Dear Journal:
Today was a bad day, or should I say, yesterday was a bad day, it was a really really sad day! 10 years ago yesterday, the one man that I truly loved with every bit of my very being past away. Ten years, that I do not see his smile, hear his voice, touch his skin, kiss his forehead, tell him my deepest scariest feelings, oh my grand daddy, how much I miss you! My body aches with hurt and I feel like I am living that moment again, when I last saw him there on that bed and then life became surreal and nothing mattered, because my grand daddy was gone. WHERE ARE YOU NOW? I remember that for days after that, I was in some sort of weird space, the world around me felt so strange and nothing mattered, the pain was so overwhelming that I kept asking if it was true. I still have the pajama pants he was wearing the day that he died and I can't wear them or do anything with them, just keep them somewhere, somewhere where I know they are. Ten years, how did they go so fast? where did they go? who am I now?
This morning I went for a run and as I was running I broke down crying, I felt so overwhelmed and emotionally imbalanced, I felt free for the first time in so long, free truly free as if I had been let out of a box and into this world, cruel, scary world and all of a sudden it dawned on me, my fear of commitment and love, where it came from. While I was married I felt trapped, I felt as if I was in a box as if I had stopped being me, just so I could be the person that my husband wanted me to be, but not because he asked me too, but because I made myself that person just for him, I changed just to be someone I wasn't and then I was trapped in this fake world that I did not know, because I had created that world just for him, to have him and when I started to be me, he did not like me, because I wasn't what he wanted. I felt horrible that I lied to him and myself all those years for my own selfish reasons and as I ran and cried, I asked God to please forgive me, to please forgive me for what I had done, because I was wrong, yet I had to do what I did so that he could have the life he now has, it was written somewhere else, it was someone else's rule, but who's?
I know that I don't make any sense at this moment, maybe because it is way past midnight, but I have written some magical things, I have been writing journals since I was a teenager and once upon a time, my boyfriend when I was 16 took the journals I had up until that point and threw them down the incinerator of his building, but this is my gift, this is what I have and I don't care if it ever goes anywhere, I don't care if anyone ever reads it, I don't care if it is good or not. This is my journal and no one will ever again take it away from me, I will not let them. My journals that I wrote went down a whole full of garbage, I allowed a man to take what I had written and throw it away as if it was trash, it wasn't trash, it was my life in words. This you my journal, you are my life in words.
Today was a hard day, or should I say yesterday, for today is a new day and it will be better....
THANK YOU GOD, thank you UNIVERSE, thank you ANGELS.....
Today was a bad day, or should I say, yesterday was a bad day, it was a really really sad day! 10 years ago yesterday, the one man that I truly loved with every bit of my very being past away. Ten years, that I do not see his smile, hear his voice, touch his skin, kiss his forehead, tell him my deepest scariest feelings, oh my grand daddy, how much I miss you! My body aches with hurt and I feel like I am living that moment again, when I last saw him there on that bed and then life became surreal and nothing mattered, because my grand daddy was gone. WHERE ARE YOU NOW? I remember that for days after that, I was in some sort of weird space, the world around me felt so strange and nothing mattered, the pain was so overwhelming that I kept asking if it was true. I still have the pajama pants he was wearing the day that he died and I can't wear them or do anything with them, just keep them somewhere, somewhere where I know they are. Ten years, how did they go so fast? where did they go? who am I now?
This morning I went for a run and as I was running I broke down crying, I felt so overwhelmed and emotionally imbalanced, I felt free for the first time in so long, free truly free as if I had been let out of a box and into this world, cruel, scary world and all of a sudden it dawned on me, my fear of commitment and love, where it came from. While I was married I felt trapped, I felt as if I was in a box as if I had stopped being me, just so I could be the person that my husband wanted me to be, but not because he asked me too, but because I made myself that person just for him, I changed just to be someone I wasn't and then I was trapped in this fake world that I did not know, because I had created that world just for him, to have him and when I started to be me, he did not like me, because I wasn't what he wanted. I felt horrible that I lied to him and myself all those years for my own selfish reasons and as I ran and cried, I asked God to please forgive me, to please forgive me for what I had done, because I was wrong, yet I had to do what I did so that he could have the life he now has, it was written somewhere else, it was someone else's rule, but who's?
I know that I don't make any sense at this moment, maybe because it is way past midnight, but I have written some magical things, I have been writing journals since I was a teenager and once upon a time, my boyfriend when I was 16 took the journals I had up until that point and threw them down the incinerator of his building, but this is my gift, this is what I have and I don't care if it ever goes anywhere, I don't care if anyone ever reads it, I don't care if it is good or not. This is my journal and no one will ever again take it away from me, I will not let them. My journals that I wrote went down a whole full of garbage, I allowed a man to take what I had written and throw it away as if it was trash, it wasn't trash, it was my life in words. This you my journal, you are my life in words.
Today was a hard day, or should I say yesterday, for today is a new day and it will be better....
THANK YOU GOD, thank you UNIVERSE, thank you ANGELS.....
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