Dear Journal:
I am not even sure at what point in time this journal became an emotional outlet for me or how or why I love you so damn much! I feel like whenever my emotions are running wild (which is always) I can sit on my bed with my Mac on my lap and just let it spill. I write all the time, I have all these entries that I have written on my iphone, some I lost when my phone got wet because I had not backed them up, yet it really doesn't matter at the end of the day, because the stories are right where they should be, they are on my mind.
I looked today at his picture (Benjamin's - http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html) and I kept thinking...... OH WOW! will I ever even begin to understand the cognitive process of the depth of what I have felt for you! probably not, no matter how much I try to study it. I started my first class for this semester today, it is Cognitive Psychology, GOD I LOVE PSYCHOLOGY SO FUCKING MUCH! because it is just AMAZING! the depth of our thoughts is so amazing, that I can't even begin to imagine how to ever truly uncover a wonderful mind, let alone one that is deep and crazy!
Last year around this time, there was a hurricane that was about to hit NYC, because I live alone with my children, I had asked my ex husband to please come stay with me because I didn't know what to expect and since I am single, I didn't really have anyone else to ask, nor did I feel that it was anyone else's duty but his to stay with myself and his children, to ensure their safety. He gladly said he had no problem staying with us, but in my mind, I knew that for the next few days, the real hurricane would probably be inside the walls I call home.
The first night he and I got to talking and one thing led to another and I don't need to write on here what happened next, because it is clear that as two adults who were married for many years and were currently single, it was way to easy not to roll around a bed and have "some fun" except, that the next day after the fact, I felt really lousy for reasons that only now or maybe not now, but right after the events of that night, I understand and comprehend. When tied with our emotions, our thoughts are so deep and sometimes even crazy, that I feel that as human beings, we constantly struggle to control both, yet I don't think I can say that I have met the first person that is capable of actually really having them both in check!
But what is my job now that I have decided to learn the human mystery called mind? I guess my goal is to put my feelings aside and sort of just concentrate on what's real and evident and take that and run. Yet I struggle because my emotions are so deep. Last year the day after the whole rolling around the bed happened (we didn't literally roll around a bed, but you know what I mean, I hope) my emotions were running wild, not because I love him so much that I wanted to be with him, but because I disliked him so much I couldn't believe I went as far as to actually do it. But what happened next was what really caught me off guard and left me a little in disbelief!
The next day we are sitting in the living room of my two bedroom apartment in Brooklyn, and he says to me, Jazz there are so many things that I have never told you because you act like a real bitch! so I look at him and I'm like, what the hell are you talking about? now, I have to defend myself here before I move forward with this entry and explain, that the ONLY time I act like a real bitch, is when I am not understood, not being heard, or am in a bad mood because well, I am not been heard or understood! But, I told him that I was in a good mood and to please proceed as I was very interested in knowing what it was he needed to say and what he said next just BLEW MY MIND!
Him, my husband (we are not divorced yet, but been separated now for nearly fiver years) he works for a high end fashion designer who specializes in hand bags, once that cost hundreds of dollars. Everyday, when my husband would go to work, I was fully aware that he went into work to a building FULL of beautiful models. Not only was he surrounded by beautiful models that would be at the office trying on cloths and like literally modeling things that were going to be used for runways shows, he also worked with beautiful young women that were intelligent and well, beautiful. Back home, was little old me! Jazzy! the plain Jane that I almost am, with a belly and cellulite and stretch marks and god knows how many other imperfections. Yet what he told me that day, BLEW MY MIND!
He said Jazz, I would go to work everyday and the WHOLE DAY LONG, I WOULD THINK OF MY WIFE! I know that I would be around all these beautiful women all day long, but I would always think, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME TO MY WIFE! when he told me that and as I am writing this, my heart is almost broken. For so long I thought he didn't even care about me and thought that in his eyes I was this ugly woman who he barely liked, yet all along all he was doing was hiding his emotions, allowing his ego to take control of him and not expressing to me his sincere thoughts. Basically, our lack of good communication, did away with our marriage and the love I so deeply felt for him, because anyone that knows me personally, can attest, that if there is one man I loved in my life, he was definitely one of them. There is nothing I don't think, that I did not do for him and maybe that is what the problem was.
I guess I needed to put this on my blog because I heard that there is a hurricane and this story came to my mind. Also, last year right after the hurricane I wrote a post and mentioned that I absolutely HAD to share the events of that night/day. After I wrote that and posted it, I later decided that it was too soon to write what had happened, because I didn't want to make my blog too recent with the events that were going on. I think that a year after the fact is a good time to share. After that day, I see my ex in a whole other way. We are good friends and there is no romantic feelings between us, that was the last time he and I were ever intimate, but still, after that day, I developed a new sort of respect for him. Additionally, I kept thinking how absolutely important, effective communication is in a marriage.
So, if you come across this blog post and you get absolutely nothing out of it, I sure do hope, that if you are a man holding back from telling the woman you love how you truly feel. PLEASE! I BEG YOU! TELL HER IMMEDIATELY! and if you are a woman thinking that your man probably doesn't love you, PLEASE I BEG YOU, ASK! a whole marriage was destroyed due to the lack of effective communication, it is KEY, TO ANY SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP!
Good night! oh and if you are interested, here is the post I wrote last year. Night night!
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