If only I still believed

Dear journal -

It is with deep sadness in my heart that I report to you that my relationship of a year and three months has come to an end, and while it's been now over for a while, it is only now that I can bring myself to type those words, it is definitely over.  I once asked Chino (that's not his real name and he isn't Chinese or Hispanic) if he would be ok with me writing about him or our relationship, and he said that would be ok, however, I never did because a part of me had become lazy and comfortable and always felt like there wasn't much to say about it and if we were going through difficulties, I didn't want others to know about it. 

Now that it is over, I have nothing to say but so much to say all at once.  I guess I can start by telling you journal that I'm deeply hurt, and while this break up is amicable and almost a mutual agreement, I also feel that he didn't give us a fair chance, that when things got tough for him (he had some family issues) he almost took out those issues on our relationship and found anything bad that he could to give up on us.  I have to admit that I had my part in it obviously, and I am in no way blaming him for it all, but I do feel like I got a little bit of the shitty end of the stick.  The hardest part about it all is that we are broken up still sleeping in the same bed, and this is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my whole life! not because I yearn to touch him or kiss him, because I focus so much on this is over, that I don't feel like I want to do any of that, but because he is still there right next to me and I can no longer call him mine.  What did that ever even mean? is anyone truly ever ours? is the simple fact that we share a mutual feeling for one another the sole reason to believe that the person is yours?

I always ask questions that I neither am going to have answers for nor am I going to probably get answers for, but isn't that what life is all about? asking questions and trying to find answers? I guess that's the philosophy side of me that asks, I wish I could of met Plato, he was so amazing! anyway, I started to write this post 2 months ago and couldn't finish it, it was really hard to write about all that I have been going through, but now I feel like I need to write, because writing will be what will make me feel more like me again.  I think the reason why I initially started to write this post was because back then when I was going through all these emotions as I laid in bed with someone who turned out to be a lying cheating fake, I used to so badly wish that I was still religious, I kept feeling like I had no one to ask to help me take the pain away, I kept wishing that I still believed that there is something so powerful out there that it takes it all away, that it helps you through it, I remember when I had a faith, I remember I was taught to give the ever so powerful lord all my problems and he would take them all away, I used to say here are my problems lord, but nothing ever happened, the problems would still be there, but it felt good to put them out there to this great spiritual being that would take them away.  I don't beat anyone for their beliefs as I feel that having faith in anything is better than being like me, I guess an atheist? not really sure what I am or believe in anymore.  But I'm finishing up this post today because I have a few drafts on my blog that I have neglected, and it's time to start putting my life out there again, because nothing matters anymore, I've given up on hope, love, hurt, sadness and every sort of emotion I can think of.  Why? because life is sometimes better when you believe that there's nothing other than an empty space inside of you.

I'll end this post by saying that when you loose someone you love, you also loose your memories of all the good, and only the bad things stay inside and that really sucks............


 

Starting to be me

Dear Journal -

The last almost two months of my life seem like a horrific nightmare that I can't wake up from.  I feel so confused and so deeply hurt.  I am writing you today because I feel that I need to start feeling like me again, and being me involves you.  I know that I have neglected you for way to long, but the truth is that for a very long time I felt no inspiration, I became lazy and began to adopt habits of the person I was in love with.  Sometimes there are people that come into your life and make you want to be better, and then there are those that come into your life and you just become engrossed in them so much that you start to almost neglect yourself.

I don't know what happened to me in this last relationship journal, for so long I worked on myself so much that I thought I was ready! I thought I was the best me that I had ever been, I thought that I was going to be so great with whomever I fell in love with but what I found out was that I hadn't really become my best self, I went back to old habits that I had in my previous relationships, I became so engrossed in the other person that I forgot about the person that mattered the most....ME.

I have been going to therapy now for a little over a month, and I have found out so many things about myself that I am upset that I didn't start therapy before.  I have found that I am too giving and often neglect my own needs to please other people.  I can see how I do that, I guess to a certain extent pleasing others pleases me, or so I tell myself.  But now that I am out of this relationship and I look back, I see it all, how I let myself get absorbed by the person I love, which is so unhealthy.

The person I loved cheated on me and was really cruel to me, I have been cheated on in the past, but I must say, that the way it was done to me this time was probably the worst of all.  I never in a million years believed that this person I was in love with would of been capable of not only cheating, but also giving me explicit details about what he had done.  These visions are still going around in my head, because this is something I just recently found out.  I feel such disgust to know that I was capable of loving such a person, someone that had no remorse or felt bad about what he did.  I mean if I would of done something to deserve what he did, like if I would of cheated first or betrayed him in some way then I guess it would be different since some people are vengeful and feel the need to get you back, but for me to just get all that stuff that I did not deserve, I just don't get it. 

Journal, I am a strong woman, I know that I will recover from this, I know that I will love again and find someone that will truly love me and respect me the way I deserve, but until then, I will come to you whenever I'm feeling down, to put my sadness on here and not hold it in my heart.

Thank you my ever so faithful journal, for you are my rock.

I will leave you with a song my amazing friend told me to listen too, I have to say that I have so many amazing people in my life, that it gives me hope that there are some really good humans out there.  While I know I played my part in everything that happened, I only wish he would of been a bit more sensitive with his words towards me, I wish I could feel that he really regretted what he did and that he really was sorry.  I don't know what goes on in his mind on a daily basis, I have no idea what he must feel or what he is going through.  I am so sad that things had such a sad ending, you always hope that break ups end amicable.  I just need to find the strength in me every single day and remember that this too shall pass, that the hurt will go away, that the anxiety will lessen, that the thoughts of him will slowly disappear, that the love will fade.  I know I can do this, I just wish it would go away faster, because Jazzy's heart is full of sadness.

Too Good At Goodbye
By: Sam Smith

 

Going down memory lane

Dear Journal -

 

Jazzy is going through a whole lot right now, but I can't bring myself to write any of it because I don't even know where to start.  This morning, I was looking through some notes and found this post that I had written but don't think I ever posted.  So, here it is a post from May of 2016, when I was definitely in a different place than I am today.  I think then, I was way happier.

 

I will be back, for there is much to tell..... till then wish me love.....

 

Also, good to note that I have not spoken to AJ for about a year now, he's probably the strangest friend I've ever had, I almost feel like I did something to him that makes him recent me or something, either way, I'm ok with that, I feel like I have all the people that I need in my life.

 

May 13, 2016

Journal

How are thou? I always say this and it's true, I often think of you, but I can't get myself to put the words in here anymore, is almost as if I left you behind in NYC with all my pain that there remains. Sometimes I wonder if this is my place of solace, a place where I came to leave it all behind, my past my hurt my old self. The mountains console me, I never feel down anymore, and while I miss my beautiful sky line, I no longer feel the yearn of being there again. I am content, though I might be alone without a person to love in a romantic way, I have so much love from so many great new friends that I don't miss it, I don't feel the need for it, yet sometimes I fear to end up alone, if that is even possible.

 

I have forgotten what a romantic connection feels like, yet I remember what it meant to me once upon a time. I can honestly say that in CO there is only but one person that sort of reminds me of what a connection feels like and it brings me a bit of comfort knowing that with him although I don't feel it still, I know we had one a long time ago. AJ, who is almost the reason why I ended up here, I grabbed on to him for a reason, and though I still don't know what that reason is, I believe it was part of the journey that I had to go on.

 

I had not seen AJ in a year maybe more, and the other day we had coffee, and for the first time since I've known him, I felt that we were finally in a good place, yet seeing him reminded me of what I felt when I did have connections, but I know in my heart that our connection can only stay as friendship, and I'm truly ok with that.

 

Today however something strange happened, I went to a training for work, and I met a man, who I instantly felt attracted too, I don't ever feel attracted to anyone anymore, but of course just my luck he is married and journal you know how much I respect another woman's man.  Still I could tell the feeling was mutual, and while there was no flirting, something told me that he felt it also, and it reminded me of a book I read that talks about soul mates, how we can have so many in this world, but once you pick one and

they pick you, you must always stay true to that one person. clearly he is with his choice, yet for me, feeling attracted to someone made me feel happy, it reminded me that I can still be one day, so I am alive! I am here! And I'm not a robot!

The crazy thing about this whole story of today is that earlier on my way to the training, a song came on my playlist, that briefly took me back home to Brooklyn! And for a few brief moments I thought about him, the man in B5 and I wondered how he was doing, and sent him well wishes mentally and missed him dearly! I also fantasized how happy we would have been if he would of given me a chance, and how connected I had felt to him, and how not often in life those connections cross your path, and how I could not talk to him became it was best, and how I would of stayed in NYC just for him and would of been ok with that decision, and how much he would like Colorado if he was adventurous like me.

So tonight as I sit here thinking about all of this, it was so easy to make the words flow onto you, because still he inspires me, and still when I think of him the man in B5 it's easy to write, and it reminds me of how he told me to find someone else to inspire me and how it's been nearly 4 years since I last saw him and still the thought of him helps me pour my thoughts into this my journal.

I wish he would have believed in himself the way I did, I wish he could have seen what I did. And so often I also think of Benjamin Nunez, but when I compare the two although I never fell deeply in love with the man from B5 how I loved Benjamin, I know the man in B5 could of become one of my great loves, the connection was out of this world, it was a spiritual one that I know even he felt, or maybe that whole story was all in my creative mind, and maybe it was just meant to be written.

Still, I am glad that today I went down memory lane, that today I was able to put my thoughts and feelings onto you my journal, for it has been to long my lovely! and while I don't know when the words will flow again, I can assure you that once again soon they will! because there is much more to live and write.

Good night.

Does love conquer all?

Dear Journal -  

 

It's been such a long time since I've written you, doing so feels foreign and weird and I'm sorry for that!  I didn't forget you though, I just didn't feel like I had anything worth writing and if I did, it was stuff that I didn't know how to express, I know that all of that is just excuses but I have felt like I have so much going on, that it's hard sometimes to make time for you.  Right now however, I feel like I have a lot to say or at least to work through and when I feel that way I come to you Journal, because I feel like coming to you is sort of therapeutic and helps me feel better.  

So where do I start? I guess I can start by saying that I do not know how to be in a relationship, I don't know how to be one of two people.  Life is so full of surprises, and it's ridiculous to believe that when you enter into something special like a relationship, that everything will be perfect, or that the person you are with is perfect and won't ever do things that you aren't happy with, so that's why I'm here journal, I'm here because something that was done to me within my relationship was not very nice, it was something that's forgivable, but hard to forget easily.  

When things like that happen, it's hard because one side of you is always saying to you, why do you need this person? Why can't you just let this person go? Why do you even bother? What more is there to say or talk about? How many questions can you ask to get the closure you need? And no matter how much logic you put into all these questions, and no matter how much you think that all those questions are valid, there is still that ONE thing that overpowers it all, that thing called LOVE and when that feeling takes control, all of a sudden nor logic nor reality nor anything matters, because that one thing has control of it all and that's why I always wonder, does love conquer all?

Now I'm not on here journal asking you to answer this question for me, like unless by some miracle someone came on this lovely journal entry that is my life and wrote a comment and told me exactly what to do and guaranteed to me that it wouldn't be painful, then maybe that would be a good solution, but in reality, the only solution is to wait it out and hope that the feelings get better.  What feelings you ask? The hurt, the anger, the feeling of vengefulness, the feelings of hate, the feelings of mistrust, the feelings of confusion.  

So what do I do when all these things are going on inside me journal, what do I do? I think to myself, what is the most loving thing that I can do for myself and this other person to make all this better? What do I do to be a good human to myself first and then the other person, how do I know that this too shall pass? So I just wait, I wait because I know that something will give, the universe is kind and loving and when you ask something from it, if you have patience, you get it.  So that's what I will do, I will wait and be patient and hope that sooner rather than later, my answer will be clear and I will no longer be scared and all will be well in my world again.  For now, the important thing to remember is that no one hurts you on purpose, most times it's accidental or without bad intention, and if it is, then that human is not a nice human, but I like to think that if I fell in love with someone, I did so because I saw loving things and therefore what was done was not done to make me feel the way I do now.  So I shall wait, because one day and hopefully soon, this too shall pass and

I feel it coming

Wow! so long since I've last wrote you journal! and while I can't write much right now because I'm at a loss for words (shocker) I can tell you one thing, I'm feeling emotionally overwhelmed! meanwhile, the topic for my group today (I run a woman's group once a week) is on emotional intelligence.  I need to work on my emotions journal, because lately I'm feeling like I'm almost allowing things outside of myself run them, and I'm too smart for that, I need to take control of them and make them mine, control my own.  I miss you journal, I have thought about you quite often and I have to say that it pleases me that you are still ever so faithful just here waiting for me to say something again.  What would I do without this piece of me that I have neglected? It's just that I'm in a serious relationship and sometimes it makes it difficult to write because I am after all always writing about my personal life, except my life isn't my own anymore, I'm sharing it with someone and therefore I have to be mindful of what I will say so as to not offend or reveal too much. 

I leave you with a song, for some reason this song makes me sad, and I haven't even paid attention to the lyrics, just the beat makes me very melancholic..... I don't know why.

Name: I feel it coming
By: The weekend