Journal Entry - 10-27-11

Dear Journal:

I think of you every day because I miss writing so much! I have been swamped with school work and feel that, that is all I do.  School, school, school! So much has happened in my life this last past week that I simply felt that I must absolutely share, it’s so weird, because I don’t really have a social life, yet there are all these developments to my personal life, it’s sort of weird when you try to make sense of it in a logical way.

On Tuesday night as I was walking to my car after getting out of class.  I felt really sad and I began to cry as I thought about my fear of love.  I started thinking about all the nice people that try to get close to me and how I never believe anyone and how I don't trust.  I felt really sad that I have lost that sense of giving anyone a chance, based on the things that others have done to me.  I was also crying because I kept thinking about how hard it is sometimes for me.  How sometimes I just want to give up my dream and fail.  I kept thinking of how I have no sort of social life at all and all I do is kids, school, work and how sometimes I feel like what I'm learning is not sticking in my brain, like I dont' really know anything! yet other times, I will catch myself talking about something I have learned in the last 3 years since I have been attending college.  


I cried really hard in the dark as I walked unaware of my surroundings.  Not even the the chilly wind that hit my face and made my tears feel cold bothered me.  I just got lost in my sorrow and let it all out, it felt really good.  Then, once I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I began to ask myself questions, the first thing I asked myself was, what are you doing Jazzy? and my answer was, I am getting the degree that I have been wanting for 10 years.  Most days, I feel ok with this decision, but somedays it is really really hard.  On those day, when I get home and see them, my three true loves all of a sudden it all makes sense in my mind.  I want this for me as much as I want it for them. 

One of my kids told me the other day that I never pay attention to him.  This truly broke my heart.  I try to be mindful and make time for each of them individually, but sometimes, I feel like I am being pulled in 3 very different directions and it is difficult to give them each my undivided attention at all times.  When he told me this, I had to sit and explain to him that I did not mean to not pay attention to him, and that I was really sorry.  And then I asked him, what it was that he always saw me doing? and he replied that he would see me doing my HW and then I asked him why did I do my HW? and he said because I wanted to do well in school.  Then I asked, why do I want to do well? and he said, for them.  I then explained to him that I missed him and that he could always interupt me and talk to me, because he was my number one priority.  


Being a mother is such a tough job sometimes.  I feel like no matter how much I try to do this job well, it is never good enough.  However, it is important to me that my children understand that I am here and that they can talk to me and tell me how they feel.  It is important to constantly communicate with them and try to be involved in everything about them.  However, sometimes I know that I slack and that I need to step up to the plate even more.  I HAVE to make the time, no matter what it takes.  Sometimes in life we don't realize how much we are missing out, until it is pointed out to us.  I run around like a crazy person half of the time, and sometimes I have to stop and ask myself Jazzy what are you doing? in order to put everything into perspective.

Yesterday I took a test and felt really happy about it.  I have studied so very hard that I actually remembered stuff! I get really nervous and blank out during tests, so I am working on developing some new ways of overcoming this fear that screws me up severely.  My Professor who I absolutely love, could tell I was nervous, but he looked at me and told me to just the the best I could.  I absolutely love that guy..... Oh, I already said that!

Tuesday was an eventful day indeed, I had a headache all day long and wasn’t feeling too well, but I had a test so I had to go in to school.  Anyway, I’m getting a coffee in the McDonald’s near my school and I start thinking about BK my lovely friend who I miss dearly.  I have written about him numerous times on my journal, because he was someone significant to me....  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/05/dear-bk.html So I’m standing on line, thinking about how he and I would sit at that McDonald’s, discuss life and laugh like crazy.  And all of a sudden I felt really sad about the fact that he no longer speaks to me and I have absolutely no explanation for it.  He just decided he did not want to be my friend anymore and after him walking away from me and ignoring me when I tried talking to him the last time I saw him, I decided that day, that he was dead to me.  However, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t cross my thoughts some days, and that I don’t always mentally wish him well and hope he is happy. 

So I am standing there waiting on the line, and that song walk on by comes on the radio.  I had not heard that song in years and I really like it, so I start to sing it and think about what would I do if I saw him again.  As I am signing the song I am thinking, well, the most loving thing for me to do for myself and to respect his wishes of not wanting to be my friend anymore is to just walk on by.  A few minutes later when the song is over and I am finally done making my purchase and am walking into my school campus still thinking about the song and my friend the next thing I know, there he is!……… MY BK!

When I initially spotted him, I was really far away, so my first thought was, HOLLY SHIT! that looks just like him!! but I couldn’t really make out his face so I wasn’t really sure. HELLO!!! I’M 40 NOW! I’m practically blind! So I’m squinting my eyes and thinking to myself, is it him??? And I’m like no, that’s not him, I’m delusional because of my little episode in McDonald’s and the song and what not.  Besides, that guy is too short.  I keep getting closer to this guy, but the guy is looking down reading a book as he is walking, so I’m still not sure if it's him, but then, I get close enough to see that in fact, it is my BK (insert sad face here).   As he is walking passed me, I am looking dead at him, but he is oblivious that I am even passing him, I knew that he wasn’t doing the reading thing on purpose, because since I initially caught sight of him we were too far for him to recognize me and he was already reading the book, the whole time as he was walking he was always looking down reading the book.  I am pretty sure he wasn’t doing the reading thing intentionally. 

As he passed by me, I felt like I didn’t know what to do, but decided that I needed to do the most loving thing that I could for the both of us, so, I walked on by.   After he passed me, I even stopped, turned around and continued to watch him read his book as he exited the school campus.  He never noticed he had just passed me.  My lovely ex friend how much I miss us! There he was, someone I had gotten to know in a very very close way and I had to pass by him as if he was a stranger.  My friend BK, that exactly a year ago, he and I would walk through the same campus joking around and enjoying each other’s company.  It was a really a sad moment, yet I knew, that I did the right thing.  I walked on by, and did not disturb my old friend who I love.  I never understand why, but little by little, I'm learning to accept that sometimes it has to be that way.


Luckily, two minutes after seeing him, I bumped into another old class mate that I had not seen since last year and he completely took me out of my moment.  I have to say I was really happy to see him and catch up with him.  Thank God I saw him or I would of kept dwelling for lord knows how many more minutes about the events that had just happened!

Journal, I am in a bit of a dilemma with myself right now and am not quite sure what to do.  I decided a few months ago, that I was going to listen to a friend who said to me once, Jazzy, your problem is that you get stuck on people that you feel any sort of romantic interest in, and instead of keeping it moving, you stay there waiting for things to happen, fuck them! instead of doing that, just keep it moving.  Well, this of course is way easier said then done.  First, it is really hard for me to like someone.  Second, I’m very picky as to who I talk to.  Third, I never find anyone that I feel sexually attracted too and last, I’m sort of hum bug about the whole relationship intimate thing so I sort of do things to turn people off and push them away.  Yes, it is true I already did some self assessment and self analysis and have come to the clear conclusion that after having gone through so much heart ache in my life I have completely shut down.  


I’m afraid of committing to someone and don’t want to be bothered.  Still, I do try to date every now and then and every now and then I will start to like someone and then I act crazy and push them away.  Additionally, I sort of know what I’m looking for, so when the person I am seeing doesn’t quite fit what I want, I just sort of go with the flow knowing all to well that it’s not going to go anywhere.  I also have absolutely no time to spend with anyone, so I also think to myself that it isn’t fair for me to try to be with someone when I know for a fact, I can’t physically spend time with this person.  Yes, it’s hard! I feel lonely sometimes, but every night when I go to sleep I feel happy and feel that I am doing what’s best for me.  It’s all worth it!

Every time I stop talking to someone, I give myself a few months to heal from it, I like to take a break from dating and meeting people and I just get really focused on myself.  However, EVERY SINGLE TIME I’m on this mode, someone comes into my life and does something to take me out of it.  Explanation, I met someone really really nice that I thought of as just a friend and we have been talking every day.  Well, here I am thinking of him as just some really cool awesome guy who I happen to think is extremely cute but I’m just thinking of him in a platonic way.   On Tuesday however, he tells me he really really likes me in a romantic way.  At first I was so taken a back, I had to tell him I couldn’t talk to him for the rest of the day, but after it dawned on me and I thought about it, I thought WOW! I CAN’T BELIEVE HE LIKES ME!

I thought about what my friend told me, that I needed to keep it moving, so I decide to talk about it with this guy.  We talked about it and decided that we are going to continue as friends and see where the road leads us, but I am really excited that I am actually giving myself a chance to get to know this person and that I am not staying stuck on stupid and am keeping it moving.  It’s a whole new way of me looking at things.  And I am really loving that him and I can talk about anything.   It’s just so awesome! Just comes to show that if I keep it moving, then I really will keep meeting people that will blow my mind from time to time!

I read in a book once, that we are all able to write our own love story.  I have decided that I want to write mine, literally.  My dilemma is that I don't know, if when I begin seeing someone and think they have potential, if I should let the person know that I'm writing about us? this particular person who I am currently getting to know, know's about my blog, but I have never told him where he can find it.  We haven't really talked about it.  I kind of don’t want him to read it yet either.  But, I don’t know if it is fair to him or anyone that I end up writing my love story about wether it be now or 10 years from now, that I am in fact writing it and he is non the wiser. 


Obviously, I am not going to put everything on here about what happens between us, I am going to write a separate journal of events and I will post them only when and if things happen between us in a serious way, but my dilemma is, that whom ever it happens with, should I be writing about it and him not knowing? I don’t know if writing my love story is something that I want to share with the person while I’m writing it, or after we have said those beautiful words……..What if this person has no idea that I am writing all these things about us and then I tell him and he gets upset that I am putting our private life on the world wide web? When do you tell someone, hey, by the way, I'm writing my love story and just wanted to let you know that I am, ok? Oh and by the way, it's on my live journal on the internet. 

What if in his mind, it isn't really a love story and I am anticipating things without knowing where his thoughts about us are? You see my dilemma??? Anyway, this is me just thinking out loud, I don’t know who it will be, but I think I prefer for now, to keep to myself the whole I’m writing my love story thing.  I will journal everything privately though and I hope that one day, I will be able to share my love story on my journal.

I think it is pretty cool, that I have this live journal going and that even when I am not journaling, people are still reading my stuff.  WOW! if only I could dedicate more time to you my beautiful journal.... But I cannot for now! Still, please know that you are always on my mind.  I am always mentally writing what I want to share with you, I am always thinking of what to write next.  Journal, I'm really really happy! things are good all in all.  I thank God every single day of my life, for all the wonderful blessings that he brings to my life.  Yes, it is hard and sometimes I cry, but it is also called life and I struggle just like everyone else in this world does.  The difference between them and I is, that I have you to share my thoughts with, but there are others that cry and don't have anyone to share that with.  I hope that if anyone comes across this my beautiful live journal, and they have felt like giving up sometimes and they have cried on a lonely street or felt like they can't take it anymore.  That by reading you, they will feel better to know that it doesn't only happen to them, and that they are pretty ok off.  Feeling all these things,  just means they are alive and they are feeling the things we all do...... It is OK! 


Enjoy the song..... Walk on by: Sybil.....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DL8jmpUxMI

DEAR JOURNAL - 10-21-11

Dear Journal:        

God I have missed you much! I am afraid that I have been neglecting you because the truth is, I have been feeling a bit I guess, out of it for a lack of a better word.  Not emotionally though, in that respect, I have been feeling very cheerful and pretty happy.  But I don’t know, I feel like I’m not inspired lately, like something is missing and I don’t know what it is.  I can’t stop thinking about moving out of New York yet I know that that is not feasible for a while, so I need to get back to the present time and not allow myself to be in the future as much as I have been lately.  I’m not sure why this is, but I almost feel like I’m trying to rush time, when in reality, this is the only moment I have.

I have been spending a lot of time trying to focus on my classes lately, I feel very driven and focused in that area of my life, this makes me really happy! I am really nervous about my midterms next week, I am afraid, because one of my professors really LOVES me, like seriously that man loves me and everyone in the class knows it.  But when I say love, I don’t mean it in the romantic sense of the word, I mean it in the sense that I think he knows that I truly enjoy his class and always ask questions and try to be actively involved in his discussions.  This is of course because it’s my Psychology class which I COMPLETELY LOVE! Now, the thing about him loving me is, that I also feel that he will probably have high expectations for me in terms of my grade for the test and this is where I am freaking out.  I study and read and do everything I am supposed to do for all of my classes, but sometimes I feel dumb like it just doesn’t stick in my brain.  In addition, whenever I take a test, here is what happens, I get this anxious feeling in my stomach, I feel like I can’t breath and I feel like throwing up.  It’s sort of the same feeling I get when I like someone a lot, but with the test taking feeling there is an added thing to it, which is that I blank out completely and can’t remember anything! It’s really really scary.

I am a visual and interactive learner, so what I try to do is when I’m taking a test and that feeling comes over me, I start to take deep breaths and imagine the page that I was studying and then I see the images or words that I studied and that’s how everything starts coming back to me.  I hope to do really well with my midterm, I want to make this specific Professor proud of me! I really admire him and am thinking of asking him to become my mentor.  He is a brilliant Psychologist and I want to pick his brain and learn from him.  I would love for him to guide me in terms of where to go with my education.  He is simply awesome! On Wednesday I got to class a bit late and when I got there, this girl told me that the first thing he said was where is (Jazzy) he didn’t really say “Jazzy” he used my last name, but he meant me that’s how he calls me, he calls me by my last name.  Anyway, I love him because I know that he respects me as a student and I think he sees in me potential, he can tell that I take his class very serious and that I love it.  So needless to say, he is very fond of me, but I don’t think he would use that fondness to give me a good grade if I didn’t work hard for it or if I didn’t earn it, nor would I want to get a grade that I didn’t earn.  So, I’m stressing!

Other then that, I have met some really awesome new friends in the new social network site that I am on.  I am having a lot of fun with it and everyday it is more and more clear to me, that there are hundreds upon thousands of men and women out there and that if one doesn’t work out, you should give yourself a chance to meet some other wonderful individuals.  I believe that this is not only true with romantic relationships, but with friendships as well.  I’m not seeing anyone or dating anyone, I can’t even remember when the last time I kissed a man was, but I am most certainly learning a lot of things about people and myself, by giving individuals a chance to come near me.

I KNOW, I’M REALLY WEIRD! WHAT ELSE CAN I SAY!

Antonio Vivaldi

Vivaldi's music, was lost for centuries.  It wasn't until the 1950's that he's music revived.  I'm glad they found his music again, because thanks to that, I am able to experience the feeling I do, when I listen to this lovely music!


This time period, is my favorite time period.  Maybe I was a peasant in that time, or maybe....... I was royalty! oh my!




Antonio Vivaldi - Winter, Maki Itoi & Vienna Philharmonic

OFF THE WALL - MICHAEL JACKSON

Today after my class or rather, yesterday after my music class, I was getting my nails done and this song came on! I LOVE IT! After I kept thinking about my music class and how happy my professor always looks.  OF COURSE HE DOES!!!! HE TEACHES MUSIC AND MUSIC IS SIMPLY AWESOME!!!


So Tonight Gotta Leave That Nine To Five Upon The Shelf
And Just Enjoy Yourself
Groove, Let The Madness In The Music Get To You
Life Ain't So Bad At All 


Off the wall: Michael Jackson :)

I love this guy!!! MUSICAL GENIUS... CHECK IT OUT!!!

I'm preparing for my music class tomorrow.  I'm learning about the Baroque Period - Music from the 1600-1750.  Although I find Opera very beautiful, I've seen one.  I was getting sleepy, so I went back to one of my previous classes, where we learned about this guy..... His name is Greg Gillis and he created what is called Mash Ups.... What he basically does is he makes songs out of a bunch of other songs, but the engineering behind it is very very clever and timed so precisely, that he goes from song to song so smoothly, you don't even feel it..... BETTER THEN A DJ.... He integrates, different genre of music beats into one song... HE'S AWESOME! I LOVE THIS GUY!


His stage name is Girl Talk and this is the mash up we heard in class..... I don't need to tell you that I wanted to get up and DANCE!


GIRL TALK - LET IT OUT

TGIF WOOO HOOOO!!!!!!

I'm sitting on my bed with my laptop on my well, lap! and I'm having a drink of Bailey's Irish Cream.  I will share with you what I'm wearing, but get ready, it isn't very attractive or sexy or any of that.... brace yourself! I'm wearing this royal blue beach dress that I bought when I was in Aruba almost 4 years ago..... 

Aruba! what am awesome place to visit.  Anyway, I am writing because I'm afraid that I am completely hooked on the new social network site I joined.  It is in my opinion a lot of fun.  I have met many great people on their, some are jerks, but for the most part, the majority of the people I talk to are seriously awesome!  I have a few new I guess I can call them virtual friends.  Except I know that behind each one of those emails, there is a human writing to me.  Someone who's interest I pick.


Sometimes I am not sure whether this sort of thing makes me happy or sad, meaning, once upon a time in my life, I went out and met people live.  Now, it seems as though we have lost ourselves in a virtual world and we forgot the most precious thing which is real live human contact.  I pity the young generation almost, because I remember when I was 19, I was out meeting people and feeling their warmth.  To touch someone's hand or kiss someone's lips or hear someone's voice, to me, it's just absolutely the most wonderful feeling in the world, yet here I am, stuck in the virtual world.  I too have lost that loving feeling of the human touch.


I do have to admit that I am on a social network site because I cannot have a "real life" due to my schedule.  However, when I get a bunch of emails a day from strangers asking me to video chat or to chat or if I have msn, I am left with no choice but to wonder, what has this world become?  No I DO NOT CHAT.  I don't like too, I don't have skype, I don't have msn, or yahoo, or I do have msn and yahoo.  But I DON'T CHAT.  If I am really interested in someone, no matter how far in this country they may be, I want to some time, find time and have some coffee with this individual, because I know, that behind those pictures that I see, there is a real man or woman.


In conclusion to what you may think as a worthless read.  I must add that I have met a wonderful new girlfriend.  Who today made my day when she sent me a txt message with a picture of her new boyfriend, letting me know that she was feeling better and that the guy in the picture made her smile, every time he does.  I felt so happy for my new girlfriend and I wish her nothing but the best and hope that one day soon, I will have the opportunity to meet her in person.  She lives in Illinois, but there is no place too far for me to travel too.  If there is one thing I love is to be able to see a new skyline....... awwww! Architecture!


ps. this celibacy situation is stressing me out.  If you don't know about my Celibacy situation you can read this....  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/10/jazzys-deep-dark-secrets.html


pss. My life is no longer like Katie Perry's song! FUCK!!!! 


T.G.I.F - Katy Perry


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlyXNRrsk4A

Shakira - Antologia

Shakira - Antologia.......


I love her and this song!!!!!!

JAZZY'S DEEP DARK SECRETS!

I can't drive for shit! the last man that was in a car with me, told me I was the only person in the world capable of making him feel sea sick in a car.  I hate to drive!

In the winter, I hate to wear socks to match my cloths, they have to be different colors and the crazier the sock, the more I like it..... I think I have sock issues!

I am trying to practice celibacy, I try my hardest not to look at men, so that I won't be tempted to think about sex.  So, I have been avoiding this one really really really drop dead gorgeous guy, that my guy friend thinks has a thing for me.  I don't want to see the guy, because every time I do, I imagine him and I rolling around a bed........ That is NOT GOOD!

I often think of someone that is really far away.

I gave a guy my number, to give myself a chance.  Or because he kept asking and I felt bad not too.  When he sent me the first message, I was annoyed that I gave him my number and then I was annoyed that he couldn't carry a conversation.  Then he was so nice, I felt bad about the whole ordeal..... I'm debating whether or not to continue to talk to him, but I really want to concentrate on school, men are a distraction..... I met this person on line, which is not where I like to meet people.  But, I keep thinking about the last person who I met in person, forgot what he looked like, and then when I met him in person again I really liked him, because him and I had constant communication.  So, I have no idea what I'm doing! he's 25.....

While I was on vacation in Costa Rica, I didn't sit out by the beach, because there were soooo many hot surfers, I didn't want to be distracted from my studying, so, I stayed in the room which had sliding doors a roof fan and a futon in the living room area, and I studied there.  Best vacation I ever had! no liquor no men! IT WAS AWESOME! No one believes me, but it true.

I'm really scared to fail my Psychology midterm.  Yes I do read, but I feel that I need to study it more, except I don't know how to study it, I'm scared! what if I don't do well???

I don't really have a real crush on my Geology professor, I do think he is an awesome man, and probably a great catch, but he isn't really my type in a way........ I'm not sure what "my type" means anymore!

A man in the new social network site that I joined, got upset with me because I told him he wasn't "my type".  I felt bad about making him feel bad........ My honesty offends people.

I cried about the man that I love today, I cried about him ALOT, It was really really bad.  I feel like I will never get over it.

Someone I really liked, isn't feeling well and although I keep thinking of him and sending him love mentally, I can't send him a message to wish him well, I mean I can, but I don't think it to be a good idea.... I used to have secret conversations with him.........

There is a powerful man that has a crush on me, I think he want's to sleep with me, he is extremely handsome, has power, money........ IS MARRIED! I don't do to others what I would not want to be done to me, so I stay away....... He's really cool though, BUT HE'S MARRIED!

Online, I met this 37 year old guy who has 3 kids and a grandchild.  He is not HOT, but there is something about his looks that attracts me.  I keep thinking, wow! he would be perfect for me, I can have the big family I always wanted and as an added bonus, I would have a grandchild! how awesome is that???? Except, he sort of stopped talking to me, because I'm a Yankee fan WHAT THE FUCK!!!! men of all ages are psycho!

I finished reading a book on Stoicism, I really like their beliefs.  I might try to practice Stoicism.... They try to live a tranquil life.... I believe that is the sort of life that would please me to live..... let's see what happens.

Who ever comes across this post, I beg thee, DO NOT! SHARE MY SECRETS......... GRACIAS!

OH, ONE LAST DEEP DEEP SECRET.  SECRETLY, I THINK I'M CRAZY....... my consolation is that...... They thought Einstein to be a crazy man also and I usually try to handle my craziness as best I can....... HOPE I NEVER GO COMPLETELY NUTS!

Jazzy the CRITIQUE!

For a really long time, I have been trying to work on managing my anger.  It is really quite difficult for me to control my anger and to try to not say things that I will later regret.  Due to my anger issues, I lost someone that was very significant to me.  After loosing this friendship,  it was clear to me that I needed to take control of this terrible trait that I do not wish to possess.  Anger is a poison that takes control of us in ways that drive people to do terrible terrible things.  Whenever I feel anger, I try to control it by thinking the opposite of it which is love and when I begin to think in terms of love, my anger subsides.

The other day, I read something that made me so angry, that I immediately retaliated by writing something that was not very nice.  I wrote it, with intentions of later that evening putting it on my blog, however, once I let love come back into my heart,  my anger subsided and I decided to not put it on here. 

I started this blog for many many reasons, so many in fact, that I can’t even remember the purpose anymore.  However, I write from the heart and I want to make sure that in being true to myself and others with what I say, I put on here the things that I write that are intended for to be here.  Additionally, I feel that putting real life events on here, makes me real and hopefully, something of what I live or experience, will help someone else realize that they are not alone in their craziness, that I am far crazier then all the rest, and that it is ok.  I am sure that many laugh at my blog or think it’s stupid or useless or pointless, but to me, it is my journal.  These are the events that take place in my life, I have chosen to share them with the world wide web and allow whomever wishes to come into my world and see what it is that I have to say, to do so freely without me even knowing who they may be.  I often remind myself that this is for me and for you, whomever you are, a person, that is so kind as to take time out and read my thoughts.  I write because I love it, it is my hobby, or maybe it is becoming my passion.

Below, please find the the words of an angry woman.  I can not and will not share who what I wrote was intended for.  What I will say though is, that this individual is probably the only one in this world, capable of making me feel the feeling of hate and anger.  But remember, there is a thin line between love and hate……… Forgive me for the below angry message.

********************************************************************************

You are a critical thinker.  You obviously think things through thoroughly enough that you are able to articulate and put forth your ideas, in an amazing way.  I don't believe however, that you apply the ideas you write about, in your life.  I'm sorry that I am playing the role of your critique, but it is just that reading the things that you write, makes my blood boil with anger and resentment.  How can one be a person of prestige and admiration, yet be such a hypocrite at the same time.  How can someone so brilliant be so absolutely phony! 

I fear that I do not for a minute buy your lies.  And I feel bad, for all those that surround you and look at you with admiration, for they are the fools that you keep contained in your spell of lies.  You resemble a character of a book I once read, the characters name was Toohey, from Ayn Rand novel....

If in my studies on psychology I don't learn anything at all.  I only hope that I will learn at least enough, to uncover your mind and brake down the reasons behind your strange behavior.  I wish to uncover the truth that lays under your spells and magical conquests.

One more thing, there is no need for you to write entire entries that makes the reader feel as if a PHD degree is required just to be able to get through the entry.  The masses have an 8th grade reading level, and your followers follow you from different corners of the earth. Everyone already knows you are intelligent, unfortunately for you however, what you have in intelligence, you probably lack in sexual organ size.

One more thing, you visiting my blog does not please me.   Please stop, I no longer wish to be the inspiration for you thoughts! I know that I am because there can not be that many coincidences in life! stop copying me! You are to me, but a bug that needs to be stepped on! Your like a computer virus that spreads and annoys the shit out of everyone.

In conclusion, I have a nice word for you, one that those who are not PHD graduates or undergraduate students will surely understand.  The word is......FAKE! How can someone write stuff they don’t mean.  I just don’t understand that!

His name..... JOSEPH (INSERT HEART HERE)

Since I have absolutely no social life lately, it’s really hard to write a journal of events, as there are seriously no events in my life right now.  So, I decided to write about my past, as I had intended to do back in December when I started my blog.  

I have been thinking a lot lately, about the things we do when we are in our young adulthood.  When we think life is hard and when we do or at least I did, so many crazy things that to be honest, the other day when I had my birthday I kept thinking, God I am so lucky to even be alive.  One day a friend I used to have said to me, I should be doing all the things you did when you were 20 (that's how old he was) my response to him was.  Please God no! please don't do the things I did, listen to me please, you are doing it right.  

This post is about Joseph (insert sad face here) the boy I met before I had any children and I lived all alone in NYC, I had the freedom to do as I pleased, and I just lived my life as a wild NYC girl would.  

I met Joey in a club one night when I was very very young.  Damn! Writing very very young, just made me feel very very old (insert sad face here) anywho, I used to go to this club called the Tunnel which was a house music club in Chelsea NYC or was it there?? I can’t really remember now, because that was when I was really really young! (insert sad face here) Back the (damn that just made me feel old) Chelsea was filled with hookers and drug dealers (I was never a hooker! thank God).  There would be pimps walking around the streets and seriously, the streets were filled with drug addicts.  It was truly sad.

I have always had a very strange in my opinion, taste in men, or maybe, I just hang out with women who have different taste in men then I do, and therefore, when I ask their opinion on the men I might think are good looking, they will look at me funny.  I will never forget the way I met Joey though, or what my initial thought about him was and how my friend said I was crazy and laughed at me because she didn't think he was good looking at all.  The other day however, I was thinking about "my taste" in men and started thinking about way back when, when I was younger (insert sad face here) and compared my taste in men then versus now and I realized that most of the men that were significant in my life, had some sort of resemblance in their look.  Meaning, my taste has not changed very much and I am pretty stuck in my ways as far as taste or the type of man I like is concerned.  

Anyway, when I saw Joey, I noticed him because he was dancing and I loved the way he danced.  I have written before how I love the art of dancing.  I remember that he was in a dance circle battling and I stood there watching him in amazement and thinking to myself omg! He looks like Prince! (Prince the artist Prince).  He was thin and a bit taller then I was.  He had dark long hair, the length was probably a little past his chin.  He had an oval thin face and thin nose and very sexy lips (I love lips, kissing is my weakness) He had a shadow beard well trimmed, scruffy but sexy! I remember that night so vivid, that I even remember what he was wearing.  He had on a white button down polo (by Ralph Lauren) shirt, some jeans a hat and sneakers.  He was in my eyes, just FINE! 

I don't remember how we started talking all I remember though, is that by the end of the night, in the clubs, they would always play disco classics and music by Prince.  I remember him and I dancing and hugging and next thing I knew, we were in his bedroom having crazy sweaty passionate out of control sex! And after that day and for the next few months, we continued to have crazy passionate uncontrollably excellent sexy body (his not mine) sex and sex and more sex! It was fucking awesome! Literally!

Please don't expect me to write anything else about Joseph, because I don't remember his full name or date of birth or what his favorite color was, or what school he was attending. I only remember that he was living in Williamsburg Brooklyn, he live with his dad and his dream was to be a professional dancer oh yeah and that we had sex sex and nothing but sex! It was awesome! damn those were the days (insert sad face here)

We had so much sex in fact, that one day, (please note, what I'm about to write next may seem a bit gross so proceed with caution)I get my period and I am in bed with the most horrific cramps I had ever had in my life, and everytime I would get up from the bed, these huge chunks of liver like pieces of blood were coming down and falling into the toilet, I remember feeling so extremely scared and in shock and not knowing what to do or who to call.  I was so scared in fact, that when I felt that the next chunk of blood was about to come down, I would try to squeeze my vagina almost in hopes that the stuff wouldn't come out.  I lived alone in a room and I didn't have health insurance, I was about 18 and I had no clue as to what the fuck was going on! I was very sick for a few days, and I was pale and didn't leave that room until the bleeding stopped.  It was truly a horrific experience.  

A few months later I was telling a woman who was older then I was, what had happened, she told me that it appeared as though I had a miscarriage.  As an adult who has more experience now and thinking back at those events, there is no doubt in my mind that, I indeed had a miscarriage.  When I think now of that experience, I cannot help but to thank my lucky stars and all the alcohol that I used to drink, and all the partying that him and I were doing, for that miscarriage! I was pregnant with Joey's baby and didn't know it.  Til this day, Joey never found out, because we broke up and I never had the opportunity to tell him.  

Writing this makes me wonder was the sex really that good?  What did I know about sex at 18 years old??? I bet what I thought was great sex then, I would probably laugh about now.

Right after breaking up with Joey, I met my oldest sons dad, at that point in my life, I was young and alone and I went from relationship to relationship because I did not know better.  My son's dad, was a graffiti artist from the upper west side who knew everybody or at least everyone in the (club scene) social circle.  Dancers, graffiti artists, gangsters, thieves, drug dealers.  Because he was very well respected, Joey stopped talking to me, because he didn't want any (beef) problems with anyone.  And, I was not allowed to talk or be anywhere near Joey, so Joey and I never got to talk again.  

When I had my first son, I wanted to give him as a middle name the name Joseph, because that was his grandfathers middle name.  I wasn't able to give him that name, because my son's dad, did not allow me too, he kept saying that I wanted to name him that because I always thought of Joey.  That was not the case though, I just always liked the name Joseph.  I didn't give my first son that name, but when I had my second son, I gave him that name as his middle name.  Maybe deep down inside I always did remember Joey, or just thought he was a great dancer and lover and someone who's child I briefly carried inside of me.

I never saw Joey again.  Every now and then, I will see a man that resembles him and think to myself, I wonder if that's him? or I will think, wow, that's probably what Joey would look like now.  When I think back at that time of my life and I compare it to now, I think! OMG! the crazy things I have done! I'm so blessed to still be here writing this story.  For many reasons I can't really tell the stories exactly as they happened.  But I will say this, we live everyday and we learn and I meet younger people all the time because I attract them like flowers attract bees.  I always talk to them and give advice to them and hope that they will even consider one or two things that I say.  

I didn't have anyone in my life at that time to tell me anything.  I was a wild child, running around the streets of NY acting all kinds of crazy.  I'm glad that I had my first son, who truly made me stop and realize that I needed to change my life for the better.  I believe that today I am exactly where I am supposed to be.....

This is my memory of Joseph (Joey).... Thank you for reading!


He really did look like Prince... Enjoy my favorite Prince song...

Prince - When Doves Cry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9rZ4fOHReo

THE BRAND NEW HEAVIES - Never Stop

This song always reminds me of when I was a teenager, and the singer, used to go to my dads Salon to get her hair done by one of the hair dresser that worked for him.


I vaguely remember her, but I do remember that I learned the lyrics to this song.  Sometimes, I find it relevant and I sing it, I wanted to put it on my blog, so whenever I find it relevant, I can reference this post and play the song.


Sometimes in life, we hold back due to fear of the outcome, of getting hurt.  Fear, the biggest impediment to happiness... 


Fear not, for I will not hurt thee!


My favorite part of the song is........


True there aint a minute in the the day that’s without you
Hoping that you feel it too What you want
What your feelin I am feelin too
Never stop never giving up






The Brand New Heavies - Never Stop

Dear Journal - 10-03-11

Dear Journal -


So yesterday was my bday and I got to talk to the only person that I really really wanted to talk to.  He made my day! I told him that he inspired me, and I bet he didn't believe me, but he does.  My son took me to dinner like the man that he is, my baby is no longer a baby.  He is so awesome.  My daughter was finally baptised and she kept telling me Happy Bday mommy all day long.  At one point she wanted to start singing are you one, are you two.... I laughed so hard and told her she had to say, are you 10, are you 20.  I was able to have some family time so needles to say, it was an awesome BDAY, filled with love and happiness and surrounded by the one's that I matter most.


Today I'm 40.  I'm not sure how I am supposed to act now that I'm 40.  I keep thinking that I have to learn how to act more age appropriate, but I'm not sure what that really means? I act natural always have always will.  I don't think age can change the way we feel inside, I project in the outside, what I feel in the inside.  I will always be real, I will always be me, no matter what age I am.  This is who I am and I am soooo happy with that.


So, yes today I am 40 years old, but in my heart and soul, I have no age.  I am Jazzy and nothing has changed, but the number I have to say when they ask me my age......


So needless to say........... I feel 40 AND FABULOUS!!! WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!

I think that is a quote from my favorite girls from the show sex and the city.  LOVE IT!

lil wayne - Mr. Carter (Featuring Jay-Z) - Tha Carter 3

I don't really like lil Wayne because he annoys me.  But I like this one.  And I love Jay-Z




Lil Wayne

Got spring hatin' on me 'cause I ain't never sprung
Winter hatin' on me 'cause I'm colder than you all
And I will never, I will never, I will never fall
I'm being hated by the seasons
So fuck you all who hatin' for no reason

Jay-Z

I'm right here, in my chair
With my crown and my dear
Queen B, as I share
Mic time with my air
Young Carter, go farther
Go further, go harder
Is that not why we came?
And if not, then why bother?




LIL Wayne - Mr. Carter (Featuring Jay-Z)

OneRepublic - GOOD LIFE!

I love this song!!!! 


Life is awesome! no matter what we go through.  Life is a gift, be thankful for what you have.  


I always cherish every moment, like it's my last.  Even the moments when I'm down, it's all part of this whole thing we call life! Make every moment count!!!