Dear Journal:
It's too late to write, but I felt like I needed to write something, anything, because I missed you! I have been feeling really weird lately, It's been 10 days since I last saw anything to do with him, him...... Benjamin. I realized that the other night when I wrote about the fact that I was going to get rid of my addiction of reading everything that he writes or posts on his blog, that I wrote on that journal entry, that it has been four years since I have known him, when in fact, it has been 5 http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/28-days-to-overcome-addiction.html. I first set my eyes on him, going on 5 years in October and since that day, I can honestly say that I do not remember one day going by that I do not think of him. Not ONE. Imagine that? so, in those nearly 5 years, there has not been a time that I don't know something about him, anything, because he always wrote, sometimes I even felt like he was writing to me, saying something to me specifically I think I am seriously loosing it.
On Sunday I had a really tough time, at one point, I felt like I couldn't breath, the anxiety was really bad and I kept breathing harder and harder to try to catch my breath. Today, I went on an eating binge, I ate everything I could and I felt gross after but felt that I needed too. For the most part I try to keep it in the back of my mind and when the urge of going on his site or any other social network page where I can know something about him, comes over me, I think of you my sweet journal and the fact that I cannot let you down. You are my rock and it is with you on my side, here where I can write my every thought and feeling, that I will overcome this addiction. This can't be love, love looks so different. Love is kind and love is sweet and love is two people, not only one. I am not in love, I cannot be, this isn't how love is suppose to look. I do not want love to look this way in my life.
I had met someone really nice that I was talking too and I was supposed to hang out with him this week and I had to cancel, I can't talk to anyone, I don't want to have anything to do with men, I almost hate them all. I despise at this moment anyone who has ever treated me less then kind and I want to tell anyone of them, whomever decides to come on my blog and read my thoughts, that if you read this and you are one of those people who have treated me wrong for whatever reason and you know who you are, I want to say to you FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! you don't deserve anything from me! YOU ARE SLIME!
I can't do this anymore journal...... I need to sleep, I feel anxious and scared and really sad.
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