My Ghost of Christmas Past

12 Years ago today, I was visiting my family in Colombia for Christmas.  I have a horrible memory due to my condition (oldwomanitis) however there are certain things in life that for whatever reason, we remember them vividly in our minds.  I remember that night as clear as if I was living it right this moment.

It was Christmas Eve, but unlike the American tradition where family gathers together to have a quiet dinner eggnog and pies, I was in Colombia so it was anything but quiet.  In my beautiful city of Pereira, the celebration has already started, like literally while I’m writing this.  But first things first the death of the poor little pig.  The poor pig gets killed in front of a bunch of people (usually a stab in the heart) then cut up and cooked in the street! (brutal I know) but to our defense it is done in the spirit of celebrating the birth of Jesus (or so they say) and therefore it is ok to kill the poor little thing.  But that is not all that happens, EVERYONE is extremely happy on this day in Colombia the neighbors that most of the year spend their time talking about one another, are actually friendly on Christmas Eve and everyone is smiling, wearing their brand new gear and on the hands of every other guy there is a bottle of AGUARDIENTE! Our liquor of choice.

So here I was, at my aunt’s house freshly off the plane wearing my black new outfit feeling good because It had been 4 years since I had last seen my family, we are all partying, eating fried pork chops and all of a sudden in walks the cutest thing I had seen in a really long time.  The very first thing I noticed was his beautiful green eyes.  I immediately asked my aunt who that cute boy was (he was literally a boy, well a teen) She told me that he was my cousins best friend, I will call him Francis.  As the days progressed I got to know Francis but didn't really care about anything other then the fact that his eyes mezmorized me, one thing led to another and the next thing I knew, I was rolling around a bed with the (teen) I had met on Christmas Eve.  It was probably one of if not the best romance I ever experienced.

When I returned to the US after being there for a little over a month, to my surprise, I discovered that I was pregnant with Francis’ baby.  I later married him and also have his daughter.  The reason why I am writing about this, is because last night I was home ill and he came over to see his son; we got to talking and one thing led to the other and the next thing I knew we were both laying in bed…… watching a movie (ha! dirty minded people you thought I was going to say having sex!) Nope, we just hung out and watched a movie.  But  during the movie while discussing what was happening in that movie I realized that this man after all these years doesn’t know me at all and this made me sad.  My husband (we are not legally divorced) never knew me, we are so very different and not in a good way, not in a way that we complement each other, but in a way that we clash, therefore from that eve of Christmas in 1998  when I let my shallowness take control of me and I started seeing someone 10 years my junior and I acted strictly on my sex drive and impulses and I started a crazy romance because it was just great! this relationship was destined to failure.

I guess my point here is, that due to the lack of my bad decisions I now have two children that will not have the opportunity to experience a family the way they should have and tonight we will not sit around a table and celebrate Christmas together as a family because sometimes in life we make a bad call and let our shallowness control us.  But I DO NOT REGRET any of the things that I do, because this is who I am, I live my life fearless going with my feelings and if I had not let my shallow self do what I did on that night when I asked who he was and If I had not started a crazy romance, I would not have my beautiful children.  I DON’T REGRET THEM.

My point also is, that life is so beautiful that even though sometimes we don’t make the right choices, we should always take responsibility for our actions, we should be proud of the choices we make, we shouldn’t be afraid to live and experience life to the fullest.  But most of all, we should learn from our mistakes and take every opportunity and turn it into a learning experience.  My children will still have a great Christmas and my children and I, ARE A FAMILY.

There is no man in my life right now, I am not dating anyone or talking to anyone so what I am about to write is the truth as I have nothing to prove to anyone.  I can hang out with my ex husband every single day, but I know that I would never fall for him, I know that he is not someone I would want to date.  If I hang out with him every so often, it is because he is the father of my children I care for him as a person but if he or I had a significant other, I would never disrespect that person by laying in bed with him watching a movie.  I think that would be violating my significant other.  However, whom ever comes into my life has to know that Francis will always be in my life and that we have a friendship.  If I am ever in a relationship again, my significant other has absolutely nothing to fear as my feelings for my ex are simply…..  I LOVE HIM SO MUCH (in a platonic way) HE IS A GREAT WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING AND A GREAT DAD.   He is not someone I was compatible with and when I look at him now, I can't believe I was with him that long.  Why do we as people sometimes settle when we know things aren't right? I don't get that!

Either way, I now often say to myself, Jazzy did you learn your lesson?....... My response....YES I DID.

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL!

THANKS FOR READING! :)