Thursday, May 16, 2013

Dear Journal - May 16, 2013

Dear Journal:

For some strange reason, I always write my best while on the train.  For my creative writing class which ended yesterday and I must admit I'm a little sad about that, I had to write a short story and one of the characters I described, was a woman I saw on my way to class one day.  I literally kept staring at her describing her, because I thought she was so beautiful, she seriously needed to be in my story.  It is also easier to describe something or someone you are looking at, then creating a character out of nothing at least for me.   The best part about creating a character out of a stranger, was that I got to make her up, I was able to create someone fake out of someone real, that was really cool!

Speaking of someone fake and someone real, anyone who reads this post must see the movie Ruby Sparks! that movie was freaking cool as hell! I don't want to get into the details of the movie, but it's basically about a writer who writes a character who comes to life.  Ok, I know that's been done before I feel like, but, because I write, I loved the movie, but here is the coolest part about the whole thing and the reason why I'm even bringing it up. 


Last weekend I was in downtown Brooklyn picking my daughter up from her acting class.  My daughter is 5 and she spends most of her time singing, so I decided to sacrifice my Saturday late sleep, so that she could take a kid acting/singing class.  Anywho, I'm walking with her, and since I observe everything around me, I see this guy and I think, where do I know him from? and then as he walks past me, I realize it's the main actor from the movie Ruby Sparks! So I'm like thinking to myself, of course!... Holy shit! that's him, that's him! feeling a little star struck! I felt start struck, but what was most exciting to me, was that before I saw the movie or the reason why I even saw the movie, was because I read an article about it, and in the article they were talking about how the writer of the movie, also played in it and they were interviewing the writer asking him how it felt to act in something he wrote.  So, I was excited to meet the writer of this movie, who also happened to act in it, or so I thought.

So, what did I do you ask Journal??? well! I did anything any normal person would do, I ran after the dude! and when I caught up to him, I was like, hi, staring at him looking a bit out of breath and a bit crazy with a child in a stroller, which is why I think he stopped, he thought I was "safe" so I extend my hand out and say, I'm Jazzy nice to meet you, I saw that movie you wrote and I absolutely loved it... I'm so sorry what's your name? (I NEVER remember names) so there I was asking a famous guy what his name was! So, he tells me his name is Paul and then I looked it up and found out his last name is (Dano) so he shakes my hand and says thank you, and I'm like, I really enjoy writing so it's such a pleasure to meet you! Great story! and he's very modest and is like oh great thank you! and so I tell him to have a great day and begin to walk away, and now I'm like, ok I have to tell someone about this, but I have to google him because I have no idea what his name is.  I google him and guess what journal??? He isn't the actual writer! WHAT THE FUCK! actually, he was just the lead actor! so the whole time as I was shaking his hand he was probably like... what is this woman talking about? and he might of even thought, great, she thinks I'm a writer and I'm actually an actor! Nice! regardless of what he thought, I looked like an idiot! but it was still awesome to meet him I just wish I would of given him the proper credit he deserved, instead of confusing him as someone else.

Journal, I'm sorry I've been neglecting you lately, I write all the time but I have just been so busy because it's the end of the semester, and quite honestly, I'm so stressed out about my statistics final, that writing that word made me nauseous.  It's pretty bad! I have to admit though, it will be a great relief when this episode of my life is finally over and I can talk about how my statistics class was so crazy! My friend always says, don't even say that word around me! YES! It sucks THAT BAD!

In other Jazzy news, I will be going away in a few weeks and I cannot wait! I need a little break, I'm very excited.

That's about it for now journal...

Over and Out!







Thursday, May 9, 2013

THE CREEP




He creeps up on you without any notice, and just when you thought he was gone, you turn and there he is, right next to you, what, huh, it never happened, don't talk to me, no, please stay......

You creep, how can you think it is easy, to come back just like that, to creep up on me like a thief in the night, who comes inside, covers your mouth and looks in your eyes.  And you thief, yes you stole, I feel anger I feel scared, I feel fear I feel desire, I feel burning I feel tired.  I can't fight, please just take me, I'm scared this desire, this burning, this yearning...Creep you repulse me, no I want you, it hurts…

I’m not your friend creep, I’m not your friend.  I’m not your lover, I’m not your neighbor, I’m not the same.  And your presence confuses me and your presence hurts and your presence disturbs me and your presence burns and I want you near me and I want you far and your constantly in me but I want you gone.

This fight, this fight, this fight inside, I hate you creep, I hate you so, I want you creep, please don’t ever go.

Go creep! Disappear! Abra kadabra and your near, go creep don’t come near, you hurt me for so long. Go creep, leave me, stay here please don't go.
 
Go creep just leave me, pretend we never were, go go stay away I just want you really far, no please, please don't go I want you to stay, why can't I just forget.  Stay far hold me close, stay far please don’t go, stay far, please be near, I can’t deal with all this fear.  

 I’m confused, I am scared, stay away, just stay scared.  You’re the creep who hurt me, please forgive me go away, you’re the creep who hurt me, I beg you please lets forget.




Monday, May 6, 2013

Dear Journal: 5-6-13 ~ LOVE

Dear Journal:

When I was catholic, I would read the bible sometimes, as the bible is a beautiful book.  To me, it is a book full of philosophy and teachings of how we should live our lives.  Of course, some of the stuff in the bible is really outdated, I guess that is why different religious leaders, often have to make some adjustments to their religious rules, based on the things that are written on the bible that no longer apply to this generation.  At least that is what I think, but don't take my word for it, I do not study any religion, the only thing I practice is..........LOVE.....I practice love because love is that in your heart that helps you to make the right choices.  I am not referring to romantic love, that love sometimes makes you act all sorts of crazy, or at least it has made me act that way in the past.  I mean, LOVE as in Love yourself and Love others.

When I went to my cousins wedding last year, the priest read a scripture from the bible that I had heard in the past, but did not know it was from the bible, I always thought someone had made it up.  When I heard it at my cousins wedding, I made a mental note that I had to put the verse on my journal because it is absolutely beautiful! my cousin was married nearly a year ago, it took me THAT long to finally put it on here, but the reason why I remembered, was because I had a situation and I needed to make a decision, in order to make the right decision, I looked for the verse and it made my decision very simple.  I'm glad I looked for it, I want to keep it on this journal to remind me that LOVE IS AMAZING! 



1 Corinthians 13: 4-13   

Love is patient 
Love is kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud
It is not rude
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth
It always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres
LOVE NEVER FAILS

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Dear Journal: 5-2-13

"Be kind whenever possible it is always possible" ~ Dalai Lama

I wasn't kind with my words, but not only to my niece, but also to my ex.  I guess you can say I had some serious baby daddy drama with the father of my nearly 19 year old son.  I guess "baby daddy drama" never truly goes away, we won't always see eye to eye when it comest to our son, but the one thing I need to always remember is that we both have only but his best interest at heart.  Journal, I am no where near perfect, I have a disgusting temper that I myself hate myself when I see that vicious side of me, it's like the devil himself in my body and I cannot control it, it is horrible and I try.  But, when I bring out the devil in another person, that makes me feel even worse and I did that a whole lot this week, this has not been a good week and I don't feel good about that.  I don't know what else to write, I am a bit down.

I am stressing about my statistics final and I have to write a screen play and another story for my writing class.  I have been writing my screen play on the train on my iphone, I feel like that is the only time where all these ideas flood into my head about the story I am writing.  I got a B on my other story, my professor said that it was too much like a journal... DUH! that's the only way I know how to write, so no I am not happy about the B and I am not happy that I cannot step out of my comfort zone and write something great, something meaningful, and something not real, something made up in my mind, a piece of my imagination on a piece of paper! and what of all the ideas I would write about in my head about Benjamin and I, about how it would be the day when I finally would be next to him and we could both feel like we belonged, I had so many stories about the two of us that I had created in my mind, where are they now? and how come I can't make them get out of my head and on to a paper.

I went to the theatre at my college this week and saw a play, it was ok., it was a bit crazy but I don't mind crazy, I just feel like in life we all want to have a clear explanation about everything that happens, who cares if it isn't a clear explanation, why can't we all just BE! other than that I don't have much more to say.  It hasn't been a good week, but I said I was sorry, many times and if people don't know how to forgive, then they have a problem, I don't, because when I forgive, I mean it and if I am not going to mean it, then I don't say that I am forgiving the person.  One of my friends told me that it isn't good to tell the truth out loud sometimes, well I am sorry, but I don't know how to lie, especially to the people I love and maybe my truth or the way I tell the truth might not be the best way of telling the truth, but at least I am doing it because I am thinking about the best interest of the person who I am telling the truth too.  What else am I supposed to do journal? I don't get it.

It hasn't been a good week, but like my friend told me last night, that is now the past.  He is right, I apologized for my wrong doings and it is now in the past, my past and if people want to dwell and hold grudges, then that is on them.  Tomorrow will be Friday! FRIDAY! YES!

Sweet dreams!

What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...