Thanksgiving 2014

Dear Journal:

As I lay on my bed writing this post I can't seem to help getting a little melancholic about so many painful Thanksgiving days in my past.  But there were also some amazing ones.  In 2005 on Thanksgiving day my ex husband arrived in America ready to start his new life in the land where dreams can become a reality, he was ready to start a new life with his wife and son.  I remember that I picked him up from the airport and we went straight to the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade, that was one of the few times I went to the parade, because as nice as that parade is, it's always so crowded and usually so cold, it isn't something I enjoyed doing much.  We had a few Thanksgivings together after that, but our marriage ended in 2007 and I have been having single Thanksgivings ever since.

I want to write about the bad things for some reason, or the sad things.  Maybe today will be the first day of my future always happy Thanksgivings and I have to write about the bad ones so that I can let them go.  I want to first write about the Thanksgiving in 2008 when I told he who must not be named on my blog anymore, that I was in love with him.  It was the day before Thanksgiving and he's response broke my heart.  Yes that was a really long time ago, but it still makes me sad that after that time, we were never ever friends again.  Yes, after that we exchanged a  few words, took some classes together and even shared one last good bye hug, yet every Thanksgiving after that I always recall that day before Thanksgiving when through an email I told him that I was in love with him and his response was that his feelings for me where only of friendship, except he wasn't such a good friend after all because soon after that I found out he had a girlfriend he had failed to mention to me for months.  I will never ever understand what that whole lying thing was about, but I do know in my heart that I made a huge difference in his life and that in his own way, he loved me back just as much as I loved him.   He is currently engaged and there is no part of me that regrets that pure love I felt in my heart for him.  I am also happy that I can write this without not one tear.  I do feel sad as I share this story, but not as sad as I felt on that Thanksgiving day when he sent me a text message the day after I had told him how I felt, to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving! how could it be happy, when I wasn't sharing that day with the person I loved.

In 2012, I really liked my neighbor back in Brooklyn.  That day I told him I was going to be making potato salad for my family gathering and he wished me luck because he knew I didn't like cooking much.  Later that morning, we bumped into each other right outside our building.  I remember being ever so grateful that I had just done my hair and that I looked all dolled up.  I could tell he was pleased with the sight before him.  The way we exchanged looks always felt deep.  That evening he sent me a message when he got back from his parents house inviting me over to his apartment for some left over desert he had brought back with him.  As badly as I wanted to go, I said no because I was already in my pajamas and I had to work the day after.  Til this day I regret that decision! I know that had I gone to his apartment that evening, we would have made love, or at the very least we would have made "like a lot" because by this point my feelings for him were so strong, that I wanted nothing more than to be with him.  But I said no, and that was the very last time I had the opportunity to be in his arms.  This morning when I woke up I thought about him and I missed him, as I am writing this paragraph tears are rolling down my cheek! I miss my neighbor.

Today is a day when you are thankful for so many things, and although I have sad memories about Thanksgiving past, I am still truly grateful for all the wonderful things that are going on in my life currently.  I have made so many wonderful new friends in my new home in Colorado, that today I am making my first full Thanksgiving dinner in more that 8 years I believe.  My second turkey ever in my life.  Why am I cooking? I am cooking because I have some really sweet friends coming over this afternoon to share with me my first Thanksgiving in Colorado.  My friend JC will be here along with his roommate and my other two male friends.  No I don't really have female friends, but that is ok. I am glad that I have nice people in my life that are truly special to me.  

I leave you journal with one last thing.  I am so truly thankful that three years ago I met a young man named AJ who invited me to move to Colorado.  The last time I saw him, he told me that he had asked me to move here for a reason, yet he wasn't sure what the reason was.  I know what the reason was, the reason was that he was leading me down a path of new and happy times in my life.  He was the angel sent to me from heaven to guide me to a new beginning.  Although he and I are no longer friends, I most grateful today for having met him, because without that piece of my life, there wouldn't be today, a new Happy Thanksgiving filled with love and good friendships.  I love my new home! I love Colorado! I love my new job! and I love that I can write this post and feel happy in my heart!

I'M THANKFUL FOR HAVING YOU JOURNAL!

Survivor........

Dear Journal -

I know, shame on me for neglecting you! It isn't so much that I am neglecting, it's more so that nothing really interesting has been happening in my life for me to sit down and write about it.  Life in Colorado is very relaxing and cool and it's pretty darn sweet I must say! I work and spend time with my kids and do nothing else.  I barely go out anymore, I just feel exhausted like I need to do nothing.  And it isn't that I'm physically tired, I mean yes at work I move around a lot, but not so much that I should come home so tired, but I do.  I went to the doctor for the first time in 8 months last week and I found out that I have gained 20 pounds since I've been in Colorado.  I sort of knew that I had stopped caring about myself but I never realized how much.  

I realized a few days ago that I'm depressed, I keep trying to figure out why I'm depressed, but I can't pin point the reason and then yesterday I felt it really bad and I know now what my deep down reason is and his name is AJ.  Today is his birthday and I can't send him a message to wish him a happy birthday.  I will not, but if he ever comes across this post, I want him to know that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him.  Happy Bday AJ! may you have many many more!  I feel sad that he and I cannot be friends, that we do not know how to, that the feelings between us don't allow it.  About two months ago we had a fight and I told him that I was dead to him, and I am.  As much as I miss him I feel that I am better off without him in my life.  Anytime he starts to like some girl he pushes me aside and accuses me of ruining his relationships.  I don't understand how that can be possible.  I think he uses me as an excuse not to fall in love with anyone because he is afraid or maybe he loves me and can't admit it to himself.  I really don't care what the reason is anymore, I am not going to allow anyone to be my friend only when it is convenient for them to have me in their life.  

I am such a loyal person to the people I care about.  I also love him and it is difficult for me to accept that he is with someone else, so I rather stay as far away from him as possible. But I have been feeling really down and missing him so much.  How is he doing? last year we were also not speaking on his bday and I used that as an excuse to call him, we talked and I told him that since this year I would be here for his bday maybe I could take him out to dinner, well, guess not.  I would love to be able to sit with him and talk the way we do, just hang out eat some good food and talk about life, but that is nearly impossible for us to do.

Anyway, back to my 20 pounds.  I decided last night that I am done with being down and done with not caring about my health, so effective tomorrow I am going back to the gym and starting my healthy eating habits again.  I'm really happy that I have my friend JC in my life, he is so sweet.  We talk everyday all day long and it wasn't until last night that I was out with him and his friend, that I realized how jealous he gets sometimes when I talk about this one guy that I sort of like that JC and I work with.  But then I became jealous too when he kept bragging about his best friend that he's had since they were kids.  I was a bit drunk though so it was more the liquor reaction than anything else, I don't think of JC in  a romantic way at all.  I see him as someone who I love as my good friend, who I can talk to about things and who is just a really great person to have in my life.  Of course when I told AJ about him, AJ accused me of being "after" him.  What the hell does AJ know about my relationships with people since he has never truly let me into his life the way a real friend does? I am just some little treasure he has hidden from the world, that he uses when he feels he needs some love.  And of course knowing myself the way that I do, I bet the day if ever that he feels like walking back into my life, I will probably hold him tight and tell him how much I love him, because I do not know how to be fake.   But I won't be holding my breath waiting for anything like that to happen, because I am dead to him as I stated nearly two months ago.  For as long as I can remember he has been telling me that he wants me gone, so that is exactly what I have done, Jazzy is gone.

So starting tomorrow I will try to be more consistent with my writing.  I will be thinking about different topics to write about as to keep you entertained, I will tell you now it probably won't be much about my current life since there isn't much to say, but I do need you journal to keep track of my health, of my weight loss.  I feel like I need you in order to stick to my plan, I don't want to let you down so you will be my rock.  I am ready to get back on track and to fit into my cloths properly, I am ready to be happy again.  I am ready to get back to the gym and give it my all.  It has been a year now that I don't run, and it is so depressing because that was one thing I truly loved, but I am thinking that maybe I will take up swimming instead.  For now, I leave you with this.........


I vow to  you journal that my life will change effective today, that I will no longer eat sloppy and careless.  That every time I think of letting myself go I will think of this promise I make to you and that in a few weeks I will have some wonderful news about how great I feel because I am back in the gym doing what I love, which is working hard to maintain a healthy weight.


Eye of the tiger
By: Survivor