Thursday, October 23, 2014

HIGH ALL THE TIME.........

Dear Journal -

The song habits, made me cry the other morning on my way to work and then again a few days later while I was getting ready for work.  The first time it made me cry, was because as I was driving to work and listening to the song, I kept looking at all the beauty that surrounds me during my drive.  Mountains as far as the eye can see.  Beautiful fall colors, amazing animals like brown horses with white patches waging their tails as they enjoy their morning grass.  The fresh air hitting my face and smells of all sorts of nature. I AM SO HAPPY IN COLORADO! I can't even begin to express it.  And I thought of my friend who I met three years ago and told me I should move here and I felt deeply sad that well, It was just an emotional moment.

But the song doesn't really remind me of this me, it more so reminds me of a Jazzy that I once knew.  I young lost confused soul, trying to find happiness in love, trying to find happiness by having someone to give her a reason to live and breath.  So the second time I cried I thought of that Jazzy and of him, my once love Dev and I thought of how he stayed high for years to keep his dad off his mind, the man whom he loved more than life itself, the man he lost when he was only 18 years old.  And like magic we found each other and made a beautiful son who became his new reason, yet not even that could keep that hurt out of his heart and so he had to stay high, high until just recently when he decided that life had more for him and he entered rehab and will come out of their a clean, sober and not afraid man.  Finally he will face reality without anything to take away the pain, he will be ok with everything because he has hurt for so long that, he deserves the happiness that will be coming to him.  I am so proud of the choice he made, the choice of life.

I can go on and on about this but I am really tired and I also don't want to write anything else about him because it's not my place too.  However, I love him immensely and know that he will do this, he will be clean after 20 years.  God I cried so hard with this song!

I don't know how to heal from a broken heart, because I haven't had a true broken heart in many many years.  The last broken heart I had was well.... I don't want to ever write that persons name on my blog ever again, but if you have read my journal you know the name all to well.  That was a really hard broken heart to mend, but here I am alive and well and writing about it.  I guess the only advice I can give at my old age (I'm 43) is, that if you have a broken heart, drugs won't mend it.  Drugs might take away the pain for one, two, three maybe even 20 years, but the only way to truly heal is by facing the hurt, by accepting it and by living day by day like it's your last and hoping that someday somehow, it will be better.  Remember, this too shall pass......

I leave you with......

Habits
by: Tove Lo

p.s. this song reminds me of a song that used to make me cry when I broke up with my son's dad....Dev. 

Bad Girl
By: Madonna





Saturday, October 11, 2014

To Sir With Love

Dear Journal:

I woke up this morning thinking about Psychology and how much I love and miss studying it.  It has been 10 months now since I got my Bachelor's degree and it feels great! I finally feel like I am part of something great.  I feel like I did something that makes me feel happy.  I learned so many wonderful things.  

I was going through some old new emails this morning reading articles on Psychology, and I stumbled upon a poem that I wrote last year when I was about to take one of my last finals in order to complete my four year tenure at Brooklyn College.  I am now living in Colorado and I love it here so much, but I do miss my days at the college, they were definitely unforgettable.

I remember that while I was studying for this one final, I kept thinking that through out those four years I had taken the advice of my favorite professor, and followed his advice on how to study for tests. While I was thinking of him, I came up with the poem below. Thinking of him inspired me! I took him for my introduction to Psychology class and after taking his class, I loved Psychology even more! This poem is dedicated to the best professor ever!


To: Professor Matthew Erdelyi with love.
Poem: Test Time


Test time, crunch time, stress time, book time.

I learned nothing but it's all inside.  Short term memory I no longer have, long term memory a little at a time.

I'll remember something, I'll know a few things, I'll think of professor, my great professor Erdelyi....
He said I could do it regardless of age, he told me get to it don't ever regress.  He believed in me when I no longer could, he took time to sit with me and told me I would....

Remember he said, just read it and learn.  Remember he said the page it is on.  Memorize the colors and the site where you saw it, build a mental picture and I'm sure you will know it.

I know you can do it, I know that you can! Remember how magically you will feel in the end! 

I thank you my Erdelyi for teaching me all! I'll do it, I'll do it! I know that I can! I'll remember pictures and words and the meanings, I'll remember moments and jargon and dreaming!

I know that I will, I will make you real proud! 

Thank you Professor Erdelyi for believing in me! I thank you forever, for standing by me!



Saturday, October 4, 2014

MAPS

Dear Journal -

This song, I love it! it makes me think of something yet I'm not sure who or what.  I feel lost in my heart, and numb and uncaring.  When it comes to romance, my heart is empty and my soul lives because it's eternal.  I had a moment, the moment passed and now it's just the present, and every day I think not of anyone, no one is worth the time to think of them, life is good and all in all I am truly happy.

Maps - Maroon 5




What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...