Dear Journal -
The word neglect can't even describe fully how I have almost abandoned you, so sorry sweet journal, but Jazzy has been so busy living and memorizing words like acetylcholine, yes I barely know how to pronounce it myself! anyway, I've been so busy trying to learn a million things at the speed of light, that writing has been the last thing on my list, writing, something that should always be on the top of the list.
I'm afraid I am lacking inspiration lately, I feel like I am missing something or like I've become almost numb of my emotions, they are just not all there lately. It's this force I feel, this drive to keep my focus, that's almost made me mechanical. A lot of times I'm moving in auto pilot and sometimes, I just straight up crash.
What can I tell you dear journal that might be of some sort of profound meaning? Hmm let me see..... Well, there is this one thing I would like to notate on this my sweet journal as a reminder to love thy self. There was a man that I have written about in the past who I had very strong romantic feelings for, and while my feelings were not those of, OH MY GOSH I love this man so much! They were definitely up there with, man! I could actually picture myself with this person, that of course was a brief picture in my mind all based on "picture perfect" couple stereotypes, does that make sense? What I mean with that is that this man and I should we have taken a picture together and sent it around to people, everyone would say something like.... Wow! What a lovely looking couple! Like we genuinely would have looked really great together! I even think that if for one second, this man would of given me half a chance, he would of probably found a wonderful friend, lover and partner! but instead, this person judged me from the start and put me in all sorts of stereotypes based on his past experiences with other women, never truly giving me a fair chance. When I say that, I mean not even a chance to be a friend.
So, what I learned from this experience is that no matter how nice I am genuinely, people always seem to take my kindness for weakness and they do not treat me with respect, they are mean to me. And when I say they, I'm pretty much referring to men, because obviously there is no reason for a woman to be mean to me, and if a woman is mean to me, then I will just move on from her also. Relationships no matter what type of relationship it is, requires respect. I will respect and be honest and treat you kind, if you offer me the same treatment, if you don't, then I no longer know you.
Journal, I leave you with a little poem I wrote after I saw the man who was mean to me. Tonight on my way home from school, I was writing this entry on the train and right after, i bumped into him. When I saw him, I had to pretend, I no longer know him, because he has not been very nice to Jazzy, I love all people, but I cannot love right, if I don't love myself first.
Ignoring hurts me more than it hurts you, because it brings out a part of me that I do not like to see, so I cried because you drove me to bring out this side of me, this side that I do not like to see, a part that I keep deep inside, a part that only mean will make come alive.
So I saw you standing there, and pretended that I had never seen your stare, and acted as if I didn't know you, and walked passed as if nothing had been shared, because all along you had been unfair, and you brought out this part of me, a part that I did not like to see, and I walked by and left you there, because all along you had always been unfair.
So I walked away and never looked back, and I felt happy and then I felt sad, for you brought out a side of me that I did not like to see, because all along you had been mean to me and all along you had misjudged me and all along I tried to be nice and all along I had to pay the price and all I ever wanted was to be nice and all along I had to pay the price, but that day I left you standing there, because all along you had been unfair, I never want to see your face, I never want to share your embrace, I never want to see your smile, I never want to know you for a while, I never knew you before, I never saw you again, I never want to see your smile, I never want to see you around, so I left you standing there, because you were always so unfair.
The word neglect can't even describe fully how I have almost abandoned you, so sorry sweet journal, but Jazzy has been so busy living and memorizing words like acetylcholine, yes I barely know how to pronounce it myself! anyway, I've been so busy trying to learn a million things at the speed of light, that writing has been the last thing on my list, writing, something that should always be on the top of the list.
I'm afraid I am lacking inspiration lately, I feel like I am missing something or like I've become almost numb of my emotions, they are just not all there lately. It's this force I feel, this drive to keep my focus, that's almost made me mechanical. A lot of times I'm moving in auto pilot and sometimes, I just straight up crash.
What can I tell you dear journal that might be of some sort of profound meaning? Hmm let me see..... Well, there is this one thing I would like to notate on this my sweet journal as a reminder to love thy self. There was a man that I have written about in the past who I had very strong romantic feelings for, and while my feelings were not those of, OH MY GOSH I love this man so much! They were definitely up there with, man! I could actually picture myself with this person, that of course was a brief picture in my mind all based on "picture perfect" couple stereotypes, does that make sense? What I mean with that is that this man and I should we have taken a picture together and sent it around to people, everyone would say something like.... Wow! What a lovely looking couple! Like we genuinely would have looked really great together! I even think that if for one second, this man would of given me half a chance, he would of probably found a wonderful friend, lover and partner! but instead, this person judged me from the start and put me in all sorts of stereotypes based on his past experiences with other women, never truly giving me a fair chance. When I say that, I mean not even a chance to be a friend.
So, what I learned from this experience is that no matter how nice I am genuinely, people always seem to take my kindness for weakness and they do not treat me with respect, they are mean to me. And when I say they, I'm pretty much referring to men, because obviously there is no reason for a woman to be mean to me, and if a woman is mean to me, then I will just move on from her also. Relationships no matter what type of relationship it is, requires respect. I will respect and be honest and treat you kind, if you offer me the same treatment, if you don't, then I no longer know you.
Journal, I leave you with a little poem I wrote after I saw the man who was mean to me. Tonight on my way home from school, I was writing this entry on the train and right after, i bumped into him. When I saw him, I had to pretend, I no longer know him, because he has not been very nice to Jazzy, I love all people, but I cannot love right, if I don't love myself first.
Unfair
By: Jazzy
Ignoring hurts me more than it hurts you, because it brings out a part of me that I do not like to see, so I cried because you drove me to bring out this side of me, this side that I do not like to see, a part that I keep deep inside, a part that only mean will make come alive.
So I saw you standing there, and pretended that I had never seen your stare, and acted as if I didn't know you, and walked passed as if nothing had been shared, because all along you had been unfair, and you brought out this part of me, a part that I did not like to see, and I walked by and left you there, because all along you had always been unfair.
So I walked away and never looked back, and I felt happy and then I felt sad, for you brought out a side of me that I did not like to see, because all along you had been mean to me and all along you had misjudged me and all along I tried to be nice and all along I had to pay the price and all I ever wanted was to be nice and all along I had to pay the price, but that day I left you standing there, because all along you had been unfair, I never want to see your face, I never want to share your embrace, I never want to see your smile, I never want to know you for a while, I never knew you before, I never saw you again, I never want to see your smile, I never want to see you around, so I left you standing there, because you were always so unfair.
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