Sunday sadday............

 Dear journal -

Today has been a really really rough emotional day for me.  For some reason, I woke up this morning and I couldn't stop crying, and I've pretty much cried all day long.  I am going to tell you why I cried, but first I want to say that I thought this was supposed to get easier, but today it seemed harder than ever!

Last night I posted a journal from 3  years ago and I called it repeated stories, but then I thought about all the times I wrote throughout the 4 years of my relationship and I know I've said this before, but I only wrote when things were bad.  I never once, wrote a story about any one specific good time that I had with my ex and today I cried and had a rough day because I missed him so desperately, because Sunday's were once upon a time "our day" and this morning as I laid in my bed alone, all of a sudden I was flooded with memories of my love and how many beautiful Sunday's we had shared.  I thought it was worth acknowledging on this my journal, that I wouldn't have given someone 4 years of my life if all I had endured was pain.  We had some beautiful special moments that I will always cherish and I don't think it's fair that I make someone out to be a monster, because Jazzy wouldn't be in love with a monster.

At the end of the day, I got a FB notification that one of the news stations I follow was live on the coast so I got onto the site and there it was, a beautiful amazing sunset over the ocean and my heart felt heavy and I felt so completely heartbroken, because I remembered how many times he and I watched a sunset together and had beautiful moments.  All I could think of was why? why couldn't we be happy? why couldn't we love each other forever like we had promised? why did it end this way?  I've cried so many tears on this journal, so I want to promise that one day if I'm lucky and I meet a wonderful man and by some reason I fall in love again (although I can't even imagine that happening) but if it ever does again, I want to make a point of writing good things, sharing happy moments and not only writing the hurt and pain that I endure, because I promise you journal I've had happy moments in the last 4 years, we just don't remember them when our heart has been broken.  

But today I allowed myself a moment to remember and I specifically remembered that last year, right before Christmas we were fighting and he told me that he was thinking of proposing to me on Christmas day, when he told me that I got really pissed off at him because I had once told him, if you ever want to ask me to marry you, it better not be on some cliché day like everyone else does.  Today as I thought of that, I can honestly say I don't know if he told me that to make me feel shitty and it was a lie, or if he did have intentions of proposing, because he told me so many lies I really don't know what was real and what wasn't, or at least that's how I feel, because again, you only remember the bad.  But all I know is that Christmas is his favorite time of year, but it really isn't mine and the whole time we were together, I would always bitch and moan about it.  

After our argument a few days later I asked him why did he want to propose to me on Christmas and I apologized for getting upset about something that should of made me so happy.  His response was, that he wanted to propose to me on Christmas because he wanted to change my view of Christmas so I could think of it as a very special day moving forward, in other words, he wanted to make Christmas special for me as much as it was for him.  I would of married him 100 times over and over again! I wanted to love him for the rest of my life, so the fact that I'm sitting here writing this post and crying because instead of loving him I have to forget him, is much to much for me to handle.  How will I ever move on journal? I can't take this pain........................

I'll leave you with......... Toni Braxton - Un-Break my heart