"You practice gymnastics, I practice everything" ~ Socrates ~ Way of the peaceful warrior
Dear Journal:
I feel like I am on this journey of self discovery and no matter how hard I try, I am not trying hard enough! sometimes it is seriously difficult being me! There are days that I just want to un log (made up word) un log myself from the world wide web, delete my journal, my pages and throw away my lap top, but then I realize that no matter what I do, no matter what I try, I will still have my brain, and it will still be actively working, actively thinking and actively taking me to the past and future all the while my body being here in the NOW. And if every now and then I catch up with my mind, meaning that if every now and then I am actually in the PRESENT MOMENT, I realize that it is only in those moments that I truly feel complete, complete happiness, so, why is it so hard for me to stay where happiness is complete? why is it so hard to stay with my body in this moment instead of allowing my mind to control every single thing? well, if you are waiting for me to answer that question, the answer is....... I HAVE NO IDEA!
Last night I got an email from this guy on plenty of fish, asking me how things were going for me on skout, I look at the picture, and the person sending me the message is someone who over a month ago, told me off for me asking for his respect, then after that initial incident, he sent me another message a few weeks later trying to get to know me, I guess thinking that I had forgotten who he was and when I told him off again (I didn't literally tell him off) but when I told him I remembered who he was, he acted as if I was crazy and confusing him for someone else. Last night when he sent me the message, I looked at it and I could not believe this guys nerve, does he really think I am stupid? or is it that he is stupid? I'm really confused! this time, I decided that I want to give him a chance, like this is the third time he is trying to talk to me and therefore I am intrigued by him. What is it about me that makes him want to know me so bad? why is it that he won't give up? so, this time I sent him an email and I told him that A. he either stops contacting me or B. he admits to me that he was wrong that first time and apologizes to me. Well, after that message I never heard back from him.
Why is it so hard for people to say I AM SORRY? I can't deal with the fact that some people are SO PROUD, that they loose out on amazing things in life! I am not even talking about him anymore, I am now moving to a whole different topic. Yesterday, I sent a message to my ex husband asking him to please send me a copy of our divorce, I was really nice to him and asked him nicely if he could send me a copy because I needed it and it's mine. Well, a few minutes later I get an email getting told off, and him telling me that he feels sorry for the next person I marry and he goes on and on on how I am such a bitch! BITTER MUCH? I cannot believe! that people refuse to accept that it take two to tango, that I did not destroy my marriage alone, that sometimes you have to say your sorry, say let's try, say something to try to make something work, because your pride is but an impediment to your happiness, what did my ex husband get out of being proud, when I can still see right through him and his pain? If he didn't feel any way about me, he would not get upset for me asking him for something that belongs to me, for something so simple that I really do need to have so that I can take him out of my insurance policy, something that isn't a crazy request. I feel like no matter what I do, when it comes to him, I am ALWAYS the bad one and I am honestly sick and tired of his behavior toward me sometimes, he thinks that he can still talk to me however he wants, but the problem is that I am not that same woman he was married to nearly six years ago, GOODNESS!!!!! I try so very hard to stay calm, to not get upset with the things he tells me, to control my anger and when he says things that are completely inappropriate, but sometimes it is just so difficult, sometimes I just wish he would never talk to me again, I wish I had a middle person that could talk to him for me because although sometimes I feel like we are finally in a good place, finally cool friends that can just be chill with one another, the next thing I know, he is flipping out on me about something ridiculous.
So, what should I do? how do I get rid of this problem? do I just stop talking to him all together? I mean while we were married trying to talk to him was impossible, so why start trying now, now that I no longer love him, now that I really don't care if I talk to him or not, now that I am FINALLY divorced. I don't know why I am writing all of this on here this morning, I guess I just need to vent because I am sick and tired of having to deal with someone I don't ever even think about anymore, I just wish he would leave me ALONE already, I wish he would stop thinking that he knows me, he DOES NOT KNOW ME! he never did! he doesn't know anything about me, so please please please leave me alone!!!! WE ARE DIVORCED NOW!!!!!
Journal, things are good lately besides this little rant that I just went on. I feel happy and content, I miss sex though, I have been practicing celibacy now for a few months and I am really feeling like I am about to give in, give in to my human desires, but I won't! discipline is a beautiful thing! I CAN DO THIS!
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