Dear Journal -
You would think that at my age I've seen it all! but no, there are still things that awe me! like, for instance, someone you know in their mid 60's still doing things like cheating! and no, nobody cheated on me, I am a single woman, yes AGAIN! I feel ok about it, cause it's better to be alone than with someone you aren't feeling compatible with. I just have one thing to say about my last short lived relationship. It wasn't great, it wasn't awful, it was just not right for me. I was very smitten at first and very happy, but soon I was also very consumed and very sucked in. I don't need to hear how great I am constantly, or how beautiful I am to someone. I just need to feel that I am in the same place with that person. Like are we both getting the same thing out of this or are you consumed in me? do you love yourself before you can love me? I think at this point in my life that is the most important question I can ask. I don't even think I need love that way anymore to be honest. I'm numb to most human emotion. By that I mean that I've heard some stories that have completely broken me. The women I help each and everyday at work have a sad story that breaks my heart, or does it? can I actually relate cause I've been there but not really? I don't want to get into this topic. I just feel that I am better off alone right now and that the person I decided not to be with anymore, isn't a bad person, or a mean person, just not the right person for me.
This blog post is about another couple that is very close to me and I see all this domestic violence in and I don't know how to help. This couple is like 20 years older than I am so in there 50's and 60's and still going through it. So it makes me think, when does the misery end? when in life do you finally feel satisfied? are we in an ever ending battle of misery til death? what do we as humans need for happiness? I mean some days I am in complete happiness, I am totally satisfied! then others I feel like I need to be doing something more, something greater! Maslows Hierarchy of needs in full affect! like when is it enough? these two people have it all to the normal people. They have a beautiful big house, money, all their necessities met, nice car, family, goods needed for survival and then some and most of all, health! and yet, they aren't happy! then what gives? what is wrong with this world? why are we always seeking more? what is it about what we have right now that isn't enough? it's pretty sick! I can't even begin to wrap my head around this! am I going to continue to live this life and still want more? why can't I be happy with what I have now? what is it about now that doesn't fulfill me? why do I need more?
I am writing this post while drinking some wine! i'm sitting on my bed and pondering on life and wondering why life is so miserable and why I don't believe in god anymore and why I think it's a big fraud to think that some higher being runs my mother fucking life and supposedly runs me and is doing it to show me some purpose? FUCK all of that! I challenge that thought and all the ignorance that thought holds! I can't even stand the fact that people say that sometimes! like yea OK! you go ahead and believe that some higher being is making you go through this for a reason! NO! you mentally do this to YOU! only YOU have power over that! so yeah, this post is ranting and raving but FUCK all the thoughts of happiness! I AM happy! cause I run MY life! and this year is my chance to write my own story yet again! as they say in the internet, 365 pages full of awesomeness! and I WILL make it awesome cause I evolved from something and I will live my life to the fullest one day at a time till the day I evolve into something else like my owners cat! HA!
You would think that at my age I've seen it all! but no, there are still things that awe me! like, for instance, someone you know in their mid 60's still doing things like cheating! and no, nobody cheated on me, I am a single woman, yes AGAIN! I feel ok about it, cause it's better to be alone than with someone you aren't feeling compatible with. I just have one thing to say about my last short lived relationship. It wasn't great, it wasn't awful, it was just not right for me. I was very smitten at first and very happy, but soon I was also very consumed and very sucked in. I don't need to hear how great I am constantly, or how beautiful I am to someone. I just need to feel that I am in the same place with that person. Like are we both getting the same thing out of this or are you consumed in me? do you love yourself before you can love me? I think at this point in my life that is the most important question I can ask. I don't even think I need love that way anymore to be honest. I'm numb to most human emotion. By that I mean that I've heard some stories that have completely broken me. The women I help each and everyday at work have a sad story that breaks my heart, or does it? can I actually relate cause I've been there but not really? I don't want to get into this topic. I just feel that I am better off alone right now and that the person I decided not to be with anymore, isn't a bad person, or a mean person, just not the right person for me.
This blog post is about another couple that is very close to me and I see all this domestic violence in and I don't know how to help. This couple is like 20 years older than I am so in there 50's and 60's and still going through it. So it makes me think, when does the misery end? when in life do you finally feel satisfied? are we in an ever ending battle of misery til death? what do we as humans need for happiness? I mean some days I am in complete happiness, I am totally satisfied! then others I feel like I need to be doing something more, something greater! Maslows Hierarchy of needs in full affect! like when is it enough? these two people have it all to the normal people. They have a beautiful big house, money, all their necessities met, nice car, family, goods needed for survival and then some and most of all, health! and yet, they aren't happy! then what gives? what is wrong with this world? why are we always seeking more? what is it about what we have right now that isn't enough? it's pretty sick! I can't even begin to wrap my head around this! am I going to continue to live this life and still want more? why can't I be happy with what I have now? what is it about now that doesn't fulfill me? why do I need more?
I am writing this post while drinking some wine! i'm sitting on my bed and pondering on life and wondering why life is so miserable and why I don't believe in god anymore and why I think it's a big fraud to think that some higher being runs my mother fucking life and supposedly runs me and is doing it to show me some purpose? FUCK all of that! I challenge that thought and all the ignorance that thought holds! I can't even stand the fact that people say that sometimes! like yea OK! you go ahead and believe that some higher being is making you go through this for a reason! NO! you mentally do this to YOU! only YOU have power over that! so yeah, this post is ranting and raving but FUCK all the thoughts of happiness! I AM happy! cause I run MY life! and this year is my chance to write my own story yet again! as they say in the internet, 365 pages full of awesomeness! and I WILL make it awesome cause I evolved from something and I will live my life to the fullest one day at a time till the day I evolve into something else like my owners cat! HA!
