Wednesday, January 30, 2013

THE REASON......

 "I look around me and I see, that life is just as it should be" ~ My Best Friends Wedding

Dear Journal:

Today I told my creative writing professor about him, how falling in love with him had gotten me back into writing.  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html My professor looked at me and asked me if being with him had inspired me and I responded that I had never been with him, I had only loved him.  When I said that out loud, I did not feel sad.  After, I walked out of the school onto the beautiful campus, put my earphones on and the first song that played when I turned on my iphone was The Reason, by Hoobastank, the lyrics finally didn't make me cry.  There was a time when I couldn't even listen to it.

The crazy part about the whole thing was that the assignment I had just received from my professor was for us to print out the lyrics of our favorite song, I do not have a favorite song, but now I know what lyrics I will be turning in as my assignment.

After all these years, I finally understand the reason.  The reason is that him having touched my life made me better, but now I no longer cry because I am free from that strong love that I once felt.  I am free of all that hurt.  I forgave finally and let him go....

On the way home I read the materials for my statistics class, I gave a pair of gloves to the lady that sells churros in the train station, I gave her a hug and made her smile.  Then, I stood waiting for the next train dancing to another song.  

Life is just as it should be!

The Reason ~ Hoobastank
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV4DiAyExN0 

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Dear Journal: 1-27-13

Dear Journal -

Tomorrow starts the first day of my new life! well, I think of it as a new life because the first day of every new semester I get very excited and very nervous! I love attending school! it is so much fun being around a bunch of people that although they do a whole lot of complaining, they also are all there for one main thing and that thing is to learn! I LOVE IT! it is so awesome when we get into all sorts of conversations and you find out that there are people there with the same interests as yours.  I love that I get to meet new people and see some that I have known for the last three years that I have been attending college.  It's also really awesome to meet new professors, everything about being in school is just really really cool and I am really excited. 

This semester I will be taking statistics for psychology, GOD PLEASE HELP ME! I'm sooooo scared for two reasons, one, it is statistics for my major and two, I am not the brightest when it comes to mathematics so I only hope that I can find someone to pair up with as a study partner, hopefully it will be a cute boy (insert grin here) just kidding journal! (no I'm not!) why shouldn't I be around cute boys? there is absolutely nothing wrong with a single woman wanting to sit around the cute boys, men, guys, dudes or whatever other name you want to call the male species! that which Jazzy can't live without! yes, I know I said a few days ago that I was in my "I hate all men mode" but honestly, how long can I stay in this mode? all I do is think of AJ and quite honestly the only way I am going to forget about him is by giving someone else a chance at the very least find a distraction to keep my mind off of thinking of someone who doesn't think about me! I have not spoken to AJ since January 1st. that is a total of 26 days, I thought it took 28 days to break a bad habit? so, I guess in two days he will be completely erased from my mind?

Speaking of mind and thinking, when I was taking my cognitive psychology class last semester, I suggested to my professor that her and I come up with a pill that could erase the specific memories from the brain that trigger the thoughts of people.  Believe it or not, there are specific parts of the brain that are responsible for different thought processes and our brains are just MAGNIFICENT! I told my professor that if her and I joined forces (she is a neuroscientist) we could become rich rich rich! I really said it just like that, I said the word rich 3x, I think I got that from a movie I saw once.  Anyway, when I said that she laughed.  I really liked her very much, she was pretty darn awesome! I especially liked her at the end of the semester when I saw my A- grade! wooo hoooo!!! hard work pays off!

I learned a significant amount of information last semester and I had a very successful semester, I only hope that this one will be as rewarding and enlightening.  I also hope that I won't be crazy and overwhelmed the way I was last semester, I get so stressed out with school work sometimes, it's just crazy! I always tell myself the same thing I tell my children, do as best as you can and that is all you can do as long as you are trying your hardest, then you can never fail! so true indeed are those words, so true indeed journal.

I will be attending school four days a week and I will be back in my not having a life mode, but I quite honestly don't mind it, I feel like I have had so much fun through out my life, that I don't really miss out much by always being so busy.  During my break, I was able to relax, spend time with friends and family and watch a few movies.  My favorite was The Other Boleyn Girl, great movie! it just made you feel every emotion possible.  I absolutely LOVE movies that take place in the Renaissance era, that is my favorite time period, I always think I lived at that time.  I love all those beautiful dresses women wore and I love the romance of it.  It's pretty cool!

So I shall come back and report to you my lord, what trouble I get myself into this semester and please my darling, do not judge thee for any such things you should find on this my beautiful journal.

Great flick - The Other Boleyn Girl



Saturday, January 26, 2013

I call them my angels, some call them friends..

Dear Journal:

If you know anything at all about Jazzy, you would probably know that Jazzy absolutely loves me some quotes! Quotes are pretty awesome if you ask me.  Why you ask? Well, a quote is trying to put a point across in as little words as possible, and anyone that knows me at all, knows that I can't do that for beans! but I'm working on trying to write shorter posts, per my good friends request! Anywho, one day I was looking for a friendship quote and I found one that said that friends were our angels on earth or something to that effect.

This post is intended to be a brief summary of my friendships.   I am one of those people that uses the word friend very loosely, meaning that I call quite a few people friends.  However, I think that in my mind, when I say "Friend" and I am talking about a specific person, although I am using the term friend to describe that individual, in my mind I have a mental picture and a true idea of which category of friendship they fall under.  I think it is safe to say that all people have various friends for various purposes.  In this post, I am going to write about my day to day friends that I interact with on a constant basis and hope to describe in what realm of friendship they fall under.   

Please note: these are my male friends, some of which are "virtual friends" that I might have never actually met in person.  They are seriously my lovely Angels that I go to for all sorts of love and support... I love them all dearly!

The first Angel I want to mention is my friend from California named Michael.  I met Michael over a year ago on Tagged (a dating website that kind of reminds me of myspace) What can I say about this amazing human being that has been in my life now for over a year? Michael is simply awesome! I tell him nearly all my sorrows and love stories and challenges and he is just always ready to hear me out.  At first, it took me a little while to warm up to him because his initial intent was to pursue me romantically.  So, after talking to him and being honest with him about the fact that I did not see him the same way that he saw me, we had a serious conversation where he assured me that he understood his place in my life (that of a platonic friend) and that he was ok with it.  Since I have been led on before and I don't like to do to others what I do not want to be done to me.  I waited until I was sure that he saw me as just a friend and thereafter began to develop the friendship we now share.  I  have video chatted with him (I don't video chat with anyone) but for Michael I will make the exception because he is truly awesome! he is this handsome, Tom Cruise looking young man from California that loves his movie collection (over 1,000 to date) He is a total and complete nerd which I absolutely love to make fun of and he makes fun of me.  Michael has become quite the ladies man lately and I have the pleasure of being the insider and knowing all! One day I was really really depressed and I called him and cried to him about all my sorrows and he just quietly listened and allowed me to let it all out and after he gave me some great advice.  He understands me, has never ever ever judged me based on the things I tell him, we have quite the friendship! I'm truly lucky to have this Angel in my life.

Next, is my one and only love Sean.  To Sean, I play the role of therapist! I have helped him untangle some of his worst relationship drama.  He pisses me off sometimes to the point that I want to yell but can't bring myself to, I once wrote a whole blog post about him and before he got to read it I deleted it by accident.  He and I have known each other now for 4 years.  I have seen him in person maybe three times because he lives in Virginia, but we communicate constantly.  Because I'm in the process of deciding what area of Psychology I want to pursue my masters in, he plays a constant role in my decision making, all the drama that unfolds in his love life (he is in a relationship for a few years now) has not only given me the opportunity to give him some good advice, but I am learning that I don't think I want to be a relationship expert... that's just WAY too much drama! Yet he is encouraging and sweet, kind and loving to me, he is an intelligent man that understands life and is always ready to listen to my advice.  He tells me that he really sees me as someone that would be really good as a relationship counselor and is also always always ready to listen to me when I need to make some sort of decision or am having difficulty or am in need of advice.  He is one of my best friends who I truly value, respect and love.

Next is my awesome friend Chicho.  I met Chicho over a year ago on Tagged (wow I have met some really great people on there come to think about it) Chicho initially approached me in a romantic way since Tagged is after all a dating site, but from the beginning I was honest with him and told him that I was not attracted to him that way and he told me that it was ok, that we could just be friends.  I am aware that sometimes people think that staying friends is a good idea when you like someone romantically because they think they might have a chance of some sort if they stay friends (that is NOT true! and a really bad idea! don't be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for with hopes as it is not fair to you or the person) but with Chicho, I noticed immediately that he was capable of being a mature man and handling our friendship as a mature adult would.  He understood that I was being honest and that I do not play games with people, he also understood that we had a great chemistry in that we had so much in common that it would be a bummer not to be able to maintain a platonic friendship with each other.  I was really happy that he is mature with his feelings and that we could stay friends because he is really really awesome! he is intelligent and funny and easy going and just plain COOL! he is handsome and witty and educated and just great! I appreciate him very very much, because he never again brought up romance nor does he ever disrespect me in any way, he hears me out if I have a problem and I try to do the same.  He tells me about the women he dates and I will tell him about my crazy man stories.  We have met up a few times and just had a great time.  I really love my friend and am proud of him because he is a kind hearted individual who loves photography and traveling and reading and being well rounded.  He served our country in the military and is currently still serving his community by being a city councilman.  He cares about people and has a great big heart! I'm truly lucky to have him in my life! he is just AWESOME!

My friend T.  My friend T is my oldest friend from this bunch, we have been friends since I was like 16 years old.  I can't write on here all the stuff that he means to me because I won't have enough room.  All I can say is that he has a heart of gold and that he respects women and people and is a hard working awesome man! he has finally decided that he might want to get married, so he is on the look out for a suitable life partner.  I love my friend so damn much! I will sometimes send him a message and ask him to take me out on a date because no one loves me, so he will take me out and we will talk, catch up and dance some salsa! and after I will always feel rejuvenated.  I love him so much! he is truly special!

My work husband.  My work husband is my friend that I see everyday and get mad at if he doesn't talk to me through out the day (I don't care if he is busy!).  I love him because he gives me great advice and whenever I listen to him things go right.  He calls himself my therapist and I call myself his.  I joke to people that he is my husband but that it is perfectly ok that he has a girlfriend on the side (because he does have a girlfriend) when I am in a really great mood I will go into his office doing some sort of dance and he will look at me and say something like... OH HELL NO! what the hell did you do now? and we will both just laugh.  Everyone knows that we are good friends who care about each other genuinely with no other interest at all.  I am truly lucky to have a husband!

And then there is my SG! He is my spiritual guide! my lovely friend who I truly respect! he has introduced me to Yoga, to organic foods and to some really awesome ideas about life.  He listens to me when I'm down and understands me as a person and never judges me and respects my individuality as I respect his.  When he first met his current girlfriend and he told me he was thinking of not moving forward with her, I gave him a good talking to and now he tells me she is his best friend! I love my SG sooooo much! he is such a great boyfriend to her! he tells me all about the adventures he takes her on and the more I know him, the more I realize that the reason why I love him so dearly, is because he reminds me of me sometimes.   I'm so simply blessed to have met him! we know each other now for about 4 years and when we met, he took me on a romantic date but I didn't see him in a romantic way, so because he is very mature, he also saw that we made more sense as just friends and we have been that ever since (I never even kissed him) we have been platonic friends all along.  I'm so lucky to have my SG!

Then there is my friend Mr. Married man.  I will call him that because he is married and if he wasn't married, he would be MINE! with him our friendship is a bit distant, we keep it distant because since I am very attracted to him, and him to me.  I prefer not to see him much or talk to him much, yet whenever I have a serious serious decision to make or whenever I am feeling really down he is one of the first people I look for.  I feel that he feels the same way about me and we both just have such respect for his marriage that we know to maintain things in a way that we can still be friends without letting the attraction that we share to get in the way.  I have NEVER nor would I EVER do anything to disrespect his marriage because I understand my role in his life.  But I love him very much because I respect him and appreciate who he is and I also know that when it comes to me, he only has my very best interest at heart.  I am really lucky to know him and the fact that he is respectful to his wife makes me love him even more! There needs to be more men like him in this world!

Then there is my friend lovey! lovey is my good friend who is away in college.  I met him also on a dating site and he and I started out with romantic interest for one another, but we soon realized that we made so much more sense as friends that we just needed to stay that.  We tell each other everything about our most intimate things.  Whenever I don't hear from him for a long time I will send him a message like.... Where's my lovey?? Lovey is the term that was used in the show Gilligan's Island (one of my favorite shows growing up) and I see him as my little lovey.  It's really weird because he sees me as almost a mother figure and he respects me very much and I respect him.  We have developed a great friendship in the course of this last year and whenever he is in town he will take me on a "date" and we will sit have some food and talk about all sorts of things, but our friendship is strictly platonic.  He is my young angel! who is quite the ladies man!!! god help them all! 

And last but not least there is my friend VA.  I have never met him in person but he is really really cool.  Now he and I aren't like the type of friends who talk often or communicate much, but actually I thought about calling this post my angels, when I thought about the role he plays in my life.  He recently had a little girl (well he didn't have her but you know what I mean right?) he had a baby with a woman he had a fling with, but when he found out that she was pregnant he automatically did the right thing and took responsibility for his irresponsibility that of not practicing safe sex.  However, although he had his baby girl due to being irresponsible, he has never been so happy in his life and the role I play in his life, is that I am one of those lucky people he shares his daughter with.  I will randomly get text messages of pictures of his little angel and I have to say that when he does that, it brightens up my day! she is this incredible little princess who is now 6 months old and I have been lucky enough to watch her grow and watch him become a great daddy! I swear that it's almost as if he knows when I'm down because there are times that I will get a picture of his little princess just when I need it and it just brightens my life! He calls me New York and I just love it! he is such an awesome guy! how did I get so lucky?

So there you go journal.  Who needs one man when I have 9! OH MY! I know that one day when I have a man to call my very own, some of these men will not play as big a role in my life as they do now, I also understand that loving all these individuals the way that I do, may, make a man that doesn't really know me uncomfortable about my relationships with them.  However, the day I choose to call a man my own or the man that one day decides to partake in my life in a romantic way, this individual will be so sure of what he has, that he will never need to worry, because he will trust me and he will understand who I am and know me enough to know that I will never do anything to hurt him and I am also comfortable in letting him meet any one of my friends I wrote about on here because they are just that, my friends who I will not abandon simply because someone is now MY MAN.

Additionally, even when you are in a relationship with someone, you should not look to that person to fulfill every single friend role that you need (the person you are in a romantic relationship with, is also your "best friend") Dr. John Gray author of the book (men women and relationships) explains that many relationships don't work properly because we tend to depend on one person for all our emotional needs and that there is no one person that can fulfill every single need we have.  However, once you understand that when you are IN LOVE it is different than loving others, and once you understand that you and your significant other are loyal to one another romantically and you trust each other.  You can easily have a rewarding relationship and maintain your past friendships  as long as you know the different role that each individual plays in your respective life.  

The term "friend" is one that can be utilized to describe people who you feel fulfill any one of your emotional needs, the term friend in my opinion, doesn't necessarily have to have one exact meaning, but rather it is a broad term to utilize when describing people that are meaningful to you in different ways.  The term friend is a term that to me, means this individual I am talking about is someone who I value in some way.  I happen to love all people and I happen to have many friends, some close some not, yet they still partake in my life in some way and therefore, they are my angels on earth.


I found this article on "just friends" that I wanted to put on here, very interesting and almost seems obvious.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends&page=2

THANK YOU FRIENDS!

"And that is all I have to say about THAT!" ~ Forrest Gump

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJ_yQ02xwsM







Thursday, January 24, 2013

This Post is written especially For YOU!...

Dear Journal -

While it may appear that I write my journal because I want my life to be as the saying goes "out on the street" I want to make clear on this post, that my intention is not so much to put my "business out there" as honestly no one really gives a damn about my life because quite honestly it isn't that important to the masses nor am I some type of important figure who's life needs to be followed or kept up with.

I write my journal because I love to write and because I want to hopefully make a point every now and then, or at the very least make someone smile.  So, with that said, when I hear that someone who I would never in a million years even remotely imagine would  read my journal, I'm sincerely humbled, flattered and completely taken aback by it.  Especially, because I think highly of this individual and have a lot of respect for him as well.  So, I really do thank you for taking time to read anything I have to say and when I say you, I mean you the person reading this right now and also you, the person I am writing this post about.

This post is dedicated to someone who played a strange role in my life a few years back, he and I never had any sort of romantic anything, but sometimes I felt that he was angry at me, almost as if I had done something wrong to him.  I felt that he thought I was obnoxious and annoying and I also thought that he had no respect for me.  I felt as if sometimes, he was just annoyed that I would give my attention to someone else and that irked him, because maybe without noticing, he was competing but not because he liked me as in wanting to take me out on a date and get to know me, but because "what's wrong with me? why doesn't she give that attention to me?" and honestly I don't even think he even realized it as it coming off that way, but his behavior towards me led me to believe that.  I think it was a male ego thing or maybe a competition of who can get her attention or maybe he did think I was cute or maybe, he just wanted to annoy me and acted that way to keep himself busy, I honestly am not sure.  

Me on the other hand I just always wanted to be cool with him, because I genuinely thought and still think he is an awesome man.  What he also didn't know, is that if he would of approached me in a different way, I would have totally given him more attention and even would of gone out with him for a drink or something (if he would of given me that option) and I would have loved to get to know him better, I would of probably at the very least tried, because not only did I find him attractive, I also thought he was incredibly intelligent or still think both so I would have hung out with him and who knows maybe I would of just enjoyed a romantic adventure if nothing else with him, after all he was single and so was I.  

However, I do not know, nor will I probably ever know, what it was about me that made him act sometimes hostile toward me, yet I feel as though we had a love/hate relationship type thing, it was really just weird and often times, I would just straight up stop talking to him because I did not know how else to deal with it.  That man drove me nuts! or should I say...... DUDE, YOU drove me nuts!

Anyway, I'm writing this post to him, because I found out that he reads my journal sometimes and I am completely flattered.  The only thing I'm going to say about him so that he will know it's him I'm taking about without giving him away to anyone else is, that there was a time when I handed him a piece of paper and when he asked me what it was, I told him to open it and look at it, that it was a drawing, I had drawn especially for him.  When I handed the supposed drawing to him he looked at me and I could tell he was a bit flattered and taken aback about the gesture I was showing him, but when he turned the page around and saw that it was a print out of a drawing by Leonardo Da Vinci and not really a drawing, I could tell that he was a bit disappointed or annoyed that I had played a joke on him.  Basically, I think that maybe he just wanted me to give him some positive attention, show him a gesture of my appreciation the way I showed other people we both knew, but instead I gave him that paper to be mean or maybe get him back for something he had done to me I am not sure, non the less, after I saw his expression I felt bad because I never imagined that he would feel bad about the joke I was playing on him.

So, he made a remark about it and I just laughed even though I felt a bit bad about what I had just done, because this love/hate we had going on was just obnoxious and weird.  But whenever we would stop talking, I would get very upset about it and sometimes I would ask others, if it was something I had done? But, that was a long time ago and I do not have any sort of bad feelings toward him and I actually often ask about him to see how he is doing because I don't see him that often anymore.  I still think he is a really cool human being.  

So, to you, the person I am writing this post for, I want you to know that I am sorry about anything I ever did to make you uncomfortable or to be mean as it was very immature but you drove me a bit crazy and I never could tell if you liked me or didn't? and when I say like, I don't even mean romantically, I mean as a person.  Anyway, hearing that you read my journal, leads me to believe that you think I am an ok human being and that all that hostility between us, was just both of us being immature adults.  

Anyway, to make up for whatever I did that upset you, I took time out before finalizing this post, to draw you the Leonardo Da Vinci picture that I love.  While I was drawing it, I kept thinking that I hope you will like it, because I did it thinking of you and am going to make sure you get it because you were my challenge and Jazzy always likes a good challenge even when I have no idea what the challenge is about and while you know that my art isn't beautiful at all, I do hope you can appreciate that everything I do, I do it with lots of love.  I also want you to know that I don't draw things for just anyone, so consider yourself pretty special in my book.  

I thank you old friend for reading my journal, and I also want you to know, that the time you gave me that whole theory of yours on why married men say things like "I knew I would marry her the moment I saw her" and I argued that your theory was weird and wrong, well! I know now, why men say that, it's a biological thing and your theory is all wrong! HA! in your face! (insert smile here).  The good news is that if you keep reading my journal, you will find out why exactly it is that men say that and how it ties into biology, as that is a post I intend to write at some point.  For now, I'm just satisfied I know something you don't! smarty pants!


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

GAMES PEOPLE PLAY..... :/


Dear Journal -

I really don't have much to report since this school break I kind of just took it easy.  You know how I like to go on my "casual dates" during my school breaks? well, this time around I kind of just took time out for me and my kids.  I have also tried to make time for my good friends and have just been relaxing.  I'm sort of in my "I REALLY REALLY HATE MEN" mode and I have to admit that I really really like this mode, because it keeps me out of serious trouble! the trouble I only know how to get myself in by being honest.  Sometimes I wish I could be like those women that lie, deceive, cheat, scheme, get money out of men by pretending to like them.  I honestly think that women like that are much more successful in the love department.  But, I do not know how to be that way and honestly, I rather be the way I am, I like myself a whole lot and I also know that somewhere out there, there is a man who will find me one day and appreciate that about me.  So, for now, I will do what I know to do, which is chill out, enjoy my life, and learn, write, read and be happy!

Below is something I wrote back in October, I never posted it and ran into it the other day while I was looking for another document. Since I'm feeling a bit lazy, and I haven't been writing much lately, I figured I would post it.

Jazzy on the "art of dating" written: 10-3-12

If nothing else, in the last five years of singlehood, I have to honestly say that I have mastered the art of dating! like seriously I really feel that I have.  The thing is, that one of the reasons why I have, is one, I don't really "date" and two I am just straight up honest.  The truth also is, that in all this time I really don’t know that there is really such a thing as a "master plan" or that there are certain steps you need to take when it comes to the "art of dating."  I call it art, because it truly takes a lot out of someone to “play the game,” and honestly, I don't have time for it nor do I have the energy or desire for all the craziness that goes on in the "art of dating."

The key thing that I have learned about being "out there," whenever I do start to get to know someone, is that as long as I am honest to myself as far as what I want, need and desire, then there is no way that I can loose.  Meaning, that if I am honest and someone doesn’t want with me what I want with them, regardless of what I may be wanting from them, then I just “lost” on maybe being with someone that I might have thought as suitable, for my need, but when you think about it thoroughly, you realize that you just "gained," precious time if that person didn't want the same.  If you can be honest with others even if they don't appreciate it, at least at the end of the day, you know you did the right thing and you were genuine and honest to yourself and to them and that is always a good thing.  

I know what qualities I look for in individuals, I know the things I want when it comes to a relationship, however, I do not know if a relationship is what I really want.  I think that having a relationship is not something that I sit around wanting, but rather, it’s something that I am open to now, something I was absolutely not open to a few years ago.  However, that doesn’t mean that I am actively looking or that if I think someone is cool or I find myself attracted to someone that way, that I am going to jump into some sort of relationship with just any Tom, Dick or Harry HELL NO! I have way to much to give and I refuse to give it to just anyone.  I know my self worth and therefore, it’s not that I look for a specific type of man meaning I want him to have x,y,z things, but rather I look for the way I feel around individuals and or their qualities as a person.

For example, is this person a genuine guy? Is he someone that will respect my individuality without being judgmental? Is he going to be someone that I will have to compete with in anyway? Is this man supportive of my creativity of my future goals, plans and dreams? Is he willing and able to accept the fact that when I give my love I give it 100% and is he ready to be treated like royalty? because quite honestly, when I love someone, I make sure that I will take care of my man in any and every way, that's just who I am.  And honestly, I feel like there are some people that really don't believe they deserve such a thing and they sell themselves short and settle for women that don't know how to give such things.  Also and more importantly, is this man assertive, sure of himself and trusting enough to know that I can be in a room full of men, by myself and that I will ALWAYS respect my man? will he know what he has? I don't know that I can be with someone that isn't sure of himself.  

Having the right dynamic with an individual is something that is really difficult to have.  Finding someone that isn't looking to your past to figure out who you are is also difficult.  Some people really do change believe it or not, so just because they did something that wasn't great in their past, doesn't mean that they will always do it.  Yes, there are some behaviors that some just don't change, but I like to give each person a chance to be themselves and get to know them, instead of asking them about their past so I can judge them based on it.  I don't really much give a damn about your past, let's talk about now, your future goals and dreams! I don't really care about your relationship with your ex, she isn't here now! In my experience, having been married to someone who judged me based on my past, was really difficult, because no matter what I did, It was never going to be recognized as good, he did not see beyond my past, he didn’t recognize that I wasn’t that person anymore and that no matter what I did, I could never change my past, but only hope to be better in the present.

I honestly sometimes feel that there is this road for me that requires me to be single and I have to admit that I am pretty ok with that.  When I think about it, I am really never totally alone.  I have three amazing children, I have awesome friends and I am always sort of talking to someone.  There have been many that have crossed my path in different capacities and I enjoy the fact that from everyone who touches my life, I learn something from them.  The one thing that I will say though that I think it’s important to write on here, especially because I know that a lot of the people that read my blog are females, is that if we are not honest to ourselves, that is when we allow people to toy us around, to yo yo us as they please, to PLAY GAMES! 

I am sure that people play games because for the most part they usually don’t know what they want, but in reality, we ALL KNOW! everyone who is single, has this sort of vision in my opinion, of what that ideal someone is.  Whether it be something as shallow as, I want a woman with some big boobs, to something significant like, I want a woman who is my equal.  Regardless of what that is, there is no doubt in my mind, that we know what we want and when we are lucky enough to find it in someone, we better get it and run with it, that’s where I think honesty is key.  If we are honest with the person we are seeing, talking too, sleeping with or whatever, it doesn’t give them the room to “play games” the thing that I feel most men don’t understand is, that it is ok to tell someone that they don’t know what they want.  I say that ALL THE TIME! However, when I do say that, it’s usually because what I want is probably not that person, however, that doesn’t mean that at some point that may not change.  But it does mean that at that moment, you are probably not what I was looking for, because I am not really looking, I'm just living, I'm having fun enjoying my freedom.

Someone that I was sort of seeing last summer, told me the other day that he had never felt such a strong connection with anyone as he had with me.  The problem is, that I didn’t feel the connection at all.  The moment he told me that, I was able to tell him right there and then, that I was really sorry but that from the beginning I had always been honest with him and because of all the games he thought he was good at playing, I had been so completely turned off by them, that the little connection I did feel maybe at the very beginning when I had met him, was completely broken.  I felt nothing! When you play games because you don’t know what you want instead of just being honest and saying… I DON’T KNOW, you end up getting caught up in your own web.  Playing with peoples feelings isn’t Kosher! (90's slang for cool) because remember, what goes around, comes around! That is the LAW!  

My honesty may sometimes be brutal and yes it often gets me into all sorts of trouble and yes it is sometimes a bit harsh to myself and even others and yes I do need to work on not being THAT honest, maybe keeping some of my honest thoughts or feelings or maybe being a bit more careful of how I express my honesty.  But I can't play games, I don't know how to play the game right, I am not trying to "land" anyone, I am not trying to get married nor am I actively seeking love, I am just pretty much living my life and just being.  So, while It sometimes appear that I am playing some "game" all I am being is just honest and it just all looks like this crazy game I play, but I don't, I really really don't! I'm just a single woman living my life the best way I can... why can't we all just PLAY NICE! geez! 

So there you have it! my philosophically undeniably incredibly crazy game theory! debate me on this! I DARE YOU!

I'll leave you with.........

Games people play - By Sweet G. - HOLLA! 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ug4RAd2tmo


Friday, January 18, 2013

Dear Journal: Love thy neighbor.

“you can live a whole life time never being awake.” ~ 

Dan Millman ~ 

Dear Journal -

And there we stood, two people with confusion and cloudy thoughts fighting whatever was inside just to feel normal and act proper.  Difficult yet necessary, necessary for the heart and for the soul because it is something greater than me, something greater than he and the minutes went fast, but the moment felt long and time almost stopped, yet it really didn't and there were many people around us, but it seemed as if it were just us two, where did it all go wrong? and could it ever be repaired? could it be a fresh start? and then I had to leave and as I walked away without looking back, tears began to fill my eyes and I didn't really care if there were many around me, I didn't even care that a man was staring at me, I just wanted to go somewhere and cry, because in that moment that blog post came into my mind, the one someone once wrote about me, about the fact that all his actions toward me were due to fear. 

It read something like this......

When I began to think of how I acted towards this person, I realized that all my actions have been done out of fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of not being a good friend, fear of being hurt, fear of hurting this individual, afraid that this persons character is a reflection of my own true being.  But a warrior never acts out of fear, a warrior acts out of love and the most loving thing I could of done was to give this person a chance.  A warrior always does his best.

And then after I finished thinking about what he had writen about me, the paragraph above this one, I thought to myself....how could I be good? how could I be noble and kind and loving when all I ever do is allow my fear to control me.  It has been controlling my life for far too long, how do I let go and accept, appreciate, understand and give unconditional love? how can I make sure that my word be my bond? how can I be honest without hurting someone in the process? how can I stay true if I am not true to myself? and the rest of my trip was blurry and my eyes were not shinning, all I felt was deep sadness, sadness of the fact that I had failed, I had failed because I had been afraid, I had been hiding from the very beginning when all this individual wanted, was to be my friend, to talk to me and see who I was.  And although he never says the words I love you, his actions are always loving, his demeanor always peaceful, his kindness always genuine and he makes mistakes like anyone, but he is always trying.  Yet from the beginning this person never stood a chance, because from the beginning it was just some person to me, just another game to play.  Just a someone because I do not believe, I don't know how it works anymore, I have become almost robotic.  But I will not surrender and give up to fear, fear will no longer control me and even if I have to throw up a million times to get better, to get the fear bug out of my body, then that is what I will have to do.

I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BE MY NEIGHBOR
I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BE MY FRIEND
I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BE MY LOVER
I ONLY WANT YOU TO BE THE SAME.....









Thursday, January 17, 2013

Dear Journal - 1-17-13 THAT MAN! he just turned me ON!

"I felt like an animal, and animals don't know sin do they?" ~ 

Jess C. Scott

Dear Journal -

Today I found a man that was probably about fifty something years old with a full head of gray hair completely and irresistibly handsome! I mean this man had this certain charisma that I just felt so completely drawn to, that I couldn't help but to stare.  Talking to him felt so comfortable and the subject although extremely personal, he made it seem perfectly comfortable, although maybe that also had to do with the fact that he was getting my medical history as he is my new doctor.  

During the intake interview, I could not help but to stare at his lips and notice how his smile lit up the room, for some reason I could imagine this mans hands all over my body! that is probably the very first time in my life that I have felt so attracted to an older man, it was pretty crazy! but what happened next is even crazier! the doctor was my GYN doctor and I could not help but to think, that this man knew my female anatomy better than any man I have ever had sexual intercourse with and the next thing I knew, my mind was running wild with thoughts of him touching me.  Then to top it off, he had to examine me and the first thing he said was, I have to check your breast for lumps and then his hands were all over my breast and I had to keep trying to control my thoughts because I could not help but to fantasize about him, he was just THAT sexy!

I have to say that I am really glad that I am starting to find older men attractive, I was really looking forward to this happening to me, like I finally see them with lustful eyes.  I think that what attracts me most is the fact that they already know themselves, they are comfortable with themselves, they already went through their 30's and 40's and are in a good place, I wonder what it feels like to be made love to by a man that has done it all? it's so sexy to think of a man that appreciates a woman's body for what it is, with all it's imperfections, a man that can appreciate what a woman's body has been through.  Childbearing, weight fluctuating, breast dropping, stomach hanging or whatever imperfection a woman may have, yet they can appreciate it because they see deeper or at least I hope most of them would.  

But something about this doctor gave me the impression that he did, I just felt like I wanted to be his, so badly, but not only physically, I actually as I was sitting in his office imagined myself walking down the street holding his hand I could somehow tell that he was just an amazing man, or maybe it was the fact that he was a doctor which means he is intelligent and intelligent men just make me crazy! he made me laugh a few times and we joked about a few things and he was just awesome! I looked as his wedding ring finger and there was no wedding band and then I asked one of the nurses if he was married and she said she thought he might be.  

I have never asked a man out on a date, well, I sort of did but he doesn't count.  This doctor however, he would be like a complete stranger or well not anymore since he saw it all! but asking him for coffee would be COMPLETELY BOLD! dare I do so? DAMN! as much as people may think I am bold, I really am not, but I like the idea! and anyone who knows me knows that I have quite the active imagination, so I will just imagine a love affair with him at this point! but I can't wait until my next visit! I don't think I ever wanted to go to the doctor so badly!

Yeah, that was pretty much my afternoon, it was pretty much the highlight of my day, meeting my new doctor who turned me on! that was a first! 




Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Whom Not To Marry......

Even an uncomfortable truth can be expressed with kindness and respect ~ Father Pat Connor

Dear Journal:

I'm sitting in my kitchen trying to write this book review (my first ever!) as my 4 year old daughter is washing dishes.  Yes, you did read correctly, she is indeed washing the dishes!

Over the last about week during my commute to and from work and throughout any chance that I got, I have been reading the book Whom Not To Marry, Time-Tested Advice from a Higher Authority by Father Pat Connor.  I became interested in this book a few years ago when I was hopelessly devoted to the blog of Benjamin, who read it and wrote about it on his blog.  Since back then I used to worship the ground he walked on (I'm not even sure why?) I read the review and thought to myself that I would put the book on my to read list, because I wanted to know what it was Father Connor had to say about marriage.  

The book is a really short read and father Connor is quite funny in the way he writes it.  I also really liked the format and the vocabulary, because it is easy reading for anyone to understand.  It is a book he wrote based on his experience with pre-marital counseling.  Although he has never been married himself, the man really does know what he is talking about, at least I can attest to it.  

While I was reading the book I definitely saw things on there that made me think back at my own past marriages (2) and I could definitely see a relationship with what he was writing and what went wrong in my own marriages.  I don't really like to talk about my marriages as I honestly don't think about them as "real" both times that I was married, I knew in my heart that it wouldn't last, additionally, I married both times to help people out not really for love.  Still, being in a marriage you definitely learn quite a lot about a person and if you got married for the wrong reasons (like I did) you also begin to identify things you should of thought about before making the commitment.

Anyway, this book is for people who are thinking about getting married to the person they love, not because they need to do a favor, but because they are truly in love with each other and want to spend the rest of their lives with that person (that's scary as all hell!) father Connor however, writes this book more so for women to kind of give them some guidance as to what are some signs they should identify in their partner to see if this person they are going to commit their life to is really "the one" he talks about the different things that are vital for marriage and he also points out that making a decision such as that one, is one that should take careful thought and consideration.

Father Connor talks about "soul mates" he says that we have this notion that we have a "soul mate" and that sometimes because we have this idea, we settle.  He says that we all have more than one "soul mate" and that when we have found one of them and we commit to them once we do so, even if down the line we meet someone else that we think would be a better "soul mate" we should always remember that NO "SOUL MATE" is as important as "your soul mate" therefore, NO CHEATING ON YOUR HUSBAND/WIFE!  Can I just say (thank you to my lucky stars!) that we have more than one soul mate???!!! you imagine only having one? anyway some of the points that I found interesting that I definitely wanted to share on here were as follows:

  • He says that above all things you should ALWAYS be patient! (There go my chances at marriage! I have NO patience!)
  • He says that an engagement should be at least for a year (I can do a year)
  • He says that you shouldn't sit around waiting for your knight in shinning armor! you should use modern technology (internet dating) to find "the one" if that is what you need to do
  • He says men fear commitment more then women, because to them it means that they will have to change (I think I have become a man!)
  • Father Connor says that COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! (yay!!! I do also! wooo hooo)
  • If a man uses cloudy language to introduce you to people (dump him!) 
  • He says to remember that marriage is an open-ended commitment to an unpredictable person! (I totally agree! we are always changing!)
  • You should always LISTEN to one another with an open heart and mind, because it means showing respect and paying attention.  He says that kindness understands what another person needs, and is able to respond with generosity, compassion and tenderness! (I love that!)
  • He writes about THINK before you speak, which is a phrase that I have seen before THINK has a meaning for each letter... T = is it TRUE? H = is it HELPFUL? I = is it INSPIRING? N = is it NECESSARY? K = is it KIND? (I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! everyone should really do this when having a heart to heart with their love ones and all people in general!)
  •  NEVER marry a man who doesn't pay you compliments! (I didn't say it, father Connor did! and I concur!)
  •  Be careful with men that are the jealous type, as jealousy is a negative emotion fueled by the fear of loss.  He says you should never marry a man that can't keep his jealousy in check! (I know this all too well! UGH!)
  • Make sure your marrying a man that can say "I'M SORRY"
  • Never marry a man that makes jokes at your expense (so disrespectful!)
  • He says you should always speak the truth in love and that even an uncomfortable truth can be expressed with kindness and respect.... (SOOOO TRUE!)
  •  A great couple should be able to compromise! (never marry a man that you can step all over! GROSS!)
  • Never marry a selfish man! (Um.... they are ALL SELFISH!)
  •  Never marry a man you have to make excuses for! (listen to the father ladies! he knows what he is talking about!)
  • Father Pat Connor is Catholic, yet he thinks it's a good idea to live together before marriage! wooo hooo! go father! 
  •  You should marry a man you are physically attracted too! (hell yes!) He says a mutual physical attraction is necessary for a happy marriage.
  •  He says you should know what your partners idea of "true love" is, because it means something different to everyone.... ASK QUESTIONS! be able to TALK to your partner
  •  He says that LOVE is a long distance runner - it NEVER GIVES UP!
  • Never marry a man who is not able to express his feeling to you! (true!)
 I hope you enjoyed my review, I have not done a book review since HS so I hope that if you come across this post, you find it useful.  I shared what I thought was pretty significant.  The book like I said is short and enjoyable, I found myself laughing out loud a few times on the train... People in NYC stare! but Jazzy don't care! 


 
 
 
 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The prostitute....

Dear Journal -

When I took my art class a few years ago, I fell in love with a painting from Leonardo Da Vinci which will be at the end of this post.  Back then, I was very depressed, one day I talked to my professor about the painting and told him that whenever I looked at it, it made me think of me of how I was feeling when I looked at her, I saw my reflection on her face, pure sadness.  He looked at me and said, that each one of us saw art in our own way and that each and every drawing had whatever significance we gave it, then he said, that when he looked at it, he saw her with a smile he saw her with an almost grin. 

Regardless of what she was really thinking or feeling when the master Leonardo was painting her, I can't seem to stop relating the song also below to that beautiful painting, because maybe he wasn't even looking at anyone when he drew her, maybe he drew it from memory, maybe he drew it thinking of a love that he once knew.

Anyway, right now I feel sad, so I wanted to share this painting of Leonardo and this song that is so deep and so real for so many women, it saddens me deeply.  I can relate how sometimes you feel so desperate that you would be willing to do anything to make sure you can take care of those you love, even something as drastic as what this song is saying.  Thankfully, I have never had to sell my body for money, but I can see how a woman would do something like that for her children, I can understand how, because I would if I absolutely had to.  I'm so glad that I don't, thank you God, thank you my Angels, thank you most wonderful universe...

I tried drawing her a few times, I didn't even come close! she's amazing! 


Ed Sheeran - The A Team .......I sure do love GUITARS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAWcs5H-qgQ







Sunday, January 13, 2013

MEN....are you in touch with your feminine side?

Dear Journal -

A while ago I read a book that was so incredibly insightful about male and female behavior, that I often tell people they should read it.  The book sort of clarifies the fundamental reasons why sometimes relationships have difficulties and how by learning the differences between you and your partner (this is mainly for male/female relationships although it can be for same sex couples as well) in terms of the major differences between males and females apart from the obvious.

Whenever I try to understand myself and understand how to deal with situations, I always think back to this book and I am hoping that I can re-read it soon because this book has helped me tremendously in terms of trying to understand men as well.  I am often reading self help books for two reasons, the main reason is because I am always seeking ways in how I can better myself so that I can be a better mother, daughter, sister, friend and one day romantic partner.  The other reason is because I also want to pursue a future in social work and I think that if I am going to look to work with people and help people, then I need to understand human beings (very complex).  What I have definitely learned though is that we are all sort of the same in a lot of different ways and most of us want the same normal things, like happiness, love and of course money (some more than others when it comes to money) but for the most part we all want money so that we can have a normal life.

I was thinking about AJ the other day trying to understand why it is that he was the man that stole my heart and I kept realizing one very important thing, I kept thinking that through out the time we were friends and getting to know each other, there were two things that he possessed that I hardly see in many other men.  The first thing was his honesty and the second thing, was his ability to express his feelings.  In the book men women and relationships, Dr. John Gray, talks about this very thing.  

Dr. Gray explains how it is more difficult for men to express themselves than women and he gives us reasons why, which I cannot remember at this moment, but he talks about how all people both men and women, have both male and female traits meaning that we all have a feminine side and a masculine side and how the best relationships usually come when a woman with a strong masculine side is with a man with a strong feminine side and vice versa.  He says that if a couple understand this about their relationship, they will learn how to balance each other out.  Additionally, he says that when people are opposite in this aspect and they learn how to see these fundamental differences, each one will bring out the best in the other and help one another with the trait which is weaker.

Ok, so I often try to give examples of the rubbish I am talking about because I want whomever comes across my posts to be able to hopefully apply in their relationship or life something of what I am writing or hopefully every now and then learn something new by visiting my blog, so, I will give an example of what I just wrote as follows:

AJ and I (AJ is someone I had a romantic interest in but we were never a couple) http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html AJ is very in touch with his feminine side, me I am very in touch with my masculine side.

When I first met him I was cold and kept pushing him away, I wasn't looking to love anyone, I pretty much hated men (still sort of do) he knew that I was that way, because I had been hurt before really badly and he also knew that I had this huge trust issue.  Because he was in touch with his feminine side and he was honest with his intentions with me one day I was all pissed off telling him off about the fact that I had not heard from him all day and that how did I know he wasn't god knows doing what and how I had sent him a txt message and he didn't care to respond and off I went flipping out (I wasn't his girlfriend but we were both on the same page as far as what our intentions for one another were AJ also lived in another state so we had never seen each other) after I was done complaining and flipping out on him he says to me Jazzy, why can't you understand that I like only you! I don't even live in NY I have never even seen you, yet I still talk to you every single day, I call you so that you can hear my voice and know that I am real and that I like you and I try to be here for you in the best way I can, because I can't do for you the things I wish I could.  Jazzy, I could of just stopped texting/calling you already if I wanted to and you would have no way of looking for me, but I haven't done any of that, Jazzy I think of you all day long through out my day and I often smile and I always miss you and can't wait to talk to you.  Jazzy you make my heart happy! stop being mad because I didn't respond...... and then he proceeded to explain to me what had happened and why he had not gotten back to me.

I think that had he not been in touch with his feelings, with his feminine side, his answers to me would of been him going off on me as well because "why is she bitching at me without knowing what the hell happened" but instead he understood that by him telling me that he cared about me, he was defusing the situation and calming my anxiety.  He was in touch with his feelings and therefore he understood why I was upset, I was upset because I missed him and him not getting back to me made me anxious.  He also understood that I didn't trust.  He further understood that the reason why women usually get upset when our significant other doesn't get back to us, is because we miss them and think... He doesn't care so he is taking his time to get back to me! When the reality is that men get distracted, men think about a woman probably as much as the woman thinks about the man, but men demonstrate this in other ways, not with words yet women need to hear it.  

After I listened to AJ saying this, I automatically felt better right away, my anxiety resided, my fears were calmed and I was no longer mad.  If he had not been in touch with his own feelings and had he not been able to express them, we would of had a huge argument about something that could of easily had been avoided.  Instead after him telling me all about his day, at the end of the conversation I was the one apologizing to him because his day had actually been hell.  If he would of not understood by being in touch with his own feelings that I was first and foremost pissed because "he didn't care about me"  then the conversation would of probably ended in me being really mean back to his defense of what men usually like to say which is "why are you pissed" and then getting pissed off about it and coming back at the woman with a defense instead of just expressing that they care, that not getting back to them has nothing to do with that at all.  Of course, AJ didn't do this as something that he planned or because he is so aware of the fact that he is in touch with his feminine side, AJ said what he did to me because he meant it and after hearing me saying things like you probably don't care about me xyz, he said what he did because he was honest about his feelings for me to me and wasn't afraid to express them, because he knew I cared also.

I think that this example also demonstrates how communication is so important in relationships and how learning how to communicate with one another is so vital.  AJ and I were friends and by us being friends we had gotten to know things about each other, he knew my fear of commitment, love and intimacy, he understood that I was very masculine about certain things and he understood his feelings and knew what it was he wanted from me, he wanted me and he was going to get me by gaining my trust, how else could he gain my trust if not by expressing himself to me, telling me what I meant to him and showing me the only way he could, by calling me and texting me and sending me email.  What better way to gain someone's trust than by telling them and showing them what they mean to you?

I sure do miss my AJ all the time, although he is way younger than I am, his sincerity and kindness is one of a kind, too bad for me that when I realized all of this, it was too late.  I like to write about my experiences on my blog because I hope that someone will come across this post and hopefully use this scenario in a similar situation that they may encounter or are going through and maybe or hopefully learning something with my example and applying it to a situation of their own.  Or maybe you are a man and don't ever understand why women freak out! or you are a woman and don't understand why men "don't care" if only we first learn to understand the differences of the sexes, without judgment this world will be without drama..... OK... that was wishful thinking! 

I hope you enjoyed this post and if you are a male and you are in touch with your feminine side, that is QUITE AWESOME! don't EVER! let anyone tell you there is something wrong with that! MEN HAVE FEELINGS TOO! and that means they are..... HUMAN!

I leave you now with..........

Toto - Africa
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/t/toto/africa_20139798.html




What happens in Vegas!

 Dear Journal - I know it has been sometime since I last wrote but as of late, my life has been pretty busy! I came on here tonight to write...