"Be kind whenever possible it is always possible" ~ Dalai Lama
I wasn't kind with my words, but not only to my niece, but also to my ex. I guess you can say I had some serious baby daddy drama with the father of my nearly 19 year old son. I guess "baby daddy drama" never truly goes away, we won't always see eye to eye when it comest to our son, but the one thing I need to always remember is that we both have only but his best interest at heart. Journal, I am no where near perfect, I have a disgusting temper that I myself hate myself when I see that vicious side of me, it's like the devil himself in my body and I cannot control it, it is horrible and I try. But, when I bring out the devil in another person, that makes me feel even worse and I did that a whole lot this week, this has not been a good week and I don't feel good about that. I don't know what else to write, I am a bit down.
I am stressing about my statistics final and I have to write a screen play and another story for my writing class. I have been writing my screen play on the train on my iphone, I feel like that is the only time where all these ideas flood into my head about the story I am writing. I got a B on my other story, my professor said that it was too much like a journal... DUH! that's the only way I know how to write, so no I am not happy about the B and I am not happy that I cannot step out of my comfort zone and write something great, something meaningful, and something not real, something made up in my mind, a piece of my imagination on a piece of paper! and what of all the ideas I would write about in my head about Benjamin and I, about how it would be the day when I finally would be next to him and we could both feel like we belonged, I had so many stories about the two of us that I had created in my mind, where are they now? and how come I can't make them get out of my head and on to a paper.
I went to the theatre at my college this week and saw a play, it was ok., it was a bit crazy but I don't mind crazy, I just feel like in life we all want to have a clear explanation about everything that happens, who cares if it isn't a clear explanation, why can't we all just BE! other than that I don't have much more to say. It hasn't been a good week, but I said I was sorry, many times and if people don't know how to forgive, then they have a problem, I don't, because when I forgive, I mean it and if I am not going to mean it, then I don't say that I am forgiving the person. One of my friends told me that it isn't good to tell the truth out loud sometimes, well I am sorry, but I don't know how to lie, especially to the people I love and maybe my truth or the way I tell the truth might not be the best way of telling the truth, but at least I am doing it because I am thinking about the best interest of the person who I am telling the truth too. What else am I supposed to do journal? I don't get it.
It hasn't been a good week, but like my friend told me last night, that is now the past. He is right, I apologized for my wrong doings and it is now in the past, my past and if people want to dwell and hold grudges, then that is on them. Tomorrow will be Friday! FRIDAY! YES!
Sweet dreams!
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