SHORT SHITTY STORY!

I haven't been writing as much as I would like to.  This makes me very sad, but I always think about my journal and all the things I wish I had time to write about.  I'm so happy that in a few weeks, it will be a year since I started my journal and I have been loyal to it.  When I started I said that I had waited to start this journal because I wanted to make sure that when I did start, I could stay true to it.  That I sure have.  I feel proud of myself for this.  


Below is a short story if you can even call it that, that I started to write but couldn't quite finish.  It's fiction, I wrote it trying to apply some of the things I learned in the creative writing class that I took over the summer.  I don't know if it's good, but as my writing teacher said, most of what we write is shit!




Jazzy's short fictional story


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She sat on the bench that overlooked the lagoon and all of a sudden, she felt a revelation; it was one from her love, the one that for so long was her inspiration.  He was long gone now, she did not know where he'd gone, the last time she had seen him was in that empty train station.  There, they shared a long passionate kiss full of love.  After their long soft deep kiss, he got on the train, and she never saw him again.  It was as if the crust from the earth had lifted and out of the upper mantle a hand had snatched him up and swallowed him whole! where could he be? Why had he gone? What about that first and last kiss that they had shared didn't he like?

But that day, 3 years later as she was sitting on the bench that overlooked the lagoon, she felt him, she could sense him almost and in her thoughts she spoke to him.....

My love......why do you torment me so? I feel like you are always present, my thoughts of you follow me wherever I go.  I heard that song, the one we spoke about.  Why were you talking to me again? the game is over, I told you you'd won.  As she sat in the bench talking to him in her thoughts, she couldn't help but to think of the scene in that movie the Bran Strokers  Dracula, the scene where the main character is walking down a street and from the sky there are always a pair of big dark pearsing eyes that follow her.  They look down on her with love, and she can almost feel him.  That's how she felt, she felt as though he was always with her no matter where she went and that day she felt him stronger, just there lingering near her, yet she was not sure if he was dead or if this was all just in her mind maybe he was just a made up character of her own maybe she had imagined the kiss in the train station, maybe she wasn't even sitting on a bench.  


But all of it felt so real to her.  She even heard a song once that reminded her of it all and she had cried, and in that moment she knew he still owned her heart.  No matter what anyone else did, it would never hurt her so, because no other could compare.  She had shared her body with many, but her heart belonged to him.  Or maybe, the song reminded her of the love so true she never had, a love that was only in her thoughts and imagination.  The kind of love she had watched un fold in countless movies, the kind that one day would be real in her own life.  A love that would not only be in her imagination, but one that she could touch and share not one, but countless kisses with.  


Why oh why do you haunt me so? she kept thinking.   Maybe he was still alive? maybe he wasn't deep in the earth?  She just sat there blank faced staring out at the water, tears rolling down her face.  All of a sudden she remembered that the only moment she had was that one, and she would no longer waste her moments wondering and thinking of him.  She wiped her tears and began to admire the swans and the birds and the water and the sky.  She smiled, life sure was beautiful.....


I'll be seeing you - By Billie Holiday.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXLB32n6lq8&feature=fvsr

HIS HAT

He came over to my old apartment about a year and a half ago and forgot his hat.  When I found it I just felt like smelling it and it smelled like sweaty hair.  I wondered why the smell didn't bother me but realized that it wouldn't because I was so fond of him.  When I became upset with him I told him that he had left his stupid smelly hat in my house and that I was going to throw that nasty shit away....but of course I did not.  I kept it, I packed it when I moved, I unpacked it in my new apartment and I put it in the drawer with all my other winter hats.


I sometimes get these random text messages on my phone and I always hope that they are from him.  I miss my friend always.  I just want us to make up and be ok and be able to sit at McDonald's like we once did and talk about all the crazy thoughts we both used to have, it was so awesome being part of his life and sex ruined it all.  SEX! it ALWAYS RUINS FRIENDSHIPS! If I could turn back time, I would of never ever ever shared not one kiss with him, only to have his friendship.  


The reason why I'm on here writing this short post is because so many people go in and out of my life, but it is he who I always remember and some people they are just significant in the way they helped me grow.  He was one of those people that did just that, he helped me grow, he reminded me of what friendship and love is supposed to look like.  


I was cleaning my apartment today and I found the hat, actually I wore it the other day, but that day I didn't put to much thought into it.  My mom had taken it out of the drawer and hung it up so that I could see it and wear it, she did not know that the hat had a special story.  I grabbed it the other day and said, I'm going to wear his stupid hat and then thought, God I wish I could take a picture and send it to him.  But today something else happened, I saw the hat again and grabbed it and decided to smell it to see if it still had the funky hair smell and what do you know, it still did.... My eyes watered and I felt really sad..... God I sure do miss my friend.  I hope he is well.


This song is more related to love, but when I was writing this post it came to my mind.... lovely song.


I MISS YOU, BY: Klymaxx


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtuuZ9oL0wY

Dear Journal: 11-26-11

Dear Journal:


If I wrote on here how happy I am about life today I would be completely lying.  I'm not very happy at all, last night my mom went back home and I feel so lost.  God I miss her already, I can't wait until one day I finally figure it all out, except I don't know what I'm supposed to figure out.


Journal, a few years ago someone betrayed my trust so severely, that after that my fear factor is so high, I am starting to notice that this is a bigger problem then I thought.  But how do you begin to trust again? when it is so scary.  I am always honest to everyone that tries to come into my life.  I always tell them exactly what I'm trying to do with my life, where I see it going, what I'm looking for and yet people still think that they can just come into my life and in a short amount of time, gain all of my trust they feel that I'm supposed to just open up and let them in.  That just doesn't work for me, I am not capable of doing such a thing.


I trusted someone so completely once and he turned out to be a fraud a liar and a fake.  How am I supposed to just meet people now and give them the benefit of the doubt when it's so scary? yet this is something that is really really affecting my relationships and I am fully aware that I need to really work on it.  No, I don't need to work on it for people, I need to work on it for me, because i'm not being fair to myself, everyone is not the same and everyone is not out to get me.


So yesterday I stop by the street vendor to get a new cover for my IPhone and I ask him to show me which of the covers are hard cover because I constantly drop my phone.  Anyway, he shows me one that has a leopard print back and I look up at him and say, OH NO.... JAZZY DOESN'T DO LEOPARD! I continued by saying, I am a cougar though but that doesn't mean I have to wear leopard prints.  The vendor tried to keep a straight face but couldn't help but to grin and I just started laughing and made him comfortable enough that he knew I was joking, (not about the leopard print though, JAZZY REALLY DOES NOT DO LEOPARD!) He proceeds to show me other phone covers then I look at him and say, well maybe I should go wild and crazy and get the one with the bling! so now we are both laughing and I proceed to tell him, that I do date younger men so I should dress accordingly and we  laugh even harder.

 The vendor was a 52 year old african american man with dreadlocks.  When he told me his age, I was like, ARE YOU SERIOUS! you look no older then 40 and he told me how he could see why I would attract younger men because I was very young looking myself and we start talking about how I'm on my way to go get a hair cut and we just get into this deep conversation about life and all of a sudden he is showing me a picture of his girlfriend and her short hair cut and then asks me for my opinion on the following..... 


He says Jazz... yes he did say Jazz because by this time we had been talking for like 15 minutes and I had showed him my pictures with my really really short hair and he had told me about when he lived in Japan and I had told him that I've been married 2x and we were just talking about so many things and so he says Jazz, you seem like an intelligent mature woman and I want your opinion.... I am thinking about proposing to my lady friend, but I'm not sure if she is going to say yes, because she has been through so much in the past, I'm afraid she won't want to because of her past experiences, but I love her so much and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her.


I looked at him in awe!! and I said, you know what the problem is, the problem is that as we get older and have all this past baggage, we often allow all that baggage to stay with us and don't allow ourselves the opportunity for a fresh start and no matter how hard we try to leave the past, we are constantly stuck there.  And as the words were coming out of my mouth, I realized that I had hurt someone the night before with my words, I told him I didn't trust him, yet I didn't really know him long enough not to trust him I haven't given him the chance to prove that he isn't lying, I was judging him based on my past experiences.  I just automatically always assume that everyone is out to get me and lie to me the way someone else did.  There it was, right in front of me, the sign, the signs that are everywhere but we are too blind to recognize them.  On a street corner of Broadway in NYC a complete stranger was teaching me a lesson, he was about to propose to a woman that was scared to give her all, because of her past experiences WOW! 


I told him that I had attended the School of Practical Philosophy and how there, I had learned that as we get older we just keep allowing the luggage to get heavier and heavier and that we forget that once upon a time, it wasn't that way.  How can I judge every single person that tries to come into my life, based on someone else's mistakes that he made that hurt me deeply? how is that fair to another person or myself? And then I thought about what I learned in my Psychology class last Wednesday, that we learn by different conditions and if one of the conditions is a hurtful event, then that is the thing we are most likely to fear and stay away from.  We walk around always been afraid due to past experiences and sometimes push away wonderful opportunities because of this.  Here this complete and total stranger is telling me he wants to propose to the woman that he loves, but he thinks she will say no because she's "been through so much" it made me feel so sad, because I bet that she has no idea how much this man truly loves her, she doubts him yet he is completely sure that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.


I looked at him and I said, go and do it! tell her that you love her and want her by your side for the rest of your life, I bet she will say yes! and he looked at me and I could see the sincerity in his eyes when he said, really Jazz, you think so? and I was like I'm sure! and we gave each other a big hug and I wished him well and I told him that I was going to be back to see what happened.  That was so awesome! I left there feeling happy and hopeful and I kept thinking, God I need to learn to trust again.


I wish I could take my own advice, I really do.  I am going to try really hard to be more trusting again, I was so trusting once upon a time and I liked myself better then.  I am going to make an effort to really just let go of the fear that I always have when I start talking to someone new.  I am going to allow everyone the benefit of the doubt and hope that they are not out to get me, because if they are out to get me, they probably just want to get me... Like have me and make me happy or make me happier in my already happy life.  I am pretty happy for the most part, even if some nights I cry myself to sleep if I do so, it's because of a situation, not because I'm unhappy.  I can honestly say that I am happy with the way my life is looking, I feel good about life in general and I just need to allow myself and others, the opportunity to be innocent until proven guilty....

Nickelback - Someday [HD]

What I've learned about Jazzy

WOW! imagine being 40 years old and not being able to identify what your favorite genre of music is? yeah I know! that's weird! but, in my case it's really true.  For the last 4 years of my life, I have been trying to figure it out and I think I can finally answer the question....... The answer is, I DON'T KNOW!


I LOVE MUSIC all of it, the other day I went to a concerto at my school, I cried during the first piece which was an overture that was written for an opera that was meant to be a comedic opera but it also had to do with love, OF COURSE! Anyway, I was so deeply touched by the piece that I could hardly contain my tears, it was awesome! The thing about classical music is, that it's like art, you have to really listen and appreciate it, and when you know the history behind it all, it's just so awesome! 


I have to say that I am so glad that I am in school and finally getting to learn all about the things I have always wanted to learn about.   Everyday it's something new and exciting to me.  Sometimes I get frustrated and stressed out, but then others, like yesterday when I described a painting to my music professor in such a way that I myself was impressed with what I said, I couldn't believe that in the last 3 years I had actually learned something.  


Sometimes I will remember random things that I thought I forgot and I always smile, because for the last few years I have crammed up so much information in my mind, that I quite honestly feel like I know nothing at all.  Yet when I answer a question one of my professors is posing in such a way that my response pleases him and he looks at me and confirms to me by his head shake that I in fact am correct and that my answer makes full sense, especially about something that is not related to the subject of study.  I have to admit that it is in those moments, all my sacrifice and my tears feel like it is all worth it and that should I have to do it again, I would.  My description of the painting was so precise and well critiqued in fact, that one guy even looked back at me like.... Holy shit, that was pretty good! so I smiled.  


This post was not at all intended for me to brag about the fact that I remember a thing or two about my art class which was one of my favorites.  Actually, this post was intended for me to write about the fact that I have learned one or two things about myself in the last few years of being single and becoming familiar with myself.  I have said countless amount of times on my blog that all of my life I have jumped from relationship to relationship since I was 16 and how I never really knew who I was until now.  I didn't even know what my favorite type of music was.  


I was actually going to write about the fact that for the last year and a half, I have been listening on my IPhone, to a bunch of reggaeton music that my son had downloaded on my mac and how I don't love it to death, but how there is one song that I have really come to love and how I am going to translate it for anyone who isn't lucky enough to know my beautiful Spanish language but would love to know what this song says.  I really need to write more often, I always start out with one thought and go on a tangent about something completely different.  


My apologies reader, as I am just all over the place in terms of my thoughts today and usually when I write I just write, without some sort of outline in place.  I think of what I want to say and just sort of blur it out or write it.  But, this is my blog and I will go on a tangent if I want to.  


Anyway, without further a do.  Below is the translation to one of, if not my favorite reggaeton song on my IPhone.  Thank you son, without you, I would have absolutely no music on my phone, since I NEVER have the time to actually download anything... (insert sad face here) so, I pretty much don't have any songs I actually want to have on my IPhone and have no choice but to listen to my sons favorite music.... It's cool though, he's my baby!



TRANSLATION TO:


POR AMAR A SIEGAS - FOR BEING BLINDLY IN LOVE
BY: Arcangel


I asked a pastor about love and he told me to leave it up to God, not to feel lonely, that being alone was better then living with an illusion.


I asked an artist about love at first site and he told me that it was a big mistake, that it was for soap opera lovers and dreamers that in life one has to be more realistic.


And now that I don't have you, I think of all the time I wasted....wasted on you, why by loving you blindly I did not listen, and I threw myself at the precipice, all for love, everyone told me everyone warned me, that there are some flowers that have thorns.


I asked a man about love and he told me that to ignore it was best.  That I was young and that money should be more important then a thousand loves.


I asked an old man, far out in the boulevard about love and passions he said "my son, it's a double edged crystal and it cuts and hangs you from one string"


And now that I don't have you, I think of all the time I wasted....wasted on you, why by loving you blindly, I did not listen, and I threw myself at the precipice all for love, everyone told me everyone warned me, that there are some flowers that have thorns.


I asked my father about love and innocence and faith and patience and you know what he told me? "son it's always better to ignore your heart, listen to your conscience."


I asked my mother about the love I had for you and she said they were fantasies, that if I didn't believe it, with time I would learn that she was right.


And now that I don't have you, I think of all the time I wasted....wasted on you, why by loving you blindly, I did not listen, and I threw myself at the precipice all for love, everyone told me everyone warned me, that there are some flowers that have thorns....


........................................................................................................
Well, there you have it... Hope you enjoyed my translation, I really enjoy translating stuff I hate when google does it, it makes it all crazy and out of whack! I just want to add, BEWARE of who you give your beautiful love too, Love is the most amazing thing in the world! However, NOT EVERYONE DESERVES IT. 


You can enjoy the actual song by clicking on the link below.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ss89QBh6Vk

Dear Journal: November 13, 2011

OMG Journal, today was so funny! My professor let us out an hour early from class because the clock on the wall still had last weeks time.  The thing is, that when he said ok let's take the quiz so we can go, the quiz that we have every week at the end of the class, I looked at my phone and noticed the time and said to someone, what is he talking about and he looked at me and said, don't worry don't say anything.  I felt bad but I didn't want to be the class big mouth! It's funny that even as an adult in a classroom, there are still do's and don'ts like imagine I had raised my hand and told the Professor that he was wrong, everyone would of probably been annoyed at me.  After we walked out, some of the girls from the class had a whole bathroom discussion about it and we all agreed that it was better to keep our mouth shut! still, I left there feeling bad like I had done something wrong.  I felt better after I saw some other class mates and they mentioned that when almost everyone had gone, someone did in fact bring it to his attention, he said it was ok.  My poor Professor! he's really a cool man, I like him but this class is just so annoying with the pressure of the quiz every weekend.  UGH!


In other Jazzy news, I was on my way to class this morning talking to myself as I usually do in my car all alone hoping that I'm not like actually moving my lips and making facial gestures so that the cars that are near me don't think I am a complete loony bin! and as I was talking to myself, I kept telling myself that I CAN do this, because quite honestly as I told someone last night, sometimes I just want to QUIT! especially when I am in the mood for I don't know, doing something other then worrying about school work.


I often think of life and think to myself, GOD I wish I could of done it the other way around.  But I have to say that there is a reason for everyone's being and we all have a purpose and so maybe my purpose is to be an example to the young people that constantly want to be my friends or partake in my life in some way shape or form.  I always tell my young friends that.... THEY CAN DO IT! and how it is so important that they do so when they have the opportunity.  Yes, at 20 I was practically a drunk looser who had no life no future nothing going for her, my life could of been even worse.  I had absolutely no guidance, but now that I am older and a bit wiser, I realize how lucky I am that I live in a country where even at 40, I can make a positive difference in my life with just a little more determination.  How even at 40 I can educate myself and grow as a woman and human being.  I am so very lucky for all the wonderful things that I have.  So as I was talking to myself in my car I kept saying to myself, Jazz, one day you will look back at this car ride or at the fact that I am in school on Sunday's and I will think..... WOW! I remember when I used to have to go to school on Sunday's and how much I hated it.


I want to thank my wonderful friend E, for being so encouraging this last past week when I was really down feeling like just throwing the towel.  I realize now that real friends are those who recognize our efforts and grab our hands when we feel like we are drowning and no one wants to pull us out the water.  I don't even ever hang out with him, but he has seen me struggling from the first class I ever took when I would look at him during class and look confused and he would tell me after class that I could do it! He ALWAYS knows what to say to me when I am feeling down.  I don't even see him and all I need to do is send him a txt message expressing my sadness about my academic career and there he is, ready to say something encouraging.  HE'S SO AWESOME! 


Apart from that, life is good, lately, I have made a lot of new friends that are really just awesome! I want to talk about something else that is going on in my life that I am really happy about, but I don't want to ruin the wonderful magic about it, so I will keep this one to myself and write about it privately.  Hopefully, I can write about it publicly one day.  I will give you a hint though journal, it has to do with amazing people......


Ok, gonna go now and try to do some studying......... Good night journal.....


ps. I miss writing to you, because I know that you wait to know what happens next.......

Till death do us part or for your green card!

I once described my last marriage to someone, as a combination of the movie green card and fools rush in.  I wasn’t exaggerating either.  I have been married twice in my life, but when I think about other people’s marriages and compare them to mine, I don’t only feel depressed about it, I also feel annoyed that I didn’t get big bucks for doing having been married.

Most of us have heard the story of how most immigrants have gotten their green card by marrying someone for money, although marrying for money is illegal it is a fact and many have done it.  But, this post is not about how I didn’t commit a crime, it’s more about how pathetic I am and how I cried about the man that I really loved on the day of my first wedding day.  And how I married both times to provide a service which was helping both individuals with green cards and how I didn’t get paid for it.

I can’t even remember it well, all I know, is that I was with my re-bound and he seemed like a really good guy that would be a good step dad to my son.  My thought 16yrs ago was, that if I married someone while my oldest son was still a baby, then my son would have the opportunity to grow up with a male role model that would love him and raise him.  I remember that after my son’s dad and I broke up, I was desperate to find someone, because I wanted to find my son a “baby daddy” I know, crazy! right? so here came this guy, who my cousin suggested I date because “he’s so cool and has a car” and me not knowing any better at the age of 24 just jumped into this marriage.  

The day of my city hall wedding is a big blur to me, I only remember that I was wearing the ugliest pink suit and I bought some fake flowers outside of the court house.  But one thing that I can still feel as I write this, is the sadness I felt, when my then soon to be husband walked out of the car to go to the grocery store to buy batteries for our cheesy camera.  The moment he walked out of the car, I looked over at my best friend and broke down in tears.  She knew in that moment exactly why I was crying, I told her that I always thought I would marry him, my son’s dad.  She told me to get myself together because my future husband was walking back to the car.  The rest of the day is a blur to me, I remember the judge saying I pronounce you husband and wife and us leaving the place and going home.

I married him, because he needed a green card and I needed a baby daddy for my son.  My relationship didn’t last very long after that and to write about it would take me all night.  But I can honestly say that I had an adventure like no other with him.  He passed away about a year after we were divorced, he never got his green card and I never told him or anyone that I cried on my wedding day.  The only one that knew, was my friend, and now...... You.

Dear Journal - Nov. 3

Dear Journal:


I will make this really really quick.  I am tired and have to go to bed but I must share some great news.  No it isn't about how great I am doing in school because I am not and this makes me very sad.  I'm not doing well, not because I don't try, but because I am doing something wrong.  So, yesterday when I got my Psychology test results back and wanted to cry, I waited for class to end so I could talk to my Professor, who is AMAZING! I told him that I felt really bad because I had let him down.  He told me that he did not feel that way and that he wanted to know what was going on with me, because he knew that I can do better.  


I told him that I do study but that I feel like nothing stays in my brain and that I am really concerned about it.  So what does my awesome professor do? he sits down with me and starts to help me figure out what it is that I am doing wrong in terms of studying.   He made me realize one thing that I know for a fact and that was that I didn't trust.  


  
Trust, this is such a big issue in my life.  He told me that he wasn't out to get his students and that if I had trusted the information he told me to study instead of trying to memorize the entire text book, then I would of gotten a better grade on my test.  He genuinely cares for me as his student and this means a great deal to me.  He stood in class with me until 10:00 pm trying to analyze what my problem was! HE IS SOOOO AWESOME! He seriously looks just like Albert Einstein and is just as brilliant! I love and admire my wonderful professor who I will make proud with my next test.


But something even greater happened today that made me really, really happy.  I spoke to this wonderful guy who is to me just amazing! Why is he amazing? well, because although he has to struggle and go through hardships, he doesn't give up on his goals.  He is not a quitter and that is pretty damn awesome in my book! he is my hero and I am so extremely proud of him! I don't know if he ever reads my blogs.  I have written about him many times but I never told him I did.  I even wrote a poem for him once.  This time, I am going to send him this link because I don't care that he knows I write about him. 


Anyhow, I want the world and him to know, that I BELIEVE IN YOU! And you will go really far in life because I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT! Don't give up! YOU ARE A WINNER IN MY BOOK!


Good night Journal...... 

Journal Entry - 10-27-11

Dear Journal:

I think of you every day because I miss writing so much! I have been swamped with school work and feel that, that is all I do.  School, school, school! So much has happened in my life this last past week that I simply felt that I must absolutely share, it’s so weird, because I don’t really have a social life, yet there are all these developments to my personal life, it’s sort of weird when you try to make sense of it in a logical way.

On Tuesday night as I was walking to my car after getting out of class.  I felt really sad and I began to cry as I thought about my fear of love.  I started thinking about all the nice people that try to get close to me and how I never believe anyone and how I don't trust.  I felt really sad that I have lost that sense of giving anyone a chance, based on the things that others have done to me.  I was also crying because I kept thinking about how hard it is sometimes for me.  How sometimes I just want to give up my dream and fail.  I kept thinking of how I have no sort of social life at all and all I do is kids, school, work and how sometimes I feel like what I'm learning is not sticking in my brain, like I dont' really know anything! yet other times, I will catch myself talking about something I have learned in the last 3 years since I have been attending college.  


I cried really hard in the dark as I walked unaware of my surroundings.  Not even the the chilly wind that hit my face and made my tears feel cold bothered me.  I just got lost in my sorrow and let it all out, it felt really good.  Then, once I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I began to ask myself questions, the first thing I asked myself was, what are you doing Jazzy? and my answer was, I am getting the degree that I have been wanting for 10 years.  Most days, I feel ok with this decision, but somedays it is really really hard.  On those day, when I get home and see them, my three true loves all of a sudden it all makes sense in my mind.  I want this for me as much as I want it for them. 

One of my kids told me the other day that I never pay attention to him.  This truly broke my heart.  I try to be mindful and make time for each of them individually, but sometimes, I feel like I am being pulled in 3 very different directions and it is difficult to give them each my undivided attention at all times.  When he told me this, I had to sit and explain to him that I did not mean to not pay attention to him, and that I was really sorry.  And then I asked him, what it was that he always saw me doing? and he replied that he would see me doing my HW and then I asked him why did I do my HW? and he said because I wanted to do well in school.  Then I asked, why do I want to do well? and he said, for them.  I then explained to him that I missed him and that he could always interupt me and talk to me, because he was my number one priority.  


Being a mother is such a tough job sometimes.  I feel like no matter how much I try to do this job well, it is never good enough.  However, it is important to me that my children understand that I am here and that they can talk to me and tell me how they feel.  It is important to constantly communicate with them and try to be involved in everything about them.  However, sometimes I know that I slack and that I need to step up to the plate even more.  I HAVE to make the time, no matter what it takes.  Sometimes in life we don't realize how much we are missing out, until it is pointed out to us.  I run around like a crazy person half of the time, and sometimes I have to stop and ask myself Jazzy what are you doing? in order to put everything into perspective.

Yesterday I took a test and felt really happy about it.  I have studied so very hard that I actually remembered stuff! I get really nervous and blank out during tests, so I am working on developing some new ways of overcoming this fear that screws me up severely.  My Professor who I absolutely love, could tell I was nervous, but he looked at me and told me to just the the best I could.  I absolutely love that guy..... Oh, I already said that!

Tuesday was an eventful day indeed, I had a headache all day long and wasn’t feeling too well, but I had a test so I had to go in to school.  Anyway, I’m getting a coffee in the McDonald’s near my school and I start thinking about BK my lovely friend who I miss dearly.  I have written about him numerous times on my journal, because he was someone significant to me....  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/05/dear-bk.html So I’m standing on line, thinking about how he and I would sit at that McDonald’s, discuss life and laugh like crazy.  And all of a sudden I felt really sad about the fact that he no longer speaks to me and I have absolutely no explanation for it.  He just decided he did not want to be my friend anymore and after him walking away from me and ignoring me when I tried talking to him the last time I saw him, I decided that day, that he was dead to me.  However, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t cross my thoughts some days, and that I don’t always mentally wish him well and hope he is happy. 

So I am standing there waiting on the line, and that song walk on by comes on the radio.  I had not heard that song in years and I really like it, so I start to sing it and think about what would I do if I saw him again.  As I am signing the song I am thinking, well, the most loving thing for me to do for myself and to respect his wishes of not wanting to be my friend anymore is to just walk on by.  A few minutes later when the song is over and I am finally done making my purchase and am walking into my school campus still thinking about the song and my friend the next thing I know, there he is!……… MY BK!

When I initially spotted him, I was really far away, so my first thought was, HOLLY SHIT! that looks just like him!! but I couldn’t really make out his face so I wasn’t really sure. HELLO!!! I’M 40 NOW! I’m practically blind! So I’m squinting my eyes and thinking to myself, is it him??? And I’m like no, that’s not him, I’m delusional because of my little episode in McDonald’s and the song and what not.  Besides, that guy is too short.  I keep getting closer to this guy, but the guy is looking down reading a book as he is walking, so I’m still not sure if it's him, but then, I get close enough to see that in fact, it is my BK (insert sad face here).   As he is walking passed me, I am looking dead at him, but he is oblivious that I am even passing him, I knew that he wasn’t doing the reading thing on purpose, because since I initially caught sight of him we were too far for him to recognize me and he was already reading the book, the whole time as he was walking he was always looking down reading the book.  I am pretty sure he wasn’t doing the reading thing intentionally. 

As he passed by me, I felt like I didn’t know what to do, but decided that I needed to do the most loving thing that I could for the both of us, so, I walked on by.   After he passed me, I even stopped, turned around and continued to watch him read his book as he exited the school campus.  He never noticed he had just passed me.  My lovely ex friend how much I miss us! There he was, someone I had gotten to know in a very very close way and I had to pass by him as if he was a stranger.  My friend BK, that exactly a year ago, he and I would walk through the same campus joking around and enjoying each other’s company.  It was a really a sad moment, yet I knew, that I did the right thing.  I walked on by, and did not disturb my old friend who I love.  I never understand why, but little by little, I'm learning to accept that sometimes it has to be that way.


Luckily, two minutes after seeing him, I bumped into another old class mate that I had not seen since last year and he completely took me out of my moment.  I have to say I was really happy to see him and catch up with him.  Thank God I saw him or I would of kept dwelling for lord knows how many more minutes about the events that had just happened!

Journal, I am in a bit of a dilemma with myself right now and am not quite sure what to do.  I decided a few months ago, that I was going to listen to a friend who said to me once, Jazzy, your problem is that you get stuck on people that you feel any sort of romantic interest in, and instead of keeping it moving, you stay there waiting for things to happen, fuck them! instead of doing that, just keep it moving.  Well, this of course is way easier said then done.  First, it is really hard for me to like someone.  Second, I’m very picky as to who I talk to.  Third, I never find anyone that I feel sexually attracted too and last, I’m sort of hum bug about the whole relationship intimate thing so I sort of do things to turn people off and push them away.  Yes, it is true I already did some self assessment and self analysis and have come to the clear conclusion that after having gone through so much heart ache in my life I have completely shut down.  


I’m afraid of committing to someone and don’t want to be bothered.  Still, I do try to date every now and then and every now and then I will start to like someone and then I act crazy and push them away.  Additionally, I sort of know what I’m looking for, so when the person I am seeing doesn’t quite fit what I want, I just sort of go with the flow knowing all to well that it’s not going to go anywhere.  I also have absolutely no time to spend with anyone, so I also think to myself that it isn’t fair for me to try to be with someone when I know for a fact, I can’t physically spend time with this person.  Yes, it’s hard! I feel lonely sometimes, but every night when I go to sleep I feel happy and feel that I am doing what’s best for me.  It’s all worth it!

Every time I stop talking to someone, I give myself a few months to heal from it, I like to take a break from dating and meeting people and I just get really focused on myself.  However, EVERY SINGLE TIME I’m on this mode, someone comes into my life and does something to take me out of it.  Explanation, I met someone really really nice that I thought of as just a friend and we have been talking every day.  Well, here I am thinking of him as just some really cool awesome guy who I happen to think is extremely cute but I’m just thinking of him in a platonic way.   On Tuesday however, he tells me he really really likes me in a romantic way.  At first I was so taken a back, I had to tell him I couldn’t talk to him for the rest of the day, but after it dawned on me and I thought about it, I thought WOW! I CAN’T BELIEVE HE LIKES ME!

I thought about what my friend told me, that I needed to keep it moving, so I decide to talk about it with this guy.  We talked about it and decided that we are going to continue as friends and see where the road leads us, but I am really excited that I am actually giving myself a chance to get to know this person and that I am not staying stuck on stupid and am keeping it moving.  It’s a whole new way of me looking at things.  And I am really loving that him and I can talk about anything.   It’s just so awesome! Just comes to show that if I keep it moving, then I really will keep meeting people that will blow my mind from time to time!

I read in a book once, that we are all able to write our own love story.  I have decided that I want to write mine, literally.  My dilemma is that I don't know, if when I begin seeing someone and think they have potential, if I should let the person know that I'm writing about us? this particular person who I am currently getting to know, know's about my blog, but I have never told him where he can find it.  We haven't really talked about it.  I kind of don’t want him to read it yet either.  But, I don’t know if it is fair to him or anyone that I end up writing my love story about wether it be now or 10 years from now, that I am in fact writing it and he is non the wiser. 


Obviously, I am not going to put everything on here about what happens between us, I am going to write a separate journal of events and I will post them only when and if things happen between us in a serious way, but my dilemma is, that whom ever it happens with, should I be writing about it and him not knowing? I don’t know if writing my love story is something that I want to share with the person while I’m writing it, or after we have said those beautiful words……..What if this person has no idea that I am writing all these things about us and then I tell him and he gets upset that I am putting our private life on the world wide web? When do you tell someone, hey, by the way, I'm writing my love story and just wanted to let you know that I am, ok? Oh and by the way, it's on my live journal on the internet. 

What if in his mind, it isn't really a love story and I am anticipating things without knowing where his thoughts about us are? You see my dilemma??? Anyway, this is me just thinking out loud, I don’t know who it will be, but I think I prefer for now, to keep to myself the whole I’m writing my love story thing.  I will journal everything privately though and I hope that one day, I will be able to share my love story on my journal.

I think it is pretty cool, that I have this live journal going and that even when I am not journaling, people are still reading my stuff.  WOW! if only I could dedicate more time to you my beautiful journal.... But I cannot for now! Still, please know that you are always on my mind.  I am always mentally writing what I want to share with you, I am always thinking of what to write next.  Journal, I'm really really happy! things are good all in all.  I thank God every single day of my life, for all the wonderful blessings that he brings to my life.  Yes, it is hard and sometimes I cry, but it is also called life and I struggle just like everyone else in this world does.  The difference between them and I is, that I have you to share my thoughts with, but there are others that cry and don't have anyone to share that with.  I hope that if anyone comes across this my beautiful live journal, and they have felt like giving up sometimes and they have cried on a lonely street or felt like they can't take it anymore.  That by reading you, they will feel better to know that it doesn't only happen to them, and that they are pretty ok off.  Feeling all these things,  just means they are alive and they are feeling the things we all do...... It is OK! 


Enjoy the song..... Walk on by: Sybil.....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DL8jmpUxMI

DEAR JOURNAL - 10-21-11

Dear Journal:        

God I have missed you much! I am afraid that I have been neglecting you because the truth is, I have been feeling a bit I guess, out of it for a lack of a better word.  Not emotionally though, in that respect, I have been feeling very cheerful and pretty happy.  But I don’t know, I feel like I’m not inspired lately, like something is missing and I don’t know what it is.  I can’t stop thinking about moving out of New York yet I know that that is not feasible for a while, so I need to get back to the present time and not allow myself to be in the future as much as I have been lately.  I’m not sure why this is, but I almost feel like I’m trying to rush time, when in reality, this is the only moment I have.

I have been spending a lot of time trying to focus on my classes lately, I feel very driven and focused in that area of my life, this makes me really happy! I am really nervous about my midterms next week, I am afraid, because one of my professors really LOVES me, like seriously that man loves me and everyone in the class knows it.  But when I say love, I don’t mean it in the romantic sense of the word, I mean it in the sense that I think he knows that I truly enjoy his class and always ask questions and try to be actively involved in his discussions.  This is of course because it’s my Psychology class which I COMPLETELY LOVE! Now, the thing about him loving me is, that I also feel that he will probably have high expectations for me in terms of my grade for the test and this is where I am freaking out.  I study and read and do everything I am supposed to do for all of my classes, but sometimes I feel dumb like it just doesn’t stick in my brain.  In addition, whenever I take a test, here is what happens, I get this anxious feeling in my stomach, I feel like I can’t breath and I feel like throwing up.  It’s sort of the same feeling I get when I like someone a lot, but with the test taking feeling there is an added thing to it, which is that I blank out completely and can’t remember anything! It’s really really scary.

I am a visual and interactive learner, so what I try to do is when I’m taking a test and that feeling comes over me, I start to take deep breaths and imagine the page that I was studying and then I see the images or words that I studied and that’s how everything starts coming back to me.  I hope to do really well with my midterm, I want to make this specific Professor proud of me! I really admire him and am thinking of asking him to become my mentor.  He is a brilliant Psychologist and I want to pick his brain and learn from him.  I would love for him to guide me in terms of where to go with my education.  He is simply awesome! On Wednesday I got to class a bit late and when I got there, this girl told me that the first thing he said was where is (Jazzy) he didn’t really say “Jazzy” he used my last name, but he meant me that’s how he calls me, he calls me by my last name.  Anyway, I love him because I know that he respects me as a student and I think he sees in me potential, he can tell that I take his class very serious and that I love it.  So needless to say, he is very fond of me, but I don’t think he would use that fondness to give me a good grade if I didn’t work hard for it or if I didn’t earn it, nor would I want to get a grade that I didn’t earn.  So, I’m stressing!

Other then that, I have met some really awesome new friends in the new social network site that I am on.  I am having a lot of fun with it and everyday it is more and more clear to me, that there are hundreds upon thousands of men and women out there and that if one doesn’t work out, you should give yourself a chance to meet some other wonderful individuals.  I believe that this is not only true with romantic relationships, but with friendships as well.  I’m not seeing anyone or dating anyone, I can’t even remember when the last time I kissed a man was, but I am most certainly learning a lot of things about people and myself, by giving individuals a chance to come near me.

I KNOW, I’M REALLY WEIRD! WHAT ELSE CAN I SAY!

Antonio Vivaldi

Vivaldi's music, was lost for centuries.  It wasn't until the 1950's that he's music revived.  I'm glad they found his music again, because thanks to that, I am able to experience the feeling I do, when I listen to this lovely music!


This time period, is my favorite time period.  Maybe I was a peasant in that time, or maybe....... I was royalty! oh my!




Antonio Vivaldi - Winter, Maki Itoi & Vienna Philharmonic