SECRET CONVERSATIONS!

It was summer of 2010 and the moment I saw him, I thought to myself damn he looks good! I always admire beauty, I don't only admire beauty in men, I also admire beauty in women, children, animals and all things on this earth.  I am a Libra, it is in our nature to admire beautiful things, we love artistic things we are lovers and social butterflies.  When a Libra falls in love, they give their 100% and most often then not we are loyal individuals and try to be fair.

So it is without a doubt, that the first thing I notice in a man is his looks.  Of course when I am in love with someone, I probably don't pay attention as much, but since I am single I have to admit, that I rather enjoy the view of all the variety of men in New York City.  The diversity is just awesome.  I LOVE eye candy! the thing is though, that I may think someone is handsome, but that won't mean that I will like them or want to kiss them or have sex with them, sometimes I will think someone is handsome, but just handsome enough to look at, I will just want to admire their beauty.

When I saw him, I liked him, I thought he was handsome and I could imagine myself having a sexual affair with him.  Yet I knew that the nature of our meeting was one which had to be handled in a way that I had to be careful and never allow myself to indulge in these thoughts to much.  After thinking about it a bit, I let these thoughts go and forgot about it.  

One day, for reasons I cannot really write about on my blog, him and I started to have what felt like secret conversations and although these conversations were always PG in nature, while these conversations were going on, our eyes were saying different things.  Still, I had to keep this one situation under control because there was too much at risk.

I would often think of this man and even plan whole scenarios with him in my mind and when I would have the opportunity to see him and talk, our chemistry was that of two people who in the right situation, might tear each other's cloths off and have a passionate love affair.  It was that intense or maybe it was the fact that it was a situation where there was more to be lost then to be gained from indulging in what I truly believe we were both thinking.  Or  rather I think that at least that's how he felt.  I didn't feel only sexually attracted to him.  I truly saw that we were very much alike in many ways and that we had a very unique chemistry in the way we saw the world and the way we thought about life as a whole.  

One day however, he said something to me that broke my heart into pieces.  I never felt so low in my life nor did I ever feel so humiliated or treated like less then a human being.  After he said it, I had to go somewhere and cry, actually as I write this and think of his words, my eyes are getting watery, because it was really very hurtful.  

I will not say what his exact words were, because I cannot.  But I will say this........ I have written about how after my marriage I tried on line dating because I had been in relationships all of my life and was afraid to be alone and find out who I was.  So I started on line dating, one day I met a guy who was attending Columbia University to get his masters degree in writing.  When we started corresponding, he told me that he really liked the way I wrote and then said that he was going to send me a story about us.  

I only corresponded with him at that point maybe like 3 letters.  To make this a short story and make my point, he wrote a story to me about us, which I did not find intriguing or even remotely interesting and when he asked me to write something back, I told him that I did not feel comfortable doing so.  I had this feeling like this guy was going to take my story, that I would write to him, and build on it or change it up and use it as his own, I did not trust him.  

I did not trust him especially after one day when I said to him, why don't we meet up and this way we can talk about our writing.  At this point we had only corresponded maybe 5 or 6 emails and I was not interested in him romantically, but rather I was interested in what he had learned about writing.  I had given him a bit of my background and he knew that I did not come from a family with money, he knew I was a single mom struggling to raise my children on my own and that I was not working.  So when I asked him to meet me he said.......

Jazzy, I am sorry but I don't see the point of us meeting, we CLEARLY COME FROM TWO DIFFERENT WORLDS.......... When I read this and felt sick to my stomach, my response to him was.......  XYZ... I am not sure what you mean, I LIVE ON PLANET EARTH, WHAT PLANET DO YOU LIVE ON?

My point is, that because he was a Columbia University student who came from a family that was probably very rich, he did not feel that I was 'GOOD ENOUGH' for him.  I was not "FROM HIS WORLD" So basically I am making a comparison with this Columbia University student and the gentleman that I was crushing over and having these secret conversations with.   The man I was having secret conversations with, didn't use the same language meaning he did not say "WE COME FROM DIFFERENT WORLDS"  but his words had the same meaning which was ......YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME......

WOW! I forgot that when rich people die, they don't rot the same as us poor folks, I also forgot that rich people don't get sick, they don't feel sad, they don't cry, they don't feel the same things us poor folks do.  No, rich people are WAY BETTER THEN US MERE MORTALS.  The thing is, that he isn't even rich, because there are some really really rich absolutely humble amazing people, that I have had the fortune of meeting.  Not all people with money are the same.  Yet some of them think they are from ANOTHER WORLD!

The thing is, that I am the richest person in the world! I may not have any money, but I would have given that guy, my love, my time, my body, my soul and probably made him very happy.  I am so glad that our secret conversations, were just that, they were secret.  But I know what he felt and thought when he was around me, I know the affect I had on him.  Now, when I see him or talk to him, I still have the same effect on him but the only effect he has on me, is that of disgust.  I feel sorry for him, for being afraid to not live what he so badly wanted to.

Please note, this man is a single man.  I do not or would not date or think of being with a married person.  I try my best to never do to others, what I would not want to be done to me.  

I wish I could send him this blog post (he doesn't know the URL to my blog) so that next time I see him, he won't try to make a flirty funny impressive remark.  He treated me like dirt because he has more then I do.......I am happy for him! I wish for him nothing but the best and then some! I further hope that one day he will find someone  "LIKE HIM" That can make him really happy.  I had to write about this, almost to let it go from my system and to allow myself to let go of the anger I felt for so long.  He made me feel horrible.  I forgive, but sometimes, it's really hard to forget.  So instead I am trying to learn how to let go of the feelings that do not serve any positive purpose in my life.  It is difficult, but definitely worth giving a shot.