Dear Journal:

"This above all, to thine own self be true." ~ Shakespeare

I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore - REO Speedwagon -   
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nd4j1Ms1VYE

Dear Journal: SLOPPY SATURDAY!

"Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the conquest of it." ~ Anonymous

Dear Journal:

I have to say that I am really really enjoying myself lately! The best part of enjoying myself is that I always end up having quite the story to share with you.  I seriously NEVER have a dull moment when I go out.

I had said that I was going to go into my shell for the winter and just hibernate as I have done the past few years, but then I decided, that it is very important that I maintain some balance in my life and not become “THAT WOMAN” (the one that gets into a shell and gets wrapped up in her children and school and has no social life). Instead, I want to do stuff and enjoy myself whenever possible.  Furthermore, I like being social and this whole cyber social life that I was having before, has gotten boring.   

I need to go out in the world and talk to actual people, see their smiles, feel their warmth and feel alive! The thing is, that I don’t like to go to bars and get picked up, I honestly hate that.  I don’t want to meet “the man of my dreams” (not that I have one) but I don’t want to meet men at bars, I go to bars and I try to stay away from men, because they just manage to annoy me with their lame pick up lines that I can almost recite with them.  Additionally, I HATE allowing men to buy me drinks, because then I feel like I’m stuck having to hang out with someone that I probably WON’T LIKE! I NEVER like anyone! and If I don’t like you, I NEVER WILL! I’m sorry I am picky what can I say? That’s the truth and it’s a fact! don’t waste your time on me, use that energy to try and get laid elsewhere.  Do I sound bitter?

Still, I decided that I want to go out whenever possible and dance the night away, and that is EXACTLY what I did on Saturday night! I met my two (one male one female) awesome friends for drinks at a local bar and danced like a rock star! My awesome buddy bought my friend and I each a rose and we chatted about all sorts of topics! I LOVE MY FRIENDS!

But then it happened! along came the guy that wasn’t going to at least NOT TRY to pick me up.  So he comes over to my friend and I with some lame line that I can’t remember, but says that I look intimidating like I’m the type of woman that will just knock someone one out but in a very sexy way! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???? I must admit that people misjudge me SOOO BAD! it sort of hurts me.  I am so not the girl that will beat someone up.  I used to be, I don’t allow anyone to step all over me.  I am not someone that is out to hurt a man or anyone for that matter and definitely not out to physically harm anyone.  I try to be honest and sincere and I try my best not to mislead anyone.   

Either way, after I tried avoiding the dude for the rest of the night, at one point everyone was talking to everyone and he came back trying again, so I decided to chat with him because I didn’t want to be rude or that woman that thinks she is too good for people (which I don’t).  But I just don’t want to be bothered, REALLY! I go out to enjoy myself not to pick anyone up or get picked up.  I just want to dance dammit!

So the dude starts telling me his whole sob story which now I’m getting all into the conversation going OMG! I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN! and am also thinking, dude, if you ever had a chance with me (which he never did) but if you had one and then I heard all this drama in your life, you would DEFINITELY NOT HAVE A CHANCE! 

Can I just say my dear journal that I run away from drama.  I do, because I think that drama can be avoided just by effective communication and so when I feel that effective communication isn’t possible, I just truly can’t deal.  Life can be simple, we make it crazy! By the end of the night, he and I exchanged numbers only because he was a lawyer and you never know if you need one and because he told me about something I was very interested in finding more information about.  However, later on I get all these text messages from him and a concerned phone call saying I am calling to check up on you and at that point I had to do what I felt I should of just done from the get go, I had to lie (insert sad face here) because I HATE TO LIE! But what else was I supposed to do? I sent him a txt message the next morning, because I knew he was going to start wasting his time on me and I said to him that everything was fine thank you for your concern and that the guy he had seen me with (he saw me with a friend standing by my car) was the man I was seeing (I’m not really seeing him) so he had made sure I was safe.  Well, that was the end of him! thank goodness! 

But the best part of my night was not that, the best part of my night was hanging out with my boy BF! (those are the initials to his real name) I haven’t known BF for long, but I have to say that he is the sweetest coolest guy in the whole wide world! he is my bar buddy! I seriously love hanging out with him because when I am with him, guys don’t try to pick me up and in turn, I try to meet girls to hook him up, it’s AWESOME! and a win win situation! I LOVE IT! so BF sends me a message and tells me he is coming to meet up with me, we meet up and have a few drinks, I’m talking to Mr. Lawyer hearing his sob story and he meets my other friends and everyone is just chatting the night away (Mr. lawyer interrupted my dancing!) I notice that BF got to me rather quickly and I’m like how the hell you manage to do that? so he informs me that he got his new ride.  I walk with him outside the bar, and there it is! a brand spanking new 2012 black sexy ride that is just as smooth as he! I am all excited for him and congratulate him on a job well done and we go back to party.  

Finally it’s time to go so my bud asks me if I’m hungry because he wants to go to the diner.  DUH! you don’t need to ask me twice to eat at 4:30 in the morning! So I say goodbye to my other friends and I go with my bud in his brand spanking new pimp ride and we start talking about my all time favorite topic… LOVE!

BF confides in me something that I asked him if it was ok for me to share, because I have to share such lovely story.  He told me about a girl and the whole time he was talking about her, I could not help but to notice his GLOW! Oh my God! he spoke about her with such enthusiasm, his face glowed his eyes glowed he couldn’t stop smiling and all the while, I noticed the physiological affect of love! just like in said in my book on Social Psychology and my professor taught us! I LOVE PSYCHOLOGY! all I could think was.  OH MY! I hope one day some guy will talk about me that way.   I have to say that I love when a guy talks about a woman in a wonderful way.  Men love just as much as women do, they just do it very differently.  I love this sort of stuff! maybe I should go into couples therapy?

He continues, that he has known this girl all of his life and how he knows in his heart, that she is the girl that he will pack up his bags and go wherever he needs to be just to be with her! YOU SEE! These stories do exist! It isn’t only in the movies!!! I LOVE IT!  So I am like oh cool! So you are seeing each other? And he’s like well not really, so I’m like ok! Does she know how you feel? He’s like not really! ok well, have you two ever been intimate? Well no not really.  Now I’m like, well why not? And he’s like, I don’t know how to tell her.  so I’m like, ALRIGHTY THEN! so you are ready to pick up and move out of state, for a friend that doesn’t know your plans, because you are scared to tell her? AWESOME! 

So of course he asks me for my advice and what did Jazzy say?...............

I said dude! the next time you see that woman, YOU BETTER! tell her how you feel! how will she ever know if you don’t say anything? DO NOT stay in the dangerous “friend” zone, you want to be the boyfriend/future husband, not the best man at her wedding! WHAT THE HELL! Then I told him about Stoic belief (look it up) and told him that the worst that could happen was her not feeling the same way, but at least he would know and could keep it moving.  God I wish I could take my own advice sometimes!

Fear is really really truly and impediment to one’s happiness sometimes.  I have lost out on so many wonderful things do to fear.  I struggle with my fear of commitment and love every day of my life, because I need to overcome it so that one day I can give someone wonderful my all.  I truly believe, that If you love someone, tell them! don’t wait for a year or years to pass you by living in silence.  What if the person you are loving is waiting for you to show it, or say it.  What if that person wants just that from you because they are dying to give that back to you.  It’s good to take chances, if you fall, get up, dust off and keep trying! LOVE WITHOUT FEAR!

My night ended with my buddy dropping me off in front of my building in his brand spanking new car, and me walking out of it with a big smile and holding a rose! I can only imagine what my neighbors would of thought if they saw me.  

Oh yeah, I also hyperventilated at one point after being dropped off, but that is a whole other blog post! Just know dear journal that Jazzy is working on de-crazy-ing herself, (de-crazy) made up word by me! and I shall one day be able to live a normal non-crazy life!

All in all, a most wonderful night! I LOVE THE REAL WORLD!

Information Society - Running

So my friend is into all music, but really enjoys old school music and he made me think of, well... Old school music.  I want to have a nice collection of songs I enjoy or have enjoyed throughout the years on my blog.  This one is definitely an oldy but straight up goodie!

Iformation Society - Running

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwzauHkCueQ

The Jets - Crush on You

Dear Jazzy:

Next time you have a crush on someone, don't tell them! because after that, it's downhill and they act.... LOCO!!!!! 

Although I don't usually really ever crush on anyone, like for real crushing.  I joke around that I am crushing on someone, but it's usually that I think they are handsome.  Thinking someone is good looking and actually crushing is two totally different things! This one though, this is a real real crush.  UGH! GO AWAY STUPID CRUSH! 

Note to self: Next time keep the crush to yourself and try to act calm and collective as if you aren't nervous every time you see him.  Standing around with a blank stare on one's face is pretty pathetic and embarrassing! CALMN AND COLLECTIVE! HMMMMM!!! ok.

I liked the way we danced, one of the most romantic moments of my life.  I just hope one day, we will dance again.  Who knows.....

The Jets - Crush on you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oy10rRJ0Cuk

Dear Journal: 9/21/12 - That's all I have to give!

“Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion.” ~ Mirabeau

Dear Journal:

September 21, 2012 

I lost my mojo! Or is it MOYO?  So after I wrote the word Mojo, I had to look it up to see what it means and unbeknownst to me, it turns out that the word “MOJO” is a magical charm bag used in hoodoo! And “HOODOO” is a predominantly African American traditional folk magic! That developed from a number of different cultural beliefs on magic! AWESOME! you see, you CAN learn something from reading Jazzy’s Journal! AND! I just, so you know, googled all that info! I LOVE IT!

I always do things like that, if I don’t know what something means, or what a word means or what it’s referring to, I have to absolutely and must look it up immediately and just absorb the knowledge.  I have a list of words I need to look up, whenever my professors talk and I don't know a word they said, I write it down immediately.  I hope to expand my vocabulary and I love to learn new things! Of course, if you ask me tomorrow, I would of probably forgotten by then, still, at least I try! That is all I can do. 

Ok, so I wanted to write this “quick” post, because the other day I thought that I was going to post a picture on my journal, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/09/dear-journal-9-18-12.html because it was someone’s birthday and I wanted to draw it.  Well, turns out that I can’t bring myself to do it, I started to, but I just can’t.   

Furthermore, I am also realizing that my inspiration lately is not coming from him anymore, but rather it’s coming from something else, something that I can’t bring myself to admit, so instead, I turn away from it and pretend it’s not there in front of my face.  I feel like we all do these things sometimes, we try to ignore what's in front of us because we are afraid.  It’s just easier and less scary to face certain things that are too close for comfort.  Or maybe not that it's too close for comfort, but so scary, scary is definitely a good word to use right about now.  I know I am not making sense.   But I am just really happy that I am able to acknowledge at least on my journal, that other people and things can inspire me deeply.  That makes me feel extremely happy, because it means that I am slowly moving on and moving on is always something great!

It’s his birthday and I wasn’t going to call/write/sing or dance, because well, “he doesn’t deserve it” but then I thought about my Practical Philosophy class and all that I learned there and I was walking out of the subway and in that moment, I knew what I had to do, it just came to me.  So, I grabbed my phone out of my bag and I made a call.  On the other end, I heard a ring and then I heard a voicemail and when I did, I wished the person a wonderful birthday, full of love and happiness. I did so, with sincerity and love, because I meant it.   

I don’t know what it is that I did to this individual to make him act towards me the way he has all of these years, but I will not allow his behavior towards me, change me and who I am.  I am a loving individual, I love to make people smile and feel good.  I further love all human beings, no matter what they may have done to me.  I forgive, I try to be kind and generous, I try to be honest and sincere.  So, I did what I felt in my heart was the right thing to do.  I don’t know if I will ever be able to finish that picture that I so badly want to draw, maybe I will maybe I won’t.  None the less, I felt inclined to show someone love, because love is all that I have to give.

I feel good! And I am happy! and at the end of the day, that is all that matters. 

Dear Journal: My Sugar Daddy!

“What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things.” ~ Anonymous

Dear Journal:

I wish so bad I could tell you how much fun I’m having and how exciting my life has been lately, but I’m afraid to say that the most fun I have had in the last few days, was laughing so hard in one of my classes when my professor gave us a handout that had a list of “God’s rules” (this is for my Jewish Diaspora class, which is awesome).  One of the rules is, that it is a sin to engage in sexual activity if you are not married.  When I read that, I laughed because I figured we are all going to hell! OH DAMN! That sucks!

Other than that, I am currently on my usual fall routine, which gets tiring and boring real fast.  Work, school, kids! work, school, kids! and more work, school, kids! My birthday is in a few weeks and I am really bummed because I usually go away for my birthday and this year I cannot, and that just plain sucks! Sometimes, I think about getting a “sugar daddy” YES a “sugar daddy!” I know for a fact that if I really wanted to, I probably could, it’s pretty easy for a woman to do stuff like that, at least I think so.   All it would take is probably a Craig list ad and I’m sure that pretty much any woman could find one.  Sometimes I honestly get so sad about the fact that there are some seriously lonely people in NYC, like honestly! being on dating sites, I am constantly amazed at how many lonely men there are in this world! It’s crazy!

However, although I may talk the talk and walk the walk, I probably wouldn’t be able to go through with it.  I could NEVER, use someone for their money.  I think that is a pretty crummy thing to do.  Additionally, I can’t imagine having a sexual relationship with someone I am not attracted to.  I am not judging, but I don’t know how some women do it.  That takes a hell of a lot of balls!

When I think of a “sugar daddy” a story comes to my mind.  This happened to me about three years ago on a flight from NY to Colombia.  So I get on the plane and I sit down and have my headphones on, and in comes this man who I would say was in maybe his mid to late 50’s, decent looking man for his age.  It so happens, that he is assigned the seat next to mine and the minute I saw the way he looked at me when he saw he was sitting next to me, I thought to myself, OH MY GOD! this is going to be a LONG ride! For starters, men from my country in general are natural flirts and I have to admit they do have a certain “swag” (I’m not sure what “swag” means, but my teenage son uses the word so I think it means cool) about them.  Latin men in general in my opinion just have this certain I don’t know, spice about them, they just know how to tell a woman all the things they want to hear, but that’s EXACTLY the problem, they tell you what they think you want to hear and in my case, I honestly don’t want to hear shit! I’m being real, I don’t want to hear anything you have to say unless you’re being genuine, I hate all that game talk, it’s such a waste of my time.   

However, because I am not rude and he greeted me very nicely, I decided that I would not judge him based on all the rest of the Colombian men in this world and I would be pleasant. WELL!  the next thing I knew, he was buying me drinks on the plane, we were laughing and carrying on and we were talking about all his business trip adventures! THIS MAN HAD SWAG!  He told me about his trips to Europe, Asia, Africa and I could tell it wasn’t BS, like he was really educated, not Sleazy.  He wasn’t “rich” I don’t think, but he was definitely comfortable.  I cannot deny, that my mind started racing! I kept thinking OH MY GOD! I would totally let him be my “sugar daddy” and then I would tell myself OH MY GOD! I can’t believe I’m thinking this! And then again I would be like OH MY GOD! this would be such an awesome experience! But again I would think! OH MY GOD! this is soooo not me! For the majority of the plane ride, those are the thoughts that kept going on in my mind, because the truth is, that although he wasn’t a horrible looking man, he definitely wasn’t someone I would want to roll around a bed (aka have sex with) however, the fact that he was very educated and had money, automatically made him look better! And I know that is a terrible thing to think, but well I was thinking that, and I was and still am struggling financially, so, if someone wanted to take care of me, then why not?  Hey, this after all is my mind and well, I do have a very active imagination…. SOOOO…

After talking to him for the whole flight, we were finally about to get to the capital of Colombia (Bogota) which was his final destination (I had another flight to catch) so he tells me that he was staying there, but that he would buy me a plane ticket so that I could come back sometime that week and see him and we could hang out.  But then, in addition to that, he also said…….. “I am only staying here for the week, because after that I am meeting my WIFE in Japan” In that moment I was like WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!! (in my head) and I’m sure I made a face like HUH? and all I could think of was…… YOU MUST REALLY THINK I’M DESPERATE! In addition to me thinking WHAT THE FUCK!  automatically, my little fairy tale “sugar daddy “ situation, came crumbling down right before my eyes.  There in that plane, on that trip, I played out a whole story in my mind, one, that was NEVER going to happen.  

By this point, he already had my phone number, so I just smiled politely, knowing in my mind, that I would NEVER EVER get involved with a married man.  I have very strong, strict rules about that.  To each his own, but me personally, I just can’t do that, I can’t be the mistress… Jazzy does not roll like that! So I politely smiled and pretended that my little fantasy hadn’t just come crashing down and I was like OH COOL! because I honestly did not know what the hell else to say.  The plane finally landed and we said our goodbyes! My “sugar daddy” dream, walked out of my life as fast as it had walked in!

That night I finally got home to my grandma’s house and told her about my adventure, we all (my cousins were there also) laughed so hard and they made fun of my “future exotic trips” I did not get my “sugar daddy” but I sure had fun having imaginary adventures with him, it was hilarious! I got a call from him a few days later and I told my mom to please tell him that I was with “my boyfriend” the non-existent “boyfriend” I had thought of so that he would stop calling me.  Sometimes in life, it’s better to keep our two feet on the ground, then to allow our necessities to put us in situations that we may end up loosing control over.  I think I did the right thing.  Maybe I didn’t get myself a “sugar daddy” on that flight, but I sure got myself a good laugh and a good story……

The End.

Dear Journal: 9-18-12

"There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you" ~ David Burns

Dear Journal:

I have been writing quite often lately because I feel that I was sort of stuck for a while.  I was sort of in a rut, because I was going through that whole 28 days to let go of my addiction thing http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/28-days-to-overcome-addiction.html and I almost couldn’t write.  Lately however, I just can’t stop.  The other day, I was talking to my co-worker and I was telling her that this week is Benjamin’s Birthday (remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html) and I kept telling her, that because I am so creative, when I love someone I can think of a million awesome things to do for that person, to make them smile.  While he and I were friends, I did so many little things, that I am quite sure that his mind was constantly blown away.  What he did not know, was that not everyone gets that from me and only someone who I sincerely have genuine feelings for romantically or like my friends who I truly love, can truly inspire me and make me want to do the little things that mean a lot.  Lately though, I have been holding back on things that I want to do, not only for him, but for others as well, because I am trying to teach myself not to always be the giver.  It is important to me, to understand that in any sort of anything in life, you have to give and receive, because when you become the giver only, the other person automatically expects you to give always.  I learned that lesson the hard way, because my ex husband who I did everything for, once had the nerve to tell me that the reason why we broke up, was because when we had our, I guess last marital argument, I never went “looking for him” when he started sleeping in another room. 

WOW! The day he told me that, I could not believe my ears, but I understood where he was coming from.  He was so used to me being the giver that the minute I stopped giving, it made him feel like I was treating him wrong.  The problem was, that he had never given me anything back and when I finally got tired of giving, it made me appear as the “bad one” so, after I went through that separation and after everything was said and done, I realized that I was a natural giver.  I love to give, I actually wrote a post once, on the fact that my giving is for my own selfish reasons, me giving makes me feel good about me… Key word in that last sentence is ME.

But in these last few years, I am learning to be a 50/50 person.  This includes everyone in my life.  Friends, family, children everyone! with one exception, MY MOTHER! because my mother gives me 150% and I cannot even begin to repay her for her being so absolutely wonderful.  Other than that, I try to catch myself when I start being too giving with anyone and I don't feel that my giving is being reciprocated.  I want back what I am giving, because that is the foundation of a rewarding friendship, relationship or whatever.    

My family even noticed the change in me and they blame it on the fact that all of a sudden "I think I am better than others." but that is far from the truth, I am still the same person in the sense that I want to give it's just that all of a sudden, I realized that I was always giving and I never got back and most times was being taken for granted by those who I loved.  And when I say giving, I don’t mean material stuff.  I could care less about that, I am talking about little insignificant things like, call me too! why should I be the one always checking up on you? yes you are my aunt, uncle, sister, niece etc. but why is it that I have to be the one always initiating the call? I exist also, call me too every now and then! I do this also with my friends.  Example: I have this male friend who used to text me every morning to say hello and I would obviously respond.  Sometimes though, I would have the urge to send him a message first, because I honestly wanted to give him back the same kind of friendship he was offering me, but I would hold back because I sort of knew that he had romantic feelings for me and the last thing I am going to do, is lead someone on and play with their feelings.  I will not do to others, what I do not want to be done to me.  That’s how I roll! I didn’t want him to take my kindness or my friendship feelings for him, the wrong way, so I would always hold back because I didn’t want to mislead him. Yet I felt horrible, because I genuinely wanted to reach out to say hello.

One day though, I had a serious conversation with him and I told him that I did not feel any romantic feelings for him and that I would only always see him as a friend and that if he was capable of understanding and accepting, that no matter what he did I would never feel for him whatever it was he thought he felt for me, then we could stay friends, otherwise I would prefer to keep my distance.  He told me that he was ok with that situation, and so I began to give my friend, what he gives me and it made me feel so much better! I don’t text him every day and he doesn’t text me everyday anymore either, but now, whenever I feel inclined to reach out to him, I do so knowing that he knows exactly where he stands and that the reason why I am reaching out to him, is because he is my good friend that I love and I want to see how he is doing.  COMMUNICATION IS SOOOO AWESOME! We always have a good text conversation and every now and then we will talk on the phone and he always tells me his dirt and vice versa and it feels great! I am finally giving him, what he was giving me.  It feels pretty darn good!

What else journal, let me see….. Hmmm… OH! the other day I went to a country music concert and I heard a song that made me cry, it made me cry because I thought about Benjamin and all the times when as friends, we both gave.  With him, it always felt 50/50 and it was awesome! although at the end I was the one giving and that was because I ended up falling in love with him, due to him misleading me, although I sincerely believe that he didn’t do it on purpose and I have to also admit that I acted so crazy, because I was going through so much that I would of probably not wanted me either.   It just wasn’t the right time I guess, but I am done dwelling on it and I don’t think I’m ‘IN LOVE’ maybe with him anymore, but because he was the person I loved last and I still love as a human being, I can’t help but to think of him and I have been a lot more lately because this week is his birthday and I can’t even send him a message and wish him well.   

So, because I want so bad to do something for him even though he doesn’t speak to me, I decided that instead of repressing my feelings, I would do it anyway and instead of giving it to him, I will share it with you my wonderful journal.  What I am going to do or already started doing, is to draw a picture that I have had in my thoughts for over a year now, it’s a very specific picture of the way I feel, it is inspired in me by my thoughts of him.  I am not an artist in any way shape or form, I actually can barely draw.  My art professor however, assured us all that we can all draw if we really wanted to.  When I was growing up, I always loved to color and I always wanted to learn about art.  After taking my art class, I loved it that much more, Art is amazing! but what's more amazing about art, is the significance behind it.  While I was taking my art class we wrote to this artist and when he wrote us back, he said that sometimes he just drew it just came to him, but others, he definitely felt inspired by something or someone.  So I don’t draw very well, but I have this picture in my mind that I have to try to draw, as an adult, I feel like I need to express myself in more ways than one, so for the last about year, I have been thinking about this drawing that I want to draw for him.  I already started drawing it last night and hope to finish it in time for his birthday so that I can put it on here. 

Will he ever see it? I HAVE NO IDEA! But I will not allow anyone to take away from me, these deep desires that I have in my heart, I want to draw something for someone who meant something too deep for me to ignore and although he does not deserve it which is why I will never send it to him, I still want to do it, because I feel it in my heart.

I am ever so grateful to have you my sweet journal, because with you, I can share all of me! It is so awesome to know that I can come on here and share with you all of my deepest thoughts and hopes and dreams.  But I don’t know journal, sometimes I get this feeling that these words are being read by other eyes, I wonder why that is? When I loose myself in you, in my thoughts, I don’t much care if someone did read you, because I am ever so faithful to you and only you.   

This morning my mother told me that our privacy should not be shared with others, I disagree.  It is important to be able to express and to share and to hope that when you do so, you do so with people that don’t judge or are out to hurt you.  I believe in karma and therefore, if someone tries to hurt me with the things that I share, I know in my heart that there will be nothing that I will need to do, because the universe will take care of the things that try to hurt me.  I feel protected by god and love and I am completely comfortable if someone read every last page of you.

MY JOURNAL………MY TRUEST OF LOVE…….