That man made me cry!

I ran into the bathroom to cry yet again, because this class was kicking my butt and all I could think of was, why does this man challenge me.  As I was standing there sobbing confused and scared in walked this young woman who asked me if I was ok, I didn’t know her and for some strange reason, her asking me that question just made me sob harder.  I began telling her how my computer professor really hated me and constantly got annoyed at my questions,  how I felt like he challenged me because he didn’t think I was smart enough.  I could tell that she felt my pain, she gave me some tissue and told me that she knew exactly how I felt and how I could go to my academic advisor and find someone I could talk to about my feelings regarding the class and the professor.  I knew deep down inside that I wasn’t only crying about this specific class and about the fact that I thought my professor was being unfair with me.  I knew deep down, that I was crying about everything.  What was I doing there?

Being a student at 39 years old with 3 children is really tough.  I often wonder, what am I doing? I feel like a bad mom because I am not with my children as much as I should be, I wonder if what I’m doing is for my kids, is it to prove a point or is it because it’s my dream that I need to fulfill.  

When I was 20 years old I was accepted into John Jay college of criminal justice, I was supposed to study Forensic Psychology.  I was so excited because I really wanted to go to school and get a degree, I had done it all on my own, no one encouraged me to go to school or backed me up It was all on my own initiative.  I was alone in NYC, my parents had left to my country to live their lives, and I stayed behind taking care of myself, being on my own at 18.  

The day I went to John Jay to register, I went with my then boyfriend, we got into a huge fight because he refused to stand in line with me to register for classes.  It was a hot summer afternoon and the line was really long.  He was so upset, he walked away from me and me, instead of letting him leave, I went after him, walking away from  the line and leaving my dream behind me, I never went back to John Jay college.  So here I am now 19 years later crying in a bathroom because at 20 I didn’t know better, I wasn’t mature enough to make the right choices, I was alone and scared.  I still feel alone and scared sometimes, but the difference now is, i’m not afraid to follow my dream I know I can do it this time, yet there are days that I want to just run away throw down my books and give up.

But then there are the people like the girl in the bathroom and the wonderful people I meet every semester in every class I take that encourage me every step of the way, and the co-workers and friends who tell me that I can do it, and my children that are patient and understanding and my mother who helps me every step of the way.  These are the people that I want to thank, these are the people that make a difference and give me the courage to keep going.  Together they make me strong.  The kind gesture and sympathy of a total stranger gave me the strength that day to keep moving forward.  

I study on my lunch break, on the train, on the weekends, even in my dreams.  I study because I want to, because I feel like I need to, because at the end of every semester I feel a sense of accomplishment and because I owe it to myself and my children to make it happen.  I believe that it is never too late to make one’s dream come true.  However, I could never do it without those people who have held my hand, pushed me and told me that I can do it.

So yes, that professor made me cry and I was loosing my hair from stress and getting really sick.  But at the end I think it wasn’t him that was challenging me, I think I constantly challenge myself.  I was upset because I wasn’t doing as good as I knew I could, I was angry because I don’t handle getting low grades well.  But I learned that semester that I can only do, the best that I can, and that that is ok, because I am fulfilling my dream.  It is never to late to do what we really want to do, and If I can do it, anyone can.  All it takes is the desire to make it happen.  

I have a long way to go still and I will probably cry many more times, and continue to challenge myself.  But I will continue to try my hardest, because I know that with the help and support of those who care about me, I will be able to do it.

Thank you.