My home my happiness!

Dear Journal -

It's been a few weeks maybe that I haven't blogged and I have to admit that this time it hasn't been like before, when I think of you all the time and have intentions to write but then never do.  This time, I've been very distracted and really busy with my new job.  I have to admit that I have mixed feelings about it, no it isn't that I don't like the work that I do, but it's just that the money I make isn't where I want to be.  Before I took the position I talked about it with my parents and my really good friends those who I love and trust.  They all told me it was a good idea to take the position, because for one I wasn't working, and some money is better than no money.   So yes, I understood what I was doing when I accepted the position, but now I am bummed because I really love this job, I really love the work that I do, and I really really like that I have my own office! It's so cool to have my own space that I don't have to share with anyone, I am slowly making it my own and the process is slow but coming along! However in the back of my mind it annoys me tremendously that not only me, but many many people in my field aren't fairly compensated for the work that we do, we are people trying to make other people's lives a little better! 

Everyone I work with really truly cares and that makes it such a nice place to be daily, knowing that I am with individuals that truly love what they do! I feel like I'm where I was meant to be.  But the most rewarding part of the job is when I am able to give one person hope, someone who had to sneak out of her home with her 4 children because the man that she married was beating her and her kids and she's found it in herself to get the courage to leave, to run and to change her life for her and her children.  She came into the shelter with absolutely nothing, fleeing from a man that doesn't know how to appreciate his family, someone who treats her bad and controls her because of his own issues.  On Friday before I left the office, she said thank you to me with a huge smile, and in that moment I knew that the money didn't matter, because the gratitude from the people I help, filled my life with joy! and that is what is truly important! I am making enough money to take care of the things that I need so it will do for now, I know eventually I will be in a better place financially.

Nothing else has been going on in my life worthy of me talking about, although I did join weight watchers online.  I have gained 20 pounds since I've been in Colorado and I am not very happy about it.  I understand that I have to age and that I can't control crows feet and wrinkles nor can I control getting grey's which I'm starting to get, but the one thing I can most certainly control is my weight, so that is what I'm trying to do.  I am trying to loose weight because in my life it has always been a constant struggle, however it is something that I can control and therefore I am working on controlling it.  I have to admit that I have been lazy with going to the gym, but I did get a bike and I started riding my bike to work last week, I am hoping that will help me with my goals.

I haven't dated or met or talked to anyone in a really long time, I've sort of being focused on me and my goals getting my life where I wanted to be.  I have however been spending a lot of time with good friends, I feel like I have made some really good friends here that I feel are my family in Colorado and that makes me really happy! I have to say that all in all life is pretty darn good and I am pretty darn happy.  I really love my new home Colorado! 


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Love me like you do.........

Dear Journal -

I was just out with some friends and I got home and I don't feel well.  I did not have not one drink, not one! the last time I drank too much I sent someone a message that was not mean because it was true, but kind of mean because it was too true.  Anyway, I didn't only send that individual a message, I also sent someone else a message, his name is BK and the song that I just attached to this post for the strangest reason makes me think of him.  BK and I met at Brooklyn College him and I had 3 classes together and we became really good friends, long story short we had a brief romance but it was very intense.  He is way younger than I am which is probably the only reason why we are not married right now.   Anyway, that's a brief description of who he was to me in my life.   About a month ago we talked on the phone for about 2 hours, we almost didn't want to get off I feel like it isn't only hard for me to accept that we can't be together, I think he feels the same way so I always try to keep my distance.  I am so proud of him though, he is about the get his MBA from a great University, he is just everything I want in a man, just fucking awesome as hell! I miss him all the time and think of him more than I should, but thinking of him makes me miss NY so I try to stop myself from indulging in my thoughts of him.

I think the song I've attached to this blog makes me think of him because we once took a drive in Brooklyn in my old car which was rather small and he took me to this park in Brooklyn that I did not even know existed, we got there parked in a parking spot and we had sex in the front of the car.  It was pretty crazy because the parking lot of that park was pretty well lit, but he didn't care we just did it and it was amazing! having sex in a car in NY is illegal, you can get arrested, but we didn't care, we felt it and we did it.  I guess I think of him with this song because him and I were both very adventurous, we once planned to do it in a class room at the college, so we waited until the class was dismissed and plotted on how to sneak into a class and get it on, we figured out a way and did it.  It was scary but awesome, the risk was getting kicked out of school, but I guess we didn't care about the consequences, we just wanted to enjoy a crazy moment.  I miss him all the time.

What we felt for one another was real...........

Safe and Sound

Dear Journal .........


Yeah yeah..... I KNOW I've been fucking up! but yo! a girl needs a break! shit be going down in one's life and I can't very well go divulging shit as it goes down! how the fuck would that be real journalism? ain't nobody wanna know about my fucked up life! or do they? prob. so since people love to know about others misery which by the way is a whole psychological state that we all experience except i'm feeling too nice to remember the correct psych. term to describe it.  But basically even in a hospital where you are all fucked up and down and out, our psyche will make us compare ourselves to others that are in a worse situation to help us overcome our own issues or our own health in the case of a cancer patient.  So yeah, Jazzy be going through some shit ya heard! but I always come back stronger cause that's how I do! (smile).

Ok. so here is the break down.  So I got to Fort Collins, CO and made it, like I legit made some crazy good moves, I landed a kind of HR job in an oil and gas company making bank at least for this area.  Making bank means getting paid well for my territory (my area) ya heard? some amazing benefits and amazing people.  Can I just say the people I worked with made it the most amazing place in the world? like I completely miss them so very much from the very conceded educated jerk face to the most humble cutest thing I've ever met! it was my first family here in CO and I loved them all so very much! WELL the oil industry came crumbling down and so did I (insert sad face) I knew when my boss was acting weird, like trying not to interact with me as much as possible.  that he was going to have to let me go, I would be one of the people that wasn't going to be around much longer.  I could tell by the way he acted around me.  What this man didn't know is that I loved him regardless and that I never took anything serious because business is business and that's how it is! so, I just hung around and then the day came when I was laid off from my first real job in CO and alse the first time in my life I was ever laid off from a job.  I was truly devastated! like I did not know how to deal with it.  OBVIOUSLY I cried as usual since I  AM A CRY BABY! and so I cried and my best friend JC and I were dwelling in self pitty and him and I went to a bar drank some and fell sorry for each other (thank God for my BF JC who I love!).  

So here I was in Fort Collins, CO with limited friends and connections and just me myself and I.  So what did I do? I decided that I wanted to volunteer! so I went to volunteer at a women's shelter because I figured this was my chance to volunteer in my field of study and I could help people and see if this is truly a good fit for me so I could move forward.  I went through a three day training and was really nervous to start my volunteering, but then the coolest thing happened, after I was done with the training the trainer called me and told me they had a position available and she wanted to know if I would be interested in applying.  I was in disbelief! of course I did want to apply! not only was it in my field of study, but the position required someone that was bilingual Spanish! how awesome is that! 

So, long story short, I applied interviewed and got the job.  I am truly grateful for this opportunity and feel lucky to have the chance to help others.  I am a bilingual advocate at a domestic violence women's shelter and I've only been working for a week, but I already love my co-workers and the work that I will be doing.  I am really happy to be able to share this story on my blog and am sure that I will have a lot more to share with regards to my awesome new job.  I started to write this blog post a week ago under the influence of lots of beer.  So, I started it out with my "Brooklyn ghetto/ganster voice" I joke around with my friends and gangster talk as a joke, that was me gangster thinking while under the influence of alcohol.  The truth is, I'm not really gangster and yes I did grow up in Brooklyn my early childhood and early teens, but I am grateful that I was able to stay away from truly dangerous situations and was never arrested or lived anywhere so unsafe that I was ever scared.  Or maybe when I did live in that neighborhood in Brooklyn, I was too young to be out at a time of night where I would understand the dangers of a Brooklyn mean street.  Either way, I am glad to be writing to you today journal, because I truly miss you!

Conclusion of this post.... I now feel once again after accepting a new job that I am safe and sound!