Dear Journal:
God I have missed you much! I am afraid that I have been neglecting you because the truth is, I have been feeling a bit I guess, out of it for a lack of a better word. Not emotionally though, in that respect, I have been feeling very cheerful and pretty happy. But I don’t know, I feel like I’m not inspired lately, like something is missing and I don’t know what it is. I can’t stop thinking about moving out of New York yet I know that that is not feasible for a while, so I need to get back to the present time and not allow myself to be in the future as much as I have been lately. I’m not sure why this is, but I almost feel like I’m trying to rush time, when in reality, this is the only moment I have.
I have been spending a lot of time trying to focus on my classes lately, I feel very driven and focused in that area of my life, this makes me really happy! I am really nervous about my midterms next week, I am afraid, because one of my professors really LOVES me, like seriously that man loves me and everyone in the class knows it. But when I say love, I don’t mean it in the romantic sense of the word, I mean it in the sense that I think he knows that I truly enjoy his class and always ask questions and try to be actively involved in his discussions. This is of course because it’s my Psychology class which I COMPLETELY LOVE! Now, the thing about him loving me is, that I also feel that he will probably have high expectations for me in terms of my grade for the test and this is where I am freaking out. I study and read and do everything I am supposed to do for all of my classes, but sometimes I feel dumb like it just doesn’t stick in my brain. In addition, whenever I take a test, here is what happens, I get this anxious feeling in my stomach, I feel like I can’t breath and I feel like throwing up. It’s sort of the same feeling I get when I like someone a lot, but with the test taking feeling there is an added thing to it, which is that I blank out completely and can’t remember anything! It’s really really scary.
I am a visual and interactive learner, so what I try to do is when I’m taking a test and that feeling comes over me, I start to take deep breaths and imagine the page that I was studying and then I see the images or words that I studied and that’s how everything starts coming back to me. I hope to do really well with my midterm, I want to make this specific Professor proud of me! I really admire him and am thinking of asking him to become my mentor. He is a brilliant Psychologist and I want to pick his brain and learn from him. I would love for him to guide me in terms of where to go with my education. He is simply awesome! On Wednesday I got to class a bit late and when I got there, this girl told me that the first thing he said was where is (Jazzy) he didn’t really say “Jazzy” he used my last name, but he meant me that’s how he calls me, he calls me by my last name. Anyway, I love him because I know that he respects me as a student and I think he sees in me potential, he can tell that I take his class very serious and that I love it. So needless to say, he is very fond of me, but I don’t think he would use that fondness to give me a good grade if I didn’t work hard for it or if I didn’t earn it, nor would I want to get a grade that I didn’t earn. So, I’m stressing!
Other then that, I have met some really awesome new friends in the new social network site that I am on. I am having a lot of fun with it and everyday it is more and more clear to me, that there are hundreds upon thousands of men and women out there and that if one doesn’t work out, you should give yourself a chance to meet some other wonderful individuals. I believe that this is not only true with romantic relationships, but with friendships as well. I’m not seeing anyone or dating anyone, I can’t even remember when the last time I kissed a man was, but I am most certainly learning a lot of things about people and myself, by giving individuals a chance to come near me.
I KNOW, I’M REALLY WEIRD! WHAT ELSE CAN I SAY!
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