Dear Journal:
I have missed you, but I have to tell you that lately I feel like I can't write, like the words that are meant for this entry, can't be typed, as I write this I feel physical pain going down my arm muscles all the way down to my fingers. I am in pain, the sort of pain I don't know how to describe other than to say that it is a pain deep in my soul and in my heart and when I accept it and face it, it's really scary and very hurtful.
In October it will be 4 years that I became addicted to someone, no, love may not be your typical addiction, but when you become that persons personal stalker, it definitely can become one. Hi, my name is Jazzy and I am a stalker. As I write this tears are rolling down my cheeks, because this is the sort of thing I don't wish upon anyone, it has been really hard for me, because the love I had for someone was so deep, I felt helpless, I felt like I couldn't control it, I felt like it had the very best of me and as If I needed it for my very existence. I have written his name on my blog a million times and these days, even talking about him, is difficult.
The first thing I have to say is that I am not like those creepy, scary stalkers that follow the person around or wait for him anywhere, or prank call or send weird letters in the mail, without identifying themselves. I am guilty of stalking someone because just to know that he lives, was enough for me to go on with life as normal as possible, my obsession for him is so great, that I made up my own stories in my mind about the day I would finally have him. It is so hard to face these demons and to move on from this, because he is the very reason why I am writing again, he is the very reason why I believe in love, he is the very reason why I believe that we can do whatever we set out to, if we really want to. He made me want to be better and for that I love him! his name......... Benjamin Nunez (that's not his real name) http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
For a really long time, I was doing really well, I wasn't even contacting him, I was moving on with my life trying to let go, I know that AJ had something to do with that, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html because when I started feeling things for him that I haven't felt for anyone else, I began to realize, that I could love again and that it is possible to forget someone no matter how long it may take. Without realizing it, I found someone who also inspired me and made me want to be better, all of a sudden, just knowing AJ, made me want to dance, sing, draw, write. He brought out the best in me and I loved that.
Then, things between he and I didn't work and although there is not one day that doesn't go by that I don't think about him, there was still that other part of me that knew that the one that always had me completely was Benjamin, like he could come to me right now and say the word and I would be his, mind, body and soul. This was evident to me about a month ago, when I went on his facebook page and there were all these pictures of his trip that I am assuming he took with his girlfriend. When I saw them, I broke down and that night cried myself to sleep. I thought I was over those feeling for him, but my reaction to those pictures really demonstrated to me that I still had very strong feeling for him and that I had to do something about it.
Then, the other day, I was talking to my wonderful awesome amazing friend D.B.S, and he told me something that sort of clicked in my head and made me realize something that is so evident to everyone but sometimes so hard to accept. I sent D.B.S a message and told him that I really missed AJ and he told me that he understood and that it was ok, and that I would get over it eventually. Then he said to me, that he missed his ex girlfriend as well and that he was so pathetic, because he would go on her FB page at least once a day, because when we love someone, just knowing they are living, is sometimes enough to calm our hunger for them. I KNOW THAT FEELING ALL TOO WELL! I said to him, because for almost 4 years, there has not been not one day, that I don't go on Benjamin's blog or Facebook or Twitter. As I was saying that to him, it made me realize that it was time that I get rid of this bad habit, a habit that has not allowed me to really move on from Benjamin, I realized that I had to make a real effort. To get rid of that habit, of going on his pages just so that I can satisfy my hunger for him, a habit that sometimes hurts me deeply. I need to realize that knowing things about him don't serve me any purpose, all those things do to me is hurt me, like the day that I saw pictures of his joyous trip with the woman who probably has his thoughts, his love and affection, the woman that now has him, my love.
What about the day I go on one of these pages and I find out that he is getting married? what of me? I can't continue to hurt myself and keep myself from moving forward. I talk about living in the moment and if he's no longer in my life this moment, then why am I holding on to him?
So, that afternoon after talking to my friend, I went on his Facebook page to stalk him as I have done so for the last nearly 4 years and I did something that I have done a few times in these past 4 years. I went into the settings on my phone and I blocked him. I didn't block him for him not to know about me, because for all I know, I no longer exist in this world to him, but because he is very much alive in me, I needed to block him from me, I needed to block him so that anytime I try to go on that page, I can not. I have blocked him in the past and even blocked his website from my computer my phone, he blocked me from his twitter account like three years ago, after our initial fight that ended our friendship. Yet I closed my old account and started a new one and figured out a way to view his tweets. It doesn't help that everything he has is public as is my stuff. It is so easy to just check, even if we are not friends on any social network site. It's really pathetic and embarrassing how I have become this crazy woman in love.
But now I'm done! I am sick of this habit, this sick obsession over someone that does not at all deserve my love my attention my devotion. I can give that to someone who truly deserves me and when the time is right, I will give that to someone else. I have blocked him from me so that I can finally move on and I am writing on my calendar every day that goes by, that another day has passed since I don't know absolutely nothing about him, yet here I am, although in a bit of physical pain in my arms and fingers and in my heart, but I am here, writing this entry, alive and well, full of love for my children, my family and my friends! I CAN OVERCOME THIS CRAZY ADDICTION! and I will! I am making a conscious effort. It only takes 28 days for me to overcome this addiction and I fully intend to overcome it.
Here I am putting this on my live journal, because I want anyone who comes across this page, to know that we can do ANYTHING we set out to do. I PROMISE YOU! I will do this! I once went 9 days without looking and on the 9th day I couldn't do it anymore and I wrote Benjamin a letter and called it 28 Days to overcome and addiction and I told him everything I had done to stop looking, but then I told him I was having a relapse, I felt compelled to look, to send him a message to reach out to him. Not this time! because this time I have you my beautiful journal, you, who I love and want to share my life with and because of you, I no longer need him, no I DO NOT!
I will love again one day! I WILL! and when that day comes, I will not need to stalk anyone or do anything crazy, because he will love me back also. I KNOW, he is out there, I feel it! I don't know who, I don't know how, I don't know when, but I know I WILL!
One Republic - Secrets
http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
I have missed you, but I have to tell you that lately I feel like I can't write, like the words that are meant for this entry, can't be typed, as I write this I feel physical pain going down my arm muscles all the way down to my fingers. I am in pain, the sort of pain I don't know how to describe other than to say that it is a pain deep in my soul and in my heart and when I accept it and face it, it's really scary and very hurtful.
In October it will be 4 years that I became addicted to someone, no, love may not be your typical addiction, but when you become that persons personal stalker, it definitely can become one. Hi, my name is Jazzy and I am a stalker. As I write this tears are rolling down my cheeks, because this is the sort of thing I don't wish upon anyone, it has been really hard for me, because the love I had for someone was so deep, I felt helpless, I felt like I couldn't control it, I felt like it had the very best of me and as If I needed it for my very existence. I have written his name on my blog a million times and these days, even talking about him, is difficult.
The first thing I have to say is that I am not like those creepy, scary stalkers that follow the person around or wait for him anywhere, or prank call or send weird letters in the mail, without identifying themselves. I am guilty of stalking someone because just to know that he lives, was enough for me to go on with life as normal as possible, my obsession for him is so great, that I made up my own stories in my mind about the day I would finally have him. It is so hard to face these demons and to move on from this, because he is the very reason why I am writing again, he is the very reason why I believe in love, he is the very reason why I believe that we can do whatever we set out to, if we really want to. He made me want to be better and for that I love him! his name......... Benjamin Nunez (that's not his real name) http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
For a really long time, I was doing really well, I wasn't even contacting him, I was moving on with my life trying to let go, I know that AJ had something to do with that, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html because when I started feeling things for him that I haven't felt for anyone else, I began to realize, that I could love again and that it is possible to forget someone no matter how long it may take. Without realizing it, I found someone who also inspired me and made me want to be better, all of a sudden, just knowing AJ, made me want to dance, sing, draw, write. He brought out the best in me and I loved that.
Then, things between he and I didn't work and although there is not one day that doesn't go by that I don't think about him, there was still that other part of me that knew that the one that always had me completely was Benjamin, like he could come to me right now and say the word and I would be his, mind, body and soul. This was evident to me about a month ago, when I went on his facebook page and there were all these pictures of his trip that I am assuming he took with his girlfriend. When I saw them, I broke down and that night cried myself to sleep. I thought I was over those feeling for him, but my reaction to those pictures really demonstrated to me that I still had very strong feeling for him and that I had to do something about it.
Then, the other day, I was talking to my wonderful awesome amazing friend D.B.S, and he told me something that sort of clicked in my head and made me realize something that is so evident to everyone but sometimes so hard to accept. I sent D.B.S a message and told him that I really missed AJ and he told me that he understood and that it was ok, and that I would get over it eventually. Then he said to me, that he missed his ex girlfriend as well and that he was so pathetic, because he would go on her FB page at least once a day, because when we love someone, just knowing they are living, is sometimes enough to calm our hunger for them. I KNOW THAT FEELING ALL TOO WELL! I said to him, because for almost 4 years, there has not been not one day, that I don't go on Benjamin's blog or Facebook or Twitter. As I was saying that to him, it made me realize that it was time that I get rid of this bad habit, a habit that has not allowed me to really move on from Benjamin, I realized that I had to make a real effort. To get rid of that habit, of going on his pages just so that I can satisfy my hunger for him, a habit that sometimes hurts me deeply. I need to realize that knowing things about him don't serve me any purpose, all those things do to me is hurt me, like the day that I saw pictures of his joyous trip with the woman who probably has his thoughts, his love and affection, the woman that now has him, my love.
What about the day I go on one of these pages and I find out that he is getting married? what of me? I can't continue to hurt myself and keep myself from moving forward. I talk about living in the moment and if he's no longer in my life this moment, then why am I holding on to him?
So, that afternoon after talking to my friend, I went on his Facebook page to stalk him as I have done so for the last nearly 4 years and I did something that I have done a few times in these past 4 years. I went into the settings on my phone and I blocked him. I didn't block him for him not to know about me, because for all I know, I no longer exist in this world to him, but because he is very much alive in me, I needed to block him from me, I needed to block him so that anytime I try to go on that page, I can not. I have blocked him in the past and even blocked his website from my computer my phone, he blocked me from his twitter account like three years ago, after our initial fight that ended our friendship. Yet I closed my old account and started a new one and figured out a way to view his tweets. It doesn't help that everything he has is public as is my stuff. It is so easy to just check, even if we are not friends on any social network site. It's really pathetic and embarrassing how I have become this crazy woman in love.
But now I'm done! I am sick of this habit, this sick obsession over someone that does not at all deserve my love my attention my devotion. I can give that to someone who truly deserves me and when the time is right, I will give that to someone else. I have blocked him from me so that I can finally move on and I am writing on my calendar every day that goes by, that another day has passed since I don't know absolutely nothing about him, yet here I am, although in a bit of physical pain in my arms and fingers and in my heart, but I am here, writing this entry, alive and well, full of love for my children, my family and my friends! I CAN OVERCOME THIS CRAZY ADDICTION! and I will! I am making a conscious effort. It only takes 28 days for me to overcome this addiction and I fully intend to overcome it.
Here I am putting this on my live journal, because I want anyone who comes across this page, to know that we can do ANYTHING we set out to do. I PROMISE YOU! I will do this! I once went 9 days without looking and on the 9th day I couldn't do it anymore and I wrote Benjamin a letter and called it 28 Days to overcome and addiction and I told him everything I had done to stop looking, but then I told him I was having a relapse, I felt compelled to look, to send him a message to reach out to him. Not this time! because this time I have you my beautiful journal, you, who I love and want to share my life with and because of you, I no longer need him, no I DO NOT!
I will love again one day! I WILL! and when that day comes, I will not need to stalk anyone or do anything crazy, because he will love me back also. I KNOW, he is out there, I feel it! I don't know who, I don't know how, I don't know when, but I know I WILL!
One Republic - Secrets
http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
WOW! I did overcome the addiction journal! I did! :) Now he is a distant memory.
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