FUNERAL AFTER MATH

I really like it when I stay home on a Saturday night.  I remember when not going out on a Saturday night made me feel like I had failed at something, like I was loosing out on something.  Now, if I don't go out on a Saturday or Friday night, I feel like it's ok, like I am still happy regardless, it really feels good.  


I am finally happy.  I really do believe, that when I used to go out every single weekend, I would go out, to try to fulfill something with in me, because I always felt like something was missing.  I could not understand why?  To go out and drink and party, made it feel like I was filling a void.  Except the next day, all I felt was hung over or tired and then I would feel like I was loosing a whole day because I would be to tired or hung over to do anything else.  So ultimately, I wasn't really accomplishing that which I wanted to, at the end of the day, I still ended up feeling un fulfilled.


These days, if I go out, I go out because it's a choice and not because I HAVE TO, to feel happy.  If I go out now, it's because I get in the mood to do so.  I am happy with my life, I don't need to drink or party to feel happy, I have found internal happiness and fulfillment.  Of course I am not saying that I don't have bad days, or that I don't have days that I feel down.  What I am saying is, that happiness is not something that you can find by doing an activity, in my case, by partying.  Happiness is something you have to find inside yourself.  Something that is within us that we all can have, if only we stop looking to others and to activities and material things to feel it.  I think I'm on my way there and this makes me feel well....... Happy!


Anyway, the best part of it all, is that I feel good and ready to start another day.  No I am not saying that I will not party again, I still love too, but I don't NEED to and that is where I feel that I am succeeding.  Partying does not describe me as so many have judged me in the past and labeled me "party girl"


I just woke up and saw my notebook from my writing class on my night stand and it called my name.  So I figured that I would start my day by doing one of my favorite things to do.  I grabbed my book and turned it to a random page and decided to continue to log my very short stories that I wrote during my 5 week creative writing class.


I told my teacher that I wasn't really big at writing fiction and that I wrote a journal.  He told me that even with writing a memoir, you could still get creative with it.  So for this one class, to accommodate me, he asked us to write down the names of all the people we ever knew and then pick one of them and write about an experience we had with them.  


I wrote down the names and then chose to write about someone, that I have not heard from or seen in many many years.  I don't know what made me choose him, it was just a random choice, or maybe it was because all the other names I wrote down, I couldn't at the time think of something that would be good to describe.  I would always feel like I had writers block when I would be at that class.  


My teacher told us that memoir's don't have to be accurate, because after all, they are events that already took place.  The whole point of this exercise, was to enable us to be specific with details of the setting where the conversation or event took place.  I'm really bad at that stuff, but, you know what they say...... practice makes perfect.


The below story is a factual event that took place about 11 years ago at a restaurant the I went to with some friends and family, the day of my first ex husbands wake.  At the time of his death, him and I were no longer a couple, but we had become really good friends.  This conversation that I am writing below, is the conversation I had at the restaurant with his best friend.

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We were all sitting at the restaurant, I can't really recall who exactly, but I do remember that one of the people was my cousin (who I will refer to as diamond) and my ex husbands best friend who I will call (Jimmy).

The restaurant was packed with people chatting away.  We had just come from Ron's wake, all dressed in black our eyes swollen from crying.  The smell of different foods being prepared in the kitchen filled the air.  It almost gave the place a serene feeling, we sat and waited for our food to be brought out.  We all felt so extremely sad and shocked at what we had just been through the last few days.  Jimmy and I, began to reminisce about the days when I had been married to Ron, how I would get so mad at Jimmy, because he would always cause Ron and I to fight.  I started reminding him, about the time that him and Ron had lied to me, so that the two of them could go out to a strip club and how I had later found out about it and when I had confronted Ron about it, Ron had made up this whole big story blaming Jimmy for taking him.  We began to laugh at the fact that Ron was really good at story telling and how I would always just get so confused by his stories, I would ultimately just believe him and fall for the lie.

We laughed really hard not only at the fact that Ron was so extremely awesome and funny and a damn good liar, but at the fact that I was so very naive sometimes.  The waitress came with my plate, that was filled with rice, beans, steak and eggs and yellow fried plantains.  The smell was so delicious and the variety of colors on the plate so inviting, yet neither the color or the smell, made me feel like eating.  The sadness I felt in my heart for just having lost a good friend and someone who I had spent 3 years of my life with.  I could not believe he was gone.  I had no appetite at all.

I started to eat almost against my will and continued the conversation with Jimmy about his and Ron's many adventures where I almost felt like I had been the victim of all their fun.  And all of a sudden, without even hearing myself say it, I said something like.........Maybe if you would of realized back then, that he was a married man and that you needed not be so needy of him, and would of allowed him to spend more time with me, instead of always trying to drag him out of the house to be with you all the time, doing things he shouldn't be doing, maybe that would of helped my marriage to him last longer.  I always felt like you were so present in our lives, that you almost broke us up.  And for what? so you could continue to hang out with him, partying being with different women every day, and using drugs to the point of his death?  

As the words were coming out of my mouth, I was almost in disbelief that I was saying them.  But the truth was, that that is exactly how I felt.  This man sitting before me, sipping on his beer, had in my mind caused my break up with Ron.  

When I was done saying what I did, it almost felt like the whole restaurant had become silent and I was looking straight at him with no expression on my face.  He then came back at me.  He was infuriated, he put his beer down, looked at me straight in my eyes with a look that said, I want to choke you you bitch! but instead of chocking me he began to raise his voice as he said the following....... 

You fucking cheating hoe! if it had not been for you cheating on my friend, he wouldn't have been out partying and doing drugs.  Don't fucking blame me for his death you slut! because you know very well, that you are as much to blame in all of this, as I am.  How fucking dare you, blame me you bitch!

At that point, we just continued to stare at each other in complete silence.  We were both so angry.  At that moment my cousin Diamond began to talk about the fact that Ron's baby was going to be raised without a father.  Jimmy got up, his beer began to spill on the table, the waitress came running to pick up the mess.  Jimmy stormed out of the restaurant.  My cousin Diamond moved her chair closer to mine to hug me as I I began to cry...... 

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As a side note, I have to say, that when we loose someone we love, we tend to begin to blame ourselves and others for it.  What if?  

When I walked into the funeral home on the day of his wake, I will never forget that his sister started yelling at me telling me that had I stayed with him, he would still be alive.  She said, you were the only one that was able to control my brother.  I don't believe that a wive's job is to control her husband.  Being Ron's wife was really hard.  

The story is very long.  Some day, I hope to write my book and when I do, I will tell the story exactly how I remember it.  At the end of the day however, a few days before my friend Ron left this world, he came to my house hugged and kissed me on the cheek and told me he loved me as a person and that we were friends.  And many times he acknowledged to me that he was aware that he had messed up on me.  Ron and I had made peace with each other and we had both acknowledge our wrong doings.  We were at peace with each other and that is ultimately what mattered to me.  

I think of him and miss him often.  I will never forget him... May his soul be in peace.....

Telling PERRY THE FUC$ OFF!

OH GOD! I love to write, I have been slacking off lately and I just grabbed a note book from my creative writing class that I took at the beginning of this summer and I remembered how I told myself that I was going to put everything I wrote in that class, on my journal.  


My teacher would give us a thought and we would have to come up with a story or a scenario and write it. For this one class, he told us the following......

Scenario

Imagine you are Elaine and you call your boyfriend Perry, you are calling him because he did something to upset you, so the minute he answers the phone, and says hello, you start going off on him.  A few minutes later after you are done telling him off, the person on the other line says, sorry you have the wrong number.


Some people wrote some interesting stuff, I actually wish I had the capability of being as creative of some of those fine people that I shared five weeks of creative writing with.  I however, imagined my scenario in a very violent and abusive way.  This probably comes from the fact that most of my relationships have been abusive in nature.  I am hoping, that the day God brings a wonderful man to my life that I shall love and care for, that he (God) will also give me the patience and tolerance, to not repeat a relationship that is mentally, physically, or verbally abusive in nature.  A loving, wonderful relationship should not have any of those things.  Below is the story I came up with for that class.  We would get a few scenarios in each class, and get 10 minutes to write something.   

Elaine is pissed at Perry...

The phone rings and he picks it up........ HELLO........


ELAINE: What the fuck is your problem with me!  I would really appreciate it, if you would ask questions, instead of accusing me of shit I didn't do! I'm seriously sick and tired of you and your attitudes.  You never ask any questions, instead, you start acting like a fucking asshole with me, simply because you are assuming something that isn't even true!!!!


Ask questions you fucking idiot! no one says you can't!  And another thing, next time you fucking hang up on me, I will never again pick up your calls Perry!


On the other line there is complete silence, which makes her even more upset, she is shacking with anger, all she wants is for him to communicate with her, why is this so difficult?  She is still waiting for him to respond.  Maybe 5 seconds have passed, but to her it feels like hours.  She finally says.....WELL! what the fuck Perry say something.  Immediately after that, John says, Elaine it's me John sorry that you and Perry are going at it again.......


Elaine is in shock.  In that moment, she realizes that she called Perry with such anger, that she is glad she is telling poor John off instead, because what she just said to Perry, had she gotten him on the phone, would of probably made the problem bigger.  


She begins to cry to John and John her dear friend listens quietly.  John says to Elaine, why don't you calm down and call him when you are no longer upset and tell him exactly what you said, but in a soft, calm, gentle voice and without the profanity.  Maybe if you let him know how his silence makes you feel, he will realize how much he hurts you.  Good luck Elaine... I'm here if you need me.


John hangs up and Elaine sit's on her bed and cries.........

For Good

Someone recited the words of this song yesterday at a meeting, and as she did so, tears began to roll down my face, because immediately, I thought of you, BENJAMIN.


I don't know if you ever visit my blog, your name is all over it.  Although that isn't your real name, I know you know it's you.  I hope you have, I write again because you were my inspiration.  You made me want to be better.  I miss you still, my friend.


YOU CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER!


For Good - Wicked musical

CONQUERING FEAR.....

I have written journals all of my life.  Most of them I no longer have, this makes me sad.  Journaling to me has always been a sort of therapy for myself, writing makes me feel happy.  I usually write journals when I have something on my mind that is bothering me.  I wanted to put something on my blog today, so I went back into my old journals to look for something to put on here.

I found this one, the one I am about to share.  I decided to put this one on here, because I was accused of being single, due to me having mood swings.  I honestly never even realized that I do have mood swings, but I do.  To my defense however, the reason why I have them sometimes, is because I get really scared.  When I say scared, I will describe the scare feeling as best I can below…….

I am thinking of a situation let’s say, usually the situation will have to do with a person that I like or something.  All of a sudden, I start to get this feeling like throwing up, my hands start to get sweaty and I feel like I can’t breath, my stomach feels sick and I get extremely anxious, like I need to get rid of something.  Then, I have to take deep breaths to catch my breath because I feel so scared that I can't breath, so scared, that it makes me want to run really fast.  It’s CRAZY I know, but it happens and that is when I turn around and tell whoever it is that I am getting these feeling because of, that I want to be left alone.  After I do that, I feel better like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and like I am ok.   

Lately, I have been working on controlling this fear.  It is really hard, but I think it can be conquered.  I have learned, that fear is the biggest impediment to happiness.  I am a happy person for the most part, but I want to be even happier, so, I need to not allow fear to control me.

Here is my journal entry from June 7, 2010 - 11:50 PM.

Dear Journal:

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"I have been running around New York like a crazy person looking for someone to love me"  Quote from Carey Bradshaw in the movie Sex & the City 2

That is how I feel and yet in the deepest of my heart, I know that the reason why I don’t find it, is because I hold on to a dream, the dream that one day, he will run after my plane. (like in the movie when the girl is leaving and he runs to the airport to tell her not to leave) when I say him, my dear journal, you know who I mean, I mean him, my love, Benjamin Nunez… How can I even try to give someone a chance, when I found the love of my life, I want him and no one else will do.  Oh God, how will I ever overcome this feeling for him. 

One week 7 days and 21 more to go.  I am going to draw the picture that I imagined in my head and I am going to send it to him.  I also want to adopt an animal for him the one’s you adopt in another country.  I have no idea why I would do any of this for him, he does not deserve my love.  How can I like anyone else, when he is the perfect one for me? No matter who I try to be with, I always compare them to him and no one comes even remotely close…….. MY LOVE! Benjamin Nunez.

I will show him that having a heart like mine is not one that you find around the corner. Or maybe in 21 days, it won't matter anymore.

I can’t do this anymore, I won't do this anymore.  I AM DONE!

Summer of 2010 Health, Mental well being, my beautiful children! and in the deepest of my heart in a little corner hidden, there he will be, MY LOVE! Benjamin Nunez….. 

I love this song.......Sia - Breath Me, he introduced me to it and it is simply lovely!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ab_Mri-M5go

JAZZY THE JEALOUS BI$CH AND PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR!

The other day, I was joking with a friend that his ex girl friend probably went on my FB profile, trying to investigate who I am and what business I have with her ex man.  I was telling him that although my business is very public because I keep my profile public, she probably wasn't going to find anything out regarding my business with him, unless she asked him or me. 

The social network dilemma in my opinion, is crazy! But I think, that we ourselves make it even crazier.  For the most part, instead of asking the person we care about, what business he/she may have with a friend on his/her friend list, we make assumptions and it becomes a huge dilemma, when it shouldn’t go that far.   We assume things and make up our own stories in our minds because we let jealousy take control of the situation.  I know, because I have been victim of this sort of jealousy myself.

 

I am the first to admit that I have a jealousy bone or two in my body.  However, I am constantly working on learning how to control these feelings, because jealousy is something that if not controlled, can ruin relationships and drive people to do really crazy things.  As I have gotten older, I have learned many things about jealousy and one of them is, that we are able to control it.  It all goes down to how I feel about myself and how much I trust the person I am being jealous about. 

I think that I am a pretty secure woman for the most part, but that doesn’t mean that if someone I am seeing does something in appropriate or straight out disrespectful, that I am not going to feel something about it or that I am not going to say something simply because I don’t want that person to think I am jealous, or because he may think I am insecure.  We all have insecurities, we are human.  Jealousy, as a friend once said to me, is to a certain extent a healthy feeling.  It shows your insecurities, but it also means that you care.  I for one won’t be jealous of someone I don’t care about.  If I care about you, then I will probably be jealous about any given thing.  In my opinion, as long as it is not out of control, then there is nothing wrong with the person you care about or vice versa, to show a little bit of it every now and then.  I happen to feel very flattered when someone who cares about me, demonstrates a little of it.  As long as he isn’t crazy and out of control with it, I find it very attractive and extremely cute.

With regards to my friend who I was having this conversation with about his ex girlfriend or current girlfriend (they got back together) the truth about our relationship is, that he is my good friend who comes to me for advice, advice about her! If she only knew what type of man she has, she would not in a million years have anything to be insecure about or jealous about.  He is my platonic friend that I happen to think is great guy and that is the extent of our relationship.  Yet his girlfriend is probably thinking lord knows what type of things about us.  Jealousy can blind you to the realities of the situation.  This is why trust and communication is so extremely important in a serious relationship and in all relationships for that matter. 

I have been confronted by woman before about their men, and I will tell you this, if a woman asks me about her man, I will tell her the truth about our relationship whatever that may be.  I am not afraid to be confronted, because I don't date married men, so, if someone lied to me and he happens to be married or in a serious relationship, he is going to get caught.  I refuse to lie for anyone.

That evening after my friend and I laughed about his ex or his girlfriend (they are back together) on how she was probably an FBI agent trying to find out who I was.  I started thinking about my previous serious relationships and my days of having my very own private investigation practice (no I didn’t really have an office) what I am referring to, is how I am guilty of having been one of these women that would FBI agent my ex man to find out what he was up to! CAUSE I WAS NOT ABOUT TO GET PLAYED!

While I was thinking about it, I couldn’t help but to laugh really really hard at myself, for having been such a ridiculous fool.  I was Jazzy, the undercover detective, who in her private investigation, found out absolutely nothing and was still getting played! YES, THAT’S HOW GOOD HE WAS! I got played like a fool and the private investigation led me to finding out absolutely nothing.

When it came to my ex man (my oldest sons father) I was the biggest private eye in NYC! While I was with him, he was one of these cute popular guys who EVERYBODY KNEW.  The Graffiti Artist from uptown Manhattan, with the good looks and natural charm.  He was extremely popular with the ladies, but everyone knew that I was his girl, so, everyone also covered for him (including the girls) it was crazy! During our relationship, I always felt like something was not right, I would get overwhelmed by the fact that I felt like everyone wanted a piece of my man and like I had to constantly try to find out if he was cheating on me (which he always was) and although I was constantly trying to investigate what he was doing, I was still getting dogged and everyone knew it, except me!

 
I'm not exaggerating about my investigations, when I tell you that one day I followed him, I followed him for blocks and watched him meet up with his friends.  I felt so insecure about what we had that I went to the extreme of following him.  As I write this, I cannot believe I did that.  Other times, I would look through his belongings, check his beeper (yes I said beeper remember those?) and question his friends as if they were going to tell me something.  Just thinking back at all that effort, gets me tired.  Being with him was exhausting.  Other times I would show up at his apartment at 4am in the morning without letting him know, I would as I used to call it, roll up on his ass, just to see what he was doing, IT WAS CRAZY!

One time, I “rolled up” and found him with 3 other guys and 4 girls hanging out in his apartment, when they saw me, they all looked shocked and scared, I felt like something wasn’t right but I was so naïve that because he immediately said good night to everyone and went to his room with me, It didn’t even dawn on me that they were all there coupled up and the girl he was with, had to watch as the guy she liked left with his girlfriend (me) to go have sex with her in his room.  They all covered for him (including her) and I didn’t find out about what she was to him until after our break up WTF!

After I had my baby and him and I finally broke up for good.  The stuff I found out was horrible.  A few years later I had a conversation with him about the stuff that had happened and the things he had done behind my back and he apologized to me and told me that I didn’t deserve what he had done, but that he was not ready at the time to be in such a serious committed relationship and that is why he done all he did.  I understood him and from that experience I learned my lesson.

What lesson did I learn? Well, for one, I learned that in order to commit to someone, you have to get to know them and see if you are both looking for the same things.  You have to establish trust and communication in order to build something good.  I learned that no matter how much I investigate, it ultimately leads to just a waste of time because some people are just THAT good.  I also learned that if you just let things be, eventually all will come out to light and you will find out anyway.  Yes I found out after the fact, but, till this day, he says that he knows he lost something great.  It was his loss not mine who needs to be with a cheater?

After that relationship, I decided that I will never be one of those women again, I will not go around making a fool out of myself investigating what my man is doing.  If I have a concern, I will ask him about it and I will give him the benefit of the doubt.  At the end of the day, what he does behind my back is in his conscious and as I said before, EVERYTHING always comes back around to people.  If someone I love betrays me and my trust, then he is the one that will loose out. 

So, my advice to anyone who stubbles upon this post whether male or female is, if you don’t trust the person you love, you should NOT be with them.  Who needs to go around trying to find out what the person you love is doing behind your back all the time? You should never have to feel that way, a committed relationship, should be based on trust and love.  Without that, you don’t really have anything.

TE ESPERARE

Dear Spring and Fall, you make my life complete, I LOVE YOU!.  That's what I thought about during the heat wave from the last few days.  But I don't like to complain, because it's useless.  Every minute that we spend speaking useless words, we use up energy that we can use for things that are a bit more significant.

I went camping with my good friends, my two young children and my nephew, and watching them having a great time was truly rewarding.  While I was there, I found out something that made me feel extremely sad.  I wasn't going to write about it, but I feel like I should, because this is a significant thing that I felt and feel that if I share it, it will be out of my system.

I was the only one of my friends who had full internet service on my phone this weekend (thank you AT&T) and so I was scrolling down my newsfeed on facebook and there on the front page of the news (or at least that's how it felt to me) My friend was writing a dedication to his brother (my ex boyfriend who I  just recently wrote about http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/07/cheating-bastards.html ) congratulating him on his recent marriage.  When I read it, I was shocked, even though he has been with the same woman for a few years now, I was still shocked.  So I told my friends and I discussed it with them and we laughed about the facebook drama by the bon fire.  

I also told my friends that his new wife who had clearly taken his name because that was her name on there, had commented on the post.  My friends told me laughing, that I should comment also or like the status and I told them that I didn't want to comment on it because I used to have another FB page a few years ago that the Facebook police deleted (I call it facebook police) but it was really the administration team at Facebook that deleted the account, because they thought I was soliciting (long story) anyway, I had found him on there a few years ago and when she found out about it (he had told her all about me) she blocked me off his page.  Long story short, I didn't want her to have to feel like she needed to do any of that (I respect her and him) in addition, I am no longer in love with him, but he will always hold a very special place in my heart.  As I said at the time that I found out she had blocked me and will say it again, she could block me all she wants, but she can never take what we shared (him and I) from either him or I ever.  I further chose not to like the status because although I am extremely happy for them and wish them all the very best life has to offer, deep down inside, I did not like it.

I forgot about it until I was driving home and the kids were sleeping and all of a sudden, I found myself crying, thinking that my Hex was now a married man and that maybe, had I made the right choices at the right time, that would of been me.  Or maybe, I felt that way because for the last few days I have been feeling a bit down, or maybe because he got married and I am getting divorced, or maybe because I have been single for so long now that it's starting to take a toll on me or maybe it was a combination of all those things, still, I felt really sad in that moment and I cried.  I thought, WOW, he's married, I am so happy for him and her, she got herself a good one!

Then, before I could allow myself to continue the pitty party, I thought to myself, oh well that was then this is now, I made the right choices because had I not, I wouldn't have my beautiful daughter (I chose to stay with my soon to be ex husband) instead of staying in Florida and that is what was supposed to happen, I made the right choices and I do not regret it.  And after that I was ok and moved on with my day.  

This blog post was intended to be about a song, the name which is the title that I gave it.  The song, also came on while I was at the camping trip, my friends had went somewhere and I stayed at the camp ground alone with my baby girl.  I did not have any music on, but the people that where in the tent next to us, happened to be Colombian just like me, a lovely couple.  So, they are playing some old Colombian music and I think to myself, OH GOD! I REALLY DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO THAT.  But next thing I knew, on came this song, that reminded me of my grandaddy, my grand daddy who passed away years ago, was, is and always will be the truest love of my life! and when I heard it, I started singing it at the top of my lungs (I hope the couple didn't hear me) and then, I thought, I want to translate that beautiful song and put it on my blog.  

Below, I introduce to you the beautiful song, TE ESPERARE (I will wait for you).  It would appear that  due to the content on this  post which is about my ex getting married and the title of the song (I will wait for you) that I thought of him with the song.  I did not however (when I heard the song, I didn't know he was married yet) actually, I didn't really think of anyone specific or maybe, I briefly thought of someone.  


I didn't think of this person because I felt like I am going to wait for anyone, but because the lyrics are so deep, that they touched me and briefly brought that someone to my mind.  But, mostly, the song reminded me of my grandfather because the reason why I know the song is because he would always play it and get drunk listening to it.  I MISS YOU GRANDPA! EVERY DAY! Thank you for introducing me to such beautiful music, that till this day, touches me deeply! My grandpa wanted me to learn how to play this song on my guitar (I was 14) he wanted so bad for me to learn how to play the guitar well, I never did, wish I had though! I miss you GRANPA! MY LOVE!

Below are the lyrics, I translated them into english.  I translate better then google! (http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/03/friends-for-what-dammitgianluca.html)

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TE ESPERARE BY: JULIO JARAMILLO (I WILL WAIT FOR YOU)

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I will wait for you, I know you love me

And I will be, your adoration

in my memory, your name will be recorded

All of my life, I will wait for you, and you will be, my true love!

My sky, why do you leave me crying?

Don't forget, my love for you!

You know very well, that to have you is my ambition

I will wait for you, I know you love me

And I will be, your adoration

in my memory, your name will be recorded

All of my life, I will wait for you, and you will be, my true love!

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIeM5LD5yiU

I WROTE HIM DOWN!

All of my life, I have gotten what I wanted.  It's true, I know that who ever reads this is going to think that I am crazy and that I am writing nonsense, but it's true.  I wish people would believe the secret, because the secret, as in the book the secret, is real.  It is also called the law of attraction which I will defined below.  I copied and pasted it off of wikipedia.

I never really knew why I got everything I wanted, I had no idea.  All I know, is that whenever I would wish for something for a really long time, all of a sudden, it would happen.  When I say that I wished it, I mean I would be like, I wish xyz.  I never really related the things that I got with the wishes I made.  Regardless, in the last few years however, things started making sense to me and I began to notice that my wishes were coming true.  I know this sounds strange, but again, don't believe me, find out for yourself.  Wish and you shall receive.

Anyway, this post is not to try to convince you to believe in the secret or the law of attraction.  That is completely up to you if you believe it or not.  Actually, when I was younger and would read the catholic bible, there is something on the bible that says, faith can move mountains.  I always wondered what and how in the world, could faith move mountains, now I know what that means.  

Be careful what you wish for, because wishing is having faith, faith, that there is a greater more powerful thing then us.  God is real, he is ever so present in my life.  I know that, because I give love and receive love every single day of my life. God is just that, he is love.  Aristotle refers to him as the un moved mover, I will write about the un moved mover soon.  But again, let me not get side tracked and tell you what this blog post is about.  This blog post, is about one of my wishes.  

A few months ago, I was on the train feeling really down and a bit lonely.   As I so often do, I grabbed my IPHONE and began writing on my notepad.  I began to think of the man that I wanted and how he would look and I wrote him down.  I wrote his physical characteristics down, because I am shallow, I have strange taste in men, but I know what I like.  So, I wrote this man down on my IPHONE.  

I had forgotten all about what I had written.  A few months ago, I met a guy at a small club in another city.   I didn't really think anything of it, I actually after meeting him had even forgotten I had.  The night I met him, I had had one too many.  Anyway, him and I began talking but as I often do, I was just like whatever, just some other guy to have as a friend.  Then one day, I was going through some of his pictures and I was thinking to myself how cute he was, and then all of a sudden I thought, OMG! I WROTE HIM DOWN! OMG I WROTE HIM DOWN! when I realized that, I needed to make sure because I was seriously freaking out, so I grabbed my phone and sent him a txt message to ask him for his height,  when he told me, I seriously freaked out even more! I had never wrote down the height that I wanted, but I had always thought it.  The thing is, that when I wrote him down, I wasn't specific as to what I wanted, all I had written, was his physical characteristics.  That day on the train, I was just thinking of how my man would look.  I never really thought about all the other essential stuff that are important for a relationship to work.  None the less, I realized in that moment, that I had met him, the guy that I had written down.  As I write this, I am still freaking out, because the law of attraction is extremely real!

Anyway, after this happened, I have been very careful with what I wish for.  Now I know where that phrase came from, the phrase "be careful what you wish for" because it's true.  Now, I'm not saying that I don't work hard for what I get and I'm not saying that things happen over night.  What I am saying is that faith can move mountains.  With love in our lives, anything is possible.  God is love, pure love.

This gentleman that I wrote down, has been invading my thoughts ever since.  He knows it, because I tell him.  I haven't told him I wrote him down though, but I will, when the right time comes.  Quite honestly, if someone told me they wrote me down, I would probably get freaked out by that.  I don't want to freak him out anymore then I probably already have.  

So, this post is to tell whom ever comes across my ever so faithful journal, that the law of attraction is real and that I believe I have met someone very special, I met the man that I wrote down.  I don't know what the outcome of this meeting will be, but I can say this, this guy is awesome! and I may fight with him, get mad at him and whatever else.  But I WROTE HIM DOWN AND HE CAME INTO MY LIFE.  And I WASN'T EVEN LOOKING!

So, if you want something really bad.  All you have to do is give your love to humanity, wish for love and peace and ask for what you want with faith.  And of course, make sure you write it down!

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DEFINITION: LAW OF ATTRACTION - 

The Law of Attraction is a metaphysical New Thought belief that "like attracts like", that positive and negative thinking bring about positive and negative physical results, respectively.  According to the Law of Attraction, the phrase "I need more money" allows the subject to continue to "need more money". If the subject wants to change this they would focus their thoughts on the goal (having more money) rather than the problem (needing more money). This might take the form of phrases such as "I have as much money as I need" or "I have a job that pays very well".

Damn! I can't believe how well I know you're mind!

I don't know if I'm happy, sad, pissed or just stunned! You are weak! I cannot believe you.  Did you think that I wouldn't know you well enough to know your next move???

GROW UP JERK FACE! IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING SERIOUS!

I'm proud of you though! OFFICE MANAGER :D Too bad I'm more into running, not really into Pilates.  AWWWW! LOOK AT YOU ALL GROWN UP! :)

SKY IS THE LIMIT! 

Oh, and one more thing, if I happen to unfortunately bump into you on campus.  I will walk past you, as if I don't know you.  Because it wasn't as serious to me as it clearly was to you.  

I LOVE MY BLOG! Because on here, I can vent!

Journal Entry - 7-20-2011

Dear Journal - 


OMG! I have no idea what the hell I'm doing anymore, but one thing I can say to you is this.  For over two years, I wrote a live journal and sent it to someone, who probably deleted every single entry I sent him.  One day, I decided that I was going to start you..... My ever so faithful Journal and share you with any and all who wished to come into my life, read my thoughts and experience the world through my eyes.  


Lately, as I have began to notice that many people indeed read my thoughts, I have began to feel a sense of hesitation as to what I shall say.  This is not good, the point of you, was for me to begin to feel comfortable with sharing my life with others, because one day, I will write a book where my life will be exposed in a very scary way.  My thought of sharing this journal, therefore cannot become one where I hold back and keep secrets from you, because you are my live journal.  


Back when I was sharing these journal entries with un-deserving eyes (aka Benjamin Nunez, that's not really his name) but when I shared my journals or sent him numerous letters which were really journals because I was sharing my life with him (sort of) I would begin to write and get completely lost in the moment.  I would just write away.  The words would just flow onto the page, almost without me thinking, I would literally forget that I would be sending that journal entry to someone.  


Lately, as I said, I have felt a sort of hesitation when I write, that I am not really liking.  For this journal entry, I will allow my hands to do the writing, I will forget that some may see it and I will let myself get lost in this moment....... This one, the only one that counts........


Today as I was riding the train home, it dawned on me that about 3 days ago, I received a voice message from my husband telling me the following.  He said, Jazz, I need for you to tell me what day works best for you so that we can meet up and go to the Colombian Consulate, so that we can fill out divorce papers, I want to do this as soon as possible.  At first, I literally looked at my phone and was like what the fuck? where did that come from.  And then I smiled.


This information, or this message, I only shared with one individual whom I had dinner with last night.  The very nice gentleman who bought me flowers after.  I had a really nice time, yet I know in my heart that I can only ever be his friend.  Maybe, not even that.  I feel like this gentleman has romantic feelings for me that I cannot return to him.  I do not think is fair, for me to take up any more of his time or thought process, when he could be out spending his time, energy and money, with someone who is a more suitable woman for him.  


After receiving the lovely flowers that he gave me, I left feeling extremely sad.  At that moment, I realized that I could not remember when was the last time that I had indeed been given flowers.  My whole train ride home after spending time with this fine man, I felt extremely sad.  The last flowers or flower that I received from a man.  Was on Valentine's day about 4 years ago, when my husband came home with a single rose, threw it on the kitchen table and mumbled under his breath Happy Valentine's day.  


After that day, I swore that I would never care, that I would never love and that I would never marry anyone ever again.  I hated my marriage, I hated my life!


Today, I am sitting here feeling sad, because that same man who threw the rose on the table and gave it to me with no love, finally asked me for a divorce, a divorce, that I have for so long wanted.  Today, as I was riding the train, a song came on my IPOD that brought tears to my eyes.  Usually, I listen to music and read at the same time, for the most part, I'm involved in my reading so I am not really listening to the music.  Today, I put my book down and just listened, and when this song came on, the sounds of the guitar where so deep, that they touched the deepest of my soul and all of a sudden, I was standing on the train doors with tears in my eyes.  Thank God I was wearing shades! 


I cried because it dawned on me that I will be getting a divorce soon and that once I do so, I am truly free.  Yes, I have been free for almost 4 years now, but for some strange reason, I liked to say my husband, because it was almost my shield to not be with anyone, if I have a husband, I cannot have a boyfriend, I cannot marry anyone, I am married.  I know exactly why it felt safe, it felt just that, safe.  


But safety was not the only reason why I felt sad, I felt sad, because I remembered the day I got married to him, I remembered how much I once loved him, how I did so much for him, how I thought I would finally have the family that I always wanted.  I felt sad that my children were not able to grow up with their father, I felt sad that life isn't fair, I felt sad that I don't even know when all this happened.  So, I just stood by the doors and cried.  


But then, the strangest thing happened, after I experienced that sad moment and I embraced it, a few minutes later I felt extremely happy.  I was thrilled, I kept thinking.... HOLY SHIT! I need to get back to him with a day.  And then I was soooooo happy! because guess what??? soon I will finally be divorced wooooo hoooooo!!!!!!


I also, after experiencing that moment of happiness.  I began to realize and understand why I hesitate what I will write on my live journal.  Obviously, one of the reasons is because I am constantly talking about people.  I feel like certain people feel like they know me more because they have read what I write, it's really weird when someone says something like... OH Yeah, I saw that.  I never thought that my little journal would start to become this way.  I had no idea anyone would care or read it.  I realize now that all those years that I wrote to undeserving eyes, I could of wrote on here, my live blogger/journal where people that actually want to know can.  


I don't force it upon anyone like I did to him, meaning, sending direct emails to him (Benjamin Nunez, that's not really his name).  No, I do not, this here is at will.  It is my will to write and it is someone's will to read.  I share my life because I want especially women to know that they are not alone, that I feel the same things they do.  And if a man reads my journal, then I want him to know how deep a woman can be.  I have so many ideas for my journal that I can sit here and write all night.


To end this journal I must say this.  My other hesitation on writing without thinking, is that I get lost and say too much, yet I don't have anything to hide.  I once promised myself, that he who comes into my life, will have to accept the fact that I write my thoughts and I don't lie on my journal, that he who will love me one day, will have to take me as I am, or watch me as I go.  This extraordinary man (whom ever he will be) will have to understand that sometimes I might write something he may not want to know, or I might talk about my past in a way that will make him feel uncomfortable.  


So, my hesitation is that I have been getting to know someone now for a few months, yet I have never once asked him if he reads my journal, nor do I intend too.  I have no idea if he reads it.  If this man has read my journal and feels like he can handle my life and feels like he can handle all that I am and feels like he can say to me, I read your journal, because he is ok with it.  Then so be it.  Only time will tell what the outcome of him and I will be.  


But, I must admit that I will not let anything or anyone, ever, get in the way of my goals and my dreams.  Even if that means loosing a hundred men in the process.  "The one" if there is such a person or if there will be such a thing in my life again, the one that is going to occupy my thoughts and get my heart "that one" whom ever he shall be.  Will come when the time is right.  I don't know if I met him yet or not, I have no idea, but I will not hesitate again to write the truth on these pages.  I will not hesitate to share my life with you, my ever so faithful journal.  Because you, I have loved since I was young, you, have been in my life always.  I have always kept a journal, and now I am sharing it with the world or rather, with deserving eyes....


Good Night.


The song that made me cry...... Muelle de San Blas by Mana.  I LOVE THAT GUITAR!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3vkQZWO_Bw

LIVING IN THE MOMENT.

A few weeks ago, my friend and I went on a road trip to Nebraska.  During that trip, her and I got into some seriously deep conversations.  I'm telling you right now, that if you ever want to really get to know someone, you should go on a 20 hour road trip.  While you are on the road, all sorts of conversations come up, I have to say, that it was one of the best road trips I ever took and I seriously dislike driving.   I went on that trip, because I wanted to go visit some really special people.  I do not regret taking that long drive, I actually rather enjoyed all the driving.  I had a great time, with some great people.


But I am not writing this post to discuss or brag about how much fun I had (because I did) I am writing this post to try to explain one of the conversations me and my Swansti (that's my friends name that I took the trip with) had.  Her and I have been friends for many years now, when her and I first met, I didn't really care for her much and as I found out during our road trip, she wasn't very fond of me either.  But Swansti and I have become very close friends since then.  During our trip, her and I talked about everything from, having babies, loving, being married, cheating, betrayal, death, sex, religion and finally, my favorite topic in the whole wide world..... PHILOSOPHY! OH PHILOSOPHY HOW I LOVE THEE LET ME COUNT THE WAYS!


She asked me, how I felt about the Philosophy classes that I have been taking since January of 2011, at the School of Practical Philosophy in NYC.  My response to her, without a second thought was..... I LOVE THEM! Indeed I do! going there once a week is truly amazing (there are no summer classes which I am bummed about).  I always leave there feeling extremely happy and fulfilled.  I will not deny that at first, I went to those classes because of two loves, my love for Philosophy and the love of the man that I was madly in love with.  But, afterwords, my love for him began to die slowly and my love for Philosophy grew immensely and so I must say, that attending those classes, was a win win situation.  


Win, because the man that I was in love with for so long, who was not in love with me was attending also and by being around him and being able to share these few moments with him, I began to realize that maybe he wasn't as extraordinary as I once thought he was, or maybe, being around him made me realize that when someone does not want to give you back what you give to them, then we need to learn to accept and move on.  There will always be other extraordinary people, if we only give those other people a fair chance.  Something I did not do for a very long time.  I refused to even remotely try to see the extraordinary in another human being.  But I am learning slowly, that we all have something extraordinary to share.


I will admit, that attending those classes with him was extremely difficult.  There were many times, that during the break, I would go outside to central park which is only a block away from the school and sit on a bench and cry.  I would cry really hard and then try to get myself together and build up the strength, to walk back into that classroom as if nothing had just happened.  Going to those classes with him made me stronger.  Facing my biggest fear (him) was very difficult.  But yet again, I can attest to one very important thing.  Love hurts, but it does not kill.  I am here alive and well, writing about the pain and the tears and telling you, that we can overcome heartbreak.  


But enough about my sadness as this is starting to make me depressed (because I am re-living those moments by thinking about them).  What this post is about is LIVING IN THE MOMENT and living in the moment is just that, it is not allowing ourselves to constantly relive those painful experiences that we often have to overcome.  Living in the moment is a discipline.  I am going to try to describe what living in the moment is, as clearly as I possibly can, however, please forgive me in advance if I seem to be rambling and carrying on, or if my thoughts are not put forth clear enough to understand.  Quite frankly, it is still difficult for me to understand it myself.  


For many years, I was one of those people who used the very popular phrase "I just like to live in the moment" when I would say this phrase, I had no idea of the deep meaning that living in the moment is.  For many people, living in the moment is running around acting crazy and having fun, because they are "living in the moment" I was one of those people.  An ignorant fool, that had no idea what the fuck I was talking about.  Yes, I did say ignorant, because that is exactly what I was.  Living in the moment is not about that, I will try to explain however, what I am studying and reading, and trying my very hardest to accomplish or to learn.  As I said, living in the moment is a discipline, there are people that take years and years of their life, trying to master this very thing.  


Being able to live in the moment, is almost like having this amazing power, this secret that many are oblivious to, this thing that when you master it, you can be in complete happiness and love.  I have only experienced living in the moment maybe once so far.  I experienced it fully, one day while I was running.  I have to say, that that was probably one of, if not the most wonderful fulfilling moments of my life thus far.


Living in the moment means this.  We often live in our minds, meaning that we are constantly thinking.  Our thoughts take on so much of our life and energy, that most often then not, we are going through all kinds of emotional turmoil, because we are in our thoughts, in our minds, thinking and thinking and carrying on.  But we are not our thoughts, unless we let our thought control us.  I am not saying that we should not think, that's why trying to explain living in the moment is so difficult.  If you take time to analyze your thoughts however, I bet you will find, that most often than not, you are living either in the past or in the future.  In other words, we are constantly thinking about something that happened or something that will happen.  We think about yesterday, an hour ago, tomorrow, the next day, two years from now, what he/she said, what they did, etc. etc. when in reality, the only thing we have real control of is this very moment, this one, the one where I am sitting on my bed with my lap top on my legs and writing this post.  Yet even in this moment as I am writing this entry, I am not completely here, because in the very back of my mind, I am thinking about someone.  That's how difficult it is to live in the present moment.  It is EXTREMELY HARD! 


So what am I learning by going to these Philosophy classes? I am learning different techniques, that will allow me to accept the fact that this moment is the only true moment we have and that when we free our minds of all these constant thoughts that serve no real purpose in our lives, we begin to experience some sort of peace in our hearts and in our souls.  When you live in the moment, the situations that arise, begin to become easier to tackle.  When our mind is clear of all these old thoughts and ideas that we are raised with, that are taught to us by our parents, by our religions, by the people we grew up around.  We begin to see life in a very different way.  Things become clear and concise in our minds.  Situations are easier to control.  Emotions are easier to handle.  We become better parents, partners, friends, lovers.  We start to understand how easy life really is.  


I am writing this because I truly with all of my heart really believe this.  I know that it sounds crazy to some, but I know that since I began trying to un cover what living in the moment really meant, about a year and a half ago and began to educate myself on the topic, to read about it and to try little by little to at least for a few minutes of the day to practice this discipline, my life has all of a sudden, become so extremely meaningful.   Situations look clearer to me, I understand others a bit better.  I enjoy life a little bit more, with not a lot more.  I have to say that it is extremely awesome!


I feel like I have this secret that I want the world to know about, but no one will pay attention and understand.  I feel like I want every one to understand it, because when we all do, this world will be a much better place.  I wish I was able to explain living in the moment, in greater detail.  But it is still quite difficult for me to do so, because I myself and trying to learn about it.  However, everything I learn, I want to share with you, because if you take the time to read what I have to say, then I want to write something that is worth your time.  


I am currently reading a book called Journey to Ixtlan the lessons of Don Juan by Carlos Castaneda.  This book is also about the same discipline which is living in the moment and being a warrior.  I want to be a warrior, but not the kind of warrior that goes around fighting with a sword nor do I want to be the "warrior" as you may think of when you hear that word "warrior" to be, nor do I want to posses the same strength a male warrior has the warrior that we all think of when we think of the typical word "warrior".  


When I say I want to be a warrior, I mean I want to some day, have the discipline, to live a fruitful happy fulfilling life that we all have the power to live (that is the warrior way) A warrior is a human being, that lives with a heart full of love, who honors and respects the earth, people, and all things.   A warrior is a kind human being, who has discipline in his/her actions and control of his/her life.  They live in an honorable way.  A way, in which no matter their social class, they can contribute to the world we live in, in a meaningful way.  We can all accomplish these things.  We just need to want to do and all the tools we need, will be put in our paths, to do so.


Anyway, I am not even close.  But I am no quitter, so when I fall or slack, I get up, dust myself and try to start again.  I am not perfect nor will I ever be, but one thing I will try to do, for my own peace of mind and well being, is to try to live in the moment, to try and learn to become the best possible warrior I can become.  Love all people and treat others the way I want to be treated, give respect to to all living things.  


At the end of the day, all that is promised to us is this very moment, tomorrow is never promised, so we have to live this one in the best possible way we can.  Because this one, is the only one that counts......


PS.  IT IS HARD AS HELL :-)

SIN SIN CORRECTIONAL FACILITY.

Blonde blue eyes and Polo by Ralph Lauren is the only thing that mattered to me when I first laid eyes on "Polo" yup that was the name that he went by. 

I have written before about my party days when my life was filled with nothing but party nights about 6 days a week of it, yes, it was a lot of fun.  What else does a girl do at 18yrs old taking care of herself and finding comfort in serious relationship after serious relationship after serious relationship? I saw him and he saw me and it was lust at first site.  I'm not sure what I liked more, the blue eyes, the blonde shadow beard that he had at 18 or the fact that he was a romantic pieces, no matter what the reason was, I found comfort and happiness in his arms.

The minute Polo named me his girlfriend, I met his wonderful loving family who took me in as their  own daughter, so much was their love for me, that whatever they bought their own real daughter, I got one too.  It was awesome.

When I met him, he told me that he had been in trouble with the law, and that he would possibly be going to jail, I did not care, all that mattered to me was that he was a handsome Irish Italian guy who spoiled me with hugs kisses and gifts, what else could a young girl living alone in NY want? (my parents had left to go back home) and I was alone to explore the city that never sleeps any way I possibly could.

Soon after meeting him, just as he anticipated, he was convicted and sent to prison to do a 1-3 year bid, I don’t remember exactly what the charges were, but I do know that it had to do with drugs and grand theft auto.  Once he was convicted and sent to Riker’s Island in NY, My adventure of the "dating the convict story" began.  As I sit here and try to re-live the facts of my adventure, the most notable thing besides my "getting engaged at Cayuga Correctional Facility in a visiting room, witnessed by a room full of inmates and their guests (Yes he proposed to me on his knees in a visiting room in a prison).  Was the fact that I met Jesse, my loving friend who I lost touch with and till this day I have not been able to find.  And also the fact that I met a wonderful mother (his) a woman who did whatever she could for her child.  A role model of what a mother should be like.

Jessee became my best friend, in her, I found a girl just like me, that enjoyed partying, visiting her boyfriend in jail and most of all dancing.  Her and I would often choreograph our own dance moves that we would later do in the clubs that we would frequent after being dropped of on the 42nd street Times Square bus stop, where our 6-8 hour bus journey would end after visiting our respective boyfriends that were in jails upstate NY.  Her and I would visit "our men" every weekend, and after our visit, we would come home and party like rock stars, as “our men” thought we were home waiting for their calls… NOT.  Hey! I was 18 years old, I wasn’t married to the dude, actually, I wasn’t even in love with the dude, I cared for him very much though, because if I had not, I would not have taken those trips to a jail.  Additionally, the fact that his mom bought me cloths and gave me money often was also a big incentive to stay in that crazy relationship.  Again, I was 18 and on my own.  His mother had taken me in as her own, she gave me affection and gave me things to keep me happy.  By her keeping me happy, it made her son happy. 

One of my most vivid memories of that episode of my life, was this one time when we had to make a quick stop at Sin Sin correctional facility to drop off a girl or two who's man was doing a 25 to life bid.  Holy SHIT! Is all I can say!  When we pulled up to the jail and I woke up and looked up, all I saw was these high scary gray walls and bob wire fence that stretched around the whole prison.  In addition there were armed guards all around.  The air felt cold and moist and the smell was of dirt after a rainfall.  As I write this and a vision of that horrible prison comes to my mind, I cannot help but to feel a cold chill running down my back.  It was a terrifying place.   Sin Sin correctional facility, holds the worst of the worst criminals in NYS while the bus was standing there letting people out and I was looking out of the window witnessing this horrible site I could not help but to feel the cold almost foggy aura that lingered over that bus and it scared me half to death.  As I remember this and write it, I can't help but to think, Dear God, hundreds of lost souls in there, was that a purgatory? The men with the blood of many on their hands, serial killers, murderers and all kinds of societies most frightening people were all there, behind those high gray walls.

Now that I am a mother and think back about that loving family that took me in as their own, I can only imagine the suffering of Polo's poor mother.  She was one of the most loving women I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  She called me her Jazzy and that I was.  I didn’t’ realize it then, but now that I am also a mother, I realize what pain she must have been experiencing.  It is no wonder that she would want to be good to me and treat me as her own, as I was the only happiness her son knew for about 8months (that's as long as I was able to handle that "bid") the story has a lot more details to it that I do not wish to divulge on my blog, but I can honestly say, that I do not regret it.  Polo and his family really cared about me, I know for sure they did.  I cared about them very much as well. 

I learned a great deal about life by having lived that experience.  I met a lot of woman that stood by their men through their hard times.  I met my loving friend Jesse who I think of often and wish I could see again.  But most of all, I learned that a mother or rather a great mother, is the only one that will be by your side no matter what you do.  Polo's mom, did that bid and many more with him as he after coming out of jail, went back again and again.  He became institutionalized.

I spoke to him a few years ago and got told off for being a bitch, yes, he told me off.  When I spoke to him I felt really sad, because I could tell he was stuck in a place I had long forgotten.  He was stuck in the past, he had not moved on from the pain I had caused him by leaving him while he was still in jail.  I am not sure what he expected me to say or do, when I spoke to him and we caught up, he told me that he had been through a lot of things after we lost contact.  He told me how once had been cornered by some “Latin Kings” who are a jail gang and they had cut his face.  He had gotten 200 stitches and had a horrible scar.  I felt so bad and sad for him, that handsome face ruined by people that run around hurting others just for name.  Polo had such a big heart, he was such a great guy and life took him through some really hard times.  It is so unfortunate what some people go through, yet some of us think we have it bad.  This is why it’s important to me, to often evaluate my life and be thankful for the wonderful things that I have.  So many have it and have had it so much harder.

I never married him obviously, I had actually paid for my own engagement ring that his mom was going to slowly pay me back for and never did because I broke everything off.  He was the only man that has proposed to me on bended knee.  I realize now that we were both so young, and that, that was not a serious proposal (meaning we were young and didn’t know any better).  He did it more so I assume, to secure that his girl would stick by his side, I’m not saying that he didn’t care for me, I am sure he did, but again, we were so young and he was behind bars.  I was not able to handle it all after a while and I deserted him after the traveling started to get tiring.  Yet after Jazzy was gone, there she was, his mother, ever so faithful to her true love (her son). 

On mothers day, as I saw my first born get ready to go off to work and I kissed him goodbye, I felt a sense of....Oh my God! my baby is growing up! I thought about that wonderful mother I had the pleasure of knowing, and all of a sudden, all that she did for her baby boy made sense to me.  Her love for me, her embracing me for being with her son when he needed someone most and all that she did, I would probably do as well.  The love for your child, is like no other.

I no longer see or know anything about that wonderful family, but I have a diamond ear ring (I converted my engagement ring into an ear ring) that reminds me of a story I once lived.