Mirrors

Dear Journal - 

I wrote this post yesterday evening at almost 11p.m. sitting on my balcony getting some amazing fresh air! I wrote it on my phone and only now am I having a chance to post it.  Today is Friday the 13th! YIKES!

How are thou? I always say this and it's true, I often think of you, but I can't get myself to put the words in here anymore, it's almost as if I left you behind in NYC with all my pain that there remains.  Sometimes I wonder if this is my place of solace, a place where I came to leave it all behind, my past my hurt my old self.  The mountains console me, I never feel down anymore, and while I miss my beautiful sky line, I no longer feel the yearn of being there again.  I am content, though I might be alone without a person to love in a romantic way, I have so much love from so many great new friends that I don't miss it, I don't feel the need for it, yet sometimes I fear to end up alone, if that is even possible.  

I have forgotten what a romantic connection feels like, yet I remember what it meant to me once upon a time.  I can honestly say that in CO there is only but one person that brings me only a bit of comfort to knowing that with him although I don't feel it still, I know we had one a long time ago.  AJ! he is almost the reason why I ended up here, I grabbed on to him for a reason, and though I still don't know what that reason is, I believe it was part of the journey that I had to go on.   I had not seen AJ in a year maybe more, and the other day we had coffee, and for the first time since I've known him, I felt that we were finally in a good place, yet seeing him reminded me of what I felt when I did have connections, but I know in my heart that our connection can only stay as friendship, but I'm finally truly ok with that.  

Today however something strange happened, I went to a training for work, and I met a man who I instantly felt attracted too, of course just my luck he is marred and journal you know how much I respect another woman's man, but still I could tell the feeling was mutual, and while there was no flirting, something told me that he felt it also, and it reminded me of a book I read that talks about soul mates, how we can have so many in this world, but once you pick one and

they pick you, you must always stay true to that one person, clearly he is with his choice, yet for me, feeling attracted to someone made me feel happy, it reminded me that I can still be one day maybe in love to someone I find that connection with, so I am alive! I am here! and I'm not a robot!

The crazy thing about this whole story of today is that earlier on my way to the training, a song came on my playlist, that briefly took me back home to Brooklyn! and for a few brief moments I thought about him, the man in B5 and I wondered how he was doing, and sent him mental well wishes, and missed him dearly! I also fantasized how happy we would have been if he would of given me a chance, and how connected I had felt to him, and how not often in life those connections cross your path, and how I could not talk to him because it was best, and how I would of stayed in Brooklyn just for him, just to give that whole situation a chance and how I am certain that if it would not have worked out, I would have been ok with it, because CO would still be here for me to come too, if that is what I would of chosen to do had it not worked out between us, and how I would have never regretted it or looked back and then I imagined how much he would like Colorado if he was adventurous like me.  

So tonight as I sit here thinking about all of this, it was so easy to make the words flow onto you, because still he inspires me, and still when I think of him it's easy to write, yet he once told me to find someone else to inspire me and how it's been nearly 4 years since I last saw him and still the thought of him helps me pour my thoughts into this my journal.  

I wish he would have believed in himself the way I did, I wish he could have seen what I did.  And so often I also think of Benjamin Nunez, the man who's name is all over this blog if you do a search, but when I compare the two although I never fell deeply in love with the man from B5, or Wilferm (as he told me to name him on this blog) the way I loved Benjamin, I know the man in B5 would of become one of my great loves, because the connection I felt to him was out of this world, it was a spiritual one that I know even he felt, or maybe that whole story was all in my creative mind, and maybe it was just meant to be written.

Still, I am glad that today I went down memory lane, that today I was able to put my thoughts and feelings onto you my journal, for it has been to long my lovely! and while I don't know  when the words will flow again, I can assure you that once again soon they will! because there is much more to live and write.

Good night.

I leave you with the song that made me go down memory lane..........
Mirrors 
By: Justin Timberlake

Inspiration

Dear Journal -

How are thou? I've missed you so, and thought of you often! Life has been busy I'm usually to lazy to write, which is horrible.  How can I be lazy to write? I'm just always exhausted after work, because all the my job is not labor intense, it's mentally and emotionally draining.  There are days that I get home and don't want to talk, or listen or read or watch or anything, I just want to be.  

It's really hard to describe what I go through on a daily basis, because it's a different story every day, and I listen to my clients intently and get lost in their world, and try to give them some sort of reason to make them feel a bit better.  Some stories remind me of a life I could of had, and I wonder how I made it out and survived, and made it where I am now, in this place that feel ok.  Sometimes I wonder if I even feel remorse anymore, am I sensitive to others, or have I become cold to people and their stories?

I have decided that I do not want to go back to school to get a masters degree in social work like I thought I wanted to, I just don't want to help anymore than I already can, I don't think I have the patience to do anymore that I have.  I am happy where I am now and I don't want to give more.

I have lost my inspiration to write journal, I have lost the will to say anything because I feel that I say so much everyday that when I get home, I don't want to say anymore.  Somedays are easier than others, and I am surrounded by awesome people and that makes it a little easier, but still I wonder, am I in the right place? is this good for me? or am I just settling? all in all though I feel a sense of pride and joy for what I do each and every day, I feel content in my life at the moment, and that is always a good thing.

I am writing tonight because I was reading some poetry and all of a sudden, I felt inspired, inspired by the thought of someone I miss so much, when someone tells me that my friend can't talk to me because someone is making it difficult for him to do so, I feel so angry at myself because I made some choices that sort of led to that happening.  I don't want to get into this huge thing where I will tell you the whole story journal, but the fact that this person makes me feel inspired, is an awesome thing! I need some inspiration in my life, I need that thing that makes me want to write, thinking of my friend made me feel that way, I can't wait until one day he can read this post.

I am tired journal, I will go now, but I'll leave you with my little poem! I guess I can call it, I still wait....


I still wait
By: Jazzy

And so I waited, and days went, and days came and years passed and there I stayed, waiting for your love, your touch, your kiss.  And still I wait, for nights to pass and then at last I'll see you again, because at last the wait will end and there you'll be, in front of me and we will share a tendeer moment a moment at last because I waited, waited for you.

Painting by: George Seurat

How about a round of applause?

Dear Journal -

You would think that at my age I've seen it all! but no, there are still things that awe me! like, for instance, someone you know in their mid 60's still doing things like cheating! and no, nobody cheated on me, I am a single woman, yes AGAIN! I feel ok about it, cause it's better to be alone than with someone you aren't feeling compatible with.  I just have one thing to say about my last short lived relationship.  It wasn't great, it wasn't awful, it was just not right for me.  I was very smitten at first and very happy, but soon I was also very consumed and very sucked in.  I don't need to hear how great I am constantly, or how beautiful I am to someone.  I just need to feel that I am in the same place with that person.  Like are we both getting the same thing out of this or are you consumed in me? do you love yourself before you can love me? I think at this point in my life that is the most important question I can ask.  I don't even think I need love that way anymore to be honest.  I'm numb to most human emotion.  By that I mean that I've heard some stories that have completely broken me.  The women I help each and everyday at work have a sad story that breaks my heart, or does it? can I actually relate cause I've been there but not really? I don't want to get into this topic.  I just feel that I am better off alone right now and that the person I decided not to be with anymore, isn't a bad person, or a mean person, just not the right person for me.

This blog post is about another couple that is very close to me and I see all this domestic violence in and I don't know how to help.  This couple is like 20 years older than I am so in there 50's and 60's and still going through it.  So it makes me think, when does the misery end? when in life do you finally feel satisfied? are we in an ever ending battle of misery til death? what do we as humans need for happiness? I mean some days I am in complete happiness, I am totally satisfied! then others I feel like I need to be doing something more, something greater! Maslows Hierarchy of needs in full affect! like when is it enough? these two people have it all to the normal people.  They have a beautiful big house, money, all their necessities met, nice car, family, goods needed for survival and then some and most of all, health! and yet, they aren't happy! then what gives? what is wrong with this world? why are we always seeking more? what is it about what we have right now that isn't enough? it's pretty sick! I can't even begin to wrap my head around this! am I going to continue to live this life and still want more? why can't I be happy with what I have now? what is it about now that doesn't fulfill me? why do I need more?

I am writing this post while drinking some wine! i'm sitting on my bed and pondering on life and wondering why life is so miserable and why I don't believe in god anymore and why I think it's a big fraud to think that some higher being runs my mother fucking life and supposedly runs me and is doing it to show me some purpose? FUCK all of that! I challenge that thought and all the ignorance that thought holds! I can't even stand the fact that people say that sometimes! like yea OK! you go ahead and believe that some higher being is making you go through this for a reason! NO! you mentally do this to YOU! only YOU have power over that! so yeah, this post is ranting and raving but FUCK all the thoughts of happiness! I AM happy! cause I run MY life! and this year is my chance to write my own story yet again! as they say in the internet, 365 pages full of awesomeness! and I WILL make it awesome cause I evolved from something and I will live my life to the fullest one day at a time till the day I evolve into something else like my owners cat! HA!