After we made love, I did as the old spanish lady who lived downstairs from me instructed me too, she said "mija cuando terminen de hacer el amor, tu pones tu piernes en el aire bien altas" which means one’s you two are done making love you put your legs up real high. He obviously wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing, nor did he know that my intention by putting my legs up on the wall after making love, was to become pregnant with his baby. These are old wives tales obviously, you know, the whole putting your legs up situation, but I did it and it worked! At 22, this seemed like the perfect plan to trap the man that I loved.
When I am asked who was my true love, I usually have to think about it. And I don't have an answer for that question, at this point, it has become quite clear to me, that I have never experienced true love for a man, because had I experienced it I would never have to stop and think about who it might have been. However, I do believe I have been in deep love; deep enough to believe that if I had this man's baby, we would be together forever.
Dev, my first deep love. I had just gotten out of school and was walking up west 4th street towards Broadway in the Village of NYC. I was high as hell, I had smoked a blunt (pot) with my homeboys in their car, that day, had I been caught in that car smoking I would of probably been arrested and been telling a different story. Awww! my pot smoking days, how wonderful you were.
As I was walking up the Ave., I see a crowd of guys walking towards me, in my high state, I sucked my teeth and thought, great a bunch of guys, they are going to start trying to talk to me. As I suspected, out from behind a crowd of like 6 dudes, he comes up from behind them all and asks me if I need a boyfriend? clever question/pick up line. Little did he know, that he would become the object of my love to the point of me coming up with a master plan to “trap him” that this girl, who I later found out he had ran from behind his friends to beat one of them to me, would become his baby momma.
Our relationship was one crazy moment after the other, we were both young and in deep love. I loved him so much, that I took his beatings and his insults and thought that all that was ok. It wasn’t, yet this was the man who I wanted to be with forever. I couldn’t imagine my life without him not one single moment. We were together day and night inseparable for 3 years.
9 months after having had my legs up on that wall, I had a beautiful baby boy. All of a sudden, my deep love was no longer as important to me as my first true love. When I first held my true love in my arms, I didn’t even like him. I remember that immediately after I delivered him and he was in my arms Dev asked me if I loved the baby and I responded no. A few hours later after I had been separated from my baby for the doctors to examine mommy and baby to make sure we where ok, I started feeling this immense anxiety and began to scream for the nurse to bring me my baby. The second time he was put in my arms I began to cry, I looked at this little human being who belonged to me who was initially a “master plan to trap a man” and fell in the deepest truest love a human being can imagine. All of a sudden, life had a new meaning to me.
4 months after having my son and realizing that I did not want him to grow up in a home where mommy got punched, I broke up with my deep love and never took him back.
As I look back now and think of that moment when I decided to “trap this man forever” I realize that although I did trap him, because until this day I still see him. I still didn’t “trap him” because we broke up anyway, therefore my trapping tactic was not effective. You CANNOT trap a man or a woman by having a child. Yet I still often hear stories of how a woman will have a man’s baby or a man will try to get a woman pregnant to “keep them.”
If a woman believes that by having a baby, they will always have that man in their life, they are absolutely right, if he loves his child he will ALWAYS be there, but having a child is not a joke and should not be used as the means to keeping someone by your side. Throughout these last 16 years, there have been times that I have thought, shit I wish I never had to see you again.
On New Year’s eve however, right before midnight, I spoke to my baby’s daddy who has become a good friend, someone who knows me and respects me and accepts me. At the end of our conversation, I wished him the best of luck in the up coming year followed by the words I love you! he responded, thank you I love you too. I love him, he is the father of my first of three true loves and a wonderful human being.
On New Year’s eve however, right before midnight, I spoke to my baby’s daddy who has become a good friend, someone who knows me and respects me and accepts me. At the end of our conversation, I wished him the best of luck in the up coming year followed by the words I love you! he responded, thank you I love you too. I love him, he is the father of my first of three true loves and a wonderful human being.
Every man who I have had a serious relationship with after him, has accused me of me still loving him, but I do not, not in that way at least. There is a difference between being in love and loving someone. So yes, maybe I was able to “trap him” sort of, but not for him to be mine forever.
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