SAFE and SOUND......

Dear Journal –

Goodness it’s been so long I feel like, so long since I last came on here to share with you my thoughts.  I promise that I have thought about you and am still always thinking about what to say next.  I want to tell you something that will never make sense to anyone but myself and he, but that It is important enough to me that I want to share.  About a month ago I posted my first ever screen play that I wrote for my creative writing class. http://www.jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2013/08/a-short-screenplay-without-name.html  The screen play was inspired by someone I loved for many many years and who I have written countless blog entries on.  http://www.jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html Anyway, after I wrote it I sent him a message (he doesn’t speak to me still) and I told him that I had written this screen play inspired by him and that if he wanted to, it was on my blog for him to read and I sent him the link (he never responded).  Anyway, to make a long story short, a few weeks later I was looking at his Facebook page, because well for one it’s public and for two, I got used to it and for three, I just felt like it.  Anyway,  I was scrolling down through his stuff, and I noticed that he had written a post on his own blog using the same name I had used in my screen play and when I saw that, tears started to roll down my eyes, because I knew that in his own crazy way, he was telling me that he had read it and that was his acknowledgement! I KNOW, that what I just wrote sounds really crazy! but I also know him well enough to know that he is one of the deepest people I have ever known and that he and I communicated that way for YEARS! and that no one but the two of us will ever understand the love we shared and I say we, because I know he loved me too, in his own crazy way.  Anyway, I am over him now, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t often cross my thoughts, he was so significant to me, it’s hard.  Anyway, I just wanted to put this on here because this is an example of our secret messages, the ones we shared for so long, messages that were only between us, our mental love affair that kept us strangely together for so long.  I wish there was a better way to describe it.

In other Jazzy news, I have hung out with my old friend BK a few times and it sure does feel good to be able to be friends with him in a cool way FINALLY! jeez! we had a very honest conversation and he told me where I stood and I told him I wouldn’t mind kissing him, but that I respect the fact that he sees me as just a friend and that I am ok with that. http://www.jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/02/20-years-to-young-20-years-to-old.html Listen, I am not one to lie, and I did love kissing him, that’s all we did when we were seeing each other three years ago, it was AWESOME! best lips ever! BUT, it is more important to me to have his friendship, than to kiss him.  He said that he did not want to mislead me in any way, but that he does love hanging out with me and why wouldn’t he? We have such magical times when we are together! At first I was hesitant to keep hanging out with him too much, but then I decided that, that would be very selfish of me and that I am a big girl that can handle it, so I decided that we can hang out as often as we can, but NO KISSING! Ugh!

In even more Jazzy news….. AJ is talking to me again! YAY! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html Can I just say that he and I have the most love hate relationship ever in the world! goodness! one minute he will be my friend the next we tell each other off the next we are cool! Anyway, with regards to him, after I met him in person and had a chance to hang out with him briefly, I realized that I wasn’t in love with him the way I had thought I might be, I realized that I just felt this strong connection to him because we had gotten to know one another very well at a certain point, but that maybe it was more me feeling lonely and wanting to love someone that maybe made me feel like I might be in love.  Additionally, I know for a fact that I sort of told myself that “I’m in love with someone” so that I would not allow other people in because I am mortified of relationships and love and that if love that comes into my life isn’t going to be healthy and great, then I don’t want it and I don’t want to allow anyone in who is here to play with my feelings or who doesn’t know what he wants.  If someone is to blind to see how much love I have to offer, then it’s their total loss! And I sort of feel bad for them. So with all of that said, I am pleased to write that for the first time in my life I am not in love with anyone, and that although it feels sort of strange, it also feels really good! It’s like a sense of peace inside, like there is no one person in this world that I think of day and night and that feels AWESOME! It feels safe! no matter where I go, I am free from feeling anything about anyone, yet I love a bunch of awesome people and I feel completely happy!

Lastly, I think it is important to say that there is one man that stays in the back of my thoughts often, someone who I can honestly say I had a lot of things in common with, someone that in the moments we both let our guards down we could be two really cool people with one another. http://www.jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-i-will-start-first-off-by.html He was definitely someone who I could have a conversation about anything with.  I know in my heart, he felt as close to me as I did to him, we could balance each other out almost perfectly, and if we would have ever taken a picture together, it would have been one of those pictures that they use to insert into picture frames so they could sell them, because that's how good we looked next to one another.  I wonder how he is doing now? I truly miss him!

Journal, that last paragraph made me cry! I will leave you with a song.

Capital Cities - Safe and Sound