Dear Journal:
Last night I went to my cousins wedding and I have to say that it was just lovely! she looked so beautiful in her white dress! I have to admit that she was starting to stress me out with the fact that she was so stressed out about the wedding, but in the end I know that she was so completely happy with the results and I must say that although I had no part in the making it happen process, the end result of all her and her moms and sisters hard work payed off! her wedding was magical, like literally there was a princess horse carriage waiting for her and her new husband outside of the church, it was well..... magical! the best part for me was when I got to wish her and her new husband at the same time that I wished them happiness and love and I gave my little cousin a kiss on her forehead and told her that I had "told her" that everything was going to be perfect, but what happened next is my favorite part, I said to her, "I love you" and she responded "I love you too!" she had never once said that to me and I was extremely happy when she did, because I really do love my little cousin, I remember her as a beautiful little girl and then as a beautiful young woman and last night I saw her as a beautiful young bride, it was just an amazing night.
Oh goodness I am so tired today due to the fact that I was partying last night, yes! so much fun with my family, I got to see my cousins and get lots of love from each one. We have such a big family that sometimes I forget how many of us there are and not even half of them were there. Damn, we spanish people don't mess around! but I am exhausted and I have been trying to study and write these 2 essays that I have to hand in tomorrow and it was really hard for me to get them done, but I finally did and as I was writing and trying to finish up so I could go to sleep, I decided to come to you and write to you because I surely do miss you dear journal. This is my favorite thing to do, sit on my bed and write to you my story.
I have no idea why that man came into my thoughts tonight but he did and I kept thinking, that I wish he could read my mind or even sometimes wish he would read my journal. I once wrote him a story and sent it to him and he told me that he never had the chance to actually read it, I think he was lying but maybe who knows maybe he didn't read it after all, he is quite the busy character. When he told me he had not read it I felt hurt, because I wrote it just for him and about him. It was a short story that would of probably taken him not longer then 10 minutes to read but he said he never read it. Journal, I will tell you now why I believe him to have lied.....
I had many secret conversations with him I wrote about it before....http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/secret-conversations.html and I almost know that all those times that we had those conversations, there was a connection between us that neither of us could deny. I can almost say that their was some sort of course that was taking place and that the circumstances were not the sort of circumstances that would of allowed anything to happen.
I never see him much but the other day I was walking and I bumped into him, I no longer talk to him because he hurt me and I decided that I could not talk to him and pretend that it is ok because it is not, I feel that he needs to say he is sorry and I fear that he never will. What is it with men and apologies? I don't quite understand why it is so difficult for them to say it. Of course I do not want someone to apologize to me if they are not doing so with a sincere heart, so it is ok, I have moved on. However, when I passed him I had no choice but to look up at him and when our eyes accidentally met, I must admit that he divulged it all. Right in that moment his eyes said to me what with words he probably never will. I felt that look deep in my heart and in my soul and I had to look down immediately as to not allow myself to feel anything by it at all. I hid inside of me what may or may no longer be there, I could not allow myself to have any sort of feeling towards this individual and when I say any sort of feeling I am not only referring to love or like or attraction I am referring to anger and hate and hostility. I will not allow those sentiments which do not serve me and my soul any positive purpose to control my heart. I looked back at him with almost the same intensity but when I realized that I had failed by looking up, I looked away immediately and tried to forget it had just happened.
But tonight as I was writing my essay for my class that moment came back into my thoughts and I felt I simply had to share it with you dear journal, because these are the moments that count. The one's where we feel and we understand accept and try to make sense of. Sometimes I feel that I am so deep that I can't handle it, yet I would not change that about myself for one moment.
And of course there is he...... Oh journal why does he continue to linger in my life like a ghost that won't go away? I thought of him the other day and wondered what he would be buying his new girlfriend for christmas and as the tears rolled down my eyes I wished him well and sent him lot's of love... When you love someone, you let them go and wish for them the best life has to offer. I'm blogging on a Saturday night I fear I have become the mirror image of the person I once admired with all of my heart...... hmmm..... how strange.
So to end this entry I must say that fairy tales due come true, I witnessed my beautiful young cousin marry the man she has loved since she was 14 years of age, there in front of God they exchanged vows and promised to love each other in sickness and in health I believe with all of my heart that they will. It is never to late to find true love I truly believe that with all of my heart, but when you find it once in your life and you are lucky enough to not have to ever look for it again as in the case with my young cousin and her wonderful new husband, I must admit that, that is one absolutely beautiful thing worthy of being put on this page......
Oh they danced to my favorite song that I have loved and listened to many times and thought of different people with, during different stages of my love life... Please enjoy it below. For my cousin and her new husband I have to admit that this song truly fits their story, because they are each others first love..... WOW!
My Endless love by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVJnMj2oKfo
Last night I went to my cousins wedding and I have to say that it was just lovely! she looked so beautiful in her white dress! I have to admit that she was starting to stress me out with the fact that she was so stressed out about the wedding, but in the end I know that she was so completely happy with the results and I must say that although I had no part in the making it happen process, the end result of all her and her moms and sisters hard work payed off! her wedding was magical, like literally there was a princess horse carriage waiting for her and her new husband outside of the church, it was well..... magical! the best part for me was when I got to wish her and her new husband at the same time that I wished them happiness and love and I gave my little cousin a kiss on her forehead and told her that I had "told her" that everything was going to be perfect, but what happened next is my favorite part, I said to her, "I love you" and she responded "I love you too!" she had never once said that to me and I was extremely happy when she did, because I really do love my little cousin, I remember her as a beautiful little girl and then as a beautiful young woman and last night I saw her as a beautiful young bride, it was just an amazing night.
Oh goodness I am so tired today due to the fact that I was partying last night, yes! so much fun with my family, I got to see my cousins and get lots of love from each one. We have such a big family that sometimes I forget how many of us there are and not even half of them were there. Damn, we spanish people don't mess around! but I am exhausted and I have been trying to study and write these 2 essays that I have to hand in tomorrow and it was really hard for me to get them done, but I finally did and as I was writing and trying to finish up so I could go to sleep, I decided to come to you and write to you because I surely do miss you dear journal. This is my favorite thing to do, sit on my bed and write to you my story.
I have no idea why that man came into my thoughts tonight but he did and I kept thinking, that I wish he could read my mind or even sometimes wish he would read my journal. I once wrote him a story and sent it to him and he told me that he never had the chance to actually read it, I think he was lying but maybe who knows maybe he didn't read it after all, he is quite the busy character. When he told me he had not read it I felt hurt, because I wrote it just for him and about him. It was a short story that would of probably taken him not longer then 10 minutes to read but he said he never read it. Journal, I will tell you now why I believe him to have lied.....
I had many secret conversations with him I wrote about it before....http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/secret-conversations.html and I almost know that all those times that we had those conversations, there was a connection between us that neither of us could deny. I can almost say that their was some sort of course that was taking place and that the circumstances were not the sort of circumstances that would of allowed anything to happen.
I never see him much but the other day I was walking and I bumped into him, I no longer talk to him because he hurt me and I decided that I could not talk to him and pretend that it is ok because it is not, I feel that he needs to say he is sorry and I fear that he never will. What is it with men and apologies? I don't quite understand why it is so difficult for them to say it. Of course I do not want someone to apologize to me if they are not doing so with a sincere heart, so it is ok, I have moved on. However, when I passed him I had no choice but to look up at him and when our eyes accidentally met, I must admit that he divulged it all. Right in that moment his eyes said to me what with words he probably never will. I felt that look deep in my heart and in my soul and I had to look down immediately as to not allow myself to feel anything by it at all. I hid inside of me what may or may no longer be there, I could not allow myself to have any sort of feeling towards this individual and when I say any sort of feeling I am not only referring to love or like or attraction I am referring to anger and hate and hostility. I will not allow those sentiments which do not serve me and my soul any positive purpose to control my heart. I looked back at him with almost the same intensity but when I realized that I had failed by looking up, I looked away immediately and tried to forget it had just happened.
But tonight as I was writing my essay for my class that moment came back into my thoughts and I felt I simply had to share it with you dear journal, because these are the moments that count. The one's where we feel and we understand accept and try to make sense of. Sometimes I feel that I am so deep that I can't handle it, yet I would not change that about myself for one moment.
And of course there is he...... Oh journal why does he continue to linger in my life like a ghost that won't go away? I thought of him the other day and wondered what he would be buying his new girlfriend for christmas and as the tears rolled down my eyes I wished him well and sent him lot's of love... When you love someone, you let them go and wish for them the best life has to offer. I'm blogging on a Saturday night I fear I have become the mirror image of the person I once admired with all of my heart...... hmmm..... how strange.
So to end this entry I must say that fairy tales due come true, I witnessed my beautiful young cousin marry the man she has loved since she was 14 years of age, there in front of God they exchanged vows and promised to love each other in sickness and in health I believe with all of my heart that they will. It is never to late to find true love I truly believe that with all of my heart, but when you find it once in your life and you are lucky enough to not have to ever look for it again as in the case with my young cousin and her wonderful new husband, I must admit that, that is one absolutely beautiful thing worthy of being put on this page......
Oh they danced to my favorite song that I have loved and listened to many times and thought of different people with, during different stages of my love life... Please enjoy it below. For my cousin and her new husband I have to admit that this song truly fits their story, because they are each others first love..... WOW!
My Endless love by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVJnMj2oKfo
Ahhh Jazzy you have such a dear heart and there's so much to life. We learn to live each day that is presented to us and hopefully we all make the right choices. Congratulations to the newlyweds! As far as men, apologies are hard for them because for the most part their egos get in the way. To apologize is to admit they are imperfect. To this day my dad has only apologized once to me. My step-sister was telling him lies and he believed her over me. And if you knew my dad, it's just not in his character. When a relationship finishes, you too must go through the grieving process in order to heal. I hope you find your path and you make the right choices - of this I have no doubt you will. It will take time Sweetie. One day at a time and step softly.
ReplyDelete@jkdeleon thank you for your input :) I can totally see how the male ego would get in their way. The ego is something we all need to understand in order to be better people. I went to this class on philosophy for living and when we hit the topic of ego, I realized that a lot of what people go through in life has to do with the fact that we let our egos control us. Thanks for reading my blog :)
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