Dear Journal:
The key word for this post is GUILT. Lately I have been feeling guilty about a whole bunch of things and I honestly have to say that I am starting to piss my own self off. Like seriously? how come when people do messed up things to me they don't feel guilty? and why do I have to feel guilty if the things that I do aren't really "that bad" I mean honestly, when I think of my life, I don't really do squat! like I have thoughts of wanting to do certain things that are pornographic in nature, but I don't really do them and furthermore I don't think I would be able to even if I wanted to, because I have this "guilt" factor that I have to carry around at all times, or is it that my up bringing is one of the mentality that if I do xy or z or xxx then I will be in trouble?
Ok, I know that I am not making a lot of sense, but honestly, I miss sex, I miss sex a whole lot and lately I have just being contemplating a whole bunch of crazy scenerios in my mind of these ridiculous fantasies that only happen on porn, but I think it's healthy to allow ourselves to imagine different scenarios. I honestly think that the bulk of people do just that, they imagine they want this and that and at the end of the day, they don't do squat!
So I was away a few weeks ago and I was able to spend time with someone who I know really likes me, except I like him as a friend, but I don't like him romantically, I told myself that I could think "outside the box" and just go for it, why not! and so I tried my hardest to allow myself the opportunity to be with someone who treated me like a true princess and what happened? I don't like him! I FEEL SOOOO GUILTY! these things happen to me way to often and it is really frustrating, why is it always the ones that are sweet hearts that I reject? so I try to ask myself these questions and the answer is, that if someone really likes me, they are going to be nice to me and treat me like a princess, because the truth is, that it is in a man's nature to want to go above and beyond for the woman they like/love, so, I shouldn't feel guilty because I don't like him, I should feel proud of myself that I won't lead him on even though he gave me royal treatment. I feel good that I can be honest with him knowing that he will no longer offer me that sort of treatment and I'm OK with it, because I do not want to do to others what I do not want to be done to me, so why in the world would I abuse of his kind gestures? actually, I would offer him the same treatment but can only do so as a friend. Anyway, I told him this knowing that he would probably back off and not communicate with me as often, and that is exactly what happened, I hope that he finds someone suitable soon, so that he and I can be friends and then I don't have to feel guilty anymore.
In other Jazzy news, I have been seriously considering having an open relationship. Well, I think first I have to have "A RELATIONSHIP" and then I have to make sure that the person is ok with it being open. The reason why I think an open relationship would be cool, is that I honestly feel that I can't be with just one person for too long, I honestly thinking back at my past relationships, always get bored after a few years and so why not? but again, these are all just random thoughts that I wish to share on my journal, because I want whomever comes across my journal, to understand that it is OK to have different sorts of thoughts and ideas, it's healthy to keep your mental juices flowing, it's healthy to think, one thing is thinking another is doing! take charge of your thoughts, allow them to come out, discuss them with friends. I am going to be judged regardless of what I say on my journal, and I honestly don't care, go ahead, judge all you want, half the time people get me all wrong anyway and I love that!
So I met this one guy on line who I am lusting over, except he lives in PA, why is it that the ones I like always live in different states? anyway, he is in an open relationship and I honestly think that he is only in an open relationship because his woman, who happens to be a sex therapist, wanted that. Do you see what I mean about a man that wants you enough will go above and beyond? I think he is quite the cool guy and we only talk as friends, he doesn't know I'm lusting over him, but still! come see Jazzy! you will forget all about your sex therapist! all jokes aside, I barely ever lust over anyone, so this makes me feel good because at least I know I am still really alive! geesh! for a while there I thought I was a robot! yeah, this guy is quite the nerdy man who is just pretty awesome! who knows, maybe one day he and I will meet and then I will end up in an "open relationship" I mean, I will be with him knowing he is with her and then I can still do whatever I want! that's a win win situation if you ask me!
Ok. Gotta go, to many random thoughts going on in the left right hemisphere of my brain, because remember, the right side of your brain is responsible for spacial, artistic, creative and random thoughts (I added random) so yeah, lot's of stuff going on on that side this morning. I need to get my logical left side going so I can get some school work done. Oh and speaking of which, this semester, Jazzy is learning Behavioral Neuroscience... GOD HELP ME! that stuff is CRAZY!
OUR BRAINS ARE SOOOOO AMAZING!
The key word for this post is GUILT. Lately I have been feeling guilty about a whole bunch of things and I honestly have to say that I am starting to piss my own self off. Like seriously? how come when people do messed up things to me they don't feel guilty? and why do I have to feel guilty if the things that I do aren't really "that bad" I mean honestly, when I think of my life, I don't really do squat! like I have thoughts of wanting to do certain things that are pornographic in nature, but I don't really do them and furthermore I don't think I would be able to even if I wanted to, because I have this "guilt" factor that I have to carry around at all times, or is it that my up bringing is one of the mentality that if I do xy or z or xxx then I will be in trouble?
Ok, I know that I am not making a lot of sense, but honestly, I miss sex, I miss sex a whole lot and lately I have just being contemplating a whole bunch of crazy scenerios in my mind of these ridiculous fantasies that only happen on porn, but I think it's healthy to allow ourselves to imagine different scenarios. I honestly think that the bulk of people do just that, they imagine they want this and that and at the end of the day, they don't do squat!
So I was away a few weeks ago and I was able to spend time with someone who I know really likes me, except I like him as a friend, but I don't like him romantically, I told myself that I could think "outside the box" and just go for it, why not! and so I tried my hardest to allow myself the opportunity to be with someone who treated me like a true princess and what happened? I don't like him! I FEEL SOOOO GUILTY! these things happen to me way to often and it is really frustrating, why is it always the ones that are sweet hearts that I reject? so I try to ask myself these questions and the answer is, that if someone really likes me, they are going to be nice to me and treat me like a princess, because the truth is, that it is in a man's nature to want to go above and beyond for the woman they like/love, so, I shouldn't feel guilty because I don't like him, I should feel proud of myself that I won't lead him on even though he gave me royal treatment. I feel good that I can be honest with him knowing that he will no longer offer me that sort of treatment and I'm OK with it, because I do not want to do to others what I do not want to be done to me, so why in the world would I abuse of his kind gestures? actually, I would offer him the same treatment but can only do so as a friend. Anyway, I told him this knowing that he would probably back off and not communicate with me as often, and that is exactly what happened, I hope that he finds someone suitable soon, so that he and I can be friends and then I don't have to feel guilty anymore.
In other Jazzy news, I have been seriously considering having an open relationship. Well, I think first I have to have "A RELATIONSHIP" and then I have to make sure that the person is ok with it being open. The reason why I think an open relationship would be cool, is that I honestly feel that I can't be with just one person for too long, I honestly thinking back at my past relationships, always get bored after a few years and so why not? but again, these are all just random thoughts that I wish to share on my journal, because I want whomever comes across my journal, to understand that it is OK to have different sorts of thoughts and ideas, it's healthy to keep your mental juices flowing, it's healthy to think, one thing is thinking another is doing! take charge of your thoughts, allow them to come out, discuss them with friends. I am going to be judged regardless of what I say on my journal, and I honestly don't care, go ahead, judge all you want, half the time people get me all wrong anyway and I love that!
So I met this one guy on line who I am lusting over, except he lives in PA, why is it that the ones I like always live in different states? anyway, he is in an open relationship and I honestly think that he is only in an open relationship because his woman, who happens to be a sex therapist, wanted that. Do you see what I mean about a man that wants you enough will go above and beyond? I think he is quite the cool guy and we only talk as friends, he doesn't know I'm lusting over him, but still! come see Jazzy! you will forget all about your sex therapist! all jokes aside, I barely ever lust over anyone, so this makes me feel good because at least I know I am still really alive! geesh! for a while there I thought I was a robot! yeah, this guy is quite the nerdy man who is just pretty awesome! who knows, maybe one day he and I will meet and then I will end up in an "open relationship" I mean, I will be with him knowing he is with her and then I can still do whatever I want! that's a win win situation if you ask me!
Ok. Gotta go, to many random thoughts going on in the left right hemisphere of my brain, because remember, the right side of your brain is responsible for spacial, artistic, creative and random thoughts (I added random) so yeah, lot's of stuff going on on that side this morning. I need to get my logical left side going so I can get some school work done. Oh and speaking of which, this semester, Jazzy is learning Behavioral Neuroscience... GOD HELP ME! that stuff is CRAZY!
OUR BRAINS ARE SOOOOO AMAZING!
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