Jazzy's 2012 memorable moments.... OH MY! :-)

Dear Journal:

OH MY GOODNESS OH MY GOODNESS! (I got that line from one of my favorite movies EVA! Annie) where did this year go??? tomorrow this year will be over and oh boy what a year it was for Jazzy! can I just tell you that Facebook has this thing that tells me, MY most memorable moments! WHAT THE F!$K! how in the world would a social network site know my most memorable moments??? When I saw that, I had to laugh because stupid Facebook has NO IDEA! what it's talking about.  Oh Journal, I mean I do love my wonderful computer tech guys and my creative people that come up with these ideas on how to make these social network sites more and more addictive and more and more interactive, but please don't tell me what you think were my most memorable moments, because quite honestly journal the only one that's going to know about my most memorable moments of 2012 is going to be you!

I decided that instead of letting a public website tell me what my most memorable moments of 2012 were, I was going to compile them myself instead.  So without further a do, lets start with January, in January I went back home to Colombia to visit my family and wonderful friends.  I had not seen them in three years.  After being there for a few days, I went to visit my good friend who has been incarcerated now for over three years, one of my closest and truest friends Nacho! remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/love-sex-drugs.html While I was at the jail visiting him, I asked him for so many hugs and kisses that I can still close my eyes and remember how awesome they were! In my country, jails are nothing like the jails in the US, when you visit an inmate, the inmate is allowed to take his mattress out of his jail cell and place it right outside of the cell and then the jail cell is closed so that you cannot enter it, so the visitor is literally sitting on the inmates mattress right outside his cell, obviously the place is filled with mattresses on the floors and visitors along with inmates sitting on these mattresses with them, the jail is loud yet everyone seems to be in their own little world with the person they are visiting.  So, for about three hours we were laying on that mattress where I asked him to please please cuddle with me and I began telling him everything that had happened in my life since I last saw him.  He told me everything also and then we allowed our imaginations to run wild with all sorts of ideas of what we would be doing if he was free.  It was memorable being there with him because seeing him smile and laugh at our silly thoughts truly made my day and I am positive it made his too! When our visit was finally over, I left the jail walked across the street from it, where I noticed all the beautiful mountains that surrounded that horrible place.  As I stood there noticing the beauty all around me, my heart broke at the thought that I was once again was leaving my friend behind not knowing when I would talk to or see him again. It was a sad/happy day, yet memorable non the less.

In March, I got a text message from AJ after not hearing from him for over three months.  Remember AJ? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html One morning in early March, I woke up to find a text message on my phone from him.  The text message was a message with lyrics of a Cher song.  When I saw it, I just laid on my bed reading it over and over again! My heart felt fulfilled and I was in complete shock not knowing what to do, I had missed him so very much never once in those three months not having thought of him.  That night I called him and him and I spoke on the phone for hours, it felt as if we had never once stopped talking in the months that had preceded that conversation.  That night he sang to me and I loved it! it was a memorable moment to say the least!

In June, I had the extreme pleasure of marrying my two gay friends.  Yes, I did just type marry, because I was asked by them to please perform their ceremony.  I was soooo nervous that I might mess up! and of course I did, I made them say their vows in a different order than I was instructed to do so.  I was so nervous! because I wanted their day to be totally and completely perfect! the whole time watching these two amazing guys standing in front of me and all their family and friends professing their love to one another, reminded me that love comes in all shapes and sizes.  I kept telling myself that I had to be strong and not cry through the ceremony, so even though I made them say their vows in the wrong order everything still came out perfect because my two best friends are truly perfect for one another.   I was so extremely flattered and humbled by them asking me to be the one to perform the ceremony, but I enjoyed every last nerve wrecking moment.  It was lovely! and we had such an amazing time, it was most definitely a memorable day!

In June, I also had the pleasure of watching my beautiful young cousin and her now husband, exchange vows under a beautiful sunset by the beach in Key West Florida.  It was an amazing ceremony full of love and wonderful family and friends! I was there with my children and they truly enjoyed the time they spent in Florida and at the wedding.  Watching my cousin marry the man of her dreams and watching her awesome husband marrying the woman of his dreams was truly a wonderful memorable moment! what a lovely day in 2012.

In July, I met a man that I had, had a crush on for a really really long time, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-is-it-just-little-crush.html The day I finally talked to him, I felt butterflies in my stomach and was really really nervous and could not believe I was actually talking to this person who I had been seeing from far for so long, had been crushing over and now I was talking too!  It was memorable in that he made me feel the butterflies that not many have in years! being around him made me feel young, energetic, anxious, happy, giggly, silly, dopey, nervous and all the things you feel when someone just... does it for you! It was really really awesome finally meeting him.  Although nothing came out of it, I did make an amazing new friend who I truly care about.  I once said that I wish I would of never met him that day,  but I only said that because I was angry about the fact that I met him at the wrong time in my life.  Officially meeting him that morning in July will however always be memorable to me, because there have not been many people throughout my life that I have felt that WOW feeling for and meeting him made me feel like.... WOW... Memorable indeed!

In September, I attended my other young beautiful cousins wedding, at a church in Queens I was able to witness my cousin and her wonderful new husband exchange vows.  They looked so happy and in love and their wedding was truly beautiful and unforgettable.  Seeing them together exchanging vows reminded me of what a loving rewarding relationship is truly supposed to look like.  Their love for one another is truly unique and true, they accept and respect one another in a way that you don't see often in couples.  I enjoyed that day and night so much! being with family and friends that day was truly memorable.

In September I also had another moment that I cannot deny that was truly memorable, and although I prefer not to be completely specific and detailed about it, I will say this.  It was a moment I shared with a man.  He and I were talking in his living room and then we decided to go lay down on his bed without nothing sexual happening, when I laid down beside him in that moment all of a sudden everything just felt....PERFECT! the world in that moment was just... PERFECT! I had not felt perfect in a really long long time.  After however, I hyperventilated and had to run out of the apartment to catch my breath, it was really crazy and most definitely in the weirdest yet most awesome way a truly memorable moment to say the very least!

In October I turned 41 years old, turning 41 felt great! I went out and danced sooooo much all night long, that I ended up loosing two of my two nails.  Ok, I don't know how to describe how it happened but that night I went to a night club called Pachas, I was wearing a sweat suit and sneakers that night and because the sneakers I was wearing were so tight I think that due to the pressure on the sneaker and the way I was dancing, my toes kept banging the front of my sneaker and then became bruised and the bruise caused my nail too fall out! I KNOW! crazy! I still can't believe it! but I had a most memorable time that night and it was AWESOME! Additionally, the situation caused my mom and I a ton of laughter.  We could not believe that my two toe nails had literally one grew over the bruised up causing them to fall out after the new one had grown in and all this was caused because I had danced my butt off! it was too damn funny and too good not to be unforgettable!

In November, I took a day off from work to accompany my mom to take her citizenship test.  I sat outside the office where they administer the test and was anxious and stressed and had all sorts of butterflies in my stomach anxiously awaiting for my mommy to get out and tell me how she had done.  She finally walked out of the office with a smile on her face letting me know that she had passed her test! I WAS SOOOOO PROUD OF MY MOMMY! she studied so hard for so many months to make sure she knew her American history! my mom now knows more about America than I do! it was a memorable day because my mommy is so damn awesome!

So, there you have it! Jazzy's 2012 most memorable moments! I had an amazing year! there was laughter there was tears, there were moments when I wanted to quit, give up and go far far away from everything and everyone! but what kept me strong was.... LOVE! the love I have for my children, for my family and for my amazing friends.  I feel truly blessed that I have managed to surround myself with truly amazing people, people that love and accept me just as I am, people that understand my madness, those who I can call and cry to or share a funny moment with and they appreciate it.  Everyday I learn something new and I always think to myself one important thing that I learned when I was attending the practical philosophy classes and that is that, EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in front of us is our teacher! INDEED!

I WISH ALL OF THOSE WHO COME ACROSS THIS POST A VERY HAPPY, SUCCESSFUL, PEACEFUL 2013! BUT MOST OF ALL.....I WISH FOR ALL A 2013 FULL OF LOVE! THAT WHICH WE CAN NOT HAVE ENOUGH OF!

PEACE AND LOVE!

Black Eye Peas ~ Where is the love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EICNm-Ow0ms 

Dear Journal: TWO YEARS OF WRITING.....

Dear Journal:

Today you turn two, two years that I have been ever so faithful with my love to you and to my writing! THANK YOU! thank you for letting me share my life with you, it feels so good to sit on my bed, put my lap top on my lap and just let the words flow from my thoughts on to you! I don't even know what to write about right about now since I have so many thoughts going on in my mind at the same time and can't quite grasp what is all of this I am feeling.

I guess the best way to put this post together is by telling you something very significant that happened to me this past week that made me feel human.  I have failed at something that I had never failed at before and although I cannot write the specifics about it on here for many reasons, I will just say that what I failed at was something very significant and not romantic in nature.  What I failed at was something that through out my life I have always been successful at.  

But on Tuesday, December 18th after getting news that did not make me very happy and feeling like a complete failure, I also had a test to take.   so I went to class to take my cognitive psychology final.  And as I was walking out of my job, I kept holding back my tears and the only thought that kept crossing my mind was.... He would be so disappointed in me.  But why should that matter to me if he is no longer in my life? hasn't been for years, yet that was my thought, that he would be disappointed.

I then get to my class and I see one of my classmates and her and I begin to talk and since she is really cool, we start talking about the fact that I had a really rough day and I begin to talk to her about the situation.  Immediately she begins to tell me that everything will work itself out, that this too shall pass, that I should think of things in a different way, that everything will be ok and I began to feel a lot better.  After complaining to her for about 10 or 15 minutes and her giving me wonderful advice, I realize that I haven't asked her about herself and how she is doing, a few weeks ago she had mentioned to me that her mom was diagnosed with cancer and that she had to go back home to be with her because her chemotherapy was about to begin.  

So after me going on and on and rambling about my miserable day and finally asking her how she was doing, she turns to me looking really strong and says, well, I am doing as best as I can, after being told by my mothers doctors that she only has a few months to live.  In that moment, I felt horrible! here I was complaining about something that I can do something about to change, to make it better and there she was, this awesome young woman giving me advice about how everything would be alright, meanwhile her mom has terminal cancer.  All of a sudden, my problem was insignificant, I felt so selfish.  I didn't even know what to say and yet she still said that I didn't have to feel bad about complaining, because it was my problem and I should be able to talk about it and own it and then let it be and that everything was going to be ok! 

SHE IS SO AMAZING! and I have no doubt that one day she will be an amazing therapist helping many many children.  I want to dedicate this post to my classmate who was there for me even though her life is really really difficult right now! I feel so lucky to have had the opportunity to be surrounded by these awesome people who want to make a difference in other people's lives even though they themselves go through difficulties, really really hard things that make us human.  My little problem is a little problem compared to hers, yet she knew exactly what to say to me to make me feel better! I have no doubt that she will succeed!

After I finished my test, I left class and after all that had just occurred through out that day, I finally couldn't take it anymore and I broke down crying right in the middle of my college campus, what the fuck is going on in my life???? that's all I could think of! and then I felt lonely and didn't know who to call, but in that moment I get a text message from one of my virtual friends from California so I called him and when he picked up the phone, I just broke down crying, but he knew just to listen and once I was done, he knew what to say to make me feel better and a few minutes later we were laughing and I kept thinking... GOD I am SO LUCKY! 

So, the point of my journal the point of me sharing the point of me writing, is that I hope that whomever and whenever anyone comes across this my journal, they can hopefully find something useful on here.  A story that isn't extraordinary, but that is common and real.  This is real life, real situations, real things that happen.  Sometimes we get wrapped up in our own little tiny world, but there is one so much greater out there and there is so many more difficult things others go through and in those moments when you get out of your own little world and see that others have a much tougher world you realize how lucky you truly are.  

I had one shit day! ONE! but then there is my classmate who is going through this difficult time yet she took the time to say encouraging things to me.  I feel so helpless not being able to say anything to her to make her feel better because what do you say? What do you say to this brave young woman to make her feel just a tiny bit better? how does she do it? I can't even begin to imagine.  But I want her to know that she is amazing! that I have been thinking of her and sending her my love and many blessings and positive energy.  That I am ever so grateful to her for her kind words and for her being so brave! GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND!

So not a happy post on my two year anniversary of having you, but well, you are my live journal where for the past two years I have shared my tears, laughter, happy days, angry days and sad days. You are my journal, my life, my story.........

I leave you with this song.... It is and isn't related to my entry tonight, because I have been hopelessly devoted to you my journal and to him, the man that inspired me to write again.... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html

Hopelessly devoted to you - Olivia Newton John
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SN1gi8oq74g

ONCE: Falling Slowly

YES! maybe in the spring........


Glenn Hansard ~ Falling Slowly - Movie ONCE....

Dear Journal: If only he forgave me....

“A life lived without forgiveness is a prison.” ~ 

William Arthur Ward

Dear Journal:

Psycho analysis time again! I don’t have time to go to therapy, so I am doing my own analyses to try and decrazy myself! (decrazy – made up word) you see journal there is always a sort of method to my madness, because it is important to try to understand one self in order to be good with others, if I can identify in me things that I don’t like about myself, then I can at least work on personal growth.  I need to be ready for the day that I am ready to have a wonderful man by my side so that I can be a wonderful woman to him.  

Sometimes I feel like everything I do is for him, him, this guy that is out there dating all these crazy stupid bitches that don’t have a clue and then one day when the time is right our paths will finally cross and I will make him so extremely happy and show him what love is all about! I almost can’t wait to meet him! although sometimes I keep hoping that I don’t anytime soon as I am still in my (decrazing – made up word) mode.  Meaning that I cannot give my best if I am not at my best yet.

What can I tell you journal about my life lately? I have a confession to make and I honestly wasn’t going to tell you, but I felt that I absolutely must! Because you understand me, you are my go to, you replaced a love that I once knew.  Remember him? my live journal? the one I would send letter after letter after letter to? the one that watched me year after year, the one who has seen me evolve? yes.. Benjamin Nunez! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html  

Aside from the fact that he was my personal friend first and foremost, I have also followed Benjamin Nunez (on-line) for so very long and loved him so deeply for so long, that reading his stuff (he blogs) became part of my routine, like reading the newspaper.  Before, when I was completely and madly in love with him, there were times that what he would write would hurt me or drive me crazy and those times I would often tell myself that I needed to stop reading his stuff, part of me felt addicted to his writing, the other felt addicted to him, yet the other felt like it was just me holding on to him and that was the only thing I still had, that, reading his work.   

Well, I have been minding my own business, moving on with my life, but still reading his blog, maybe not as thorough as I once did, but never the less still following him (well not technically since I had deleted the twitter account where we followed one another and he and I have never been friends on FB but we both have public FB accounts) but basically I still read the things he has to say, because it came to a point that it was just a habit (like reading the newspaper) and I would read through it, not feel any certain way about it and maybe every now and then draw inspiration from his words.  I admire him so much and almost look up to him, additionally, I have tremendous respect for him and think he is amazing.  

The way he writes makes me want to imitate him and honestly, there are days that I think to myself oh my god! when did I become him? but it’s true, I picked up some of his language some of his ways, like when two people are together and they begin to act like one another.  When he and I were friends, he picked up a lot of things from me as well and I have to say that I was so flattered by it.  Regardless, he and I are so alike yet not really because we are opposite.  Yet not really, but I guess because I got to know him in a personal way, even after all this time that we don't speak to one another, I still can sense when something is not right.  I think that we had a strong connection and that there might still be some residue, or maybe I am just thinking too much into it. 

Which ever the reason may be, the other day I started to notice that he wasn’t blogging, that he wasn’t tweeting that he wasn’t anything and little by little as the days went on, me not knowing anything about him began to make me very anxious, I felt so anxious and kept thinking what is wrong with him? where is he? What is happening??? And as the days passed I became more and more anxious.  At times I would have to gather my composure and take deep breaths.  Not knowing about him made me feel a little sick, I felt a little confused and distorted and kept asking myself why I was feeling this way.  Calm down woman! you shouldn't care if he isn't writing he isn't anybody to you aren't you over him already? 

I am, I really genuinely think that I am no longer IN LOVE with him, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still love and miss my friend.  He was my friend first and foremost for over a year.  Additionally, I told him anything and everything, almost the same way I tell you my sweet journal.   So not knowing anything about him made me feel very anxious, like when one of your friends goes missing and you reach out to him to check to see if he/she is ok.  I don't at this point think that I am any different than anyone else, I'm sorry that I love other human beings and that I want to make sure that the people that matter to me are ok.  And no, I never ask anything of him in return, because for the most part I just follow him in silence and always wishing him nothing but the best.  I don't delete people as if they are nothing, especially when they were once everything when they made a difference in my life.

So, when I started to feel that anxiety, I kept thinking to myself how sad it is that I can't even reach out to him to ask if he is ok? I kept questioning what it is about me that he can't bring himself to just say, hey Jazzy I am doing ok thank you for asking! I don’t understand what it is that I did to him that was so bad that until this day he won’t speak to me, where did I fail him? what can I do to please make it up to him? why me? 

The last time I saw him which was a year and a half ago on the train platform at 14 street union square, he hugged me and we said good bye.  He hugged me and I could tell that the hug was almost forced, like he knew that if he let himself go, if he let himself really hug me, he would not have been able to let me go, to let me walk away from him.  So instead he gave me an almost superficial hug, but I knew his hugs, because he had hugged me before and that hug that day wasn't the same it was standoffish, holding back. Of course that same day I had also told him like an idiot that he should "get out there and find someone special!" I HATE MYSELF FOR SAYING THAT! I AM that someone special!!! instead of having said that, I should of said, LOOK! it's me! the woman that has loved you for so long!!! look at me! I'm standing here in front of you holding back all this love because I'm still scared! PLEASE pick me!! what a fool full of fear!

So, how do I know that maybe he felt the same as I did? well, the day I cut off all my hair just for him, because I knew that he loved short hair, I walked into the room and the minute he looked up at me, his eyes told me everything! He looked at me in awe! like the way a man looks at a woman he loves.  The first words out of his mouth were.... Your hair! you cut your hair! and inside of me I thought, OMG! he likes it! yay! But what did it matter if after all was said and done, I walked away from him at that train platform after telling him to go and find himself another woman.  And that is exactly what he went and did.  And me, I did exactly what I always do, I kept pretending that I would one day get over him and that I was ready to move on with my life all the while loving him like I have never loved any man in my whole entire life.  

And after that day, he still won’t speak to me, nothing I do will matter, because unless we are in a crowd where there are other people and he has no option but too, that man refuses to speak to me.  I understand that or try to, but it is difficult when I don’t know anything about him because as someone that I care about regardless of whatever, I just want to know that my ex friend is ok.   

So, after noticing that something wasn’t right and after feeling like I was going to throw up and feeling nausea and feeling like I had shortness of breath and I needed to find out what was wrong with my friend.  I reached out to a mutual friend to ask if he had heard from him.  Is that wrong? to want to know that someone you care about is doing ok? is it wrong to love another human being this much? where am I failing? All I want from him at this point is to be able to send him a message saying happy holidays and for him to respond... you do the same, why is that so hard for him? like I understand that sometimes you want to delete people from your life because they slept with your brother or something crazy like that, but I never did anything like that, all I ever wanted was closure, for him to say that he forgave me for whatever he felt I did that was wrong and for us to be cool.  Not the type of cool that I need to email him daily or weekly or monthly, but the type of cool that if it’s his bday I can wish my old friend a happy birthday and he will say thank you.  I respect that he rather not be my friend the type of friend that talks to me constantly, I accept that and respect that and understand that, but after all of these years him still acting that way, I just don't get it! why me? WOW! talk about holding grudges… 

So dearest journal, I will send him this post with hopes that maybe he will find it in his heart to be cool with me....

Benjamin… PLEASE I BEG YOU! LET IT GO, SET US FREE!

BE MY FRIEND?

Ps. This song reminds me of a way I once felt.... I am no longer that woman, that woman is gone and what is left is this new creature that only wants to feel free from you.  Free from this heavy weight I feel for the mistakes that I made.  I am sorry for whatever it is you feel I did, my intentions with you were always have alway will always be nothing but genuine and true.  I care about you, because you were a significant person in my life.  I wish you could understand that.  

Rihanna - Disturbia

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTKY5GTQ1HQ

 

Donde Estas Corazon?

Querido Diario:

Hoy lo pense pero mucho, y no se porque.  Siempre pienso que al fin lo he olvidado pero a lo mejor no lo es haci.  No se escribir bien el espanol, pero de todo modo es mi lengua primordial, quiero poder poner mis pensamientos en estas paginas aunque sea de vez en cuando, en mi idioma natal.  No se que mas escribirte, porque acabo de llorar, abajo esta un poema que a mi mente llego ahorita pensando en el.  Que me hiso ese hombre que lo llevo tan clavado en mi corazon? De todo modo mi diario hermoso, estas palabras que te escribo son sacadas de lo mas profundo de mi alma.  No se escribir poemas, pero con el siguiente te dejo a ti.

DONDE ESTAS

ESCRITO POR: JAZZY

Amor donde estas? te he buscado dia tras dia y no te encuentro, no se nada de ti, tu silencio lo siento en mi alma como una eternidad.  

Que sera de tu vida amor mio, con quien compartes los besos que me pertenecen y nunca te di? 

Hay amor porque te has hido, no he podido saber como vivir sin ti, como te dejo en el olvido si solo he sabido ser de ti.  

Si algun dia me recuerdas, ven que siempre te esperare, en un rincon oculto de mi alma siempre te llevare.... Amor ven...

Donde Estas Corazon ~ Shakira

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XYtkag7dbc

Dear Santa:

Dear Santa:

For five years straight all I wanted for Christmas was him (Benjamin) this year for the first time I don't want him.  I realize that I didn't get him in all that time because I must admit that there were a few times throughout those years when I was very very naughty!

I know you see all and that's why I want to take this time out to tell you the truth about that time with that guy...remember? ok well, that wasn't me! it was my evil twin! due to her naughty behavior I always end up in some sort of trouble... but I promise, I swear! scouts honor! it wasn't me!

Now that you know the truth Santa, I wan to tell you what I really want for Christmas.  This year I want something different.  Can you please give the person reading this right now some extra money so that they can make a contribution to my favorite charity? https://www.children.org/sponsor-ir-e?lang=en-US&rs_id=155  Also, you know that lady that sells churros at the Atlantic Avenue train station in Brooklyn? Yeah the short sweet lady who works so hard day in and day out? YES! that one.  Well, can you please give her lots of good health like she told me she wanted?

Also, I know that I'm kind of asking for a lot, but can you grant all my friends and loved ones lots of happiness this holiday season? Oh yeah and one last thing.... you know that guy? the really cute one? Can you give him lots of things to be happy about?

Thank you Santa!

And I PROMISE! I will try not to be naughty in 2013... (Insert evil grin smiley icon here)

Love you Santa... Ho ho ho...

Note: the author of this blog and letter was never a Girl Scout... (Insert evil naughty smiley icon here) wink wink wink... Happy Holidays!

IF YOU CAN, PLEASE CONSIDER GIVING!.... THANK YOU!

https://www.children.org/Ways-To-Give

Because A's are oh soooo awesome!

Dear Journal:

I am not by any means an A student.  God I wish so bad that I was! I truly try my very best although sometimes I think I could do more, but I do try my best and that is all that I can do.  There have been so many times that I have left school crying, that if I had pennies for tears I have shed over school work, I would probably have a shit load of money! but then, there are those times when I get back a paper and one of my professors will give me a compliment and in those moments all those bad grades don't seem to matter! that feeling of accomplishment and happiness that I feel in my heart I cannot compare to anything else, I work so hard for the things that I love and this is something I truly do love! I love to learn, I really do, yet sometimes I feel like I haven't learned a thing! 

Today I got back one of my papers and my professor commented on it and said that I wrote very well, it was a psychology paper which took me days and hours of hard work and deep thought to finish writing, but it was so rewarding to get a compliment from my professor who I truly admire (she is a neuroscientist who is AWESOME!) and in that moment when I saw her comment on my paper, I realized that I am really truly happy! like I know that there are days that I write to you and tell you my sorrows and I tell you my fears and I complain and tell you how much I cried, but all in all, in my heart I feel contempt, I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I am doing the right things and making the right decisions and choices, journal I have to say that life is pretty good and today was an awesome day!

I went running yesterday and ran three miles, that felt pretty darn good as well, and I have decided that my goal is to continue running until I can reach my goal of six miles per run.  I have no idea how I will ever accomplish this, but I have to try although my achilles tendon was hurting today and this makes me really really sad, I need to try to stretch and make sure I am careful and that I rest it.  Other than that there isn't anything crazy going on in my life and I have to say that this makes me really really really happy! I feel this sense of serenity in my life right now which I really love, I feel like all is as it should be, like I am back in my comfort zone.  I nearly booked my trip today but had to stop myself because I am not sure if I want to go away to where I was going to book my flight too.  I don't have much money, but I have many many miles! hooray for credit card miles!

I don't have much more to report for now journal only that Benjamin hasn't been on line for days in and days out and although I shouldn't really care, I do keep wondering where he is? I mean I have followed him for five years now and so it's weird to me not to know something, anything about him.  The only good thing is that I don't feel crazy about it, like if this would of been two years ago I would be anxious and stressed out about it, but now I feel ok, WOW! i'm really over that man.  UNBELIEVABLE! what can I say journal, I guess you and I both knew it was bound to happen one day and that day has finally come! I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, like I am free and I love this feeling!

Well, that's pretty much it.  Oh... there is also one more thing but...... I want to keep that from you until I know for sure! stay tuned journal, because you know me... I'M JUST FULL OF SURPRISES!

HUGS!

Never be conflicted about being nice……..

 "Love All, Trust a Few, do wrong to none" ~ 

William Shakespeare

Ok, so first and foremost I stole the title to this blog post from someone who truly changed my life forever and whom I loved deeply for five years.  Loved, yes that is the truth because I am no longer in love with Benjamin Nunez. http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html It was so easy for me to have found myself completed enamored with him.  He is such an amazing human being.  It was a pleasure being friends with him once upon a time.  Benjamin is probably one of the kindest human beings on this earth and yes, maybe he wasn’t very nice to me after a while, but believe it or not, I know and understand why and I don’t hold grudges and I further know that one day he will be ok with being my friend again when the time is right. 

I still however find myself being greatly inspired by the things he used to say and the things he believed in and the life that he follows.  Of course like all other human beings he isn’t perfect in any way shape or form, but in my eyes he always was and always will be just that, perfect! I stole the title of one of his blog posts because he once wrote about the fact that sometimes he would feel conflicted about doing nice things because people took his kindness the wrong way sometimes and now I understand what it was he was feeling because that is happening to me lately.  I have been very conflicted about being nice lately.  Additionally, someone in my life asked me the other day to please not do nice things for them.  This to me is very confusing and very awkward but also very challenging.  

I am a nice person so sorry, forgive me for that.  I like to make my friends feel happy, I like to give everyone around me love and I like to make people smile if I can.  I don’t have money to share with the less fortunate, I don’t have time to go and volunteer anywhere and the one thing I was able to do as a giving gesture every three months, which was donating blood, I was not able to do this year because I traveled abroad and was told I could not give my blood due to the fact that I was in a country where I might be in contact with lime disease.  So, what else can I give since I am someone who enjoys giving? I give my LOVE, because that is all I have to give.

However, when someone tells me not to give them things when I haven’t given them anything materialistic, I am very conflicted because all of a sudden I feel like I did something wrong when all I was trying to do was be myself.  All of my life men take my kindness as me liking them in a romantic way and that’s why so often I hold back from doing things especially for my male friends because I don’t want them to get the wrong idea, but in my heart because they mean so much to me as people, I yearn to give them my love.  Some are very accepting of it because they understand it yet others I still feel like I can't because I don't want to confuse anyone, yet I am always clear with my male friends as to where they stand in my life.  So why should I feel conflicted about showing them how special they are to me?

I LOVE ALL PEOPLE! in my home, the word I love you is constantly used, kisses and hugs and affection is what I know to give my beautiful amazing children and they have gotten used to this unconditional constant love and affection that I give them and they have learned how to give it back.  My four year old daughter is always telling everyone she loves them, what is wrong with that?

It saddens me that people don’t know how to accept love from others and makes me think that this world definitely needs more people learning how to express their love to one another because clearly there isn’t enough of it going around.  When I say to someone I LOVE YOU! it doesn’t mean I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU! I am IN LOVE with AJ http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html and he knows it because I told him.  He accepts it and is ok with it because he loves me too! Now does it mean he is in love with me? I don’t know, but the fact still remains that he is comfortable with the fact that I love him, because he knows me enough to know that I know how to love and that I understand where I stand and therefore he accepts it and doesn't abuse it or reject it, because we both know it just is.  

I believe that if we love someone we should let them know period! instead of us keeping in our feelings and suppressing our feelings, isn’t it nicer to just let people know what they mean to you? why keep in such an amazing beautiful thing like love from someone?  imagine how lucky it is to have love from someone in this huge big world! WOW!

But then there are those people that don’t understand those that are loving and they don't understand that it doesn't mean that I love you has to be a term only used for romantic love.  I love a TON of people! and when my friends tell me they love me, that makes me feel so completely happy, imagine! people love me as I am, even though I am completely insane! that is pretty darn cool! I wish I could make some people understand that just because I tell someone that they are special, it doesn’t mean I am trying to marry them.  I am sick and tired of feeling like showing my love to people will confuse them because they don’t understand what love is all about.  

Even on dating sites when I try to be nice to men by letting them know in a loving way that I am not interested in them romantically, I get told off.  All the while all I am doing is showing love to them, most women don't even waste their time responding, yet me, I try to be nice to people and get told off.  Regardless, I will be damned if I allow anyone to tell me what I can or cannot do to show someone they are special in this cruel crazy world.  So I will continue to be me and never ever again be conflicted about being nice, because everyone needs a loving kind word.

So, before you go around rejecting people's kind gestures of love, stop and think, that everything doesn't have to be about romance, there are many different types of love.  Don't reject love when given to you, instead be happy, be proud and be accepting.  Don't abuse it if you can’t return it in the same way, but respect the person that is offering it and be gentle and kind to their heart.  Imagine! someone loves you! how awesome is that? 

THIS WORLD NEEDS MORE LOVE……SPREAD IT AROUND……..

IT WAS MAGIC!

"Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef" ~ Tom Robinson

  What magic?

I always refer to this "magic" thing whenever I talk about the day I meet "the one" and when I tell my friends about the day they meet their "one" I always tell them, you will know because it will be like "MAGIC" honestly I think or I'm almost certain I got that phrase from a movie and I really really wish that I could remember which one it was because then I could put the clip of it on my blog. But, old age doesn't come cheap and I can barely remember my neighbors name let alone my own.

But the other day I told a friend of mine that he just had not met his "one" yet and that the day he does it would be like "magic" and I have a feeling that he is probably thinking... What freaking "MAGIC" is this you speak of woman? Well, since he never answered me I am not sure what he might have thought after I said that to him, but I think that I want to explain in detail what I mean by knowing you met "the one" because it feels like MAGIC! 

First let me just say that only a select few are lucky enough to find "a one" most of us if not all of us, meet a few "one's" through out our lives. If you don't believe me, ask Father Pat O'Conner, he wrote a whole book about it that I HAVE to read, it's called "Whom Not To Marry."

Regardless, I need to put on my Journal what exactly I mean when I say it was like "MAGIC" and what best way to describe it other than... You guest it! Me giving you an example! Yup yup! That's how I roll!

I will give an example because honestly it is one of my best most lovely memories, and it was MAGICAL!

Example: MY HEX http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/07/cheating-bastards.html

Ok, so he is no longer mine and actually is married to a lovely woman and I am really happy for him, but when he and I met it was truly magical.

One fall morning in 2003, I walk into a huge room that was maybe the size of a basketball court, the room was filled with people mainly men.  That morning, my co-worker and I were interviewing candidates (I was in an HR role at the time) for some open positions that we were trying to fill at the company I worked for... He walks in....

Physiological effect - mine: I see him all the way across the room our eyes meet and my heart started to beat faster, I could barely walk, my stomach got knots and I felt like I couldn't speak right.

Physiological effects - His: He told me later that when he saw me, he became very nervous, he felt strange and felt that he HAD to talk to me!

The thing about MAGIC is that both parties have to feel it simultaneously.  Later that day we finally got to talk and both of us couldn't stop smiling...

He went home talking about
Me, I went home taking about him.

End result: True Love! We were best friends! It took me YEARS to overcome our separation.

That is what I mean by magic!

IT DOES HAPPEN!

So if you are ever lucky enough to encounter something magical hold on to it, enjoy it and cherish it forever. 

Ps. Below is the book I referenced on this post....

 

Dear Journal: 12-2-12 Vicious cycles....

Dear Journal:

I feel like I have so much to tell you because I haven't written you lately yet I really don't have anything at all to write.  I wrote a few journals on my phone during the week, but those were more venting journals than actually journals that had any meaning.  

I miss AJ, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html like I miss being able to talk to him like we used to.   I mean I know that I can talk to him If I really want to, but I rather not because if I talk to him it just makes me miss him so much more.  I keep having this visual image of him and his girlfriend and it makes me nauseas, man I messed up! I could of been with him a year already if I wouldn't have acted so damn crazy! I see a pattern in me that I need to break, I push people away and then expect them to wait around for me forever, no, people don't do that.  

It's really difficult because with him, I love him in two ways, so I feel like I have lost two things, I lost my friend and I lost my love, but then again I really didn't loose my friend because we talk again, just not like before, but I do feel a sense of my life being complete now that we at least made up and I can at the very least send him a message or call him and I know that he will get back to me, so in that sense it feels ok, but then it's not the same anymore I don't want to be disrespectful to his girlfriend because according to him she is worried about our friendship, If she knew how I am, she would not be.  I would never try to get in the way of his happiness, he made a choice and I respect that as hard as it is.  I told him the other day that I needed some time and space from him so that I could get over what I feel and then we can be cool friends like nothing, except the less I talk to him the more I miss him.  I will be ok journal, I have overcome worst, still I need to work on my temper and my bad attitude toward men.

My other friend sort of made me realize this past week that I flip out a lot.  Yeah I really do, however to my defense it kind of bothers me that men say I flip out, but then they give me reason to flip out.  I feel like they think I can be such a nasty bitch, but in reality I flip out because they give me reason to.  Like I wouldn't just go off on someone for no reason at all, if I go off it's because they did something to cause me to get upset, still I am vicious and I need to learn how to control my temper.  I was doing pretty ok with my anger issues but I feel like they are coming back, I need therapy I wish I had time to go to a therapist and discuss all that is going on in my mind, therapy is really really great, I recommend it to EVERYONE! not only because I study psychology do I think it's awesome, but also because I have been to therapy and definitely saw the difference in me after going.  

We all need someone neutral to talk to that can help us in learning how to organize our thoughts and understand where so many things stem from.  Therapists are highly educated individuals and studying psychology is really really amazing, the mind is capable of so many things.  I don't know but I really feel like I need to go to therapy I really need to find time for it, as I feel like I am not doing well mentally lately, I feel like I am loosing control, like I can't quite get it right.

I have decided that I do not want to do my casual dating thing that I do whenever I end a semester in school, I think I am going to keep it low key, I feel exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally.  I wish I could go somewhere and sleep for a few days, it's coming to the end of the semester when it is all just piling up and I am overwhelmed.  I chat with people on line all the time, but I honestly don't want to get to know anyone new, I'm so over people to be honest I just want to chill and do nothing.  People consume too much of my energy and it isn't even worth it half the time.  

Other than that journal life is pretty normal, nothing major going on or worthy of a report.  I am planning to go away early January or February, but I am not sure if it will happen.  I want to go to San Francisco as I have never been there and I have someone there that I know who I can visit, I have to think about it though because I really really want to go back to Colorado as I absolutely am in love with it.  Let's see what happens, I don't want to make any plans yet.

OK well.... 


Taylor Swift - You belong with me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuNIsY6JdUw