Dear Journal:
Last weekend at this time I was hiking and let me tell you, it was the best day ever! when I am surrounded by nature, everything seems perfect, it would of been even more perfect if I would have been doing it with the one my heart yearns for, but unfortunately, I always choose crazy people to care about and so no, I wasn't able to hike with him. Instead however, I was hiking with an amazing awesome guy who I really like a whole lot, except I don't like him the way I feel I need to in order to want to do stuff like that with him often. Should I explain? sometimes things happen to me and I think to myself... DAMMIT! this is the stuff that I really want to write about... this! life! now! and then when I sit down and try to put it all down, I realize that sometimes some things need to be left unsaid because there are some things that are just not nice to say, or because they are just way to personal and a bit embarrasing, however, I need to share a little bit of me that's way deep because if I do, then this journal is truly personal, it's truly real and it's truly me.
I went to another state last week and while I was there visiting, I had to ask myself a few questions, the reason why I had to ask myself these questions was because I need to make sure that I am being real to the one person that truly matters.....ME. I went there for two reasons, one, because I absolutely love it there and two, because I wanted to meet AJ, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html so I set out on this trip with no expectations and deep down feeling a bit nervous but ready for the worst, because last year just about the same time, I had went to this same city to meet him and he had been so scared, that he was unable to meet me, last year when that happened, I was really torn, and felt a bit heartbroken. This year, I was not only going to meet him, but I was going to meet three other people that I have been talking to virtually 2 other men and one woman. So, I get there and we finally decide where exactly we were going to meet and I drive there to meet him and when I get there, he is standing outside of his car waiting for me. When I got out of my car and went over to him, I felt as if I had known him always and as if I didn't know him at all, but I knew that the first thing I wanted to do was hug him, so I hugged him and said FINALLY! and we began talking as if we were really old friends that usually meet up every few weeks to have lunch. During the whole time I was having lunch with him, I did not feel any romantic feelings, nor did I feel nervous, I just felt very comfortable sitting there with him which brings me to my theory. I have this theory that when you don't have romantic feelings for someone, you are perfectly comfortable around them, but when you do have romantic feelings for someone, you get really nervous, I didn't feel nervous because I almost felt like he is mine and I have nothing to be nervous about, except that the reality is that he isn't and I should be very nervous.
After lunch we went back to my hotel room and I asked him to please just lay down beside me and hold me, and that is exactly what he did, I wrapped my hands around him and held on to him for dear life and then I began to cry, I began to cry, because I realized how magical it can be to hold on to the one you love, I had forgotten how amazing it feels to just be, just be there in the same space same place as the person who makes you feel whole, I felt whole in that moment, but I was also ready to leave when he was ready to do so, because I am not going to hold on to people, I don't feel that I want to, I feel that my freedom is so valuable, that I don't care to let go and that is exactly what happened next. Before him and I went to the hotel, he told me that he could only stay with me until a certain time, I told him it was fine, so we went there held on to each other and when it was time to go, we left. I did not have sex with him, I guess unfortunately and fortunately, fortunately, because I don't know what would happen if I made love to him, I'm not sure that I would be as calm and collective about the situation as I am right now, this very moment. I also feel that the time we spent together was more meaningful, because we love each other, for who we each are and that is truly priceless, except now we are just.....I don't know..... two people that think of each other I guess.
The rest of the time I was there we did not communicate or saw each other and I to his face could not admit that I loved him and now I think I do but still am not completely sure, or maybe I just won't allow myself to love someone I am not with, because I went down that road before and that road led me to heart ache and pain. So, I will leave the future of AJ and I up in the air, may the energies that brought us together and the spirit of love bring us back together if that is the will of the mighty creator, if it is not, then I know that we shared a very meaningful special moment, the sorts of moments that have deep meaning, the sorts of moments that you carry inside forever. I will be living there sometime soon and I am sure that when that time comes, I will have much more to tell about AJ and I, because the one thing I am sure about, is that it isn't over, it hasn't even began.
The rest of the time that I was there I spent it with my other male friend, with him it felt natural to hang out, get drunk, cuddle and well..... have a great time! I cannot unfortunately say that It was the most meaningful moments of my life because with him I do not share a deep connection, I think that when I write about connections, anyone that comes across this post can understand. There are people that cross our paths that we just feel deeply connected to, it's almost as if they were there all along, as if you had been with them somewhere before and then there are others that although you feel very comfortable with, you just can't seem to feel that deep closeness. I loved hanging out with my other friend, but I was honest with him about how I felt and I was honest to the most important person that truly matters, ME. I cannot lead someone on to beleive that just because I was finally able to cuddle, that means something, I feel like I reached a whole new level of me, that level being me being able to be a man, yes go ahead hold me tight if you wish, but there is nothing going on inside me. Does this make me feel really sad? yes it does, I do not quite know at which point I became almost robotic. But, I have had moments of truly giving myself to another, and that moment was when I was laying on a bed with AJ holding him tight, he didn't have my body, but in that moment he had all of me and that is more meaningful than any other thing in this world. So journal, at least I know now that I am able to cuddle, will I go around and do it? probably not.... shallow Jazz.... you can call me that from no on.
OH.... I wanted to put this song on my journal because apparently, there are people in this world that get annoyed at the fact that I can cuddle now and not give a damn, I never understand men... the Alpha male... I don't want you, but I hate for anyone else to have you!... FUCK YOU!
Give me the night - George Benson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imYJpr09IgQ
Last weekend at this time I was hiking and let me tell you, it was the best day ever! when I am surrounded by nature, everything seems perfect, it would of been even more perfect if I would have been doing it with the one my heart yearns for, but unfortunately, I always choose crazy people to care about and so no, I wasn't able to hike with him. Instead however, I was hiking with an amazing awesome guy who I really like a whole lot, except I don't like him the way I feel I need to in order to want to do stuff like that with him often. Should I explain? sometimes things happen to me and I think to myself... DAMMIT! this is the stuff that I really want to write about... this! life! now! and then when I sit down and try to put it all down, I realize that sometimes some things need to be left unsaid because there are some things that are just not nice to say, or because they are just way to personal and a bit embarrasing, however, I need to share a little bit of me that's way deep because if I do, then this journal is truly personal, it's truly real and it's truly me.
I went to another state last week and while I was there visiting, I had to ask myself a few questions, the reason why I had to ask myself these questions was because I need to make sure that I am being real to the one person that truly matters.....ME. I went there for two reasons, one, because I absolutely love it there and two, because I wanted to meet AJ, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html so I set out on this trip with no expectations and deep down feeling a bit nervous but ready for the worst, because last year just about the same time, I had went to this same city to meet him and he had been so scared, that he was unable to meet me, last year when that happened, I was really torn, and felt a bit heartbroken. This year, I was not only going to meet him, but I was going to meet three other people that I have been talking to virtually 2 other men and one woman. So, I get there and we finally decide where exactly we were going to meet and I drive there to meet him and when I get there, he is standing outside of his car waiting for me. When I got out of my car and went over to him, I felt as if I had known him always and as if I didn't know him at all, but I knew that the first thing I wanted to do was hug him, so I hugged him and said FINALLY! and we began talking as if we were really old friends that usually meet up every few weeks to have lunch. During the whole time I was having lunch with him, I did not feel any romantic feelings, nor did I feel nervous, I just felt very comfortable sitting there with him which brings me to my theory. I have this theory that when you don't have romantic feelings for someone, you are perfectly comfortable around them, but when you do have romantic feelings for someone, you get really nervous, I didn't feel nervous because I almost felt like he is mine and I have nothing to be nervous about, except that the reality is that he isn't and I should be very nervous.
After lunch we went back to my hotel room and I asked him to please just lay down beside me and hold me, and that is exactly what he did, I wrapped my hands around him and held on to him for dear life and then I began to cry, I began to cry, because I realized how magical it can be to hold on to the one you love, I had forgotten how amazing it feels to just be, just be there in the same space same place as the person who makes you feel whole, I felt whole in that moment, but I was also ready to leave when he was ready to do so, because I am not going to hold on to people, I don't feel that I want to, I feel that my freedom is so valuable, that I don't care to let go and that is exactly what happened next. Before him and I went to the hotel, he told me that he could only stay with me until a certain time, I told him it was fine, so we went there held on to each other and when it was time to go, we left. I did not have sex with him, I guess unfortunately and fortunately, fortunately, because I don't know what would happen if I made love to him, I'm not sure that I would be as calm and collective about the situation as I am right now, this very moment. I also feel that the time we spent together was more meaningful, because we love each other, for who we each are and that is truly priceless, except now we are just.....I don't know..... two people that think of each other I guess.
The rest of the time I was there we did not communicate or saw each other and I to his face could not admit that I loved him and now I think I do but still am not completely sure, or maybe I just won't allow myself to love someone I am not with, because I went down that road before and that road led me to heart ache and pain. So, I will leave the future of AJ and I up in the air, may the energies that brought us together and the spirit of love bring us back together if that is the will of the mighty creator, if it is not, then I know that we shared a very meaningful special moment, the sorts of moments that have deep meaning, the sorts of moments that you carry inside forever. I will be living there sometime soon and I am sure that when that time comes, I will have much more to tell about AJ and I, because the one thing I am sure about, is that it isn't over, it hasn't even began.
The rest of the time that I was there I spent it with my other male friend, with him it felt natural to hang out, get drunk, cuddle and well..... have a great time! I cannot unfortunately say that It was the most meaningful moments of my life because with him I do not share a deep connection, I think that when I write about connections, anyone that comes across this post can understand. There are people that cross our paths that we just feel deeply connected to, it's almost as if they were there all along, as if you had been with them somewhere before and then there are others that although you feel very comfortable with, you just can't seem to feel that deep closeness. I loved hanging out with my other friend, but I was honest with him about how I felt and I was honest to the most important person that truly matters, ME. I cannot lead someone on to beleive that just because I was finally able to cuddle, that means something, I feel like I reached a whole new level of me, that level being me being able to be a man, yes go ahead hold me tight if you wish, but there is nothing going on inside me. Does this make me feel really sad? yes it does, I do not quite know at which point I became almost robotic. But, I have had moments of truly giving myself to another, and that moment was when I was laying on a bed with AJ holding him tight, he didn't have my body, but in that moment he had all of me and that is more meaningful than any other thing in this world. So journal, at least I know now that I am able to cuddle, will I go around and do it? probably not.... shallow Jazz.... you can call me that from no on.
Give me the night - George Benson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imYJpr09IgQ
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