Dear
Journal:
Although
this morning the weather is really gray, the reason for me feeling gray inside
has absolutely nothing to do with it, actually, I rather enjoy gloomy days as
they make me feel peaceful and lazy and that in turn makes me think of sleeping
which in turn makes me think of cuddling, which in turn makes me think of my 5
year old daughter (since she is my cuddle buddy) and thinking about my little
baby always brings joy to my heart! Ok… sorry about the tangent! Me always do
that!
So as
I was saying, the reason for my sadness is a bunch of things some which I sort
of want to keep buried deep inside and pretend that they don’t affect me, but I
can however say this. There is going to
be a great deal of change in my life which I am happy to embrace but scared all
at the same time. I feel like I am ready
yet part of me wishes deep down that the change would not be as drastic as it
will be, although change is good, it’s also very scary.
Last
night I had the magnificent pleasure of hanging out with someone that is
extremely extremely special to me, and although I was given by him specific
instructions never to write about him again, he will have to understand that
this is my journal and that I write about special things and special people and
shitty things and shitty people also if I have too, I don’t think he
understands how significant you are to me journal, and that the fact that I
write about him means he is pretty darn significant to me, no matter how weird
sometimes I find that to be and no matter how hard I try to suppress it. I have shared a significant amount of
memories about him all over these pages, which makes him very very
special.
Yes
maybe he and I have not had the best sort of friendship that two people can
share, actually, I have no idea if I am even allowed to call him friend, since
to him that word is very meaningful, but quite honestly I have to say that if
nothing else, I learned from him all sorts of things and I should hope that
from me he learned a thing or two also.
Regardless of the fact that our one year “relationship” or “friendship”
has been tumultuous to say the least, we have none the less, some sort of
connection that sometimes I find it difficult to explain or describe.
One thing that I remembered last night while
I was helping him do somethings he had to do, was that he and I have this dynamic that I can’t even
explain, it’s just this thing that is greater than us and it’s something that I
genuinely believe we both know and we both try to fight. Maybe however, this is all just in my mind
and I am just making it up as he said I often have done in the past, maybe he
is right and I should believe that my theories about him or us are all wrong, but, I
know what I feel when he is around and that feeling is not one that I feel when
any other man is around me, so because I am honest always to myself and others, I
must say that the dynamic I feel is always amazing, especially when we share
some random night, morning, afternoon, just because life in that moment brought
us together without any plan or explanation and we just become us, the two
people we really are around each other, the dopey, goofy, funny, singers,
dancers, fighters, defenders, liars, schemers, deceivers, defenders and
detectives!
When it’s us two in a good day, morning or afternoon, when we are “we”
we are pretty awesome and after we share those random moments which always seem
to happen for some unexplained reason, after he is gone, I feel this empty
space that I don’t want anyone else to fill and yet I know and understand that I
have to let the magical moment pass and not question or wonder, but just
be. So yes journal, today I am feeling
blue and this time he didn’t do a thing wrong, we didn’t fight, he didn’t upset
me, I didn’t upset him, but life just happened and life broke my heart.
I wish
I could say that I will never write about him again and that instead I will do
as he instructed me and start writing about the garbage men I saw this morning picking
up the furniture that was left last night by the fire hydrant. I wish I could say that after we hugged and
he drove away I did not cry on my way up the stairs of my building, I wish I
could say that I have forgotten it all, but I cannot, because this is my life
and I like to write and if he keeps his promise and visits me once a year, I am
sure I will write about him again, so sorry Wilford, but Jazzy can’t stop
writing about you! you inspire me in a way that others can’t, so sorry Wilford!
and even if you don’t thank me for my poems, because “you won’t encourage me to
keep doing it” I do it because this is what I love to do and I wrote about you,
even before I met you…. Dare to dream my friend………
He
told me last night that he is sure it won't be hard to find someone new to
inspire me. He doesn't know how wrong he is. It isn't every one that crosses my path,
that I stare from a far, I write a story about without even knowing who he is
and then he becomes a reality in my life, right before my eyes. How else can I explain the
laws of life and or attraction if not by sharing these things that I manifest
into my reality, these almost phenomenon that constantly happen to me just
cause. No, it won't be really easy to find someone to inspire me again, but I am
sure that one day, it will happen. I dare to dream again!Journal, I leave you with a poem. For you Wilford!
The
man from B5
By:
Jazzy
The
man in B5, made me laugh, made me cry...
And
on that last night there could be no good bye.
For those last hours were spent there with me, it was almost as if life
had just made it be.
And
on that last night through little white lies a promise was made. That one day he’d go and spend time with me there, and that on that
day it would be a grand big affair! That we would walk, we would laugh as only we
do! down the road up the hill, over mountains, we'd see, the wonderful natural beauty of God, the breath taking planes, and the wonderful sky! and oh my goodness what is that which we
see? It’s that sort of tree oh this place is for me!
And
hours will come and hours will go, Just him and just I, us sing and us dance! I’ll ruffle his feathers and keep him
together. He’ll keep me from dreaming
and being a fool. Together we’ll smile
it will last for a while, together at last together we'll be, together at last just he and just me.
And
we both will tell truths and we both will tell lies, and we both will not know why
we once said goodbye. Oh boy one more
time I will have him near! and he won’t remember that what I said was clear,
that dreams do come true remember please dear! that I held him, I smelled him and
kissed his soft lips.
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