Dear AJ:

Dear Journal -

I wanted to write I really did, but I've been lazy! that's the only excuse I have! but last night I was thinking about AJ, whom I sent a message to the other day after not talking to him for nearly 3 months and he responded, but I almost regretted the initial message, because I don't know if I wanted to talk to him, or just reach out to him to make sure he is alive and well.  I almost feel like at this point, just knowing he is ok, is enough for me.  Anyway, last night I felt like I had a lot to say to him, so I wrote him a letter.  Initially I thought about letting him know about it, but then I decided that I would just give it to you instead, my faithful journal.  I think sometimes it's good to express what you want to, but when you feel that it won't make a big difference, there is no point in sharing it with the individual.  So I basically wrote the letter below and saved it to put it on the world wide web and share it with whomever crosses this page and feels like reading it.  Because this is my journal. 

Dear AJ - 

You blamed me for ruining your relationships.  But what you should really blame is your feelings. Yourself for never allowing us to just be.  Giving your feelings an opportunity may have made us everything, or nothing at all.  But at the very least we would have had a chance.  Instead you let your judgements about our age difference dictate what could or couldn't happen.

When I met you, you convinced me to allow myself to see you romantically, I only did so because I thought you were a rebel, I thought you would fight for what you wanted and cared about.  After knowing you for three years I've learned that you are just scared.  You are the same scared man that I talked through  a rough night at a roommates apt. Who you thought was going to beat you up.  You said you hated the fact that you were always afraid, and with my love I gave you the opportunity to change fear into happiness, but you were to scared to be even that, happy.

I don't want anything at all from you anymore, not even your friendship would matter, because that was definitely not real.  It took me a long time and new friends to realize it, but now I do, I realize that everything was just ideas I made up in my mind.  The only thing I truly regret is that I believed you, I believed in your honesty and even your love.  That last night we shared, when sitting in your back porch you said that the reason why you had contacted me again was because you had realized that you were all I really had here in Colorado, and you did not want to leave me alone.  Those words were the most amazing words anyone has ever said to me, they meant a lot to me and I believed them, and if I would have had nothing else but your sincere genuine friendship and that alone, I would have been so happy, because you were all I really had here.  But not anymore, I now have true friendships, honest and caring friends mostly male, one who is even younger than you are.  So age really doesn't matter when friendship is concerned, so why did it matter so much to you? at this point it doesn't matter anymore, all I know is that your words were insincere, or maybe you meant them and that's what you really wanted, but again your fear took control.

Regardless of all that has transgressed, I will always be here if you ever need me, because I got one great thing from you that I will forever cherish and always be thankful for.  And that is this new wonderful life that I am living now.  You telling me to consider moving here and me doing it.  Everyone has a purpose in our lives, I hope the purpose of me in yours was to teach you lessons.

I sent you your movie.  We no longer have any ties.  I hope with all my love that you are truly happy.  Because love is not selfish, and because I love you, I have let you go.

Love Always
Your friend Jaz.

P.S.

The last time I saw you and said I would always be here, I meant it.  My word is my bond......



Safe and sound:
By: Rebelution

Thanksgiving 2014

Dear Journal:

As I lay on my bed writing this post I can't seem to help getting a little melancholic about so many painful Thanksgiving days in my past.  But there were also some amazing ones.  In 2005 on Thanksgiving day my ex husband arrived in America ready to start his new life in the land where dreams can become a reality, he was ready to start a new life with his wife and son.  I remember that I picked him up from the airport and we went straight to the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade, that was one of the few times I went to the parade, because as nice as that parade is, it's always so crowded and usually so cold, it isn't something I enjoyed doing much.  We had a few Thanksgivings together after that, but our marriage ended in 2007 and I have been having single Thanksgivings ever since.

I want to write about the bad things for some reason, or the sad things.  Maybe today will be the first day of my future always happy Thanksgivings and I have to write about the bad ones so that I can let them go.  I want to first write about the Thanksgiving in 2008 when I told he who must not be named on my blog anymore, that I was in love with him.  It was the day before Thanksgiving and he's response broke my heart.  Yes that was a really long time ago, but it still makes me sad that after that time, we were never ever friends again.  Yes, after that we exchanged a  few words, took some classes together and even shared one last good bye hug, yet every Thanksgiving after that I always recall that day before Thanksgiving when through an email I told him that I was in love with him and his response was that his feelings for me where only of friendship, except he wasn't such a good friend after all because soon after that I found out he had a girlfriend he had failed to mention to me for months.  I will never ever understand what that whole lying thing was about, but I do know in my heart that I made a huge difference in his life and that in his own way, he loved me back just as much as I loved him.   He is currently engaged and there is no part of me that regrets that pure love I felt in my heart for him.  I am also happy that I can write this without not one tear.  I do feel sad as I share this story, but not as sad as I felt on that Thanksgiving day when he sent me a text message the day after I had told him how I felt, to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving! how could it be happy, when I wasn't sharing that day with the person I loved.

In 2012, I really liked my neighbor back in Brooklyn.  That day I told him I was going to be making potato salad for my family gathering and he wished me luck because he knew I didn't like cooking much.  Later that morning, we bumped into each other right outside our building.  I remember being ever so grateful that I had just done my hair and that I looked all dolled up.  I could tell he was pleased with the sight before him.  The way we exchanged looks always felt deep.  That evening he sent me a message when he got back from his parents house inviting me over to his apartment for some left over desert he had brought back with him.  As badly as I wanted to go, I said no because I was already in my pajamas and I had to work the day after.  Til this day I regret that decision! I know that had I gone to his apartment that evening, we would have made love, or at the very least we would have made "like a lot" because by this point my feelings for him were so strong, that I wanted nothing more than to be with him.  But I said no, and that was the very last time I had the opportunity to be in his arms.  This morning when I woke up I thought about him and I missed him, as I am writing this paragraph tears are rolling down my cheek! I miss my neighbor.

Today is a day when you are thankful for so many things, and although I have sad memories about Thanksgiving past, I am still truly grateful for all the wonderful things that are going on in my life currently.  I have made so many wonderful new friends in my new home in Colorado, that today I am making my first full Thanksgiving dinner in more that 8 years I believe.  My second turkey ever in my life.  Why am I cooking? I am cooking because I have some really sweet friends coming over this afternoon to share with me my first Thanksgiving in Colorado.  My friend JC will be here along with his roommate and my other two male friends.  No I don't really have female friends, but that is ok. I am glad that I have nice people in my life that are truly special to me.  

I leave you journal with one last thing.  I am so truly thankful that three years ago I met a young man named AJ who invited me to move to Colorado.  The last time I saw him, he told me that he had asked me to move here for a reason, yet he wasn't sure what the reason was.  I know what the reason was, the reason was that he was leading me down a path of new and happy times in my life.  He was the angel sent to me from heaven to guide me to a new beginning.  Although he and I are no longer friends, I most grateful today for having met him, because without that piece of my life, there wouldn't be today, a new Happy Thanksgiving filled with love and good friendships.  I love my new home! I love Colorado! I love my new job! and I love that I can write this post and feel happy in my heart!

I'M THANKFUL FOR HAVING YOU JOURNAL!

Survivor........

Dear Journal -

I know, shame on me for neglecting you! It isn't so much that I am neglecting, it's more so that nothing really interesting has been happening in my life for me to sit down and write about it.  Life in Colorado is very relaxing and cool and it's pretty darn sweet I must say! I work and spend time with my kids and do nothing else.  I barely go out anymore, I just feel exhausted like I need to do nothing.  And it isn't that I'm physically tired, I mean yes at work I move around a lot, but not so much that I should come home so tired, but I do.  I went to the doctor for the first time in 8 months last week and I found out that I have gained 20 pounds since I've been in Colorado.  I sort of knew that I had stopped caring about myself but I never realized how much.  

I realized a few days ago that I'm depressed, I keep trying to figure out why I'm depressed, but I can't pin point the reason and then yesterday I felt it really bad and I know now what my deep down reason is and his name is AJ.  Today is his birthday and I can't send him a message to wish him a happy birthday.  I will not, but if he ever comes across this post, I want him to know that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him.  Happy Bday AJ! may you have many many more!  I feel sad that he and I cannot be friends, that we do not know how to, that the feelings between us don't allow it.  About two months ago we had a fight and I told him that I was dead to him, and I am.  As much as I miss him I feel that I am better off without him in my life.  Anytime he starts to like some girl he pushes me aside and accuses me of ruining his relationships.  I don't understand how that can be possible.  I think he uses me as an excuse not to fall in love with anyone because he is afraid or maybe he loves me and can't admit it to himself.  I really don't care what the reason is anymore, I am not going to allow anyone to be my friend only when it is convenient for them to have me in their life.  

I am such a loyal person to the people I care about.  I also love him and it is difficult for me to accept that he is with someone else, so I rather stay as far away from him as possible. But I have been feeling really down and missing him so much.  How is he doing? last year we were also not speaking on his bday and I used that as an excuse to call him, we talked and I told him that since this year I would be here for his bday maybe I could take him out to dinner, well, guess not.  I would love to be able to sit with him and talk the way we do, just hang out eat some good food and talk about life, but that is nearly impossible for us to do.

Anyway, back to my 20 pounds.  I decided last night that I am done with being down and done with not caring about my health, so effective tomorrow I am going back to the gym and starting my healthy eating habits again.  I'm really happy that I have my friend JC in my life, he is so sweet.  We talk everyday all day long and it wasn't until last night that I was out with him and his friend, that I realized how jealous he gets sometimes when I talk about this one guy that I sort of like that JC and I work with.  But then I became jealous too when he kept bragging about his best friend that he's had since they were kids.  I was a bit drunk though so it was more the liquor reaction than anything else, I don't think of JC in  a romantic way at all.  I see him as someone who I love as my good friend, who I can talk to about things and who is just a really great person to have in my life.  Of course when I told AJ about him, AJ accused me of being "after" him.  What the hell does AJ know about my relationships with people since he has never truly let me into his life the way a real friend does? I am just some little treasure he has hidden from the world, that he uses when he feels he needs some love.  And of course knowing myself the way that I do, I bet the day if ever that he feels like walking back into my life, I will probably hold him tight and tell him how much I love him, because I do not know how to be fake.   But I won't be holding my breath waiting for anything like that to happen, because I am dead to him as I stated nearly two months ago.  For as long as I can remember he has been telling me that he wants me gone, so that is exactly what I have done, Jazzy is gone.

So starting tomorrow I will try to be more consistent with my writing.  I will be thinking about different topics to write about as to keep you entertained, I will tell you now it probably won't be much about my current life since there isn't much to say, but I do need you journal to keep track of my health, of my weight loss.  I feel like I need you in order to stick to my plan, I don't want to let you down so you will be my rock.  I am ready to get back on track and to fit into my cloths properly, I am ready to be happy again.  I am ready to get back to the gym and give it my all.  It has been a year now that I don't run, and it is so depressing because that was one thing I truly loved, but I am thinking that maybe I will take up swimming instead.  For now, I leave you with this.........


I vow to  you journal that my life will change effective today, that I will no longer eat sloppy and careless.  That every time I think of letting myself go I will think of this promise I make to you and that in a few weeks I will have some wonderful news about how great I feel because I am back in the gym doing what I love, which is working hard to maintain a healthy weight.


Eye of the tiger
By: Survivor

HIGH ALL THE TIME.........

Dear Journal -

The song habits, made me cry the other morning on my way to work and then again a few days later while I was getting ready for work.  The first time it made me cry, was because as I was driving to work and listening to the song, I kept looking at all the beauty that surrounds me during my drive.  Mountains as far as the eye can see.  Beautiful fall colors, amazing animals like brown horses with white patches waging their tails as they enjoy their morning grass.  The fresh air hitting my face and smells of all sorts of nature. I AM SO HAPPY IN COLORADO! I can't even begin to express it.  And I thought of my friend who I met three years ago and told me I should move here and I felt deeply sad that well, It was just an emotional moment.

But the song doesn't really remind me of this me, it more so reminds me of a Jazzy that I once knew.  I young lost confused soul, trying to find happiness in love, trying to find happiness by having someone to give her a reason to live and breath.  So the second time I cried I thought of that Jazzy and of him, my once love Dev and I thought of how he stayed high for years to keep his dad off his mind, the man whom he loved more than life itself, the man he lost when he was only 18 years old.  And like magic we found each other and made a beautiful son who became his new reason, yet not even that could keep that hurt out of his heart and so he had to stay high, high until just recently when he decided that life had more for him and he entered rehab and will come out of their a clean, sober and not afraid man.  Finally he will face reality without anything to take away the pain, he will be ok with everything because he has hurt for so long that, he deserves the happiness that will be coming to him.  I am so proud of the choice he made, the choice of life.

I can go on and on about this but I am really tired and I also don't want to write anything else about him because it's not my place too.  However, I love him immensely and know that he will do this, he will be clean after 20 years.  God I cried so hard with this song!

I don't know how to heal from a broken heart, because I haven't had a true broken heart in many many years.  The last broken heart I had was well.... I don't want to ever write that persons name on my blog ever again, but if you have read my journal you know the name all to well.  That was a really hard broken heart to mend, but here I am alive and well and writing about it.  I guess the only advice I can give at my old age (I'm 43) is, that if you have a broken heart, drugs won't mend it.  Drugs might take away the pain for one, two, three maybe even 20 years, but the only way to truly heal is by facing the hurt, by accepting it and by living day by day like it's your last and hoping that someday somehow, it will be better.  Remember, this too shall pass......

I leave you with......

Habits
by: Tove Lo

p.s. this song reminds me of a song that used to make me cry when I broke up with my son's dad....Dev. 

Bad Girl
By: Madonna

To Sir With Love

Dear Journal:

I woke up this morning thinking about Psychology and how much I love and miss studying it.  It has been 10 months now since I got my Bachelor's degree and it feels great! I finally feel like I am part of something great.  I feel like I did something that makes me feel happy.  I learned so many wonderful things.  

I was going through some old new emails this morning reading articles on Psychology, and I stumbled upon a poem that I wrote last year when I was about to take one of my last finals in order to complete my four year tenure at Brooklyn College.  I am now living in Colorado and I love it here so much, but I do miss my days at the college, they were definitely unforgettable.

I remember that while I was studying for this one final, I kept thinking that through out those four years I had taken the advice of my favorite professor, and followed his advice on how to study for tests. While I was thinking of him, I came up with the poem below. Thinking of him inspired me! I took him for my introduction to Psychology class and after taking his class, I loved Psychology even more! This poem is dedicated to the best professor ever!


To: Professor Matthew Erdelyi with love.
Poem: Test Time


Test time, crunch time, stress time, book time.

I learned nothing but it's all inside.  Short term memory I no longer have, long term memory a little at a time.

I'll remember something, I'll know a few things, I'll think of professor, my great professor Erdelyi....
He said I could do it regardless of age, he told me get to it don't ever regress.  He believed in me when I no longer could, he took time to sit with me and told me I would....

Remember he said, just read it and learn.  Remember he said the page it is on.  Memorize the colors and the site where you saw it, build a mental picture and I'm sure you will know it.

I know you can do it, I know that you can! Remember how magically you will feel in the end! 

I thank you my Erdelyi for teaching me all! I'll do it, I'll do it! I know that I can! I'll remember pictures and words and the meanings, I'll remember moments and jargon and dreaming!

I know that I will, I will make you real proud! 

Thank you Professor Erdelyi for believing in me! I thank you forever, for standing by me!

MAPS

Dear Journal -

This song, I love it! it makes me think of something yet I'm not sure who or what.  I feel lost in my heart, and numb and uncaring.  When it comes to romance, my heart is empty and my soul lives because it's eternal.  I had a moment, the moment passed and now it's just the present, and every day I think not of anyone, no one is worth the time to think of them, life is good and all in all I am truly happy.

Maps - Maroon 5

Black Widow Baby!

I'm gonna love ya Until you hate me (Right) And I'm gonna show ya (show 'em what show 'em what) what's really crazy.

You should've known better than to mess with me, honey (it's all over with now)
I'm gonna love ya, I'm gonna love ya Gonna love ya, gonna love ya like a black widow baby

Black, black widow baby........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3u22OYqFGo

Hit the road jack.......

Dear Journal -

Dare I tell all that goes on in my mind without wondering if prying eyes will ever see what my mind has to share with thee? or should I let myself just spill out all that goes on in the deepest of my mind? his name is Mc M! and I have the pleasure of seeing him every single day and I bet he feels that way also! you know, he feels like he has the pleasure of seeing me also! but that is all that ever happens, we simply see one another.......

It all started four months ago when I started working at my new job, he would always walk past my desk and not even look in my direction, the very first time I noticed him I didn't really think much of him, I just thought he was a bit conceded, which he kind of has reason to be, young around 28 years old, handsome, and making bank! yup, I guess if I was young handsome and making a shit load of money I would probably act that way also, well, maybe not because that isn't my nature.  Regardless, I thought he was cute but never really gave it a second thought.  One day though, there was a training going on in the facility where I work (I am currently working for an oil and gas company) totally different industry than I am used to.  Anyway, there was a training going on and I decided that week that I was going to start wearing some eye make up and doing my hair differently.  The training class began and I kept feeling like someone was staring at me, you know that feeling? and sure enough, when I turned to look, it was him! Mr. Mc M! We looked into each others eyes and I believe that is the moment when the lust, mental love affair began! after that day for some reason we just started talking, I can't even remember why, but we did and the next thing I knew, we were texting each other and trying to find ways to talk to each other in the hallways of the company whenever we could.  I went to NYC to visit and the whole time I was there he and I were texting each other, but then something went wrong, somewhere somehow something disconnected and the next thing I knew, we were no longer communicating via text messages.  He was promoted to a new position and I feel as if he was sucked into it so much, he just got absorbed by the whole thing.

It has been six months now, and I will tell you that there were times in the past where he displayed such  acts of jealousy when he saw me talking to the other men in the office, that it almost made me nervous that someone would notice his behavior, but nothing ever happened, it was as if something cut things off for us and it just sucked away all our interest in each other.  I see him everyday though and I do love him so very much (as my friend) but there is nothing in me that makes me desire him like I once did, yet sometimes our eyes meet when we talk and it feels like we missed out on something.  Life at the office has become complicated, and we both are sort of focused on our careers, we now talk to each other on a different level, and things changed, but it was a fun small emotional ride there for a little while.  I do tend to loose interest really fast in the opposite sex lately, I almost feel empty numb, sort of like the tin man, no heart no more, no desire to love.

By the way journal, the other day I found out the once love of mine, the one who inspired me to write again and inspired this journal, is getting married! yup! I am not feeling any sort of way about it, but it bothers me that I can't wish him the best, for the first time in my life I am so hateful that I am seriously disappointed in myself.  I can't honestly say that I am happy for him and wish him the best, so I won't say anything at all.  Deep in my heart I keep thinking that he is living a lie, maybe I like to make up fairy tale stories in my mind to feel better about the fact that he is marrying another woman.  I don't care, I don't care and I don't care.  I have no expression or no sadness about it or no pain, no just a few tears rolling down my cheek as I write this post.  I remember always telling him when I wrote him those 500 letters that he never responded to, that I wished with all my heart that the day he decided to get married, I would no longer love him, because I don't think I would be able to handle it.  Lucky for me my heart is no longer his, and so it wasn't as devastating.....

Journal, I often wonder how Wilferm is doing.... He was my neighbor in Brooklyn.  I miss Brooklyn! not enough to move back, but I do miss it fondly!  Anyway journal, all in all life is good! and I have learned something so amazing in these last few years, and what I learned was that if someone isn't giving you the type of love whether it be friendship love or romantic love the way you give to them, if you are constantly the giver and not receiving anything back........ then that person needs to hit the road! who the fuck needs people who are blood suckers! I believe in give and take! and that's how I am rolling these days!

So yeah........ No love from Mc M! but it's nice to have someone to look at everyday..... if I only had a heart!

No Poem for you!

Dear Journal -

Some years ago I created you because I always felt like I had a lot to say and I kept saying it to someone who didn't care to listen, his name..... blah blah blah, it isn't even worth mentioning the name anymore since he has long been gone from my life and only barely ever makes it into my thought process anymore.  This sure does make me happy, for I don't love him anymore not that he ever deserved this love of mine.  But from that experience as with most experiences in life, I learned a very valuable lesson, and that lesson was that if someone doesn't want to hear you, to pay attention to what you have to say, if they do not appreciate all that you are, then you should not say anymore, you should write the words down and hope that someone else is reading, that someone else wants to pay attention, that someone else is caring.  And so that is why I am back here talking to you again my lovely journal! because you are ever so faithful to me with your caring, with your listening, with your silence and yet I know that these words will be looked at by someone, somewhere and somehow they will understand me and understand that it is ok to not be loved by or cared about or thought of or missed by or anything by anyone as long as you have good people in your life you can always talk to or even an amazing journal where you can share your life and that is you!

Thank you for reading, I have been missing you so much and yes the thoughts are always there and the will is broken by my tiredness.  All I do is work lately and I am not complaining but I am really tired.  I do miss writing, so the other night I picked up my phone and wrote a simple poem to someone, someone who inspires me even though I have no reason anymore to be inspired by him.  Yet there they were, these simple words that I wanted to share with him and yet I couldn't, because it wouldn't mean to him, what the words meant to me.  In that moment after the very short but what I thought was a sweet poem was finished, I deleted immediately and thought of you and how much better it would be if I would just put those short words here, because at least here, whoever came to see what I had to say, would at the very minimum appreciate it and if they chose not to keep on reading then at least those words would be on the world wide web forever and they would mean something to the void.  So what were those words? I will put them at the end of this post.  But first let me tell you a few things that have been going on in my life.

A few weeks ago right after I wrote my last post, I got a text message from the last person I expected to receive a message from, I looked at my phone and had to do a double take because I had a message from AJ, I cried when I read what he had to say and I got myself together before I could respond, because at first I wasn't even sure if responding was a good idea.  But after about 20 minutes of feeling overwhelmed with joy and confusion, I wrote him back and just like that, he was back in my life and after we spoke and he invited me over his house, I ran there as if the most important thing in the world had happened and I had to run to his bed.  Yes, that is exactly where I ended up and I have to tell you journal, that on that day I made love for the very first time in about 7 years, what happened on that bed was not just sex, it was something deeper, it was greater it was paradise.   I left his house feeling shaken, I felt confused and scared and I was trembling the whole way home.  The worst part, is that I wasn't feeling that way because I had an orgasm or anything of the sort, I did not, what I felt was deeper, it had nothing to do with our bodies becoming one, it had nothing to do with the physical act that had just occurred, it was something else and I don't know how to explain it.  That night I barely slept, I kept twisting and turning and thinking of how deeply connected this human being and I were, how deeply spiritual what we have is and yet we both fight it, because he denies us what we can share.

The next day I got a message from him asking how I was doing and I felt like he was at the starting line and like the gun fired but he refused to run with it, instead he stood at the starting line and stared and held back, because he is still not sure what to do with me, how to deal with me, where to place me in his life.  And yes, ever since that day there has been small talk here and there, but it is the type of talk that you have because you want to make sure everything is cool, you want to make sure that it is ok, but you don't want to say too much because then everything will get messed up, so you just hold your tongue and wait.  I don't know what to do anymore, so I just gave up and just live.  What else can I possibly do? everything I have ever had to say I have said it, everything I have needed from him I have asked for it and I don't know what else is left to do.  So last night when I picked up my phone and wrote this short little tiny poem, I deleted right after, because I felt that he did not deserve my love.

So, without further a do, below are the sweet words that were meant for him, but instead I share with you........

three, the number of weeks since I last saw your lovely face

three, the number of weeks since I felt your warm embrace

three, the number of weeks since I had you near me

three, the number of weeks since I felt so complete

and if three turns into thirteen or thirty five or three hundred I will not care, for I had you and we became one soul and that moment forever I will hold, because in your arms I became a woman and your touch made me feel like no others.  So here I am waiting to hold you again and three weeks have passed and three weeks are gone but the touch of your hands in my memory forever, the tender kisses the deep breaths, the passion, the magic the paradise the moment, the love.

I WANNA ROCK WITH YOU!

Dear Journal -

I know that I have been totally and completely neglecting you, but it isn't really my fault.  My life is so totally busy that I barely have time for myself, there has been one event after another and I'm just exhausted at this point.  I have been meaning to write to you since I visited New York about a month ago.  That was the first time since I moved to Colorado, that I had been back and I have to tell you that I was not exactly happy to be there.  The whole time I was there I was running around doing something that wasn't fun, like taking boxes to my storage unit preparing it so the remainder of my possessions could be brought to me.  Can I just say journal that I absolutely love Colorado and that I have never felt so totally and completely satisfied where I live! I mean how can I not be happy with all the blessings that have come my way since I have been here.  Every single day I think of AJ remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html and miss him so much it hurts, like literally one day I was missing him so much I felt physical pain, I did honestly, I felt pain in my bones and I cried and cried until I felt better (this was about a month and a half ago) I miss him mostly because if it had not been for him, I wouldn't have known about this amazing city I now call home and not being able to share all this joy with him really saddens me, but I know that it is best that I stay away from him as he brings more sadness than joy to my life, I mean he just doesn't know how to be my friend and truth be told I don't know how to be his friend either, because it is difficult when there are so many feelings involved and even when I try just to be a platonic no strings attached friend, he always thinks that I am trying to get something from him that he doesn't want to give me and then it just gets crazy.  So, as much as I miss him with all of my heart and soul and being, I have to be strong and let him be.

Speaking of letting people be, there is also someone else that I had an encounter with when I was in New York that I quite honestly was not expecting, and it is partly or well it is completely my fault actually, because I went looking for him, and maybe that was a bad idea.  This encounter was with my old neighbor, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-is-it-just-little-crush.html well, the last time I saw him was a year ago when I helped him move some of the stuff from his apartment and clean it out when he was moving.  That night we said goodbye and in my mind I thought that I would probably talk to him randomly here and there, since he had moved and I was moving to another state.  I thought that we would be like those people that talk once in a blue moon to catch up.  To my surprise, he stopped completely talking to me, and although I still don't completely understand why, I think now I finally know.  Actually, maybe I still don't, but at this point it no longer matters.

During my time in New York, there was only one person I really wanted to see and talk to, and that person was him.  I know that he Dj's at this lounge in NYC so I decided even before I left to NY that I would go by and see him and say hello and catch up.  WELL! I get there and I'm supposed to meet a friend (who never ends up showing up) so I bet he (the ex neighbor) probably thought I was lying.  But anyway I get to the bar and I have to admit I was a bit nervous, but very excited that I was going to get to see my old friend that had stopped talking to me for who knows why, and I go in and there he is looking as handsome as always! in that moment I knew that I would always and forever be completely attracted to that man, and that he is probably one of the only men since I have been single, that I could have seen my whole future with, he and I although so controversial, we had so much in common, so much.  And yes we probably wouldn't have had a perfect relationship, but if he would of given me half an opportunity, I am certain that he would have not regretted the experience.  Instead our whole friendship was controversial and crazy and to a certain extent mean and cruel!

He greeted me respectfully as he always has been and asked me if I had just got into town, and I told him that I had and that I had to see him because I have missed him and why wasn't he talking to me? and of course he avoided that question but what happened next is what really took me by surprise! he began to apologize to me for everything that he ever did to mislead me or to make me think I don't know what and he said he was sorry over and over again and then he played two of the songs I dedicated to him which felt weird to me that he did that, but it also meant a great deal to me because it meant that they made him think.  After being there maybe like half an hour feeling really awkward and out of place, I decided to just leave.  I told him I was going to go and he apologized again and I told him I was sorry also, for anything that I had ever said to cause him to feel as he said "like a bad person" which just to be clear, I NEVER thought he was a bad person, I honestly don't think I would ever say that about anybody.  One thing is writing things about someone that hurt me or that made me feel bad and I am expressing my discontent with the situation and another thing is calling someone a "bad person" but at that point nothing I would say would change the fact that he made up his mind that I was not someone he wanted to have any sort of communication with.  So we said goodbye and I walked away feeling really really lousy! and when I walked outside, I WAS THAT GIRL! the one that is walking down the streets of New York City crying not caring that there are people looking at her.  I cried for like 5 blocks until I got to my car and then I called my friend and started crying to him telling him what had just happened! I cried in my dads car (he let me borrow it while I was in NY) for what seemed like hours, and when I say I cried, I mean I CRIED! like sobbing! I felt so completely sad! because I thought we were going to see each other and feel really happy and give each other a big hug, maybe have a drink or two, catch up on what's going on in life, I don't know just enjoy the moment, and instead I got apologies and things that I did not want to think or talk about, the past is back there, I'm here now in this moment.

So, this is what I get for trying to be ok with people that probably dislike me because I talk to much, I say or write things that hurt them, I express myself freely not considering other peoples feelings, I am probably the bad person and I am truly sorry!

It is important to note that before I left I said to him that I hope we could talk again sometime, and he said that he did not promise me anything because the damage was done! damage? I wish someone would explain to me what damage he is referring to? since we never had a romantic relationship.  I don't understand and at this point it doesn't really matter.  I will never forget my friend though and I will always remember him fondly!

Wilferm..... All I wanted that night, was to ROCK WITH YOU!

Good night journal!

I leave you with... Rock with you By: Michael Jackson.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2pU85gwh_U

A little Philosophy for the night.......

Dear Journal -

Although I have a bunch of things I want to write to you about, I am so tired I don't have the energy to do so right now.

So, for now I will leave you with this bit of philosophy........

"When I asked God for strength

He gave me difficult situations to face.

When I asked God for brain and brawn

He gave me puzzles in life to solve.

When I asked God for happiness

He showed me some unhappy people.

When I asked God for wealth

He showed me how to work hard.

When I asked God for favors

He showed me opportunities to work hard.

When I asked God for peace

He showed me how to help others.

God gave me nothing I wanted

He gave me everything I needed."



Swami Vivekananda
(1863 - 1902)
Indian Philosopher

Cruel Summer.....

Dear Journal -


I know that I don't write you nearly as much as I should, especially because I have so much time on my hands lately and it feels awesome! I have been doing a lot of hiking, I really love my new environment and hope to continue to discover it.  All those who surround me make me feel special and really happy.  I have been talking to someone lately that I am very attracted to, he is pretty cool but I am taking things really slow and with caution, I do like the attention though, it feels nice.  I met him about a month ago but we didn't really start talking the way we have been about a week ago I guess, although it feels longer even though we do know each other longer.  Nothing has really happened between us but we both have expressed mutual interest and we talk, he's really really handsome, I'm in lust!

Other than that, today I got a call from my friend Nacho, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/love-sex-drugs.html he and I have not been able to talk for over a year.  He called me and told me that I had forgotten all about him, but I really haven't.  Yes I don't think about him on a daily basis like I once did, but ever so often I will call his mom and find out how he is doing.  When we spoke I got a little chocked up, I know for sure that if there is one man in this world that loves me unconditionally and would probably do anything for me if he could, it would probably be him.  I was really happy to hear his voice.

I am really sleepy right now journal, but I had to go on these pages of you my sweet journal and share with you that life is pretty awesome right now! by the way, the other day I was in Denver, CO which is about a 45 minute drive from where I live, and for some reason I thought about Benjamin Nunez, the one person I have written most about since I started this journal.  Anyway, I had the urge to call him and to my surprise, his number was disconnected.  When I hung up, I was in tears for a few minutes, I felt so sad that the one thing that kept me connected to him in some way, was the fact that I still had his personal phone number, and now I no longer have it.  No we haven't spoken for about three years now, but I always thought that one day we would talk again, and yes I still can send him a message on a social network site (which he probably won't respond) but it isn't the same thing, I had his personal phone number and now I have nothing, no link to the one man I have probably loved most in my whole life.  It was a sad moment, but I cried I took a deep breath, I experienced that feeling and then I let it go and went on my way doing what I do now, enjoying happiness.

Journal, I have to leave you with this song, because I heard it the other day and I truly love it...it reminds me of a girl that I once knew..... ME.... I probably already have it posted on this blog, but I don't care, I'll post it again.

Cruel Summer 

By: Bananarama

Set You Free

Poem: Set You Free
By: Jazzy
Written: 6-4-2014


I love you, so I will set you free, but I want you to know, that you will always have a little piece of me.  

I'll miss you, when the sun sets over the mountains, and wish you, that all around you there is calmness.  

To love you, was all I ever wanted, but I will set you free, for you will never have to hear from me.  

I'll let you go now, but know that of my heart, you'll always have a hold.  Farewell my darling, may your days be filled with love and your nights be filled with gladness...


Picture - Sunset...by Jazzy
Taken with Iphone on my hike of June 4th 2014 Horsetooth Reservoir, CO

IT'S TOO LATE.........

Dear Journal -

Life feels good, I am pretty happy with it lately.  I have gained like 15 pounds I think and I'm a little down about that because I feel so heavy in my skin, but I know that if I work really hard I can loose it.  I can't really run anymore because my achilles tendon hurts every time I try, and I have been working so much I'm always tired, but life all in all is really good!

I miss my friend AJ very much, but I know that I must move on from him even though it hurts me.  Other than that, I don't have much more to tell you.  I feel sad that I don't write to you as much as I once did, but my priorities have changed and writing isn't one of them, I do write for my new job though, and that makes me happy! I promise at some point I will try to write more often......

I'm tired.  Good night Journal.

I leave you with:

Carol King
It's too late....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gntZrO59dE8

Dear Journal....... May 20, 2014

Last night I watched the season finally of the Vampire Diaries (which I love) and at the end of the episode I cried like a baby! at first I was crying because the way the main character was crying for the man she loved felt so real, that I was deeply touched.  Soon after though, the more I cried, the more I realized I wasn't crying over the episode anymore, all of a sudden my tears had turned into tears of sadness for my own reasons.  At first I began to think about AJ and how much I miss talking to him, I miss my friend! I hate that we always fight for the stupidest things that make no sense, yet make so much sense at the same time.  Clearly the feelings we share for one another are very deep, yet he made a decision about me which was not to allow me in his life in a certain capacity, and that decision makes it difficult for him to be my friend.  Yes I know that this fight I was the one that told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore, but I only did that because I was so angry at him, at the things that he does, anyway, I cried last night because I missed him so much and everyday that passes, it's a little bit harder. 

AJ by the way journal, was never my boyfriend, AJ has always been my friend, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html buy we have had so many crazy fights, you would think we have been a couple for over two years, which is how long we have known each other.  Anyway, the person that I was dating, I broke up with him a few weeks ago also, I have to admit that being single feels good to me, I don't know, I have just gotten so set on my ways and so used to being with myself, that I feel disconnected almost from that life, the life of a pair.  I am happy however that at least I gave it a try and at least I gave it a try with someone super super nice, super special.  I felt really bad to have to break things off with him, but there were just to many factors involved that I don't really want to get into.  I still speak to him and think he is a great person, but I don't see him, I think it's better to keep my distance for a bit. 

Journal I also miss my oldest son so desperately! I have not spoken to him in over a week and that is the longest time I have not communicated with him.  He is now an army soldier, started boot camp last week, I miss my boy! I am so proud of my child! it feels so weird that he is no longer a child and that I can't take care of him, he is a young man, preparing himself to defend our country! I'm honored to call him my son!

I have so much more I want to write but I am so tired! I have been working two jobs to make some extra cash.  I love my new job though and soon I will be quitting my second job which is a lot of fun.  I love Colorado! I wish I would have moved here sooner!

Good night journal!

Sooooo Sick of him!

Dear Journal:

I'm sick and tired of AJ! yup! I seriously sincerely am! all he and I ever do is argue about dumb shit and I'm tired of him accusing me of not being able to have a girlfriend because of me! how the hell is it my fault? his explanation is so ridiculous that I can't even believe someone would say something so ridiculous! but what can I expect of a young man that has no life experiences? these feelings that I have for him have to go away! I don't want them anymore!

Journal, AJ who I have known for two and a half years, has occupied my thoughts and my heart for far too long, and we hung out and we are so cool as friends and then he turns around and gets mad at me about things and instead of facing me and telling me to my face, he hides behind his phone because it's easier to send text messages to express yourself.  I'm so over it already, if he thinks that this time I'm going to try to make up with him he is so wrong, I am done with this situation, I don't care how many tears I will cry from now on and how many times I will miss him desperately! I guess you are wondering what happened to my boyfriend? well, we broke up.  I am also sick and tired of living lies, I will not do that to him, myself or anyone else.

Yesterday I went on a hike and thought about how much Ben would of liked Colorado.  I know it's ridiculous that I still think of that man ever so often, but well you can't blame me for it, I loved him for 5 years of my life and never even kissed the dude, that's pretty significant.  Anyway, lately I have been really happy with the way my life is going, and I don't need any complications with anyone.  I have realized that me and and relationships don't mesh well together and I don't want them anymore! I'm done trying to be nice to people and being taken for granted.  I have decided to go back to be single and being pretty happy! I have been single for years and been ok with it, I'm good!

My I guess now ex boyfriend, he is a nice person and I can be his friend, but I can't be with him, it doesn't feel right, it just doesn't and I don't want to continue to pressure myself to be with someone just because I feel like I need to be in a relationship to feel normal.  I am normal, I am just fine and I have many things I need to do right now, I cannot be worried about men! fuck them all!

I am in a shitty mood today, I am tired and wish I could sleep all day, unfortunately I have things to do, but journal, I promise that the next time I write you, I will be ok.  THIS TOO SHALL PASS! and yes, I will forget about all this nonsense that I don't need to deal with or tolerate.  I feel bad that things didn't work out with my boyfriend, but he is way too all over the place for me! the lesson that I learned from this experience is that you NEED to be friends with someone first! I have to be friends with someone before I can be in a relationship with them, being with him so fast was kind of crazy! I seriously felt trapped! worst feeling in the world.

Anyway...... I don't feel like ranting and raving anymore...... so I shall go!

peace journal!

Not a bad thing!........

Dear Journal:

Hi! I have been missing you! I sometimes forget that the reason why I got you was because I preferred to go on a site that I consider mine, ie. my own blog page, then to go on a public social network site to share my thoughts.  For starters, the limited amount of characters on a status update, doesn't allow you to fully share what is REALLY going on in your mind, just imagine me trying to share all that happens in my life on one status! that would be totally nuts!

Today I received an email from my wonderful ex creative writing professor, I truly enjoyed his class! he told me he was moving to Los Angeles with his amazing fiance and to continue to write, he also told me that if I ever wrote anything I wanted to share with him, he would review it and critique it! that was in my opinion pretty awesome of him to offer! I think he is one awesome guy and hope that one day he gets the credit he deserves for his hard work.  Anyway, after I read the email that ended with the sentence... "keep writing" I realized that I have been totally slacking on my writing, and that I need to get to it ASAP! the problem is that I can only write things that are currently going on in my life, and I am not sure if writing certain things would be a good thing.  I can very well start telling you a few things that are of no importance, but writing those things would be sort of lame I guess, because when I look back to this my journal to remember a time, I would like to remember it as accurate as possible, however, in the past, I have gotten myself in all sorts of trouble with things I have written, so I am not sure when it is ok to write something that is real and happening, and when it may be time to keep things to myself? except if I keep things to myself then I am not being true to you, my live journal....

The other night as I laid down with my boyfriend, I told him that I was having a really difficult time being in a relationship.  I told him that I was beginning to feel claustrophobic and that there were days when I wanted to just start running.  He asked me what about us being together made me feel that way, and I told him that the fact that I can't just up and go as I please, really annoyed me and I proceeded to give him an example of a day last week, when I wanted to just take off, but didn't do so because I had to stop and consider his feelings about me disappearing.  After I told him that, he told me that all I needed to do in the future, was to call him and give him a heads up that I was going to do something, and he would understand.  I guess he didn't understand that, that is exactly what I didn't want to do, that is exactly what I dislike about being in a relationship, except if he did that to me I would probably be upset.  I told him that also, I told him that I felt like I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, and his response to that was, that cake was meant to be eaten! and after he said that, he proceeded by telling me that he really didn't want to talk about all of that at that moment and after he said that, he turned around and the conversation was over!

I am not sure where this blog post is going, maybe I just needed to let that last paragraph out of my head and on to this page, because when I tried to express to my boyfriend how I'm feeling and what thoughts are going on in my head, he chooses not to talk about it and pretend I didn't say anything.  The truth is however that I feel pressured, I feel claustrophobic and I feel strange.  I don't know how to do this whole relationship thing, and I don't even know if I like it.  I have been alone for so long I no longer know how to be part of another, I don't know how to be ok with having to let someone know my whereabouts as if they were my parent.  I don't know how to deal with someone else's attitude and pretend i'm ok with it.  I don't know what things I should tell this person, and what I shouldn't.  I am scared to fall for him, but even more afraid to think of maybe letting him go and worst of all, I am starting to miss him whenever I'm gone for a few hours, even though I shouldn't have to because I know that I am going to see him later! and the reason why I know I will be seeing him later is because I am currently living with him temporarily, and I have no where else to go but to his place! I am seriously feeling a bit overwhelmed by this whole thing and all he can say is.... "I don't want to talk about it right now," and I'm supposed to be ok with that? I seriously forgot how fucking annoying being involved with someone is and I just don't know how long I can deal with it for.

So yes, all is nice nice on the surface, there is a lot of kissing going on, and we have sex and yes we laugh and tell each other past silly stories, so yes, everyone is happy! or are we? is he? I mean I tell him I'm having a hard time being in a relationship and he turns around and goes to sleep! what the fuck! maybe he is also and doesn't want to address it, who knows! in any case, I am feeling overwhelmed and a little lost in the shuffle, I just don't know that I know how to be a plus one! I liked my freedom! I enjoyed doing what I wanted when I wanted and I have been honest about it except he pretends I didn't say anything and then I pretend I didn't say anything either because we weren't supposed to talk about it! what the f$#@! I keep telling myself that things will get better, and I look at his face and think to myself.... "damn he's cute!" but is cute enough to keep me around and pretending that everything is fine and dandy? or is this relationship already heading to it's end when it barely just began? or am I over analyzing this because it is going so fast? I hate it! why couldn't it just be simple! 

So, yes journal, this is what's going on in my life currently and I only hope that by being honest to you, I don't end up messing everything up because the wrong person might read this post.  But well, I will stay true to you no matter what trouble I get into, because at the end of the day, this is me, this is my life and I choose to share it!

I will leave you with my new favorite song! yes.... it makes me think about how my boyfriend feels about me... Jazzy is scared!

Justin Timberlake - Not a bad thing...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8ygKnBtKAk

My boyfriend trusts me!

"To let go of someone you love, does not mean you stop loving them, it simply means setting them free, so they can fly" ~ Jazzy

 

 

Dear journal ~

 

Today I went to get a burger because I have not eaten a burger in a really long time and decided that although my diet is mostly vegetarian, if I ever get the urge to eat some meat or chicken, I will, without feeling guilty.  Anyway, I went to a place at 11:00 a.m. because I thought today was the buy one burger get the other for a penny, and I had read the sign wrong and the deal is actually on Friday nights! DARN! we decided we would wait until Friday and on the way out of the restaurant/bar, he said to me that we needed to get some food in me soon because I was really cranky! I guess he is really getting to know me! he, or the person I am referring to, is my boyfriend! YES! I have a boyfriend and for purposes of my blog, I will call him.....DJ BASS!

 

I have known him for two months now, and while I can sit here and go on and on about him, I have decided to wait it out a bit before I start ranting and raving about my cool man! he is indeed one cool guy! and there is nothing he will not do to make me happy! I don't even know how to act sometimes because he spoils me! I am finally being treated the way I deserve and I won't complain about it! my guy is sweet, loving, generous, kind, funny, silly and simple! oh and TOTALLY BRAINY! I watch him do all sorts of stuff and can't help to feel amazed at all the things he can do! it's pretty darn cool!

 

So, after he and I walked out of the burger joint, we went and got some food at the supermarket and had a picnic! I am always with him, it's strange that I don't get tired of it, but I really don't, it feels comfortable and like I'm doing the right thing.  This relationship is not one of those relationships where I can say that I am head over heels, but more like a relationship that is starting slow, one that we are just so cool with each other and can talk about anything.  I always feel like I'm hanging out with my new friend who I get to tell all my stuff too and as an added bonus I can kiss whenever I feel like it! that's the best part about it, I get as many kisses as I feel like it! and let me tell you journal, I am fully taking advantage of the situation! I am kissing as if I was a HS girl who only sees her boyfriend during school hours! woooo hoooo!!! kisses kisses, LOTS OF THEM!

 

I met him a week after I arrived in Colorado at a warehouse rave, basically it was a house music party at a warehouse in Denver.  I had bought tickets for the event before I even arrived in Colorado.  I saw him and noticed he was looking at me, and thought he was handsome but kept on enjoying the music not really paying him any mind.  A few hours later, I had walked away from where I first saw him and ended up standing right near him without realizing it, when I noticed him, we looked at one another and smiled, but at that moment I felt like I had to go to the bathroom so I began to walk away from him, as I started to walk away and he realized that I was leaving, he ran after me, like literally ran a little so he could grab my arm and introduce himself to me, I shook his hand and told him that I was on my way to the bathroom and would be back (we always laugh at the fact that he ran after me! awe!).

 

When I returned from the rest room, he asked me if I knew of a town named Fort Collins, turns out that is the town he lived in and what do you know..... so do I! we later also found out that he knew all of the people I was with, so he was a friend of my new friends here in Colorado which was pretty cool.  Anywho, that was two months ago and I have been hanging out with him ever since.  I guess we have been seriously dating officially though for about a week now, although we have been together almost every day for the last two months, it wasn't until the other day that I felt comfortable with the fact that I am now in a relationship.  Six years it took me, SIX!.... to feel ok with this thing called being with just one person, I am still adjusting.  Journal, his patience has been what got us here, I cannot begin to tell you how much patience he has had with me, he is truly a great guy! I feel lucky!

 

So, today after the picnic, I cut his hair and with a straight razor shaved his beard, the best part about the whole thing was that he told me that he trusts me, it felt so good to know that I am with someone who trusts me, like literally trusts me with a straight razor on his throat! that man must really like me! HOLLY SHIT!!! but I made sure I was careful and made sure I was gentle and made sure I wouldn't cut my man's face with the straight razor, I gave him a nice clean shave and a cool new hair cut! YUP! I bet you didn't know I could cut hair and shave a man's face??....BUT JAZZY CAN DO VERY MANY THINGS! wooo hoooo!!! Well, technically it was the first time I shaved a man face with a straight razor, but he knew this and still said he trusted me! now that is TRUST! I think I did a really good job and he said as long as I liked it, he did also! as I was shaving his beard off I kept kissing his lips because they are so awesome! we kept saying that if I opened my own barbershop I would probably get lots of tips if I would shave and kiss my clients! YUK! So yeah, we always have fun and always talk all sorts of things and well, we both love music! music pretty much brought us together, good times!

 

Journal, life in Colorado is truly peaceful, I love it here, and I feel great! hopefully on Friday when I have that burger finally; I won't feel guilty!

 

Stay tuned............

 

peace and love..........