Innocent until proven guilty! that's what he taught me, that's what he said, and I did not believe him.
When I was in my teens and early 20's, I lived that way, I would meet someone and give them full trust because I wanted that back. Back then, I wasn't aware that I was so trusting, nor was I aware that the reason why I was trusting, was because I wasn't a deceitful person or liar myself. When I was with someone, I would give them my love and trust. However, after my first major relationship, when someone betrayed my trust, it was then that "the dust" as my Practical Philosophy teacher Mary used to call it, began to accumulate in my life. After that, it just got worse and worse and the more heartbreaks I went through, the more dust began to accumulate. Yet I still kept trying to be trusting, because that was just who I was, I trusted people because I wanted them to trust me. After my very last complete heart break, where I felt betrayed and deceived, by someone who I trusted with all my heart and soul Benjamin Nunez http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html I developed such a fear that I felt that I would never EVER trust again!
And then one night, on a website called Tagged, I met him, my AJ. Words cannot describe how awesome I found him to be, he and I could talk on the phone for hours yet it would feel like minutes. No matter how busy I was I would make time to call him and hear his amazing laugh that filled my heart with complete joy. He was my friend, one who would end up stealing my heart and then breaking it and in the process teaching me a valuable lesson. Did I know he would break my heart? I sort of did, I knew that because from the beginning of our friendship I gave him what I wanted back, but without knowing it. I treated him like a suspect, like if he was in some sort of line up and I was the cop watching his every move, trying to figure out if he was out to do I don't know what. Let me be more specific.
From the moment I met him and we starred talking, we began a friendship based on the fact that we had met almost by accident. We had no romantic interest in each other because he lived in another state and was younger then I am and our conversations were never sexual in nature. It was basically two individuals who had a bunch of same ideas about life, religion, spirituality and just many things in general. Often times he would say how much he loved something and I would be like holy shit I love that also and vice versa. We had only sent each other one picture of ourselves and he showed me nothing but respect. He made me feel special with his words and always made sure to check up on me and let me know that he was available. One time my car broke down and although he wasn't around physically, he was ready to go online call whomever he needed to call, do whatever he needed to do in order to help me out. His interest in me was genuine and sincere and had nothing at all to do with sex.
One day to my surprise he said something to me which was in a romantic tone, I was completely taken aback because I never thought he saw me that way. When I asked him if he was coming on to me, he laughed and said he was and after that day when I was sort of confused happy and scared and thought about how cute and awesome he was and after we discussed the fact that he wasn't interested in me romantically initially, but that all of a sudden he had realized he was starting to see me in a different way. I thought about it and realized that I liked him more than just a friend also. We decided that we would begin to talk in a more romantic way and we gave our friendship a name, we said that we would be friends with a romantic interest and that we would be honest to each other and tell each other things and continue to be friends yet both of us knowing that we wanted more. I know that this doesn't make sense, but we both realized that we could not make concrete decisions, without seeing each other first.
After we made this decision, things began to change, and the reason why things began to change was because of my lack of trust. Sometimes when I would argue with him for silly things, he would say to me, Jazzy, please have a little faith in me. I realize now that because of my fear of commitment and intimacy, I would often accuse him or go off on him for absolutely no concrete reason. And I slowly began pushing him away, because I began to feel that anxious nauseous feeling in my stomach and that claustrophobic feeling that I get when I think someone is getting to close (due to my lack of trust).
He kept telling me that he felt so happy having me in his life even if only by phone and txt and I felt happy also. While he and I were talking, I automatically began to feel a sense of loyalty and belonging, he and I still had not ever talked about sex much, yet little by little I felt like I wanted to be with him physically
and only him. Because I had so many male friends on line, I began to tell them that I was seeing someone, and that I did not feel comfortable having certain conversations with them, because I had respect for him. I started to no longer notice men on the streets as much, because although I had never set eyes on him in person, it was only he who I had eyes for.
We had talked about visiting each other and had made all sorts of plans of what our relationship would be like once he and I met and knew for sure that what we were beginning to feel was real. Part of me was so happy about him, that my intentions were to meet him and then blog to the world about how I had met "the one." But the untrusting part of me, wouldn't accept this wonderful person to fully come into my life. I kept almost waiting for him to do something wrong. Yet, I told all my very close friends and mother and even my kids knew about him and the fact that I liked him and how we were going to meet and how awesome he was. My daughter knew his name when she saw his picture and he knew everything that was going on in my life and I knew everything that was going on in his. He was my best friend.
Through out this time my lack of trust began to put a strain on our friendship, I would always tell him that trust needed to be earned and he would argue that everyone was innocent until proven guilty. One day, I woke up feeling that scared feeling and fear of trust and I decided that I couldn't go through with it and I cut him off completely. I told him I could no longer be his friend. I did this because I began to feel so scared about what I was feeling and I kept thinking, omg! what if he just disappears one day and I never hear from him again? I was so scared to rely on him and give him my trust, because I had never seen him, yet throughout the whole time we were talking, my calls were always answered or returned, we talked everyday and there was absolutely no reason for me not to trust him, it was all me, me just not wanting to.
But, I was so scared of the way I felt and my trust issue was so bad, that I created in my mind all sorts of scenarios of how this human being who was probabaly one of the most awesome people I had ever had the pleasure of meeting, was out to hurt me. It was pretty bad. It was really really bad, so bad that I did to him, what I thought he was going to do to me, so one day I told him to disappear from my life, just like that.
After I had completely pushed him away and hurt him, I realized what I had done and how wrong I was. I realized that I had lost someone wonderful because I had never given him the benefit of the doubt, I had judged him based on what someone else had done to me, without even given him a chance to be innocent until proven guilty.
I often refer to the classes I took at The School of Practical Philosophy, because going there really began to help me understand what it is that we do and how it is that we sometimes push people away and how the more negative things in life we experience the less trust we give to new people that come into our lives. It is a vicious cycle that we almost can't control.
So, in an effort to grow as an individual and to grow spiritually, I have to understand that this vicious cycle ends with me, that I can no longer go around not having faith in everyone, just because some people hurt me. I need to realize that every individual is a unique human being and that EVERYONE is not out to hurt me and that if they do, often times it's not even purposely, it's just the way things happen. It is important to realize that sometimes you win and others you loose, but you have to go in with an open mind or not go in at all.
How wonderful would it be to clean that dust off and start fresh? to treat each individual as such and for them to be innocent in my eyes until proven guilty? if only I would of given AJ the benefit of the doubt from the moment we began to develop our friendship with romantic interest, then I might be with him now and I would be writing a post of how happy and in love I was. Instead I treated him like a guilty man. I always had some sort of suspicion for absolutely no reason. I kept creating ideas about who he might be without just continuing to get to know him. I told him to go fuck himself for no reason what's so ever, simply because I was scared.
When I did so, because he knew me already he called me out on what I was doing and told me to go do what I knew how to do best, go Jazzy he said, go and talk to men and be free and do whatever you need to do not to feel committed to anyone go Jazzy, go on and keep not trusting anyone. And then when he was gone, I realized that it was he, who I would of given my freedom up for, but I was to scared because I did not know how to trust in him. Writing this makes me realize how horrible I was to him.
After loosing him, I began to think OMG! what did I do? I began to recall the way I would feel when my ex husband would accuse me of things, when there was no valid reason for an accusation. I kept thinking how I used to always say that I would never again be with anyone who did not trust me. Yet AJ always trusted me, he would always say, Jazzy I believe the things you tell me, why would you lie to me? and then he would say that until I did something to ruin his trust, there was no reason in his mind not to trust me. He was so amazing!
After that experience, and realizing what a horrible person I had been and I decided that I would be the old Jazzy again, the one that used to trust at the beginning. I decided that I was going to clean off all that old dust that I had accumulated and be clean again and start fresh! I used to like myself better that way, I like the old Jazzy way better. When I didn't have trust issues, I was much nicer to people when I first met them, I didn't go around accusing anyone of anything, I just went in with an open mind and allowed myself the opportunity to get to know people without being suspicious. And even if in the end I would end up hurt, it would be because that's just life. I much rather be hurt because someone did something to me that was wrong, then to be hurt because I didn't even give someone a fair chance and pushed them away and hurt them and myself in the process, simply because of my lack of trust!
What if he was my one and now he's gone? I will never know I guess. But I will be damned if I ever make that mistake again, or treat someone that way simply because someone did me wrong. Why should I allow one person's actions ruin me? that is what I have been doing for so long. One person ruined it for the next and for me also, I allowed one person's actions toward me, to mess me up inside and treat people wrong.
I don't mean with this post that we have to be naive and stupid. What I am saying is that it is important to get to know someone, before you begin to make judgments based on little bits and pieces of information. It is important that we always keep the mentality that everyone is innocent until proven guilty. When you are getting to know someone it shouldn't be as if you are trying to uncover some sort of something, but instead it should be like oh, this person is cool let me see what they are like and just be their friend and get to know them with an open mind. If we don't do that, that's when we begin accusing and trying to find things out and look for clues and become private detectives for no reason at all. Who wants to be accused of things without doing anything wrong? I know I don't like that! I am so sorry that I did that to my AJ. I hope that because of me, and the way I treated him, that he won't become what I was, and that whomever is lucky enough to partake in his life, will be innocent to him until proven guilty because he trusted me and I betrayed his trust by pushing him away for no reason at all, other than the fact that I didn't trust in people. I'm sorry!
Please enjoy this beautiful song by Etta James - Trust in me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWFqohtbnUQ
When I was in my teens and early 20's, I lived that way, I would meet someone and give them full trust because I wanted that back. Back then, I wasn't aware that I was so trusting, nor was I aware that the reason why I was trusting, was because I wasn't a deceitful person or liar myself. When I was with someone, I would give them my love and trust. However, after my first major relationship, when someone betrayed my trust, it was then that "the dust" as my Practical Philosophy teacher Mary used to call it, began to accumulate in my life. After that, it just got worse and worse and the more heartbreaks I went through, the more dust began to accumulate. Yet I still kept trying to be trusting, because that was just who I was, I trusted people because I wanted them to trust me. After my very last complete heart break, where I felt betrayed and deceived, by someone who I trusted with all my heart and soul Benjamin Nunez http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html I developed such a fear that I felt that I would never EVER trust again!
And then one night, on a website called Tagged, I met him, my AJ. Words cannot describe how awesome I found him to be, he and I could talk on the phone for hours yet it would feel like minutes. No matter how busy I was I would make time to call him and hear his amazing laugh that filled my heart with complete joy. He was my friend, one who would end up stealing my heart and then breaking it and in the process teaching me a valuable lesson. Did I know he would break my heart? I sort of did, I knew that because from the beginning of our friendship I gave him what I wanted back, but without knowing it. I treated him like a suspect, like if he was in some sort of line up and I was the cop watching his every move, trying to figure out if he was out to do I don't know what. Let me be more specific.
From the moment I met him and we starred talking, we began a friendship based on the fact that we had met almost by accident. We had no romantic interest in each other because he lived in another state and was younger then I am and our conversations were never sexual in nature. It was basically two individuals who had a bunch of same ideas about life, religion, spirituality and just many things in general. Often times he would say how much he loved something and I would be like holy shit I love that also and vice versa. We had only sent each other one picture of ourselves and he showed me nothing but respect. He made me feel special with his words and always made sure to check up on me and let me know that he was available. One time my car broke down and although he wasn't around physically, he was ready to go online call whomever he needed to call, do whatever he needed to do in order to help me out. His interest in me was genuine and sincere and had nothing at all to do with sex.
One day to my surprise he said something to me which was in a romantic tone, I was completely taken aback because I never thought he saw me that way. When I asked him if he was coming on to me, he laughed and said he was and after that day when I was sort of confused happy and scared and thought about how cute and awesome he was and after we discussed the fact that he wasn't interested in me romantically initially, but that all of a sudden he had realized he was starting to see me in a different way. I thought about it and realized that I liked him more than just a friend also. We decided that we would begin to talk in a more romantic way and we gave our friendship a name, we said that we would be friends with a romantic interest and that we would be honest to each other and tell each other things and continue to be friends yet both of us knowing that we wanted more. I know that this doesn't make sense, but we both realized that we could not make concrete decisions, without seeing each other first.
After we made this decision, things began to change, and the reason why things began to change was because of my lack of trust. Sometimes when I would argue with him for silly things, he would say to me, Jazzy, please have a little faith in me. I realize now that because of my fear of commitment and intimacy, I would often accuse him or go off on him for absolutely no concrete reason. And I slowly began pushing him away, because I began to feel that anxious nauseous feeling in my stomach and that claustrophobic feeling that I get when I think someone is getting to close (due to my lack of trust).
He kept telling me that he felt so happy having me in his life even if only by phone and txt and I felt happy also. While he and I were talking, I automatically began to feel a sense of loyalty and belonging, he and I still had not ever talked about sex much, yet little by little I felt like I wanted to be with him physically
and only him. Because I had so many male friends on line, I began to tell them that I was seeing someone, and that I did not feel comfortable having certain conversations with them, because I had respect for him. I started to no longer notice men on the streets as much, because although I had never set eyes on him in person, it was only he who I had eyes for.
We had talked about visiting each other and had made all sorts of plans of what our relationship would be like once he and I met and knew for sure that what we were beginning to feel was real. Part of me was so happy about him, that my intentions were to meet him and then blog to the world about how I had met "the one." But the untrusting part of me, wouldn't accept this wonderful person to fully come into my life. I kept almost waiting for him to do something wrong. Yet, I told all my very close friends and mother and even my kids knew about him and the fact that I liked him and how we were going to meet and how awesome he was. My daughter knew his name when she saw his picture and he knew everything that was going on in my life and I knew everything that was going on in his. He was my best friend.
Through out this time my lack of trust began to put a strain on our friendship, I would always tell him that trust needed to be earned and he would argue that everyone was innocent until proven guilty. One day, I woke up feeling that scared feeling and fear of trust and I decided that I couldn't go through with it and I cut him off completely. I told him I could no longer be his friend. I did this because I began to feel so scared about what I was feeling and I kept thinking, omg! what if he just disappears one day and I never hear from him again? I was so scared to rely on him and give him my trust, because I had never seen him, yet throughout the whole time we were talking, my calls were always answered or returned, we talked everyday and there was absolutely no reason for me not to trust him, it was all me, me just not wanting to.
But, I was so scared of the way I felt and my trust issue was so bad, that I created in my mind all sorts of scenarios of how this human being who was probabaly one of the most awesome people I had ever had the pleasure of meeting, was out to hurt me. It was pretty bad. It was really really bad, so bad that I did to him, what I thought he was going to do to me, so one day I told him to disappear from my life, just like that.
After I had completely pushed him away and hurt him, I realized what I had done and how wrong I was. I realized that I had lost someone wonderful because I had never given him the benefit of the doubt, I had judged him based on what someone else had done to me, without even given him a chance to be innocent until proven guilty.
I often refer to the classes I took at The School of Practical Philosophy, because going there really began to help me understand what it is that we do and how it is that we sometimes push people away and how the more negative things in life we experience the less trust we give to new people that come into our lives. It is a vicious cycle that we almost can't control.
So, in an effort to grow as an individual and to grow spiritually, I have to understand that this vicious cycle ends with me, that I can no longer go around not having faith in everyone, just because some people hurt me. I need to realize that every individual is a unique human being and that EVERYONE is not out to hurt me and that if they do, often times it's not even purposely, it's just the way things happen. It is important to realize that sometimes you win and others you loose, but you have to go in with an open mind or not go in at all.
How wonderful would it be to clean that dust off and start fresh? to treat each individual as such and for them to be innocent in my eyes until proven guilty? if only I would of given AJ the benefit of the doubt from the moment we began to develop our friendship with romantic interest, then I might be with him now and I would be writing a post of how happy and in love I was. Instead I treated him like a guilty man. I always had some sort of suspicion for absolutely no reason. I kept creating ideas about who he might be without just continuing to get to know him. I told him to go fuck himself for no reason what's so ever, simply because I was scared.
When I did so, because he knew me already he called me out on what I was doing and told me to go do what I knew how to do best, go Jazzy he said, go and talk to men and be free and do whatever you need to do not to feel committed to anyone go Jazzy, go on and keep not trusting anyone. And then when he was gone, I realized that it was he, who I would of given my freedom up for, but I was to scared because I did not know how to trust in him. Writing this makes me realize how horrible I was to him.
After loosing him, I began to think OMG! what did I do? I began to recall the way I would feel when my ex husband would accuse me of things, when there was no valid reason for an accusation. I kept thinking how I used to always say that I would never again be with anyone who did not trust me. Yet AJ always trusted me, he would always say, Jazzy I believe the things you tell me, why would you lie to me? and then he would say that until I did something to ruin his trust, there was no reason in his mind not to trust me. He was so amazing!
After that experience, and realizing what a horrible person I had been and I decided that I would be the old Jazzy again, the one that used to trust at the beginning. I decided that I was going to clean off all that old dust that I had accumulated and be clean again and start fresh! I used to like myself better that way, I like the old Jazzy way better. When I didn't have trust issues, I was much nicer to people when I first met them, I didn't go around accusing anyone of anything, I just went in with an open mind and allowed myself the opportunity to get to know people without being suspicious. And even if in the end I would end up hurt, it would be because that's just life. I much rather be hurt because someone did something to me that was wrong, then to be hurt because I didn't even give someone a fair chance and pushed them away and hurt them and myself in the process, simply because of my lack of trust!
What if he was my one and now he's gone? I will never know I guess. But I will be damned if I ever make that mistake again, or treat someone that way simply because someone did me wrong. Why should I allow one person's actions ruin me? that is what I have been doing for so long. One person ruined it for the next and for me also, I allowed one person's actions toward me, to mess me up inside and treat people wrong.
I don't mean with this post that we have to be naive and stupid. What I am saying is that it is important to get to know someone, before you begin to make judgments based on little bits and pieces of information. It is important that we always keep the mentality that everyone is innocent until proven guilty. When you are getting to know someone it shouldn't be as if you are trying to uncover some sort of something, but instead it should be like oh, this person is cool let me see what they are like and just be their friend and get to know them with an open mind. If we don't do that, that's when we begin accusing and trying to find things out and look for clues and become private detectives for no reason at all. Who wants to be accused of things without doing anything wrong? I know I don't like that! I am so sorry that I did that to my AJ. I hope that because of me, and the way I treated him, that he won't become what I was, and that whomever is lucky enough to partake in his life, will be innocent to him until proven guilty because he trusted me and I betrayed his trust by pushing him away for no reason at all, other than the fact that I didn't trust in people. I'm sorry!
Please enjoy this beautiful song by Etta James - Trust in me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWFqohtbnUQ
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