keep the key for I have sealed the chamber that it opens.....





Sunday, December 1, 2013

What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...