Dear Journal:
I am half asleep, so please bare with me if I am not clear and concise. First and foremost I have been thinking about you ALOT lately! like seriously have! I have been wanting to write so bad or actually I wrote the other night on the train on my iphone notes pad, but never had the chance to put it on here because I don't know, I have been feeling a little weird/down, well, that is until last night.
Journal, I fear that I must confess to you that I was not able to go 28 days without going onto my love's blog, who's my love? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html. Journal, I really really tried! I swear that I did! I cried myself to sleep on day like 14 or something, I told myself that; that would be the last time I would allow myself to cry thinking about him, but I did, I cried and thought... OMG! how much I love him! when? when? will all this love leave my heart, while I was crying I kept remembering the night that he gave me that last hug at the train station on 14 street union square in NYC and when we said goodbye, he looked at me and said, "I know you will be back to the School of Practical Philosophy." And even though the hug wasn't an I love you so much hug, it was more of a I am afraid to hold you in my arms hug, I knew that I wasn't going to go back, I knew that I couldn't go back, because I was trying to stay away from him, doing whatever it took so that I could let him go and forget his existence. Why love someone that doesn't love me?
I have tried EVERYTHING! I have tried loving other people, or making myself THINK that I am falling for other people, I have tried not to look at his Facebook, Twitter and Blog for 26 DAYS I DIDN'T LOOK! 26 thinking that all it was, was just a habit and that I could brake the habit if I didn't look for 28 days, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/28-days-to-overcome-addiction.html because that is how long it's supposed to take to break a habit. I TRIED JOURNAL! with all of my might, but even him being out of my sight, didn't tear him out of my heart. HOW WILL I EVER? on day 14 I closed my eyes and thought of him and I could see his beautiful face that I have loved all of these years, I did, it was a vivid image almost as if he was right there in front of me. In reality, it has been 15 months since the last time I heard his lovely voice, or looked into his beautiful dark brown eyes or saw his lovely face. HOW WILL I EVER? MY LOVE!
And as I write this, tears roll down my face. They do, because I know who I LOVE, his name is Benjamin Nunez (that's not his real name) and I am sorry that I couldn't let him go in 28 days, I didn't even make it to the 28th day. Yesterday on day 26 I was having a really really hard night. My kids got me so angry and I was just really really really upset. I began to cry on my bed wondering how in the world I could do it? how can I do it all still? this is so much, they don't appreciate me, why are they so ungrateful? and then all of a sudden, I just felt the need to look, just look at his page at his blog, all I wanted to know was that he was still in this world alive and well. So I went on it and I looked and in that moment, life felt right! I felt better, instantly! it was like magic. So I thought to myself, that I don't need to deprive myself from what I feel for him. I don't care that I love him. Me loving him doesn't stop me from living my life. Me loving him doesn't stop me from doing the daily activities that I need to do in order to live. Me loving him doesn't stop me from dating or trying to give other people a chance. Me loving him is just normal to me now. Loving him feels like it's part of who I am, it's part of me. I began this journal because of him, I write again because of him, I listen to music again because of him, thinking of him makes me want to be better.
So, I won't stop loving him until someone comes into my life and steals my heart away from him. But there has been no one, no one at all that has been able to tear him out of my heart and therefore, I have to continue to live loving him and as long as I know that he is alive and well, even with someone else, then I am happy. My love for him is not selfish, I don't care if one day I open up his blog and there he is getting married. I KNOW that one day that might be the case, but that is ok, because me loving him doesn't hurt anyone.
I went on his blog last night and he had written a post about something that coincidentally is called my name, my real name. Anyway, I had seen that post when he first wrote it because I look on his blog almost every day, I am his number one fan, he inspires me still, and I love to see his writing, it fills me with joy to read his stuff, even if half the time I don't understand it because it's about some technological stuff that makes no sense at all to me, still, I read it sometimes, maybe not as I once did, maybe not thoroughly, but I browse it. Anyway, I went on the blog post and I made a comment, which he deleted this morning. My comment was silly, it said something like... wow, after all these years of me being the faithful follower, FINALLY my name is all over this blog. I did it to annoy him and that it did, because he deleted the comment. But also, the fact that he takes the time out to bother to delete it, shows that he enjoys my attention.
So after I saw that he deleted the comment, I unblocked him on Facebook and I sent him an email telling him that I would not stop writing about him because I enjoyed doing so. I told him that I didn't miss him anymore (which I don't really) but that he was the main character of my blog and that I did not want to take him out of it meaning this journal or my life, not yet. I know that this all may sound crazy to anyone that reads it and I never expect anyone to understand fully what or why he means so much to me, but he does. Even if he is rude and doesn't respond to my emails, I KNOW that I am someone, he will NEVER FORGET and that the things that he does like deleting my comment, is a sign that he pays attention to what I do and it still makes him feel a certain something. I don't know what he thinks or feels, but I do remember him saying one day in one of our classes that we had together, that there was something he didn't have control over and it was very frustrating. Of course, he will NEVER have control of my actions like I will never have control over his, but I know that it frustrates him and that gives me satisfaction, the satisfaction to know that he won't even tell me to stop, because he really doesn't want me too, if he did, he knows how to make me do so.
Anyway, I have failed you my dear journal I did not complete my 28 days but I won't stop doing what I want to do, unless it is something that is physically hurting me or someone or it is something really bad. I am moving on with my life from him, I always have and one day maybe, someone will come into my life and take me away from him, but until then, I am quite happy thinking of him and keeping him right were he has been for nearly 5 years, right in the deepest of my heart.......
Oh one last thing journal, after he deleted my initial comment, I posted another one, that one he left. OH BENJAMIN! let's play some more!
Benjamin no matter what you do..... I am bullet proof!
David Guetta ft. Sia - Titanium
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-2iDdR9ihg
I am half asleep, so please bare with me if I am not clear and concise. First and foremost I have been thinking about you ALOT lately! like seriously have! I have been wanting to write so bad or actually I wrote the other night on the train on my iphone notes pad, but never had the chance to put it on here because I don't know, I have been feeling a little weird/down, well, that is until last night.
Journal, I fear that I must confess to you that I was not able to go 28 days without going onto my love's blog, who's my love? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html. Journal, I really really tried! I swear that I did! I cried myself to sleep on day like 14 or something, I told myself that; that would be the last time I would allow myself to cry thinking about him, but I did, I cried and thought... OMG! how much I love him! when? when? will all this love leave my heart, while I was crying I kept remembering the night that he gave me that last hug at the train station on 14 street union square in NYC and when we said goodbye, he looked at me and said, "I know you will be back to the School of Practical Philosophy." And even though the hug wasn't an I love you so much hug, it was more of a I am afraid to hold you in my arms hug, I knew that I wasn't going to go back, I knew that I couldn't go back, because I was trying to stay away from him, doing whatever it took so that I could let him go and forget his existence. Why love someone that doesn't love me?
I have tried EVERYTHING! I have tried loving other people, or making myself THINK that I am falling for other people, I have tried not to look at his Facebook, Twitter and Blog for 26 DAYS I DIDN'T LOOK! 26 thinking that all it was, was just a habit and that I could brake the habit if I didn't look for 28 days, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/28-days-to-overcome-addiction.html because that is how long it's supposed to take to break a habit. I TRIED JOURNAL! with all of my might, but even him being out of my sight, didn't tear him out of my heart. HOW WILL I EVER? on day 14 I closed my eyes and thought of him and I could see his beautiful face that I have loved all of these years, I did, it was a vivid image almost as if he was right there in front of me. In reality, it has been 15 months since the last time I heard his lovely voice, or looked into his beautiful dark brown eyes or saw his lovely face. HOW WILL I EVER? MY LOVE!
And as I write this, tears roll down my face. They do, because I know who I LOVE, his name is Benjamin Nunez (that's not his real name) and I am sorry that I couldn't let him go in 28 days, I didn't even make it to the 28th day. Yesterday on day 26 I was having a really really hard night. My kids got me so angry and I was just really really really upset. I began to cry on my bed wondering how in the world I could do it? how can I do it all still? this is so much, they don't appreciate me, why are they so ungrateful? and then all of a sudden, I just felt the need to look, just look at his page at his blog, all I wanted to know was that he was still in this world alive and well. So I went on it and I looked and in that moment, life felt right! I felt better, instantly! it was like magic. So I thought to myself, that I don't need to deprive myself from what I feel for him. I don't care that I love him. Me loving him doesn't stop me from living my life. Me loving him doesn't stop me from doing the daily activities that I need to do in order to live. Me loving him doesn't stop me from dating or trying to give other people a chance. Me loving him is just normal to me now. Loving him feels like it's part of who I am, it's part of me. I began this journal because of him, I write again because of him, I listen to music again because of him, thinking of him makes me want to be better.
So, I won't stop loving him until someone comes into my life and steals my heart away from him. But there has been no one, no one at all that has been able to tear him out of my heart and therefore, I have to continue to live loving him and as long as I know that he is alive and well, even with someone else, then I am happy. My love for him is not selfish, I don't care if one day I open up his blog and there he is getting married. I KNOW that one day that might be the case, but that is ok, because me loving him doesn't hurt anyone.
I went on his blog last night and he had written a post about something that coincidentally is called my name, my real name. Anyway, I had seen that post when he first wrote it because I look on his blog almost every day, I am his number one fan, he inspires me still, and I love to see his writing, it fills me with joy to read his stuff, even if half the time I don't understand it because it's about some technological stuff that makes no sense at all to me, still, I read it sometimes, maybe not as I once did, maybe not thoroughly, but I browse it. Anyway, I went on the blog post and I made a comment, which he deleted this morning. My comment was silly, it said something like... wow, after all these years of me being the faithful follower, FINALLY my name is all over this blog. I did it to annoy him and that it did, because he deleted the comment. But also, the fact that he takes the time out to bother to delete it, shows that he enjoys my attention.
So after I saw that he deleted the comment, I unblocked him on Facebook and I sent him an email telling him that I would not stop writing about him because I enjoyed doing so. I told him that I didn't miss him anymore (which I don't really) but that he was the main character of my blog and that I did not want to take him out of it meaning this journal or my life, not yet. I know that this all may sound crazy to anyone that reads it and I never expect anyone to understand fully what or why he means so much to me, but he does. Even if he is rude and doesn't respond to my emails, I KNOW that I am someone, he will NEVER FORGET and that the things that he does like deleting my comment, is a sign that he pays attention to what I do and it still makes him feel a certain something. I don't know what he thinks or feels, but I do remember him saying one day in one of our classes that we had together, that there was something he didn't have control over and it was very frustrating. Of course, he will NEVER have control of my actions like I will never have control over his, but I know that it frustrates him and that gives me satisfaction, the satisfaction to know that he won't even tell me to stop, because he really doesn't want me too, if he did, he knows how to make me do so.
Anyway, I have failed you my dear journal I did not complete my 28 days but I won't stop doing what I want to do, unless it is something that is physically hurting me or someone or it is something really bad. I am moving on with my life from him, I always have and one day maybe, someone will come into my life and take me away from him, but until then, I am quite happy thinking of him and keeping him right were he has been for nearly 5 years, right in the deepest of my heart.......
Oh one last thing journal, after he deleted my initial comment, I posted another one, that one he left. OH BENJAMIN! let's play some more!
Benjamin no matter what you do..... I am bullet proof!
David Guetta ft. Sia - Titanium
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-2iDdR9ihg
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