CAUTION!!!! THERE IS A LOT OF PROFANITY ON THIS POST @$%**())&^%%$
please note: I wrote this a few days ago when I was feeling EXTREMELY emotional and overwhelmed, however, as of today when this post is actually being published, I am feeling quite dandy! a little stressed due to school work, but emotionally stable! that is ALWAYS a good thing to be!
Dearest Journal -
I remember once when I had this dream that there were prying eyes that looked down on me from the sky, big red shot eyes the color of blood with a dark oval outline that made them look really scary, I felt the heavy stare on me. I think I relate them to the eyes that appear in my all time favorite movie, Bran Stokers Dracula.
Yes, maybe it wasn't a dream journal, maybe it was a memory. I will tell you what else I wish would be a memory, I wish that giving him a thousand kisses would be a memory, yet I could not recall a memory that wasn't recorded because it never happened, and yet I see a picture of him and his love of two years, and I still wonder what the fuck was wrong with me? What about me made him not want me? I'm going to be very mean with my words right now journal so please forgive me, but I think I have the right to be mean and pissed at times! I mean really journal? What the fuck does she have that made him pick her? Like all those years that I was in love with him i had all these theories of why maybe he didn't want to be with me, I kept thinking that maybe he wanted someone younger that he could start a family with, and then I see this picture of him with a blonde that looks older than me! What the fuck is that??? No wonder they got a dog together! She's not what he always wanted! And yes maybe she is a great person a sweet person a good woman, but why journal why didn't he pick me??? I was all the things he ever said he always wanted! Like he literally would describe me in subtle ways, I like brunettes and I love short hair and the way he looked at me! Those few times when I caught him staring! So why the fuck does that woman have the man that I loved for so long??? What is it about me that he couldn't tell me? And yet I have no idea why after all these years I'm asking these questions that will forever go unanswered, and then I don't want to hear from anyone that he had a choice and that he made it... I FUCKING KNOW that! And I'm not happy with his choice! Because his choice should have been ME! mother fucker!!!! ME ME ME!!! and so I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter, yet I'm writing about it because seeing that picture made everything so FUCKING real! and in my FUCKING FACE! And the worst part is that maybe I'm just jealous because I don't have anyone to take that sort of picture with, maybe I'm just jealous that he is in love with someone and I AM NOT! and that I still feel some certain way about him and it fucking pisses me THE FUCK off!
Why journal why is it still any of my concern and why is it that I saw this picture Saturday night and Monday evening I'm still wondering all these fucking things! But I asked him, I begged him so many times! "Pick me! Marry me! Let me make you happy!" (Quote from my best friends wedding) And instead he went and picked Ms. BLAH! Ok so maybe to some people she is beautiful who the fuck knows! But he likes brunettes!!! So why the fuck is he with a blonde???? I'm sorry! I am so angry at myself for feeling this way! And if this journal is anything to be proud of, I'm proud that on here I can be me! I can express exactly how I feel! And if there is some doubt as to whom I'm talking about, I'm talking about Benjamin!
The one Asshole who I loved for too long for no reason at all! The one person I want to see again just to see, the ONLY person that I can't completely just let go of and the one person that makes me want to go and find someone to be in love with just so that finally he can be a distant memory!
I'm so over myself and the fact that seeing that picture made me feel this way!!!! UGH!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I want so badly to scream! I mean he is 8 years younger than I so if I would of seen a pic of him and some really young woman, then I might not be feeling this competitive feeling I have right now! but when the woman in the pic looks even older than me, that sincerely pisses me the FUCK off! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? That's all I could say! I was so angry at I don't know what! I was in shock! Ok so maybe she's a good person and I'm sure she loves him, BUT I am nice too! And I would of made him happy also! Fuck you Benjamin!
Leo Dan - Ay amor divino pronto tienes que volver a mi
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoo99LhmW9k
please note: I wrote this a few days ago when I was feeling EXTREMELY emotional and overwhelmed, however, as of today when this post is actually being published, I am feeling quite dandy! a little stressed due to school work, but emotionally stable! that is ALWAYS a good thing to be!
Dearest Journal -
I remember once when I had this dream that there were prying eyes that looked down on me from the sky, big red shot eyes the color of blood with a dark oval outline that made them look really scary, I felt the heavy stare on me. I think I relate them to the eyes that appear in my all time favorite movie, Bran Stokers Dracula.
Yes, maybe it wasn't a dream journal, maybe it was a memory. I will tell you what else I wish would be a memory, I wish that giving him a thousand kisses would be a memory, yet I could not recall a memory that wasn't recorded because it never happened, and yet I see a picture of him and his love of two years, and I still wonder what the fuck was wrong with me? What about me made him not want me? I'm going to be very mean with my words right now journal so please forgive me, but I think I have the right to be mean and pissed at times! I mean really journal? What the fuck does she have that made him pick her? Like all those years that I was in love with him i had all these theories of why maybe he didn't want to be with me, I kept thinking that maybe he wanted someone younger that he could start a family with, and then I see this picture of him with a blonde that looks older than me! What the fuck is that??? No wonder they got a dog together! She's not what he always wanted! And yes maybe she is a great person a sweet person a good woman, but why journal why didn't he pick me??? I was all the things he ever said he always wanted! Like he literally would describe me in subtle ways, I like brunettes and I love short hair and the way he looked at me! Those few times when I caught him staring! So why the fuck does that woman have the man that I loved for so long??? What is it about me that he couldn't tell me? And yet I have no idea why after all these years I'm asking these questions that will forever go unanswered, and then I don't want to hear from anyone that he had a choice and that he made it... I FUCKING KNOW that! And I'm not happy with his choice! Because his choice should have been ME! mother fucker!!!! ME ME ME!!! and so I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter, yet I'm writing about it because seeing that picture made everything so FUCKING real! and in my FUCKING FACE! And the worst part is that maybe I'm just jealous because I don't have anyone to take that sort of picture with, maybe I'm just jealous that he is in love with someone and I AM NOT! and that I still feel some certain way about him and it fucking pisses me THE FUCK off!
Why journal why is it still any of my concern and why is it that I saw this picture Saturday night and Monday evening I'm still wondering all these fucking things! But I asked him, I begged him so many times! "Pick me! Marry me! Let me make you happy!" (Quote from my best friends wedding) And instead he went and picked Ms. BLAH! Ok so maybe to some people she is beautiful who the fuck knows! But he likes brunettes!!! So why the fuck is he with a blonde???? I'm sorry! I am so angry at myself for feeling this way! And if this journal is anything to be proud of, I'm proud that on here I can be me! I can express exactly how I feel! And if there is some doubt as to whom I'm talking about, I'm talking about Benjamin!
The one Asshole who I loved for too long for no reason at all! The one person I want to see again just to see, the ONLY person that I can't completely just let go of and the one person that makes me want to go and find someone to be in love with just so that finally he can be a distant memory!
I'm so over myself and the fact that seeing that picture made me feel this way!!!! UGH!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I want so badly to scream! I mean he is 8 years younger than I so if I would of seen a pic of him and some really young woman, then I might not be feeling this competitive feeling I have right now! but when the woman in the pic looks even older than me, that sincerely pisses me the FUCK off! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? That's all I could say! I was so angry at I don't know what! I was in shock! Ok so maybe she's a good person and I'm sure she loves him, BUT I am nice too! And I would of made him happy also! Fuck you Benjamin!
Leo Dan - Ay amor divino pronto tienes que volver a mi
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