If only I still believed

Dear journal -

It is with deep sadness in my heart that I report to you that my relationship of a year and three months has come to an end, and while it's been now over for a while, it is only now that I can bring myself to type those words, it is definitely over.  I once asked Chino (that's not his real name and he isn't Chinese or Hispanic) if he would be ok with me writing about him or our relationship, and he said that would be ok, however, I never did because a part of me had become lazy and comfortable and always felt like there wasn't much to say about it and if we were going through difficulties, I didn't want others to know about it. 

Now that it is over, I have nothing to say but so much to say all at once.  I guess I can start by telling you journal that I'm deeply hurt, and while this break up is amicable and almost a mutual agreement, I also feel that he didn't give us a fair chance, that when things got tough for him (he had some family issues) he almost took out those issues on our relationship and found anything bad that he could to give up on us.  I have to admit that I had my part in it obviously, and I am in no way blaming him for it all, but I do feel like I got a little bit of the shitty end of the stick.  The hardest part about it all is that we are broken up still sleeping in the same bed, and this is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my whole life! not because I yearn to touch him or kiss him, because I focus so much on this is over, that I don't feel like I want to do any of that, but because he is still there right next to me and I can no longer call him mine.  What did that ever even mean? is anyone truly ever ours? is the simple fact that we share a mutual feeling for one another the sole reason to believe that the person is yours?

I always ask questions that I neither am going to have answers for nor am I going to probably get answers for, but isn't that what life is all about? asking questions and trying to find answers? I guess that's the philosophy side of me that asks, I wish I could of met Plato, he was so amazing! anyway, I started to write this post 2 months ago and couldn't finish it, it was really hard to write about all that I have been going through, but now I feel like I need to write, because writing will be what will make me feel more like me again.  I think the reason why I initially started to write this post was because back then when I was going through all these emotions as I laid in bed with someone who turned out to be a lying cheating fake, I used to so badly wish that I was still religious, I kept feeling like I had no one to ask to help me take the pain away, I kept wishing that I still believed that there is something so powerful out there that it takes it all away, that it helps you through it, I remember when I had a faith, I remember I was taught to give the ever so powerful lord all my problems and he would take them all away, I used to say here are my problems lord, but nothing ever happened, the problems would still be there, but it felt good to put them out there to this great spiritual being that would take them away.  I don't beat anyone for their beliefs as I feel that having faith in anything is better than being like me, I guess an atheist? not really sure what I am or believe in anymore.  But I'm finishing up this post today because I have a few drafts on my blog that I have neglected, and it's time to start putting my life out there again, because nothing matters anymore, I've given up on hope, love, hurt, sadness and every sort of emotion I can think of.  Why? because life is sometimes better when you believe that there's nothing other than an empty space inside of you.

I'll end this post by saying that when you loose someone you love, you also loose your memories of all the good, and only the bad things stay inside and that really sucks............


 

Starting to be me

Dear Journal -

The last almost two months of my life seem like a horrific nightmare that I can't wake up from.  I feel so confused and so deeply hurt.  I am writing you today because I feel that I need to start feeling like me again, and being me involves you.  I know that I have neglected you for way to long, but the truth is that for a very long time I felt no inspiration, I became lazy and began to adopt habits of the person I was in love with.  Sometimes there are people that come into your life and make you want to be better, and then there are those that come into your life and you just become engrossed in them so much that you start to almost neglect yourself.

I don't know what happened to me in this last relationship journal, for so long I worked on myself so much that I thought I was ready! I thought I was the best me that I had ever been, I thought that I was going to be so great with whomever I fell in love with but what I found out was that I hadn't really become my best self, I went back to old habits that I had in my previous relationships, I became so engrossed in the other person that I forgot about the person that mattered the most....ME.

I have been going to therapy now for a little over a month, and I have found out so many things about myself that I am upset that I didn't start therapy before.  I have found that I am too giving and often neglect my own needs to please other people.  I can see how I do that, I guess to a certain extent pleasing others pleases me, or so I tell myself.  But now that I am out of this relationship and I look back, I see it all, how I let myself get absorbed by the person I love, which is so unhealthy.

The person I loved cheated on me and was really cruel to me, I have been cheated on in the past, but I must say, that the way it was done to me this time was probably the worst of all.  I never in a million years believed that this person I was in love with would of been capable of not only cheating, but also giving me explicit details about what he had done.  These visions are still going around in my head, because this is something I just recently found out.  I feel such disgust to know that I was capable of loving such a person, someone that had no remorse or felt bad about what he did.  I mean if I would of done something to deserve what he did, like if I would of cheated first or betrayed him in some way then I guess it would be different since some people are vengeful and feel the need to get you back, but for me to just get all that stuff that I did not deserve, I just don't get it. 

Journal, I am a strong woman, I know that I will recover from this, I know that I will love again and find someone that will truly love me and respect me the way I deserve, but until then, I will come to you whenever I'm feeling down, to put my sadness on here and not hold it in my heart.

Thank you my ever so faithful journal, for you are my rock.

I will leave you with a song my amazing friend told me to listen too, I have to say that I have so many amazing people in my life, that it gives me hope that there are some really good humans out there.  While I know I played my part in everything that happened, I only wish he would of been a bit more sensitive with his words towards me, I wish I could feel that he really regretted what he did and that he really was sorry.  I don't know what goes on in his mind on a daily basis, I have no idea what he must feel or what he is going through.  I am so sad that things had such a sad ending, you always hope that break ups end amicable.  I just need to find the strength in me every single day and remember that this too shall pass, that the hurt will go away, that the anxiety will lessen, that the thoughts of him will slowly disappear, that the love will fade.  I know I can do this, I just wish it would go away faster, because Jazzy's heart is full of sadness.

Too Good At Goodbye
By: Sam Smith