I'm sorry you are hurting!

Dear Journal - this journal entry was originally written on 10/9

What more could be said to someone that is but the shell of someone you once knew or once loved or still love?

“I’m sorry you are hurting” That’s sort of what you tell your friend who someone else did something wrong to and you are the outsider watching it happen and you feel bad for your friend so you tell them you are sorry because you really are, but you have no responsibility in that pain they are feeling. That is what was said to me. I’m sorry you are hurting!

I believe that if the person that caused me the pain that I was feeling can’t even take responsibility for their actions, then why bother saying they are sorry that you are hurting or even saying anything at all?

Being sorry is being able to acknowledge and telling the person exactly what you are sorry about. Admitting that what you did was wrong, expressing to that person that you hear them and that you know what you did was wrong, admit that whatever you did was because you didn’t know how to handle the situation or that maybe your own feelings had changed and you didn’t know what you wanted. There are so many ways to apologize but to pretend that you weren’t the cause of someone’s pain and say sorry to make yourself feel better is such a coward move!

And I’m so angry that someone would have the audacity to say something like that to someone you repeatedly tortured. I feel as if I was sat on a chair and tied up and beat, and I had no choice but to sit there and take the beating because my hands were tied. To lie and deceive and continue to lie and deceive and then not accept or take responsibility for it, what type of human does that? I’m disgusted in myself that I was fooled for so long and that I allowed someone to play with my emotions and make me believe that I was the bad one for so long.

I’m amazing! I take full responsibility for my actions, I say I’m sorry when I know that I’m wrong! I work hard everyday to be a better me so that I bring joy to someone’s life. I’m honest about my feelings and intentions. I believe that being genuine and vulnerable and sincere is a gift and I understand that everyone doesn’t have to love you or want to be part of your life if they choose too, but to play with someone’s life and emotions, that is not ok and I am a believer that what we do to others eventually comes back to us, so instead of me going on and on and on to someone that caused me so much anxiety, anguish and pain I decided to just write to you my ever so loving journal, put it on this internet page so that it is out there in the world and out of my system, because I’m done giving away my power, I’m letting go of this pain and suffering, I’m moving forward and becoming better because of it. I am forgiving because if I don’t I will have to carry that burden and don’t want too anymore. I’ve said and said and said and my words have fallen upon deaf ears, so I don’t need to keep saying.

I only hope that this individual that caused me to feel all this pain, may one day recognize that what they did was wrong, and that telling someone you love them should be an honest thing and that people are not made of wood and that you should know what you want before you speak. And that you should think before you speak.  I think it's funny that this same person once told me that I needed to think before I spoke, yet they said and said and said and their actions contradicted their words.  I always say actions speak louder than words and there is no truer saying.  Our word should be our bond!

When I wrote this journal entry, it made me think of the song from Madonna, for a minute I thought I would loose my mind!

Journal, I'll leave you with my favorite I'm sorry salsa song, that Ronald (may his soul RIP) dedicated to me once. 

A broken heart

Poem - Written on 9/30/20

My heart is aching, why my love, where did we go wrong? Was I too much? Where you to much? In what world could we have been better? Your lips I will always miss, the tender kisses we often shared, the love we showed each other when no one else was there.

Oh my love, my heart it aches, no one but you could take away this pain, but now I know that it wasn’t true, the words you used were all so painful, like stabs to my heart with wooden splinters from an unfinished table. I will never remember the wonderful moments for those leave our memories once the heart is broken.

Oh my love what will I do with out you? I don’t know this world anymore, for my world was you and now you are gone!

Red flags are a real thing!

Dear Journal - 

I have so many journals that I have not published, mainly because they were very personal journal entries that I wrote whenever I was going through stuff with my ex (Chino) that's not his real name.  Anyway, he died (to me, not in real life) so I have decided to start posting things I wrote through out the 4 years I spent with him.  

I'm still very deeply hurt and emotional about this and definitely not over it all, however, when I look back at my journals I realize that I should of let go of this person over two years ago, yet I stayed because for some reason I thought that I could make things better, and that I would beat the odds, but mostly, I didn't want to fail at yet another relationship.  It's hard accepting the hard truth sometimes.  

Today marks a month that we broke up and today I felt ok.  Time really does heal wounds.  I have to believe that and I have to read these old journals to remind myself that it's ok to fail and it's ok to want to try and it's ok to give chances, but it's also important to know your self worth and to love yourself. If I don't love myself, then how will I ever love someone else?

I also want to make this post public because sometimes I talk to people and they tell me how they are still in or how they stayed in relationships even when they deep down always knew it wasn't right or that the person they were with didn't acknowledge or cared enough about them to work on it with them.  I also want to share these because I'm in the process of letting go and putting this on here makes everything REAL! this is my journal my life and I'm not embarrassed to share these things because I'm not the only human being that goes through these things and I'm done hiding and even more so, I'm done hiding things from others and myself as if I did something wrong.  

It takes two to tango! additionally, all these entries just show red flags left and right but when you are in it, you just don't want to see it! It blows my mind how I felt this way almost 3 years ago and felt this way right until the very end, FOUR YEARS WASTED!

This journal entry was originally written on August 12, 2017 @7:08 p.m. on my iPhone notes. 

I don't know how I'm supposed to move on from something that is so difficult and I'm supposed to be ok and if I'm not he gets mad at me like I'm the one that did something wrong? 

Like how am I supposed to do that and when is this feeling going to go away or is it ever going to go away? Cause I don't want to live like this I really don't, I feel sick to my stomach anxious and just plain bad. 

What is going on in my world? What the FUCK! Not only do you do something SO fucked up, but then you expect me to be ok and act like you didn't just fuck me over like I didn't mean anything to him! Fuck this, I'm done feeling like shit because of him.

I'll leave you with......... Tears on my pillow