What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal -

I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write about something wonderful that happened to me this past few days while I was in Vegas (no I did not get married!) but I did for the very first time ever in my entire life won!!! and I didn't win thousands of dollars, but I did win a few hundred with the help of my amazing friend that was with me! I can't begin to tell you journal how much fun I had! it was just the sort of trip I needed it seemed like it had to do not only with getting money and having fun, but getting clarity and making thoughtful decisions.  

Before I left to Vegas I had a pretty good idea that I was going to be dating someone I've dated before and part of me was telling me run and do it and the other part kept telling me, what the actual FUCK are you doing! I don't want to get into to many details but I am going to say this, I haven't been this single and this happy since I would say about 6 years ago.  The reason why I was single and happy back then was because I was not in love with anyone and had no cares in the world, I was focused on my own stuff and all I kept seeing was prosperity and I feel the same exact way now, I am so focused on myself lately that all I keep seeing is myself prospering, I have a clear vision of my near future, I have a vision of what I want and don't want in my life right now and I have not had such a clear vision in a really long time!

I got back on some dating sites mainly because I don't want to loose my "dating skills" but I am also doing it so that I can get "back out there" I want to enjoy my summer and have a great summer! I don't really know when I will have time for anyone, but I guess if I meet people that I feel are worth my time, I will make time for it.  Not really a priority but I'm not dead so might as well enjoy life while I'm here.

I have learned something new in the past few weeks or maybe I have always known but I still hope that people are genuine.  What I learned was that people take advantage of those who are kind and have an open heart and want to be helpful to others, except people don't realize that you should keep the good ones around and get rid of those who pull you down. Throughout my life I have had many people who have thought that they can treat me however they want to and I will always be there.  What these people don't know is that I see them, I can see right through people and in the end they loose, not me.  I say this because whenever I am in someone's life whether it's in a friendship way or work way or romantic way or whatever, I try my best to be genuine and be there for people in the best way I can, but there have been many times in my life that people think I have an ulterior motive.  I am just being me, I try to be authentic and genuine and as honest as I can be.  So, with all that being said today when I had my therapy session and was telling her all about my most recent adventures I told her that all in all, I am truly happy and life is good! Life is real good journal! And it makes me happy to be able to write a post that isn't about drama or sadness or anything but good stuff!

Oh one last thing journal, if all goes well, I will be going to NYC in August for a concert to see all the old school rappers! I just hope I am able to get tickets for that show because it's going to be CRAZY!

I will leave you with....... RUN DMC! walk this way!!! wish me luck that I can get these tickets!!!

My Love

 Dear Journal -

I don't usually say on my journal who inspired a poem or who I thought of when I wrote it etc. sometimes, I have shared it with the person it is about but not always.  This one however I will share who I wrote it for.  I wrote it for my ex who I loved more than anyone I've ever loved.  I don't think that I am capable of ever loving anyone again the way I loved him! even writing this makes my heart feel heavy and tears are rolling down my face; and still after 3 years of being apart there is not a day that goes by that he doesn't cross my thoughts.  And yes, we are not enemies and we are not friends, we just are, and sure I could send him this post if I chose to, but the truth is, I hope one day he will visit this blog and see it.

His name is CLS (Love) that was my name for him, I hated baby so I would call him Love even if there were a crowd between us, I called him Love...I don't want to write his name out because whomever knows knows and that's all that matters.  I remember when we first met at Walmart in person while I was purchasing something, I looked at him and said... wow you are cute! now here is the thing, he is 21 years my jr. so in that moment I was just giving him a compliment and he said the same back to me, that I was cute and I was caught off guard! I never in a million years would have thought that one day I would have been proposed to at the beach by him and that I could love someone so much. I believe he may have been my true love.....Maybe if there is such a thing!

We had so many good times and my heart aches because while he would often say "baby you can write about us" I never wrote the good, yet the moment there was something bad going on, here I came to you journal to talk about how bad he was.  Now thinking back we may have not been the perfect couple by any means but he was never abusive, never mean spirited toward me, he was just there for me through everything and anything! He is a good man! and while in the end it ended shitty and we both said mean things, the very last time I spoke to him I asked him if he still loved me and he said he didn't know and my response was the same.  I feel like I may be over him now, but there are still days that I wish I had him by my side so there is that!

Someone told me not to long ago that it would be difficult for anyone to be in a relationship with someone almost two decades older, but I don't think that's true and what I believe is that it felt that way to this individual that said this to me, but it wasn't hard at all for CLS and I we were just in love and the only person who had a problem with our age difference was me.  I made that an issue yet him, he could care less what anyone including his family or mine thought about us because we loved each other and in the end, age is just a number! This individual that was telling me that it would be hard for anyone to be with someone older, also said that the reason why he wanted me back was because he was a little kid that wanted a mother figure. What the person who was saying this didn't know is that, me being a mother figure to him was the last thing he wanted and the one thing I never did.  He has a mother and they talked all the time and when I met him I helped him work on his relationship with her.  He and I had so much lust for each other throughout our 4 years together that there was no way in hell that he thought of me that way. Ha! when this person told me all this nonsense knowing only the bad things I had said about my ex, I thought to myself..... No not every man has a problem with that, because some men are real men that know how to take care of their woman so they won't get cheated on! but you know journal, I wasn't going to say that to this person because it was useless  waste of energy for me to defend my ex I know he loved  me and wanted to be with me not needed to be with me! 

I literally never did much for him honestly.  Everything he has, he has gotten on his own.  Often he did more things for me! he would wash my cloths, pick up after me, because I would leave my shoes and socks all over our apartment and he was very neat and liked everything in it's place which I loved! He  cooked for me and all these things I took for granted even though no other man had done,  all these things for me before.  I was his queen and he wanted to shower me with constant gifts and if he could have given me the world he would have.  I wanted to write this a while back because I kept thinking about what that person had said to me about my ex and it really bugged me, like don't talk shit about my ex when you didn't even know us together.  

I miss his beautiful deep blue eyes and those full lips I could never get enough of! His beautiful smile, why didn't I ever tell him any of this? I miss so many things about him and I don't know if I will ever truly be able to open my heart again to anyone because the hurt that I went through after that break up was like nothing I had ever experienced before in my life and I've been through shit! We lived together and even until the end, whenever I knew he was on his way home I would get butterflies in my stomach and get so anxious to see him even if we had texted each other all day, I can't even count how many times I fell in love with him, over and over and over again :(

Ok journal I came on here to share a poem I wrote for him in May of 2022..............

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My love what did I do? Why oh why did I run so far away from you!

I didn't mean to hurt you, had I known I would have stayed and held you!

My heart aches so much when I think of you, I'm so sad that you lost you!

If only I could turn back time I would do it all better!

And then we could have made it through the stormy weather! 

Oh universe Oh God please make him feel better, let his mind be well, let him get it together!

My ex best friend what can I do? How can I help you to be you?

My tears can't cure your current state of mind, but I send you good wishes and lots of love all of the time!

Be well my love get better! I know you have it in you to make it through all kinds of weather!

Be well my love get better! I believe in you, you will get it together!

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I will leave you with a song and one of my favorite pics I took one day that he was cooking, he can definitely get down in the kitchen! Good times!

Rest in Heaven Luther Vandross - Never to much..

Climb this hill together....

 Wrote this on August 26, 2022 While doing a 14er the one that I almost died doing! True Story! :(

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Hold my hand, let's climb this hill together we're the same!

Deep hurt it has touched us both, I'm scared but I know, that in the end the love will overflow!

I do not doubt, that there will be tears, but when they come I will be close to you my dear you need not fear as long as you open up to me I will not disappear....

Just hold my hand we can do this together and I know we can make it last forever!

Forever a year forever five forever 10 forever as long as you stay my friend.

We will break down the walls around each other's heart until they tumble down for this fear we have will only ever leave us down.

Let's give this a chance lets make last forever I guarantee we'll be better off than ever!.. 

Hold my hand let's climb this hill together!

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I will leave you with a short video I made when I made it to the top and also.....

7 Seconds............................

Soulmate Friend

 Wrote this in September 2022

Some come some go but some stay forever more!

I've known you so many years and I would cry so many tears....

And now look at us go, finally two friends no foul no foe.

I can't believe it took this long, but I'm so happy that we will be forever sure!

That our souls have been connected through time, that we love each other through all the tough times

I'm so glad that it was you, who gave me that one tattoo! 

So intimate so loving so sweet, my friend you sure are unique!

I knew there was a reason I met you, all those years ago!

I know I will never forget you and we will be friends forever more!

No intention

 Journal -

It's been a while, I don't have much to report honestly other than I will be traveling this summer and am really looking forward to it.  I've also been working so much I'm usually exhausted and barely have time to write or do much else for that matter. I've been working really hard on my selflove something I realize I've never had, I have pretty much let people walk all over me my whole life and I know why but I am not going to share it on here because that's why my book is already being thought out.  Actually last night I was hanging out with my friend who is a writer and we started planning out my book ideas etc.  I'm stocked that my friend can help me with it as it has been on my mind for years and I am finally going to start bringing it to fruition.  I gave myself 5 years to write it because the subject is hard and real and truly me, so it will take time to write something that is true. What else..... Not much else journal I keep saying that I am going to post some poems I wrote at the end of last year so her is one of them.  I called it no intention.

Written Sept. 2022

I have no intentions no no not anymore, it feels silly to continue to think of you and me forever more. 

Your touch your smell and all the things that you do well, will be forever in my memory, I have a new tale to tell. 

I choose to let it go because I know the truth, that I’m a game you played someone to take some space until you found what you needed. I’m sorry I didn’t measure up, I feel so bad for you because you’ve given up. 

Like me there will be no other and I promise you will never fully recover. You will always remember my smile, my soft skin, how happy you were when you would see me. 

Good luck forever is what I wish for you, but you will no longer make me feel blue. I choose to let it go because there is no reason for me to spend more time with you for yet another season. 

I am happy now because I finally see, that I am better off away from thee.

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I leave you you with Shakira - Monotonia - Lately I've been listening to her old and new music, she has so many great songs! Colombian queen she is! Also, I saw her at the airport years ago in Mexico city, Mexico, when she wasn't as famous and she is petit and very beautiful in person.

Where are thou my Romeo!

 Dear Journal -

As always, I think of you all the time, but life is always so busy for me lately that I don't ever have time to do this that I love so much! Lately, life has been pretty weird, I've never felt this way before and I don't know why, but there are days that I want to just run as fast as I can and never come back.  Of course I have always felt this way, this is why I have moved around so very much in my lifetime and to be hones if I were 30, I would be living in Paris! OH PARIS!!! I will see you again next year and I cannot wait! I LOVED Paris so very much! it was New York but with both old and new! with a different language and a lot of history! Kings and Queens and all the things I love from the Renaissance period.  Sometimes I think that I lived back then, but was only a peasant. 

So journal, I have a lot to tell you but I'm really tired.  I decided that instead of writing some long drawn out entry, I decided to post a poem I wrote in May of 2022.  I am working with my therapist on learning how to trust and feel safe, feeling safe is within and if I can't feel safe within, then how can I ever feel ok wherever I am? lots of work to do journal! but each day is a new day to work harder on oneself and be better than yesterday.  I leave you with my poem.....

Where are thou my Romeo!

One day, there will be no tears, no fears, no trust issues, no scary thoughts. 

The sky blue and clear, the one, he will be near. I know somewhere out there he is, why is he always kept so far from me…. 

Where are you my true love! Will I ever feel your tender touch? I yearn for your true kiss, and all the moments that we have missed! I can’t wait to make you smile, I’ve been waiting for you for quite a while!

I dream of you everyday! How will you look? How will you smell? What will you say? Will my trust issues and fears drive you away? 

Oh where oh where are thou my Romeo!

Are you on top of a mountain or out in the sea! 

I’m tired of helping please come and help me!

Why have you been kept away from me?

I'll leave you with.......

More than a woman from the Bee Gees.  

I love music and dancing! this is one of my FAVORITE classic movies.  It was actually filmed in my old neighborhood in Bayridge Brooklyn NY.  There is a scene where a car drives right past the last  building I lived in.  I noticed it the last time I watched the movie and it was so cool to see how that street looked in the 70's.  I LOVE how they dance, such beautiful art dancing is!

Knight in shinning armor!

 Dear Journal -

The post below I initially wrote in June 2022 but did not post it because I never finished writing it.  I did however want to post it because why not? So here is my June post for your enjoyment pleasure! Also, after this post, I did do 1 14er, which I did meet someone on my way up.  We stopped and talked for a bit and we both sort of kind of wanted to be like...... We should hike together sometime! BUT, I was to proud to ask for his number and I don't know why he didn't ask for mine.  He was around my age, tall and thin, blonde hair light eyes and very handsome.  I remember him vividly! what if he was.......... THE ONE! 😱 oh well! as I write this I'm laughing because I truly don't believe in the whole "ONE" concept, I believe in the many! Today is 1/14/23 and I just purchased a ticket for my next trip, I shall tell you all about it upon my return! until then, if I have some time I will post some poems I wrote a few months back, one which I actually wrote on this hike I went on where I saw this man.  I also almost died (more on that on a different day).  It is pretty late and I'm going on a morning hike tomorrow so I want to get to bed.  Life is really good lately journal, I feel pretty happy and just very relaxed and chill.  I did loose someone special on Dec 15th to a terrible accident, everyday when I think of my little cousin, I keep remembering what he told me the last time I hung out with him in Colombia in 2021........ Fuck everyone he said..... Be happy! I shall little cuz, I shall! Love you forever!

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How are thou my masterpiece? I absolutely have fallen back in love with you! I literally think of you everyday! what will I write next? what should I tell on this open book of mine? what should I keep deep in my heart and soul to only share in my book? what title will get people interested in reading you? and mainly, how do I get more female followers? that is literally my dream and the vision I had for this journal 11 years ago when I first started writing it. I wanted female followers because I write for women really! Men don't care about what I go through, at least I don't think so.  Women on the other hand, they may read something that resonates and feel like..... WOW! I'm not the only woman that feels this way! that is all I want, I want a woman to find this blog and feel like they read something that makes them feel like they aren't as crazy as they thought.  By the way, I'm all sorts of crazy! but I would not change who I am for the world! My grandmother (May she rest in peace! Miss her so much!) would laugh so hard at the stuff that would come out of my mouth, that she would be like, esta loca! (crazy girl) I can still hear her laughter in my head, it was contagious! I miss her voice so much!

Today journal, I want to tell you all about my knight in shinning armor! that's right, you read it here first, my knight in shinning armor! The other day I was talking to my cousin and we were discussing the fact that there is someone in her life that she really likes who doesn't know what he wants and this really frustrates her.  She is 27 years old and about to become a lawyer and he is already a lawyer they went to school together and have known each other for years, they have been friends for years.  She tells me that she's just tired of men not wanting to commit and we start talking about that and one conversation leads to another and then I tell her that I have this feeling that this summer when I climb 1  or 2 fourteeners (which are basically mountains that are 14 thousand feet above sea level) when I get to the top, there he is going to be! a knight in full on armor! I described to her this man in a horse with full on armor and we start cracking up! it was so hilarious because as I was telling her this, I literally had this vision in my head of this said knight from medieval times, I just LOVE anything that's from Medieval/Renaissance ages.  

The truth is journal, that sometimes the thought of falling in love ever again is probably the scariest thought I've had in years! after my last post where I wrote about my ex and the fact that he nearly died a few months back and the people in his life sort of blamed me for it, I went through about a week and a half feeling truly sad.  I literally had to talk myself through it all and remind myself that it wasn't my fault and that it didn't matter who people tried to blame, it wasn't my responsibility as he is an adult and made his own choices.  Hearing all that was told to me was really difficult and immediately after hearing all of it I felt a tremendous amount of love for him in that moment and my initial instinct was to run to him and "save" him, but after crying for a few days and feeling as heart broken as I did almost 2 years ago when we initially broke up, I had a really hard time and had to process it all with close friends in order to come to terms with everything that was told to me and I also had to make the decision that I need to continue to move forward and continue to do what I've been focusing on doing which is taking care of myself and working on me as I need to love myself first because how will I ever be able to love again if I can't even love myself first.  I just feel so exhausted from loving so hard my whole life and always being blamed for things that are not my fault. 

I will never forget when my ex husband (whom I was already divorced from) passed away from a drug overdose, I walked into the funeral home and the minute his sister saw me she started screaming at me saying that her brother was dead because I had left him! meanwhile, he already had a new girlfriend and a baby so how the fuck was it my fault? She kept yelling at me saying that the only person that could "control him" was me! who the fuck wants the responsibility of "controlling" a grown ass man.  That has always stayed with me and I'm just exhausted of being the "care giver" to the men I've been with and yes I do date younger men but they aren't little kids, they are adults so how is it my fault if they make their own choices? also, my first ex husband and I were only like 3 years apart so he wasn't that much younger and he had his mother and his sister so how was it my responsibility to "control" him?

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I HAVE to leave you with this song that the badass Shakira just released dissing the SHIT out of her ex husband cheating bastard! it's soooooooo GOOD!