Is it important that every couple have "a song" I don't know if that is just a dumb tradition or if it's an absolute thing, but I don't think I can remember ever having a song with anyone, which sort of makes me sad because I've been in plenty relationships in my life but I can't honestly say when a song comes on, oh wow that was mine and xyz's song. Sure as I'm writing this post that brings tears to my eyes because I'm super emotional. But I was listening to music and all of a sudden, I found my "future our song" which I mean I don't know who or when I will be in love again, but I hope that whomever that wonderful man may be, that he will be ok with this being our song!
When I opened up my laptop and saw the date, the first thing I thought was..... I think today is Ben's bday! (Benjamin Nunez) that's not his name! so I was like, well I'm too lazy to grab my phone and look on FB to see if it is, and I never remember my FB password so can't do that either, so I googled him and of course he popped up everywhere as he has been blogging for years and has many followers and actually gets comments on his blog, not like me I get zero! but I did see that my page view had gone up, which always makes me happy cause it's nice to know that people (hopefully strangers) are curious to read something or that my blog came up on a search or something. I can't tell who reads my posts but I can tell that there were hits to my blog. So on the web I found out that he also has a YouTube page and I started to listen to one of his videos and 2 seconds later I was like, well, I don't care and I went onto this blog to start writing this post. It so weird to me how he doesn't matter to me now but once upon a time he was all I could think about and now he is just another person to me. He was meaningful though, without him I would not have this blog, he inspired me and that's why here I am still writing! I often get mad at myself because I feel that if I would of stuck to my writing, I would likely have more followers or readers by now and also that I could of thought of so many interesting things to write other than my probably boring life to the masses.
Tonight I'm going to write about my very first experience in my current role, because this story has to be told as it is pretty sad and happens way to often in this world. My current role is working as a social caseworker, working with justice involved youth. I am really excited about this role because when I was in my teens, I feel that my HS counselor changed my life and while I cannot at this time say why she changed my life, I can say that the impact she had on my life was pretty meaningful, so I believe that working with youth is meaningful and can be life changing and I only hope that 20 years from now someone can say, this woman Jazzy who was my social worker changed my life! that would be awesome!
So I get my first case and I'm supposed to meet the family so I call the family and talk to the dad and he tells me that he's grateful to get any support he can with his son, who suffers from mental health issues and that he is really out of control and ran away and they have no idea where he is (this is all I can say about the story) I had a long conversation with dad that morning and we agreed that I would meet the family once son was found and back home. Well, when I reached out to the family the next time, I find out an hour after I message the family to touch base, that the child had passed away presumably from an overdose.
My reaction to this news was to start to cry really hard! (I didn't get the news from the family, I got it from my boss over an instant message) I was so devastated that a child had just lost his life to drugs! anytime someone dies of a drug overdose it reminds me of the huge problem we have in this country and all over this world with drugs. It also reminds me of all the people in my personal life I have lost to this horrible disease! I was so sad for this family and felt really weird because this was my first experience in my current role. That day was rough for me, I kept thinking that I don't know if this is the type of work I want to continue doing, yet I feel that if I left this kind of work, I would probably miss it. I am not sure but sometimes I just feel that this is what I'm supposed to be doing and that life's journey has brought me here to this moment to this role.
I'm going through many different things right now, so I really like to listen to the song I will post at the end of this post. I like it so much because it takes me back to my room in my apt. in Brooklyn, where I first started writing this my journal. This song reminds me that I overcame so much stuff in my life time and that I'm sure that I will overcome so much more. Some days when I'm really down, I think of those who have taken their own lives and I think to myself, I can understand how sometimes life can be so hard and so challenging and so sad and I can understand almost why you would want to just leave it. But, do we really know if death will be better than this what we go through here? I hope and pray that if anyone ever feels that way especially a youth that I'm working with, that they can talk to me about it, who knows, I might just direct them to my blog and say...... You want to read about sad shit, check out this blog! sure I mainly post my sob stories, but I assure you I have had so many happy moments as well. Life is like a wave and you just have to know how to ride it and if you fall, you have to get up and try riding the wave again and again and while you will probably never master it, you will at least learn how to cope.
While I was in my car crying the other day and the song came on, I thought to myself, why am I crying? it could be worse, I could of just lost my 16 year old son! and that made me cry even harder because I will never know what that poor family must be going through and how they must be blaming themselves about what happened. I only hope that they will not break apart and that they will find comfort in each other. I hope that this angel is resting somewhere beautiful and that maybe there is a better place that we go to when our time is here.
On Wednesday I started a new virtual class at the School of Practical Philosophy! I'm so excited that I'm able to take this 10 week class again after all these years 9 to be exact. That seems so long ago yet not really. During the first class, we talked about a few topics but the one that I remembered most was the practice of saying "what would a wise person do?" listening to that brought me back to 9 years ago and I broke down in tears.
When I attended the school back then, I mainly did so because I knew Benjamin (that's not his real name) would be attending the classes, at that point I had not seen him in a few years and when I did, I remember I had to run out to central park during my break to cry. I feel that my life has been filled with so much sadness when it comes to love, it almost makes you want to give up on it, but then I remember that not everyone is the same and that sometimes you have to experience great hurt, to appreciate great love when it does come to your life.
I did cry during the first session reminiscing on a love that I once knew. The love that was so great that it took me years to overcome, but here I am writing about it once again and feeling ok, and knowing that I did in fact move on from that heart ache. The other day or maybe a few months ago, I was looking at Ben's FB page (we are not friends but he's sort of a public figure so he writes about technology and posts on FB, Twitter etc.) anyway, I had not done that in a really long time but every now and then I like to check to see how he's doing, in a very weird way he was a very significant part of my life and some days I wonder if our paths will ever cross again. So I'm looking at his posts and he had posted a song that he had posted way back when we played our virtual mind games and for a brief moment I thought, is this for me? and I was so tempted to post something back almost to say hey I'm still watching or hey, I see what you did or hey look, I still think of you from time to time, but then I decided that those games we played were more hurtful than great.
I wonder if other people have played the game he and I did, I know he was playing it with me, because when we were both attending the School of Practical Philosophy we were having a conversation where I referenced something I had posted on FB and his response to that almost automatically without thinking it through was "oh I saw that!" he and I were not friends on FB so for him to say that meant he did look at my stuff he saw my responses and he played the game with me. Another day he said to me, it was SO HARD not responding to your text sometimes and I thought, then why didn't you? The best thing that came out of all those games was this journal, this journal means so much to me and I'm happy to be back sitting with my laptop and writing, I feel inspired and motivated and think that I want to take another writing class or join a writing group or something that will keep me doing this what I love to do!
When I think back about why I left NYC, I know now that I left because I felt defeated, I've been feeling defeated again lately, luckily I have this journal, great people in my life and a bunch of coping strategies to help me through my difficult times, but sometimes I definitely see how life can really be hard when you don't have any of those things or none. I see how our minds can be so manipulative and how we can tell ourselves things that aren't even true because we are our worst critiques.
Journal, going back to the School of Practical Philosophy has made me miss home so badly! if I could go back tomorrow I would. I wish I could even just go for a long visit, I just miss my Brooklyn so much! I am looking forward to reminding myself before I act, "what would a wise person do" and hopefully figure out ways to cope with the things that life throws at us everyday!
Here are the posts I wrote about the school before:
I feel like it's safe to say that we all FB stalk every now and then, I had been off from FB for a really long time and then I got back on and sometimes I enjoy it but I don't feel that I go on it as much as I did years ago because I just like Twitter better. But yesterday I was having a really rough day and for some reason I thought about the man in B5 Wilferm! (that's not his real name) but he did tell me once that I could use that name as his alias for my blog. Anyway, he doesn't have a FB page or maybe he does I feel like I found something weird that he would do so it might be his, but either way, I know names of people in his family so I looked up someone's name hoping that maybe they had posted a picture of my old friend and that maybe I could see him.
WELL, to my surprise the person I looked up had posted pictures of their wedding, which I recall the wedding because the wedding was when he and I were friends and him and I had talked about it and he had told me he was part of the wedding party. When I looked at the pictures and saw him in one of those old wedding pictures I thought to myself....... WOW! He was truly the man I would of never left NYC for! I swear that the connection I felt with him was so unreal and I wish he would of seen what I did, but such is life!
I once told him I did that, you know looked up his family on FB and he got annoyed at me, I'm not sure why he was annoyed, I wasn't stalking them I simply missed my friend and wanted to see if I could know something about him, we are human that is what we do sometimes. I don't talk to him anymore but there are SO MANY TIMES when I want to message him so badly and say hello, but I'm afraid he won't respond and I just don't feel like feeling like shit. I saved the picture that I saw of him on my phone because the next person I fall in love with, is going to look just like him and is going to have similar traits. He is tall thin and has dark hair dark brown eyes and the most amazing lips that I got to kiss and that was fun! He has a pretty cool family, they just all seem so chill. I remember him telling me that his mom was a hippie and she seems like she is and that's pretty darn cool!
No matter how many heart breaks you go through journal, there is always that memory of the people that you've met that should set the standard for what you want. I lost myself in a world of lies and deceit and heartache and pain, but I always come back better! I KNOW that my one is out there with all the wrong girls, and one day we will meet. Who knows, maybe one day Wilferm will come to his senses and contact me again! IMAGINE? I would move back to Brooklyn in a NYC minute if that ever happened! one can wish and dream and hope, this is my journal and I'll wish if I want to!
Ps. tomorrow I start virtual School of Practical Philosophy and I cannot wait!!! so exciting!
